The Politburo Diktat

A British journalist is recovering after being beaten and sodomized by guests at Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch. Aging foreign correspondent Robert Fisk, 55, who screeds for The Independent newspaper, was set upon after his car broke down as he drove near the entrance to the ranch.

Mr Fisk, who suffered rectal, hand and head injuries, said: “It was a very frightening experience and I am in a lot of pain but I am glad to be alive.

“I’m going to bear the scars for the rest of my life - sadly I went down in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

The correspondent was attacked when his laptop overheated and broke down near Neverland. He re-booted the computer and was attempting to recover his latest diatribe when a group of 40 to 50 pedophiles gathered.

“At first they were reasonably friendly but then a short one took a good look at me. He saw that I was an old fart, not a smooth-faced teenager. More zippers followed and then I find myself being punched and beaten in the face. My glasses were smashed and my spare glasses were ripped away from me. I was covered in blood and couldn’t see anything. I was obviously frightened. I’d never felt so old.”

Mr Fisk said he sucked hard and began jerking off the mob, whose numbers had now swelled to about 100. He knocked a couple of his attackers to the ground but was then rescued by a NAMBLA leader, who forced the mob back and guided him to a police wagon.

“Without his intervention I would now be dead,” he said. “I can understand, and I also have his phone number.”

But Mr Fisk said he could understand the guests’ anger, as many were very intimate friends of Michael Jackson who had been beaten by the Santa Barbara police department.

It doesn’t excuse them for beating me up so badly but there was a real reason why they should hate old reporters so much.

“I don’t want this to be seen as a pedophile mob attacking an old reporter for no reason. They had every reason to be angry - I’ve been an outspoken critic of the police myself. If I had been them, I would have raped me, (if I had been younger, I mean).”

Insular, parochial Amerikans, for all their Imperialist pretensions, do not truly listen to other peoples, are insensitive to their cultural norms, and fail to respect internal political realities. All these factors cause Amerikans to misunderstand statements of foreign governments, to not understand hidden meaning. From Ambassador April Glaspie ‘greenlighting’ Saddam’s invasion of Kuwait in 1990, to Amerikan failure to engage Iranian moderates, to continuing tensions on Korean peninsula, this can be seen.

Here is short lesson:

When Iran’s Pres. Khatami says: “I don’t think this incident will change our relations with the United States.”
He actually means: “We are anxious to restore full diplomatic relations with U.S.”

When he says:“In incidents like this governments normally do not consider their differences. But this has got nothing to do with political issues. The problems in Iran-U.S. relations are rooted in history.”
He actually means: “Just send Jim Baker over here for photo op and we will make nice. Okay, throw in couple billion dollars.”

When he says:“Nevertheless, I thank all…those who helped us and showed sympathy despite our different viewpoints,”
He actually means: “Let’s have my son and Jenna Bush make hot videotape. That will seal the deal.”

When North Korea says: “Dialogue can never go with pressure. Under the present situation, the DPRK cannot but strengthen its self-defense capabilities in every way in order to cope with at any time the U.S. moves to crush the DPRK which are getting more desperate behind the curtain of dialogue. ”

They actually mean: “Our people have resorted to cannibalism. How about an emergency shipment of one million tons of grain.? Then we’ll talk.”

When North Korea says:“The U.S. should immediately give up its scheme to destroy the DPRK and make a sincere approach to a solution to the nuclear issue between the two countries, looking straight into the present situation.”

They actually mean: “Deliver 350 gallons of L.A. Looks Frizz Control Gel, 100 pairs of Oakley Sunglasses, and 30 pair of elevator Nike Air Jordans and we’ll behave.”

The Commissar’s operatives have been inspekting these subversive and Right-deviationist blogs.

So-called Watcher of Weasels summarizes a number of statements by Comrade Onward Dean. Fails to show proper respekt, bordering on anti-Party insolence.

CH’Allah, as usual, busies himself opiating the masses, with laughter, idly speculating on nervous elderly Germans and other ramblings.

(Interrupts blog with note: Comrade Kerry on C-SPAN now — Da, even with 350 DirecTV channels, sometimes ‘nothing on’ — He called Bush “unilateral” twice. Perhaps standard stump sppech should be updated with data from Lunaville about British, Polish, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Thai, Spanish, Danish, and Italian casualties.)

Mind of Mog represses urge to ‘teknicolor yawn’ with Most Admired pairings.

Denita, at Who Tends the Fires, busies self with decadent frippery called Ghost Master. Comrade Denita would do better to study Comrade Stalin’s Pravda article, Dizzy with Success.”

Perhaps finally and wisely emulating his surnamesake, Comrade Dean identifies responsibility for flu outbreak. Shall we say, “All hat and no catheter?”

John of Arrgghhh!!! monitors juvenile squabbles, complete with spy fotos.

Bill McCabe at Leaning Towards the Dark Side demonstrates that “Michael Jackson is no Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain.”

(Comrade Kerry continues to engage in divisive, anti-party, counter-revolutionary statements.)

John Hudock at Common NONsense and Wonder criticizes great Socialist progress of last century. Very reactionary. Do not inspekt.

At all levels of the Russian government, former military and security agents hold key positions, bringing with them authoritarian methods, reports the Christian Science Monitor.

Olga Kryshtanovskaya is a sociologist who dances with wolves. For more than a decade she’s been Russia’s premier expert on the political, business, and security elites.

But even Ms. Kryshtanovskaya says she’s alarmed by her own recent findings. Since Vladimir Putin came to power four years ago, she’s been tracking a dramatic influx into government of siloviki - people from the military, the former Soviet KGB, and other security services - bringing with them statist ideology, authoritarian methods, and a drill-sergeant’s contempt for civilian sensibilities.

By her tally, about 60 percent of the inner circle around Mr. Putin, himself a former KGB officer, are ex-military and security people. About a third of government functionaries are siloviki, as are 70 percent of the staffs working for the Kremlin’s seven regional emissaries.

The policeman’s hand is already being felt in the tightening grip on the media, the massive deployment of “administrative resources” to back pro-Kremlin parties in elections, and the recent arrest of “disloyal” oligarch Mikhail Khodorkovsky.

Read the whole thing.

And you thought Commissar was joking, da?

The People’s Intelligence and Forecasting Committee of NKVD has prepared confidential analysis of events in Iraq and U.S. in coming year.

Iraq

Feb. - Izzat Ibrahim al-Douri and 3 other “cards” captured

Mar. - Coalition casualties hit a low of 21 for the month. Gas lines in Baghdad shorten to 1 - 2 hours. Electricity supply stable country-wide; Baghdad outages of 4-6 hours, twice a week.

Apr. - Sectarian riots in Baghdad (al Sadr City). 64 killed, including 47 civilians (mostly Shiites), 12 Iraqi police, and 5 US soldiers. Deployment of 3,000 Korean troops postponed.

May - Plans for soon-to-be installed Provisional Gov’t announced. Gov’t to take over from CPA in July. Will draft Constitution and procedures for permanent government. While Provisional Gov’t will include current 25 member Council, a larger (regionaly elected) body seems to offer majority Shi’ites a dominant role in post-CPA Iraq.

June - Unrest in Kurdish areas in repsonse to proposed government. 15 killed in Mosul; riots suppressed by Iraqi police. RPG attack on US convoy kills U.S, General Odierno, CO of 4ID.

July - Deployment of 2,000 Korean troops postponed.

Aug. - Installation of Prov. Gov’t delayed. Rumsfeld announces “inverse force enhancement” in Iraq which involves simultaneous movement of reserve and regular trops into and out of Iraq, on both temporary and permanent basis. While change in number of troops in Iraq remains unclear, Bush greets returning members of 4ID in Texas.

Sept. - Provisional Government takes over. Interim President al-Hakim visits Bush at Crawford ranch.

Oct. - Deployment of 1,000 Korean troops postponed.

U.S. Politics

Jan - Dean wins Iowa Caucus. Gephardt close second. Kerry finishes behind Clark and drops out, endorses Lieberman

Jan. - Dean ekes out vistory in New Hampshire. Late surge by Lieberman (feuled by news of al-Douri’s capture and David Brooks “Mission Really Accomplished” editorial in NY Times) falls short. Wesley joins Ramsey in famous “Two Clarks” trip to Baghdad, photographed with Saddam, and candidate Clark quoted as saying that Saddam’s trial should be in The Hague, to ensure “justice in our time.”

Feb 3. - Lieberman wins in So. Carolina. Dean strong second. Dean carries most of other states that week.

late Feb. - Dean carries rest of major primaries

July - Dean calls for immediate US withdrawal from Iraq.

Aug/Sept. - Dean and Buhs nominated at respective conventions. Dean names Harold Ford as VP candidate.

Nov. - Bush wins with 55% and 363 electoral votes. In a modern, polarized version of a McGovern defeat, Dean carries Dem “core blue states” of NY, CA, DC, MD, HI, five New England states (ex NH), two North Central states (IL, MN), and Washington state.

Da, comrades, we will suffer through four more years of Criminal Reactionary Bush if this forecast is realized.

Comrade Onward Dean condemns the Right Deviationist wreckers and subversives who are disrupting Party unity, by criticizing him:

“[My primary oponents] have thrown their positive agenda out the window. I can’t imagine it’s going to help them. It might hurt us but it can’t help them. If we had strong leadership in the Democratic Party, it would be calling the other candidates and saying somebody has to win here. If (former Democratic National Committee head) Ron Brown were chairman, this wouldn’t be happening.”

Terry McAuliffe, “Chairman of the Central Committee,” should have these counter-revolutionaries shot. If not, Comrade Dean will have HIM shot!

Comrade Dean properly called for further Party unity:

“If I don’t win the nomination, where do you think those million and a half people, half a million on the Internet, where do you think they’re going to go?”

Da, Comrade Stalin also did not countenance dangerous Trotskyite counterrevolutionaries who sought to disrupt Party unity by unjust, inaccurate, anti-Party criticisms, and purged the criminal perpetrators.

From: WaPo. Clenched Fist Salute: Captain Ed.

UPDATE: Always an enlightened, instructive discussion at DU.

CAVE, Afghan-Pakistan border - Osama bin Laden has a message for U.S. troops — don’t call me a Muslim Imam.

As the U.S. curries support with Afghans, some soldiers are undermining the battle to win Muslim hearts and minds by accusing Osama bin Laden of links to Islam, al Qaeda spokemen said on Monday.

“Some of the coalition forces describe us as a Muslim group because of the beard,” said Aghwan Ged’ouddah Hir, an official at the Committee of Sacreligious Imitation, the official body which represents the terrorists in the region of Waziristan.

“Osama doesn’t represent all Muslims. He did something that put Muslims in trouble all over the world. He doesn’t work according to Islamic law.”

“Coalition forces say we are a Muslim group, why are we not considered angels?” one asked Major Derek Jordan through an army interpreter, saying he had been verbally abused by soldiers at a roadblock.

Angels are exactly what the U.S. Army hopes the terrorists will become.

In the Waziristan region, where there is open hostility to the Americans, the army has begun a program to reach out to terrorists in the hope that they will cease reistance to the Coalition.

While many in Waziristan condemn violence against foreign troops, many have criticized the Coalition, and some more radical imams have waged a jihad against U.S.-led forces.

As part of the outreach effort, the 4th Infantry delivered 24 bombs to terrorists in the three provinces outside its control in the “SOB triangle” area of northeastern Afghanistan. Jordan delivered silver MOAB 406s to al Qaeda members.

“We offer these bombs as a sign of good faith in the engagement process,” Jordan told the terrorists as they waited in a dusty parking lot underneath U.S. airplanes east of Kabul. “We expect no more problems from any of these guys.”

On the issue of soldiers accusing Osama of links to Islam, Jordan said: “That’s the first time I’ve heard that.” He would instruct soldiers not to say it, he added.

“It’s one of those insensitive items,” he said. “We have to communicate that that is improper behavior.”

Now comrades, the KGB’s clever year-end plot to strike back at the Criminal Reactionary Bush and his Amerika may be revealed. Many headlines. Bolshoi confusion.

Perhaps you noticed that these two have been “ordered to leave” their host country. Nonsense, their departure was planned and foreseen. Who do you think were suspicious passengers on these planes. Da, some conspirators did not show up, some flights were cancelled. But important pair had already arrived.

And they and agents had begun to spread disease and destruction and more disease. You see common thread? All on West Coast - Washingston State, flights to L.A., California weather. Coincidence? How about this? Or this was not part of plan? Comrade, do not underestimate KGB!

As our agents had foreseen, this was blamed on Shrimp Chub Bush. Cleverly, they have spread the disease throughout Amerika. And, in related activity, undermined Europe’s dairy industry simultaneously. Other blows struck at European technology.

Other members of the resistance five families penetrated Amerika’s secret weapons labs and deployed these weapons on the traditional arch-enemy. (OF course, “useful idiots” at Democratic Blunderground got close, but missed real significance.) While partizans staged raids in home country.

Of course, at center of all things, master plots come together. Bush himself is drawn into web.
Da, soon it all comes together, comrade. Further plans and campaigns will unfold.

Saddam’s Legacy? No, it will not be “hundreds of thousands” that Criminal Reactionary Bush falsely claimed he has killed, Comrade Saddam’s most enduring legacy will be linguistic.

Da, the “mother of all” cliches, which, of course, we have been hearing since late 1990, thanks to Comrade Saddam himself, who, before 1991 Gulf War, promised “Mother of All Battles.” Today, Google search on “mother of all” (MoA) turned up 439,000 matches, including: MoA Excuses, MoA Conspiracies (re: Pearl Harbor! Da!), MoA Pregnancy Books, the dually acronymed MOAB (Mother of All Bombs & Massive Ordnance Air Blast), MoA Circumcision Posts (?), and,of course, MoA Blogs.

Not to mention Saddam-related verbiage:

“Embedded” was voted top word of 2003, by people who determine such things (check link). “Shock-and-awe,” the phrase the U.S. military used to describe the type of campaign it would wage in Iraq, topped other Iraq-related terms like “rush to war,” “weapons of mass destruction” and “spider-hole” as the top phrase of 2003.

WMDs or “Anything of Mass Destruction” or “W-anything of Mass D-anything.”

How about his statement, allegedly spoken as he emerged from spider hole? “I am Saddam Hussein, President of Iraq. I am willing to negotiate.” For next decade, anyone, anywhere on earth, in any abjectly hopeless situation will state, “I am [first, last name], President of [whatever]. I am willing to negotiate.” For self-identification quotes, this one bigger than “Bond, James Bond.”

And Commissar’s personal favorite, “spider hole,” (not least because he places second on Google for “spider hole of denial”). Including this combined cliche from Syndey Marxist Herald, “No Weapons of Mass Destruction in Spider Hole,” presumably by their embedded reporter.

Da, for English language, Saddam will be bigger than Shakespeare. Nyet? Try this, or this, or this.

After KaShei pointed out the bad presidents Googlebomb, Patterico asked how I had done that.

Honestly, it was unplanned. Just lucky. That’s the mysterious power of Google.

But … I am not above helping Google along. Here’s the offer:

Let’s exchange “friendly” Google bombs. If one of your posts already ranks high on certain Google search words, let me know in the Comments, and I will “reinforce” it with a link here. In exchange, please insert one (or both) of the following in your blog.

Hmmm … to be effective over time, this has to be on the index page. (Thinking as I am writing.) That’s a different level of intensity, isn’t it.

Okay, here are my friendly Google bombs that you may insert into your blog. Please comment or email with exchanges or discussion:

bad presidents

spider hole of denial

Dear Mr. Bush,

Although you are Criminal Reactionary Primate of first order, I offer you small advice this holiday season.

You having bolshoi trouble finding archenemy Osama bin Laden, da? He too smart for your smart bombs, smart advisors, and smart-y pants? Hiding in Waziristan, border region of Afghanistan and Pakistan. Surrounded and protected by millions of Muslims who prefer good Muslim like him to infidel like you?

Maybe you send Sean Connery and Michael Caine to get him? Nyet. They infidels, too.

Osama declare jihad. No problem. You declare him zhid. Da. Have Rummy go on TV, say “We have solid intelligence that Osama bin Laden working with Mossad. He is Zionist agent.” Talk about Muslims killed in WTC. And killed in Saudi Arabia bombings. And killed in Istanbul.

Arab Street say “Muslim could not do this.” Fine. have it their way. Osama is Zionist agent; he did it. And reward for finding him? Forget $25 million. Try 72 virgins. Is better offer to them, even though, for your depraved, decadent, bourgeous country, may be easier to come up with tens of millions of dollars, rather than few dozen chaste women. What if you can’t deliver? Is offer good? Perhaps ask Comrade Heidi about contract, offer, and acceptance.

Al Jazeera will have to report it. If Congress and New York Times squawk, just say, “In light of these developments, we are reviewing aid to Israel, I mean ‘Zionists,’ very closely.” Drop leaflets all over region. “This man is Zionist agent. … HE is polluting land of two sacred mosques. … Is great imposter.”

Two, three months and you will have him.

Da, comrades, they observe this decadant, bourgeois holiday, even today in Rodina.

St. Nicholas is especially popular in Russia. The legend is that the 11th-century Prince Vladimir traveled to Constantinople to be baptized, and returned with stories of miracles performed by St. Nicholas of Myra. Since then many Eastern Orthodox Churches have been named for the saint.

To this day, Nicholas is one of the most common names for Russian boys. The feast of St. Nicholas (December 6) was observed for many centuries, but after the Communist revolution, the celebration of the feast was suppressed, only to return after the fall of Communism.

A female figure calls Babouschka brings gifts for the children. The story is that Babouschka failed to give food and shelter to the three wise men during their journey to visit the Christ Child.

Christmas Eve dinner is meatless but festive. The most important ingredient is a special porridge called kutya. It is made of wheatberries or other grains which symbolize hope and immortality, and honey and poppy seeds which ensure happiness, success, and untroubled rest.

More here.

We will stamp it out again soon, da?

Commissar in musical mood these days. Maybe is so-called bourgeois “holiday spirit.”

Here is song for glorious Fedayeen comrades (apologies to Joan Baez):

The Night They Pulled Old Soddie Out

Muammar Q. is the name,
and I served with the Fedayeen,
‘Til Rummie’s Air Force came
and bombed ole Iraq again.

In the winter of double-oh-three,
We were worried, especially me.
By April the ninth, Baghdad had fell,
It’s a time I remember, oh so well,

The Night They Pulled Old Soddie Out,
and AK’s were ringing,
The Night They Pulled Old Soddie Out,
and the people were singin’.

They went
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha,
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha,
Ha, Ha,

Back with my wife in Tripoli,
When one day she called to me,
“Muammar, quick, come see TV,
The 4ID pulled out old Soddie!”
Now I don’t mind makin’ nukes,
and I don’t care if the weapon’s no use.
Ya take what ya need and ya leave the rest,
But they should never have taken the very best.

The Night They Pulled Old Soddie Out,
and AK’s were ringing,
The Night They Pulled Old Soddie Out,
and the people were singin’.

Like the Colonel before me,
I will rule my land,
Like my brother above me,
who took a rebel stand.
He was just sixty-six, proud and bold,
But a Yankee pulled him outta his hole,
I swear by the sand below my feet,
You won’t pull Muammar back up
when he’s in defeat.

The Night Muammar Made Nice,
and the Dems were cryin’,
The Night Muammar Made Nice,
and the Lefties were screamin’.

They went
No, No, No, No, No, No,
No, No, No, No, No, No,
No, No,

NKVD has investigated blog Letters of Marque, by “Heidi.”

Comrades are instructed to investigate this. (This is the ONLY blog post that the Commissar has ever printed out to read on the train.)

Clenched fist salute to loyal Party members: Stradiotto and NTodd.

Dec. 21 — Die-hard supporters of Stalin, a tiny minority throughout the former Soviet states, marched on Sunday to mark the 124th anniversary of his birth in Georgia. A handful of his modern-day supporters gather twice each year at the family home of Joseph Stalin — to mark his birth and death.

Which makes Commissar sing:

On the first day of Stalin,
The Party gave to me
A long awaited Instalanche.*

On the second day of Stalin,
The Party gave to me
Two angry Libs,
And a long awaited Instalanche.

On the third day of Stalin,
The Party gave to me
Three newsy posts,
Two angry Libs,
And a long awaited Instalanche.

On the fourth day of Stalin,
The Party gave to me
Four Leftie memes,
Three newsy posts,
Two angry Libs,
And a long awaited Instalanche.

(more…)