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Sunday, August 1st, 2004
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12:58 am - 84 years ago...
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84 years ago tonight, possibly right at this time, my great grandmother was in pain. She was in so much pain that 84 years ago tonight, this 28 year old immigrant and mother of 3 took her own life. My grandfather was only 5 years old. He said in the morning he was awakened by the noise of medical people. My grandfather Albert and his older sister Alice shared a bedroom together. He remembers waking up, and walking down the hall. He remembers peeking around the corner into the bathroom door, to see a sink full of blood. He remembers seeing the paramedics who were on duty that hot July night in 1920. Little did they know that by the early morning hours of that first day in August, a wife misunderstood, a mother in pain, a daughter who felt she was a burden and who felt burdened would try to remove herself from this life. My grandfather doesn't remember seeing anyone in his family that morning. He describes it as if he were in a daze, seeing everything that was out of place but nothing that belonged.
We don't know when she died exactly. Papa remembers that he and his sister made Welcome Home signs for their mother. He recalls thinking that she was getting better and going to come home. They planned a homecoming party between the two of them, two hopeful children waiting to see their mother again. They never did. She never came home again.
I was 28 once. I had my moments of depression but, what she did always haunted me. She left 3 children. She had lost one already to spinal menengitus, which is one possible reason for her utter depression.
My grandfather said that at her furneral, his father stood inbetween he and his sister, and he had his arms around them both. My great grandfather cried for his wife. My great aunt cried for her mother. My grandfather never cried. He then internalized all of his feelings and did not speak for a year. His father took him to specialists and doctors, and no one could tell him what was wrong with his son.
Finally, according to my grandfather, his father smacked him across the face. My grandfather screamed, "OW"! and his father replied, "See, you can talk!"
It is interesting to note that within hours of my great grandmothers' death, my grandmother was born. Yes, my grandfathers' mother took her life a mere few hours before my grandfathers' future wife was born.
As if that isn't weird enough, because there were children involved, my grandfathers' aunts (they called them Tante's) Told my Great Grandmothers' younger sister that she had to dump her boyfriend, and marry her widowed brother in law. This was to protect the children from being raised by a stepmother. Instead these wise old Tante's thought it more appropriate for these children to be raised by their aunt, who just lost her sister, lost her boyfriend, was forced to marry her brother in law, and then proceeded to have 6 more children with him. These children would then be the 1/2 brothers and sisters, AND 1st cousins of eachother. I think that would make them 3/4 brothers and sisters. What I do know is that they all shared the same 4 grandparents - with the exception of one - my great grandmother and her younger sister had different fathers.
And after all of this, 85 years later, my grandfather is still struggling with abandonment issues. Yes, the woman that he married, kicked him out when he was 85 years old, won't grant him a divorce and wants to wait until he dies, so she won't have to give up 1/2 their assets (which he worked his whole life for)
Now...if his mother had lived, would his outcome be different? Would be still be without his life savings, living on a blowup bed at the age of 90? It's hard to say... but I think he might have had a better shot at a happy ending, if he had been lucky enough to have a happy beginning.
That being said, it's interesting to note that most of us have hard times at some point or another in our lives, and I think the best thing to take out of them are the tools and lessons we learn that we can apply to the next challenging situiation that presents itself.
All the horrible things we've experienced, all the people who have let us down, or hurt us, or not acted respectfully or appropriately when given the chance - well, they're just learning their lessons too. And whatever we go through does make us stronger, more capable of handling the same situation again with greater ease and understanding the next time.
I feel badly for my grandfather. I feel badly for his mother. 28 years is a short life, especially when the 20th century had so much to offer, so many new things. She missed all of that. She missed hearing my grandfather play his violin. He was a concertmaster, and his tone could bring me to tears. I imagine that he may have taken all of that pain and sadness from the loss of his mother, and injected it right into his expression of his music. Perhaps it was all meant to be for a reason. Sometimes I fantasize that i could meet my ancestors, but that when we meet, we're all the same age. Young women, and men - not yet worn down by the hardships of life, or the disappointments it may hold. Still fresh and excited about what the world might bring. What would it be like to meet and spend time with our ancestors at our age. What were their interests and hopes and dreams when they were young, when the political scene on the planet was so different. Well, I'm not so sure it was sooo different, but still - it would be an interesting evening to spend.
Papa, I hope you see your mother again soon, I know you've been waiting a very long time.
Runia, I'm thinking about you, as I have every year on this night. I'm sorry you experienced so much pain as a young woman. It was brave of you to leave your country, as an 18 year old woman, to travel to this country while pregnant with your first child! I have the bonnet that you made for the baby. It's still beautiful and it looks as though it was made by a machine. I know you made it by hand, you were a very talented artist, and I'm proud of your accomplishments, as short as your life was.
I wish I could have known what you would have become. I wish I could have seen what great artworks and crafts you would have created. I have always enjoyed knitting and croceting and weaving and macrome myself, and I suppose that talent comes from you, because sometimes it's there before I ever learn how to do the task. It comes out as if I've been doing it for years. Maybe that's your spark - still left living in me. Your genetic talent for working with your hands, managed to find its' way into me. Your son had it too, dressmaker, violinist, writer, producer, film-maker, public speaker. You'd have been proud of him.
Well it's 1:30am West Coast time. She took her life somewhere in the Lower East Side in a tenament building in New York City. That means it is 6:30am there, and 84 years ago, now... they came to take you away...
RIP Runia, he's waiting to see you again.
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| Tuesday, January 6th, 2004
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5:52 am - yawn
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It's 5:52am.
I have not slept.
I did get into bed and I laid there for awhile.
I'm tired, but I'm also wired.
I was up all night reading about Berdichev and how out of 20,000 jews, one of the 15 survivors was a milmeister.
I received an email from the ukrainian born grandson of one of the victims of the atrocities in Berdichev... I replied (much later) and have not heard back yet. He's my age and he was told that some of his family moved to the USA before the war.. I suppose that would be us.
I'm looking forward to speaking with him, but as it took me undue time to reply(I lost his email) perhaps he will think me too rude to be related.
I don't know how, 50 years after the fact, I'm still in disbelief about the holocaust. I'm not denying that it took place, but I cannot believe that it did.
The story I read, a very graphic account of one town's extermination inspired me to do more research. To search for the descendants of this 1 ancestor who I know survived.
My relatives all moved here between 1900 and 1910. So, they missed WWI just barely, and missed WWII by 1 generation.
So why after reading this...
http://www.berdichev.org/holocaust.html
...do I feel so lucky and guilty at the same time.
To leave their homelands when they were all so young, my great grandparents took the biggest gamble of their lives, some of them leaving their families, even their own twins, never to see them again - to come here.
These people did not know what they were coming to, but they did know what they were leaving - sort of.
What they did not know is that everyone they left behind, would be subjected to the horrors of WWII within 20 years of their departure.
I wonder if they knew how lucky they were, I mean really knew. These people escaped to one of the only places in the world where they would be somewhat safe. I have to feel blessed, lucky, fortunate, watched over, protected and spared by these actions of my ancestors. What are the chances? I think about all of the "unlucky" moments of my life, but now that I've read details of what some family members suffered, I know that the luck that my immigrant ancestors had should last my family a good couple hundred years. It's the difference between existing and not existing. I feel sad and glad at once. Sad that it ever happened. Sad that it's not just a horror movie but that it really happened. Glad that I wasn't there. Glad that my parents were not there. Glad that my grandparents were born here, and glad that their parents left when they did.
I want to visit the Museum of Tolerance. I have never been and it was open at least ten years ago. I haven't gone because it's painful. I'm afraid. Of course i was not living through that hell so what should I be afraid of... the pictures? the movies? the personal accounts? These should not scare me, they should move me, but not scare me. I think I just anticipate being so so sad when I go there, that I hesitate to go. I know however that I have to go. I know that to be unwilling to suffer while learning of the horrors is nothing compared with actually living them. I know that we need to remember. I know that we should never forget. I'm also finding myself thinking about photographing Berdichev. I've never been to Europe but perhaps if I approach the Simon Weisenthal Museum with a proposed project of documentation, maybe they have some sort of jewish artist fund or something. I'll just leave out the part about how I love xmas. Perhaps if I approach them with the Berdichev Revival/Black Book, and show them the names, of the Family members who were saved to work for the nazis - before they were killed - and of the one family member who made it out alive. I wonder if he is still alive. He was 15 when he made it out... that would make him in his mid to late 60s now. I wonder if anyone interviewed him. I cannot imagine, I don't want to... but I also want to. The other day I watched some movie about the final solution. The weekend where 15 heads of the SS and of hitlers inner circle got together and planned out the extermination of 6 million jews.
They sat around a table, talking about the most horrific things. I can't imagine being a German Nazi sitting at that table, and not being afraid of those sitting around me. It's just insanity. I know that there is a lot of antisemitism in the world still. I don't understand it. there are jerks in every color. There are liars in all shades. There are kind people in every color too... so why generalize? There are nice jews and not so nice jews. There are nice christians and not so nice christians, it's all about the individual, it's not about the whole.
Why is it so hard to understand that, even today... Arab people are NOT TERRORISTS... but terrorists are terrorists. People who terrorize people come in all colors and sizes and shades and sexes. It does however seem that much of the aggression is influenced by men. Big shock but not really.
Jews are not stingy, but there are stingy jews.
Black people are not criminals, but there are some criminal black people.
Asian people are not bad drivers, but there are some asian people who don't drive so well.
Are all black men hung like horses or isn't it just possible that there's a wide range of sizes among the black population?!
Are all black men great athletes or is it possible that some just don't have the physical coordination of their more physically inclined counterparts.
Do all fat people eat McDonalds or is it possible that just some heavy people eat there?
Stereotypes are dangerous.
Generalizations, while easy to make are seldom based in reality. They are instead based upon individual experience and there's just no way that the people who think all jews are stingy, have ever had financial dealings with all of the jews in the world. It's pretty safe to say that the people who say that black men are hung like horses, perhaps haven't had the opportunity to see each black penis on the planet - so why does a stereotype like that exist? It's just sort of stupid... but we all do it at one time or another. I'm tryin to work on that because really, it's just silly when you think about it.
Are all irishman alcoholics? nope, my last roomie was an irishman, and he doesn't drink unless he's out of pot.
So... 6:21am.. still not sleepy but very sleep too. Now what?
sigh... I need some soothing entertainment and holocaust documents are not making me sleepy, they're just pissing me off, making me sad, horrified and anxious. Anxious to learn more, anxious to read and listen and help out with the documentation somehow.
When I was a kid, our neighbors parents were holocaust survivors. They had the tattoos on their forearms and I remember touching them, seeing them... not understanding but having a vague sense of sadness from them as I looked. They were teenagers when they got them, maybe little children. I cannot imagine living an entire life after living through that, but then again what are you going to do if you were one of the lucky few to get out alive? You make the most of the life you have, because you're living it for 12 million who were denied the same opportunity. It makes me feel lame for not enjoying my life to the fullest, for not traveling when I could and for not taking every opportunity that comes my way. Similarly when I sit all day, I think about people who have been denied the opportunity to walk or to run and I think that I'm an asshole, because I have legs that work and a body that works and i don't use it as much as I should. I take it for granted that i can walk and run, and breathe and be free. A lot of people on this planet are not so fortunate and on that note, it's time to start using what I have, because I'm incredibly lucky to have it, and to be here, and to be sorta kinda free.
...semi sleepy...
Someday I'd like to face up to that museum. The Pianist was on tonight, I watched some of it. Clever plan of mine, read about berdichev and watch the downfall of warsaw in graphic detail, all at once. Brilliant, no wonder I can't sleep. Reading that and seeing that, it's like a living nightmare, why sleep I can have nightmares while i'm awake.
Someone remind me again... why do people hate jews? I mean all of us, like one big herd. I'm sure there are some assholes who are jewish, but certainly not ALL of us are assholes. When will people figure out that there are creeps in every color and saints in every color (I don't mean the religious kind)?
If WWII had not happened, then the Palestinians would still be in Israel and the ugly situation that we're in now, 50 years later would never have come to pass. By this token, Hitler was successful. The Anti-semitism that exists now, partly as a result of the situation in the middle east, is something of which I'm fairly certain Hitler would have approved. So, if the situation that we're in now is a direct result of the allied attempts to make restitution to the jews by giving them their homeland back, and that gift only came as a result of the atrocities of the holocaust, then Hitler, a man who died 1/2 a century ago, is still affecting the current political climate - based upon the choices of the people in power after they removed him, and his actions before they did.
I wonder if the stories I have heard about the complacency of the USA and of antisemitism in the white house at the time are true. I wonder how Hitler was able to get that far with his plan, before he was stopped. How many years did the United States Government look the other way, because it was convenient to do so? How many months did the president avoid helping out because somewhere inside he also had dislike for jews? I hope these stories are not true, but knowing how the United States Govt. can be, I sorta thing they make up their own rules as they go along, but cover them up with the real rules written down, so no one ever really knows what's goin on - they just think it's all kosher - no pun intended.
So 6:38am... yawn. maybe this is some form of mania.. i mean I'm fucking exhausted and I can't stop, I can't sleep, I feel tired but wide awake at the same time.
help...
fuzzy bunnies.
baby chickies
woolly lambs?
crap, the nazis are still on my mind, fuckers.
now I'm clearly becoming belligerent. I can't help it. I'm tired and the nazis kept me awake with their horrible deeds. Of course I'm lucky to be awake instead of gassed so I suppose I have nothing to bitch about do I?
I wonder if there is a hell(which I don't really buy into)if they're all there now, sweating it out - maybe in hell the nazis have to serve the jews. Maybe they have to give them pedicures and massages. Maybe the nazis in make believe hell are not only suffering in hell but they're probably doing the worst thing they could ever imagine... kissing jew ass.
=)
I'm tired. It's 6:42 am. 4 months until I'm 34.. maybe I should get on a better sleep schedule one of these days so I can make it to 35.
that is all.
I hope.
yawn
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| Thursday, November 13th, 2003
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10:39 am - things to remember...
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Only as high as I reach can I grow
Only as far as a seek can I know
Only as deep as I look can I see
Only as much as I dream can I be
Anonymous
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| Friday, October 17th, 2003
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10:51 pm
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I hate it when I have the urge to cry myself to sleep.
I heard that it's healthy to have a good cry everyday. I guess I'm overdue.
I'm frustrated and I feel unsupported, but really - whose job is it to be supportive?
That would be me. My job. Sometimes though, it's hard to be supportive when you're in the middle of one frustrating event after another.
Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and everything will have shifted and the universe will work with me, not against me.
... it could happen!
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10:34 pm - sigh
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| Sunday, October 5th, 2003
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10:50 am - Cocteau Twins
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I haven't listened to the Cocteau twins in a long time.
I love them.
They put me into a trance... but a way cooler trance than that silly new fangled trance music.
long live the innovators.
I've been discovering a lot of new music lately.. I know what I said above sort of contradicts that statement but I'm loving the jazz, I'm loving the gospel and I'm loving the funk.
Hugh Masekela - The boy's doin' it - check out the album if you can find it.
Kraftwerk - anything works.
The Ohio Players - honey, fire, mr mean - they are all great.
Cab Calloway - Are you hep to the jive - get it, it rules.
And last but far from least... if anyone can find this on CD - please let me know. I have a special copy made especially for me, but it has none of the packaging...Natalie Cole, Live at universal in 1978. It's not what you might think... it's a total surprise. She does it all, gospel, jazz, funk, rock, be bop, and more. I can only imagine it... 1978, all the hippest clothes, all the coolest folks, before they build a roof on the place, rockin it under the stars. If they had only made a live video of the show, then I wouldn't have to just imagine it. Granted the music helps a lot, and the recreation of the concert to music, illustrated by my friend harleigh using his whole body, his words, his arms, his legs, he was just out of control. It's alot more fun to get into something new with a tour guide. Someone to show you the way, to explain what is so special about whatever it is you're experiencing. The tour guide makes it that much more informative which in turns makes the whole experience more exciting.
Music is great, I miss playing. I miss writing, I miss having a real piano, with real piano sounds and a real piano feel. Keyboards and all fine and dandy but ugh... they feel foul to me. The keys are plastic and crap. They're not weighted and the sounds are so mechanical I can't stand it. If i want to program music and use a sequencer then a keyboard is great but my heart longs for a piano to play. I want to learn to play some jazz and funk. Someday... a piano will live in my house. Someday I will sit down to play it everyday, just like when I was a kid. I used to play 5-10 different times during any given day. I would play, then walk away and doing something else, like draw or climb the big walnut tree in the front yard, or lay in the hammock - but I'd always end up right back there at my piano. It's like a long lost friend at this point, I see one and it hurts. I think the piano and playing was very therapuedic for me, not to mention a whole lot of fun. I haven't written any music in years, I don't know why I thought I had to choose - photography or music, but for some reason I chose. Oh yah, my mom got rid of my piano, that was it. I tried to enjoy my keyboards but i can't write on that, it feels like crap.
Although, I am thankful to have one - even though I never play it.
Maybe sometime within the next year I'll invest in a nice korg, all wood with 88 weighted keys and beautiful piano sounds. My understanding is that keyboards have come a long way since I got my first one in 1983.
Ok enough about that.
The other day my friend had to explain funk, and how it's funky and funky is good, even though in the past I always thought of funky as... ew, funky.
Like a funky smell, or a funky dude. It kinda means... FUNKY!
So my friend explained that funky and stanky are good. Even though, it might be strong, it might smell, it might be nasty and dirty - if it's funky, it's a good thing. I'm still struggling with the concept. I'll keep working on it though.
My family life is spaztic. I'll just leave it at that.
My sister asked if she could borrow my rent money for a week. That would be the rent for this month - today is the 4th. So... I know it's probably irresponsible to give my last 1k to anyone, when it was supposed to be in the rent box 2 days ago, but she's been there for me in the past, so I feel like I have to. I know my dad would say I'm nuts, but I trust her, I have to. If anything happens though, I'm sort of considering selling something to cover myself. I wonder at what point my brother in law decides that it's time to stop doing what he wants, and start doing what he has to - to help with the financial burdens of raising 3 kids and a family. I wonder why such a talented and well educated man managed to be so insecure that he refuses to work in any capacity which does not suit his dreams of being a film maker. I wonder when his sister in law hands over her rent and the only money she has for the next 2 weeks, why it's ok for him to work, but not bring in an income. I love him but I am upset about it all. My sister is worn out, and they're struggling - so much so that she asked for the money I had set aside for my rent this month. At what point does he just walk into her office and say, honey - I'm going to get a regular job for awhile to help out. He won't. She won't expect him to and the struggle continues. At what point does a man say, I need to help support my family, regardless of the set back to my dreams. Some people sacrifice their dreams, for their responsibilities. Not all, but some. I am. I have. I plan to work on other projects until such time as I can afford to focus on my art. I don't focus on my art, make others support me and then hope that it all works out eventually. I can't, I don't have a wife to support me. I don't know, in my dreams it's always been a fantasy to have someone support me - but after seeing my mom give up all her power, even now, long after the relationship is over, because she has no control over their finances, is scary. I don't think i could ever just trust that I would be taken care of properly. So many times in my life, I've been burned doing just that.
I have no idea why I just babbled out all that... I guess I felt like it.
the end.
current mood:  busy
current music: Cocteau Twins : Heaven or Las Vegas
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| Saturday, September 20th, 2003
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12:50 pm - I miss writing in my live journal and reading yours
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I'm sitting here missing LJ and my friends here.
...angela, I dig your style. I have some catching up to do, but at first glance, your most recent images are wonderful.
I will be back. I'm off to celebrate with a woman embracing her 40th birthday. Her mother doesn't believe that anyone should ever admit their age or celebrate a birthday after the age of 29... but my friend put it to her mother this way, "40 is coming either way, I can be miserable about it or have a party and enjoy it." Wise choice I'd say. I still don't really feel like going though...
I shall return.
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| Monday, February 3rd, 2003
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10:56 pm - it's been awhile
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| Wednesday, September 25th, 2002
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12:56 am
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| Saturday, September 21st, 2002
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10:35 pm
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| Friday, May 10th, 2002
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1:27 am - one more thing...
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the baby smells like vanilla. I was sniffing him all night lastnight. Today I found his bracelet from the hospital and the inside of it smells like VANILLA! I've been sniffing the bracelet all day today. Babies smell like cookies.
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1:24 am - intense life changing experiences
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the baby was born. It was intense. Today is my birthday. My family is pissing me off. I'll share more later.
happy birthday to me god fucking damnit.
ps- Angela ... ya know, it's really nice to stop by again, and you are a really good vibe. =)
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| Tuesday, April 30th, 2002
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1:39 am - the mommy who cried wolf...
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I'm sitting here in my sister's office at her house. Just got back from the hospital for the 2nd time today. My sister is in labor, she's doing natural childbirth... and we have had more thana few false alarms in the last week. I've never been through this, I know it's painful and uncomfortable and she just wants it over with... but inside my heart, my instinct has told me all along that this baby is not ready to come. He's just practicing for the big day. Finally she got mad- because they sent her home again, and now she doesn't want to go back. She's in a tub of hot water now, hope it helps. My heart has told me that this baby is coming closer to may 1st, less than 23 hours from now but he may surprise me and come on the 30th. I hope for her sake he does. My birthday is Saturday so i sort of feel like i"m in tune with this baby.. like I KNOW he's going to make her wait and take his time... it's probably warm and cozy in there. At least we know he's not claustrophobic.
I hope when I am pregnant, someday... that my body gives me a clear sign that it's time because 5 trips to the hospital in 1 week is just harsh for a person who is so uncomfortable. i wish i could help her, hold her, hug her but I guess I'm not soothing to her, it's her husband's job to be there for her, I'm just her sister. The next 24 hours could be rough... I hope it goes smoothly from here on out but i can't control, help, assist - I can only carry many bags, fetch items that were forgotten in the car and be told to be quiet - no matter what it is that I say. Sometimes I wonder if it's normal to try to control everything around you, all the things people say. I guess the mother to be is #1 though and what she says goes. This is how I will want it tobe when it's my turn, but I don't anticipate wanting to control every aspet of the experience down to the T - sometimes I'm even afraid to breathe heavy if i have asthma. It's strange, I know she's just protecting herself, her baby, her husband, her experience, but i think when you have major expectations, in the end you will only get pissed, or feel let down or be mad that it didn't go as planned. I guess i feel like a lot of this pre baby stuff is too cerebral and not physical. Her head tells her that the contraction is 2 minutes and 5 mins apart.. but isn't there a time when a woman's body just tells her " THIS IS IT-- IT'S TIME --LET'S GO "
God, I hope that the message is that clear for me because my beautiful sister is being tortured by all the hings she's read and been told not to mention the contractions which have been on and off since the weekend before last. She's convinced that talking to my mother stopped them and that he would have come 10 days ago. inside i know this isn't true, even if my mom did stop the contractions - HE WAS NOT READY THEN. He's coming 4/30 or 5/1. I've known this, why didn't she know? Is it that she was so uncomfortable that she has been willing him to come earlier thus starting early contractions that never lead to that final result? Bodies are weird, babies are weird, and birth is scary but wonderful. I wish i could help her.. I feel powerless. I feel like the easy excuse for why things don't always work out, even if I don't know what I did or how i did it or why I was chosen. BABY you can come now, I'll be ok if you don't come on 5/1 honest... I have my revenge.
My whole life, I've had to deal with " birthday week " HELLISH is all I have to say about that. My stepdad was born on a wed, sister 4 days later, mom 2 days later. Birthday week sucks. I knew this baby would come within a few days of my birthday even though she wanted an aries and NOT a taurus. I KNEW he would give me MY very own birthday week with which to torture my family. Well, J - ou've fulfilled your familial duty as a taurus... Now they will have to deal with OUR birthday week and it will be a lot more FUN than the hellish late august family week that i had to endure.
COME NOW BABY.. please? we need this to be over for her, not just for her but for the rest of us too...heh I knew you would take your sweet ass time.. and show your mommy that she's just gonna have to wait until you're good and ready. Well, you've shown her.. now get out here and start your life. YOu have sisters and aunties and uncles and great parents waiting, not to mention grammy! cmon now... let's go. j- come fall asleep on your sister's favorite bed.. me.
xox
Awtee Day ( auntie stacie )
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| Friday, April 26th, 2002
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12:37 pm - bun in the oven
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my nephew is just browning on top... he'll be ready to come out of the oven any minute now. mmm he'll be sweet like warm pudding. He'll be soft and squishy like a marshmellow
he's gonna pee on me when I change his diaper!
He's gonna giggle when I blow air farts on his tummy.
I wonder when he's coming... today? tomorrow? it's cool to think about this boy starting his life... just at the beginning.. so long ago for me, but wow, what a time to be born. If he waits a week he can come on my birthday, but I do not wish that upon my sister. Imagine a baby, his head in position... and let's assume he's oh... 20 " long.. where is the rest of him? up in her chest? where are his feet? I saw something sticking out towards the top of her tummy the other day, I think maybe he's flat on his back, and his knees are pulled up so I was pressing on his knee in there.
I hope all the world's conflicts are resolved in his lifetime. Hell, I hope they're resolved in my lifetime... but it's just a pipedream and someone is hogging the pipe. - hey, pass that over here. oh wait. I don't partake anymore. well... that's ok. maybe by the time my baby nephew grows up the govt will be using help for fuel, instead of all the lame gas that screws with the enviornment and makes us slaves to the oil distributers. sigh, big business shouldn't take priority over the quality of life of the masses. Big business only benefits a few...a good quality of life benefits us all. I wonder what kinda emmisions burning hemp puts out into the environment... besides natural ones.
horray! babies are fun. that is all.
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| Wednesday, April 24th, 2002
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10:28 pm - Life and Death, remembering an old friend...
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Life confuses me. death confuses me more.
My mom put my dog Toby down yesterday. They tried to call me but I didn't wake up. Now my sweet friend won't wake up. he was old.. he had major health problems but I didn't get to say goodbye and that makes me sad. Toby was a giant white standard poodle. He wasn't cut like apoodle, more like a big dopey spaz with a huge white fro... Such a happy boy. When he stood next to me, I could pet him without ever bending down, When he stood on his hind legs, his eyes were even with mine... and we danced. I miss my friend. I didn't spend enough time with him in the last 7 years.. I moved out of the house, and became a recluse. I did see him twice in the last few weeks, I got on the floor next to him and rubbed him, massaged his hips... oh and how he kissed my hand and my arm, it was almost frantic... he was just so grateful to be touched and rubbed.. his body hurt i Think from arthritis. I miss my toby. Silly dope that he was... he learned how to open sliding doors ( no handle for those who many be confused ) he learned how to do all kinds of things, he was so very smart. Anyhow... I miss toby. I guess knowing he was alive, I didn't miss him even though I didn't see him that often. Now that he's gone.. I miss him. I want to know where he is. I keep asking.. " where is toby now " my mom says he's in doggie heaven, eating all the cat shit that his heart desires. ew... but i guess whatever makes him happy is ok by me in the end. Toby... wherever you are.. I love you so much. I hope that your pain is gone and that you're frollicking in doggie heaven with all the other pooches that those of us who are left behind miss so much. oh man.. now i'm crying. sigh. Death confuses me but it's the one constant.. the one thing that we KNOW we will all experience at some time or another. I guess I have some learning to do, maybe by the time I experience death, I will have learned more about it, maybe I'll be more comfortable with the whole thing, maybe not.
Toby... I was the only one who could make you moan and groan... that hard rub along the side of your face under your ear.. the kind where you would push your head into my hand with all of your strength, just to make the rub that much harder... I miss you. Thank you for being in my life... you made me smile my friend and I will never forget.
current mood:  sad
current music: Sundance Channel
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| Sunday, March 24th, 2002
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11:31 pm - wolfgang kicked oscar's ass.
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I did not watch the oscars.
I went to the opera instead.
8th row center for my favorite- The Magic Flute.
I heard that the oscards were exciting and some friends are quite shocked that I did not partake of them... I suppose mozart just seems like a better use of my time, culturally speaking. The performance was superb, beautiful... I had a great time with my dad.
anyone know who took best picture?
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| Wednesday, March 6th, 2002
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10:25 pm - unsolicited IMs give me the creeps sometimes...
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JagDinner: hey how are you doing?
EthicaI hedonism: hey, great you?
JagDinner: I'm good. may I ask you an extremely weird question?
EthicaI hedonism: sure
JagDinner: have you ever thought about or would you ever consider having a guy or someone for dinner as food?
EthicaI hedonism: hmm...
EthicaI hedonism: canNibalism doesn't sounds like something that would turn me on... but to each his own =)
EthicaI hedonism: interesting idea though
JagDinner: how is it interesting?
EthicaI hedonism: because it's an idea I have never thought of, and didn't really consider that anyone else would either
EthicaI hedonism: but we are a very creative group of animals on this planet.. we never cease to amaze me
JagDinner: do you think that it would be very interesting to see a person get roasted?
EthicaI hedonism: no
EthicaI hedonism: it's not something that interests me at all
EthicaI hedonism: I said I think it's interesting that people are out there thinking this stuff up ...
EthicaI hedonism: but I don't feel the interest in watching or partaking in that sort of thing at all
JagDinner: ok
EthicaI hedonism: is that all?
JagDinner: yes
EthicaI hedonism: ok bye!
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| Friday, March 1st, 2002
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2:29 am
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I have a bad attitude sometimes and I lean towards the negative in my thoughts sometimes and this needs to change. the end!
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| Thursday, February 28th, 2002
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4:06 pm - good stuff
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the sierra club wants me to come make a presentation...
the event will be advertised to over 50,000 people. Hopefully there won't be more than 100...
I have a good eye, does this automatically make me a good speaker in front of crowds? It's a prestigious invitation I think. I'll do it.
A gallery in barcelona spain invited me to be involved in one of their shows. I think it's very soon and don't know if i can swing it. Maybe next year. It's over 25 years old and established in 2 countries/ 3 locations. This is good... it makes me happy. Although, I'm still totally frustrated. I wish I had a pool of cash in the bank and a load of prints all framed and ready to send, at all times. wouldn't that be great? well, I'm sure i'm not alone in my wishes. I'm becoming a little more frustrated now that people are approching me more and I cannot always oblige them with my work, because it's not all printed up and ready to show. HOWEVER... it's a good sign that people want more... i suppose they may have to wait until I have become more established so that I can put my work out there more. It's a good thing, all of this is good. So how come i feel frustrated and a little scared? I should feel elaited and flattered.
Well, I have time to work it out.. I'm still young. The sierra club is booked until later this year anyhow so I should get started on those public speaking workshops.
art consultant guru person.. where are you? is it bad to want to be taken under someone's wing and given guidance? no it's not bad. it's understandable... I prefer learning from people over books, sometimes.
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| Thursday, February 14th, 2002
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2:19 pm - well...
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An art consultant recently found my website, she loved my work, is very very nice and has a project to provide some artwork to a designer, for a hotel/villa in hawaii.
I LOVE HAWAII.
Anyhow, she presented my work today to the designer who I'm told is also just a very nice and ultra talented man, and he liked all of my hawaii work and wants to see more! I am not there, in hawaii.. but if all goes well, a little piece of me will be ...
;>
oh and.. my nikon came, nikon 5000 the newest, very tough to get, even if you walk into samy's camera or B&H; photo... but I HAVE ONE! Nikon might be on the road to sponsering me, or I think I'd be considered a " nikon pro " amazing... I am amazed.
feng shui is the absolute best way to improve life. I am totally convinced.
horray for me. I might even be commisioned to go to hawaii to shoot new images. This makes me very happy.
I'm going out of town tomorrow with my new nikon...we're gonna hit sea world, I wonder how it'll do in the shark tunnel. I wouldn't use a flash of course... that would scare the fish.
ok that is all.
ps- hannah is brilliant, kelly is growing up too fast and eggbert is rising in the oven =)
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