Hashtag-Me-Too ~ #MondayBlogs

RAINN and other well-known sources have been citing appalling statistics about sexual assault and abuse in America since 1994. However it wasn’t until 2016 and 2017 when a deluge of sexual assault/abuse/harassment allegations against famous personalities came to the forefront that most people started mouthing the words, “I can’t believe how many allegations...” Earlier this year Facebook saw a huge amount of their members posting #MeToo representing those of us who suffered in silence and in solidarity; most posters were women although several men joined in as well.

Do you feel as if you’ve been bombarded by the amount of women, men and (former) children who have stepped up with their stories of abuse? According to RAINN’s most recent facts “1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime” and “About 3% of American men have experienced an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime.” There are even more disturbing facts when you consider that “From 2009-2013, Child Protective Services agencies substantiated, or found strong evidence to indicate that, 63,000 children a year were victims of sexual abuse.” For more statistics visit https://www.rainn.org/statistics/scope-problem .

Have these numbers bothered you yet? Think about the teen-age girls traveling the NYC subways during rush hour, when bodies are jam-packed against one another and suddenly there is a hand exploring their genital area (or worse) — I know this happened often to my travel companions and myself during our high school years. There are too many stories about women being propositioned in return for otherwise well-deserved work promotions and far too many stories where the advances were turned down and yet the word NO held no meaning. Of course most of us are highly offended hearing about children who were molested by that favorite “Uncle” (or “Aunt”) and then dismissed when they tried to tell Mommy and Daddy. I know there are horror stories about men being victimized by women as well and also same-sex assaults.

There is a sad sickness in our society when a woman is blamed for getting raped because she was walking home alone at night, or when a 14-year old child “allows” an adult to liberties. How twisted is the logic that believes a prisoner in jail, even for minor infractions, “deserves” to be raped? And why do we find different standards and excuses based on someone’s political position, financial status, being a movie star, or his/her skin color or sexual preference? How can any decent human being believe that a woman who doesn't want it and fights cannot be raped?! Why do some states treat marital rape, even though illegal in all 50 states, different when it comes to punishment? And why are there so many complaints about college administrations who hide the incidence of rape and sexual assault rather than pursuing full police investigations and arrests?

I am aware that there will be someone reading this who will offer up the possibility of false accusations and the permanent damage that can cause the unjustly blamed. Yes, false accusations can cause lifetime trauma leading to broken marriages, loss of employment and even worse. But I honestly believe that the actual incidence of rape and unwanted sexual encounters, even those that are not prosecuted, are far more common than false allegations; in this instance we hope that the law and juries can see through to the truth. But I will admit feelings of anger when the reaction to an accusation is automatically greeted with the assumption that the victim is crying “wolf”.

Knowing how many of us were compelled to post “#MeToo” is sad. And learning how many rape and assault survivors have felt they had to keep silent because their character would be questioned or condemned is tragic.

…just my thoughts,
Chelle Cordero,
author of The Survivor Series: Bartlett’s Rule & Courage of the Heart

                                                                                                   

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#DailyPrompt ~ SAVAGE ~ #MondayBlogs

I found a terrific writing site (thanks to my friend Sugana) — The Daily Post: Daily Prompts provides a NEW daily prompt every day to give every writer a way to put a spark in her/his creativity. I decided to join this group every so often...

Today's Prompt is SAVAGE

Definition of SAVAGE[Adjective] (of an animal or force of nature) fierce, violent, and uncontrolled.[noun] (chiefly in historical or literary contexts) a member of a people regarded as primitive and uncivilized.[verb] (especially of a dog or wild animal) attack ferociously and maul.

How many are aware that this word, “SAVAGE”, appears in one of the most defining and important documents of the free world? Well buckle up and come along for a little history lesson:

Here in the U.S.A. we just celebrated July 4^th, our country’s “birthday”. For many Americans this means parties, barbecues and fireworks. For some Americans there is both a bittersweet commemoration of a momentous event that took place on July 4^th, 1776, and bitterness that’s been swallowed and yet keeps bubbling to the surface.

Every year, somewhere, it is traditional to find the American Declaration of Independence being read in its entirety. On July 4^th, 1776, in Congress, the signed Declaration of the thirteen United States of America was adopted and officially gave birth to a nation. The 56 (male) signers were from the 13 states that made up our young country: Delaware, Pennsylvania, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, New York Georgia, Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, New Jersey, Connecticut and Maryland.

While the Declaration was officially adopted on July 4^th it took until November of that year for all of the representatives to sign it. The very first signature in the Declaration, signed on July 4^th, belonged to John Hancock who was the President of the Continental Congress. The 56^th and final signature belonged to Matthew Thornton from New Hampshire. The oldest man to sign was 70-year old Benjamin Franklin. John Hancock’s signature is the most prominent one on the page.

One of the most famous lines in this very famous document says, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” 

The document then continues with a long litany of examples about how the King of Great Britain violated the rights and rules of the people in the 13 colonies. 

One example included later in the document is “He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.”

The indigenous people living in this land BEFORE Christopher Columbus mistakenly labeled them “Indians” thinking that he had arrived in India were referred to as Indians and Savages. Also, wasn’t it kind of nervy to refer to these people as “the inhabitants of our frontiers”? They were here FIRST!

Ironically while many the people living in the 13 colonies came to this land to escape tyranny and oppression, the freedoms that the Declaration of Independence spoke of were not automatically bestowed on all the people living in our land — groups such as Women, Blacks, and Native Americans were denied the right of voting for many years.

Married women were also not allowed to own property or keep any money they earned. The 19th Amendment in 1919 granted women the right to vote, but it took more than half a decade, until 1984, for all of the states to ratify the agreement. In 1870 the 15^th Amendment granted Black men the right to vote, although there are many recorded cases where exercising that right was consistently challenged. 

Even though the 15^th Amendment granted voting rights to ALL male citizens of the United States, the Native Americans were denied citizenship (and therefore could not vote) until the Indian Citizenship Act in 1924. There were many instances of harassment and discrimination until the Voting Rights Act of 1965 was signed into law.

Our country’s history is not without blemish, but at least today every citizen, regardless of age*(18+), gender or race, has the right to vote and hopefully will always be able to.

“And I'm proud to be an American where at least I know I'm free.

And I won't forget the men who died, who gave that right to me.

And I'd gladly stand up... next to you and defend her still today.

'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land God bless the U.S.A.”

("Proud To Be An American" Lee Greenwood)

#DailyPrompt ~ SCAMPER ~ #MondayBlogs

I found a terrific writing site (thanks to my friend Sugana) — The Daily Post: Daily Prompts provides a NEW daily prompt every day to give every writer a way to put a spark in her/his creativity. I decided to join this group every so often...

Today's Prompt is SCAMPER

 The definition of SCAMPER: [verb] 
to run nimbly and usually playfully about  ~ also ~
An acronym for a Creative Thinking Process

When I tackle these word prompts I always start out by looking up the true definition of the word just to be sure that I am using it correctly. Today my first thought when I read the definition was of my year-and-a-half old grand-nephew “D” that I got to see today. With a house full of people “D” was of course confident that he was the center of attention — I think he was!

With an energy that all of the older folks envied, “D” ran back and forth through his parents’ house, scampering, hiding around corners and giggling which always gave away his hiding spot. It was a truly fun day with the inevitable question, “How can we bottle up some of that energy?”

I was also very intrigued when I Googled the word to find that S.C.A.M.P.E.R. is a mnemonic representing an innovative 7-step technique to brainstorm, “think out of the box”, solve problems, and kindle creativity. Imagine — Improve — Invent. [from Wikipedia]

1.      Substitute comes up with another topic that is equivalent to the present topic.

2.      Combine adds information to the original topic.

3.      Adjust identifies ways to construct the topic in a more flexible and adjusted material.

4.      Modify creatively changes the topic.

5.      Put to other uses identifies the possible scenarios and situations where this topic can be used.

6.      Eliminate removes ideas or elements from the topic that are not valuable.

7.      Reverse, rearrange evolves a new concept from the original concept.

Step one allows us to think in terms of what we know, something that already is. This can be a hard good, a service, a process, or anything.

Step two makes us think of what “parts” can go in to improving and creating. Can we put other items together to serve a different purpose?

Step three helps us to examine what we could do to use the item in some other way (similar to the butter knife being used as a screwdriver, lol)

Step four begs the questions, how can we make this better (either an existing or a new product)?

Step five examines again the use of this product in a different manner and how that might alter the original product, would its use as something else be better if it were modified?

Step six helps us to narrow our focus and be more concise about the purpose or use of the item or service. What is necessary (parts, material, design) for the intended purpose and how can we streamline it?

Step seven is basically rethinking the project and how it could change if you went through the steps in a different order.

The S.C.A.M.P.E.R. technique forces us to think in abstract, creative ways. Simply put it’s like (figuratively) reaching into our brains and pulling out those tiny, otherwise hidden, ideas and thoughts. It certainly gives us something to wrap our minds around.

Ideas for using SCAMPER    [from GiftedMMiller]
1. Read a simple story. What elements of SCAMPER could be used to rewrite the story? If you get stuck on a writing assignment, will the ideas from SCAMPER help you to keep going?
2. Create your own invention. Take any common object and think about how it might be changed or improved upon. Think about the history of a common invention, such as the telephone. Go back to the earliest phone you can find and see how the elements of SCAMPER were used to improve each generation of the communication device.
3. Take a current social or political problem and discuss how elements of SCAMPER might be applied to come up with possible solutions.
4. Use SCAMPER to analyze a Web site or a brochure. Can you find ways that the Web site or brochure might be improved?
5. Take any common object—a penny, a shoe, a table. How can you apply the elements of SCAMPER to come up with a new and creative use of the object? 

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#DailyPrompt ~ Cringe ~#MondayBlogs

I found a terrific writing site (thanks to my friend Sugana) — The Daily Post: Daily Prompts provides a NEW daily prompt every day to give every writer a way to put a spark in her/his creativity. I decided to join this group every so often...

Today's Prompt is CRINGE

 The definition of CRINGE: [verb] cringe/krinj, to bend one's head and body in fear or in a servile manner; such as "he cringed away from the blow"   synonyms: cower, shrink, recoil, shy away, flinch, blench, draw back

As a child I cringed when the doctor pulled out a needle and gave me a shot in the arm. I also cringed when a teacher pulled a surprise quiz on the class. Childhood fears (for most of us) certainly seem like minor inconveniences after we grow into adulthood. Not that getting punished by your parents, or being lost in a huge department store, or facing off a childhood bully weren’t scare-worthy events…

The day my husband and I closed on our house I remember walking into the entryway using MY key and completely cringing as I stared at the stairs leading up thinking “oh my G-d, what did we do? How are we ever going to pay this off? It’s just too much responsibility!” That same house would become a haven to us, raised a family, always had pussycats pretending to be the 4 A.M. express running through the house, and was filled with constant laughter and lots of love. And yes, we were able to pay it off.

When each of our children learned to drive I cringed each time they went out and breathed an enormous sigh of relief when they arrived back home in one piece. There were many other moments through my life that I cringed in anticipation of hearing the phone ring late at night, or opened a hospital bill that I swore just couldn’t be right, or went to bed worried about something or other and woke from a frightening nightmare. Plenty of opportunities to cringe, shake with nervousness, and lose sleep and in the end plenty of time to simply sigh with relief and laugh at myself for all of the worrying.

The thing I have learned through the years is not to allow yourself to be paralyzed with fear wondering and worrying about things that MIGHT happen. While there are indeed upsetting and sometimes even earth-shattering things that can happen in all of our lives, wasting time worrying is just that, a waste of time. Nobody knows what will happen tomorrow, but if you don’t take advantage of living fully today because you are too busy cringing then that is 24-hours you will never ever get back.

Allowing fear to make you lose precious time with your loved ones, enjoy a good book, let the sun warm your skin, or simply appreciate the scenery is definitely a loss that is cringe-worthy.

#DailyPrompt ~ RELIEVED ~ #MondayBlogs

I found a terrific writing site (thanks to my friend Sugana) — The Daily Post: Daily Prompts provides a NEW daily prompt every day to give every writer a way to put a spark in her/his creativity. I decided to join this group every so often...

Today's Prompt is RELIEVED

 The definition of RELIEVED: [adjective] no longer feeling distressed or anxious; reassured.

As we get to that “certain age” and the doctor writes out a bunch of scrips for scans, lab tests, diagnostics, and more, we just can’t seem to avoid a growing dread in the pit of our stomachs. Absolutely NOTHING was wrong before! Why am I being subjected to all of this poking and prodding? And what about my dignity when each part of my body is being examined by a different group of people… okay, okay, I know they are professionals, and my common sense does tell me that playing it safe is a heck of a lot better than dealing with some catastrophic illness. But still —

So we act rationally and make our appointments and scheduling isn’t always the easiest, after shifting schedules and arranging for someone to pick us up afterwards (when required) and throwing someone else’s day into disarray we bravely march right up to the reception desk and fill out a myriad of forms with the most minute details… details that would normally fall into the category of TMI. Then you are given a gown that is guaranteed to let in too much of a breeze “somewhere”.

Finally we are in the exam room, hooked up to all kinds of monitors and feeling a bit like a character in some futuristic sci-fi show. The doctor, technician or PA does what they have to do and you are done. Get dressed again and go wait in the next room for someone to come in and discuss preliminary findings, if you are lucky; with some test you’ll have to wait three, ten or fourteen days until you get a phone call from a nurse reading the results to you and telling you the doctor’s next recommendation.

Whew! You get a clean bill of health and this tremendous feeling of relief settles over you. You’re told what they’ll send you a reminder when you have to do it all over again. Until then though, you are celebrating. I’m fine, I’m alive, and things are good. As you wipe your brow feeling so relieved you know that this was the smart thing to do for YOU and for the folks who love and depend on you. And IF, G-d forbid, your results aren’t the most pristine, you’ve probably found out while there is still time to make adjustments. Yeah, definitely smart.

My wish for all of you is Always Great Results and lots of reasons to feel relieved.

Daily Prompt ~ Triumph ~ #MondayBlogs

I found a terrific writing site (thanks to my friend Sugana) — The Daily Post: Daily Prompts provides a NEW daily prompt every day to give every writer a way to put a spark in her/his creativity. I decided to join this group every so often...

Today's Prompt is TRIUMPH

The definition of Triumph: [noun] a great victory or achievement; [verb] achieve a victory; be successful

It’s a hard thing for many of us to acknowledge our successes, our triumphs. So many of us lack the ability to see ourselves as successful and worthy. One of the professions that is often known for wearing our self-doubts is that of a writer. …yours truly is a writer, a novelist and journalist.

When I find myself in a funk and I need encouragement I can nudge people close to me and wrangle compliments from their lips to feed my fragile ego, but then I feel bad that I’ve gone “fishing”. Something else I do, especially late at night when it just wouldn’t be right to telephone someone just for a little ego soothing, is make a list of any and all things I’ve done that I am proud about. Maybe I am just being kind to myself but I often come up with a lengthy list (and no I am not posting it, bragging is not something I am comfortable with).

Now I don’t know if others would agree with the things I feel some success about — I know for a fact that not everyone holds the same values that I do. Surely I would fall flat if someone only looks at a stunning figure or the grand dame of the manor; I really don’t care though because those values don’t impress me. I guess there is a bit of conceit in that I do not do the things I do to impress others, I do something because I feel it is the right thing to do and hopefully benefits those around me.

I see value in family relationships and the respect that a parent gets from his/her children. I see value in a long term marriage. I see value when someone gets up and keeps on going even after being struck down by some misfortune. And most of all I see value when someone has touched other lives to make them, even a little bit, better.

On my list I do have references to my marriage, my children and my writing. While I rarely get satisfaction from extolling my own virtues, I do very much enjoy a bit of bragging about my husband and my children, people that I truly admire and respect. 

My husband has always been determined, never takes the easy way if it isn’t the right way, he has always worked hard whether it’s a job or a personal quest, and he has always put his family first. My offspring have grown into remarkable human beings, both give of themselves to others, they are intelligent and capable.

Collectively as first responders and educators my husband and children have saved lives, comforted those in need, put out fires, and given others the means to do the same. And it always seems whatever these people decide to tackle, they have a can do attitude that always comes through. More than anything each one of them CARES. I can only hope that they take at least a little pride in me, it would truly be only a portion of what I feel for them.

Not every accomplishment is earth shattering, few will be considered newsworthy. But each accomplishment is our own whether we wish to brag or stay quiet

What are you proud of today?

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Daily Prompt ~ Distance ~ #MondayBlogs

I found a terrific writing site (thanks to my friend Sugana) — The Daily Post: Daily Prompts provides a NEW daily prompt every day to give every writer a way to put a spark in her/his creativity. I decided to join this group every so often...

Today's Prompt is DISTANT

Definition of Distant: [adjective] far away in space or time, "distant parts of the world". synonyms: faraway, far off, far, far-flung, remote, out of the way, outlying, extrasolar, "distant parts of the world"; long ago, bygone, olden; ancient, prehistoric; literary of yore, olden, "the distant past"; away, off, apart, "half a mile distant".

What does the word DISTANT make me think of? Distant memories come to mind.

There’s the distant memory of a mother’s comforting kisses whenever a boo-boo made my child-self cry, or her comforting embrace when teenage angst seemed like the most tragic thing in the world. There’s also the distant memory of my father being able to fix anything in the world no matter how shattered the toy might be. As I reached my teenage years and entered adulthood my dad always managed to say exactly the things I needed to hear. I was just a newlywed when my parents passed away and I do miss those memories.

Now as an adult reaching my golden years with my own grown offspring I think back to every time I tried to sooth their aches, whether physical or in the heart, and wondered if my hugs and kisses were as magical as my parents’ were. And though they are now adults and more-or-less have no need of mom and dad to fix their problems, they are still my kids and always will be. Every time they make a turn that I want to give some advice about I go back to those distant memories and wonder what my dad would have said. Luckily most times I think at least twice and try to keep my mouth shut. I wonder if my children will one day have distant memories of those times that I didn’t meddle?

Life is made up of distant memories that influence all of our actions today and tomorrow. Distant memories can seem so sweet, some tug at the heart, and others that once felt so monumental now seem so insignificant. Our memories can sustain us and guide us and maybe sometimes embarrass us… but I wouldn’t trade those distant memories, those are my keepsakes forever.

Daily Prompts ~ ADRIFT ~ #MondayBlogs

I found a terrific writing site (thanks to my friend Sugana) — The Daily Post: Daily Prompts provides a NEW daily prompt every day to give every writer a way to put a spark in her/his creativity. I decided to join this group every so often...

Today's Prompt is ADRIFT

Definition of ADRIFT:  without motive power and without anchor or mooring [Merriam-Webster]

It’s a wonder how some people seem to go through life without any attachments or roots. There is a movement of minimalism where one has fewer material possessions, less things to tie one down. Minimalism allegedly gives one a greater freedom allowing them to do things and go anywhere with complete independence. There are those who mistakenly stretch the idea of minimalism to include relationships, they don’t want to be encumbered by anything or anyONE who can tie them down and restrict their freedom.

There are those who try to go through life adrift without responsibilities and without thought to anyone else’s needs. They scoff at the idea of marriage or any kind of commitments; they certainly have no desire to surround themselves with family, especially children. Many overzealous minimalists will not commit themselves to long term jobs preferring instead to simply work for as much money as they need or want to get to the next big plan. Cars and home ownership are often problems they choose to do without.

The true purpose of minimalism is to rid oneself of all the extraneous baggage that has no real meaning to a chosen lifestyle. There are minimalists who do settle down with homes (and mortgages), loving marriages, multiple children, one or more pets, automobiles, and jobs they go to regularly. The only difference in their lives is that they don’t waste time on anything that doesn’t hold meaning for them. Minimalists don’t spend time hoarding useless possessions for mere appearances, they don’t latch onto relationships that they cannot emotionally commit to, or toil at meaningless jobs they hate.

True minimalists are not adrift, in the waters of life, but they are not anchored by weights. Minimalists make choices, they stay where they want to, not have to; they appreciate what they have and enjoy looking forward to each day.

Minimalists elect to lead purpose-driven lives… to live them fully and happily.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/adrift/

Writing a Sequel ~ #MondayBlogs

As writer’s we often create characters and mold them according to the convenience of the story plot — it’s an exciting, godlike and powerful feeling to produce “someone” who comes to life through words and who the readers (ideally) care about. By the time we write The End our task is complete. We send our characters out into the world to live on their own, to inspire peoples’ imaginations, and to remain who they are throughout perpetuity.

Unless we decide to revive those characters in another book.

Why, why, why would we do that? They’ve done their time, did their job and now they deserve to rest. …but maybe not. Sometimes our characters stay with us just begging to move on.

Maybe we write a spin-off and our once favorite NAGGING characters appear in the storyline again. When I wrote His Lucky Charm I literally fell in love with a secondary character. Tom Hughes suffered tragic heartbreak in his past and he was just the kind of man to council his cousin and her heartthrob about the need to grab onto each other while you can, and his cousin and her heartthrob did get married. I wanted Tom to have his own HEA (Happy Ever After) ending and I wrote Within the Law. This was pretty easy. While I did create Tom’s character and an important chunk of his history, it wasn’t until I wrote Within the Law that I really concentrated on developing him fully. And while the lovers of His lucky Charm did make appearances all I had to do was put a bit of time into their storyline. Easy peasy.

Another spin-off I wrote stemmed from Final Sin where I created Jake and Julie, and Julie’s sidekick Matt. In the spin off book, Hyphema, I was able to really develop Matt’s character and introduce his wife who had only been mentioned in Final Sin. The focus was entirely on Matt and Sudah in the spin-off book.

Then I wrote Karma Visited about Annie who is able to astral travel in her sleep to people in need and when she needs help who will be there for her? She meets Dave and it’s a tense story. As an author I liked it and readers have told me that they liked it as well. I wanted more of Annie and Dave’s story so I wrote a sequel. A sequel is literally a continuation of a story line and often including the same main characters. A sequel is also in the future in respect to the first book so your characters have to show growth and still remain the same people we fell in love with. If they had an HEA in the first book though we also need to introduce new conflicts or the sequel will effectively be just one long epilogue. I admit it was very difficult, I kept starting and then scrapping everything I had written. It was frustrating.

I believed I had a terrific story in my head, one that presented some major conflicts and great action, but how was I going to tell it? Finally I decided to interview each of my characters, separately, and I asked some pointed questions. What had transpired since Karma Visited? Where had they hoped to be by this point in their lives? What were their biggest fears? And there were many more questions, some much too personal to tell everyone else. I got a clear picture of who Annie and Dave were in the year after Karma Visited ended. The sequel did get written and I am pleased to announce that Annie’s Karma will be available later this month.

Writers have a responsibility to create real people (aka characters) who have had lives before the first pages of our books and will live long after the words The End are typed.

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A Matter of Privacy ~ #MondayBlogs

On one side of my family all of the older female relatives literally celebrated, via phone calls, every related teen-girl’s first menses (kind of ala The Red Tent). The other side of my family keeps things so private that even emergency hospitalizations aren’t shared outside of the immediate household until there’s a casual conversation after the release of the patient.

There has GOT to be some middle ground.

I truly believe that families have the right to know about serious health issues and semi-major family crises. You certainly don’t need to share bedroom “stuff”, salaries, spats between household members or things that are told to you in confidence by another family member (unless of course someone’s safety is involved). And when things go awry in life it definitely helps to talk out your angst with someone you can trust.

It was even suggested that if you really need to talk about something that is making you lose sleep, pay a therapist to listen instead of calling your sibling or a close cousin! While there is a time and place for therapy, most worries just need to be aired, a chance to vent, a chance to be coddled for a few minutes. I am not talking about calling a relative to overrule something the spouse wants to do, getting permission or plotting — I’m talking about keeping yourself from being tied up in knots with worry and upset.

I know of couples who won’t allow their spouse to even go to the doctor’s waiting room with them for an appointment, and I also know of couples who will only make appointments when their spouse is available to go with them to talk to the doctor together. Sadly I also know couples who won’ even share the results of crucial medical tests with each other. I used to ride an ambulance as an EMT and a few times I responded to a call where the other household members had no idea what medical conditions the patient had or why they were taking medications… undeniably sad and even a bit scary.

How much sharing is comfortable for you? How much privacy do you need?

I’ve often wondered how many of the “emergency contacts” on forms and in our phones actually have information about the person they are supposedly able to answer for. And why for gosh sakes would someone’s offspring think that mom and dad no longer worry about them even when they live out of the house?

Yes, I do agree that there are things that needn’t be discussed, but there is so much more that should be. Families especially need to be able to rely on one another even if they are under separate roofs. Even unrelated roommates need to know somethings about each other such as where they work and if (and where) they are headed off for a weekend of fun so that is SOMETHING, ANYTHNG unexpected happens, at least the police can get in touch when they need to!

To quote John Donne, “No Man Is an Island” and we cannot create walls as complete insulation between us. We each live, work and play with other human beings and there needs to be just a bit where the lines we draw around ourselves actually overlap and mingle. Honestly you shouldn’t surround yourself with folks that you can’t even trust enough to share who you are with.

I’d love to hear your opinions about privacy…

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Legacy ~ #MondayBlogs

Whenever we have a spate of celebrity deaths or are personally touched by loss we frequently begin to think of our own mortality. Death is inevitable for everyone, it doesn’t matter if you are rich or poor, nice or mean, or man or woman… nobody gets out alive. What kind of legacy do you want to leave behind you when the time comes in the hopefully distant future? What do you want to be remembered for?

In Judaism it is believed that there are ways to avoid a “second death” by remembering someone, doing good deeds in that person’s name, and always being inspired by the deceased to make us want to live better and more thoughtful lives. How do we assure that we will be remembered? How can we be the kind of person who could inspire goodness in others?

Think of the things you would WANT to be remembered for; think of the things you believe you WOULD be remembered for. Compare those two lists — which do you want more? Do you think you would be remembered for the hours you spent away from your family making more money than you truly needed? Would you be remembered for the fancy car you drove? Or would you be remembered for your generosity and compassion for those around you?

When I am no longer physically on this earth I hope that people would remember that they felt comfortable talking to me because they could trust me; I would want to be remembered for the time I gave to family and friends; I want folks to remember that I was passionate about living beings and their welfare; and I would want to be remembered for my laughter and my tears when others needed it most. I want my friends and family to know that I accepted that I was a mere human trying my best to be decent and thoughtful. When I die I would hope that people would celebrate the life I lived and would remember at least some happiness they had for knowing me.

Live your life well, make the “dash” between the dates on your headstone mean something. Enjoy the hugs you share with loved ones, the laughter you hear from children playing, the sounds and smells of nature all around you, and the joy you feel when you’ve made someone smile. Be the kind of person you would admire and know the difference between false vanity and the true “success” of respect. Do your job well, not just for the reward of money, but because the way you do your job makes this a better world for someone. Hold your lover’s hand, not because you expect something in return, but because you just want to be there with him/her.

Live a wonderful life full of joy and happiness.

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Throwaway Everything ~ #MondayBlogs

Those of us who were raised by parents who survived the depression era often received lectures about the necessity of being frugal, repairing things instead of replacing, and working around the little difficulties wherever possible. Most of today’s parents have always wanted to give our children more than we had, to never make them wear an older cousin’s hand-me-downs, to always get the favorite new toy advertised for the holiday season, and to accept and expect the seeming planned obsolescence of many consumable goods.

We can forgive the overindulgent parents who want to see their children happy and even feel for the parents who can’t afford the expensive IN toy their child craves. But still the concept of mending clothing or gluing household items back together is quickly being discounted more often than not. Under the umbrella term of decluttering some toss all “extras” whether it’s mail that comes in, newspapers, a chipped candy dish, or leftover food. Homes are bought not with the intention of building a life there but as stepping stones to the next bigger edifice to fit more possessions that will be tossed at some future point.

Is our throwaway society so strong an influence that we find it easy to discard previously memorable keepsakes like wedding gowns, heirloom candlesticks and old live letters between our parents? And has this ease to toss stuff out of our lives moved on to friendships, pets and even marriages? Young couples talk of pre-nups even in the “average” marriage; while there may be justification when family fortunes, corporations or children from a previous union are involved, isn’t signing a pre-nuptial agreement a little like planning to get divorced even before you say “I Do”? More and more couples who do hit rough patches look to put more distance between themselves rather than working things through (with or without therapists) and making the changes that could save their marriage.

Sometimes that article of clothing is beyond repair or totally unusable, and sometimes relationships need compromises that one or both won’t, or can’t, consider, but we need to learn when to hang on before we decide to let go. We have become so scared of being labeled hoarders that sometimes we resist sentimentality and even practicality. Life should have some attachments, there has got to be a better balance where we can decide something is worth fixing.

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The Fictional Life of a Fiction Writer ~ #MondayBlogs

We’ve all seen those funny T-shirts and mugs warning people that THE WRITER is around and ready to put them into the next story. One would think that people would tend not to want to disclose personal info once they’ve been warned “Be careful what you say, you could wind up in my next book.”

I adore creating characters that I have (almost) total control over, they take my advice with little argument and even though sometimes they need a bit of nudging, they don’t disappoint. And the best part, I can KILL someone off if I so desire! However I have found that a writer does have to be careful when doing research…

There was the, time I needed help in “hiding” a murder that would eventually be found once the medical examiner knew what he was looking for after exhuming the body. So I called an acquaintance who worked as an investigator at the local MEs office, explained that I was researching a story and asked my questions. He was very cooperative and helpful — until I thanked him and was ready to hang up the phone. I was then subjected to a few minutes of his questions making sure that everything was okay between my husband and me.

Considering the topics that writers discuss on the phone with editors, publishers and critique buddies, we must truly keep the NSA hopping. Paranoia set in one day when my sister and I were discussing a murder scene and we both thought we heard a few clicks on the phone, every minute or so after that one of us would speak clearly into the phone and state this is for a fiction story we were formulating.

I have discovered that my husband is not appreciative of those sudden lightbulb moments I get after trying to work out a scene and somewhere in the middle of dinner and I say “Oh yeah, I have to make so&so do that!” It took him a while to realize I wasn’t talking about some long lost relative turned up during a genealogy search a long lost cousin was conducting. Of course sometimes I talk in my sleep and mumble about all these juicy tidbits that leave him wondering exactly what I do all day.

And of course all of the research I do as a writer, both for my fiction and my alter-ego journalist, turns into all of this useless trivia knowledge, but G-d forbid I can hold my own during a couples’ Trivial Pursuit game.

Yep, being a writer is certainly an adventure.

Hello Young Lovers ~ #MondayBlogs

When I was still a newlywed, we had a huge problem with a really pesky neighbor and it was very frustrating. Totally at my wits-end I telephoned my father and asked him what to do. We had a discussion, I don’t remember the exact words (it’s been a lot of years) — after hearing me out, my frustration and my crying, Daddy told me that he would always be happy to help me out BUT had I told my husband my feelings? I answered something like “Not really”.

Daddy didn’t renege on his offer to help me IF I STILL WANTED IT AFTER HIS ADVICE. The main thing my father stressed was that I was a married woman, an adult, who was married to a grown man; we were two adults who made a commitment to each other. While your parents would always be your parents and always care about you and do whatever they could to make your life easier, a married woman OR man should always be a team with her/his spouse. In other words, even if I had been the one to call my dad, I should have been speaking for the two of us.

I’m pretty sure that we have all heard the phrase “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24) or “no one was ever intended to come between a husband and a wife” (Matthew 19:6). [Nowadays this should refer to ALL married couples, not just the husband/wife variety] What do these two phrases mean, what did my dad mean about my discussing things with my husband and we should basically speak as one?

When we marry, both sides of the couple, are making the promise to leave the shelter and dependence of our parents and be able to rely and support each other. We need to turn to our spouses first before running to Mommy and Daddy. Our circle as a married couple means that we are the primary relationship and we each need to see each other as our priority, Being a couple should be the MOST IMPORTANT bond. Dependence and dependability on each other not only fosters trust and respect, it also makes a formidable unit which can withstand opposition.

This primary relationship needs to be recognized by more than just the partners but also by the people around them. Parents need to recognize and respect their child’s spouse and need to understand that they should never, ever attempt to get in between that bond. As parents we want to always be there for our children no matter how old they are, we have a need to want to fix things for them, and of course we only want what is best for them even when what we think is best is not what they want.

The time for raising our children and teaching them responsibility should have been going on through all of their adolescent and teen years. By the time our children reach adulthood and enter into a committed relationship, hopefully we have provided them with enough foundation to actually be able to think and do for themselves. And parents can give themselves a pat on the back when their job has been well done and offspring can actually deal with real life. While we will always want to step in, we MUST respect and trust our adult children and that includes respecting and trusting the person he/she chose as a lifelong partner; you can’t truly respect one unless you respect the other.

Parents who nurture an unhealthy relationship are only damaging many lives: If you don’t raise and allow your offspring to act like grown-ups, one day may come when they have to think for themselves and make decisions and the parents may no longer be around; parents who think they need to control their grown child will cause self-doubt, lack of trust for one another and a dependency that may at some point become too heavy a burden for the aging adult; and parents who are constantly intervening in their son or daughter’s relationship run the risk of seriously damaging the bond and creating not only sadness for their child but also resentment against the parents. In an ideal world grown children and parents can have wonderful relationships and can be there for each other when needed but the respect has to go both ways INCLUDING the in-law child.

My dad passed away shortly after our first wedding anniversary and my mom just a year later – ever since those valuable words my dad said to me during that phone call I've turned to my husband (and he has turned to me) and we have always been there for each other. It’s been more than 40 years and my husband and I are still best friends, confidents, support, and the genuine other half — and I owe it all to the fact that my dad recognized that a married couple, even his daughter and her husband, should be the strongest bond and what hath been “joined together, let no man put asunder”.

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I Understand ~ #MondayBlogs

It becomes a “thing” that simply rolls off of your tongue: I’m sorry for your loss; I’m sorry you don’t feel well; I’m sorry that you got hurt; I’m sorry… And even when you try to express genuine concern, often the words sound empty. Your words are usually appreciated, you’re being polite, but are your voiced sentiments really helping anyone? Too many people make polite conversation that they are never really engaged in.

There is a big difference about being polite and reaching out to offer comfort. Empathy is when you try to imagine what the person is feeling. It doesn’t matter if you never experienced what they are going through, we have all had times when we’ve been sad, scared, or under the weather. Even if you have experienced a similar situation your reactions are not going to be the same, but you should still understand and relate to the emotion your friend is feeling.

Don’t belittle or minimize someone’s emotions. Depending on the situation you may be tempted to take their feelings away, to discount them unintentionally. You tell someone who just lost a parent who lived to a ripe old age that he was old, he lived a long time, and wow you know people who never were so lucky to have their parents around for so long. Or you let your girlfriend know how much better she is without the bum that just walked out on her. Or you tell the woman who just miscarried that she should be relieved because it was nature’s way of fixing a mistake. (I’ve heard people saying these things to others). These kind of phrases demean the feelings and even though you may not try to hurt someone intentionally it does hurt.

It’s okay to say I understand you’re sad, you’re hurt, or I understand that this seems scary. It’s even okay to say “I’ve been there” so long as you don’t make it all about yourself. Letting someone know that they are not alone in what they are going through can be kind, but not if you ignore their needs.

Compassion is more than just putting yourself in their shoes and empathizing with their pain. Compassion is saying you’re sorry for whatever they are going through, letting them know you understand, and then being there for them to talk, to lend a shoulder, and to help them through the tough days wherever you can. When you can put it all together… words to understanding to being supportive, that is when you are being a true friend.

When you are able to show compassion you are putting someone else’s needs before your own and you can take pride in being able to help someone in pain.

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Welcome to Banned Book Week ~ #MondayBlogs

While the subject isn’t very welcoming, the very fact that many of us live in a society where we are able to challenge the banning of books and even be able to get our hands on most on the list and actually read them is good news. So long as there are people who get angry over the censorship, readers who devour the words, and writers who continue to produce new books — it’s good. There are some countries where certain books are actually forbidden by law! In several free countries while specific books are removed from libraries and some book stores, it is not against the law to actually read these titles. It’s just more difficult to get our hands on them.

One of my favorite books has been banned in previous years; ironically the story is about book censorship, book burning, and the control of free thought. Fahrenheit 451 was about a futuristic world where free thinking was not only discouraged but punishable. The idea was that if no one was allowed to think for themselves there would be no disagreements and with no disagreements everyone would get along. And yet even in this world there were “Firemen” because there were people who were defiant and those books “needed to be burnt.” Fahrenheit 451 is allegedly the temperature at which the paper in the books would ignite.

A few books previously banned by governments are: Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll (China); American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis (Queensland, Australia); Animal Farm by George Orwell (USSR, North Korea, United Arab Emirates); Catch-22 by Joseph Heller (Strongsville, Ohio; Dallas, Texas; Snoqualmie, Washington); The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown (Lebanon); Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck (California); The Lottery (1948) by Shirley Jackson (South Africa); Peyton Place by Grace Metalious (Canada); The Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie (Bangladesh, Egypt, India, Iran, Kenya, Kuwait, Liberia, Malaysia, Papua New Guinea, Pakistan, Senegal, Singapore, Sri Lanka, Tanzania, Thailand); Sophie's Choice by William Styron (Lebanon); Spycatcher by Peter Wright (UK); and Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller (US, South Africa). There are so many more.

In recent years according to the American Library Association many books are being listed as banned because of diversity, homosexuality, explicit sex, religious viewpoints and offensive language. As a writer I began to think of my own works and which (if I only had more prominence) of my books might be banned by these standards. I definitely have explicit sex and some foul language in several of my novels. One book centers on a Pakistani Muslim immigrant married to an American Christian. Another books deal with the trauma of rape. One of my short stories involves an interracial love affair. And while they are not the main characters I do have a Lesbian couple in a book.

I guess I am just one of those defiant writers. 

Be defiant — read a Banned Book today.

             9/25-10/1/2016

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