The Tom Brady roast, otherwise known as the “GROAT” (Greatest Roast Of All Time), aired live on Netflix in May of 2024. Many stars, comedians, and football players, came out to the dais for their chance to roast the man often considered the greatest football player of all time.
Of course, Tom Brady has also made plenty of controversial headlines outside of football. In addition to the mentions of his Super Bowl wins, his on and off retirement, and his dramatic decision to ditch his longtime team (the Patriots) and coach (Bill Belichick) for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, roast jokes revolved around his divorce from supermodel Gisele Bündchen, famous people he's rubbed elbows with (like Donald Trump and Kim Kardashian), his rumored plastic surgery, and his healthy lifestyle.
And as usual, the other roasters themselves were also the butts of many a joke. Kevin Hart's height, Rob Gronkowski's intelligence, and Bill Belichick's loss of employment were consistent hits. While the crowd roared at much of the material, awkward moments were also plentiful, including when Kim Kardashian was booed and when Tom Brady came up to the podium mid-set to chastise Jeff Ross for making a joke about Patriots owner Robert Kraft.
For those who made it through the three hour(!) program, or those who watched the highlights, vote up which roasters you thought totally nailed it; vote down the ones that fell flat and we can determine who “won” the (allegedly) greatest roast of all time.
- 1
Best Joke: “You retired, then you came back, and then you retired again. I mean, I get it, it’s hard to walk away from something that’s not your pregnant girlfriend.”
- Profession: Comedian, Television Personality
- 2
Tony Hinchcliffe
Age: 39Best Joke: "[Sam Jay] is a Black lesbo, which means she doesn’t eat p***y, she “aw hell gnaws” on it.
- Profession: Comedian
- 3
Best Joke: [To Brady on Belichick] “You f*cked him, Tom. You f*cked him good… You know who else f*cked their coach? Gisele. She f*cked that karate man…. How did you not see this coming? Eight karate classes a day, and she’s still a white belt?”
- Profession: Comedian, Television producer, Film Producer, Screenwriter, Actor
- 4
Best Joke: “When we played together, Tom, you used to scream, ‘Laser focus! Laser focus!’ Now that’s what he screams at his plastic surgeon. Who’s laughing now Tom? Not you, because your face can’t move and you don’t have a sense of humor."
- Profession: American football player
- 5
Andrew Schulz
Age: 40Best Joke: “Gronkowski, Edelman, Welker - that’s not a receiving core that’s a law firm. And with that divorce coming up you’re gonna f*cking need ‘em. Oh, that’s why Dana’s here! So you can learn how to f*ck a Brazilian out of half their purse.”
- Profession: Comedian, Podcaster
- 6
Best Joke: “People have said Tom and I butted heads a lot. And in a way that was true. But it was hard to butt heads with Tom, because he was so far up Alex Guerrero’s a**.”
- Profession: American Football coach, American football player
- 7
Best Joke: “There were rumors that Coach Belichick was going to be here tonight. Turns out he has some time on his hands. Hey look, at least when I got fired, somebody else wanted me.”
- Profession: American football player
- 8
Best Joke: “Peyton, thank you so much for coming out to LA to do this. I know sometimes you live in Denver, and sometimes you live in Louisiana, but you’ll always live in my shadow.”
- Profession: American football player
- 9
Best Joke: “That scrawny rookie famously walked into Robert Kraft’s office and said ‘I’m the best decision your organization has ever made. Would you like a massage?'”*
*If best here is defined as getting under the roastee's skin, as this joke prompted Brady to shut Ross down on further Kraft jokes.
- Profession: Comedian, Television producer, Film Producer, Screenwriter, Actor
- 10
Sam Jay
Age: 42Best Joke: [To Drew Bledsoe] “Your Super Bowl ring is just like my strap on. Just because you wear it doesn’t make it real.”
- Profession: Comedian, Writer
- 11
Best Joke: “My kids now excuse themselves to the bathroom by saying I have to go take a Brady.”
- Profession: American football player
- 12
Best Joke: “Everyone kissed Tom’s a**, I’ll admit, even I did. But Julian, you’re the only one who used tongue.”
- Profession: American football player
- 13
Best Joke: “Tom you played for the Patriots for so long that I almost started to think you were from Boston. But then I saw you run, and I was like, ‘No, he’s from San Francisco.’”
- Profession: Businessperson, Television producer, Promoter
- 14
““Like many family reunions, there’s some people I’m desperately trying to avoid. Coach Belichick, good to see you. You really look debonair in sleeves.”
- Profession: Businessperson, Entrepreneur
- 15
Best Joke: “Tom, Nate Ebner [has a ring]. Nate Ebner. Who the f*ck is Nate Ebner?”
- Profession: American football player
- 16
Best Joke: “I wasn’t going to come tonight, but since I'm not here as Tom's date, there's still a good chance I might.”
- Profession: TV Personality, Fashion designer, Businessperson, Television producer, Model
- 17
Best Joke: [To Brady] “A person could get lost in those eyes. And right now, I am that person.”
- Profession: Comedian, Television producer, Film Producer, Screenwriter, Actor
- 18
Best Joke: “Tom Brady is 100% a psychopath. He’s from Northern California like the Zodiac Killer. He choked a couple times in Boston like the Boston Strangler. And he chewed up and spat out the competition, just like Dahmer.”
- Profession: Comedian
- 19
Best Joke: “This is pretty f*cking ballsy of you. Is life too f*cking good? You’re like, ‘You know what, I want somebody to kick my a** for three hours.’ This settles it, you won’t see me volunteering for the Ben Affleck Roast. Or as I like to call it, Thursday.”
- Profession: Actor, Film Director, Film Producer, Screenwriter
