Being a woman and being sick

A'salaamu alaikum ya'll. Wanting to get something off my chest, metaphorically speaking. Actually, it could be literal as well, because I would loooove to get these tubes OUTTA my chest. :-) But I digress. As usual.

It's hard being a woman and dealing with the side-effects of illness in so many ways. As a  mama, as a homemaker, it's hard to have to admit we can't do things that need to be done. I'm not ashamed to tell you my shower hasn't been cleaned since I've been ill. I simply can't do it and I have no plans to lick it anytime soon. :-) So no matter how distressed it really makes me deep inside, I know cosmically speaking, it's a thing I just have to let go. I don't have the energy and with the swelling and the placement of the tubes, bending over is difficult at best, and painful at all times. So shower-cleaning has fallen by the wayside.

It's difficult to be unable to be the active, supportive sister I've always tried to be. My best friend, Um Bilal, just had hernia repair surgery yesterday. I want to cook for her and help her in so many ways but alhamdulillah I'm really limited right now. So I've set up for other sisters to cook and masha'Allah she has a wondeful husband who is able to stay home with her and the baby. But still... feel like I'm just not doing what I should for her. Thanks to her and Abu Bilal, anything I've needed since I've fallen ill has been taken care of. Garbage taken out, clothes hung up, driven to the hospital... anything and everything masha'Allah. Abu B is Cap'n's best friend of over 15 years and Um B is mine for the past 6. We are blessed with them.

It's also difficult for me from a purely feminine standpoint. Steroids are difficult meds. They do a great service (keeping my kidney from rejecting... or at least anymore!) but the side effects are harsh. I've broken out in bumps which I've never had before (except post-transplant when I was also on high doses) and it makes you gain weight/retain fluid and fat in odd places. Namely face/neck/trunk. Also the back of the neck like a buffalo hump? Yeah, Attractive. So I'm not only dealing with feeling pretty bad on some days but also dealing with these other side effects. I'm engaged, Cap'n and I have never met in person and now it's looking like when we do meet I'm going to have these unattractive side effects.

I know he respects me as a Muslimah, as a woman, as a friend and fiancee. I know he loves me for my character and he also is attracted to me. But now? Of course he will not change how he feels for me but I've changed. I feel self-conscious. I feel ugly. :-( I want to feel confident and happy when we meet not worried he will be unhappy with me. Of course he hasn't seen me sans hijab and believe me, hijab is a fat girl's friend. Now I don't mean normally but with this extra swelling... it reminds me of a bullfrog's neck. It's gross and it's ugly and i.hate.it.

OK so that's my whine for the day. Oh wait, one more thing. Also the steroids make you ravenous. So my appetite has increased dramatically. I've gained about 12 to 15 pounds, a lot of which is fluid retention but some is pure fat. Prednisone causes you to store carbohydrates quicker than you normally would; it can also cause (insha'Allah temporary) diabetes which I now have since my massive doses in the hospital. I am insulin-dependent but it is getting better and if I'm careful how I eat, I don't have very bad problems with it.

So I've had a lot of changes in a short time. I've been put back to only 2 days a week dialysis because my kidney does have some residual function. I'm so happy for that; it's like getting a free day a week. :-) I'm also grateful I am able to dialyze; in Cap'n's country, for example, no one over 40 or diabetic is subsidized by the government. Ouch. Subhanallah. It's a poor country so that means a great number of the population with kidney disease simply has to... die. So there are still so many things to be grateful for, to be happy about.

One of those is the fact that Alex, my "baby", called last night. I haven't heard much from my sons recently. I text and call them but masha'Allah they are busy young men. I try to be patient for them. So he calls to tell me he has a band concert. He's first chair masha'Allah, he plays the bass which is a large brass horn. He was so handsome and sat so straight. He shook the other players hands (since he had beat them out! lol). It was just wonderful to see him so competent and confident. Aaminah was ecstatic too!

Then Zack called and he needed a ride back to his dorm room. He doesn't normally keep his car on campus. So we got to have a ride and visit with him as well. Since I just recently got a washer and dryer (yay!) I'm hoping Zack will come here to do his laundry. The campus is about 5 minutes from my apartment so hoping we'll hear from him soon. Sisters, as your children grow up, they grow away. It's natural in many ways but difficult in all. Of course the fact that Alex doesn't live with me makes it harder. He is always welcome here but he is so busy with school, running, band, drama club (please not girls!!!!) that he just doesn't have a lot of time. I take what they have left over and I'm happy for it. :-)

I wasn't able to get a picture of him last night cause we were so far away up in the balcony where Little Miss wanted to sit. I'll try to get some new pics of them soon; my boys are so handsome masha'Allah! Actually here are some pics from their mission trip to Guatemala last year. I appreciate the work their church does. They do not go and tell starving people "Jesus saves!" they go out and get their hands dirty. My boys helped build walls and plant gardens. They did it in the spirit of their beliefs but without the heavy-handed conversion tactics I find so distasteful. Plus, the majority of Guatemalans are Christian anyway. So it was truly a labor of love. :-) Enjoy!

Zack (l) and Alex (r) bending re-bar. :-)

Zack then Alex on the far end. :-)

Breaking rocks into smaller rocks. This is so the craftsmen can build walls. :-) Alex is in the front.

Zack translating. He is very gifted in Spanish; it's actually his minor in college. His mad skillz were a god-send. :-)

Ma salaama ya'll!

Where have I been???

Salaaaaaam ya'll! I've been busy. Working my 7 days a week, 10 hours a day. Exhausted, writing is the LAST thing on my mind. However, word is easing up, I'm getting one day off a week and only 9 hours a day. So happy alhamdulillah!

So much has happened, where to start? Still unmarried, all things come in their season, dear readers. :-) I did FINALLY get my belongings from the movers. Alhamdulillah! I had to pay another $960 but was just so happy and grateful I had a job so I was able to pay it on my own and not have to ask for help from anyone. That is a blessing in itself! So now instead of a bare apartment we have boxes and bags and containers, oh my! :-) Be careful what you wish for, huh? I would say I just want the time to put things aright and rearrange, decorate but I need my job and it will be over after the end of April so I am sure the mess will wait for me.

And wait. And wait. :-))

Anyway so that was some good news. Aaminah is growing like a WEED. Yes indeed. Most of her 4T clothes she has outgrown masha'Allah. Time for the charity bags. :-) She also has heaps of baby toys for toddlers so we'll go through everything as time permits and really pare down. I enjoy this type of thing and am looking forward to it.

So my job. Wow. I enjoy it, I really like my co-workers and the owner. The job is good too but some of our clients... words just do NOT describe. I have been propositioned and stared at and really it's rattled me a few times. I am not a shy person but alhamdulillah Allah swt gave me haya and now it's difficult for me to interact non-mahrems ESP if for some ridiculous reason they try to flirt with me. I'm like, I'm the one covered in the office and yet, you think you should try your luck with me??? LOL

I have ordered some natural henna products online and as soon as I use them and can really give a good rating I'll do a post. Promise. :-) I wanted a color other than orange-brown henna for my nails and they make all-natural nail, lip and areola stains. Yes sisters you read that last part right as well. :-) It's all-pupose. I'm excited and I'll let ya'll know in a week or so ok?

Oh I did buy a couple of uber-cute sandals recently online, thought I would share. Yes this is a random, mashed-up post. I've had thoughts for some serious ones but no time to do them justice so hope ya'll like this little slice-of-life entry. :-)

So it has kinda sequed into a "here's a few pics for ya" kinda post. I feel like I owe you guys something for being so patient while my life is straightening back out.

Ohhh and speaking of straightening, I got an awesome keratin hair treatment today. I don't splurge on myself but this was $155 with the cut. Ouch! But... it was long over-due and yeah, I feel like I deserve it. My hair was in serious need of some deep-conditioning. This treatment straightens it and conditions it. Now instead of my half-curly, half-wavy, alllll frizzy mess I've got lovely flowing locks. Wish I could show ya'll but well.... you know. :-) Take my word for it, if you can afford to treat yourself and your hair is giving you fits, this is definitely worth it.

Well I have been more appearance-concious lately. Getting remarried and yes, getting in touch with my more feminine roots again. I was just sooo busy in MA and then when I arrived here in Sept I was broke, broke, broke. So I've bought some new clothes, got my hair done and (gettin') my nails did :-), and the cute sandals kinda topping it off.

I have also, on the advice of my doctor, went to the tanning bed a few times.  As a hijabi, my Vitamin D levels are always pretty low but factor in my kidney disease and they get super low. So I decided to pop into the tanning bed a few times. I like having a bit of color to my skin and Vitamin D is called the happy vitamin cause it gives you more energy and improves your mood. Insha'allah. :-)

Alright I think I'll sign out now. Just want ya'll to know I'm happy, Aaminah is healthy, and we are doing alright. :-) ALL praises be to Allah, the Lord of the worlds. :-) Also my boys are doing great, awesome grades, Zack has a part-time job and is in his second semester of university and Alex has a play this weekend where he portrays a knight. Gonna see my budding thespian on Sunday insha'Allah. Love my children, love my family, love my friends, love my life.

Ma salaama ya'll!

These are surprisingly comfortable and reallllly cute. :-) Oh and I got this pair too:

Aaminah painted this for me. Beautiful yes?? :-)

Aaminah at the super-creepy playplace at the BK in my neighborhood. Low lights + funky smell = ewwwwww

Just some pictures

A'salaamu alaikum ya'll. I found some old photos online and wanted to share them. Hope ya'll enjoy!

Alex with Cookie, our friends' dog.

Alex and Aaminah :-)

Just a swangin'

Gooby Zack. Have I posted this one before?? It's classic Zack. :-)

King of the Moutain. :-) My little mountaineer

A rare "snow storm" for E. Tennessee. LOL

Love the expression!

Rare pic of Zack with Nova. :-) Alex was the dog boy.

Zack and his friends. Yes, all girls. LOL

Oh my, yes I had both a nose ring and an eyebrow ring. Whilst rockin' the al-amira hijab. LOL LOL LOL This was taken at my job at the time.

The tiny garden I was inordinately proud of. lol  We had a praying mantis that lived in it. One day she apparently fell victim to the landscaping guys' weedeater and the little neighborhood kids came to me, "Miss Jeanna, Miss Jeanna! Your little buddy is dead". I liked to teach them about nature. :-)

Wow :-(

A'salaamu alaikum ya'll. For the majority of you, thank you so much for your care, concern and duat. Wallahi you just don't know how much you are appreciated!

However, I did receive one comment I felt was decidedly un-sister-like in it's tone. Here is the comment received from Anon of my last post (about my divorce and move):

"As-SalaamuA'laykum,

I dont mean to be rude, but why aren't your sons living with you? I just cant understand why you would leave your children to raise your husband children and your daughter. And if they didnt want to move, then YOU have to stay put for them.

From what you mention here, they havent been living with you for awhile. Its very strange to me."

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Anonymous, wow. Guess your comment kinda took me by surprise. I like to see my blog as a positive place, one I turn to for support but alhamdulillah.

So long story short: i was dying. Yeah that's pretty short. And going through a divorce. And my ex's family paid for a lawyer but I had no money for one. My ex asked to have full custody on paper because of my rapidly failing health. (My kidneys were failing, I was in End Stage Renal Disease and I had suffered a stroke and 3 grand mal seizures.) He said he didn't want any issues with my family interfering if I were to die suddenly and had joint custody.

I agreed. He is an excellent father and was always honest. For several years I picked my boys up every day after dialysis when I could barely drag my body out of the clinic. ALHAMDULILLAH.

I helped them with their school reports, bandaged their cuts, and helped heal their little broken hearts. ALHAMDULILLAH.

I scheduled parent conferences between the thirteen different surgeries I had during the space of 2 years. I even managed to make goodies for bake sales and chaperone field trips. ALHAMDULILLAH.

Did I forget to mention I also went to college, full-time, pre-nursing major, and got a 3.8 gpa? ALHAMDULILLAH.

I did all I could, I gave my best, and then some. I did it gratefully, joyfully, happily because they were my sons. ALHAMDULILLAH.

Then their father got a girlfriend. Oh don't worry getting them today, he said, just rest a little. You're so sick. When he kept making excuses and I said, ok I'm just coming to get them he said no. He reminded me that on paper HE had full custody and HE felt it was for their "best interests" to not be back and forth between our homes.

So for a while I got them every Wednesday and every weekend. ALHAMDULILLAH.

Then he said, you know, the Wednesday really messes up their week and I want them some on the weekends. How about you just get them on every other weekend and every Sunday?

I cried, I begged... he was firm. It seems I wasn't good for his relationship with the new woman. I was still on disability, still poor, and had no way to pay a lawyer to go back to court to change the custody arrangement. ALHAMDULILLAH!

I did contact Legal Aid; they do not take family law cases. ALHAMDULILLAH.

So fast forward many years. I convert to Islam and search for a husband who will move to my town so I can be with my sons every other weekend. It's hard, I find one, and he turns out to be a green-card seeker. ALHAMDULILLAH!

I finally accepted A's proposal and with it, the knowledge I had to move away. I am sure that you know children are given to the father after a certain age or upon the re-marriage of the mother. So according to Allah swt my sons were supposed to be with their father, although it was something I fought against and could find no comfort in for a long time.

I finally realized that while they do need their mother, they need to grow to be MEN. They need to grow with a strong male example. Their father loves them and is a wonderful dad to them.

I was faced with the decision of remaining single (which is not from our religion!) to see my sons every other weekend. Or remarry (as we are urged to do) and allow them to live with their father (as Shariah tells us they should).

I guess, Anon, I fail to see what's so confusing about this. I went through a horribly sad time, I missed my sons so much and I did everything in my power to be a loving, attentive mother.

I'm sorry you feel it's very strange. Next time, ukhti, try making 70 excuses for your brother (or sister) and make du'a for her instead of judging her.

To my readers: Sorry if I am a little emotional. Usually I am pretty even-keeled but this is indeed a sore point with me. I am feeling a little fragile right now and just don't need this kind of drama. If I have spoken out of turn, I ask you all to forgive me.

Ma salaama...

On hiatus

A'salaamu alaikum ya'll. I left on Sept 2nd for a long over-due visit back home to East TN. Yay!!!! :-) I've spent time with all of my close family and I've seen my muslim family too. It's been awesome!!!!!  My friend Sr. Lisa is expecting a baby on the 19th of this month and her husband had to go out of the country for a couple of weeks. I stepped in to fill-in. :-)

I'm so excited about her baby!!!! Insha'Allah I can stay here a bit after he's born as well although once Abu Bilal returns it will be a tight fit and a bit awkward, staying around a non-mahrem. Anyway, I'm home!!!!

Here are a few pics for your viewing enjoyment. :-) And I'll be back, sooner or later; sorry I've neglected ya'll!!!

Aaminah and Alex, two of my babies!

Brother, Mom, myself (how did you know?? lol) and my sis.

View of my great-uncle's flower-covered shed. Beautiful!

Me and ALL my babies! 18, 14, and 3... wow.

She's a country girl at heart! PS this is a self-portrait titled "Bare feet" lol

Yeah, I was "glowing". It was hot as heck out there!

At least 3 generation have swung on that tree! Mamaw (my grandmother) used to have a clotheline strung there.

Aaminah and I at 'eid prayer. BEFORE the crowd. This is my chador-e-melli abaya btw. :-)

My little sweetheart. Later there was no room to move up there, masha'Allah!

From Oct. 2010 when we last visited :-)

Annoyed with blogger

A'salaamu alaikum ya'll. It's been realllly quiet here in blog-land lately. I guess a lot of vacations, etc. BTW, I hate the word "vacay". Nothing personal, it just annoys me. Sounds like a lazy "vacate". :-)

So I tried unsuccessful for a loooong time (longer than I want to admit!) to upload a video of Aaminah with her step-sibling and Alex. Unfortunately either blogger wasn't cooperating or maybe my connection was slow for some reason.

Anyway they didn't get loaded after trying for a couple of days, then I just got annoyed and said, "Whatev!"

So here instead, for your viewing pleasure, are some pics of little Miss Aaminah and her brother. I am sure there might be some others thrown in; really it's just a grab-bag of photos today.

Enjoy and I promise I'll get out of this literary slump and write something almost worth reading. :-)

The look of pure joy from having 4 older siblings to play with you!

I couldn't get ALL of them to look cute at once; I figured Aaminah has the most lee-way to look bad in a pic! lol

Alex sportin' Yousef's jacket. A few sizes too small!

Being gooby at Wal-Mart. :-)

I went to an Indian restaurant with Sr.Lisa and Aliyah. It was AWESOME. She loved it masha'Allah!

The end result. She even picked food up with her naan!

OK so I feel like I've at least posted something. :-) Ma salaama ya'll...

Long awaited picture post!

A'salaamu alaikum ya'll. Remember that show with Bill Cosby, Picture Pages? Got that stuck in my head now from this post: "Picture pages, picture pages, time to get your picture pages, time to get your crayons and your pencils..."

Awww the sweet innocence of young life! BTW I never had the picture pages so I was always kinda wondering what he was on about but still liked the song. lol

Aaminah is sitting on the balcony as I type, playing quietly with some small stuffed animals and randomly drawing on herself with sidewalk chalk. :-) I know I am too picky about her getting dirty sometimes but one good thing about me is when I notice a failing I try to remedy it. So I am letting her color her little feet in chalk til her heart's satisfied. I mean, is it really a big deal?

I wish I could hear her conversation but I know if I butt in it will ruin the moment so I'll be content for now to just be a silent voyeur. Hmmm I think that's redundant, pretty sure voyeurs are always silent. Anyway...

I wanted to post some photos of our visit with Alex but looks like it's gonna have to wait. My little Picasso just walked in, all dusty and chalky. Masha'Allah gotta love her!

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OK it's a day later so another salaam is in order. :-) I don't know how much time I'll have before her highness wakes up so here are some pics for ya'll to ponder and enjoy, insha'Allah. :-)


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Ok it's ANOTHER day later. A'salaamu alaikum!!! I started to upload the pics and then realized... I lost them. :-( Actually I lost all of my photos. Every.Last.Stinkin'.One. :-( Yes, I can appreciate the irony. I had just urged, rather vehemently urged at that!, all of my readers to back-up their photos.

Then I lost mine.

In my defense, I was in the process of cleaning up my photos, reorganizing, and READYING them for backup. Yes, again, the irony. lol

I tried for hours, literally, to retrieve them to no avail. I downloaded at least 5 programs designed to scan your hard drive for unintentional deletes.

Nothing.

Then my friend Sr. Lisa said, "Oh this happened to me last year" sat down and promptly found them. Yay! Alhamdulillah!

How you ask? By doing a system restore. However it seems that my photos from Alex's visit didn't make it to a back-up point. Boo hoo hoo. Really I am a little sad but what good will it do? I will try to back it up again but I think they are just gone.

So that's how this came from being the "Long awaited picture post!" originally intended for 2 days ago to the "Dang it!" post. :-)

Ma salaama ya'll....

Another milestone...

A'salaamu alaikum ya'll. Btw, my last entry was post # 250; subhanallah! Like most busy moms, I don't always get to finish what I start so I feel like I've done a fair job with keeping up my blog; 2 yrs and 250 posts later, I'm still here. That's a testament for multi-tasking. :-)

Alhamdulillah my best friend Sr. Lisa is up from Tennessee right now. Can I get another Alhamdulillah? I am really happy she is here with her sweet, funny daughter Aliyah. Lisa is 26 weeks pregnant masha'Allah and I've not seen her all pregnancy. It's so sweet and cute; I love pregnant tummies. Since she's my friend, I get to do the Buddha-belly rub. Yes! I even felt the little buddy kick. (Insha'Allah it's a boy.)

My posting might still be sporadic so just a little heads up. I really miss my son but I am grateful for the days he was here. As we "speak" he is on his way to Guatemala for a working mission trip. Meaning not calling people to Christianity but doing work for the community. As Guatemala is 95% Christian, this is more of a charity trip than a proselytizing one. :-) Insha'Allah my sons stay safe and are a great help to the indigenous peoples they are going to assist.

The past few days I've had many ideas for posts but no time. If I forget to write down my idea, it's usually lost to the void. Insha'Allah they'll resurface at a later time.

Oh yeah, I do have some photos of the visit. I have to admit, I am not best photographer when it comes to special times. I am too busy enjoying them to worry about staying behind a lens. I did want some photos so I would sporadically pull out the old camera and point and click!

I purposefully did NOT take pictures of his departure. It was hard enough and I didn't want to feel sad everytime I looked at the photographs. Wise move, grasshopper. :-)

Oh I've also been trying to re-arrange/re-tag all of my photos on the computer. When I upload my pics, a little box pops-up that allows you to place tags. So, for example, if on that particular day I had some pics of a sewing project, dinner photos, and Aaminah, I would type the following:

"crafts, recipes, Aami"  I thought by placing the commas in between it would make individual tags.

Nope. It made the tag "crafts recipes Aami" which is counter-productive if for example I wanted to pull up all my craft photos. So now I am going through and re-tagging. It's painstaking work but fun for me and I'll be so happy with my new improved photo storage system.

Oh a little reminder for us all, BACK UP YOUR PHOTOS NOW. Don't delay it; get some DVDs or buy online storage. Whateva. Just do it. I lost a computer 4 yrs ago and all of my digital photos from that time period are gone. My boys during their formative years. :-(

I kept the computer for a long time because I really wanted to try to retrieve them. I finally threw it away when I moved here to MA. :-( Anyway a lesson for us all, a painful one, so....

BACK UP YOUR PHOTOS AND IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS NOW. OK that concludes my public service announcement for today. :-)

Love ya'll fi sabilillah!

:-(

A'salaamu alaikum ya'll.

Alex left today; I really don't feel like posting. Maybe in a few days. It was a great visit, I cried after he got on the plane to go back home.

I.hate.to.cry.in.public.

Period. (In case all of the (.)s above didn't make my feelings plain enough)

I just turned to face the window and watch his plane take off. Then Aaminah was sad, of course, that her big brother had to go back home and kept asking why so I had to "man-up" and be happy for her.

It sucks being a twice-a-year parent. :-(

Yippee!!!!

A'salaamu alaikum ya'll. As you should know from looking at my counter above, my baby Alex is coming TOMORROW to stay for 10 days. I am so excited as is Alex and Aaminah. :-)

That said, I'll probably (and with good reason!) be a little quiet on the blog front. I might do a post or two during some down-time but for the most part, it's be pretty quiet here. Just wanted to give ya'll a heads up.

I had actually thought to churn out a quick post of some substance but alhamdulillah some last minute issues kept me too busy today. He'll be in at 10 am in the morning (his flight leaves at 5am!!!!) so tomorrow is a done day for me.

So everytime you peek in here and find it quiet just smile and be happy for me that I am with 2/3 of my heart right now. For those of you who have to take your shoes off to do math, that means Zack is the other 1/3. LOL Just teasing...

Insha'Allah ya'll have as blessed and happy a 10 days as I will! Ma salaama...

Random updates

I love this picture of Aaminah; she was 7 months old. So cute masha'allah!

A'salaamu alaikum ya'll. This is gonna be one of those mish-mash kinda posts; just catching you up on some daily going-ons and ongoing issues. :-)

I noticed I was pretty prolific in March; 21 posts masha'Allah! Especially when compared with my 4 measly ones this month. Dismal, dismal! I just haven't had the inspiration. What can ya do? Anyway let's tie up some loose ends now. :-)

1. We were supposed to meet with Hafsa's principal last Friday. However, A had the flu and double pnuemonia. :-( He missed 7 days of work and really felt bad. This was on the tail end of Aaminah's illness which lasted about 10 days so really I've been a-nursin' everyone for a couple of weeks. Maybe that's where all my energy went. :-) Insha'Allah we'll get a new meeting rescheduled now that A is feeling better (and no longer contagious).

2. I've been feeling really crafty. I found a really inspiring website (oh come on, there are sooo many!) but this is a very sweet woman from Japan called Mairuru. This is her blog; it's alot of her life, photos of Japan and all of her super-sweet handmade (hand sewn!) crafts. Seeing how inspired she is inspires me. I don't think there are many days that pass where she doesn't make something handmade masha'Allah.

Also, after reading through her blog, I was humbled by her attitude and perspective on life. I find myself often admiring Asians cultures for their emphasis on family, devotion, and simplicity. Mairuru and her family are no exception. She is grateful for all the small blessings in her life and it's just heartwarming to read. No complaints, no grouchings, just quiet happiness. I felt calmer just for reading her posts. :-)

Insha'Allah if ya'll feel a little crafty, check out her blog and try your hand at some of them. I am intending to and I'll post my results here. :-)

3. I bought Aaminah a Nintendo DSi. Yeah, I know. She is little masha'allah, not yet 3, and this is not something I ever did for my boys for sure. Well yeah coulnd't afford it :-P but also I don't advocate video games, incessant tv watching, connected 24/7 to an ipod, etc.

That said, her stepbrother Yousef received one as a gift. He was..... less than generous with it and Aaminah usually bore the brunt of his stinginess. (He can be very sweet with her in other regards at times but he was the baby of the family before we came and unfortunately continues in some of those behaviors.) I just got a little tired of all the "You can't touch it, Aaminah!" or him accusing her of losing a stylus, breaking it, etc.

I looked and looked on eBay and finally found a used one at a price I could stomach. I found her a few cute little games and I let her play it a few times a day. She enjoys it and she plays educational games (although at this age, everything she does she learns from!). Of course she really enjoys it and reallllly enjoys the sense of ownership. :-D "This is my DS!".

Masha'Allah she is a very grateful little girl, we talk about how Allah doesn't like us to be greedy and we discuss ways to cut back on our greed. For instance, by donating her clothes and toys she no longer plays with or has outgrown, she knows she can help another little girl who is less fortunate. We also discuss how we can buy less and do not have to have everything we want.

For example, we were at Target the other day and she saw a little toy she loved! I let her see it and hold it but reminded her that Allah doesn't like us to be greedy and we have enough toys. She said, "OK Mama, I just want to hold it for a minute." Masha'allah she put it right back and was content. I think this is a great lesson to pass on to our children AND for us to remember ourselves!

4. We are still discussing the potential move to Tunis. I am partially excited and partially apprehensive/pensive about it. Insha'Allah He will give me peace. Amin.

5. My youngest, Alex, will be coming up for a visit the first week of June insha'Allah. I am so excited! I cannot wait to see him and have him here, just for me and Aaminah to enjoy! He can stay for about 10 days; he is going on a mission trip to Guatamala mid-June and I have to get him back in time to pack/get ready. Zack was going to try and come also but he is literally busy the entire summer! Between summer camps (he counsels), his mission trip, orientation for college, and much much more, he's all set. :-( Insha'allah I'll see him soon but my heart is sad.

Oh right, I forgot, big surprise here but I was sick also, spent a night in the hospital but alhamdulillah my fever abated and I was able to come home. My energy is really flagging here recently and I've lost my cooking mojo again. Poor A; the kids don't mind so much but I am sure A is tired of uninspired meals, although he would never complain to me masha'allah. I really have so much to be thankful for; my husband is so supportive and very sweet/romantic in his Arab way. :-) He never complains or insists and is truly grateful for anything I do for him. Alhamdulillah. :-)

Ma salaama ya'll!

Good news!! :-)

A'salaamu alaikum ya'll. My youngest son, Alex, is coming to stay for a bit this summer. I am super-hyped! I had asked the boys' dad last year to allow them to come but he refused. (He is a bit of an overbearing ass.) Anyway I asked again this year and he agreed. I am so happy. Zachary will probably be too busy between all of the camps he volunteers at plus getting ready for college this fall. My biggest baby is growing up so fast!!!

I will miss seeing my family and friends in TN. In particular my best friend, Sr. Lisa. She is expecting a baby in September insha'Allah and her husband is still overseas. :-( Please make dua Allah unites them soon, amin. Anyway before I married, we were inseparable. We lived within a minute of each other. We went to the masjid together, to the store together, everywhere. I really miss her and I know it's been so hard on her, being a single mom alone with another on the way. Well not single bec married but single bec he isn't here yet. (Her daughter is 6 and she is from her first marriage.)

Anyway it is hard to tell her and my mom especially I won't be coming down but at the end of the day, it's my children I can't live without. They are the ones I miss so badly, they are the ones my heart breaks for. Of course I miss everyone else but my sons... ahhhh if you are a momma you know. There is no love like what we have for our children.

It was going to be difficult for Aaminah and I to travel down this time. We are trying to save money for our eventual move to Tunisia and if Alex comes that's only 1 plane ticket as compared to 2. Plus last time Zachary was free so we all used his car to go around. He would be gone this year so I would have to rent a car. Last year my mom had her empty house; this year she has rented it out so I would have to stay with people. It's difficult as a muslim to stay with non-Muslims even if they are family.

Allah is all-knowing, all-merciful and He is the best of planners. I will trust in that. :-)

Ma salaama ya'll!

Cutest li'l hijabi plus updates!



My daughter has a kohl addiction. :-) If she sees me putting some on she has to have it.

A'salaamu alaikum ya'll. The winner of the cutest li'l hijabi award goes to...................  Aaminah!!! Masha'allah what a sweet little face! This piece of fabric has a beautiful history, as well. When I first became Muslim my hijab selection was nil. I had the very thick, heavy, ivory square hijab a sister gave me that first Jumuah I attended the masjid. (I've talked about this on here before.) I've worn hijab since that day masha'Allah, may Allah be praised for making it easy for me.

Anyway the hijab was thick, heavy, and uncomfortable. I knew I had to do something and fast! I just had no idea what that was. :-) So I headed out to Wal-Mart and was looking for some fabric with which to cover myself. I found the above fabric and fell in love with the henna-inspired print. Plus it was only $1 a yard on clearance and it was really lightweight and stretchy. I bought a yard or so and headed home.

I didn't have a sewing machine at the time so I used the iron-on hemming tape that is available to "hem" the sides. I loved this hijab. :-) After some time and finding newer, more practical styles of hijab, I had placed it in my drawer. (Along with the extra couple of yards I had picked up at a later date.)

Aaminah pulled it out the other day and loved it as well. I thought, hmmm let's see what we can whip up! I'm not ashamed to say I used my magic-tape hemmed edges and just sewed a quick little line down the middle to join it. A few snips here and there and voila! My little muhajabat!

So now my first hijab has been passed down to my daughter. She loves to play with hijabs and wears them when she prays with us (most of the time lol). I love her chubby-cheeked look in them! I think she looks like those cute little Malaysian babies with their ruffly hijabs masha'Allah. :-)



Really she did smile for some but they ended up being blurry. Photo shoots before bed time = less options. :-

 I think I am going to make myself a khimar with the longer fabric I have. I also thought about making her a butterfly abaya but the inside of the fabric is a little scratchy so I don't think that would go over too well. And yeah, I like the thought of us going out in matching khimars. :-) Mommy and me, right?

Oh sorry for the lack of updates recently; I'll take care of that now. Alex, my baby (well for years and years pre-Aaminah) turned 14 on the 10th of March. Masha'Allah! He is just a great kid; alhamdulillah both of my boys are very intelligent but Alex has that something extra. He is a math whiz, plays in the school marching band, runs cross-country track and is one of the most caring and compassionate people I've ever met. He is an awesome big brother and dotes on Aaminah. He is creative, hardworking, selfless and is taller than me now!!!

Yes, all that AND a sense of humor and self-confidence masha'Allah! :-)

Hmmm which is Alex? The one pretending to be camera-shy. :-)

I mentioned Aaminah's kohl/kajal addiction. Let me explain. I love to use real kohl. To clarify, not the medicinal kind that burns (ya Allah, I used it once!!! lol) just a beautiful dark natural kohl. I didn't like the last type I had (that I bought in UAE) and I saw a recommendation for Rani kohl. I bought some online, the thick paste kind and I'm in love! It goes on nice and dark, doesn't seem to smear as much as the loose powder type, and I love the applicator stick in it.

Aaminah masha'Allah sits still and opens her eyes and lets me draw the thin applicator stick between her lids. It's so cute, masha'Allah, how she wants to be like mama. I also bought some perfume from the same online seller Islamestore. I ended up getting a fragrance called "mokhalat" and another that smells of yasmine (my husband loves the smell!). I don't care as much for the yasmine but Aaminah loves it. I really like the mokhalat; it has a high note of rose (which I dont' typically care for) but the undertones of saffron and something else is just too yummy. I really enjoy it.

Anyway Islam e-store is a seller on eBay. I bought the kohl for my eyes, henna for my toes, and 2 bottles of oil fragrance. It came to about $25, the shipping was fast and I had great communication from them as well. (I forgot to specify which perfumes and they emailed me promptly to remind me to pick.)

I also got 2 hijabs for the girls. They both needed a dressier one and my stepdaughters do tend to like amira hijabs. I bought these two gathered lycra amira hijabs, which for Hafsa and lavendar for Zainab. The price was $15 each plus free shipping from Izdihar Boutique another eBay seller. I was pleased with them, they are long enough to be modest (cover the chest) and are well made masha'Allah.

 OK I think I caught ya'll up! To recap, Aaminah is too-cute in hijab, Alex is growing up faster than I can comprehend, and I can recommend from my experience the 2 above sellers. :-) Not too shabby for a quick Saturday morning post. :-) Ma salaama ya'll!

My odd vocabulary

This is from 2006 when I first converted to Islam. My boys are now taller than I am masha'Allah!

A'salaamu alaikum ya'll. How many of you have odd speech mannerisms (not talking Tourette's here), little odd tidbits you've picked up here and there? Well I was just sitting here and one of them popped into my mind so I'm gonna compile a little LIST hehe so I can share them with ya'll. Here we go:


1. You welky. Yep, welky. Compliments of baby Zack around the age of 2. It's his interpretation of "You're welcome". Oh and iffen ya don't like baby talk, just ignore this post because I am sure most of my weird/funny words come from them. :-)

2. It's emba'istin. Another Zack classic, this time his personal take of "It's embarassing". It's probably embarassing that my sister and I STILL use it, even in the company of non-family strangers. Uh yeah.

3. Lallooo. Aaminah at age 1 trying to say "I love you.". I still get texts from A stating how much he adores me in this term. :-) Masha'Allah.

4. Eshay feffay. Ya Allah, this one IS emba'istin. :-D This is purely, PURELY my own made up word. Often said in a type of sigh when I'm super tired or in place of "I can't be bothered, whatever." Uh huh. This one is really just kinda weird. Don't know where it came from but it delights my sister and friends to no end when I utter it.

Actually this was a dialysis-era word that was born from my utter exhaustion, during the time when even 3 steps were too hard to climb in one go. So all things considered, eshay feffay is not so embarassing. ;-)

5. Rabby bunnits. This is Aaminah's uber-cute take on the phrase "bunny rabbit". How much cuter is hers???

6. Hitch in my git-a-long. Mmm. Not sure on the etymology of this one; has anyone heard it before? I like to use this when my back/hip is causing me to walk in a twisted manner reminiscent of the Hunchback of Notre Dame (herniated disc between L5 & L4 plus compressed vertbrae, fun fun!) This injury is actually a result of my peritoneal dialysis; what a great momento, along with my "2nd belly button" looking scar from the tube. Ah good times, good times!

7. I'm smarter than I am nice.  Masha'Allah this was a quote from Alex when he was about 3 or 4. I told him, "It's ok. Because you cannot be any more intelligent than the way you were born, but you can work on being nicer".  I don't remember alot of the cute words he said because I had my stroke when he was just 3 months old. Funny how it wiped out sooo much of his early life in my memory. :-( Insha'Allah I'll ask his father for some of the words he remembers.

I remember a lot of THINGS but words, funny ways of saying things, just aren't coming to me. When asked what he wanted to be when he grew up he promptly and confidently replied: "A chef. Or a bird." LOL So I have lots of anecdotes but can't really remember some other things. Anyway onward....

8. This isn't really vocabulary but its a funny speech mannerism. My friend, we'll call her L (as in Sr. Lisa!!!!) and I like to sing, operatically, everyday ordinary conversations. It's hilarious to us and a never-ending source of amusement to her little girl, Aliyah. I now share this proud tradition with Aaminah and we will sing whatever nonsense we see going on in the world around us.

For example: "Do you see that light? That light pole that is tilted? It's going to fall." (Imagine my falsetto voice which is normally an alto. :-) Aaminah replies: "That light will fall on us?" in very cute sing song. OK you get the idea. Oh and I do assure her it won't fall on her because I won't park under it. lol

9. The bees. When Zack was little he couldn't pronounce the "oy" sound. So toys were tees and boys were... yep you guessed it, bees. So when I would talk about my pair of sons I would say the bees. And yes, my sister, to this day, also refers to my strapping sons that way. :-)

10. Zac-a-wee, Zac-a-bee. One of Alex's first words was his older brother's name. Of course, I mean how many times a day would he hear that? lol He said it sooo cute masha'Allah, sing-song, zack-uh-BEE, Zack-uh-Wee! It makes me smile to remember it!!!!!

Alright there are probably more but that's all I can think of for now. Enjoy! Please share any weird-isms ya'll have in your family vocabulary. :-)

The love for our children

A'salaamu alaikum ya'll. To those of you with children, have you ever wondered at the extent of the love we have for our children? How we can have so much emotion for these tiny little bodies that we bring forth, in pain and hope, into a world of uncertainty? How we can be so content when a sticky chubby hand simply reaches out to hold our own? How we can feel such a bittersweet tugging at our heart when a sweet, small voice says, "I love you mama"? How proud we feel as we watch them grow, going through their own struggles, and watch them emerge as capable, caring young adults?

Really it is incredible, miraculous, and awe-inspiring. Before I was a mother I had no idea, honestly. I couldn't even fathom the depth of feeling I would be capable of, how the mere thought of my child in danger would bring out a ferociousness in me, like a tigress unleashed. Or how a small memory, insignificant to most, could make me laugh and cry, simultaneously? I would unhesitatingly give my life for that of any of my children. They can make us crazy sometimes, they can frustrate us and more than anyone else they can bring a joy and lightness that can make our bleakest day a little brighter.

The amazing thing is that I am not some super-mom of love. I am just that, a mother. Subhanallah. I am grateful to be a woman, to be a wife, to be a mother. It is a blessing from Allah that I have been GIFTED with these three beautiful, amazingly different yet similiar children. They are an amanah from Allah and I try to be thankful to Him, ar-Raheem, for this wonderful thing he has entrusted me with.

I'm just feeling kinda nostalgic tonight, missing my sons but so sooo happy for the blessing of them and Aaminah in my life. I truly cannot imagine my life without them, nor do I want to. I no longer have visions of grandeur for myself; I made sacrifices for my children and I did it GLADLY, not so in years to come I could say, "You don't know what I gave up for you!!!". Nope, guilting ain't my way and I was and still am very happy for any decision I made that was good for my babies. 17, 13 and 2. Masha'allah, subhanallah, wa alhamdulillah!!!

Please anyone want to share a "loving my kid" story please do so. I would be happy to read them. :-) Ma salaama ya'll.

Pictures from my trip to Tennessee!

Aliyah and Aaminah cheesin' it up... with kohl on!



Alex running in his last cross-country race of the season; look at his hair fly!



This is Aaminah's first time seeing her big brother Zack in 9 months. She loved him from the first minute she saw his face!

At the restaurant, Alex and Aaminah bonding again! So sweet masha'Allah!



What a bunch of weiners! LOL My sis just opened a restaurant (a spin-off of their wildly popular "Best Hot Dog in East TN" hot dog cart) and we were dressing the part in some of the Groovy Dawg's props.



Leave of absence

A'salaamu alaikum ya'll. I'm leaving tomorrow to head back to K-town, Knoxvegas, Knoxville. Whatever you call it, that's where I'm going. I can't wait to see my family and friends again. I even planned my trip so I'd have 2 Fridays there so I could attend my old masjid for jumah prayer. I think I put that in a previous post but I'm too lazy to fact check. Just thought I'd add it again.

My baby (well my baby boy) Alex has a cross-country race on Tuesday evening. I am really excited I get to be a part of that and experience it with him. I am very proud of my sons; they are just awesome boys. They were very close to Aaminah before we moved and I am eager for all 3 of them to get reconnected too. My dream, my goal, is for my family to move back to Knoxville. I like Hudson; its very pretty here and nice weather although I don't know how I'll drive in the snow!!! But my heart is in East TN along with my sons.

It's about 10:30 pm here right now and I've been busy all day. Because I had been sick last week and in the hospital I had quite a bit of laundry to put away and then more to do. Clean the bathroom, make dinner for A and the kids for tomorrow; I really don't want him to have too many burdens from my trip. He's being great about it but I know it's a hardship for him to have to take care of his 3 while working, with me and Aaminah gone. Insha'allah I'll enjoy my trip but enjoy coming home as well!

I made this little "card" for him as well as some small sentiments. I gussied 'em up on Word and printed them out to hide in little places. One in his sock drawer, one in the shower, and one.... maybe in the mailbox. :-) Better put it in an envelope if I don't want the mailman reading. :-) Actually they are all in Arabic so obviously I was limited in what I said. I think I used "ya habib", and "my husband, my life" and "I love you, habib" or something like that. A found a neat website that lets you type arabic phonetically and it converts it to Arabiy. Masha'Allah nice and now I can leave little Arabic love letters around the house. Sweet....

Alrighty, I better go. I need to make sure I got all my last minute things packed. Please make du'a for me that my trip goes smoothly ( I have an rx for meclizine for motion sickness yes!!!) and that our visit is lovely and just long enough. :-)

Ma salaama.....

Go to sleep, go to sleeeeeeep!

A'salaamu alaikum ya'll. A four hour nap does not a sleepy girl make. Now Aaminah is wiiiiide awake and it's almost 11 pm. I didn't realize she had slept so long and I left to run an errand. A didn't realize either but guess who is up with her? lol Of course Mama.

I am also considering going back to finish my degree. Maybe I am the person who has been in school the longest without completing anything; what a recognition. lol I originally started university directly after high school but wasn't able to complete the semester. I was already sick then but didn't know it and I just couldn't focus. I mean my grades were awesome, all As but come on, they were easy classes. I had no drive, no ambition and it really wasn't like me.

Fast forward about 5 years. Zack was 3 and I felt he was old enough for me to attempt again. I was working full-time at TN school for the deaf and went to school on weekends. I did Anatomy and Physiology I and II plus some other small classes. I had a 3.8 GPA masha'Allah all while working full-time and being a mommy and wife. Then I got pregnant with Alex and put it on hold again.

Returned when he was two and completed a year but my kidneys had failed by then and I was on dialysis. Just got too sick, had too many surgeries, same old story. :-)

Transplant was 2002 and that same year I decided to fast-track (due to divorce) and just go for my LPN and later work on my RN. However 6 months into the program, you guessed it, I ended up missing too many hours and had to drop out.

So now my health is somewhat stable (if you dont think of my multiple infections and hospitalizations this past year) and I realllllly want to finish my degree. If I ever go overseas for an extended period I could help our family insha'Allah.

Please make dua that Allah makes this easy on us amin and I am able to start AND finally finish. Amin amin amin! :-)

Ma salaama!

Moments we never forget

A'salaamu alaikum ya'll. We all have those moments in life, that seem common-place at the time, that we never forget.

Once in the 7th grade (25 yrs ago I think) I was sitting in my classroom. It was an old part of the school with worn wooden floors and high ceilings. The sun was shining through the window, the door was open to let in a breeze, and I was reading Jean Auel's "Clan of the Cave Bear". I remember thinking how exquisitely perfect that day was and suddently thought, will I remember this day, this feeling?

I did. :-)

With Zachary, my oldest, I can see as clearly as if it were yesterday, playing outside our apartment with him, laying on the green grass and singing the "Baby Zachary" song to him that I had made up. I can feel the sun and smell the fresh-cut grass.

My memories for Alex are different, muddled. I had a stroke when he was 3 months old and had alot of personal upheaval at the time. I don't have as many specific moments but I can recall vividly his spirit. So kind, so loving, gentle with anything smaller or weaker than himself. However when he was 2 I remember him collecting an entire quart-size ziploc bag of acorns. He always loved little treasures; leaves, feathers, shiny rocks. A collector of all things that are precious to a small child. :-)

I had another moment today. I was playing with Aaminah and she was laying down and I was over her, tickling her little baby-fat belly. She looked up at me and said, "I like you". Masha'allah. Then she said, "I love you". Really I have tears in my eyes now as I recount it. Insha'Allah this will be one of those moments I never forget.