Wonkette

Michael Fenter wasn’t down with President Barack Obamar’s socialistic jillion-dollar bailouts of the nation’s banks AT ALL. So one day the Seattle area boat builder, farmer-man and hardcore Real American grabbed his gun, got into his Libertymobile and started robbing banks in Washington state and California — to take the bailout money back. For a while there, he was really on a roll! But then America decided to punish him for expressing his love of country in this most eclectic manner. MORE »

U.S. District Judge Susan Bolton high-fived a bunch of illegal immigrants the other day and ruled against the parts of Arizona’s immigration law that would have made them melt. BUT NOW REAL AMERICA IS ANGRY. You see, “some of the messages sent to Bolton are positive, but others are ‘from people venting and who have expressed their displeasure in a perverted way.’” Haha. “My cock hates illegal immigrants so now you have to ANSWER to my cock, which you can see in this photo I sent along.” MORE »

There has only been one president in American History who was clearly headed for impeachment and conviction and removal from office: Richard Nixon, the worst crook to ever slither inside the White House. Even four decades later — and after many of his loathsome henchmen went on to scheme and manipulate within another four Republican administrations — Nixon is both the very low standard America has set for Criminal Presidents and the only example, ever, of presidents so guilty that they’ll actually resign rather than face justice. And that’s why (?) Republicans have, ever since, spent all their time trying to make up some reason why a Democratic president should be impeached. For example, did you know Barack Obama must be impeached because, uh, the Iowa Republican Party wants to “change” the 13th Amendment. MORE »

• Remember Chelsea Clinton, the poor little rich girl who lived in the White House during our last era of Peace & Prosperity, when people had no problems beyond grunge, Windows 95, Oval Office blowjobs and the rapidly growing chasm between the wealthy and the poor? Well, Chelsea has not been in the news very much, ever, other than that time a couple of years ago when her mom was accused of “whoring” the adult child, during a primary campaign. It’s no wonder the entire Democratic fundraising community of moneybags is so upset about not getting invited to Chelsea’s “small wedding,” because what are we now, chopped liver? Is the wedding “small” like the checks we wrote to Bill and Hills and now we’re not invited to be Chelsea’s “best man” or at least perform the ceremony like cool friends always do these days? MORE »

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How did we miss this Mike Huckabee/Fox News show on Sunday? Oh yeah, because it was Mike Huckabee’s show on Fox News, on Sunday. Anyway, Blacky McHopesalot is causing the “End Times” and the Apocalypse, just like Jimmy Carter did, three decades ago. [Right Wing Watch]

• Many communities have decriminalized marijuana-cigarette smoking, but one very progressive township has taken this to the next level. Niskayuna, New York, has legalized ice cream trucks so children don’t have to drive to the ice cream store after they get high on marijuana. Now they can just lie in the street, stoned, and wait for the ice cream to come to them. [Hit & Run]
• The anxiously anticipated release of Erick Erickson’s autobiography, Jesus, et Cetera, is just two short months away. Pre-order Jesus, et Cetera on Amazon maybe? [RedState]
• Diaperman David Vitter has a very poor opinion of the FDA, because in his alternate whoremonger universe FDA is a secret acronym for Federal Death (Panel) Administration. Sigh. [Think Progress]
• Yes, The View forced Barack Obama to confess he doesn’t know what “Snooki” is, and yes, this means he probably just read “Snooki” from a teleprompter during the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, because he is braindead and regurgitates important words such as “Snooki” without even knowing what they are. You figured it out Jonah Goldberg, you are Today’s Winner. [The Corner]
• Poll: Hillary Clinton could be The President if she murdered Barack Obama and then wore his skin as a body suit, in 2012. [Washington Whispers]

IMPORTANT NEWS: Yes, the cover of Sarah Palin’s next book has been revealed, and TeamSarah.org is positively agog. Asks “Tainler,” “Does anyone think this is another step towards a presidential run?” Yes, yes we do. How many American flags are there here? Three. 3+1(”#1 New York Times Bestseller”)=4. How many years is a presidential term? FOUR. There you go. “Great Cover. Why America and not American?” asks “Maggie in Indiana.” Because words with the letter “n” in them are racial slurs. Oh wait, we have to make a Blingee for this. MORE »

The Jewish Protection League just put out a communiqué announcing that the swastika is no longer a Jew-specific symbol of hate, so everybody can just chill the hell out about the swastikas everywhere, because the chances are good that the swastika in question is not even about you, if you are Jewish. But it might be about you if you are literally anything else, including Mexican or gay or Turkish or 16th Century English settlers in America or black people or cops or the Chinese or, in Russia, anybody but very white Slavic Russians. It is also commonly used as a symbol of hate against the turtle, itself a symbol of hate (in nature). Who knew that the Internet habit of calling everybody else “Hitler” would somehow spread to illiterate neck-tattooed fucktards who somehow managed to get a can of spray paint or at least a Sharpie ™? Is this because everybody’s got the iPhones now? MORE »

If you make it through even a little of the “50 Most Beautiful People” on the Hill list — especially the moving prose — you will learn that the people on this annual summer-gimmick list made it there because of the ability to survive on a diet of cheese nips, pasta, and Diet Mountain Dew. Do these people not know that the Hill is home to some of the best restaurants in DC? As service-y journalists, we hope to help this confused and hungry group of “attractive for DC” people navigate their local eating options. MORE »

In these rancid sweltering days of summer when smart people are at their beach houses and only the poor and the dumb continue to “show up for work,” media professionals understand that there’s basically no news, and no audience for that lack of news. In late summers past, interns and near-retirement burnouts would dump a steady flow of pure bullshit into the world’s media stream, just to keep everything sort of functioning. UFOs, bears eating campers, “talking dildos,” Mother Mary on a quesadilla, surfing dogs, Wikileaks, weird speculation about what kind of awful secret Tim Russert took to his grave to allow Luke Russert to still stutter and sweat on MSNBC … these were the staples of the news business, until the grownups got back from the Hamptons and saw all the ratings and circulation and whatever all went right in the crapper, just like last summer. But this year is different, in at least one respect: Shirley Sherrod has vowed to keep page views and Nielsen ratings steady until Labor Day by announcing her plans to sue Andrew Breitbart in court, for that thing he did to her, because she was a random black person who worked for the Farm Bureau somewhere. MORE »

Ray Stevens is a 71-year-old singer-songwriter who was popular in the 1970s and 80s for his funny novelty songs such as “Ahab the Arab” (pronounced “A-rab”) and “The Mississippi Squirrel Revival” and “It’s Me Again Margaret,” all of which your afternoon editor recommends for their high kitsch value. But now this silly song-man’s career has taken a very political turn; a turn that has taken him into the AOL inboxes of Teabaggers across the country. MORE »

WCBS in New York City reported this afternoon that Rep. Charlie Rangel has cut a deal to avoid going to trial on various charges of ethics violations. So did he? Charlie Rangel doesn’t know. “I don’t know. I’ll tell you one thing, until someone tells me that there is, there isn’t,” he said. Yes, that is one thing. The House ethics panel’s ranking minority member, Rep. Jo Bonner of Alabama, doesn’t know if Rangel cut a deal either. Did Charlie Rangel and the ethics panel get black-out drunk together? MORE »

The Teabagger Caucus’ Dear Leader Michele Bachmann was on Newsmax.TV (hah!) and was asked about Tom Tancredo’s suggestion that President Obama should be impeached for not securing the border. So obviously she shrieked, “Yea! Yea! He hath betrayed us! Throwen he in ye dungeon!” EXCEPT SHE DIDN’T. “Whether or not this is an impeachable offense is one that the Congress would have to make a determination on.” Oh, stop leading us on, Michele! You know it’s an impeachable offense! MORE »

Congress likes to spend money. But sometimes they also think, “Wait, do we have any money?” And then they come up with an idea to make themselves a cool $20 or so, and then they get back to spending lots of money. We are witness to one such idea right now. Though they banned it just four years ago, the House Financial Services Committee let a bill go forward yesterday that would legalize online poker and other betting that is not on sports so that it can be taxed. And now, because of this vice, our children will be saved from debt forever. MORE »

Farmer-taunting U.S. Senate candidate Rand Paul has a new scheme to make himself look popular and beloved by the American nation: a “friend bomb” campaign on Facebook. “The goal is to have over 100,000 fans who ‘Like’ Rand’s Page,” says the page itself. It’s good to have goals! And your goal in all this? To win the grand prize: Lunch with the Paulster himself, in Kentucky. But how? MORE »

OMG the president is on the famous old-lady chatroom teevee show The View. And if you’re on the East Coast, he is on the teevee right now at this moment, if you’re reading this exactly when we are typing it. Let’s join all the famous ladies — Oprah, Katie Couric, Penelope Cruz, Donna Brazile and Meg McCain — for a delightful daytime talk romp with our Commander in Couch, Barack Obama! He will tell America’s house-bound moms and disabled factory workers about the Highs & Lows of his eight years in the White House, so far. MORE »