Wonkette

• Human phallus John Boehner’s million-plus siblings may be unemployed, or not. He doesn’t know! All he knows is that he has “empathy” for them, which we all know means “fuck y’all,” in Latino.
• Andrew Breitbart became conservative America’s new piece-on-the-side. By courageously posting cleverly edited footage for political motives, and then defending his bizarre charade on television, he proved once again that America is truly the land of opportunists.
• Speaking of Shirley Sherrod, she sure had a fun week, in hell! She got fired from her job and then got it back again but then told Barry O. to “talk to the hand,” because her face didn’t want to hear it anymore. MORE »

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• Deathstorm Bonnie is currently taking its talents to South Beach and raining and blowing really hard but not much else. Bonnie is a disorganized mess cut up by wind shear but that isn’t stopping her from wreaking all kinds of havoc: relief-well drilling and cleanup operations have been suspended until the storm passes. It has, however, been downgraded to a Tropical Depression. You know who else is depressed? All the oily pelicans and flaming turtles. MORE »

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Tips have been streaming in today to find “America’s Next Top Basil Marceaux,” and it appears the most worthy contestant just happens to be running against Basil Marceaux himself. “Crazy Man” James Reesor, as he calls himself, is an independent candidate for governor of Tennessee. And he actually has pretty good grammar and is sort of coherent! Look, he actually goes out and campaigns! So who is James Reesor? His Web presence is a rabbit hole of flashing GIFs and swooshing noises, but we’ll try to get to the bottom of it. MORE »

This conversation doesn’t really follow a logical path, but that must be because your afternoon editor is a “man” and cannot understand this sort of ladies’ bathroom talk. At the very least, Republican Senate candidate Linda McMahon will win the pivotal Connecticut Kool-Aid Man vote. “Ohhhhhhhhhh yeah!” [via Newell]

What’s a great way to relax at work after a tough morning of approving new torture techniques or Predator-drone bombings of weddings and hospitals in Lower Povertystan? If you’re one of the U.S. government employees and contractors of the Pentagon and its myriad criminal spy operations, “coffee break” means kicking back with some child pornography, that you bought using traceable methods and keep at work on the Pentagon computers. Child pornography! So now raping your own kids and selling the video isn’t just scraping the very bottom of the moral sewer, it’s also patriotic! MORE »

Joe Biden has apparently been personally working very hard to get stuff passed, because at a fundraiser today, he said “the heavy lifting is over.” The boxes have been moved to America’s new apartment! The Hispanic fellows have been given a tip! And pizza has been ordered! Congratulations, the U.S. government is done for now, and you no longer need to pay attention to politics until after the midterm elections, because Joe Biden says so. MORE »

Oh, here is your modern-day Edmund Burke, revealing what she thinks the GOP’s political philosophy should be when they win a Congressional majority in the midterm elections: “I think that all we should do is issue subpoenas and have one hearing after another. And expose all the nonsense that is gone [sic] on. And it’s very important when we come back that we have constitutional conservative leadership because the American people’s patience is about this big. So we have to make sure that we do what the people want us to do.” Yes, Michele Bachmann, this is what we want you to do. No more passin’ laws and such. MORE »

Did you know that there was a Controversy this week surrounding a USDA employee? No? Neither does West Wing Week, the greatest television program on the Internet. Its sole reason for existence is to tell you the things that Barack Obama did that had nothing to do with his Secretary of Farmville’s hysterical reaction to a video clip posted by a douche. This week’s edition is entitled “A Sensible Midwesterner.” Is the title in reference to Bariatric Obama? No, because he is from Nairobi. MORE »

Sarah Palin is going to be back on the teevee, this time for some Kate Plus Eight show on TLC with “Kate Gosselin” that your great-aunt watches. And thus Palin has reached the next stop on the road to the presidency, as all candidates must first prove their worth on a TLC reality show following around some freakish family. This Kathryn lady has eight children, you see, and now these kids will go camping with Sarah Palin to “learn about Alaska” (drill polar bears for oil) and learn “natural history” (how he and his wife made Sarah Palin) from her dad, Chuck Heath. What? MORE »

The wait is over … and did you even realize you were waiting, all this time, for this? WonketteMart has opened for business, with our first batch of custom-designed beautiful, shocking Wonkette Fake Campaign Shirts. Go, look, and pre-order today to save money$$$. What is happening? MORE »

Dr. Rand Paul has been somewhat quiet of late, after realizing that saying the things he actually thinks is not the world’s greatest idea. But, despite Sharron Angle’s revolutionary new political science theories, sometimes you have to appear before the voters and speak words, aloud. So Rand Paul did this, in a joint appearance with his opponent, before a demographic that’s always open to ideologies of total self-reliance and an absence of government subsidies: farmers! MORE »

Since sore-losering his 2008 Senate recount to state-drawer Al Franken, Minnesota sore-loserman Norm Coleman has been stuck raising money for some random conservative group he heads that likes to air teevee ads. But in January, Michael Steele’s term as RNC chair will be up, and Coleman thinks that maybe he will like that job instead of what he is doing now, because what he is doing now is not going to lesbian sex shows. BUT MICHAEL STEELE IS NOT GOING TO STAND ASIDE. MORE »

Tom Tancredo’s career as an elected politician, rather than as a crusader for deporting everyone: Whatever became of it? Last the “Tom Tancredo” tag on Wonkette heard, he was 100 percent definitely running for governor of Colorado. If only Scott McInnis and Dan Maes, the two GOP candidates who actually bothered to register for the primary, hadn’t been so busy plagiarizing and being unethical, respectively, they might have been aware of Tancredo’s gubernatorial ambitions. Now they have only 72 hours to flee from the race in disgrace, or Tom Tancredo will be forced to crush them from the lofty perch of the “American Constitution Party.” MORE »

The iOwnTheWorld.com jokey blog asked its readership to come up with some ice cream flavors in honor of Barack Obama, who recently enjoyed some socialist revolutionary ice cream at a Black Panther Party-run free dessert shoppe in Maine. And now they have some winners: ”Baracky Road w/ Marxmallows,” followed by the uppity-sounding “Chocolate Chip on His Shoulder” and a pool of “runner-ups” that includes “dumb raisin” and Grandpa Cracker’s very special “Reggie’s Fudge” (who’s Reggie?). The winner gets a free guest blog post where they can make more cool summertime treats/racisms and generate comments about inventions like “watermelon oreo slush,” which sounds terrible on more than one level. [CBS News/iOwnTheWorld.com]

Some radio producer lady who used to be on the liberal smear forum JournoList has apologized for once writing there that if she saw national treasure Rush Limbaugh having a heart attack she would “laugh loudly like a maniac and watch his eyes bug out.” No one is more appalled by this disgusting talk than Rush Limbaugh, who knows that the lady is just “jealous” of his success. MORE »

The New York Times cheerily announced the death of all our hopes and dreams today by announcing that Alvin Greene “is now out with his first campaign video.” Perhaps leaving his home and talking with voters in person could be forgiven by his superiors at the Daoist monastery, but surely producing a slick hip-hop video urging people to vote for him and releasing it on the Internet is incompatible with true oneness with the Way. But we here at Wonkette suspect that this video was not released by the Greene uncampaign at all! After the jump, we dismantle these patently false assertions from the so-called “paper of record” (plus we have the video itself, you must watch it, it is amazing). MORE »