MSNBC’s very own narcissist-blowhard teevee personality Ed Schultz laughs and laughs at last weekend’s Glenn Beck Death March on Washington. Does he laugh because the rally was several hours of monotonous, meaningless drivel attended by the most wretched and diabetic demographic of America? Does he laugh because Glenn Beck organized an army of worshipers to rub one off all over them, or because Sarah Palin was wearing enormous hooker-wedges on her feet as she stood next to the podium and watched respectfully as Glenn blew himself (which your Wonkette saw with its own eyes and was horrifying)? Nope! Guess again! (Hint: It’s worse.) READ MORE »
Here’s how Lamestream Media magazine Vanity Fair describes the life of professional fraud and money-grubbing fame-beast Sarah Palin: “a sad and moldering strangeness lies beneath.” Gross! Also gross is Palin’s obsession with her “dirty undergarments,” which she presumably sells on Team SarahPAC to keep those checks from creepy old wingnut millionaires arriving in Wasilla. Let’s skip all the psychoanalysis — we sort of already knew she was a congenitally dishonest & delusional narcissistic paranoid creep — and get right to the part about her fouled underwear. READ MORE »
Evil “Alaska Establishment” Senator Lisa Murkowski has finally admitted defeat in her Republican primary race against Yale Law lumberjack Joe Miller. Miller’s victory is hailed as a huge Teabagger upset success, because Sarah Palin told Alaska that Joe Miller was so handsome (also every Alaskan phone was molested by mysterious automated messages accusing Lisa Murkowski of being a crypto-Democrat and probably a half-Muslin just for good measure). But anyway! Congratulations, Alaska, you voted for the guy who has promised to stop all federal spending, forever. READ MORE »
Did you stay up late watching the president’s four-second speech about the end of the “fightin’ part” of the 2003 U.S. invasion of Iraq? Then you must be feeling very victorious today, and ready to prosecute the next war against American Freedom, which is the war against the way we spent money we didn’t have on Chinese “consumer goods” we didn’t need but kept magically using Ancient Islam to make money come out of our genies (our mortgaged houses) by using the foreign-sounding “HELOC loans.” This is why Barack Obama and George W. Bush enjoyed a telephone chat yesterday, and why Robert Gates is in Baghdad right now about to give Iraq a certificate of attendance for having the shit blown out of it for a decade now. READ MORE »
Oh look who’s on teevee for the first time ever: Barack Obama, commander of all wars! Let’s liveblog his triumph or whatever it is — Orwellian something-or-other, according to Sarah Palin.
8:05 PM — He talked to George W. Bush on the phone! And yet, he did not praise George W. Bush for starting this most awesome war ever, in Iraq.
8:06 PM — Because of the middle class we don’t have, and the trillion dollars we borrowed from the Chinese, now we can’t have nice things.
8:08 PM — Education, manufacturing, all of these things we just don’t have now … just like Iraq, today!
8:09 PM — But we must challenge our failures just like the soldiers did, somewhere. Treat your mortgage like an IED, for freedom! READ MORE »
Tim Pawlenty is in his dying days as governor of Minnesota, so soon he will FINALLY join his fellow potential presidential candidates in not having real jobs. But for now, he’s just decided to fuck with his state in order to score a few points he can use in the 2012 primaries. He’s decided he must hate Obama’s health care reform in order to win various straw polls, and the only part of the health care plan he can opt his state out of is the part about the federal government giving money to states, so he’s done that one. READ MORE »
Oh, Dipshit Magoo! Why would Saddam Hussein give a speech announcing the end of U.S. combat operations in Iraq? That is extremely difficult to fathom. Besides, if Obama really had had his way, Saddam Hussein would be serving on the Supreme Court as the token bearded lesbian. Oh, and the Supreme Court would be renamed “Park 51.” The End. [Twitter]
So is Sarah Palin saying George Orwell did not write fiction, he wrote history books, and thus Obama is rewriting this history? That must be terrifying for Sarah Palin, knowing that just decades ago farm animals established a communist state right on Western soil. Or is she saying Obama will take credit for the surge, and thus Obama is a minor civil servant in the government who revises records in order to further official propaganda, a la 1984? Probably that one. So if Obama is just a civil servant, then who is president? READ MORE »
With nothing else to talk about today, despite the fact that Sharia is slowly being added to law books all over the country, RedState decided they were gonna have themselves a good ol’ Photoshoppin’ contest with a photo of the newly made-over Oval Office. But three hours later, why has no one entered yet? “Da Rules: Don’t be profane, don’t be disgusting, don’t be crazy. This is for fun.” First of all, “Da”? That sounds BLACK. And it’s impossible not to be profane or disgusting or crazy when you make a racist Photoshop. And also Photoshops of the Oval Office are VERY SERIOUS MATTERS for conservatives, not “for fun.” So we are providing a Photoshopped image of a floating Erick Erickson with his trusty laptop in this version of RedState’s Oval Office photo, and we are holding a Blingee contest! READ MORE »
There’s a decent chance you’re getting unemployment or welfare or whatever right now, and if you’re not, just look around! With 17% of Americans surviving with the help of government “anti-poverty programs,” any random collection of six people is going to include at least one lucky enough to get some help from the feds. We don’t know if this include kids’ lunch programs and SCHIP and HeadStart and other such handouts for lazy children. But the message is clear: America is just barely hanging on thanks to the money shoveled upon it by the Semi-Socialist New Deal Government. READ MORE »
Michele Bachmann has a new ad airing in Minnesota. It’s about the complexities of federalism and our modern political system. Just kidding! It’s 30 more seconds of dumbed down crap about taxes. Jim the Election Guy wants voters to know Bachmann’s opponent wants to tax their precious fried food and beer at the Minnesota State Fair. “What’s up with voting to tax my beer?” Yes, why would a government tax anything ever? What a dumb idea. Now go back to watching more challenging television programming, Minnesotans, such as the screensaver for your DVD player. READ MORE »
If there’s one lesson we all must learn, it’s that people who ride around on scooters are people too. Granted, they have lost the basic human ability to walk, and would not have survived the world at any point in history except right about now, but genetically speaking, they are human. According to blog Jesus ethics, we must be nice to these people, for the more advanced scooter models now have Internet access and a WebTV keyboard built in, and thus these people can yell at us via e-mail. READ MORE »
We all know that Orrin Hatch loves Judaism and singing about his favorite holiday, Hanukkah. But apparently he loves all other religions too. And thus he supports the rights of Muslims to build a community center in Manhattan, if they want to, he said in an interview with a Utah Fox affiliate. No biggie. “And there’s a huge, I think, lack of support throughout the country for Islam to build that mosque there, but that should not make a difference if they decide to do it. I’d be the first to stand up for their rights,” he said, Muslinly. READ MORE »
Will DC ever recover from the onslaught of thousands (or was it billions?) of wide-bottomed, America-loving teabaggers that trampled the Mall at GlennBeckPalooza? Beck’s “Take Grandma Out To the Mall Day” has left DC in ruins, RUINS: GW students have been scarred for life, the grass on the Mall is dead thanks to all those motorized scooters, and who knows if there are any Hostess Donuts left in the northwest quadrant. (Not to mention, all the Chinese kids in the sweatshops now have to work overtime to sew more American flags in time for Labor Day.) Hooray! America’s honor has been restored, but will DC ever recover? READ MORE »
Does it even matter that that Alvin Greene rap video obviously had nothing to do with his campaign? No. The line between Alvin Greene and the rest of the universe isn’t so clearly defined. The unmoved is the source of all movement, and for this reason, we have video of Alvin Greene dancing in the studio of a Charlotte radio show. Charlotte? Is Alvin running for Senate from North Carolina too? He is, and he is not. READ MORE »
