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Monday, August 16, 2004
"Giblets you should have gone to see Harold an Kumar Go To White Castle," says me. "It heralds the return of modern epic quest narrative, but in stoner form."
"Giblets eschews stoner movies in the same way Giblets eschews stoners," says Giblets. "Stoners are always tryin to smoke Giblets in massive Giblets-sized bongs. Begone stoners! Leave Giblets alone!" "It was the Citizen Kane of stoner movies," says me. "It touched on important ideas like the American dream an racial identity an boobs an stuff." "I prefer movies that teach important life lessons such as Alien Versus Predator," says Giblets, "which taught me that when faced with an Alien and a Predator Giblets should side with the Predator." "Yes because the enemy of my enemy is my friend," says me. "But is my friend the enemy of my enemy?" "That's a good question," says Giblets. "Are you enemies with my enemies, like that guy Lou from the taco stand?" "I dunno, I got no problem with Taco Stand Lou," says me. "Seems like a nice guy an he knows his tacos." "Cause if you aren't then we can't be friends!" says Giblets. "Okay Giblets okay," says me. "I will be enemies with Taco Stand Lou for you." "Great!" says Giblets. "Let's throw im in a potato sack an beat im with sticks." "I don't know if that is a good idea Giblets," says me. "I think it may alienate fellow taco stand dwellers for instance." "What is more important, your alliance with Giblets or your access to tacos?" says Giblets. "You are either with Giblets or with the taco guy!" "I know I have an idea!" says me. "Why don't we both get some tacos from the taco stand an call that a victory against our enemy Lou?" "How about we invade the taco stand an raid its tacos, then throw Lou in a potato sack an beat im with sticks?" says Giblets. "Giblets likes that idea better." "I think a solution which guarantees tacos an happiness an non-beatin with sticks is probably the one we are lookin for here," says me. "Hmmm, I dunno," says Giblets. "Giblets feels that his need for stick-beatin is bein seriously overlooked." "Well how many tacos would it take to make up for a lack of stick-beatin?" says me. "No amount of tacos would be sufficient!" says Giblets. "Giblets demands both tacos an the destruction of his enemies! We act now now now!" "Oh no mall security!" says me. "An they have sticks!" "Run away!" says Giblets an we do. So instead we bugged Mike at the hot dog place until he gave us some free hot dogs an we all went home happy. Labels: film
posted by fafnir at 6:24 PM
Friday, June 25, 2004
Flee from Giblets, Fahrenheit 9/11! Flee from Giblets, NOW!
The film: Nazi propaganda! The message: insolent lies! The filmmaker: not thin! All of these and more are true and will continue to be true UNTIL THE END OF TIME! They are so true they have seeped into the Collective Unconsciousness which is where Giblets became aware of this evil insolent Nazi propaganda film hell-beast from hell. So true Giblets did not actually have to see the movie itself in order to review it! Giblets will now recount to you the lies of Michael Moore! Such hideous lies! Stand exposed, Michael Moore! Stand exposed for the hideous liar you are! Stand exposed by Giblets! Labels: film
posted by Giblets at 5:17 PM
Thursday, June 24, 2004
So I was at the supermarket the other day buyin bananas an I see this banana with a big bright sticker on it that says "SEE GARFIELD THE MOVIE!" on it an I think to myself well if you can't trust a banana in this day in age who can you trust right so I pick up my things an run out the door as fast as I can down the street an over the other street an across the next one into the movie theater to see Garfield the Movie.
And it was bad. It was so so bad. On a scale from zero to suck it was a fifteen. So I ran back out the theater out the street over the next street right up the other street into the supermarket again past all the angry supermarket people who're all waitin for me from the last time when I ran out carryin all my supermarket things an I ran over to the banana an said "Banana I trusted you! I trusted you to give me an informed and unbiased opinion to direct me in the choices I make in my daily life an you misled me. You misled me with slick advertising and big capital letters and an urgent exclamation point an how am I supposed to believe anything you say now, banana, about how you are rich in potassium and how you are good for my bones and which politicians to vote for? Today I have lost not just a banana, banana, but a role model. You have cast a pall on all bananakind." At that point I hadda leave cause the supermarket people were throwin cheese samples at me.
posted by fafnir at 4:50 PM
Friday, June 4, 2004
Giblets has finally seen The Day After Tomorrow, and he has to say, boy, am I relieved! Giblets was worried that this "global warming" thing might be real for a while there but clearly it is some sensationalistic crazy Hollywood thing, like UFOs, Bigfoot, and the Holocaust.
Polar ice caps melting? New York City slowly falling under an interminably rising tide? Giblets does not think so! Not when the CG effects on those giant tornados are so obvious. Giblets does not believe in the future extinction of thousands of plants and animal species, any more than he believes that Dennis Quaid can walk a glacier in a blizzard for two days and live! So out with the coal and greenhouse gases! Giblets has fossil fuels to burn and internal combustion engines to run in a consequence-free environment! Two percent of climatologists can't be wrong! Labels: film, our world and how to kill it
posted by Giblets at 5:37 PM
Saturday, February 28, 2004
dir: Mel Gibson
reviewed by: Giblets Here are the notes I took on "The Passion": - Wait, this is a foreign film? If Giblets wanted to read he'd buy a book. Jesus. - Guards beat on Jesus when they arrest him. Serves him right for being a criminal - Giblets is "tough on crime." - But before the trial, even more beating. - And the beating continues. - Y'know what our court procedures need here in America? More beatings. - Oh, and now they're talking! Booooring. Get back to the beating! - King of Jews this, messiah that. This is like the part in the porno where the girl is surprised by the pizza delivery guy. - Pilate is soft spoken, sensitive and thoughtful. I like that in a tyrant. - Now they're flogging him - A lot of flogging here - The flogging is still going strong. Man, Mel Gibson must be really pissed at this Jesus person. - Wow, Mel Gibson sure does like his flogging, doesn't he? - About ten minutes into the flogging the Horrors burst free through my little desensitized skull and rampage throughout my brain. Dear god the Horrors! - Whoops, now I'm used to the Horrors again. Whew, that was close! - Jesus is now being spat at while he carries the cross up the road. Pretty seriously desensitizing at this point. In fact I'm kind of getting a heady impressionable desire to crucify someone myself. - The Horrors are now singing to me, "Let's go out to the lobby, let's go out to the lobby, let's go out to the lobby, and get ourselves a snack." Great idea, Horrors. Giblets is feeling like some Raisinettes right now. - And now a raven eats another cross-guy's eyeball. Shows you for screwing with the Romans, cross-guy! - Jesus is now dead. I have to say I kind of saw that one coming. - And wait - now he's back! Back with a vengeance. The ending's pretty weak - just a setup for the revenge-pic sequel, which should've just been Act 2 of this one - and you never really get introduced to these characters. Who is this Jesus guy? It is implied he is some kind of politician because in one of the flashbacks he's giving a speech. But throw us a real bone here Gibson! Give us an origin story! Bitten by a radioactive God? Strange visitor from another planet born of Mary? Giblets needs context! I also want to know what happens next to Jesus. After two hours of torture and death he isn't coming back to life just to play nice and absolve sins. No, he is coming back to give the mother of all ass-stompings. But we never get to see it. It's like seeing Dirty Harry's partners get killed off over and over again, and then having the movie end right there. Giblets demands satisfaction! Giblets demands vengeance! The supporting cast was very underdeveloped. There was some old lady who kept running around pestering Jesus from torture site to torture site, it was kind of weird. Is she the janitor because they show her cleaning up blood, or is she just some sicko who's "into" this stuff? Then there was Mary Magdalene, who was hot, but didn't get nearly as much screen time. Put the hot chick up front, Gibson! Of all the supporting characters, I would have to say the one who comes off the best by far is Pilate. Now of all the Roman tyrants who send thousand of Jews to their agonizing deaths without trial I have to say Pilate has to be the nicest. A lot of people are asking, "Is this movie anti-semitic"? Well, Giblets doesn't know about that. On the one hand there are mobs of angry crazed Jews hungry for Jesus-blood. On the other hand Mel Gibson has said that the movie is not anti-Semitic, and that he is only portraying events as they occurred. And how can you argue with that. Labels: film
posted by Giblets at 9:35 PM
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