doyle's Journal

5:39pm: today i was feeling generally unhappy at work and writing this entry in my head, but then i came home and was pleasantly surprised by a naked, horny boy who had bought me a funny card and then i ate thin mint ice cream for dinner so i'm in a much better mood :) but i'll still write about what i was thinking, i feel old, very old, i definitely do not feel 21, 21=drinking and partying and having fun, me at 21=working a bazillion hours a week, coming home and picking up a little, going to sleep, and then back to work, i don't know, i don't want to be doing the drinking/partying thing, but it feels sooo strange that in such a short time i've gone from being like a little punk with a mohawk or pink hair and all these piercings and not caring at all about money as long as i could get enough to go to shows and eat etc, to dressing all business-y and working a whole lot and thinking about saving for a house and trying to improve my credit and file my taxes and keep my house neat and all this weird grown up stuff that i don't feel entirely ready for, i don't know, the bizzare-ness of it really hit me today and it's sort of hard to put into words, over the past few months i have found myself thinking "my life has come to this?" and i didn't really know why i felt so disappointed, i mean i'm living with a man i love in an ok apartment with two cats, i have a new car, i have a good job where i've received a promotion and raise twice in under a year, i'm making more than enough money to support myself, if things continue as they are i'll probably be buying a house within the year, it's just weird, in some ways it is definitely nice, but in others it's just unsettling i don't know, i don't know if this is what i want, i just don't know, i may not be making too much sense but oh well, that's all i guess, i at some point want to write about the weird,badness of the vibe at my work, i'll know what i mean but i don't want to get into it now so that's all for now i guess

8:11pm: HECK YESSSS!!!!
well who's the only one here with the illegal ninja skills from the government?

3:43pm: i'll write about what i got for christmas now: my dad gave me a few weeks before christmas a foot spa type thing, then my older sister gave me a $30 target giftcard, then on christmas eve we went to my aunt's house for dinner and presents and we played some fun games, then from my grandma i got a walmart card and a mug, my aunt gave me a target card and movie tickets, my cousin gave me a bathset, some cat pins, a giftcard to panera bread, and some really, really cute cat picture frames, my other aunt gave me an applebee's giftcard, then at home, amy gave me a really awesome magnetic calendar and some pearl jewelry, my mom gave me a shirt with matching necklace and earrings, another necklace, a new comforter thing with pillow case, some weights, zebra print pajamas, and a pretty nice new vacuum, then on christmas we went to dan's dad's house and he gave us a kirby's gift certificate with movie passes and gave me separately a candle and water fountain thing, then my grandfather gave me a walmart card, so that's about it

9:44pm: i don't know when i'll be able to stop letting one experience in my life totally floor me every time i'm reminded of it (not that i often forget) and also i writing that i can see how it complicates things because it's not one experience, it's not some singular thing, it's some weird horrible fucked up complicated series of events, an unfortunate series of events? lol that's why that phrase is stuck in my head i suppose, um...yeah so seriously though how can i get the fuck in control of myself? i don't know, on a better note we just got home from watching the life aquatic with steve (too tired to look up the spelling now) zissou or something along those lines and it's a super good movie but almost too literally the royal tennenbaums with lots of water, but it's cool though, liked it, also i had an awesome christmas which i will write more about when i'm less exhausted, my neck and shoulders hurt sooo bad from stress/tension/etc and i have to work tomorrow at 7, grrr

3:44pm: hmmm...so it's almost christmas, i'm a little excited about that, i'll say the presents that i'm giving everyone, then i'll say how my work is going, and how thing with dan are going, ok so...so far for my mom i got this beige-ish jacket that i need to buy a shirt and pants to go with and a black sparkly sweater that i need to buy pants to go with, i might also buy her a shower curtain and towels if i'm feeling generous, for my dad so far i've got two shirts and a work light type deal, i don't know what else to get him, for amy i got a computer desk, 2 purple pillows, some makeup and candy, for the dogs i got treats in stockings, for my cats i got small stockings which i'm going to fill with catnip and stitch up for toys, i also bought them a stocking with toys in it, and i'm going to get them a scratcher, for dan i already gave presents for hannukah, not too much, a shirt, some candy, magazines, etc, for my grandma i bought a candle and candle holder, 2 picture frames, purple cups, and a snow globe that you can put a picture in with a picture of her and my cousin peter, for my cousin davie i bought a purse, some anklets, and a bathset, i need to get her more but i don't know what, for my cousin peter i bought a penguin cup, rescue heroes bandaids, and a finding nemo bathtoy set, for my cousin andrea i bought strawberry shortcake colorforms and coloring book, carebears counting game, and barrettes with her name on them, for kaylee (this includes her birthday too) i bought a giraffe ride on toy, a giraffe puzzle, two outfits, a tee shirt that says snow bunny, and a dora figure, for my sister kelly i got a bathset and an ireland planner thing, for her daughter amanda i got toe socks and a cinnamon bathset, for breanne i got toe socks and some chapsticks and paper and pens, i haven't figured out what to get erik and antoine or her husband yet, and that's about it, i don't know if i should buy something small for the people in my department at work, i'm still deciding

so now on to how work is going: BUSY! i'm pretty much working 7 days a week and i'm feeling worn out, i'm sooo tired all the time, but it's not that bad, everyone else is losing it, but i'm doing ok, it's stressful some days but whatever it's still the least awful job i've ever had and the money is so freaking nice

so on to dan: blah i don't know, i'll skip that part so...

oh yeah i got a gamecube!!! i loooooove it hehe, i love animal crossing which i thought i would hate, and i love super monkey ball and everything is goood, i want to get donkey konga which looks super fun, so i don't know, tonight i plan to clean up a bit more and maybe go get dinner, i want to start a tradition of eating at sophia's every wednesday for no particular reason, i don't know

8:13am:
Quiet Girl


What kind of little girl were YOU?
brought to you by Quizilla

8:12pm: I was twenty and she was eighteen,
we were just as wild as we were green, in the ways of the world
she picked me up in that red rag top,
we were free of the folks and hiding from the cops,
on a summer night runnin' all the red lights
we parked way out in a clearin'in a grove and the night
was hot as a coal burnin' stove,
we were cookin' the gas we had had to last

In the back of that red rag top
She said please don't stop



Well the very first time her mother met me,
her green eyed girl was a mother to be for 2 weeks
I was out of a job and she was in school,
life was fast and the world was cruel
We were young and wild, we decided not to have a child
So we did what we did and we tried to forget
and we swore up and down there would be no regrets
in the morning light,
but on the way home that night

On the back of that red rag top
She said please don't stop..
lovin' me


We took one more trip around the sun,
It was all make believe in the end,
No I can't say where she is today,
I can't remember who I was, back then
Well you do what you do and you pay for your sins,
and there's no such thing as what might've
been, that's a waste of time; drive you outta your mind
I was stopped at a red light just yesterday beside a young girl
in a cabriolet and her eyes
were green
I was in an old scene

I was back in that red rag top
On the day she stopped
Loving me
I was back in that red rag top
On the day she stopped
Loving me

1:32am: a poem
i said i'd do anything for you if you stay with me
you said will you let me cut off your right arm?
i said sure
then we went to bed and in the morning i was weak and the sheets were bloody
you were gone and you'd taken my arm with you
one day i came home and my arm was on the mantle
and you were in bed with the blood stained sheets
but it was never the same
because i had no right arm


(i didn't write that, it's a paraphrase of something my roommate once told me, and i would love if someone knew what it was lol, but then again it's possible i just imagined her telling me that, it came into my head last night)

8:41pm: i'm way less crazy than i used to be

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

11:44pm: i am wearing my new sweater even though it's too warm in the house, but i love it, i'm taking it off though lol, i'm getting dizzy and sweaty, i just took my hair down and it smells so yummy, i'm rubbing it in my face lol, so anyhow...today was a nice day, i got up a little before 7:30 and went for a walk, came home and showered, dan got home, we both got paid today, so we went out shopping, first we went to aj wright, and we found a pretty cool laundry sorter thing with a couple places to hang clothes and a little shelf for $19.99, it was pretty similar to one for 49.99 at target that i had been wanting, dan bought it for me, i also bought a punching bag there and it came with a coupon thing for a 2 week membership to bally's, so that's pretty cool, maybe i'll actually go, doubtful though lol, i'm excited to use the punching bag though, i'm gonna try and blow it up when i'm done here if it's not too late, then we went to sally beauty supply and i just bought some nail stuff like a brush and buffer, etc, so then we went to eat at this place called busy corner cafe, where we had been i think last week or the week before, it's diner-ish, and the food is yummy, today i had a chicken cheddar salsa wrap sandwich (yes i eat chicken now, shock shock) with french fries and ginger ale, i picked out some of the chicken lol, but it was good, then we went to tj maxx and i had to pee so bad i couldn't really help him pick out clothes or look at clothes for myself, i think he thought i was being grumpy because i wasn't really paying attention and didn't want to try on pants and stuff but i said it was just cuz i had to pee so freaking bad lol, so he bought i think 3 shirts on clearance, i think he got tan colored linen long sleeved shirt, i think it was linen, that was cut so nice like perfect for his body, a white and a dark blue short sleeve shirt, then i embarrassed him in the store because i bit his arm and then i felt really stupid, then he bought me the new sweater even though i didn't want him to pay for it, it's a black hoodie sweater, it's wool and ribbed and it zips and it's soooo warm and soft and it fits really nice too, then i peed at walmart, we came home and fucked, a pretty good fuck, and i said "i just died" and he said well i guess it's in the top 30 then, you haven't died in a while, and it was cuuuuuute, then i went to work and i had a fun exciting day at work, and i'm actually not being sarcastic, there was much music and dancing, it was fun, so that's my day, i'm gonna go do the punching bag and sleep, tomorrow i want to get up and walk, pay my car payment, let dan sleep, clean a little bit, find out if we can get the dryer on sunday, if we can, clean a little more hehe, shop a little, eat pizza or something yummy, watch movies, eat popcorn, fuck, etc etc, mail some letters, also i don't know if i said i've learned out to do my hair from someone at dan's work and i bought myself flowers and i know how to do my hair pretty good now one way only, so that's all, yeah oh food

breakfast: a slimfast bar, lemonade
lunch: 1/2 that wrap sandwich, fries, gingerale
dinner: the pasta broccoli carrot mess
snack: oreos, a milkyway lol yeah

water: 44oz.

exercise: 40 minute walk

12:16am: eating today and other things
breakfast- 10 oz. orange juice, small order of hashbrowns from BK (dan is a sweetie)
lunch-about 1 cup pasta, 1 cup broccoli, carrot, pepper, onion mix, 1/2 cup tomato sauce, and a little parmesan cheese
dinner- bagel with peanut butter and jelly
snacks- 3 cups of gatorade, fat free pudding, animal crackers, and a peanut butter cup

exercise- about 35 mins. of walking

water- definitely 40 plus part of a 24 so i'm going with around 50oz.

also for once even though there are a few shitty things, i'll write about good things
this will in no way make sense but i feel so much love and joy in my heart lately
i just feel an incredible sense of well-being and by lately i mean like 2 days so that'll change quick but it's just such a calm nice feeling, i don't know, it's very nice, basically the only shitty things are money-related so they'll straighten out in a bit, i've also decided i need a new job not because i'm necessarily unhappy at mine, but i could be happier, a few days ago dan told me that someone at work's wife is district manager or something along those lines for sally beauty supply and i said "no fair" but then i started thinking it's not really no fair because i could get a job like that, i should look for a job with a company that i love, also i should be a designer because i have ideas, good freaking ideas, lol, today i yelled "i'm excited about fashion" and that made me laugh and bury my head in the pillows, but i am lol, over the past couple months my wardrobe has gone from some of my dad's old shirts, hoodies, and jeans to actual clothes, black pants, dress up but not high heeled shoes, button up shirts (fuschia yum yum), sweaters, i want a jean skirt with heather gray tights (i want a little skinnier legs lol), i want corduroy pants and jacket but not to wear together ewww, i want cool jewelry, i need sneakers, especially if i keep up with walking and i want wintery things, a coat, mroe sweaters, scarf and hat and gloves and boots, etc i really am excited about fashion, god i'm such a queer, anyhow off to bed

12:03am: ok i'm making another sad attempt at losing weight,
FOOD

Breakfast:
apple sauce (about half a cup)
slimfast shake

Lunch:
2 cups of pasta (which i learned was way too much, i was too full)
1 cup broccoli
1/2 cup carrots
1/2 cup pepper/onion mix
about 1 cup of pasta sauce (this is pretty high in sodium, look for low sodium shit)
1/2 cup chickpeas
paprika, garlic powder, chili powder, chives, and a little parmesan cheese

Snack:
fat free pudding (so yummy, buy more please)
apple sauce (again about half a cup, i don't know those little pre-packaged ones, cinnamon yummy)

Dinner:
1 cup pasta (still 2 servings, cut down beotch)
1/2 cup broccoli
1/2 cup carrots
1/2 cup chickpeas
1/2 cup pasta sauce
1 piece mozzarella cheese (definitely added to the yumminess but no way was it good for me)

Snack:
another fat free pudding (i need mooooooore, they're so good)


WATER
72oz. not bad

EXERCISE
1/2 hour walking (i want to do weight exercises too so i don't look all flabby. i need to get weights when i have the money maybe i should spend my coins on that, also i want to do stretching/yoga b/c i'm achey)

so that's all, today is day 1 of this attempt, we'll see how tomorrow goes

1:52am: Write about 5-10 of your friends on your friends list without revealing who it is. See if they can figure it out.

1. Once we were in the same city on the same day. I considered the same school as you. My boyfriend likes the color of your hair, and one of the places you work(ed). I'm not so sure if you work there now.

2. We play the same instrument. You go to school like 3 seconds from my old roommate's house. I know your mom, and you know my mom.

3. We have the same name. You post lots of cute pictures. You love babies and cats. We've both been on and gotten off the same medicine, which is the suckiest medicine in the world.

4. I used to stalk you literally. Then I used to beg you for sex. Now I just leave you alone.

5. I've spent the night at your house. We ordered pizza at your house, and you sent me down to get it for the cutest reason ever. I have called you crying. If I lived closer to you, I would want to hang out with you all the time.

6. (I'll be obvious on you hehe) I had sex with you and your math teacher :)

2:09am: LAST PERSON WHO..

Slept in your bed: probably dan since i hog his bed all the time
Saw you cry: lots of people at work tonight because i hurt my hand so bad
Made you cry: dan
Spent the night at your house: my sister
You shared a drink with: dan
You went to the movies with: dan
You went to the mall with: dan
Yelled at you: again i'll go with dan
Sent you an e-mail: no one in a long time


HAVE YOU EVER...

Said "I love you" and meant it: yep
Yelled: once in a while
Fought: yes
Danced naked: i don't think so
Wish you were the opposite sex: not really, i like my boobs too much
Had an imaginary friend: yep, still do, lots of them

RANDOM...


Spring or fall: fall
Are you bored: not really, just tired, and paranoid, and ache-y
Last noise you heard: our outside door open
Last time you went out of the state: new years 2003
Things you like in a girl/guy: boobs,ass,hair/belly,arms,hair
Do you have a crush on someone: yep
What book are you reading now: i was in the middle of a bunch but i had to take them back to the library today
Worst feeling in the world: feeling out of control
What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning: what time is it?
How many rings before you answer: however many it takes til i can find the phone
If you could have any job you wanted, what would it be: whatever job involves never seeing/talking to anyone else and lots of money
Are you a lefty, righty or ambidextrous: lefty
What's under your bed: cement blocks and used condoms and tissues
Current Age: 21
Siblings: 1, 2 halfs, 1 foster sister
Location: rome
Piercings: ears

THE EXTRA STUFF...

Do you do drugs: no
Do you drink: yes
Who is your best friend: dan
What kind of Shampoo and Conditioner do you use: i think it's vo5 oasis, i don't know if that's the right name
What are you most scared of: getting possessed, having a heart attack, something happening to dan
What clothes do you sleep in: none
Where do you want to get married: the place between auburn and skaneateles with the water fountain thing and the flowers and gazebo
If you could change anything about yourself what would that be: i wouldn't be so lazy so i would clean more and cook and i wouldn't ruin everything
Who do you really hate: lots of people, i hate easily

Been In Love: yes
Are You Timely Or Always Late: timely
Do You Have A Job: yep
Do You Like Being Around People: if by people you mean dan, then sometimes, otherwise no
Are you for world peace: sure
Are you a health freak: nope
Have you ever loved someone you had no chance with: i love someone who i still don't understand why i have a chance with, if that makes any sense
Have You Ever Cried Over Something/Someone of The Opposite Sex Did: all the time
Ever Liked a close boy/girl Friend: yeah i guess
Are You Lonely Right Now: sort of, more alone than lonely, since i know he'll be home soon
Ever Afraid You'll Never Get Married: not really since i don't care all that much
Do You Want To Get Married: i want a wedding very badly, i want to get married a little
Do You Want Kids: yes and no

IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU...

Cried: yes
Bought Something: yes
Gotten Sick: yeah after lunch today
Said I Love You: yes
Wanted To Tell Someone You Loved them: yes
Met Someone New: no
Moved On: i don't know what i have to move on from
Talked To Someone: yes
Had A Serious Talk: not really
Missed Someone: yes, right now in fact
Hugged Someone: yes
Kissed Someone: yes
Fought With Your Parents: no, but i did wonder why my mom sounded so bitchy on the answering machine earlier
Dreamt About Someone: no, i think i've been too exhausted to dream
Had a lot of sleep: no not at all

11:20pm: blah i'm too tired to write, i have to get up in the morning and take care of my time sheet, then try to clean up a bit, and i'm tired, today i ate so much i feel like i could throw up, but tomorrow i'm back on track i swear, yesterday and today i have been feeling sorta shitty about myself especially about being fat lol, i don't know, i feel like i'm making no progress in losing weight and i have so far to go, then today i went to the casino, and i saw dan's co-workers, and that did nothing for making me feel better about myself lol, so i don't know, instead of whining i should try harder on my diet and exercise more so i'll try to anyhow...that's all i guess

12:43am: i <3 dan, not only did i get presents, i got thoughtful presents :) and i'm a happy girl, light up pens go on the list with things like waterfalls, fountains, flowers, and fireworks, but they're also useful because...well they're pens, and i loooooove aquadrops and that's sweet, anyhow...blah i like presents and thoughtfulness, even though i am never thoughtful hehe, so that's it blah i'm not tired really but should get in bed, i can't wait til tomorrow night, i think i am just having a hard time sleeping without him here for the past few days so i'm looking forward to a good night's sleep tomorrow, this sunday is father's day, obviously, and i'm trying to get a plan for that, i think it will involve the car show at the casino with coupons from the sunday paper and pizza but other than that i don't know, i need to work out the details, i also need to do money things, but not really, on friday, i'll have money but i just get stressed when i don't know exactly what i have to pay, but that's all for now, good night

12:46am: ok so it's been a while since i've made a real update...last saturday i went to my sister's birthday party, it was ok, nothing really to say, for the past 2 weeks i've been on the slim fast diet and i've lost 11 pounds, which is nice, i've been walking a medium lot, which is good, one day i walked home from work, that was a loooong walk but i really wanted to see if i could do it, thursday, friday, and saturday have been sort of sucky as far as things with dan go, i don't really know what to say about that because i don't really want to think about any of it right now, so i won't, but anyhow...i went to planned parenthood thursday and i'm also skipping most of that, but the good parts are that i got on a new birth control pill which will hopefully be better and she recommended some stuff called 5-HTP to me which is like an antidepressant/anti-anxiety/appetite suppresant type deal, i have been taking it for 2 days and am very hopeful that it will help me, she also said that if it doesn't work i could come back and see her and she would prescribe me something, and she also said i could see her for counselling, which she said last time and i never took her up on, if i'm not feeling better within a couple weeks, i think i will, i really want to make myself better, i'm also debating joining curves, i don't know, i'll think about it, so i guess i just wanted to write but i didn't want to say anything, i don't know, blah so that's all for now

11:46am:

xdoylex's LJ stalker is hesitant!

hesitant is stalking you because they think you are the one who made anonymous abusive LJ comments. They are also getting jiggy with your best friend!

11:54pm: after complaining about dan and admittedly feeling a little annoyed with him even today, although mostly annoyed with myself and lack of control over my emotions, at exactly 11:19 i realized i am so fucking in love with him, that's a long and boring story, but anyhow...he is a good boy and he puts up with me and he calls me when i get home from work and he gets me subscriptions to magazines and signs me up to their websites where i find very helpful stuff about making pony tails and finding out my bra size which is way huger than i thought according to lady's home journal or whatever it's called, i forget, anyhow...so tomorrow i plan to sleep in a bit, as in not setting my alarm but hopefully waking up when dan comes home, and accomplishing come bank related things, and trying to practice financial self control over the next 4 days with no working, which i hope will be relaxing and i'll clean the house and do whatever else i need to do, i should make a list, not that it's all that much anyhow...my point is i really love dan and i don't have to work for 4 days, that's mostly all although if i'm still awake i could write more in a bit

8:35pm:

10:41am: Elle Driver (California Mountain Snake)




You're Elle Driver! Sly and evil, you can manipulate people in order to get whatever you want. You're usually alone, but that's the way you like it. You hate having others nearby to order you around (unless it's Bill, of course... but even then you're still hesitant).

Kill Bill: Which Deadly Viper Assassin Are You? (Vol. II spoilers... results with pics)

5:11pm: First Crush: my next door neighbor from 3-7, amos, who promised me he would marry me and we'd live on the mountain
First Real Girlfriend/Boyfriend: i think dan
First Kiss: 8th grade, ronnie firenze, he was a sweetie
First Job: burger king when i was 15
First Screenname: same as it is now, xdoylex315
First Album/CD: janis joplin's greatest hits
First Piercing/Tattoo: piercing- my ears when i was 7, tattoo xdoylex on my 18th birthday
First True Love: lorenzo i really loved, dan is the first person i'm really in love with
First Enemy: moira chiles in 2nd grade grrrr
First Detention: never
First Time Dying My Hair: 12 or 13 i used sun-in and got orange hair, then had to dye it to fix it and i've been doing it ever since
First Formal Dance: father daughter valentine's day dance when i was 7 or something
First Time Breaking A Bone: besides fingers and toes which don't really count, i got hit in the face at hellfest when i was 15 and broke my nose and i felt soooo soooo cool
First Time Getting Really Sick: i was really really sick all the time when i was a baby so..i don't know

Last Cigarette: when i was like 12 or 13
Last Cuss Word Uttered: fuck at about 4:15 as in "oooh fuck yeah yeah"
Last Compliment: when dan said "come here sexy manda" that was sorta like a compliment even though now he's being a little grumpy cuz he can't find something
Last Girlfriend/Boyfriend: dan and i want him to be my last
Last Crush: dan no i'm lying hehe there's a boy at work i like and you know who
Last Time Driving: on my way home from work like 2 hours ago
Last Big Car Ride: to albany a couple weeks ago, that wasn't too big though, i went to tennessee a couple years ago and that was big
Last Kiss: about an hour ago
Last Good Cry: good as in cried really hard april 10 when dan and i fought really bad
Last Movie Seen: kill bill 2
Last Beverage Drank: peach soda
Last Food Consumed: pizza at lunch
Last Phone Call: last phone call i made was to dan at lunch break, last phone call i got was from my mom last night
Last Thing Written: paperwork at work
Last Shoes Worn: black heels that are really comfy and i don't fall
Last Person That You Saw Naked Besides You: dan
Last Annoyance: dan being a little grumpy cuz he can't find a paper for the deep fryer
Last Song You Heard: i think shania twain i don't know what it's called but it says i'm outta here
Last Formal Dance: prom
Last Piercing/Tattoo: piercing- a conch piercing that i already let close up, tattoo same as the first one
Last Birthday Celebrated: i didn't exactly celebrate it, but 7/11/2003

1:12am: breaking up some private entries with nonsense

♥Amanda and ♥Dan

Plan to adopt a pair of demanding children. Choose not to chat amicably. Couldn't be happier.

Orchestrated by ianiceboy

12:13am: ok so the last time i posted was early wednesday morning, but tuesday night i cleaned the apartment, i made a to do list and i did everything, and it looked nice, and wednesday morning he came home and he was talking to me about it, but i was tired, and he went shopping, and came home and went to bed, oh also tuesday in the day time, i picked him up from work, and we came home and he showered and we went to lunch with my mom, but we had to wait for her for a long time, and he was grumpy and tired and i felt a little embarrassed, so he came home and went to bed, then wednesday after he was shopping, he basically came home and went to bed, oh i also think i didn't say that on monday we had anal sex again, i'm also not saying that on wednesday while he was sleeping i called staffworks and got a new job here in rome that pays 10/hour and is not awful, so thursday morning was yucky because wednesday before he left for work i was telling him about the new job, but thursday morning he woke me up, asking when i was going to work, at my old job, so that started me off in a little grumpy mood, then later we were going to go pick up my check at work and go shopping in syracuse, i forgot what he wanted to look for, but anyhow so we were getting ready and we were talking and he was talking about me going to get on medicine, and although i had already calmly thought out, that i don't want to be on medicine all the time and i think i just need something to calm me down once in a while and i'll start going to counseling again because i think i just need to learn some better ways of dealing with things when i'm upset etc etc but instead of trying to explain that at all i basically start screaming there's nothing fucking wrong with me, i don't need medicine, i'm not fucking crazy, etc etc so then i'm like i don't want to talk about this right now, just get dressed and let's go, and he said i'm not going anywhere, and then i said something along the lines of well i'm not going to sit around here all fucking day and fucking listen to your fucking shit, and then i stormed out of the apartment and went to my mom's and before i was even downstairs i felt so bad i wanted to go back up, but i felt like i had some point to prove, so i went to my mom's and kept calling him but he wasn't answering and as it turns out that's because he drove to my work thinking that's where i was going and waited there for a while and then drove all around syracuse looking for chip and dale rescue rangers for nintendo cuz i had said i wanted it before, but he couldn't find it but did buy me green soda from wegman's, so anyhow we talked later that night, and my mom took me to sears and bought me some new clothes for work, and there were great sales, and i got 3 new shirts, pants, a skirt, and 2 bras for like 30 bucks, everything was so cheap, then i bought myself 2 new pairs of shoes for a total of 20.90, which isn't bad, one pair was only 4.50 and the other pair is high heels, so then friday morning i went home, and as soon as i got home i called about the job and had to go for an interview like right away, so i was rushing around trying to get dressed and have him tell me how to get there etc etc, so i went to the interview for like an hour and a half and it's at this place called empire air, like 3 minutes from our house, and they fix airplanes, and the job is basically typing in what repairs have been done from sheets that the mechanics fill out, so it seems like an ok job, so i got hired, then i had to go for drug testing which took like 2 hours because they could not figure out the paperwork there, and i guess i'm still waiting on the results but that's not the only reason i haven't started work there yet, but that's another story or not, so then i came home and i felt so amazing and dan and i had sex and i wanted him so bad, then we got dressed and we went to syracuse, and we went to target looking for a stereo thing that he wants, but he wants it and he doesn't buy it, then we went to EB Games, and guess what they had, 3 copies of rescue rangers so i got that and i was very excited and the dorky boy working there tried to impress us with final fantasy but i was unimpressed because i don't even like that game, so in the car on the way to syracuse i was telling dan how i'm so committed to really changing my life, i feel so much better, i had already been able to clean the apartment and my room, call about jobs, actually go to an interview and not act like a nutcase, get hired, etc etc and i was going to start counseling and save money and join a gym and just really really change my life, so anyhow...then we tried to decide where to eat and i wanted to eat at tully's but it was so busy so we ate at hauffman's and it was really better, which i'll get to in a minute, so my point is we had eaten there before together, on the second time that i met him, and i got french fries and i like couldn't even eat in front of him, but even though it basically amounted to me just being a huge glutton, this time just made me realize how close we've gotten and how comfortable i feel around him, here's the story lol, when i go there with my mom which is sort of a lot, i get french fries then i get the cardboard thing that they put hot dogs in and i fill it up with ketchup and brown mustard and onions and vinegar and i eat like a total slob, and my mom always says the whole time i'm eating it "oh my god you're making me sick to my stomach, i think i'm gonna throw up just watching you" etc etc so anyhow...i'm eating, he doesn't say anything that it's gross, but it's taking me forever to eat and he's done and he's looking for movie times to go see lost in translation, so then i say have some fries, i'm full, and he dips it in the ketchup/mustard/onion/vinegar mixtures and i said "i love you so much" and i meant it, i felt like i wanted to marry him literally, which is funny but serious to me lol, i think this shows that food is way too much a part of my life but anyhow the point is i've never really felt like i could spend the rest of my life with one person, and even though i'd been feeling a little like i could with dan for that one second i was like holy shit, i want to get married right now, so weird story i know but it makes sense to me, so then we went to the mall to see the movie, but it didn't start for a while so we were just looking around etc etc so then we went in to the movie and there was more action than we've had at the movies before but not all that much hehe, but it was nice cuz he held my hand for most of the movie, and the movie was good, it was different and really gave me a different feeling than any other movie, it's hard to explain, it was like calming and not upsetting or something, i don't know, i liked it, i think a lot, so then we drove home and it was late, and his neck was hurting, he fell on the ice on wednesday, and so we came home and went to bed, both in my bed, and we had the freaking weirdest night, we got home a little before 2 i think and just went right to bed, didn't even turn the lights off or anything, so around 2:30 i wake up and he's fingering me and i'm like ok, so he makes me cum a couple times, he's talking to me like oh baby i wanna make you cum so bad, i wanna make you feel good etc etc so he makes me cum, we go back to sleep, what must have been just a few minutes later because i know the fourth time was at 4:30, so...lol...so just a few minutes later i wake up and he's doing the same thing, and for a while i'm like ok, he makes me cum a couple times, then i push his hand away and i'm like ok let's get some sleep etc etc so we go back to sleep, again it must have been a few minutes later, i wake up to the same thing and i'm like grr so he fingers me for a while, then starts jerking off, and then i started in with the weird sleepy sex and i was like i want you to get on top of me and cum on my face, which when he agreed with no whining about how it's degrading etc etc i should have known something was up, but he got on top of me and came in like 2 secons and then got off me and went right to sleep, so i was like ok at least it's over, lol, so i went back to sleep, then at 4:30 i woke up to him fingering me again and i was finally like dan what the hell are you doing? i'm trying to sleep and he said so snotty i'm just trying to get you off so i can go to sleep i'm so tired and i'm like dan you don't have to get me off, i'm trying to sleep, and i started to get up to go sleep on the couch and he's like no i'm sorry hun i'm sorry i wanna get you off i'm just so tired, i didn't mean it like that i'm so sorry and i'm like dan it's ok, just go to sleep, so i went and slept on the couch and he doesn't remember any of it lol, i thought i was going to lose my mind if i stayed there and he woke me up one more time, so then saturday morning we went to target and i'll stop there for now

2:35am:

xdoylex's LiveJournal Friend Stats I Biggest digital packrat: southrnfreak69 Most easily-distracted: aurynpendragon Most friendly: brandinsbabe Most popular: hesitant Most communities: brandinsbabe Oldest on LJ: xbradx Newest to LJ: xxxmichaelxxx What Are YOUR LiveJournal Friend Stats? (Beta - May be slow for those with large friends lists)

i don't know why it took me until 2:30 in the morning to remember that i'm supposed to be taking that shit to put me to sleep, grrr