By Star Wares

April 1, 2017 (El Cajon )—Congressional members Duncan Hunter and Susan Davis held a press conference today in El Cajon to unveil a new “replicator” technology to be headquartered near Gillespie Field.

“The era of high taxes is over,”  Rep. Hunter announced.  “What government needs, it can replicate. Now that  government only needs to fund payroll for vital services such as the military,  I will be introducing a bill to slash taxes by 50%.”

Rep. Davis explained, “Light years ahead of 3-D printer technology, the Vespuccia Replicator is capable of scanning, processing and instantaneously replicating objects ranging from bridge supports to tanks.”

By Juana  B. Back

April 1, 2017 (San Diego) – In a surprise announcement this morning,  President Donald Trump tweeted that Mexico’s president has agreed to pay for the border wall. The decision came after the winning bid was awarded to a Mexican contracting company, Puerto Abierto, following a four-day bidding process in March.

“We’re going to build a HUGE wall.  The biggest and best wall ever,” Trump promised in a 4 a.m. tweet.  “Mexico has agreed to pay.  Puerto Abierto’s got the contract. They had the lowest bid, a real deal. HASTA LA VISTA, BAD HOMBRES!!!!”

By Bilbo Baggins

April 1, 2017 (San Diego) – The San Diego Regional Task Force on Homelessness has come up with a novel solution to shelter our region’s growing homeless population.

“By  constructing Hobbit-style homes tucked into hillsides along our border region, and connecting them  through a network of repurposed and enhanced tunnels originally built by drug smugglers, we can create a sustainable  yet unobtrusive “Homeless Hobbit Habitat,” said  Ben Diggin, task force spokesman.