The Best Norm Macdonald Jokes
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- Team Coco
- YouTube
1The Moth Joke
A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What's the problem?"
The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there.
The podiatrist says, "Oh yeah?"
And the moth goes, "Yes. At night, sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all. Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good."
And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”
And the moth says, “‘Cause the light was on.”
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2Michael Jackson
Many people are skeptical about marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley. They say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit-at-home type, while Michael Jackson is more of a homosexual pedophile.
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3His Parents
I once walked in on my parents having sex. It was the most embarrassing thirty minutes of my life.
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4Homosexuals
They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.
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5Hitler
You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.
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6Mozart
When Mozart would sit down and compose a new piano concerto, he’d first pause, close his eyes, and say to himself, "I better make this as hard as f*ck to play."
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Losing
And the reason I don't like it is 'cause in the old days, they'd go, "Hey, that old man died." Now, they go, "Hey, he lost his battle." That's no way to end your life, you know? What a loser that guy was. Last thing he did was lose.
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8Hypnotist
I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It's very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them.
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9A Disease
He has the disease of alcoholism. And he came to me and he told me, and I'm the kind of guy that likes to look at the bright side of things. So I told him, I said, "Richie, it's true that you have a disease and everything, but I think you got the best one."
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10Nurse
My wife dresses up like a nurse; then, I dress up like a nurse, also. And then, we don't even have sex, either. We just sit behind this huge, semicircular wooden desk and get annoyed when people buzz us for juice.
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11TV Violence
All kinds of violence on the TV. You're not supposed to watch violence on the TV. Children, they can't watch it 'cause they're afraid maybe the kids will copy something they see on the TV. I can't even get a funny cartoon anymore because some 12-year-old somewhere watched a particularly violent episode of the Road Runner-Coyote show, and the next day, they found him at the bottom of a canyon, two giant springs strapped to his feet.
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12Hit by a Truck
I don’t do much. I’m too lazy. That’s my problem. Hang around my couch, watching the TV. Just too lazy. I realized this the other day, I get hit my a truck tomorrow - a big truck could hit me - paralyze me from the neck down. Wouldn’t affect my lifestyle a bit really.
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13Sports
I don’t care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.
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14Gay Pride Parade
I just got back from New York. You ever been there? There was a big gay parade going on there when I was there, and I never been to one of them, and I like a parade. I always like a parade. So, I go there, and it turns out, it's just a bunch of gay guys.
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15Comedy
Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny.
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16Lie
You ever lie for no reason at all? Just all of sudden, a big lie spills out of your evil head. Like a guy will come up to you, "Hey, did you ever see that movie with Meryl Streep and a horse?" And you go, "Yes." In the back of your head, you're like, "What in the hell am I lying about over here? I stand to gain nothing by this lie."
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17Alcoholic
They're like ''You're an alcoholic.'' I go ''No, I'm not.'' And then apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know?
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- my_southborough
- flickr
- CC-BY-ND 2.0
18Gambling
They call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.
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19Checkers
Chess players think checker players are dumb. But I love playing checkers. Plus, the red ones are tasty.
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20Steampunk
I wouldn't call myself a fan of Steampunk. But I will say, it's the healthiest way to prepare punk.
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21Fancy Things
I don’t want fancy things. I don’t want fancy, smancy things. I don’t even want fancy, smancy, wancy things. What I want is to waste your time.
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22A New Position
Sex couldn't be simpler. I think there's only like five things you can do in the whole f*cking thing. You ever think you invented a sixth? Then later you go, "Ah, in all humility, I guess that was pretty close to number five."
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23Werewolf
This is the amount of time you think about sex: every once in a while. The problem becomes, when you think about it, it's all you can think about. It encompasses your whole brain. You're like a f*cking werewolf or something. Usually you're a civilized human being, but then every couple of days, you're like "Arrrgh." Then you've got to close the blinds.
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24Broadway
I'm not gay, so I don't know much about Broadway musicals.
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25Engagement Rings
Man, them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot. I was looking at 'em. Cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, y'know. Three thousand bucks. Something like that, four thousand bucks. Big number divisible by a thousand, anyways.
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26The Perfect Joke
The perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.
