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Thursday, January 14, 2010
Labels: doomed doomed doomed, godmotology
posted by fafnir at 8:06 AM
Sunday, February 5, 2006
 "What if it's not really a picture of Mohammed," says me, "just a picture of a picture of Mohammed?""Metablasphemy!" says Giblets. "It is sacrilegious and pretentious!" "What if it just looks like a picture a Mohammed but it's really a picture a Jesus wearin a real good Mohammed costume?" says me. "Then it is pretend blasphemy," says Giblets. "God can't tell the difference. He has to smite you just to make sure." "What if Mohammed's goin on a trip an hasta get a new passport picture?" says me. "Then God smites the DMV," says Giblets. "If Mohammed wants to fly on a plane he can be checked at the baggage counter or safely stowed in the overhead compartment like all the other prophets." "When Mohammed goes missin his mom can't put his face on a milk carton," says me. "Instead of a photo she gives the police a collection of ornate arabesques," says Giblets. "The resulting tri-county search for lost and wayward calligraphy is slow and inefficient at best." "Meanwhile Mohammed's stuck in the woods in a bear trap fightin off armies a hungry squirrels," says me. "Ironically he is prepared and eaten by observant Sunni squirrels according to strict halaal practices," says Giblets. "They just figure he's probably Habbakuk or Shmosiah, the loser prophets." "Mohammed decides to raise his profile by miraculously appearing in a bowl of tapioca," says me. "But he is quickly mistaken for Pudding Jesus." "The nearby Jesus chowder is enraged and demands an apology from the pudding impostor!" says Giblets. "Harsh words lead to harsher actions. Bowls clash, soup spills! War is declared!" "If only Sandwich Buddha were here to save us!" says me. "But he was too enlightmelicious for this world," says Giblets, "especially when purchased as a special value meal with a twelve-ounce coke and a bag of chips." "Will God ever forgive us for eating his bready bodhisattva?" says me. "As long as we never draw his picture," says Giblets. Labels: godmotology
posted by fafnir at 12:07 PM
Thursday, November 17, 2005
The Christian right has a long and illustrious history of confronting some of the greatest threats to America's moral security - the terror of zygoticide-on-demand, the pernicious civil-rightsification of marriage - but recently these watchful wackjobs have faced a far more dire danger: a looming lack of cervical cancer.
A safe, new vaccine threatens to protect women from harmful strains of the human papilloma virus, the primary cause of cervical cancer in the United States. By reducing the risk of sexually-transmitted death, the vaccine threatens to reduce the fear of premarital sex - further staining America's once lily-white purity, already tainted beyond recognition by effective birth control, gay rights, and the repeal of anti-miscegenation laws. Worse still, the dark and perverted forces of Big Health want to make this vaccine mandatory, seducing America's daughters with the possibility of rampant, hedonistic, tumor-free sex. Yes, it may be healthier. Yes, it may save lives. But what use is one's life if one's soul is marred with the unholy blemish of vaginaness? Thus do we learn the stakes of Dobson's Wager: better to repent and die of disease in the name of Hypothetical Heaven then to live a full and healthy life of sin at the risk of Hypothetical Hell. Of course, cervical cancer is only the tip of the iceberg. Were a vaccine to end the AIDS epidemic, could a much more terrifying sex-having epidemic be far behind? If universal health care makes affordable heart surgery available on a widespread scale, would it not make the sin of gluttony that much more tempting? If America hadn't rushed into an ill-conceived imperial venture in Iraq, would the ensuing spike in terror recruitment so focus humanity's thoughts on the hereafter? God created death and disease to provide a divine disincentive against soul-sullying sin. Can America afford to innoculate its children, insure its poor, and make peace with its neighbors if it means not living in fear of an insane, invisible overseer in the sky who barks at his creation in a series of mad, contradictory myths? Absolutely not. God bless the plague! Labels: godmotology, super science
posted by the Medium Lobster at 1:48 PM
Monday, September 19, 2005
"I dunno if this is gonna work, God," says me.
"Wattayamean, it's not gonna work!" says God. "I'm God! Of course it's gonna work!" "Well I'm just not sure if you can fit em all," says me. "The brachiosaurs weigh fifty tons each just by themselves an that's not countin the other seven hundred dinosaur species we gotta get on the boat." "Well of COURSE they're not gonna fit if you bring 'em on full SIZE!" says God. "First you gotta let em dry out so's they shrink back down to their original pill form. THEN, once the flood's over, you take 'em back outta the package, add water, and watch 'em grow!" "Well," says me. "I GUESS that could work." "Trust me," says God. "I had like fifty of these things when I was a kid. The first thing you do..." "RRRAAAAAARRRRRRHHHHH!" says the T-rex chompin God. "AAAA!" says me runnin away. "OH GOD!" says God. "So many teeth!" "An that's why bad things happen to good people," says me. "Giblets wants ice cream," says Giblets. Labels: godmotology, great moments
posted by fafnir at 4:48 PM
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Yknow we been hearin a lot lately about how Intelligent Design's not real science. Well that's just crazy talk! Ever since we got scientific evidence of the existence of God everybody down at the Faflab has been buildin off this cuttin edge field to come up with latest scientological developments.
-Physics- By observing the mating of Galapagos finches with high-precision godometers, Designmatologists have discovered the existence of the Godtrino - the subatomic particle that God is made of! Theoretical Godmologists have believed that evolution was caused by the presence of Godtrinos for years but this is our first concrete proof. And think of the practical applications once we manage to harness the power of mass Godtrino production! Turnin water into wine, smiting, more smiting, Gomorrorah burning, Jesus resuscitation. The possibilities are endless! -Biology- Intelligent Design has lead to the discovery of several exciting new species like gene fairies, DNA demons, and evolution angels! Intelligent Designologicologists carefully tag and release these specimens to study their migratory patterns as they travel from earth to heaven to alter our genetic code according to God's precise instructions. We also keep em in our brand new family adventure park, Wild Angel Jungle Safari! Feed the cherubim in our heavenly petting zoo, watch the four o' clock angel-an-walrus watershow spectacular, an buy some seraphim jerky at the gift shop! In conjunction with Faflabs, Gibco is proud to introduce the Angel Gun. What better way to show your appreciation of these beautiful an fascinatin creatures than by shootin a cherub an stickin it in a pickle jar on your coffee table! -Space- Now we know God exists, it's time for deep space God exploration! Intelligent Designostronomers have located him in orbit around the moon and believe the first Godstonauts could make a manned God landing as early as 2012. God's surface is rich in deposits of wine and communion wafers which could support the beginnings of a God colony, where advanced mining techniques could extract the omnipotence America could use to supply its energy needs for the next coupla years! The sky's the limit! Til we hit God. Then God's the limit. Labels: godmotology, super science
posted by fafnir at 5:50 PM
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
One thing is certain regarding the mideast conflict: Jesus is going to have to get tough with the Sharon government pretty soon. After years of broken campaign promises about maintaining Israeli settlements and casting the wicked into the lake of fire and brimstone which is the second death, it looks like pro-Jesus support is straining at the signs of Israel's Gaza pullout plan. If the Jesus administration doesn't crackdown on the peace process or implement a bold new plague initiative, it could take a massive hit in the upcoming midterms, to say nothing of the international credibility lost by showing a lack of resolve on the world stage.
The Medium Lobster expects that Jesus's foreign policy initiatives could be advanced considerably through a series of carrots and sticks aimed at derailing Israel's Gaza plan: increased exports of loaves, fish, and the body of Christ in the event of compliance with Heaven's dictates; a cessation of loan guarantees and a rain of blood and fire should Israel defy Heavenly law. Many will no doubt bemoan Jesus's failure to act as a "neutral arbiter," but when choosing between terrorists and the inscrutable prophecy of the Almighty, one can't afford even-handedness. All that's left is the question of where to relocate the Palestinians. Jesus has pointed out that in his father's kingdom are many mansions, and while Palestinians almost certainly couldn't afford their rent and upkeep, the now-abandoned housing projects on Heaven's outskirts could serve as an excellent refugee camp. Labels: godmotology, rhymes with shmisrael, warnography
posted by the Medium Lobster at 2:47 PM
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Jesus Signing the Declaration of Independence
 Yahweh Crossing the Delaware  Moses Versus Hamburglar  Labels: godmotology
posted by fafnir at 6:03 PM
Sunday, May 1, 2005
"Man, this is gonna be fuckin' hilarious!" says God.
"I dunno God," says me. "I'm not sure I get it." "No, no, it's gonna be fuckin' fantastic," says God. "'Cause y'see, everybody's gonna think there's dinosaurs, and there's not! That's gold - solid gold!" "I guess that's funny," says me. "Not really ha ha funny, more like Andy Kaufmann funny." "Dude, you just don't get it," says God. "Now c'mon, you gotta check out these, these trilobites! Ohmigod! Ohmigod, these're fuckin' classic!" "I think this is like that time we were out drivin an you got all excited about stealin that 'SALAD BAR' sign over that restaurant," says me. "Know what, man, I am fuckin' starvin'," says God. "After this we're totally gettin' some tacos." Labels: godmotology, great moments
posted by fafnir at 4:03 AM
Thursday, March 10, 2005
"I believe in a nation of laws rigorously ordered according to the dictates of logic and reason," says James Madison, "and I propose that each citizen be apportioned his vote based upon his balance of the four cardinal elements of earth, wind, water, and fire, to be measured in a census conducted by the Alchemist General."
"Nonsense and poppycock!" says Alexander Hamilton. "Your antique notions have no place in the modern age, Madison! Votes should be weighted according to a man's balance of true natural elements, aligned according to the periodic table. Thus a man whose essence is comprised primarily of phosphorpous receives half the legislative representation of a man whose spirit is made of zinc!" "Gentlemen, gentlemen, please," says God. "I believe I have the solution. You may call Me old-fashioned, but I believe the governing structure of this new law should be based firmly on the Biblical principles of a strong executive, an independent judiciary, a bicameral legislature with an upper and lower house, checks and balances, and a bill of rights to ensure the preservation of basic liberties." "That's a great idea God!" says me. "I don't know why we didn't think it up ourselves!" Then when nobody's lookin Earl Warren an the ACLU show up an beat up God an steal his lunch money an that's when slavery an stuff happens. Labels: godmotology, great moments
posted by fafnir at 4:49 PM
Saturday, February 19, 2005
Chris is pretty sick an we should probably do somethin about it. So me an Giblets break out our trusty ol Vatican exorcism trainin an get to work!
"Where's the drugs Satan!" says Giblets hittin Chris with the rosary. "We got your prints all over the weapon an your buddy's fessed up!" "Whoa I do not think I can control my crazy partner here," says me who's bein the "Good Exorcist." "Better give Giblets what he wants Satan an stop possessin our friend." Chris just starts makin "please i need my medicine" noises. Bad Chris! That's just what the demon wants. "Now demon I cast you into this herd a pigs," says me. "That's not a herd a pigs, that's a can a ham!" says Giblets. "It's Plumrose brand ham which I find to be a fine product suitable for many occasions an I don't see why the devil should think otherwise," says me. "He's a duke of the nether-hells! What could he want with the ham of mortals!" says Giblets. "Are we supposed to put somethin in his mouth to keep him from swallowin his tongue or somethin?" says me. "Mmmf," says Giblets fulla ham. This could take a while. Labels: godmotology
posted by fafnir at 9:33 PM
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Well I just found this story by way of Balloon Juice (one of the finest kindsa juice) an it has us dismayed over at Fafblog.
"I am dismayed because that little girl cannot eat the wafer," says me. "Without the wafer she will never get her recommended daily allowance of Jesus." "Giblets is not concerned with the heartless exclusionary legalism of the Catholic hierarchy!" says Giblets. "Giblets is concerned because it clearly states that only unleavened wheat can turn into parts of Jesus! We have been workin with leavened flour!" "But we have to Giblets," I says pointin at the nicely molded Jesus dough. "Otherwise our Jesus Bread-Golem will not rise when we bake him." "But what is the point of bakin a Jesus if the priest we get cannot turn him into a real Jesus?" says Giblets. "We will just have a huge, useless, tasty, fresh, bready Jesus sittin in our oven!" "But surely God will want to transubstantiate our bread Jesus," says me. "It is our best plan yet for bringin Jesus back." "God can't make regular bread into Jesus! It is against the Jesus code!" says Giblets. "I told you we should have brought Jesus back as Cyborg Jesus. We have the technology. We can rebuild him!" "We cannot afford the technology," says me. "It is like the time we tried to build Mecha-Jesus an could only buy one mechanical Jesus toe." "We would have already had a functioning Jesus Clone if it wasn't for you gettin the wrong Shroud of Turin," says Giblets. "The Pope tole me it was genuine Jesus blood!" says me. "An now we are stuck with Crazy Templar Guy in our basement," says Giblets. There is an eerie Latin moanin comin up from underneath. "I think he is hungry," says me. "He wants more soup an Byzantine gold." "Man," says Giblets, "I hate Crazy Templar Guy." Labels: godmotology
posted by fafnir at 2:17 PM
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