Why I Hate Inanimate Objects Almost as Much as Your Dog and Your Grandchild

Before you write a story about a treehouse, from its beginnings as lumber through its nailing-together (ouch!) to its old age, after it has proudly watched its boy grow up,

Before you write a story about a shawl and the old woman it keeps warm through thick and thin,

Before you write a story about a leaf that's afraid to fall from the tree,

Before you write a story about a rock and all the changes it witnesses from its ditch or hill or goddamned outhouse,

ASK YOURSELF WHY ANYONE WOULD GIVE A FLYING SHIT ABOUT A MAIN CHARACTER THAT CAN'T DO ANYTHING.

Ahem.

When we are writers and have a story in our heads, and begin thinking about how to tell said story, and we ask ourselves "whose story is this?" we look for the character who is most changed by the ACTION of the story, who has the most at stake in the ACTION, or whose ACTIONS have the most impact on the plot.

When we are readers and are looking for a story that will fascinate and entertain us, we are looking for a story in which SOMETHING HAPPENS and in which the main character is someone who can DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

For fuck's sake.

The Interminable Syllables of Slush

Hello,
There’s a new book for kids who stutter that is really making some noise. The book is titled [redacted], and it’s about a little squirrel who stutters and how his disability affects his life and those around him. The reviews and endorsements for this book are fantastic, and rightfully so. I would highly recommend it to your readers. For parents who have children that stutter, this book is a must have. You can read about it on the home page of The National Stuttering Association, and Speechpathology.com. Both links are listed below. The reviews can be found at the end of the article on The National Stuttering Association link.
Thank you and best wishes.

Dear Reader,

No thank you.

Sincerely,
EA

Lost in the Wilderness of Slush

Dear Editor,
I am looking for an investor/publisher who will pay me for a genuine survivors wilderness story. My intentions are to live in the wilderness alone. Write daily logs of my activities, discovery's, and challenges. Send the logs directly to the investor/publisher as the owner to the rights of all logs, blogs, and face book activities. I propose to stay in the wilderness for a period of one year. The place of wilderness can be the investors/publishers choice or mine, However the Wilderness venture will be a true wilderness experience, nothing less than survivor in the rough. Can you lead me to someone with the interest for this adventure or give the interested party my email for communication purposes. What is the feasibility of this operation for success. My email is [redacted]. My surface profile can be found at [redacted]. Please pass this on.

Dear Reader,

No thank you.

Sincerely,
EA

Let the Frivolity Commence! (And Then Stop. Stop That, I Mean It.)

I just had a question regarding children's books. Do they have to have a deep, moral point; or can they just be somewhat frivilous?

On the surface, this seems like a softball question, doesn't it? Of course there are frivolous children's books. Is there a deep, moral point in I Ain't Gonna Paint No More or When a Monster is Born or Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus? Don't be silly.

However: Before we shake our heads and smile and talk about the (indisputable, overwhelming) truth that children love frivolous; they love nonsense; they love play . . .

Let's make sure we're also talking about what sells.

Yeah, there's the catch. Frivolous all by itself doesn't sell. I see piles of manuscripts in slush that clearly don't think they need to do anything for the reader outside of appealing to his/her imagination, because kids love frivolous/nonsense/play. Know what the problem with that is?

Adults have small, obedient wallets that live in their bags and come out whenever the adult wants. Children have large, judgmental wallets shaped like parents.

I Ain't Gonna Paint No More uses humor, a narrative structure that fosters guessing, body parts, and an really easy to read, energetic rhythm.
When a Monster is Born uses humor, a narrative structure that fosters guessing, and cause and effect (ok, and monsters).
Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus uses humor, audience participation, and turns a familiar situation (whining) around on the child.

None of these books has a deep, moral lesson at heart, but each one is working hard to offer the reader an entertaining, layered experience.

That's what you can sell-- layers of things people want. Not just one layer, because you're in competition with piles of books with many layers-- that do many jobs. And not layers of things that people aren't so excited about, because books aren't free.

Even if one day they are free, they'll still cost people the time it takes to read them, and nobody wants to waste their time on something that is only frivolous.

A Special Missive from the Mailbag

I have no idea why this letter was sent to me at my Editorial Anonymous account. But enjoy!

My name is [name redacted]. I have been writing for over fifteen years. I have 16 published books. A majority of them are non-fiction. My books have done well, but I think they could do even better if I had a publicist helping me get my books and work into the right hands.

I am almost finished with a fiction book that I am writing. I believe this book will do extremely well if it is marketed correctly and given to the right people. Enclosed is my bio, and a couple of sample chapters from my soon to be fiction novel [title redacted] is suspense and mystery that will make the reader want to read on after each page is finished.

This book also was the capabilities to become a 5-star movie. The potentials are endless. I have a lot to offer, but what I am lacking is a good publicist that can help me. I never had a publicist before and I think this is my problem.
Author [name redacted]:
[photo of the author from her prom night redacted]
[yes, seriously.]

BOOKS PUBLISHED:
1. The Complete Herbal Guide: A Natural Approach to Healing the Body
2. Natural Cures For Common Conditions
3. Epilepsy You're Not Alone
4. Eternal Love: Romantic Poetry Straight from the Heart
5. My Mommy Has Epilepsy (Children's Book)
6. My Daddy Has Epilepsy (Children’s Book)
7. Keep the Faith: To Live and Be Heard from the Heavens Above (poetry book)
8. Live, Learn, and Be Happy with Epilepsy
9. Epilepsy and Pregnancy: What Every Woman Should Know
10. Faith, Courage, Wisdom, Strength and Hope
11. How to Be Wealthy Selling Informational Products on the Internet
12. How to Become Wealthy in Real Estate
13. How to Become Wealthy Selling Ebooks
14. Life’s Missing Instruction Manual: Beyond Words
15. How To Become Wealthy Selling Products on The Internet
16. Breast Cancer: Questions, Answers & Self-Help Techniques
17. How Thinking Positive Can Make You Successful: Master The Power Of Positive Thinking

Mailbox Grab Bag

What's the sloppiest dummy book you've ever seen?

I got a dummy about magical spaghetti once that had been painted in tomato sauce.

I’ve been told that student publications count but are they worth mentioning in query letters? What about articles you wrote as an intern?

If any of these publications were in magazines / newspapers / etc that people in publishing might reasonably read, then yes, include them. Otherwise, I don't care.

In my limited research I’ve so far discovered that having a book published seems to be about (other than descent writing) timing, submitting a piece when the publisher is looking for that format, genre etc. Is it acceptable to resubmit a manuscript to the same publisher and if so how often? Yearly? Or is no a no forever?

Publishers will tell you a no is a no forever, but between you and me, yearly is fine. Most publishers get so many submissions that the chances of your manuscript being read by the same person next year are pretty small. Staff changes; times change; tastes change; and most importantly, your writing gets better. Right?

When seeking an agent, to whom do you address a query if the company doesn’t specify? For example, I recently queried a literary agency seeking representation for my children’s picture book. I thought I did all my research. I read all the information on their website, researched and read books they’d represented and had published and followed their query guidelines to the letter. However there are more than a few agents at this agency and they didn’t specify to address a specific agent… so I did the not so professional opener of “Dear Sir or Madame” because I was unsure of what to do. A few days later I happened upon an online interview with the lead agent. To my horror, in the interview they stated that they throw away any query or submission that starts “Dear Sir” because it shows the author didn’t do their due research. I’m now hoping the lead agent isn’t the one to review my query. What should I have done?

First of all, subscribe to Publisher's Lunch. Daily reporting on the deals made by agents in the book world.

Secondly, Google. Go on, do some research.

I know many agencies (and publishers, for that matter) make it difficult to submit to them. Here's the industry secret: They're doing it on purpose. And not because they're elitist jerks.

It's because there is a heaving ocean of rank newbies who all want to submit their work to every agent and every publishing house.

Agents and publishing houses cannot deal with that kind of influx. If we did, all we'd ever do is deal with slush when in reality we have big, complicated jobs to do.

Some of those newbies will quit out of frustration. That's good, because publishing is not an endeavor for the faint of heart or lightly-endowed of stubbornness.

Some of those newbies will be put off long enough for them to educate themselves further in the book business. That's good, because publishing is not for the mildy-interested or the ignorant.

If you want to be in the club, you have to be serious about books and writing: seriously interested, and seriously committed. Welcome to the club!

You Can Use Your Imagination

Today I'd like to talk about a previously undiscussed section of slush: let's call it the "You Can Use Your Imagination" pile.

This pile can be loosely divided into three categories:
1. Isn't my child imaginative?
2. Wouldn't you like to use your imagination?
3. Wouldn't you like to use your imagination while you're asleep (hint, hint)?

All three of these are maddening enough to get your submission back partially chewed by the editor who read it. But let's start with #3, so I can work my way up to foaming at the mouth.


Wouldn't You Like to Use Your Imagination While You're Asleep (hint, hint)?

Now, pretty much every adult understands the desperation that drives people to try nearly anything to get a child to go to sleep. I understand.

That said, nobody is going to pay good money for your plotless, pointless flight of fancy. Dream sequences don't sell. You have my full invitation to go ahead and tell long, convoluted, nonsensical stories (in which nothing happens) to your children to bore them to sleep. But when you start thinking that people are going to pay you for your long, convoluted, nonsensical stories, you have my full invitation to pull your head out of your butt.

Isn't My Child Imaginative?

Isn't it obnoxious the way other parents think their children are so special when it's obvious that your child is the one who is a glowing paragon of childhood precocity and delight?

Yeah. In other news for the reality-challenged: you can only see unicorns if you believe in them; yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus; and if you clap three times and wish on a star, people will pay you for your child's long, convoluted, nonsensical stories.

Wouldn't You Like to Use Your Imagination?

This is the one that irritates me the most. Why, you ask? I suppose the answer is that quite a large amount of the slush is from people who are writing at children rather than to them, and this is perhaps the most perfect example of that.

Writing a story meant to inform children that they can use their imaginations is like writing a story to inform children they can use their hands. (Wait, these things on the ends of my arms are for something? Wow!) ...Are you kidding me?

Children use their imaginations all the time, and need no provocation whatsoever. Which brings me to a perennial point that cannot be made frequently enough: If you don't remember what it's like to be a child, you don't get to write for them.

You, dumbasses: Have you only just realized that you have an imagination? And now you feel all artsy and free and want to inflict it on defenseless children?
(a) You're really rediscovering your imagination, and
(b) That magical ringing in your ears is the rust falling off.

Look, this is not to deride the lovely mid-life crises of certain people which lead them to visit craft fairs and buy ugly jewelry or take classes in "women's intuition". Just, please, stop cooping yourself up at home where there's the unhealthy temptation to "write" something.

Don't Spam Editors (part 5!)

NBA Star Ricky Pierce Bounces Into Children's Books With Release of First Title
Sugar Land, TX, Feb 22, 2008 -
Retired NBA star Ricky Pierce made a name for himself as one of professional basketball's most reliable shooters. Now, Pierce, who was named the NBA's Sixth Man of the Year in 1987 and 1990 and an All-Star in 1990, has entered a different kind of court: the world of children's books.
Pierce's first entry, the beautiful full-color "Bouncing Billy: A Learning Adventure," combines Pierce's love for sports, children and reading and adds an important message of acceptance. This is a charming story of a friendly basketball who learns a valuable lesson with the help of some friends. All the pieces of playground equipment are excited for the end of the rainy season, except Bouncing Billy, a basketball with some unique-but unusual-spots on his side. He's worried his different appearance will make him a benchwarmer when the recess bell rings.
His pals in the equipment locker, however, are quick to point out that differences are what make each of them specially suited to what they do, whether it's facilitating a game of jump rope or football. That's when Bouncing Billy discovers his "spots" are actually key finger-position markings, giving young basketball players a leg-up on shooting. As sounds of "swoosh!" ring out again and again over the playground, Bouncing Billy finds he's a slam-dunk just the way he is.
"Bouncing Billy: A Learning Adventure" marks a whole new ballgame for the Rice University star, who also played for the Detroit Pistons, Milwaukee Bucks and Seattle SuperSonics. But it continues an effort to positively impact the lives of youngsters first began during his pro years, when Pierce would often read to grade-school age youth at schools and hospitals. Having three children of his own, he says, only reinforced the importance of reading to kids, spurring him on to his latest endeavor. "Books are essential learning tools for emerging readers, and as a child I truly had limited access to books in the home," says Pierce. With artwork by renowned children's book illustrator Bobbi Switzer, "Bouncing Billy" boasts a vibrant, colorful and fun cast of characters, with each one-from the grizzled Fred the football to the bookish tennis ball called Ted-imbued with a unique personality. Children are sure to connect with the recognizable playground setting and its lovable inhabitants as they learn an important life lesson while improving their reading skills.
About the book:
Bouncing Billy by Ricky Pierce
ISBN: 978-1432716967
Publisher: Outskirts Press
Date of publish: Feb 2008
Pages: 24
S.R.P.: $10.95
About the author:
Ricky Pierce retired from the National Basketball Association in 1998, where he scored a total of 14,467 points. He boasts a shooting record of 49.3 percent from the floor and 88.5 percent from the foul line during his 16-year NBA career. Pierce was the NBA's Sixth Man of the Year in 1987 and 1990 and an All-Star in 1990. He is the creator and inventor of the AccUShot22 Basketball, which aids children and adults in ball-handling shooting skills. The Bouncing Billy Active Play Kit, for ages three to six, followed. "Bouncing Billy: A Learning Adventure" is the first in a series of planned children's books. Pierce lives in Texas with his wife, Joyce, formerly of the multi-Grammy award-winning group, The Fifth Dimension, along with their three children, Christian, Rachel, and Aron.

Yes, Billy: Everyone Is Different. No two manuscripts are not on fire.

Don't Spam Editors (part 4!)

Dan and Derrick's Prayer to the Troops
Chicago, Mar 4, 2008 -
In Dan and Derrick's Prayer to the Troops author Monalisa Okhilua develops a plot that makes children aware of the sacrifices our soldiers and their families make for all of us.
The greatest gift you can ever give to children is the ability to read a powerful book that will inspire them. With what is going on in our world today, we do not want to wait and see how it would affect our children. Their mind set should be protected, every word in this book will empower our children positively, and the mystery in these stories is magically fantastic.
The children of military parents only ask two questions, where is my mom or dad? and when is he/she coming home? The answer is in this story book. The puzzle has been solved. Yes, its okay to cry, its okay to miss someone we love so dearly, its even better to be in control and understand.
It's good to be sensitive in matters like these, there are so many questions our children would like to ask." states Okhilua. "Expect to smile, laugh, cry and become uplifted. This is for the love of our troops."
About the book:
Dan and Derrick's Prayer to the Troops by Monalisa Okhilua
ISBN: 978-1432707538
Publisher: Outskirts Press
Date of publish: Oct 2007
Pages: 36
S.R.P.: $16.95
About the author: Monalisa Okhilua is an activity aide, wielding the written craft to enrapture the mind much like an artist wields a brush. She is a mother of two boys, Dan and Derrick, and a loving wife, she loves to cook, she really loves to write, that is her biggest passion, she loves to reach people with her story, to tell them, it's okay. the task. Dan and Derrick's Prayer to the Troops is the first in a series of recent pursuits, with work progressing quickly on the follow-up.

Don't Spam Editors (part 3!)

New Children's Book - The Squirrel, the Worm and the Nut Trees
Memphis, TN, Mar 5, 2008 -
The Squirrel, the Worm and the Nut Trees is a gorgeously illustrated new children's picture book that depicts how one furry family and their bushy-tailed neighbors pull together during extreme hardship to survive a threat to their survival, growing even stronger under the pressure.
Jimmy Powell's full-color book, features illustrations by renowned artist Bobbi Switzer. The book tells the tale of the adorable Mr. Squirrel, whose annual trip to stockpile nuts takes an unexpected turn when he discovers they've been ruined-turned rotten due to a silk-spinning worm who derives a cruel kind of pleasure from enveloping the trees in his web. Faced with a dangerously low food harvest, Mr. Squirrel and his family brainstorm to figure out how to survive the winter and ensure they're not caught up in the same trap next year. Against the odds, they hatch a simple yet ingenious plot-but can they avoid the watchful eyes of the worms while they carry it out?
A story with a heartwarming message of teamwork conquering adversity, The Squirrel, the Worm and the Nut Trees teaches children the value of thinking things through and working together. At the same time, it's also a kind of fable, in the great tradition of Aesop, on the importance of preparing for the future. Children will benefit from seeing how one group of determined squirrels wasn't about to be caught ill equipped come next winter.
Readers of all ages will also love pouring over a richly imagined forest environment filled with the flora and fauna of the woods-not to mention the vividly depicted characters of Mr. Squirrel and Mr. Worm.
About the book:
The Squirrel, the Worm and the Nut Trees by Jimmy Powell
ISBN: 978-1432713263
Publisher: Outskirts Press
Date of publish: Dec 29, 2007
Pages: 48
S.R.P.: $15.95
About the author: Memphis resident Jimmy Powell is a published poet who works as an aircraft technician for FedEx. In addition to writing-he has recently completed an autobiography-Powell, a married father of three, enjoys spending time with his family and on various capacities as a volunteer.

I think I prefer the other squirrel.

Don't Spam Editors (part 2!)

Our current project:
Finding a publisher for a Children’s Book about Gracie the Grasshopper and her friends. The story has 25 illustrations and is about Gracie and her best friend Ginger the Giraffe. It’s a Picture book for pre-school – Grade 2.
If you’re a publisher that handles children’s books please contact us.
We also sell our designs and artwork for:
Greetings Cards
Decorative Accessories
Kitchen Accessories and Products
Stationary
Limited Edition Serigraphs

Seriously? Even aside from the creative capitalization and the "kitchen accessories", this is hilarious.

The Slush Gets Me Again

Have you written and submitted a vignette? No, don't play innocent. I see you there, whistling and pretending you didn't hear the question.

Vignettes are often some of the nicest writing, and while I realize you don't mean them to be, they're a dirty trick to play on editors.

Deep in the fens of slush, as we beat at the underbrush of bad punctuation and step gingerly (ew!) around the festering piles of crap, not so infrequently we catch sight of something. Wait, is it...! Something publishable? Something sleek and lovely and well-groomed? Yes! It's... No. It's a vignette.

This is like looking for the literary equivalent of an downy white swan or noble 10-prong buck, and finding a fricking plastic flamingo instead. In the realms of getting- the- rug- pulled- out- from- under- you, you can almost hear the "Yoink!"

Lookit. I don't care how charming and beautiful your two scenes / beloved memory / bonding moment is, it is not a story. Nothing happens. No, I take that back. (Jimmy and his dad caught a fish!) Nothing happens that anyone but you gives a shit about. There's no conflict.

These are also sometimes called "mood pieces", and their aim is to convey a single emotion or atmosphere. Yes, ok, Goodnight Moon has no conflict. But I'm not talking about bedtime books.

If some of your favorite picture books are No David, Where the Wild Things Are, and Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus, consider that those books are practically conflict from one end to the other. People love conflict! Think about it. You're reading this blog, aren't you?

Oh, Wook at the Dawling Adults! Dey Think Dey're Writing for Children!

Beloved Uncle Al blogs about Hollywood writers turning to writing for children, you know, when they don't have anything better to do.

I especially liked point 5:

5.) Carefully read and consider the tone of the following quotes:
a.) "I'm a father of five and often lament the lack of really creative, funny children’s books.”
b.) “I’m finding that in good children’s books, the text isn’t just describing the picture but the two are working together to advance the storytelling.”
c.) “And, sometimes, there’s also a chance to make a political point.”

But I disagree that these three statements all say the same thing about the speaker. I would have interpreted them as meaning:
a.) I don't know a thing about the market!
b.) I don't know a thing about building picture books!
c.) I don't know a thing about children!

I'd like to point out to any Hollywood scriptwriters out there that having children does not mean that you understand them. It means you live with them. Any child could tell you this—they know that simply living with adults does not necessarily put you anywhere close to understanding how their wee little minds work. And I'll tell you, the wee little minds of some adults flummox me sometimes.

Don't Spam Editors

The following is not a query; it is not a submission. And whatever the author thinks, it is not a marketing plan.
It is an email I received at my editorialanonymous account. And that makes it fair game for the blog. Let's dissect and discuss.

Email subject:
New children's book: Astro Socks - THE educational tool of the year‏
From: Leigh Le Creux
To: Editorial Anonymous

Don't make this claim if you have nothing to back it up. "Educational tool of the year"? According to what authority?

Begin message:
The Inspirational Book of the Year for Kids : Astro Socks

Wait, now it's the educational tool of the year and the inspirational book of the year? My bullshit meter is going crazy.
I know most of you wouldn't do this. But there is a wider lesson. It's easy for authors (who have spent years thinking about a book) to feel it has enormous range in terms of audience and use. Anyone working on marketing, however, has to focus on the audience and use that regular people (who have spent less than a minute thinking about the book) can be convinced of. Trying to convince people that you've got a book that does everything makes you sound like a snake-oil peddler.

Oviedo, FL, Feb 15, 2008 - If J.K. Rowling and Dave Pilkey combined their efforts, they may have come close to creating a book similar to Astro Socks. It is the educational tool of the year for parents and teachers, and kids love it.

Oh, where to start? Again with a the educational tool of the year thing. Can you tell I'm extremely skeptical? You've done nothing to make me believe you might be telling the truth. And setting your creation up as on par with J. K. Rowling and Dav Pilkey (congrats on spelling his name wrong, btw), just heightens the disbelief. Do. Not. Compare. Yourself. to Bestselling. Authors. It says you have very unrealistic expectations for your book and/or have only read the bestselling children's books, and so you essentially know nothing about the market.
I'd also like to point out that the title of your book is not one that is likely to elicit any consumer response other than: "What?"

"From the beginning of Astro Socks, my students and I were pulling for the main character, Chris. The author has an exceptional ability for using description to help the reader connect on an emotional level with her characters. My students were inspired by this child inventor, and were excited to create imaginative illustrations based on visualizations they had while reading the story. The number of classroom activities that could spiral from this book with my students are endless, thanks to the incredible creativity with which the story was written." Trisha Munroe, BEd, MEd

I see a fair number of authors in slush who have included testimonials from teachers and parents. Guess what? Teachers and parents know something about children, but they are entirely unreliable in terms of knowing what's well written and what will actually sell. Editors do not care what your friends and neighbors think.

This short fiction novel concentrates on a young boy who turns his dreams of becoming an inventor into a reality. Like all children, he has a vivid imagination. As he uses his imagination and visualizes, his ideas begin to take shape. The more excited he becomes, the faster his ideas begin to take shape. The main character encounters various hurdles along his adventure, but he discovers that anything is possible when you have faith, determination, and the love of your family. The illustrations throughout Astro Socks are an amazing testimonial to the book as they are a result of in-classroom projects. Students also reviewed the fiction.

Editors also see a consistent percentage of submissions that are illustrated by children. Because children are so precious and imaginative, right? The thing they're not, though, is artists. And books illustrated by children do not sell, because they're ugly. Parents think they're ugly. Teachers think they're ugly. And here's the news flash—children think they're ugly. Children wish they could draw better than they can. (And one day, if their creativity isn't squashed, they may learn to. In the meantime, however, their work is not fit for publication.)

"What I think is great is that a ten year old, a normal ten year old, all of a sudden turns into an inventor.NuPont doesn't care if he is ten or not! They accept him right away!" "Amanda", Grade Five Student

If there's anyone who knows more about children but less about what's well written and what will sell than parents and teachers, it's children. Editors really, really don't care what the few children you know think.

Educators must have this book on their reading lists, and in their classrooms. Parents and all book lovers enjoy reading it and learning at the same time.

"Educators must"? According to whom? You, the person selling the book? What a scam.
"All book lovers"? Are you telling me you've spoken to all book lovers to ascertain that they enjoy reading the book? WTF.

Connecting creativity and the imagination are in every line of this work. "Astro Socks inspires and connects the dots for successful kids, like the movie, The Secret, is known to do for adults", says Le Creux. "Faith, determination, and imagination are qualities all of us need to cultivate - especially in our children".

You're quoting yourself?! You have no shame!

About the book:
Astro Socks by Leigh Le Creux
ISBN: 978-0595463756
Publisher: iUniverse
Date of publish: Jan 2008
Pages: 90
S.R.P.:
$9.95

Dear readers, comments?

Nyet, Nein, La, Non, Nao

From the yellow boards:

I'm a newbie, but I have been writing poetry. Now I think im ready for children picture book writing. Just wondering, I like how the children book is business about. I have done some researching. I just want to know, as being a poet; I wonder, if I'm am ready to take the next step.

Other questions that have the same answer:

• I want to know if this electrical socket is live. Should I use a fork or a screwdriver?
• I have a rash somewhere, you know, private. But my girlfriend's on the pill, so that's ok, right?
• I'll just put my makeup on in the car. I can drive with my knees, and what are all those mirrors for, anyway?
• The only way to get published is to make your own rules and do things to stand out from the rest of the herd. Won't it impress an editor if I show up at her office or mail her little gifts of lingerie with my manuscript?

The Cutest Thing You've Ever Seen

It's probably your snooky-wookums dog. Or cat. Or weasel. (You keep that in your apartment?) In some cases it's your favorite stuffed animal, or in one case your purse. (Seriously? Your purse?)

Whatever it is, it's so adorable you've made a photo album of it. Oh, I'm sorry, a picture book.
You've traveled with wittle wuvums to scenic locales for your photo shoots. "Scenic" evidently includes the ditch near your house and the four corners area. (You can see four states! Except, you know, not in the photograph.)

And then you've convinced yourself that people with photoshop don't need artistic talent, and you've been doctoring the photos so that your overweight chihuahua (as a completely random example) has an adventure in outer space where he worries the planets like tennis balls and teaches children facts about the solar system. (Are there ten planets?) It's delightful! Because he's so cute!

And you've sent this off to a publisher because sharing your pookie with the world qualifies as a public service, and to "show" those people who made fun of your weird obsession and suggested in their "nice" voice that you might join a book group or try knitting or take a bath.

In the end, it doesn't matter whether these submissions will get published or not. (Though they won't. Ever.) The point is that people at publishing houses get the chance to play MST3K with your photos and for this we sincerely thank you. It's a nice break from taking things seriously.

The Return of Grandma

No more books about grandmas? That's like saying, no more books about squirrels. It's not the grandmas or the squirrels that make or break a pb, it's the story, story, story. How about: no more corny, sappy books about grandmas and squirrels?

What I want is no more books that are aimed at grandma more than they are at children. Much of what I see in slush has this quality, and comes from a motivation that is more "oh my grandchildren are so precious" or "oh my relationship with my grandchildren is so precious" or "god I wish my grandchildren were as obsessed with me as I am with them", none of which are attitudes that the actual grandchildren can identify with.
Put whatever characters in your manuscripts you like. But write them for children, or face my wrath.

I warn people about the squirrel manuscript epidemic just as an fyi. If there's suddenly 10 thousand squirrels on your front lawn, you're not going to care that one of them might be the most beautiful squirrel ever born. You're going to break out your broom and start laying about you with abandon.

Grandma Strikes Again

Is one of the characters in your picture book "grandma"? Is "grandma" the main character, or as prominent a character as the child in the story?

If so, pause. Consider whether your book is for children, or if it is, in fact, for grandma.

Some of you, the guilty ones, are saying to yourselves, "It's for children and grandmothers! It's for them to enjoy together!"

Ha, ha. Guess who are the only people who enjoy reading about grandmothers?
That's right.

I know, some of you are thinking of your own twinkly-eyed grandmothers, or of your own twinkly-eyed selves, and are thinking something along the lines of "Who does that whippersnapper of an editor think she is? Why, in my day..."

Yeah. In your day, children still cared more about themselves, their friends, and their parents than they did about their grandparents. To small children especially, grandparents are conveniences like the car or the refrigerator: grandparents take children nice places and give them yummy treats. It's true that the car and the refrigerator cannot hug children, but they also can't pinch their cheeks. Life is full of trade-offs.

There should be a special term for the euphoric obsession experienced by grandparents. And, yes, sometimes it's a positive thing. And other times it's in my inbox.

Children Are So Precious! (a short quiz!)

This week has already come up with its quota of snooky-wookums slush, and that's it. No more! Thus, today's quiz:

Childhood is a magical time, full of: (check all that apply)

a. innocence
b. ignorance
c. daisies
d. insecurity
e. tea parties
f. fairies
g. imagination
h. unicorns
i. teddy bears
j. thoughtless cruelty

Whatever else you chose, if you didn't select ignorance, insecurity, and thoughtless cruelty, you've mistaken what childhood is like to look at for what childhood is like to live. Being a child is hard. If you don't remember what it was like to be a child, please do not write for them.

How to Stalk an Editor (Handy tips!)

(or, How to Irritate, Alarm, and Creep Out the People You Hope to Work With)

1. Find out as much as you can about us personally. It's always impressive when an author already knows my age and astrological sign.

2. Call us up at work. We love having lengthy chats with strangers about their burgeoning careers. And god knows we've got nothing better to do. This tactic is especially memorable if our extension is not readily available in the company directory.

3. Do regular internet searches to discover what events / conferences we'll be attending. Start showing up at all of them—even if you don't approach us, we'll start wondering about that person who always looks so familiar.

4. Hang out outside our offices and attempt to follow us home. Editors have our defenses down and are more approachable if you can catch us in our apartments.

5. Public restrooms are even better. No one is as vulnerable as they are when they are struggling with their underclothes. This is a perfect chance to pass us your manuscript, or read it to us over the door.

6. Follow us to a bar and sneak a manuscript into our purses when we're distracted. When we find it later, we'll know just how committed you are. Or should be.