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Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Friends, minions, applaudobots! Giblets is humbled by your shameless abasement before him. Bow before his resplendent humility! Bow before it NOOOOW!
The state of the universe is mighty! Freedom is on the march, especially in places like Iraq and Palestine. Their recent elections have proven once again that freedom is a photogenic spectacle involving smiling brown people with ink-stained digits. Kudos, Iraq and Palestine! You are a credit to purple-fingered invasion mascots everywhere! But freedom cannot rest easy because terror is on the rise, especially in places like Iraq and Palestine. Their recent elections have elevated violent right-wing radicals to power who support terrorists and death squads. You're dead to me, Iraq and Palestine! And after all the Iraqis and Palestinians we blew up to set you free! The only solution is to reinvade our own invasion of Iraq to free freedom from itself! Giblets hereby redeclares Operation Reliberationization! There can be no end but redevictory. There are those of you who have said that Giblets doesn't have a plan for victory. Well Giblets has a plan, and his plan is to tell you that you don't have a plan, because your plan was to point out that Giblets didn't have a plan before Giblets went and implemented his plan - which totally would've worked if Giblets actually had a plan! Being right is not a plan! Being wrong with resolve is a plan! Behold! To Giblets's right is the family of an unborn embryonic soldier recently killed in Iraq whose stem cells were kidnapped by gay married terrorists to be used in the creation of an animal-human hybrid. One day we will win this war and we will win it for him. And on that day he will rise from the dead and receive a health savings account! Remember the Maine! Fifty-four-forty or fight! Reduce, reuse, recycle! Under Giblets's rulership you are safer and more secure than ever before. But enemies are everywhere and they are seconds away from killing you with their laser breath! Giblets can protect you, but first he needs warrantless wiretaps, the line item veto, the mystic hammer of Thor, and none but the comeliest of virgins to be hurled into the fiery maw of the volcano god N'gothu, lest his gorge rise and consume us all! Witness! To Giblets's left is an American flag which has used its tax cuts to make a bipartisan commission for its starving family of ethanol subsidies. Would you take all that away by letting isolationist courts tax the Jesus fetus? Never! Because history is written in courage, and courage will remember us in the future how we were today: pandering, desperate and barely coherent! Freedom is on the march! Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! God bless this great nation! Labels: gibletology, warnography
posted by Giblets at 11:37 PM
Friday, September 23, 2005
Every so often Giblets gets mail asking him "oh where is Giblets" and "where did Giblets go" and "what will I do I am lost in the world without Giblets." This is understandable because without Giblets you are hopeless but Giblets needs some him-time every now and then, like over the last week went he went on holiday to explore and plunder the vast depths of the universe. He brought back presents.
 Behold the mighty fatbird! Do not let its complacently gluttonous appearance fool you - it is a deadly and malicious beast armed with folds of killer blubber capable of rolling at speeds of up to two meters per hour! Giblets valiantly faced down the terrifying creature in a life-and-death struggle Giblets barely survived, and now triumphantly returns with the monster's hulking corpse stuffed and mounted and attached to a keychain! It's not for you, don't touch! It is for Giblets. See here the horrors of the Mickeytron, the soulless robotic sentinel of an evil alternate future in which the artificial intelligence at the heart of the Epcott Center has finally overthrown mankind! The Mickeytron is simple to destroy but its power is that you do not want to - you want to buy it instead. You hate it, but you love its conveniently located gift shop! This is not for you, you do not deserve it, it is for Giblets! But here, here Giblets has something truly special - the evil pickle king, lord and ruler of the cruel and vicious pickle people who live at the center of the earth! Captured by his armies, Giblets was brought before the high pickle court and told there was but one chance to escape: to answer the ancient riddle of the pickle prophet. Giblets ate them all instead. Stupid pickles! Would you like the pickle king? Too bad, Giblets was saving this for Fafnir. But Fafnir is not worthy of this either. Giblets is going to give this to someone special, like Giblets.But do not worry - Giblets has saved the best gift of all for you... the gift of Giblets! Now that Giblets is back he is here to answer all your most important and vital questions to guide you through your life as only Giblets can. "Mmmmfffhthfhfh!" you say. Don't try to talk and eat and breathe at the same time! Oh, you are hopeless! Labels: gibletology
posted by Giblets at 11:49 AM
Thursday, April 7, 2005
The Squishless Horde of Giblets arrives at Sam's Club to collect Giblets's regular tribute - 100% off all electronics, paper goods, movies, bulk vitamins, Miracle-Gro and sugared cereals. The horde must grow large and strong upon the fat of wholesale America!
What's this? The horde is met by a small bald man who interferes with Giblets's constitutional duty to levy and collect tribute who also implies that hordes are prohibited. Insolent fool, none may prohibit the horde! The horde's most most feared weapon is unleashed - the Loaf of Doom! - and within moments our opponent swiftly relents, admitting Giblets to Sam's supplicant servants. Excellent, my minions! You serve Giblets well! The horde is directed to Molly in customer service who is quite helpful and polite. Apparently it is "company policy" to refuse the Gibletsian tithe. What madness is this! Such insolence will not go unpunished! Sam himself will be laid low before the might of Giblets, crushed and broken by the Squishless Horde! And when his innards are displayed upon my battlements, every Wal-Mart in the land will surrender its bounty of hearty Count Chocula cereals! To war! To war! Labels: gibletology
posted by Giblets at 10:10 AM
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Giblets is back! Back for REVENGE!
ENEMIES! Giblets dispatches them all with fast-flying fists and witty one-liners in a knock-down drag-out fight in a bar in a jungle on the moon where everything EXPLODES! THE SUN! Giblets thinks it's too hot today so he flies out to the sun in his spaceship and pops it one and it EXPLODES! BIG CARS! Giblets drives a truck real fast and some other guy Giblets doesn't know that well drives another truck real fast and they crash into buildings and cars and a traveling circus of man-eating sharks and everything EXPLODES! We take a break from the revenge for some ice cream. "Pretty good ice cream," says Fafnir. Eh. It's okay. But Giblets has had a lot better ice cream. THE LIBRARY! Giblets returns his books within the grace period alotted by library policy but is forced to pay a fee anyway and informs the librarian in a quiet even voice that the library will no longer be receiving his patronage and it EXPLODES! Giblets goes on to slay titans and kill giants and wrestle the King of the Ape-Men! Huzzah! Labels: gibletology
posted by Giblets at 11:28 AM
Monday, August 9, 2004
It is good to see you all here at this post supporting Giblets. Giblets is a good Giblets. Giblets is a great Giblets! Giblets has been a strong and steady Giblets and will continue to lead you to great and mightily Gibletsian things in the future!
 To your right - a picture of a man in a hot dog costume. Continue to choose Giblets and more such riches await you. But first you must bow before Giblets. Bow before Giblets NOOOOOW!Your bowing has been sufficient! You are aware that terrifying evildoers lurk throughout the world seeking to destroy the Gibletsian way of life. Our nation of Giblets-worshipers is in danger. In danger from huge invisible crawly things with pincers and snakes and bombs. And only Giblets can protect you from them. Protect you with my strong steady leadership. There are some anti-Gibletsian hatemongers who would oppose Giblets. They hate Giblets for being a mighty leader. They have said "We are tired of being strong and steady and safe. We would prefer a policy of wimpy namby-pambiness." Well Giblets will not roll over and let hs rights and freedom get trampled by evil invisible crawly things who menace Gibletsia at every turn. Giblets will only accept his rights and freedoms being trampled by things and people who look and sound like Giblets.  To your left - a picture of a giant terrifying pineapple.To prove what a great job Giblets is doing protecting you from dark unspeakable evil, Giblets announces that his latest tip has come from a double agent buried deep within enemy ranks named "Fafnir" who has just begun giving us tons of weighty and vital information. See how well Giblets protects you? Bow before his strong leadership! I said BOW! I do not see you bowing! I see you staring at a computer screen eating a bag of chips! BOW BOW BOW BOW BOW! Better. You may continue intermittant bowing for the duration of the post. Lastly and most importantly, we must always remember to - you there! With the "NO WAR FOR GIBLETS" sign! You are in violation of your loyalty oath! Guards! Seize him! Seize him NOOOOOOW! Labels: gibletology
posted by Giblets at 2:39 PM
Thursday, June 3, 2004
Giblets is angry! But why is Giblets angry? Is he really mad at all those things outside himself in the world, like hippies and bugs and lack of riches and babies? Or is he mad at something else? Maybe he is mad at something inside. Maybe he is mad at something somehow within Giblets, something that has picked at him sadly ever since he was a little Giblets.
Maybe all Giblets wants is to love and to be loved. Maybe Giblets needs to learn to love himself. Maybe the only one Giblets really wants to bow before Giblets... is Giblets. Bah! Wistfulness makes Giblets angry! A thousand poxes upon you all for watching Giblets's wistfulness! Martial law is imposed! Tariffs and taxes on everything! All fruit is banned! Giblets is angry! So, so angry! Labels: gibletology
posted by Giblets at 11:06 PM
Giblets is angry! There is a bug here on the carpet and Giblets has been trying to squash it and it keeps getting back up! This bug defies death! What unholy force animates you, bug? What dark power moves your undead bug-limbs? Your continued existence makes Giblets so angry!
Why must bugs exist? Earlier today Giblets was spraying all the bugs on his porch with bugspray but they just keep coming! Giblets has run out of bugspray and needs to buy more! Fafnir says "Oh the bugspray is bad for the environment" oh well excuse me environment but you made bugs and you enrage Giblets! The environment has made Giblets angry! I hope you get climate change and die! And the heat! And the itching! And the noise! And the silence! And the light! And the sun! And rain! And fibers and plastics and infants and moving things and air! Labels: gibletology
posted by Giblets at 10:23 PM
Giblets is angry! Where is his monkey? Not the dancing monkey or the juggling monkey, the violin-playing monkey! Its violin is right here and it should have a monkey attatched to it! Giblets paid good money for that monkey and he will be entertained by it if it is the last thing that monkey does! Bring him that monkey!
And another thing - where is my cocoa? Yes Giblets has a mug of cocoa right here but this is Nesquick cocoa, not Swiss Miss cocoa! Giblets will only drink Swiss Miss cocoa, and then only Swiss Miss French Chocolate cocoa. You are trying to pawn off your cheap crappy knock-off cocoa onto Giblets! Giblets will not stand for it! Bring me my cocoa! And where are my slaves? Thirteenth Amendment nothing, Giblets demands slaves! Slaves and concubines for Giblets! This is like the sixth or seventh time this week I have asked for slaves and monkeys and concubines and they have been tardy in their arrival! Giblets will tolerate this no longer! Bring Giblets his slaves! After all Giblets has done for you there is not much Giblets asks for in return, and that is a monkey. And cocoa and slaves and concubines. And drugs. And a conscripted army to fling to war at my bidding. A monkey and cocoa and slaves and concubines and drugs and a conscripted army to fling to war at my bidding. And he cannot even get that! Bring me my monkey! Bring me my monkey now! Labels: gibletology
posted by Giblets at 9:47 PM
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