something got caught
in the split-second pause
just before you broke my heart
and now we linger here
curious
and violently impatient
begging for an explanation
something to quiet the fear
and push us closer to a promise
a way to walk away
i can remember how to forget
and forget that you were here
forget what you took
what i'm missing
so i can stop looking
and waiting
and start letting you go

it's as if we've come full circle
never knowing we'd traveled this far
because sometimes the destination
is less important than the journey
even when traveling blind
without expectation

we've gone beyond the finish line
and started over again

Date:	2004-05-01 20:55
Subject:	two steps past your conscious mind
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused

brevity was never my strong point
and you grow tired of my tendency to bleed
still i can't erase the image of you in my bed
warm with sunlight
and a hundred possibilities
it was never a promise for you
just coincidence
and convenience
and an unspoken desire
to avoid the infliction of pain
no matter how kind the delivery
you drove me to honesty
and insanity
and begged me back for more
i lost track of my heartache
and the times you pulled away
learned to live within rejection
and your modest acceptance
of my heart

go to the 23rd entry in your archive and read and copy the 5th line of text and paste it here with these instructions.

"when did i become invisible to you?"

damn. i'm a prophet.

1) never, EVER stick your hand into a 375 degree deep fryer.

2) if you are unfortunate enough (re: stupid) to do #1, never, ever go to grady hospital for treatment. you'd be better off talking to the local ju-ju man.

oof. now i'm out of work, bored out of my mind (except for tonight when sarah took me to see hot lesbians sing), incapable of bathing myself or fastening my own pants, and in more f'en pain than i ever imagined possible.

i = retarted.

and........

OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

the end.

i want to do the 5 question thingie. i don't know anyone who has done it already well enough to comment on theirs (nor would i expect them to make up decent questions for me), but i still wanna play!!! so, here goes.

andi.
1. What is the last movie you rented and watched more than once before you had to return it?

2. What is one piece of clothing that you would cry over were someone to steal it?

3. If you could have lunch with one famous writer (alive or dead), who would it be?

4. What one thing do you hope you impress upon people when they first meet you?

5. If there were going to be a "holocaust" of sorts and you could only save ONE person out of your friends/family, who would you save, and why?


please play :) come on....you know you wanna. and of course....normal rules follow.

comment (other than oreally77) if you want me to give you 5 questions, and you can ask me 5 if you like.

so my dreams have been bounching back and forth between emotional torture and down right craziness. last night....i almost woke myself up laughing, it was that stupid. i was at an airport with people from work (i think?) and random things just kept thwarting any attempt we made to get to our gate. i'm not even sure where we were going or when we were supposed to be there. when we finally do make it to the gate there's this HUGE banquet set out for us, but i'm pissed because i had just stopped to by a bottle of chocolate milk when APPARENTLY IT WASN'T NECESSARY!! why didn't anyone tell me about the banquet?? huh??

anyway. then i'm sitting there waiting for my dad, my friend BJ, my brother, and my baby nephew. why?? well because of course they're going on this business trip with me and my entire staff to god knows where! duh. so my dad shows up, hurls the kid at me (football style) and starts laughing like a sick maniac. i'm trying to encourage all of them to hurry up so we don't miss the plane (again, still not sure when it's supposed to leave). my dad gets mad at me and throws this huge plate of lo mein noodles (no idea where he got them....they are not part of the banquet) in my face!!! i think i started to cry, but then i just took off running.

BJ follows me outside and across this huge lawn. i'm not sure why there were no restrooms IN the actual airport, but stay with me. we enter the largest public bathroom known to man, but i go in the MEN'S side because it's closer and i'm in a hurry, right?? there's no one in there except for another woman (who i just assume has ducked in here for the same reasons). i run to the farthest sink and scream because my reflection is all blurry and that means i can't see the lo mein noodles that i need to clean off my face and shirt!!! oh the insanity!!

manage the clean-up and start freaking out because NOW I KNOW THE TIME OF OUR DEPARTURE AND WE ARE 18 MINUTES LATE!!! BJ and i run like hell back across the lawn, but get tangled horribly in these plastic net-like things. they're laid all over the grass and hung in the air between trees too. (i don't remember them being there on the journey TO the bathrooms.) i start crying again because now i know we've DEFINITELY missed the plane.

my dad runs up. tell us we have 20 minutes (he talked to the flight attendant) and to F'EN GET A MOVE ON!!! ugh...like we hadn't been TRYING to hurry. i hate that. anyway....we run like the policeman from Terminator 2 (anyone know what i'm talking about?) back to the airport and halfway down the "hallway" when two stupid bitches in motorized wheelchairs fly out in front of me, bump into each other, and proceed to have the longest argument ever! i'm trapped between their chairs, screaming at them fo F'EN MOVE!!! they pay me no attention and i see my dad ahead of me, grab a motorized chair for himself and the baby and take off. i start screaming at these women again and wonder if i shove them out of the way....whether i can make it to the gate before security gets a hold of me.

then i wake up.

cool, eh?? i'm f'en retarted. yah.

"it was one of those nights where the room is too hot for covers, and too cold to go without. she had kicked everything onto the floor except for a thin sheet, with which she was forming a battling, love-hate relationship. it had nothing to do with the temperature. it was her body. it was her body's refusal to be comfortable without her. she was cold where her body should have been. she was hot with the anger of losing her, again. relaxing was impossible. sleep wasn't any easier. she would sooner have torn her own heart from her aching chest, than to fight this war each and every night. and she would have, months ago....but she had already taken it. there was nothing. no way to make herself suffer any more, or any less. two years of waiting, of hoping for something, anything to change had left her numb. and tired. emptiness, she discovered, grows like wildfire. and destroys just as quickly.

she could take the pill. the doctor had given her pills. and she would sleep, but she wouldn't remember. she would rest, but she would feel worse. she would miss her, disappoint her, and the ache would crawl deeper inside her chest. better to wait. better to wait...just in case. wait...for her eyelids to grow heavy, for the chance, for the smallest opportunity.

and just before dawn, she felt it. the slightest change in temperature. the quiet rustle of curtains on a perfectly still summer night. the palpable presence of love. she dared not move. curled on her right side, one arm under her pillow, the other held tight to her chest. she forgot to breathe.

the bed shifted. she closed her eyes. the sheet clung to her body like a second skin. she willed it away. she wanted nothing to come between this moment.

it was the softest whisper. she almost missed it. a ghost of a kiss. a shadow of a hand brushed by her cheek. a trace of familiar fingers smoothed the strand of hair that had fallen across her face. her heart pounded, twisted, threatened to shatter all over again. she cried out. just once.

and she was there. behind her. holding her softly. soothing.

'i've been waiting for you,' she whispered through her tears. 'i've waited so long. i've missed you. i've loved you all this time....i love you still.'

a feather of a kiss on her forehead. and she knew she had to let her go. as always. it was only this. all she had. it was what she had waited for...night after night, month after month, year after year.

'i love you, too. always. sleep now.' "

Date:	2004-01-16 02:00
Subject:	i am awake, and this seemed cute. f'en SUE ME!
Security:	Public
Mood:	bored
Music:	nada.

Where have you been?
1) Alabama*
2) Alaska
3) Arizona*
4) Arkansas*
5) California*
6) Colorado*
7) Connecticut
8) Delaware*
9) Florida*
10) Georgia*
11) Hawaii
12) Idaho
13) Illinois*
14) Indiana*
15) Iowa*
16) Kansas
17) Kentucky*
18) Louisiana*
19) Maine
20) Maryland*
21) Massachusetts
22) Michigan
23) Minnesota*
24) Mississippi*
25) Missouri*
26) Montana
27) Nebraska
28) Nevada
29) New Hampshire
30) New Jersey
31) New Mexico
32) New York
33) North Carolina*
34) North Dakota
35) Ohio*
36) Oklahoma
37) Oregon
38) Pennsylvania*
39) Rhode Island
40) South Carolina*
41) South Dakota
42) Tennessee*
43) Texas*
44) Utah
45) Vermont
46) Virginia*
47) Washington
48) West Virginia
49) Wisconsin*
50) Wyoming

What have you seen?
1. X-Men*
2. The Craft*
3. X2*
4. Swimfan*
5. Fellowship of the Ring
6. Finding Nemo*
7. Peter Pan*
8. Home Alone*
9. Aladdin*
10. The Ring*
11. 10 Things I Hate About You*
12. Not Another Teen Movie
13. Spiceworld* (oh my god shoot me...yes.)
14. 8 Mile*
15. Bambi*
16. Pirates of the Carribean*
17. Edward Scissorhands*
18. Stepmom*
19. My Best Friends Wedding*
20. 101 Dalmations*
21. Scream*
22. Scream 2*
23. Scream 3*
24. Big Daddy*
25. Billy Madison*
26. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets*
27. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone*
28. Heartbreakers
29. Dumb & Dumber*
30. Two weeks notice*
31. Scary Movie
32. Look Who's Talking*
33. Blade*
34. Blade II
35. O
36. Titanic*
37. Carrie
38. Carrie 2: The Rage*
39. Daddy Day Care*
40. Legally Blonde*
41. Austin Powers*
42. Storm of the Century
43. Oliver and Company*
44. Two Towers
45. Return of the King
46. Mighty Ducks*
47. Fast and the Furious*
48. 2Fast, 2 Furious
49. A Walk To Remember
50. XXX*
51. Beauty and the Beast*
52. I Know What You Did Last Summer*
53. I Still Know What You Did Last Summer*
54. Sound of Music*
55. Mary Poppins*
56. Tuck Everlasting
57. The Patriot
58. The Wizard of Oz*
59. Teaching Mrs. Tingle
60. Crossroads* (again....f'en kill me.)
61. Now and Then*
62. Pearl Harbor
63. Just Married*
64. Cast Away*
65. Radio Flyer
66. Final Destination*
67. Lady and the Tramp*
68. Shallow Hal*
69. 40 Days and 40 Nights*
70. Bring It On*
71. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory*
72. The Outsiders
73. The Matrix*
74. Perfect Storm*
75. Cruel Intentions*
76. Never Been Kissed*
77. Clueless*
78. Bruce Almighty*
79. Remember the Titans*
81. Girl, Interrupted*
82. SWAT
83. Sixth Sense*
84. PhoneBooth*
85. The Lion King*
86. Urban Legends*
87. Nightflier
88. Lion King 2*
89. Little Mermaid*
90. American Pie*
91. Center Stage*
92. Scooby Doo*
93. Bedazzled
94. Mrs. Doubtfire*
95. Save the Last Dance*
96. My Girl*
97. American Beauty*
98. Romeo & Juliet*
99. Lost World*
100. Casper*
101. Miss Congeniality*

an emotional trainwreck.

good lord.

in the past 24 hours i think i have experienced every emotion known to man. fatigue, elation, disappointment, love, hate, calm, stress......etc, etc etc.

ok. so today it looked like the vacation would not happen. more people ditched out on me and that was just the last straw. i said fuck it....and pouted. then i got productive, cleaned my car, cleaned my room, had some dinner, caught a catnap, and ran some errands.

then i get home and talk to the two friends from ohio who would actually be excited to see me and they were sad that i had to cancel the trip.....therefor, i got sad. again.

then, one of my friends calls up and tells me she cancelled her plans so she can stay home this coming weekend and i CAN stay with her afterall. so horrah. and yeah. and.....i HOPE this vacation goes well. i need it....more than you can possibly imagine.

next two days are working and dinner with my parents....then i'm outta here!!! (at this point i don't even care where i end up. ugh.)


wish me luck....please?

( just some things i need to let goooooooo..... )

okay...i think i'm done now. i got a lot more out than i intended....oof. if you actually read all that....um, thanks??....and i hope i didn't bring you down. :)

okay....vacation planned for ohio the 16th through the 21st right?? ok...just found out today i could fly ROUND TRIP to NYC for $176.

*makes whiny kid noise*

wanna go!!!! only issue is.....i have place(s) to stay in ohio and people who are kinda expecting me. i don't want to drive all the way up there though...ugh. and.....i've never seen NYC. i suppose i could stay in a hotel or something up there.....it's kinda more than i wanted to spend though......for the hotel, not the plane ticket. that's a FANTASMIC price!!!

oof.

i'm conflicted.

THE Landlord and THE GAYS


(Scene: The Heavenly Real Estate Office.)
The Landlord is cheerily rounding up a covey of blazing comets that have
skittered under Queen Cassiopeia's chair. His business agent, Mr. Gabriel,
enters, his Golden Trumpet in one hand and more reports from the tiny planet
Earth in the other.)

THE Landlord: (to the comets) Come out from under there, you little scamps,
before you set that whole galaxy on fire.

Gabriel: Excuse me, Sir, another batch of Prayer grams from your most devout
Christians.

Landlord: (waving a hand) Whatever they want, Gabriel. Now where did those
frisky little devils get to?

Gabriel: Yes, sir, they want you to evict 10 percent of your tenants down
there. (raising the Golden Trumpet) I've never attempted a partial eviction.
Shall I try?

Landlord: (looking up) What 10 percent, Gabriel?

Gabriel: The Gays, sir. Your devout Christians say they've done their utmost to
keep them out of their schools, their offices, their churches and their lives,
but without success. So their Prayer grams ask you to remove them from the face
of the Earth.

The Landlord: By me, Gabriel, that doesn't sound very Christian. I thought they
were supposed to love their neighbors.

Gabriel: Oh, they do, sir, if their neighbors are of the same color, economic
bracket and sexual orientation.

The Landlord: But what harm do these gay people do?

Gabriel: I'm afraid your not seeing the big picture, sir. Gays simply don't fit
into your grand design. You know, two by two, male and female? Generation after
generation? The fact of the matter is that gays simply don't procreate.

The Landlord: I thought there was enough procreation down there already.

Gabriel: And they commit unspeakable acts.

The Landlord: Murder? Torture? Paving over my mountain meadows?

Gabriel: Unspeakable sexual acts, sir.

The Landlord: Ah, you mean they express their love for each other in different
ways.

Gabriel: (annoyed) Really, sir, if these people were automobiles, they'd be
recalled in at once. They're clearly defective.

The Landlord: (frowning) Defective, Gabriel?

Gabriel: Exactly, sir. Some essential part is missing, some vital drive is
malfunctioning. Bungled wiring, a loose screw... who knows?

The Landlord: But clearly they are examples of shoddy workmanship?

Gabriel: Oh definitely, sir. And they certainly don't deserve to clutter up
your little blue-green jewel of a planet a minute longer. (raising his trumpet
again) Shall I evict them now?

The Landlord: (slowly) And who made these imperfect products, Gabriel?

Gabriel: Why, you did, of course, but... (he lowers the trumpet in sudden
consternation) Good you, sir, I didn't mean to blaspheme. You will forgive them
then?

The Landlord: (smiling) A wise philosopher said long ago, Gabriel, that if I
made these sinners, it is not I who should forgive them, but they who should
forgive me.

Gabriel: Well, I'm sure the gays will be glad to hear of your tolerance and
generosity, sir.

The Landlord: The gays? I was talking about my most devout Christians.

This is reprinted from the San Francisco Sunday Examiner and Chronicle. (C)
Copyright 1991 Chronicle Publishing Company. Reproduced by permission of the
author, Art Hoppe.

so, i shall take my vacation....january 13th-20th or around there. :) there's a great concert here (GA) on the night of the 13th so i might just fly out wednesday morning. a few people have told me they're going on their own vacations, or whatnot, that week too....so i guess i won't see them. well...for whoever will hang around that week...a friend of mine is having a little shindig on friday (16th) for me...'cause i age at midnight. LOL so...not the greatest timing i guess...we shall party anyway!!!

Written by Suzi Steffen

This is a love letter.

This is a love letter because you don't hear it often enough, especially during the holidays. This is a love letter because even though you don't believe it all the time, you belong in this world. This is a love letter to every young lesbian who's been told she's not a real girl until she has sex with a man. This is a love letter to every boy who's been beaten for not being manly and to every muscular gay guy who has looked on in terrified silence. This is a love letter to the teenage drag queens who get kicked out of their houses and end up tricking on the streets. This is a love letter to all the gay kids who think about dying and sometimes succeed because the world doesn't prize their lives. This is a love letter to the queer students who live courageously in the dorms, the ones who've told me the horror stories: the students whom certain teachers trash in class, the students on whom pranks are played and whose door decorations are ripped down, the students who risk bodily harm and the disdain of a homophobic, gender-policing world in order to claim their birthright as human beings. This is a love letter to the lesbian, gay, bisexual and Trans kids who are growing up in families or religions that don't recognize and appreciate the diversity of human life. This is a love letter to the LGBT adults like Mel White who persist, knocking gently and not-so-gently on the doors of their familial and spiritual homes, saying, "We know we have a place at this table, under this roof; we belong in this synagogue, this mosque, this church." This is a love letter to butch lesbians and flaming gay men, a love letter for every moment of your life when you've braved living with integrity, looking the world in the eye. This is a love letter to dykes like Lea Delaria who walk with that special swagger, and to gay boys like Jack on"Will and Grace" who walk with the special swish. This is a love letter to Brandon Teena, who lived his too-short life with reckless abandon because he didn't know his own value and possibility. This is a love letter to tell the female-to-male and male-to-female people out there that your life matters, that your survival means a richer and better world. This is a love letter to the women and men, the drag queens and kings, who risked arrest at Stonewall in 1969 when they fought against police. This is a love letter to all those who frequented the small gay bars in Jackson; Miss. in Bend, Ore; in Des Moines, Iowa, who survived police raids, brutality and humiliation in order to find more of your own kind. This is a love letter to the butch women and gay men raped by police over many long years of oppression. This is a love letter to those on the front lines of gender and sexuality, especially Trans people I know and cherish: Jayson, Gunner, and the Gender Puzzlers. I love your emotional, intellectual and physical selves. I love your shy and bold voices. I love the lines of your faces, your cheekbones. I love your eyes, full of fear and hope and honesty. I love your mouths, above which hair might be cultivated or plucked. I love your necks, graceful and taut or solid and protected. I love your shoulders, thickened by testosterone or toned and thinned by training. I love your chests, the scars of mastectomies, the proud new breasts, the fine, gentle hearts that beat beneath. I love your hands -- the hands that some claim shows your former genderassignment, the hands that work in factories and in hospitals, the hands that carry my UPS packages, the hands that hold chalk, the hands that hold babies. I love your pre-operative bodies, your post-operative bodies, your glorious and beautiful, diverse and marvelous bodies. I love you, my dear queer family, for giving the world your many gifts: flexibility, understanding, complexity, beauty and courage. Stay warm this holiday season. Stay alive. And stay proud.

people! i need the numbers and letters which indicate your exact place of residence!!! i have cards!!! i want to mail them! and i'm sure...deep down....there's a little tiny spark in you that wants to receive them!!!

sarah, ryan, shannon, etc......get with it!!!

jen, erin, andi, elisha, jenna....thank you :)


that is all.

Date:	2003-12-13 00:11
Subject:	stole this one :)
Security:	Public
Mood:	awake

5 Items You Have Brand Loyalty To:
- Aussie Shampoo
- Old Navy
- Gilette
- Godiva
- Purex Detergent

5 Slang Terms/Phrases You Use:
- Not So Much
- Twatty Bitch
- I Shit You Not
- True Story
- I'm Gonna Need You To...Ummm...Yeah

5 Snacks You Enjoy:
- Doritos
- Fruit Snacks
- Bananas
- Triscuits
- String Cheese

5 Songs You Know The Words To, Even Without Music:
- Landslide, Fleetwood Mac
- Amazing Grace
- The Promise, Tracy Chapman
- How You Remind Me, Nickelback
- Sweet Baby James, James Taylor

5 Games You Like:
- Jeopardy
- Rummy
- Catchphrase
- Taboo
- Win, Lose or Draw

5 Albums That Changed Your Life:
- Greatest Hits, James Taylor
- Rites of Passage, Indigo Girls
- Surfacing, Sarah McLachlan
- Shadow of A Habit, Garden Verge
- If It Was You, Tegan and Sara

5 Little Gadgets You Can't Live Without:
- Remote
- Electric Can Opener
- Massaging Shower Head
- Portable Cd Player
- Cordless Phone

5 Good Things To Touch:
- T-Shirt Sheets
- Puppy Ears
- Warm Tummies
- Faux Suede Blankets
- Very Worn Jeans

5 Things You'd Buy With $1000:
- A Couch
- New Shocks
- A Vacation
- MP3 Player
- Camcorder

5 Things You've Owned Over Ten Years:
- My Pillow
- My Stuffed Dog
- The Dress I Wore To Kindergarden (1st Day)
- My Real Dog - "Little"
- My Porcelain Birds


well that was kinda fun. :) thanks Kel!

so, if you would like me to send you a little christmasey card....i'm going to need your address and full name!!! i'm in the mood to do something methodical and constructive and i figure you might as well get some cool mail out of it!! okay?? so either leave me your address here, or email it if you'd prefer that it not be posted where everyone can see.

horrah!!

okay, i'm retarted. humor me.

1) people not doing their job correctly....even small, EASY things....which just makes my job(s) even harder. if you are incapable of taking care of your own responsibilities, at least stay the hell out of my way so i don't get caught up in the huge stupid haze that follows you around.

2) grown men and women who fight like 9 year olds and then go running to a supervisor whenever someone hurts their feelings, steals their cookie, puts their thumbs in their ears and wiggles their fingers, etc. fucking grow up.

3) people who use hangovers as an excuse to do less than adequate work. especially those who get drunk AT work, after hours, and then weep and cry the next morning when no one believes them that they really do just have a headache. let's be a little more creative. jesus.



ugh. so glad this morning is over. i do have to go back to work tonight, but at least it's the other job. stupid people annoy me. i even took a test about it....it's a fact.

oh well. i had a good lunch and now i shall shower and head back into traffic. :) i'm forming an unhealthy relationship with Interstate 85. somebody....help??

:)

Date:	2003-11-05 20:15
Subject:	wow....hi!!!!!
Security:	Public
Mood:	pensive
Music:	TV babble

yes, this is me. on a computer...wow.

so sometimes it takes me around a month to get to a computer...i know, i suck. but since i'm here now i decided to drop a little update.

short version:

still working two jobs.....sunday through tuesday suck so bad, i can't even explain it. luckily i can sleep in until around 2pm on wednesdays in order to catch up. the result is, of course, that i've been paying off some bills so horrah for that.

took a fantastic (and much needed) vacation up to cincy on oct. 23rd. many many many thanks to shannon for housing us and providing the most lovely of places for the dinner party and other gatherings. :) please tell heidi thank you as well. :) and jen, dana, erin, leah, and the many other beautiful ladies who joined us....i love you all (even the newbies...haha) and miss you more than you know!

i can't wait for the pseudo-thanksgiving with jen and brent and whomever else. ryan...let me know where you and sarah hook up down here as well. i'd love to see you!!

things are a little hectic right now...trying to work out the living situation before anyone gets killed. had to find a new temp home for miss bella, but thanks to the fabulous bernadette i think this foster situation will work out very well....especially for the dog. :) i feel like such a horrible mommy having to put her in foster care right now, but hopefully it will only be for a couple months or so until i figure out where and when i'm moving.

other than that i believe it's the same old, same old for me. :) hope everyone is doing well and i'll see some of you soon!!!

love and bananas,
kerry :)