She would have been 53

It is Won's birthday today.

Here's a photo from when we were dating.  We were at a restaurant in Seoul, visiting some of Won's friends.  This was in the spring of 1986.  See the '80's style perm that Won's sporting?

Damn, we were young.

How I left Christianity

I've written about some of this before... I was stationed at Barstow California back in 1993, and my wife and I had gone to visit my family at their apartment in San Diego. During that visit, we had a knock at the door by some Jehovah's Witnesses. (You can read about that here.)

I'm the one who answered the door, and that's how I met a couple and their daughter.

Instead of saying "No thanks" and shutting the door, I instead decided to talk to them. And I realized that they were very passionate about their beliefs - I found it amazing that they would be so passionate over something - that to me - seemed so obviously false.

My life became very busy soon after that.  We left the Air Force and moved to Stockton California, where I transitioned to being a civilian and got a job at a security manufacturing company.  We also opened our own children's clothing store.  Not long after that - about 10 months - we realized that the store wasn't going to make it.  I also found out my company was going under.  So I found a much better job in Fresno and we moved again.  My wife went to school full time, and I started going to school part time as an engineer.

And we got online.

I had used the Internet before the World Wide Web existed - in the days when you used a teletype emulator in order to visit different IP addresses.  I had been a member of the GEnie Internet portal in Okinawa, and I had an email address on MILNET even before that.  I was active on Usenet.

But HTML changed everything.  It made the Internet accessible.  And search engines made it searchable.  (Go Lycos and Yahoo!)

Before I had tried going to the library to investigate cults, and I'd run into literature that wasn't very useful.  Let's face it, the Barstow and Stockton libraries are not that comprehensive.  Fresno State's library was better.  The Internet led me to discussion groups about cults, where people could recommend better books.  I could ask the local libraries to find and bring those books for me.  I could order them too.

I spent about 6 months investigating Jehovah's Witnesses, another 3 months or so on the Latter Day Saints (the Mormons).  And then I confused Christian Science with another group, and found myself investigating Scientology.

I found the level of crazy in Scientology to be fascinating!  I joined the Usenet group alt.religion.scientology right after the start of the Scientology vs the Internet "war" when Scientology lawyer Helena Kobrin tried to delete the whole ARS usenet group.  I followed the Scientology war up until about 2008, after the arrest of protester Keith Henson.

But even from the beginning I was amazed at the level of dirty tricks used by Scientologists.  And that led me to other restrictive cults, such as The Family, Mormon Fundamentalists, Christian Nationalism and Christian Dominionism, the Unification Church, the Children of God, and of course the Branch Davidians and later Heaven's Gate.

I had copies of Steven Hassan's "Combating Cult Mind Control" and Margaret Singer's "Cults in our Midst".  And there was a wealth of websites even in the mid to late '90s about destructive cults.

After the Heaven's Gate suicide in 1997, I remember thinking to myself that cults were so destructive.  "It's a good thing that MY religion is the Truth!"  And then I had a great idea.  I'd compare my religion, that of mainline Protestantism, with these other cults - and demonstrate just how true it really was.

It didn't go well for me.

First, original sin is a serious problem.  How can an all-knowing being NOT know that the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil would be a temptation of Adam and Eve?  Next was the issue of sin - if God is perfect, then why did the laws of what was sinful change from the Old Testament to the New Testament?  After that I learned about biblical textual criticism, and learned about the problems with the Pericope Adulterae - in that it originally wasn't part of the Gospels!  This led me to learn that no one knows who actually authored the Gospels, and that the earliest manuscripts (which are not the originals) came from a generation after the supposed death of Christ.

I brought these issues to my pastor, who told me that I would receive answers in prayer.  I spent a lot of time praying, but my doubts became worse.

I followed the example of pastor David Wilkerson, author of "The Cross and the Switchblade" - and followed the teachings of Jesus in Matt 21:21-22 (among other places) that if asked in prayer, with faith, we will receive an answer.  I followed Gideon's example in Judges 6:36-40, and asked God for a sign that Christianity - or any religion - was true.

I did this daily, for weeks.

I finally came to the point where I had to admit, the way the Christian church acted was little different than the way most cults acted.  They sought intelligent people as members, and then used specious reasoning to explain away problems with teachings.  The holy book was deeply flawed.  And God (or Jesus) wasn't answering.

I had one more reason to remain a believer in God.

As a Christian I had, on many occasions, experienced The Holy Ghost.  I had lost this feeling during my period of doubt, which was actually a point in the favor of me remaining Christian.  If I returned to my faith, perhaps I could reclaim the attention of The Holy Spirit.

But by this time, I had learned so much about other religions that I realized that many opposing religious people had similar experiences.  I had also learned enough about human psychology to realize that humans were very good at fooling ourselves.  I had an idea - maybe I could recreate the Holy Spirit experience through meditation.

I was successful.  I could re-experience the Holy Spirit at will.  That was the end of my Christianity, sometime around 1998.

I didn't call myself an atheist immediately.  Atheism was still mostly "in the closet".  There was a discussion forum for atheists on the Secular Web which I stayed away from because its web address was infidels.org - which seemed blasphemous in a scary way.  Instead I started reading the discussion forum at James Randi's website, and started calling myself "agnostic".

I learned that my uncle was an atheist, and he asked me why I was "on the fence" - since I was using the word "agnostic" to mean that I didn't know what was true.  He pointed me toward what I would later learn is called "implicit" or "weak" atheism.

I started learning about campus non-believer groups, so I first searched for such a group at my university, and when I didn't find one, I started one.  Called the CSUF Freethought Society.  It was hard going to school, working full time, and keeping the group going, so it fell apart in 2002.

After that, I tried to find a local skeptical / atheist organization to become a part of.  I looked around and found the Unitarian Universalists - which didn't fit what I wanted.  I also found the Humanists of San Joaquin Valley - who was meeting at the UU church.  I had by this time learned that I agreed with Secular Humanism more than I agreed with mainstream Humanism, so this didn't seem like the group I wanted to join.

So again I created a new group.  I started a Meetup group for Fresno atheists and other freethinkers in 2002.  That gradually evolved into an atheist group, which eventually combined with my friend Richard's skeptics group.

We met together once a month, casually, for several years.  Until we decided that we wanted to become more active in the community.  So we founded the Central Valley Alliance of Atheists and Skeptics in 2008.  And I started blogging in 2006.

Since my deconversion from Christianity, I've been told that I can receive proof of God just through prayer.  And I have always taken those suggestions at face value.  If you want to pray with me to find God, I'll happily do so.  And I'll be as sincere as I know how to be.  Honest.

All it will take to change my mind is evidence.

Checking in on Ronald Lee Darsey again...

Notice the cameo jacket?  He got that from Army Surplus!

Just checked in on Ronnie again.  He's still in Conroe, still at the same halfway house.  He's got a new photo - in it you can see he's grown out his beard again.  Ronnie grows a beard to hide his weak chin.  Now, he just looks homeless.

One of the things I learned very quickly when Ronnie came into our lives was that he used to be in the Army.

He loved the Army, and told us about his enlistment.  He was stationed in Germany, he had to work hard, he was part of the motor pool.  He had a dog while in Germany.  Boot camp was tough.

And of course he said I would never make it in "real life", that the military was tougher than I could handle.  He usually called me "Boy" while saying this.  He pronounced "Boy" with two syllables.

He wasn't in the Army for long... about 2 years if I recall correctly.  He was not a combat vet, he had a cushy assignment in Germany.  He bragged about his time in the military, but he didn't have much to say about it.

After Ronnie and Mom married, he got a dog and named her Fräulein -  the German word for "young lady".  It was another reminder that he was a world-traveling ex-soldier.

Ronnie always wore Army jackets.  It was another reminder that he was in the Army.  He told us that they were issued to him by the Army.  They didn't have insignia or name tape on them.   They were the standard olive drab jackets that were common before the US military adopted the camouflage battle dress uniform in the 1980's.

Ronnie has been wearing military jackets for as long as I can remember.  And after I joined the military I realized he was just another wannabe military poseur.  The cameo jacket he's posing in during his latest court mandated sexual predator mugshot is "US Woodland" - part of the Battle Dress Uniform that wasn't issued by the US Military until the early 1980's, almost a decade after Ronnie's very brief stay with the Army.

Ronnie has always tried to cultivate this image of a capable person, experienced, a veteran who can handle himself in a fight.  It's all a facade... a fake.  And when he encounters someone with real ability or power Ronnie folds up like a wet newspaper.

Ronnie's longest commitment was the 15 years he's spent in prison for molesting children.  He should be wearing an orange jacket.

Christianity; unplugged

I read an analogy that I found appropriate.

Being on the outside and looking in at Christianity is like being unplugged from "The Matrix".

Everyone who is "plugged in" lives in a world where a deity rules supreme, where angels and Satan exist, where the saved mingle with the saints, and the unsaved are forgotten - or worse, they are NOT forgotten!

But outside, there are those of us who look at this complex inner life, and can do very little to change it.  We can talk, we can yell.  It doesn't matter. As Cypher said, "Ignorance is bliss."

I won't strain the analogy by talking about pills of various colors, and whether or not it is a sign of intelligence to be on the inside, or the outside of this belief system.

But I will say that being on the outside has been very rewarding.

I am responsible for my own actions.  I'm not "gifted" - no deity gave me anything.  I have some talent, and some hard won skills, and a lot of luck and support from those who love me.  What I've accomplished I can have pride in, and I can be grateful to those people who have invested in my future.

I don't have a mental peeping Tom.  That realization alone was extremely valuable to me.  In the privacy of my thoughts, I'm allowed to be unkind, to be jealous, to be angry.  I'm allowed to feel, and not feel guilty for feeling.  I spent almost 3 decades believing that my thoughts were monitored, in a real "tinfoil hat" manner.  I was being judged by a deity who knew my least charitable thoughts.

That's gone.  And it is freeing!  And yes, I know that my actions are informed by my thoughts, so I do try to keep good mental hygiene.  But at the same time, I'm allowed to give myself some space to be outraged, to be unkind, to throw my own pity-party.  I just keep it short, and then get over it.  I didn't realize how much I stressed over this silliness.

I've lost my fear of Hell.  That gave me nightmares as a believer.  Even as someone who can lucid dream, some nightmares hurt before I could bring them under control.  With that worry gone, my dreams are much less Armageddon-ish.

All in all, my life is much less stressful outside the Matrix.  It is more relaxed.  There is no "God-shaped hole" in my life.  And there is no more fear there either.

Ten Year anniversary of the Calladus Blog!

Can you believe it?  As of today I've had this blog online for ten years!

Way back when, in 2003, I started a website called, "The Calladus Project" on Tripod.  It was about some of my thoughts, and I used it to play with wysiwyg HTML editors.  I wrote several pieces there, but didn't touch much on the themes of skepticism and atheism.

I quickly ran into the limitations of HTML and HTML tables, and in creating multiple pages and a table of contents to jump to each new posting.  Frankly, it was a dinky website that was becoming claustrophobic.  And since I was holding down a full time job AND going to school at the time, I wasn't about to use HTML to invent the "next new thing".

So in 2005 I shut down my tripod page.  I left a sign there, to indicate I was moving.  And I started "The Calladus Blog" right here on Blogger.

I created a brand new first post in which I mentioned the new podcast, "Skepticality".  I also wrote about how terrible it was that people believe that humans in the past just are not smart enough to invent and build wondrous things.

In 2005, three years before California Proposition 8 was implemented, and ten years before the Supreme Court ruling that same sex marriage is constitutional, I made the prediction that same sex marriage was inevitable.  I based this upon the fact that same sex couples were already raising children, and that these children were more accepting of same sex couples.  I did not mention that friends and relatives of these children, and friends and relatives and parents of gay children are also more accepting of homosexuality and of LGBT rights.  I didn't mention that this was a form of positive feedback that would continue to grow.  I think I knew this argument at the time, but didn't include it.

In August 2005 I purchased the domain names calladus.com and calladus.net.  I set them up as a redirect, so if you put those into your browser address bar, you'll end up back here at my blog.  If for some reason my blog ever disappears, try using those addresses and see if you get to a new destination.

My first post to gain lots of attention was a humorous post I made about a very unfortunate Gecko.  It also gained me a friend that I've never met in person, but hold great respect and admiration for.  (Hi Sumi!)

Here are a few of my most popular posts over the last ten years:

• I explain crystals to a young woman who works in a pyramid
• I explain why "Sin" is a victimless crime
• I teach Christians how to witness to atheists
• I respond to a spokesperson for the group Answers in Genesis
• I create my own non-believer's symbol - the Fleur-de-pensée
• I explain why "I don't know" is an honest, scientific answer
• I discuss the benefits and problems of a National ID Card
• I explain exactly why Jonah ran away from God

The one post that gets absolutely the most traffic on my blog is, Testing the Counterfeit Money Detector Pen by DriMark.  This post was created in response to a Skeptic's Circle contest held in September 2006, and hosted that month by Dr. Janet Stemwedel.  You can find Dr. Stemwedel at her blog, "Adventures in Ethics and Science" - where she's still doing great things.

Traffic to my Counterfeit Money page comes mostly from Google searches, or from links in various web forums that talk about counterfeit money - from both sides of the law.  I am somewhat amused that I get just as much referrals from police and law abiding people warning about DriMark as I do from people who are attempting to create "funny" money.

Looking back at that post, I can see that the formatting didn't change gracefully when I made blog changes.  I may re-make the entire post to make it prettier.

I am proud that one of my posts has actually been cited in a few different semi-scholarly places.  That post was in response to Tony Perkins, President of James Dobson’s Christian lobbying organization “Family Research Council".  Mr. Perkins stated in March 2007 that there are "stacks of peer-reviewed research" that show abstinence only education is effective.

Due to Mr. Perkin's statement, I started reviewing the "peer-reviewed research" that he cited.  And I found that it was all a sham - a facade created out of whole clothe to give people against birth control something to point at.  I wrote up what I found in a post called, "Let's examine the proof that Abstinence Only education programs actually work".

Some of the posts that I'm the most proud of have to do with the intersection of religion and human rights.  Specifically how some religious positions limit human rights.  The post that most demonstrates this is, "If Abortion is murder, coffee is manslaughter".  In this post I explore the implications of declaring humans to exist as persons under the law from the moment of conception.  If a blastocyst has the same rights as a born human, then how shall we treat those women who are guilty of the death of their unborn through criminal negligence?  Later, I followed this post up with, "Abortion vs. Personhood" - which further clarifies terms, and explains why the chance of miscarriage can increase due to a woman's actions.  This leads to grave implications if a zygote is legally the same as a born person!

As an atheist, my blog contains questions and responses to Christians.  Of course, I'm not a "big name" atheist, so I get relatively little discussion.  Still, I have to ask.  For example, how can anyone be happy in Heaven if there is a Hell?  Or how about this, if an atheist can recreate the experience of the Holy Spirit at will, what does that say about people who base their faith upon this experience?  Here's another question - if you try to witness people into a religion, what happens when that religion is proved false?  In this case, it can be both funny, and extremely sad.

And I answer questions that have been put to me.  "What do you believe?"  "Why do you discuss atheism", and my favorite, "What's the point of life if you're an atheist?  Why bother?"

I've tried to inform and teach in my blog from time to time.  I'm very much interested in art, and most love Romantic Realism.  Over a 3 year period from 2005 to 2008 I posted "Friday in the Atelier" about art that I love.  I also posted a 3 part series called, "What is Art?" where I explained the difference between the skill of Pierre-Auguste Cot, the unskilled "happy accident" produced by Jackson Pollack.  And I speak about Pablo Picasso - who had skill but decided to use as little of it as possible so it wouldn't interfere with the time he spent with wine and women.

One of my informational posts that gets heavy traffic is about the aggressive selling tactics shown by members of the Core Gas Aggregation program.  These are the people who knock on your door and say, "Hi!  I'm from PG&E!  Can I look at your latest PG&E bill?"  My take is that if you have to lie to sell your product, then you don't deserve the sale.

There's been drama in my blog.  Frankly, I wish I could have avoided the whole "Possummomma" affair.  I am left saddened and confused by my friendship with Chris - who is no longer communicating with old friends.  I haven't heard from her in years now - although I see occasional updates on Facebook.  I am still not making any conclusions on the matter, one way or the other.  But because of this drama I have become much more wary of offering assistance to any blogger.

And that is sad, because I've been the beneficiary of assistance when I needed it most.  On the death of my late wife, Won Chong, I received over $3,000 from very kind people all over the world - which helped me fly to Korea and bring Won back home.  That was a dark time for me, and my blog updates dropped off dramatically after that.

I've had other dark spots in my blog.  Not quite as traumatic, but traumatic at the time.  For example, when my dog Leena died - it shook me deeply.  From my point of view now, it seems like the foreshadowing of Won's death.

There's been bittersweet.  Losing my dog Tasha, just after proposing to my wife Wendy.  That is also a whiplash of the heart.  Wendy and I have recently lost another dog due to old age.  I've yet to write about her, but I expect that I will.  I've heard it said that owning a pet was owning delayed heartbreak.

But there has also been healing.  Finding out that my scumbag ex-stepfather was in jail for his crimes was extremely healing for me and my sister.  And knowing that my sister had some part in putting him there made us both do a fist-pump of triumph.

And buying a house together with Wendy has also been amazingly great.  I had not thought that I'd ever be married again, but I lucked out and found a perfect mate.

My blog posting hasn't increased to the point where it was before 2010.  But that's for mostly happy reasons.  I'm a homeowner, a newlywed, and more active in my hobbies of woodworking and aquaponics.  I have also started researching several possible books, and have been writing a little.  I hope to become more serious about that.

I do write in a much more trivial manner, much more often, on Reddit.  Look me up as Calladus there to see what I've written.  Don't expect too much of it to be very profound.

And now, at the ten year mark, the question remains.  Do I continue blogging?

Yea, whenever I think I have something to say, I'll blog about it here.  It probably won't be amazing, and I will probably never have a large audience.  But it will always be what I'm thinking about.  And it may occasionally be profound.

A quick check in on Ronnie

So Ronnie got out of prison in September 2013.  What's he been up to since then?

First, he is required to check in with the Texas Department of Public Safety sex offender registry once a quarter for the rest of his life.  They take photos of him and update his other information at this time.

From his latest photo, you can see he is really working on covering up his receding chin with his beard.  His hair looks mussed... which is interesting because he was usually very careful about keeping it neatly combed.

He's not wearing a military surplus jacket.  Maybe it just wasn't that cold when this photo was taken.  Or maybe because it is difficult for Ronnie to claim they were issued to him while in the Army... 40 years ago.  He's 63 years old at this point.

When he was released, the TDPS listed his new address at a religious rescue operation called, "New Birth Outreach Ministries".  This facility has 24 beds, and supports the homeless, battered men and women, and veterans.  They don't seem to support families or children, which is a good thing considering that Ronnie is a pedophile.  New Birth has been in business since 2006, and is run by a minister and his wife.

The street address for "New Birth" is still listed as his place of residence.  So I think he is either living there full time, or is partly homeless with his home address at this location.

So now I'm wondering if he has dropped the, "I used to be Army so I'm confident and capable and know everything" shtick he used to snow everyone with.  Perhaps now his new thing is, "poor (almost) homeless veteran".  I wouldn't put it past him.

When I knew Ronnie, he was a skilled chameleon.  He could be very charming at the drop of a hat.  He could seem very sincere when he was playing someone.  I can't see him letting those skills go to waste.  If it meant 3 hots and a cot, I could see Ronnie being very sincere while in Church on Sunday.

The reason why I think he is actually living there full time is that Ronnie was never lazy - he was industrious, and he had that "good ol' boy" attitude and ability to work hard and be handy with lots of things.  He would make himself useful around the ministry.

You can find him on the Texas Sex Offender Registry.

It's been 5 years

Five years ago today, I got a phone call early in the morning from one of Won's friends in Korea.  The words were brief, and high impact.

"Hello?  Mark?  Won Chong is dead!"

Those words threw my life into an immediate whirlwind.  I didn't have time to absorb the shock.  I didn't grieve - I was just numb.

It was early morning, Sunday, January 3rd.  (Just after Midnight, January 4th in Seoul)  I spent the day arranging flights, finding a sitter for my pets, and telling my apartment manager to not expect rent until I got back.  I borrowed some money from a friend.  The next morning, January 4th, I went into work, and took emergency time off.  I was on the plane out of Fresno to LAX before 10 AM.

When you fly from California to Seoul, you lose a day.  I landed in Seoul on the morning of the 6th, and took a shuttle bus from the Inchon Airport to the hospital and morgue in Saedaemoon, Seoul.

That was a long, cold, bus ride.  South Korea had been hit hard by snow over the weekend.  Seoul was literally digging its way out - people on the street with shovels were following garbage trucks with chains on their tires, shoveling in ice so it could be hauled away.  The highways were clear though, snow plows had cleared the snow from them continuously.

A lot has happened since then.  I've mourned, I've remembered, and I started healing.

And I fell in love again.  I got married.  I bought a house.  I started my life over.  And on 10 December 2014, my company laid me off, along with a lot of other engineers, in a bid to staunch their flow of red ink.

I think being laid off, and the recent very cold weather here in Fresno has brought back my haunted memories.  My life in late 2009 was very different from my life today.  I've grown so much since then.  If I had been laid off in 2009, it would have been an epic emergency.  Instead, now it is a nuisance, a mere inconvenience.

My... how things have changed!

I think it is time to tell the story of Won's cremation.

Ronnie is finally out of prison.

Here are before and after photos, from 2003 and when he got out this month in 2013.

The decade has not been good to him.

According to his records, he's lost weight too - down to 140 pounds at 5' 11".

His expression is much different.  I don't know if I should read much into it.

You can find him on the Texas Sex Offender Registry.  Of course, you can also find this website by merely Googling his name.

Will he reoffend?  I don't know for sure, but he has spent his entire adult life being a pedophile, and every psychologist and psychiatrist I've spoken with said that this type of pedophile will almost always offend again.

Seriously, I hope not. I hope Ronnie is able to do whatever it takes to become a better person.
Honestly, I have a hard time believing that he is capable of improvement. I think he is borderline, if not outright, a sociopath. I do not believe he can truly feel empathy - and I'm pretty certain he is incapable of any remorse other than that of being caught.

What was wrong with Won, final post

(Link to first post)

Once again we returned to the Sequoia hospital in Redwood City, this time her heart doctor cracked her chest, instead of doing a keyhole surgery as he had done before.  She received a metal heart valve.

Her recovery was very long.  She was released from Sequoia hospital within a week, but had to be re-admitted to Clovis Community hospital for complications due to Pleurisy.  She was there for almost a month of recovery.

About 6 months after her hospital stay, Won, her doctor, and I had a talk to her about her pain management regimen. The narcotics she was taking for pain were more than her primary care doctor thought was wise. He had a disagreement with her pain management doctor, who seemed to be over-prescribing pain medications.

I had remarked on more than one occasion that Won seemed addicted. She spent most of her time sleeping, or drowsing. But when she reduced the use of her drugs, the pain would drive her to tears. Even then, she had "good days" and sometimes several days in a row.

Won's primary care doctor did some amazing work for us, and he found a psychiatrist that specialized in pain management. His treatment program involved both spouses, and there were individual counseling sessions and group sessions.

We learned that Won's pain was neuropathic, and that it was exacerbated by emotion and well-being. Lack of sleep caused it to flair, but the pain kept her awake.

And then the doctor started teaching Won something that I've been doing unconsciously for much of my life.  When you are in pain, it is possible to not pay attention to it.  It is possible to meditate it away for a time.  Won called this a "pain vacation", and she could meditate until the pain disappeared.  It would be gone for a little over an hour, and for those first weeks Won used those times to take the first really restful naps in a long time.

She cut her pain medication down dramatically.  She still took a narcotic, but only a small fraction of what she had been using.

This brings us to the Spring of 2009.  

Won had lost weight.  She had learned to control her hypoglycemia, and she was recovering from being weak and in pain.  She was adjusting to the new normal of her second heart surgery - which included the use of a blood thinner called Coumadin.  She was also able to control pain without relying heavily on narcotics.  She was very weak, but we both felt her strength was improving.  

She became interested in the world again, and found some of her old high school friends through the Korean version of Facebook.  

She traveled to Seoul that summer to visit friends and family.  While there, she told me she was experiencing some little problem with her gums bleeding.  When she came home, she brought some traditional Korean herbal medicine with her - she told me that it gave her more energy, and she felt better when taking it.

Korean traditional medicine isn't like the Alternative medication that we're familiar with here in the USA.  Herbal medication in Korea has demonstrable effectiveness.  However care should be taken in choosing a practitioner, and care should also be taken in disclosing your medical history.  I don't think Won told the traditional herbalist about her medical history.

In late November, after we celebrated Thanksgiving in Portland with my mother and sister, Won returned to Seoul to visit her family and friends.  She was supposed to return Christmas week, but her airline offered her a cut-rate flight home if she flew on January 6th.  It was a good deal.

But two things were working against Won.

When we talked the weekend after Christmas, Won told me that her gums were bleeding again.  I asked her if she was taking Korean herbal medicine again, because I suspected that it might be the problem.  She said she was, and she also told me she was pretty sure that wasn't the problem.  I asked her to go to the hospital to make sure everything was okay.

Won told me that it was hard to get around due to the weather, but if her health got worse she would go anyway.

The weather got worse.  That was the second thing to go wrong.  Seoul Korea was experiencing the worst snow storm it had seen in over 70 years. 

From what I can figure out from her friends, she was in a friend's apartment in Seoul - she and several other friends were having dinner and talking about "old times".  Then Won started having problems breathing - I suspect she had liquid in her lungs.

Won collapsed.  Her friends called for an ambulance.  Due to the record heavy snows, it took the ambulance almost 20 minutes to drive two blocks.  Won was loaded aboard, and died in route to the nearest hospital emergency room.  I'm not sure her friends or the EMTs knew what was happening to her.  And I suspect that Won didn't think it was as serious as it really was.

Her doctor and I have pieced together what we think happened.  We think that the traditional herbal medication she was taking probably contained a blood thinner, which together with her current blood thinner caused bleeding of her gums, and stressed her heart.  It probably was responsible for fluid in her lungs.

She probably suffered congestive heart failure.  It is treatable, and if she had made it to the Emergency Room, her chances of living would have been very good.  But because of the snow, she never got that chance.

I don't think it had helped that over the years she had depleted her reserves.  She was skinny, and still weak from recovery.  It would have been smarter if we had waited another year before she went traveling.

It would have been smart if she didn't use Korean medication as a "pick me up" to improve her energy levels.

Hindsight is always 20-20.

I arrived in South Korea to claim her remains on January 4th, 2010.  She was cremated the day I arrived.  It was very surreal - but that's a story for another time.

Hold close the ones that you love.

What was wrong with Won, part 2

While I was stationed at Fort Irwin I was offered a large amount of money to leave the Air Force.  This was part of the Department of Defense drawdown, based in part to the fall of the Soviet Union.  I took it the offer, and was discharged at Nellis AFB, Las Vegas.

Won and I wanted to live in California, we wanted to open our own store.  The money was a good opportunity to do that.  My research led me to believe that Stockton California had a high percentage of wealthy people who might be interested in children's clothing.  I was both right and wrong - there are a lot of wealthy people in Stockton, but they work and shop in the Bay area.  I learned the definition of "bedroom community".

But we didn't lose our shirts.  I had a local job while we owned the store, but I decided to go job hunting again.  I found a great manufacturing job in Fresno / Clovis California, and so we closed the store and moved again.

At Fresno, we continued our search for a good heart doctor for Won.  We had little luck in Stockton, but in Fresno we met a great cardiologist, who sent Won to Stanford for some in-depth tests to find out why she had an enlarged heart.

The results of the test was that Won's Mitral valve was badly damaged - most likely due to a congenital problem.

It had taken almost two years to get to this point.  Won was in Fresno City college by now, and had a part time job at a Korean-owned laundrymat.  But we dropped all of that, and she was rushed to the Sequoia Hospital in Redwood City for heart surgery.  

Won had her Mitral Valve replaced with a porcine valve.  She was out of class for 3 weeks, and finished her semester with a "B" average.  That "B" ticked her off more than the surgery!

After her recovery, she went back to work at the laundry - but soon had to quit due to carpal tunnel syndrome.

Won just couldn't seem to get a break.  One health problem would be controlled, and another would become evident!

For example, before we discovered why her heart was faulty, we were investigating why she wasn't getting pregnant.  It turns out that Won had Polycystic Ovaries.  This is part of the reason why she was overweight and had diabetes.  The fertility doctor said he wouldn't assist us in her pregnancy until her heart doctor gave her a clean bill of health.  But she kept having other problems.

Won had carpal tunnel surgery to correct that problem, then she got sick with some sort of virus, and had difficulty breathing while sleeping at night.  That, plus her weight, turned into full blown sleep apnea.  She had her tonsils removed to help with that, and later was put on a CPAP machine.

Her weight increased, her blood pressure and diabetes got worse, and the doctors started talking about putting her on insulin.  Her doctor suggested weight loss surgery, so Won had a gastric bypass.  Her weight dropped dramatically, and her high blood pressure went away.  Unfortunately she became Hypoglycemic. I've seen her blood sugar as low as 40 mg/dl!  We started carrying glucose tablets everywhere.

Won's change in weight also affected old injuries.  When Won was 12 or 13, she was injured while playing with friends on the roof of an abandoned building in Seoul.  She shouldn't have been there - she was supposed to be studying.  Her gradmother was raising her, and grandmother was VERY strict about making sure she studied!  But Won had fibbed to her and was out goofing off.

Of course she fell through the roof of the building, fell almost 20 feet, and landed on her back.  Won told me that it hurt her pretty badly, and her friends had to help her home.  

She hid the whole thing from her teachers and her grandmother, even though she was in pain for a month.  She had minor back problems from then on, but as she approached 40, she started suffering from major back pain in the Lumbar and Sacral portions of her spine.  The pain grew increasingly unbearable, and over the counter pain killers couldn't touch it.

Won had several back surgeries to try to control this pain, starting with hormone shots to the spinal discs in that area, and continuing with Intervertebral disc annuloplasty and finally a Coccygectomy.  None of it alleviated the back pain, but her legs stopped going numb, so there was some benefit.  Her doctor sent her to a pain management specialist, who prescribed some pretty heavy narcotic painkillers.

By this time, by 2005, Won was in constant back pain, was bedridden for much of the day, was on heavy pain medication, and would sometimes have problems with hypoglycemia.  I became a part-time care-giver, and took over cooking, cleaning, and shopping.  Sometimes Won would have a "good day" and we would go out.  Sometimes it was several "good days" in a row.  And sometimes she could "force" a good day.  She paid for that with constant pain, and treated it with narcotics.

And then one day her porcine valve started to fall apart, and we rushed her to the hospital for another heart surgery.

So what was wrong with Won?

A lot of my posts about Won are me still dealing with her death.  This is a normal part of grief and acceptance.  I've remarried, and my wife Wendy is a wonderful person who understands about my memories of Won.

I'll note now that I'm unsure of the actual timeline.  What I've written is the best that I can recall.  I have all of Won's medical records, and might go through them to create the correct timeline.  But I won't promise to update these posts with the corrected timeline.

When Won and I were dating, I was impressed with her strength and stamina - she had no problem hiking up some of the scenic mountains in Korea, and she could actually outrun me - over short distances.  She was in track during her high school, but didn't keep up with it after she went on to college.

She had mentioned that sometimes she needed an occasional shot to treat her blood pressure.  At the time she believed that blood pressure didn't require maintenance drugs - South Korea during the late '80s was not renown for high quality medical treatment for everyone, and doctors there rarely prescribed maintenance medicines.  That was often left for traditional Korean medicine. 

After we married, I brought Won with me to my assignment in Okinawa.  As part of being a new dependant, the Air Force asked her to go through a health examination.  We put it off for a couple of months as we settled into our new apartment, but finally I took her to the on-base clinic.

What is the first thing a nurse does when checking you in for an appointment?  They measure your blood pressure.  Won was sitting on the chair with the nurse taking her blood pressure.  Then the nurse said something like, "that can't be right".  

She took her blood pressure again.  Then she got a different blood pressure cuff, a manual one - not the automatic machine she'd used before - and did it again.

Then she went and got a doctor.

They measured Won's blood pressure again.  The doctor brought Won into an exam room and told her she had to lay down NOW! 

By this point, we were very worried.  Won told me she didn't feel sick, but the doctors were clearly worried.  Apparently her blood pressure was extremely high.  So high that they told us that they were sure her internal organs were in the process of being damaged.  They gave her some sort of injection right then, and they got us blood pressure medications.

They almost admitted Won into the hospital that night, but our complaints, and the fact that Won was just 26 years old, convinced them otherwise.

The next few weeks were terrible for Won as her body adjusted to its "new normal" in regards to blood pressure.  She slept a lot, and felt pretty ill.

Going to the clinic quickly became a common occurrence for us.  Won was discovered to have Type II diabetes, which was also completely out of control.  She again went through a few weeks of illness as her body discovered another "new normal" in regards to blood sugar.  

The doctors found that she had protein in her urine - a sign of partial kidney failure.  But over the next year everything seemed to become stable, and Won enjoyed what seemed to be good health on the beautiful island of Okinawa.

And then one night, she woke gasping for air.  We could both hear the sound of liquid bubbling in her lungs as she breathed.  

Over the next year and a half, I took her to the emergency room on several occasions for these symptoms.  It took about 20-30 minutes to get up, drive to the Navy hospital at nearby Camp Lester, and be seen by their ER.  Every single time, by the time we had arrived, Won's symptoms had disappeared. 

The doctors suggested that she see a psychiatrist.  They wanted to prescribe an anti-anxiety medication.

Reluctantly, we decided that the military doctors in Okinawa were not giving her priority as a military dependent.  I decided it would be better if we moved to the States and looked for better doctors.

We moved to South California, and we started searching for better doctors.  But we lucked out at my assignment at Fort Irwin, where the wonderful Dr. Laird, Army Captain and internist, took a look at Won's chest X-Ray and diagnosed an enlarged heart.

"But she's only 29," said the radiologist.  "She CAN'T have an enlarged heart!"  Apparently Won's age had caused several radiologists to mis-diagnose her heart as "normal".  Her doctors in the past had taken the radiologist's word.  But THIS doctor ripped into the radiologist!

This doctor also told us that the Military would not be able to offer Won the help she needed.  She needed a specialist.

Possummomma - what I know for sure, what I guess, and what I won't tell you.

First, Here is what I know for sure.  My friend Chris is the divorced mother of 4 children, the oldest is 18 and a high school graduate, the youngest is about 7 or 8 now.  Chris owns a blog called "Atheist in a Minivan", and was the recipient of an atheist donation drive to purchase sun-blocking film for her home's windows to alleviate some of the symptoms of Lupus, namely Systemic lupus erythematosus.  Her husband filed for divorce in December of 2009, and fought for full possession of the kids.  He was successful enough in this to move with them across country.  Chris has been fighting for access to her kids since then.

On August 5th, 2008, my late wife and I met with Chris, her (then) husband, and their four kids, for a special outing for their youngest boy at the Fresno Chaffee Zoo.  Chris spent the day in a rental wheel chair being pushed by her husband, or by her oldest boy.  She wore sun-blocking clothing that she had purchased from some of money donated.  She also wore sun block, and reapplied it a couple of times during the outing.

During our time there, my wife and myself remarked that Chris seemed to be getting red, especially her face, but Chris said for us to not worry about it.  She was there for her youngest child, and had prepared as much as possible for this event.  She did try to stay in the shade.

At the end of the day, Chris returned the wheel chair, and we all stopped at the zoo gift shop.  Her husband used my camera to take some photos of me and my late wife, and we got a gift for the youngest child from the gift shop.  After that we went out to the parking lot to leave.  Chris' husband helped Chris to the car - basically he gave her an arm to lean on.

This is the only time I've met Chris in person, and our conversation (when she wasn't talking to her husband or kids) was light and friendly.  Her husband, and my wife were both religious, so I think our conversation was more about the zoo and about life than it was about atheism.

I have spoken to Chris since then on the phone, and somewhat often through email.  Since this time at the zoo, we have both had major life changes, and have not stayed much in touch. 

Here's what I can guess:  Does Chris have Lupus?  I'm not a doctor - so of course I cannot say for sure.  But her actions during our visit were those of someone who does suffer Lupus.  She did get pretty red - even with the sunblock.  

Over the last week I took the time to browse through several Lupus support forums, and I have found people with Lupus who have hiked the Appalachian Trail, who have kayaked with whales, and who garden.  I have learned that others cannot even stand fluorescent lighting - which will cause flare ups of symptoms.  And although rashes are the most visible Lupus reaction, the least visible reaction to UV light is joint pain, headaches, and a general feeling of illness.  Sometimes bad enough to require an ER visit.

As I've said before, the spoon theory of disease really seems to fit here.  The week after their outing, Chris did complain of being sick.  

Another thing I've learned from Lupus forums is that it can exhibit different subsets of Lupus symptoms in different people, it can fade or intensify, and that drugs can really help some people.  Light sensitivity is not a steady-state phenomenon - and drugs, together with sun block and perhaps an umbrella will help someone with Lupus seem normal... for a while.

From my own wife, I've seen demonstrated a day of fun in San Francisco, followed by a couple of days of bed rest.  The rest of the world saw my wife having fun and acting carefree.  I saw the all-too-routine hospital visits, the drugs, and the pain afterward.  Of course my wife did not have Lupus - she had a host of other problems.  I know or have known people with chronic illnesses who are willing to "pay the price" to seem to function normally for a while.

Is Chris able to 'save up spoons'?  Has her symptoms lessened?  I honestly don't know.  I'm not that close of a friend.  Not surprising, after my wife's death I wasn't much of a friend to a lot of people.  Could she pull the wool over my eyes?  Yes, but then so could many of my friends and acquaintances.  (My best friend tells me he paints buildings for a living, but I've never seen him paint anything!)

And here's what I won't tell you.  Chris has provided evidence to me and a few others that She's been the victim of what I would now call "false flag" actions.  I won't give details because they deal with people Chris trusted.  

Of course I know that saying "false flag" sounds somewhat paranoid, but I am watching people put together two different identities on the Internet, and claim that they are the same people, merely because one identity has the same IP address of another.  As an electrical engineer, I am quite familiar with how easy it is to spoof not only an ID, but an IP address or even a MAC address.  And the tools required to do this can found in minutes with a Google search, and can be mastered by any determined 14 year old.

An IP address cannot be used as the sole method of identifying anyone.  That's why it fails in the courts. 

And last I will admit that I am unable to say for certain that my friend Chris is not imitating someone else for nefarious reasons.  But it is not my burden to prove innocence.

I'm afraid that this is all I will be able or willing to offer in this.  Chris is finally able to visit her kids - so I'm not about to insist that she talk to me about this.  She can tell (or not) the world about her own problems in her own time.  


On a completely unrelated note... if you are one of several people who have been calling my phone number listed in my blog, I'm sure you'll understand if I don't answer at midnight or 4am.  Or if I'm driving.  I am a little irked that the callers have not left a message.  If I don't know your number, and I don't get a message, then the call was obviously not that important. 

Suddenly lots of interest in Possummomma again

Looks like a certain portion of the Internet conspiracy brigade is again trying to pin whatever they like to whomever they hate.  I've noticed a huge recent uptick in visits to any page on The Calladus Blog where Possummomma is mentioned.  So for your convenience, I've created a "possum" tag so you can see it all in one go.  

Just as a quick reference, yes, I've met Possummomma and her four kids.  I met her ex-husband (also known as a serious asshole for how he treated her during the divorce.)   I have never met Pennmomma, or the person who blogs in "razing Ruth".  I've studied the evidence presented to me that Pennmomma is Possummomma, and I believe it is fueled by conspiracy and lacks evidence.  

Yes, Possummomma has Lupus.  It's extremely obvious.  Yes, she has good days and bad days.  My late wife was ill too, and she and Possummomma had that in common - they talked about it during our zoo trip.  If you want to know what it is like to live with a persistent illness, read about the Spoon Theory.  That's my late wife.  That's Possummomma.  Saying something stupid like, "If she's got Lupus, how can she go on a hike?" just goes to show a lack of understanding.  Sometimes you use up too much energy doing something you believe is important, and you then pay for it later - by being exhausted and in pain.  You learn to accept your limitations and plan for them.  From what I've seen of Possummomma's social networking, she's been working hard to improve her health so she can visit her children, and do some of the other things she loves.  My wife did that too in the years before she died.

Possummomma's name isn't "Ruth" nor is it "Mary", nor is she, or ever has been part of Quiverfull.  (Although she wrote about quiverfull.  She's not a fan.)

What is sad is to see these desperate Internet crazies race to attack another person, and heap them together with someone else.  If you are one of these people, get a life.  Go outside.  Get some sun.  The worst thing about a conspiracy is that anything I do or say to try to convince you that there is NOT a conspiracy, will be seen as part of the conspiracy.  It's pathetic and it reeks of tinfoil hats.

Possummomma was a private person in the past because she was protecting her kids, who no longer live with her.  I am open about who I am, but in the past I was somewhat private to protect my late wife.  I am still very discreet about some parts of my life.  Still, it is easy to contact me.  For those who claim I'm a "sock puppet", I have since the beginning of the Possummomma fiasco told everyone that they could contact me whenever they like.  You can click on my name up there, and it will take you to my phone number.  You're welcome to call me.  But from past experience, I don't believe any conspiracy theorist will do so.

I will tell you now though, that by calling me you are consenting to be audio recorded, and I retain all rights to that recording.  I don't do this just for those calling about Possummomma, I do that because I'm an out atheist in a fairly conservative community, and having a phone number posted online sometimes results in hateful calls, so I use Google Voice to record those incoming calls.

 

15 July 2013

 It looks like it isn't quite as bad as I feared.  I no longer think it is "hate" that is driving this, although the conspiracy seems to be gaining a little traction - maybe we can stop that before it gains a life of its own.  There is a way to defuse the conspiracy - it takes a little real life effort, and not so much conjecture over coincidence.  We will see what happens.

It's been a long road, getting from there to here.

I've said that at some point I would start telling stories of my life with Won.  And I think I'll start with this story.

We had been married for 4 years, living in Okinawa.  Mostly our life together was happy, but one big worry was about Won's health.  She'd been diagosed with high blood pressure and diabetes, and the meds that were forcing her body to behave just kept her knocked out during the adjustment period. 

There was something else wrong too, but her doctors assured us that it was nothing.   I soon came to realize that doctors were not gods, they made mistakes.  It would be better if we got another opinion, with a non-military doctor.  So I declined my right to transfer "in place", and asked for an assignment stateside. 

There is something in the Air Force called a "Dream Sheet", you write down where you want your next assignment to be.  I chose nice bases near Sacramento, the Bay Area, and San Diego.  "Basically anywhere there is sun and surf and sand" I joked.  The Air Force also has a sense of humor, so they sent us to the Fort Irwin National Training Center in the Mojave desert.  Plenty of sun and sand!

During the final leg of our trip, through the Mojave desert, down the 37 mile long Ft. Irwin road that starts just off of I 15 somewhere between Barstow and Yermo, Won kept telling me that I was going the wrong way, that there was, "nothing out here".  That no one could possibly live here. 

She started crying when she saw the front gate of Ft. Irwin.

Instead of living at the Army post, we instead opted to live in Marine Corps housing in Barstow.  It wasn't a metropolis, but it was better than Ft. Irwin.

Once we were settled in at Barstow, Won then told me one day that her old high school friend had moved to the States, and invited her to meet.  Won had immediately agreed, and in excitement started talking to me about driving over to see her friend.

Her friend lived in New York state.

"We can go this weekend!" Won told me.  

"No, I really don't have any vacation time saved up.  We used a lot of it during our transfer."  We had also used some of it getting Won's doctor appointments.  But we didn't talk about that.

"You don't have to use your vacation.  We can come back late on Sunday!"

"But Won, I don't have the money for an airplane ticket."

"So?  We can drive!"

Ah!  Finally I understood the problem.  South Korea is a country with 40 million people in it.  It is a somewhat Florida-shaped peninsula just barely 300 miles long and about 200 miles wide.  It would take 8 hours to drive its entire length.

I pulled out our American atlas that I used when driving around California and Neveda.

"Remember when we drove here from San Diego?" I asked her.

"Yea, that was a 3 hour drive.  Very boring!"  Of course it was boring, it was through the California desert.  Unless you're a desert rat like me, in which case it is very interesting.  Won grew up in Seoul - she was a city girl through and through.  

"Okay," I said.  I pulled out a ruler then I flipped to the American continent.  "Here we are," I said, pointing at Barstow.  "Here is San Diego.  And here," moving my finger across two pages of the atlas, "is New York".  

I used the ruler to compare straight-line distances.  In comparison New York City is about 15 times further than the distance to San Diego, in a straight line.  Approximately a 45 hour drive, if we didn't stop for a hotel or food or gas.

Won sat there a moment, stunned.

"We can't get there by car today, Won.  It would take a week of driving, one way."

Won and I never got any further away from Barstow than to Texas and New Mexico during a trip with my sister.  She never realized her wish to visit Times Square.

Years later, after we'd moved to Fresno, we had accepted an exchange student from Korea.  One day, a week before Winter Break, this young lady and her friends came excitedly into our living room to explain that they had a car, and planned to drive across the United States seeing the sights.  They wanted to see Mt. Rushmore, Times Square, New Orleans, Yellowstone, The Grand Canyon...

Won started laughing, helplessly - gasping for breath.  I pulled out my atlas again.

After explaining the distances involved, and that their trip would take at least 3 weeks in good conditions, I then pointed at our TV where the news was currently explaining that much of the Midwest was locked under heavy snows.

"Any of you have experience driving with chains?  Oh, you'll be driving at 25mph through these parts, if the highway is even open."

I would say that there was stunned silence in the room... but Won was still laughing. 

I've known a wind so cold,
I've seen the darkest days,
but now the winds i feel,
are only winds of change.
I've been through the fire,
and I've been through the rain
but i'll be fine.

A quick check on Ronnie

So Ronnie is currently located at the Stringfellow unit of the TDCJ.  They have programs for sex offenders, for literacy, and for job skills - all of which Ronnie needs.  All of which I doubt he will willingly take advantage of.  Ronnie used to be good at conning people - I fully expect that if he takes part of any program he will be doing it to "play the game".  Oh sure, he may feel bad about getting caught - but I don't think he's capable of true remorse.

Here's Ronnie's basic information:

SID Number: 02567306
TDCJ Number: 01253039
DOB: 1952-01-13
Case number: 962202
Offense: INDECENCY CHILD-TG
Projected Release Date: 2013-09-25

I did a search tonight on the Harris County Clerk website to see Ronnie's earlier sexual predator case. I saw it mentioned briefly years ago online, but after my initial discovery it disappeared, and I can't seem to locate the details on the TDCJ website anymore.  I did capture that information for my records 

A review of my records shows that Harris County charged him with one count of indeceny with a child of 11 years old, on 22 March 1996.  He was sentenced to 5 years of probation, and registered as a sex offender.  However, this was not treated as a felony.

Tonight I learned that Ronnie was charged with the felony burglary of a habitation in February of 1979. He was convicted of this felony in June of 1979, and sentenced to 5 years of probation. He was 27 years old at the time, and finished probation in 1984 at the age of 32.

This just about covers the whole time that he was married to my mother and was the bane of my sister's existence. During this time I never heard the word "probation" mentioned about Ronnie. No probation officer spoke to our family that I was ever aware of. I'm also sure that the probation officer didn't know that Ronnie, a felon, was in possession of a couple of fire arms - namely a shotgun and a rifle.

I'm starting to realize that I should do a little more serious homework on Ronnie's life. 

Ronnie is getting out of prison in September. I expect him to play "nice" for a while, and then I expect he will re-offend, getting his third strike.

If you are a family member in the Houston Darsey clan, please be aware of Ronnie's proclivities, and do NOT let him stay with your children! My sister and I know of at least two of Ronnie's victims, not including the little girl he abused when he was arrested.  Please don't let there be any more.

Won's 49th birthday is today

최원종 요보

Today Won would have been 49 years old. I can't believe I almost forgot her birthday.

I've been so busy these last few months. Wendy and I bought a house! I've never owned a house before, and we keep re-realizing this astonishing fact all over again.

But there's so much to do to this house. We've been working VERY hard to put in a new fence all around it - and without my brother-in-law I wouldn't be near completing it. Next is to get my woodshop in order, build a deck, and then next year (or the year after) put on a new roof. After that, I've got plans to add central heat / AC, and get the fireplace repaired. And then....

Well you can see where my head's been.

Won and I never owned a house because we were a single income family and she had lots of medical bills and student loans. In 2007 we were just barely keeping above water from our debt, and I cut back our expenses to the bone, while paying off one creditor after another. After Won died, her student loans were forgiven and I finally paid off the last of our credit card and medical bills. And I worked to live way below my means. And it paid off. My credit finally recovered and I easily qualified for and negotiated a VA loan.

Won would have hated this house. It was built in 1933 and is a cross between a Craftsman and a Pueblo style house, with a huge wrap around porch, stucco walls, and graceful curves. Won wanted a modern house, preferable one that was big and recently built. I really did try to make for us the life that she wanted, but as she got sick I circled the wagons and concentrated on helping her.

Since she died, I have become a member of several grief groups. Grief Beyond Belief has been a big help to me.  Sometimes I write about her there.

Support groups, counseling, and even some antidepressants have been how I've come to here.  I am very happy with my life now, and only occasionally feel melancholic. Sometimes I still talk to Won... although as an atheist I know I'm merely talking to my memory of her.

How do atheists deal with grief?

I've found that on several occasions I've written, "I was married for 21 years, and then my wife died."

I do this in explaining how atheists deal with tragedy and grief.

Many Christians find solice in their religion when it comes to tragedy.  They are able to believe that their loved ones are in Heaven, and that they will see them again.  They are able to believe that there is a purpose for those who are sick or injured. 

Won, my late wife, dearly loved her Grandmother.  Won's grief during her grandmother's funeral was a terrible thing to witness.  Deep, wracking wales of grief as I and the other pallbearers dropped shovelfulls of dirt on her casket.  After her grandmother's death, Won took deep solice in knowing that she would see her grandmother again in Heaven, someday.

Even during that time that Won was an agnostic, she still believed she would see her grandmother again.

I wish that were true, in some way.  But I believe that both my late wife and her beloved grandmother are merely dead, and will never converse again.  I believe that the future words I will speak to my late wife will only be heard by my memory of her. 

I personally do not find the assertion that Won is "in a better place" or that "God has a plan" to be comforting, because I don't think these assertions are true.  I do think that such sentiments, if offered to me, are hurtful and thoughtless.

When Won died, my emotions locked down tight.  I went into high-speed problem solving mode, and flew to Korea to bring her remains home.  Won was cremated just hours after my arrival, and I brought her remains back to where I was staying.  Then I spent the next two weeks visiting her mother and our friends, and going through the very painfully slow paperwork to register her death, and to get US Customs to allow me to bring her cremated remains home.

During that time I was able to smile, even laugh, with mutual friends and with her mother.

When I got home, I was still in this mode.  Everything was brittle and hard, and seen through a fog.  My mother and sister stayed with me to make sure I was okay.  When they left, I had friends who visited, some of whom brought food.

And then I settled back into a daily grind, and spent evening after evening watching Stargate as my psyche slowly rebooted.  

I got help.  I saw a psychologist and a psychiatrist, and was put on antidepressants for a time.

It took about a year for me to stop thinking about "activities for us" and start thinking about "activities for me".

During this time, I found that it helped to share my grief with others.  "Grief Beyond Belief" had an online forum that was very helpful to me.  (They're on Facebook now.  I still return there from time to time).  It also helped to tell the stories about Won and our lives together.  In a way, Won continues to live on through these stories.

Our lives influence others, like ripples in a pond.  People are affected every day by others that they never met and never knew.  Kind words, hateful actions, and the stories of our lives can stir this world of humans like the so-called butterfly effect.

How do atheists deal with grief?  By remembering those we grieve over, and by telling their stories to the world.

Hold close those that you love, at every opportunity. 

Latest information on Ronald Lee Darsey

I just had another look at Ronnie online today.  It seems that Texas will not grant him ANY parole!  I'm not upset about that!

He's still scheduled to be released on September 25th of 2013.  But Texas has moved him to a facility closer to his home of record in Houston.

He's currently at the LV Hightower unit in Dayton Texas.  This unit offers a "Sex Offender Treatment Program" and a "Sex Offender Education Program".  It also offers an adult literacy program - so perhaps Ronnie is getting help for his severe dyslexia.  Also offered are various vocational training programs - so perhaps Ronnie will be able to increase his mechanical skills a little.

The Hightower unit also contains a garment factory - so I would guess that he's part of that now too.  

I would guess that Ronnie will stay at this unit until they release him.  I don't know if they give him a ride to Houston or not.  

Next time we see any change will be when Texas re-activates Ronnie's information back in the Texas Public Sex Offender Registry.

He will be almost 62 years old when he gets out.  His hair will be a lot more gray than it is now.  I wonder how much he will have changed, if any?  

I believe that he is a habitual offender - and this saddens me.  He will abuse another little girl when he feels he can get away with it.  It will take that third time to put him away for life.  I just wish there was a way to skip that, and send him back to jail.

Read more about Mr. Darsey by clicking on the "Ronnie" category below this post.

Cancer really sucks...

I got the news on Sunday.  My mother has cancer.

I don't know the exact details - it's a form of cancer that was found on the roof of her mouth.  It's malignant. She went into surgery this morning to have it removed.

She's still planning on being at the family reunion at the end of the month, but probably won't feel like doing much.

Mom told me on Sunday, and again yesterday evening, that she felt fine. Her voice was unaffected. But after the surgery she won't sound the same - and might not look the same. A portion of the roof of her mouth has been removed this morning, and she'll be given a plate to cover the removal.

Also, at this point the doctors are unsure if the cancer made it to her adenoids. If it did, then they will start mom on radiation therapy.

Radiation therapy - such a scary phrase!

I wished mom luck last night. And we joked around a little - I told her she had my permission to flirt with any male nurses she finds. I was reluctant to let her hang up - eager to pretend that everything will be as it always has been.

My stepfather Dan called this morning. The surgery was a success. Still no word on her adenoids, or radiation therapy.

Ronald Lee Darsey to serve full sentence!

So I was wondering today, "What happened to Ronnie?"

If you'll recall, twice convicted pedophile Ronald Lee Darsey has been spending quality time in a Texas prison since September 26, 2003.  He was up for parole in 2008, which was denied.

He came up for parole again in August 2011, but Tanya and I have been busy with our lives and didn't pay much attention.  I checked on him in September, but couldn't get a firm answer out of the TDCJ.  And then I spent a few months living my life.

I just checked again, starting with a general Google search on his name to see that my blog was still his top entry.  (It is!  And I hope his future girlfriends Google him, and invite them to contact me.  Contact info is other there to the right - just click on my name under the "About Me" category.)

But I also found Ronnie in the Texas Tribune, under a listing for Texas Prison Inmates.  After verifying with TDCJ, I can now say for sure that Ronnie is still in jail.  He didn't make his August 2011 parole, and he must now complete his entire sentence.  He should be released on or about August 26, 2013.

Please be warned - Ronnie has been convicted of child molestation twice, but I know of several young girls he has sexually abused.

He is a habitual sex offender - and the best psychological theories that I've read all agree that such a person will re-offend eventually.  Ronnie can be charming and manipulative - he will put himself in a place or position where he will again have opportunity to re-offend.  And if Texas catches him at it again, he'll be put away for life.

I'm writing this as a warning - if you've googled his name, you already suspect something, or you've been abused by him.  Drop me an email or give me a call.  We'll talk.