A shot at jail by strangling Tila Tequila

We're not quite sure who Tila Tequila is and why she does what she does, but Shawne Merriman probably shouldn't be banging her (she probably has an entire village of insects down there, bro) and he probably shouldn't have tried to strangle her despite her being fucking obnoxious.

She's not even really hot. She weighs like 89 pounds, so there could be advantages to that. She's the type you could probably bang upside down against a palm tree while a family of four watched. But, wait, what? WHO THE FUCK IS TILA TEQUILA? It shows she had a lot of friends on MySpace. We have like 140 friends on Twitter. And we want nothing to do with Merriman and his assault-hawk.

Years later, Ryan Leaf is still making the San Diego Chargers look stupid

If being one of the most notorious NFL busts wasn't enough, Ryan Leaf has ventured into the underbelly of society that involves drugs and crime and sleeveless t-shirts.

Former NFL quarterback Ryan Leaf has been indicted by a Randall County grand jury on drug and burglary charges.

The indictment was handed up Wednesday in Canyon. It charged the 33-year-old former San Diego Chargers quarterback and former West Texas A&M football and golf coach with one count of burglary to a habitation, seven counts of obtaining a controlled substance by fraud and delivery of a simulated controlled substance.

Canyon police Lt. Dale Davis said Leaf is suspected of breaking into a Canyon apartment on Oct. 30 and stealing the painkiller Hydrocodone, which had been prescribed to an injured football player.

He was a golf coach?

Sad thing, Leaf is only 33. He could still have a good four years of interceptions, bad reads and losing in the NFL if he, ya know, didn't have a history of interceptions, bad reads and losing.

[ESPN]

Man photographs high-school drill team

This story out of Lacey, Wash. is similar to many others: older man photographs high-school girls at a sporting event, parents get upset, voyeurism investigation ensues.

The story itself is nothing special but we thought this quote was rather worthwhile.

They say then, in a last ditch effort to escape, the suspect surprisingly confessed.

“He took the camera off his neck, held his hands up in the air and said ‘I admit it. I’m a pervert and I came here to take pictures of your daughters,’” said Johanson.

Admitting you have a problem is the first step.

Jamal Anderson probably had a lot of fun before he got busted. But shit, he was probably having a sniffing good time. A night of HIGHS and lows.

Jamal Anderson did some drugs. Authorities found out. He got thrown in the slammer. He might be Bubba's bitch. That's unclear at this time.

Remember the Dirty Bird? Chris Chandler led a team to the Super Bowl?! What the fuck.

Super Bowl rings recovered

It's a true Super Bowl Week miracle. The New York Giants Super Bowl rings were lost, and now they are found. Everyone rejoice!

LYNN, Mass. (AP)—Authorities say they have found 27 New York Giants Super Bowl rings, valued at more than $170,000, stolen last June from a Massachusetts jewelry manufacturer. The Essex District Attorney’s office said investigators found the rings Tuesday in a bank safe deposit box in Saugus.

Really, really great news. Don't know if the world would have been able to go on. But the timeliness is a blessing. Just in time for this year's big game! People will be able to breath a little easier Sunday.

As for the culprits, well, they should probably hang, right? Or be tarred and feathered? If the Grinch was behind this...

Cedric Benson to the Bengals...like he'd end up anywhere else

Certain things are just meant to go together: peanut butter and jelly, Kornheiser and Wilbon, vodka and tonic, vodka and cranberry, vodka and Red Bull, vodka and ice, vodka and a paper cup, vodka and rum (try it!).

Then there's Cedric Benson and the Cincinnati Bengals. A match made in Leavenworth.

The Bengals, whose players have had a series of legal problems over the last few years, which does not include Chris Henry who is having a legal problem right now and will have another, separate incident in about five minutes, seem like an odd team to take a flier on Benson, who has had his own run-ins with the law.

Seems funny, too, that Bengals president Mike Brown came out with this statement when they released Chris Henry in April:

"Chris Henry has forfeited his opportunity to pursue a career with the Bengals. His conduct can no longer be tolerated."

But another player's misconduct?

Hey, when you need a running back...

Milloy's gonna need a good lawyer

Hey-o! We're here all week, folks. Tip your waitstaff.

[Falcons' Milloy faces charges on DUI, speeding]

Pacman Jones to now be called 'Zelda'

Adam Pacman Jones wants to drop the nickname "Pacman" because nothing says assault, strip club shooting and "make it rain" like a yellow video game character that eats dots.

But he's gotta distance himself from a troubled past...where he was referred to as a yellow video game character that eats dots.

"There's really just a lot of negativity behind it," Jones said. "It's just time for a change, man. I'm doing everything to make sure that I'm all right as a person, mentally and emotionally."

Pacman eats dots. Fucking great game.

Murray State quarterback is dumb, $20 richer

Murray State quarterback Jeff Ehrhardt will see your prank and raise it.

Murray State quarterback Jeff Ehrhardt was charged with pushing a campus police officer and taking his ticket book. The athletic director called this "a prank gone bad."

Ehrhardt, a 20-year-old sophomore, was arrested Wednesday and charged with second-degree robbery. He surrendered to the campus public safety office and returned the ticket book after a witness identified him.

The charge carries a potential prison term of up to 10 years.

According to the police report, Ehrhardt said he was bet $20 he wouldn't take such action against the officer.

Pranks have changed a lot since we've been in college. We used to bet kids they couldn't run through the quad naked singing Barry Manilow or try to trick a Washington State student into thinking they were smart.

Now it's robbing cops at gunpoint dressed up as ex-presidents.

What? He just took his ticket book? And it was a campus cop? Up to 10 years in the clink? It's a good thing he's a superstar quarterback at a D-1 powerhouse.

Oh. Right.

Wednesday sure sucked for Indiana

Eesh. Talk about a lousy day.

Wednesday did not treat the Indiana Hoosiers well, as anything short of the football stadium burning down pretty much happened to the IU athletic department.

First, Hoosiers coach Kelvin Sampson was accused of committing five "major" rules violations, which could cost him his job as soon as Friday.

Also, a report was published about three IU football players getting arrested over the weekend.

Police arrested Indiana wide receiver James Bailey and running back Demetrius McCray on misdemeanor disorderly conduct charges after complaints of loud music from their apartment.

A teammate, freshman linebacker Darius Johnson, also was arrested over the weekend on misdemeanor charges after police said he was found passed out in a residence hall stairwell and later struggled with medics inside an ambulance.

Not hard-hitting stuff, but still bad publicity.

Wednesday's final fuck-you came when Wisconsin's Brian Butch banked a three-pointer with 4.5 seconds left to give the Badgers a 68-66 win and put a knife in the Hoosiers' back.

If athletic director Rick Greenspan polished off an entire bottle of Chivas Regal last night, who'd blame him?

Glen Rice beat the shit out of monster in wife's closet

This is a few days old and monsters don't actually exist, but former NBAer Glen Rice found himself in some legal trouble after he kicked the hell out of a man (likely nude) hiding in his estranged wife's closet.

Former Miami Heat star Glen Rice was arrested Friday on a felony battery charge after police say he beat a man he found hiding in his estranged wife's closet.

Rice went to the home of estranged wife Christina Rice and punched Alberto Perez several times, police said. Perez fled the home and called police. He received a cut to his forehead that needed nine stitches, police said.

Just like a scene out of The Last Boy Scout, an awesome '90s shoot-'em-up with Damon Wayans as a washed up, coked-up former football star, Bruce Willis as a tired, disgruntled detective and Halle Berry as a stripper. (You get to see her cans, sorta. NSFW video action here!)

Anyway, Bruce Willis goes into his estranged (perhaps divorced?) wife's house, talks to her, gets all detective-y, sees the toilet seat up in the bathroom, opens the closet, sees his best friend (or something like that) naked, knocks him around, and then said best friend gets blown up in a car by the bad guys.

The moral of the story? The guy who got his ass kicked by Glen Rice is going to get blown up by the bad guys from The Last Boy Scout.

Oh, and Rice's wife is a total MILF. Why Glen ever let her become estranged boggles the mind. We'll happily get our ass kicked by him to hump with her.

Andy Reid can't control his kids

Just when you thought the roads were safe in the middle of the afternoon comes this disturbing tidbit:

Britt Reid, 22, of Villanova, failed a sobriety test in a store parking lot around 3:45 p.m. and was given a blood test, Assistant Police Chief Joseph Lawrence of Plymouth Township said.

Britt (ugh, girl's name?) also struck a shopping cart. Sick. Fuck. Day-drinking has been a hobby of ours for the last, oh, 23 years. It's pretty fun to get toe-up and then check your watch and realize your hangover's starting at 4 p.m. But you can't drive while day-drinking. Self control, man.

Andy Reid's kids in trouble with the law sounds familiar, no?

Reid is free on bail pending sentencing in the Jan. 30 road-rage case, in which police said he brandished a handgun at another driver. He pleaded guilty last week to gun and drug charges and faces a possible six to 14 months in jail.

Reid's 24-year-old brother, Garrett, faces at least three days in jail after pleading guilty last month to drug and traffic offenses. Garrett Reid admitted to using heroin the day he ran a red light in Plymouth Township and hit another car.

Andy Reid. Parent of the Year.

Duke loses lacrosse championship

How will the Blue Devils get over the loss?



Oh. Yeah.

Nate Newton would like to wish you a happy 4/20

You remember this, don't you? Don't you?

Vikes' Griffin arrested; another takedown for the Fashion Police

You always hear about the "Fashion Police." We haven't met them ourselves, but are told they lack personality and won't take bribe.

Seems though that Minnesota Vikings cornerback Cedric Griffin got a first-hand experience with fashion faux pas Sunday as he was arrested for not pulling up his pants. Yeah.

Two witnesses told KSTP-TV that the Vikings cornerback was thrown out of the Spin nightclub for not pulling up his pants. The club has a dress code requiring that pants not sag below the waist.

Whoa! Whoa! Hold up...he was sagging?! You can hang a motherfucker for that in Texas. Griffin got lucky in this case. Still, this is just another example of an athlete getting off with a slap on the wrist for a major offense.

We once wore brown shoes with black pants. After spending years in the clink, well, let's just say we'll never walk the same again...

Now they're just out to get Chris Henry

By now you've surely heard that -- gasp! -- Chris Henry is in more legal trouble. But this time, it's not pre-meditated murder, armed robbery or grand larceny. Rather, it's minor traffic violations.

Cincinnati Bengals receiver Chris Henry, already facing possible NFL punishment for problems with the law, has been cited by Cincinnati police on three traffic charges including driving with a suspended license. Henry, 23, also was ticketed for an alleged improper turn and seat belt violation.

Oh geez. An alleged improper turn. Call in fucking S.W.A.T.

Driving on a suspended license probably was enough to make Henry's PR people drink a bit harder than usual, and MJD, always good for a laugh, has a nice take over at The 'House.

Still. Not wearing a seat belt?! A bit extreme, no? Guess that's what happens when you have the reputation of a felon.

These days Michael Jackson could give a 10-year-old boy a high five and the parents would still call for the motherfucking guillotine. Same deal with Henry. Once you've messed up, people will remember.

So that's what happens when cops seize tickets

Get right the fuck outta town.

From the St. Louis Post-Dispatch:

About 10 city police officers are being investigated by internal affairs for allegedly using World Series tickets that had been seized from scalpers, Chief Joe Mokwa confirmed Sunday.

Really. Used them?! Monsters.

We weren't at the scene of the crime, but we had a feeling this is how things played out once the dirty cops confiscated the tickets:

Officer A: Hey guys, what should we do with these tickets?
Officer B: Turn them in as evidence, of course.
Officer C: Pussy.
Officer B: You have a better idea, C?
Officer C: Yeah, we sell them.
Officer A: And do what with the money?
Officer B: Buy our wives something nice?
Officer C: B, throw yourself off a fucking bridge.
Officer A: We could buy some nice stuff -- these tickets are worth a lot.
Officer C: My vote is for hookers. Or blow.
Officer A: I second that.
Officer B: I know how you guys like your drugs and women, but what if we give the tickets to our friends and family and all go the game?
Officer C: All those things I said, B...yeah, forget it. Great idea!

Don't know if the officers will do time in a minimum-security resort for this, but regardless the punishment, it'll be a small price to pay for seeing a World Series game. And for your home team winning it.

Michael Vick is hiding his weed in a freakin' water bottle

Sometimes stories are just too inherently funny to try to spice up. This one, involving everybody's favorite herpes-spreading quarterback Michael Vick, would fall in to that category.

Michael Vick reluctantly surrendered a water bottle to security at Miami International Airport that contained a residue "closely associated with marijuana," police said Wednesday.

The Atlanta Falcons' quarterback entered a concourse Wednesday morning at the airport with the 20-ounce bottle. He eventually handed it over and boarded his flight to Atlanta. But his initial reluctance to turn over the bottle aroused suspicion among airport security screeners, a police report said.

The bottle was found to have a hidden compartment that contained "a small amount of dark particulate and a pungent aroma closely associated with marijuana," the report said. The compartment was hidden by the bottle's label so that it appeared to be a full bottle of water when held upright, police said.

Really, not much to add to that. Michael Vick was trying to smuggle weed in a fucking water bottle! That's just awesome! Wonder what Vick had in his carry-on bag. Four-foot bong? Blowup doll? Venomous snakes?

Vick, always good for a laugh, is just furthering his reputation as some one with a bad reputation. It's ambitious to try to sneak some drugs on a plane; we'll give him that. But in a water bottle? Make sure it's at least three ounces. C'mon Mike, aren't you up to date with the new TSA rules?