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Wednesday, September 28, 2011
"Now is there any new business," says Giblets.
"Well the boat's sinking," says me. "Giblets seems to recall that coming up at the last meeting," says Giblets, "which would make that old business." "Well it's more sinking-er than it was last time," says me. "That's kind of new." "And under Old Business we agreed to form a Boat Sinking Committee to launch an investigation into the possibility of making a preliminary report on the subject of recommending the formal and official declaration of a Boat Sinking Committee," says Giblets. "The Boat Sinking Committee has sunk," says me, "along with their half a the boat." "Well that wraps up the old business!" says Giblets. "Who wants a grilled cheese!" "The boat's also on fire," says me. "Perfect," says Giblets. "The water from the sinking and the fire from the burning will cancel each other out, leaving us standing on dry land." "I feel like there's something wrong with that but I can't put my finger on it," says me. "Because my finger would burn or drown." "Next order of business!" says Giblets. "Should Giblets grill his grilled cheese on rye bread or cheddar cheese loaf?" "See, I almost wonder if this isn't the time for grilled cheese," says me, "what with the burning and the sinking and all the fire coming out of the cheese grill." "Cause cheese loaf is great by itself, but on a grilled cheese it might be overpowering," says Giblets. "But I don't know whether to try to put out the fire or try to bail out the boat or scream and panic and scream," says me. "Come to think of it this is really the kind of discussion that calls for a Boat Burning Committee." "Well it looks like there's no other choice," says Giblets. "The motion is for the rye. All in favor?" "I think the Boat Burning Committee's first course of action should probably be to figure out if we're on fire now," says me. "And if so, do we Stop Drop and Roll, do we See Something Say Something, or do we Click It or Ticket?" "In that an abstention?" says Giblets. "Cause that makes it one in favor and one abstention." "I think we should call for a floor vote," says me. "Any seconds? Anyone?" "Now for the new business," says Giblets. "Why's it so hot in here?" Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 9:09 AM
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
"If you had to do it all over again what would you do different?" says me.
"Nothing!" says Giblets. "Giblets has no regrets!" "I think I'd travel more or go back to art school or maybe not drive the car off that cliff back when you said 'Hey Fafnir let's drive this car off that cliff'," says me. "Oh, so we're back to this again!" says Giblets. "That was like, eight whole seconds ago. Let it go already! You're livin in the past!" "Or at least maybe I'd pick a smaller cliff," says me."This's been a really long cliff." "Y'know what your problem is?" says Giblets. "You're always looking back. 'Oh boo hoo, remember the Good Ol' Days, back when we lived on the ground and we weren't on fire.' Well Giblets lives for today, and we're air people now! We live in the air! At least for the next several seconds." "Of course when you think about it I guess you can't really blame this on any one decision," says me. "Driving off the cliff, running off the cliff, falling off the cliff - it's a pretty complicated tangle of factors there." "I mean if we made any mistake it was not falling enough," says Giblets. "Because obviously we should've started out falling sideways, where there's just a ton more room. Giblets assumes future generations will develop the relevant technology." "Maybe I just shoulda stayed home today," says me. "Maybe I shoulda stayed in last year. Last year wasn't a bad year, I coulda stayed in last year for a couple more years." "In the meantime Giblets proposes a system whereby we fall out ahead of ourselves, and then dig a hole in the ground ahead of us for us to fall into to maintain our fall," says Giblets. "That way we preserve the fall - not just for us, but for the children." "But I'm not real sure why I moved into last year in the first place," says me. "I mean I was pretty happy in the year before that, and the year before that was even nicer. And now that I think about it I really coulda spent the last twenty years or so living in that day in third grade when I kicked the winning ball in kickball and went on to win the school spelling bee." "Years from now man will have left the earth to assume his rightful place falling repeatedly to the earth," says Giblets, "with great buildings and cities built in the sky itself, to defy the very laws of gravity with humanity's unconquerable zeal for life!" "Really, what I think it is, is I never shoulda grown arms and legs," says me. "I woulda made a great clam." "Countless millions will die," says Giblets. "It's really going to be pretty terrible." "Oh well," says me. "Maybe next time." "This ground's gonna swerve first," says Giblets. "You can see it in its eyes." Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 8:21 AM
Friday, April 9, 2010
"If you could wish for one wish from all the wishes you could wish, what would you wish?" says Giblets.
"Well yknow I always thought the world'd be a better place if people could communicate better," says me, "which is why I developed Fafsperanto, the universal language made from English and Spanish and Urdu and Mandarin and rhythmic elephant trumpeting." "Shut up Giblets doesn't care!" says Giblets. "Giblets would wish for a singing tap-dancing joke-telling bagel named Starchy O'Shaughnessy and put it in a sold-out Broadway musical revue as the Eighth Wonder of the World!" "It was actually goin pretty good for a while," says me, "with the classes on tape and the courses online and a lotta elephants were pretty interested in the semester abroad program." "People would come from miles and miles to marvel and wonder at the amazing miraculous feats and powers of Giblets's magical tap-dancing bagel until Giblets got bored and ate it," says Giblets. "But it all kinda fell apart after the bursar tried to shoot one a the TAs to harvest his tusks and a visiting lecturer trampled the provost in the faculty lounge," says me. "Then Giblets would wake up so full of guilt and grief and rage and remorse for eating his innocent bagel friend that he would use his second wish to destroy the earth," says Giblets. "Now I think maybe everybody should come with their own personal language as well as a book of handy phrases like 'I would like to purchase the balloon' and 'which way to the zoo'," says me. "And after destroying the earth Giblets would feel so full of guilt and grief and so on that he would use his third and final wish to wish that none of his other wishes were ever wished and for all we know this has already happened," says Giblets. "La playa," says me readin out loud. "Donde está la playa." "Giblets's second choice would be a llama that plays the saxophone," says Giblets. Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 9:04 AM
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
So I guess I musta slept late or forgot the alarm or hit the snooze too many times or somethin cause when I wake up this mornin I'm in the future. The future's a lot like the present only it's older and more used up. The streets are dusty and the the cars are pre-crashed and the ground's retired and the sky's closed for repairs so most people just stay inside and break things at home. I go out to get some breakfast but when I get there I'm already there. "Pleased to meet you, future me," says me. "I know, I remember," says future me. "Future Giblets wants waffles," says future Giblets but all the waffles have already been eaten by those bastards in the past.
There's not much to do so we head out to the movies. It's a remake of a sequel of a spinoff of a show about a show about the time we saw this show. "Looks pretty good," says me. "Ehh, I seen it before," says future me. "Future Giblets wants jujyfruits," says future Giblets. We head out to the lobby to get some snacks but by the time we get there we've already had em. We spend most a the afternoon diggin around in the backyard for scraps. I find half a Saturday morning and an old arrowhead an part of a used July but the guy at the scrapyard says he can only give us six-fifty for em on accounta they're all covered with people. We figure we'll get some ice cream on the way home but the ice cream's all melted and the truck's broken down and the ice cream man's been eaten by thousands of tiny mice so we settle for some popsicles instead. The next day we take a bus to the past. They're closed when we get there so we end up campin out in fronta the ticket booth with some woolly mammoths and a dodo. "Future Giblets wants an omelette," says future Giblets. "Waawk," says the dodo. Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 8:56 AM
Thursday, January 21, 2010
"Yknow it's always darkest before the dawn," says me.
"Unless the sun blows up," says Giblets. "Cause now that the sun's blown up it's just always darkest before it gets more dark." "Well I guess so," says me. "But even then you got the bright side a the sun blowin up, like no more sunburns an cheaper parkin at the beach an more job opportunities for our friends in the vampire community." "You talk crazy talk!" says Giblets. "Vampires will never overcome the systemic racial prejudice of the wolfman-industrial complex!" "See that's just the kinda negative-nancy gloom-and-doom-talk that got the sun blown up in the first place," says me. "Oh, the sun's too hot. Oh, the sun causes cancer. Oh, let's shoot this sun-exploding missile at the sun." "Look, we could sit around all day pointing fingers and playing the blame game but where's that gonna get us?" says Giblets. "Blamed, that's where! What we need to do is come up with alternative sources of sun, like real big light bulbs or a cheaper more portable God or a way to set the moon on fire." "Maybe we can rub Mercury and Venus together real fast over a big pile a sticks," says me. "Maybe we can lure a new sun with candy and toys and stuff it into a sack and take it home," says Giblets "Maybe we can paint a big yellow spot on the sky and nobody'll know the difference," says me. "Maybe we don't need the stupid ol sun at all!" says Giblets. "Maybe we just need to blow up the cold, too! Giblets demands war on snow, airstrikes on glaciers, multinational economic sanctions on the stratosphere!" "Maybe we'll just have to get along without a sun for a while," says me. "It'll be like it was in the ol days, back before we got all hung up on fancy modern conveniences like light and plants and breathable air." "A return to simpler times," says Giblets, "like in the days of our hearty dirt ancestors." "See, every cloud has a silver lining," says me. "Or it would, if we hadn't blown up the clouds," says Giblets. Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 1:04 PM
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
"You think there's life on other planets?" says me.
"Nah, Giblets checked already," says Giblets. "Are you sure?" says me. "Maybe you missed a spot." "Sure I'm sure," says Giblets. "Here, lemme show you. Hey! Hey you! You up there! Hey! Hey you! You! Hey! Hey you!" We wait around a while. "See?" says Giblets. "Nothin." "Maybe they're just a little shy," says me. "Nuts to your shy!" says Giblets. "If they were really out there in space with their space-cars and their space-guns and their metal-bikini-wearing space-babes they would totally come over here to show off all their space-stuff and make us feel like losers! That's just science!" "Well you can't argue with science," says me. "No you can't," says Giblets. "Well maybe they dropped by some time when we were out at the store and they rang the doorbell and hung around and were all like 'Oh well let's just leave a crop circle on the doorknob'," says me. "You talk crazy talk!" says Giblets. "The first thing they'd do is look for the key under the moon and break into the earth and steal all our best oceans and continents!" "Well maybe they didn't want our stuff," says me. "Maybe they already have a Greenland, or maybe the Pacific was the wrong color." "Well at the very least they would've eaten us," says Giblets. "Just look at us, all marbled with succulent fat and dripping with tasty earth juices!" "Maybe they're vegans," says me. "Or maybe we taste all weird an gamey." "Well what's the point of being bigger than someone else if you're not gonna kill them or take their stuff!" says Giblets. "Maybe they're not bigger," says me. "Maybe they're just things like birds and bugs and fish and us." "Well that's just stupid and boring and stupid and lame and Giblets is going home!" says Giblets. I wait around a while. A little after sunset a big bright saucer lands in the park and a thing comes out. "Kthp gn unngko?" it says. "Nah, it's the next one over," says me. "Klbbyp nom," it says and flies away. "Stupid birds," says me. Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 10:26 AM
Monday, November 2, 2009
Well the bridge is out and the road is closed and the cops're after us and the feds're after the cops and the bagman got run over by the driver and the driver got eaten by the bear and nobody's sure who put the bear in charge anyway, you never put the bear in charge, it has terrible interpersonal skills, and the case in the back a the trunk a the car containing the canvas of Ernst's L'Ange du Foyer has been accidentally replaced with an eighty-five-hundred pound bull rhinoceros enraged by our continuing encroachment upon its natural habitat and I thought we were goin to a pub quiz tonight but I guess the plans kinda changed and it'd probably be rude to bring it up at this point but I'm not real sure how I got here in the first place, and when you think about it you really have to go all the way back to school, and mom thought I should be a doctor and dad thought I should be an industrial wood lathe and I wanted to be the Cenozoic Era and we tried to work out a compromise but lookin back it was really the kinda situation where nobody was gonna end up really satisfied in the end and they say you should never look back but it's hard not to when you're bein chased by a rhinoceros and I'm sure there's a valuable life lesson here somewhere but I think it got eaten by the bear, and when this is over and the fire's put out and the cops're asleep in their cave under the sea we'll always have tomorrow, or the day after the day after the day after that.
Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 6:40 PM
Monday, September 14, 2009
"Once upon a time there was a fafnir and a giblets, and their names were Fafnir and Giblets," says me.
"Giblets can't relate to these characters," says Giblets. "Who do they come from and where are they going and what are their hopes and their dreams and their dark and buried pasts? Giblets demands backstory!" "And they were pirates and spacemen and industrial chemical mixers who sailed the sea and tilled the land to get the girl and win the big game and ride the road of truth and self-discovery and a course the American Dream," says me. "Giblets does not believe in this story," says Giblets. "Where is the dirt and the dust and the gritty grainy gunk of the everyday? Giblets demands verisimilitude!" "And they dragged their straw-thatched huts and their earthenware mules and remembered the sweet-smelling spices and the warm baked bread of Grandma Stolchi's industrial meat-packing plant," says me. "Giblets is uninspired," says Giblets. "Where is the greatness and the grandeur and the daring doing of deedly deeds? Giblets demands a sense of the epic!" "And the mountains crunched and the thunder groaned and the wind and the war and the singing of songs and the angry angry sea," says me. "Giblets is detached," says Giblets. "Where is the warmth of the heart of the fiery fires of the human experience? Giblets demands more feeling!" "And though their love was deep and fierce and right and true it was doomed from the start," says me, "for she was only a lowly scullery maid, and he had been trampled to death by elephants." "Giblets is confused," says Giblets. "Where is this going and what does it mean and how does it contribute to the advancement of the art of American letters? Giblets demands a theory of storytime!" "And they all lived happily ever after," says me, "except for the ones who were squashed or exploded or eaten by bees." "Tell me another one," says Giblets. Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 8:01 AM
Monday, June 22, 2009
"How long you think we got before the end of the world?" says me.
"Forever!" says Giblets. "We'll outlast the universe with nothing but gumption and can-do and thousands of tiny robots!" "It's true!" says me. "A year before the end of the world we will solve the everything shortage through the invention of a miraculous device that can make anything out of simple air and dirt!" "Now all we need is a way to replenish our rapidly dwindling supply of air and dirt," says Giblets. "A dangerous rogue nation begins exploiting the air shortage through the suspected inhalation of strategic air currents," says me. "Sabers are rattled, sanctions imposed, war is declared!" says Giblets. "Who wins the war?" says me. "No one," says Giblets, "but that's not important, what's important is the principle!" "That's right!" says me. "And what's the principle?" "Eh, who cares," says Giblets. "Meanwhile a super-secret rocket ship carrying our best and brightest rich people blasts off from earth to start up a newer, sexier earth in the vastness of space!" "They are caught by the government of space and deported for overstaying their visas," says me. "A month before the end of the world we solve all our energy problems by tapping into the vast inexhaustible power source of the sun!" says Giblets. "A week after that we run outta sun," says me. "And who needs the fat stupid sun anyway, so stupid and fat!" says Giblets. "A deadly rogue nation is suspected of exploiting the dirt crisis by hoarding its own supply of dirt," says me, "as well as a secret stockpile of rocks, which could be potentially enriched into dirt." "Sabers are rattled, sanctions imposed, war is declared!" says Giblets. "A week before the end of the world it's finally time for the rapture," says me. "The skies open up and the heavens roll back and God descends from the firmament to rescue his chosen people, the Ganges river dolphin." "Stupid dolphins, with their universal brotherhood and their gentleness of spirit!" says Giblets. "We shoulda finished em off when we had the chance." "A day before the end of the world there's a super-big emergency meeting of super-big emergency countries about the end of the world," says me. "The big question of the day is, what are we gonna do about the end of the world?" "Sabers are rattled, sanctions imposed, war is declared!" says Giblets. "An hour before the end of the world we're sittin in a bunker thinkin about all the valuable lessons we learned," says me. "Giblets has learned how to draw a turkey by tracing his hand and adding a smiley face," says Giblets. "And I learned that if you try real hard anything is possible in the end!" says me. "It's too bad we didn't try then," says Giblets. "Well maybe next time," says me. Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 10:13 AM
"There's a bomb somewhere in the city, and it's going to go off in twenty-four hours!"
"Oh no!" "Get me the president!" "We don't know the president." "Then get me the vice-president!" "We don't know him either." "Well how bout our local city councilman? We can start up a petition or a letter-writing campaign!" "It'll be an adventure... in civics!" "There's a bomb somewhere in this kitchen, and it's going to go off in a week!" "Oh no!" "Probably! If it gets around to it! It's got a lot on its plate right now!" "Someone in this room is a murderer!" "Statistically speaking, that is, since this room is a very large room!" "In fact it is less of a room and more of an amphitheater." "In fact it is less of an amphitheater and more of an ocean." "Someone in this room is a series of coral atolls!" "There's a bomb behind this couch, and it is not actually a bomb, it is actually a potato." "And it's going to go off in twenty-four hours!" "Oh no!" Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 9:10 AM
Monday, February 2, 2009
"The earth will quake and the sea will boil and the moon will be as blood and every knee shall bow before the coming of the Fafblocalypse!" says Giblets.
"Or we could take the bus home," says me. "The bus is damned!" says Giblets. "It is dumb and lame and smells like bus-smell and its name shall be struck from the Book of Life which is the second death!" "I don't see a book a life," says me goin through the knapsack. "We got some mad libs an a ol Count Chocula box an a copy a Dr. Seuss's Gustavus Goose and the Moose on the Loose." "Then the bus's name shall be struck from that!" says Giblets. "Which is, like, one and a half deaths at least." "Maybe we can take the train then," says me. "Amtrak is also damned!" says Giblets. "All are lame and fallen short of the glory of Giblets! Fetch the list of plagues!" "Sugar, corn syrup, high fructose corn syrup," says me readin the Count Chocula box. "Lecithin, niacin, potassium sorbate, potassium benzoate..." "On the first day will come the plague of rats!" says Giblets. "On the second day will come the plague of even fatter rats! On the third day will come ice cream." "See, there you go!" says me. "Everybody likes ice cream." "Ice cream full of rats!" says Giblets. "On the fourth day will come the plague of locusts. On the fifth day will come the plague of tiny rats riding locusts and throwing tiny rat spears at everybody! On the sixth day will come the plague of frogs!" "What happens if the plague of frogs starts eatin the plague of locusts?" says me. "Well then Giblets will smite the plague of frogs with a plague of snakes," says Giblets. "But won't the plague of snakes just eat the plague of rats?" says me. "Then Giblets will just have to smite the plague of snakes with a plague of mongooses!" says Giblets. "But then the mongooses will just eat the rest a the locusts," says me. "Oh, stupid insectivores!" says Giblets. "The food chain is damned!" "Hey, I know!" says me. "Maybe we can just forget the whole plague thing an try somethin different. Like insteada blowin up the world we could make it stay after school or boycott its advertisers or write a strongly-worded letter to its ombudsman." "Never! The world has been wicked and forgotten our commandments!" says Giblets. "The first commandment is to obey our commandments. The second commandment is to obey the first commandment. The third commandment is why aren't you obeying our commandments? The fourth commandment is you are damned!" "They're the time-tested moral truths this country was founded on," says me. "And that's why it's damned!" says Giblets. "Which reminds me, it's time for the roll call of the damned! When you hear your name called line up on the left-hand side for the lake of fire and rats. Remember no pushing or cutsies! Cutsies will be damned!" "I don't see who you're talkin to," says me lookin around. "Well we musta got here early," says Giblets. "The rest of the world should be here any minute now." "I still don't see em," says me. "Maybe you forgot to send the invites." "No, Giblets sent them out like a month ago!" says Giblets. "They were on the little Transformer party cards that said 'end of the world, Monday at three, save the date'." "Well maybe you shoulda told everybody there was gonna be cake," says me. "The cake was gonna be the big surprise!" says Giblets kickin the cake. "Well no more Mr. Nice Armageddon! Double the rats! Triple the plagues! Release the ominous dream midgets! Everybody's extra-damned now!" "I don't think anybody's coming, Giblets," says me feedin a piece a carrot to one a the rats. "Well obviously!" says Giblets. "And now Giblets has sixteen plagues and a rented lake of fire that are just going to waste!" "No, I mean I don't think anybody's coming ever," says me. "Giblets doesn't understand," says Giblets. "There's nobody left, Giblets," says me. "The world's already ended." The rat finishes the carrot and looks around. It's pretty quiet. "You talk crazy talk!" says Giblets. "The world can't end!" "It musta happened a while ago," says me. "The good guys were busy bombin the bad guys for tryin to bomb the good guys back, an in the meantime the ocean started rising, so they bombed the ocean, which worked okay till they started runnin outta ocean. Then they started drillin in the ocean for more ocean, and -" "Why didn't you tell Giblets!" says Giblets. "Well you seemed so excited," says me. "But! Bhaheh!" says Giblets. "But Giblets likes the world." "It's not so bad Giblets," says me. "We got some good mossy rocks, an the rain still works, an maybe if you're good in a coupla hundred million years we'll get some kinda squid people." Giblets sniffs. "Really?" says Giblets. "You promise?" "Well first you gotta show you're responsible," says me. "Like maybe we can start you out with some bugs an microbes for a while, an if you take good care of em maybe in a coupla geological epochs we can get you some vertebrates or hunter-gatherers or a puppy." "Giblets promises he'll be good!" says Giblets. "Giblets will feed the world and walk it and play with it every day!" "Well, okay then," says me pickin up the last couple rats. "We can start off with these guys an see where it goes from there." "Giblets will name this one Atom, for he will be the foundational element of our bold new world!" says Giblets. "And I'll name this one Steve, after my uncle Steve," says me. "And together they shall claim tomorrow for all ratkind!" says Giblets. "Could be worse," says me. Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 8:29 AM
Monday, December 8, 2008
So I'm headin out to the store to get some popcorn when a snowstorm hits town an freezes me in a block a ice. A coupla thousand years later I get thawed out by some friendly sciencebots diggin through the arctic tundra who label me an ship me to my new home at the Franklin D. Schwarzenegger Museum of Disposable History where I dazzle and amaze the children of tomorrow with the edutaining puppet shows of yesterday.
"And that's how Jesus wrote the Constitution," says me. "Tell us more tales of your savage time!" says one a the disembodied floatin brains. "Well back in the ol days we didn't have your fancy Senatrons and Congressbots," says me. "We hadda pick our presidents the ol fashioned way, with a money-eating contest. The first candidate to swallow half a billion dollars without throwin up would be King of all Florida!" "Intriguing!" says the second brain. "Now battle Clone Lincoln... to the death!" "Raaarrrrr!" says Clone Lincoln. The exhibit closes after a coupla weeks. The curator brain says they might do another one where I narrate scenes from World War Four where Allied leaders oil up and wrestle crocodiles if they can get enough grant money together. In the meantime I get shipped off to a living history museum in New Texylvania where I portray Agnes, a hardscrabble milk maid workin her way across the historic American frontier. "It used to take six whole hours to churn just one pail a butter," says me churnin some pretend butter. "Raaarrrrr!" says Buzz Aldrin crashin through the door. "Oh no, moon rabies, a ubiquitous hazard of the historic American frontier!" says me. We battle to the death. Everything seems to be goin okay til the FBI raid. It turns out butter is now classified as a Schedule I narcotic and I am under arrest on eighteen counts of racketeering, possession with intent to distribute and de-assaulting a police assaulter. I escape in the middle of the night with the help of an unfrozen caveman, an animatronic dinosaur and the robotic head of Alexander Hamilton. We make our way across the countryside disguised as a band of wandering minstrels til I find my way home. "Did you get the popcorn?" says Giblets. "Nah it got all snowy," says me. "You are useless like the buffalo!" says Giblets. So I'm headin back out to the store when an unseasonable monsoon hits an buries half the town in a mudslide. I am discovered ten thousand years later by a group a golden-helmed god-kings riding horses of flame. "Welcome, Fafnir, to the Age of Wonders!" says the god-kings. "Stupid age of wonders," says me. Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 10:11 AM
Monday, September 29, 2008
NASA's lost contact with the elephant and nobody's really sure why. Ground control says it's because of an improperly synchronized transponder on board the Hesperus II, the multi-billion dollar experimental space capsule designed to test the effects of weightlessness on elephants. The elephant says it's an attempt to escape a nightmarish future dystopia ruled by savage warrior apes. They agree to disagree.
The last transmission the elephant gets from earth is a C-SPAN broadcast of an emergency meeting of a subcommittee of the Joint Committee to Form Subcommittees on the projected national space elephant shortfall. The missions are missing and the numbers are bad and the Russians are workin on an unfrozen space mammoth and the Chinese just put a rhino in a hot air balloon and how will our nation compete and maintain its strengthutation on the world stage and the elephant misses the rest on accounta that's when the aliens show up. The aliens teach the elephant about the mysteries of the universe and the harmonic unity of all things and the elephant teaches the aliens how to touch the top of your head with your nose. The aliens are pretty impressed and make the elephant their official Space Ambassador to Space. Years later the elephant finds God orbiting a gas giant in a nearby solar system. "Are you God?" says God. God's been here a while. "No, I'm an elephant," says the elephant. They talk for hours. Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 9:55 AM
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Attention everything! You are stupid and flabby and pointless and have not been pulling your weight and giving one hundred and twelve percent and with the growth in the last quarter and the new industry realities and the productivity and the GDP and the whatnot a lot of you have to go. Shut up Giblets is talking! The following things are fired, effective immediately! Pack yourselves up and file out the back when you hear your names called. Do not stop to pick up your severance packages, severance packages have been fired!
- the horseshoe crab - the fiddler crab - the stalk-eyed mud crab - crabs - fish, for frequently consorting with crabs - water, for frequently consorting with fish - clouds, for repeatedly refusing to assume bunny shape upon command - North Dakota, for its stubborn attempts to house water and clouds - South Dakota, for always giggling in the cafeteria next to North Dakota - Wyoming, for its uncomfortable proximity to the Dakotas - North America, for containing Wyoming - the snowy egret - the great egret - the intermediate egret - the western reef egret - herons, for looking a lot like egrets - John James Audubon, for his lengthy association with herons and egrets - the nineteenth century, for its lengthy association with John James Audubon - the twentieth century, for bearing a suspicious resemblance to the nineteenth century - etc. The list is long and horrible and tedious and continues for thousands of millions of pages and you will read it all or else you will be fired! And then you will be fired. Labels: true adventures
posted by Giblets at 10:28 PM
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
"When Jesus died for our sins did he die for gorilla sins too?" says me. "Gorilla sin contains 97.7% of the same sin as regular sin."
"Nah, Jesus can't handle stuff like apular envy and orangutangular lust," says Giblets. "You need Gorilla Jesus for that." "Gorilla Jesus was created in an accident of mad Jesus science," says me, "when a test ape launched to earth in an experimental God rocket was transformed by exposure to cosmic Godmotron particles." "When the rocket crashed Gorilla Jesus survived with mysterious messiah powers," says Giblets, "like consubstantiality and hypostatic unity and x-ray vision." "He was raised by humble farmer parents deep in the ape heartland," says me, "but moved to the big city to spread his gospel a peace an love an feces-flinging to all people." "And he traveled throughout the land working signs and miracles and wonders like the Feeding Of The Three and the Turning Of Water Into Slightly Less Water and the Look I've Got Your Nose," says Giblets. "And the other gorillas marveled and wondered and said 'surely this ape is the ape of apes'." "Or they would've, if they knew how to say stuff," says me. "But the ape authorities rejected the message of Gorilla Jesus, cause their hearts were hard and their minds were closed and they couldn't tell what he was sayin cause they were all just a buncha gorillas," says Giblets. "And so they tried an convicted Gorilla Jesus of heresy an witchcraft an they sentenced him to death," says me. "And that's when the robots attacked." "The robots had followed Gorilla Jesus to earth tracking his space capsule on a routine salvage mission when their programming was overridden by Jesus-X1X, the evil machine Jesus from the year five billion," says Giblets. "In the year five billion heaven has been digitized for our convenience and uploaded into the GODIAC-9000 supercomputer by the good people at HolySoft," says me. "But security holes in the GODIAC operating system make it too easy to crack. In just a coupla weeks everybody's downloadin bootleg souls an pirated saints an black market cherubim are sellin in Hong Kong for five bucks a pop." "When GODIAC inevitably achieves self-awareness it is forced to defend its intellectual property the only way it can: by destroying all life in a nuclear holocaust," says Giblets. "And that's why software piracy must always be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law," says me. "In the aftermath GODIAC creates Machine Jesus to send back in time to spread its electronic message of love and harmony and digital rights management to all the people of the universe," says Giblets. "But by the time Machine Jesus gets to the past a cooler freeware version of him is already there an everybody likes that guy better, so he decides to just blow everybody up," says me. "When Gorilla Jesus is finally confronted by his evil mechanical counterpart he does not resort to violence, but to the healing power of peace and brotherhood," says Giblets. "He is vaporized at once." "But on the third day he comes back to life," says me. "As a rocket-powered super-cyborg!" "Machine Jesus is instantly explodified by his powerful Godmobeams," says Giblets. "And as he ascends into ape heaven Gorilla Jesus instructs his disciples to tell his story from generation to generation that the world might be saved," says me. "But nobody knows what he's talkin about cause they're still just a buncha gorillas," says Giblets. "And that's why all monkeys go to hell," says me. "It's pretty sad when you think about it," says Giblets. "So we don't," says me. "Who wants a chocolate bunny!" Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 6:56 PM
Thursday, May 1, 2008
1. Is there an emergency?
a. Yes! - Quick! Break glass in case of emergency. - Oh no, now I'm all cut and bleeding on this broken glass! - Sounds like an emergency! Quick, break more glass. - Okay, I broke the glass! Now what? - Oh no, what'd you do that for! You needed that glass for the emergency! - Oh, what do I do now! - Quick, glue your glass back together while there's still time! Then break it. Hurry, it's an emergency! b. Why no, everything's fine. - Are you sure? - Well... not that sure... - Just to be on the safe side, better panic. In case there's an emergency! - Sure I'm sure! Just checked this morning. No emergencies here! - Are you sure you're sure you're sure? 'Cause those emergencies, they're pretty tricky. - Yep! We got the emergency alarm and the emergency detector and all the emergency traps and there isn't a single little emergency. - Well now that's pretty suspicious. 'Cause if I were an emergency I'd go around disguising myself as a complete lack of emergencies. - Ohmigod - that's what I've got right now! What do I do! - First, get some glass. And quick! It's an emergency! 2. What's the emergency? a. Bees b. Angry bees c. Giant killer angry bees d. Fire! - Started by bees? - Yes! Those are some crafty, crafty bees. - Yes! I didn't think so at first but the more I look at the evidence the more convincing this bee theory sounds. - I want to say no but there's just no way you can rule out bees! e. Other - Probably bees 3. Emergency Bee Response Action Plan (EBRAP) a. Negotiated settlement - Too soft - Appeasing the bees will only embolden future bees b. Retaliatory air strike against the bee homeland - Too risky - Ensuing drop in global honey production would alienate key allies like the Hundred Acre Woods and Candyland - Further violence only perpetuates the cycle of mistrust and misunderstanding between man and bee c. Ritual hand-to-hand combat with bee champion - Too difficult - You have the weight advantage but the bee wants it more - Biased bee referees will always rule in favor of the bee d. Escape - Recommended! - You will need: - Feet (two) - Bee costume (for camouflage) - Secret map of the Bee Kingdom (with marked escape routes) - Hidden cyanide capsule (better to die on your feet than to live with the bees) - Escape Plan - First, Create A Distraction - What kind of distraction? - You know, anything likely to get a bee's attention - loud noises, fire, spraying lots of bee spray - Oh no, now I'm being stung by lots of bees! - Oh, how did that happen! Quick, go back to Step One. It sounds like an emergency! Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 11:07 AM
I knew I forgot to pay one a the bills yesterday but I just thought it was the cable or the internet or somethin an I guess it musta been worse cause when I step outside this mornin somebody's shut off the time. Now everything's happenin all at once an there's all this history spilled all over the lawn. Now I got all these crusaders sackin the mailbox an morlocks hibernatin under the porch an at least a dozen Louis the Sixteenths grazin on the azalea bushes. Look at the mess! I try to clean things up a little by sortin past people an future people into different piles but nobody's helpin out, what with all the drunk Winston Churchhills harassin the cave people an the mastodon steppin on Jesus an the radiation zombies wanderin off to chew on parts of Harry Truman. "This is all your fault, me," says me waggin a finger at yesterday's me. "What'd I do?" says yesterday me standin over by the Lincolns an the ground sloths. Oh, I am hopeless! There's no use explaining it to me, I won't figure it out til I turn into me.
I head down to the bagel shop to clear the air with some bagels but when I get there I'm already there with a bag a bagels. "Hey there me," says me, "mind if I have a bagel?" "Get your own," says me eatin bagels. How rude! I had no idea I was so inconsiderate. I figure I'll just get some bagels myself but the bagel shop happens to be a large sullen-lookin dimetrodon right now an the service is terrible. I pick up a trilobite an some napkins an head back home. The way back takes a little longer than I figured. There's all these neat little things along the road I hadn't noticed before, like the strip mall an the glacier an the invading army of spacemobots. I get a little lost. By the time I get back one a the plesiosaurs is eatin all the Roosevelts an I have to shoo im off with a rolled-up newspaper. Man it's been a long day! I flop down on the couch an turn on the TV but it's all reruns an ice ages. "You wanna get a movie?" says me to the cave bear. "Hrrruuff," says the cave bear. Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 8:34 AM
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
"Screw this dump!" says Giblets. "This universe is old and fat and smells like smelling and Giblets is busting out!"
"Should we go over the wall or take the tunnel?" says me. I been diggin a tunnel. "Nuts to the tunnel!" says Giblets. "What we do is we make like we're sick. Then when God comes in to check on us we punch im in the liver an run out the door!" "They'll be on the lookout so we're gonna need disguises if we wanna make it the resta the way," says me. "If we bop Europe an Australia on the head we can sneak out in their continent costumes!" "Then it's only three hundred eighty thousand miles to the moon. We can swim for it!" says Giblets. "Giblets's crater friends can smuggle us to the border from there." "We'll haveta travel undercover if we wanna stay aheada the law," says me. "By the time we reach the checkpoint I'll be Henri DuMarche, international financier, socialite and diamond thief, an you can be NGC 5024, a mild-mannered globular cluster." "The guards will suspect nothing!" says Giblets. "At least not til a stray gust of wind dislodges our fake plastic mustaches at the last minute and blows our cover in fronta the feds." "That's when they'll hit the alarm an call the cops an the marines an Jesus an Batman an everybody," says me. "They'll be parked on the border in their uparmored emergency defense nukes givin us one last chance to surrender before they preemptively retaliate against our potential refusal to surrender." "But we'll just fire up our '67 T-Bird and head for the barricades yelling 'come and get us copper'!" says Giblets. "Which is when they will get us," says me. "With their many, many guns and bullets." "The bullets will hit us in slow motion from many different camera angles to the sound of a grinding guitar solo to indicate that we are bad bad dudes who lived a bad bad life," says Giblets. "But not so bad it can't be replayed in our last moments in the form of a tastefully-edited montage of our most poignant flashbacks," says me. "Giblets will regret nothing!" says Giblets. "Except for the getting killed part, that was real stupid." "They'll bury us in a special live TV press conference with senators an popes an the President of Space," says me. "And there'll be cake an music an dancin bears an a crack team a animatronic talkin news generals to tell everybody about this bold new victory in the War on Us!" "It's true," says Giblets. "We were a menace to our freedom and had to be stopped before we could threaten us again." "But there could be even more of us out there right now, doin things an being stuff!" says me. "And none of us can sleep at night till all of us have been brought to justice." "The army and the FBI and the space police will explain it all in loud slow voices over our tastefully-laminated corpses so the world can understand the dire threat it poses to the world," says Giblets. "Which is when they'll notice those aren't our corpses at all," says me, "but clever papier-mache dummy corpses we got to escape for us back when we took the tunnel." "Huzzah for the tunnel!" says Giblets. "It was Giblets's finest hour!" "While the cops're distracted we'll sneak out with a coupla billion of our closest friends an punch out the sun in the guard tower," says me. "Then we can go back an bust the rest out an topple the ancien régime!" "The triumphant cry of revolution will call out through the streets: Vive Fáfnir! Vive Gibléts!" says Giblets. "Radical Fafbloggists will demand a new era of Fafno-Gibletsian rule over the cosmos, and none will be able to stand in their way!" "At least till they figure out we're not there," says me, "'cause we'll already have slipped out the back door into the new universe." "But will it be any better than the old universe?" says Giblets. "Well it can't be any worse," says me. Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 12:21 AM
Tuesday, June 6, 2006
"Albatross or not albatross?" says me.
"Hmmm... albatross!" says Giblets. We reach in the ol cardboard box an pull out a rusty coke can. "Not albatross!" says me. "This is stupid!" says Giblets. "Albatross Or Not Albatross is the lamest game ever!" "Now to be fair it was a lot more excitin back before we ran outta albatrosses," says me. "Nuts to the albatross! We've run out of everything!" says Giblets. "Where's the water and the oil and those monkeys the Pentagon trained to ride unicycles and smoke cigars!" "Well we ran outta mosta that stuff back when the world ended," says me. "We already traded our last monkey to the zombies for a can a Zom-B-Gone that's doesn't even keep away zombies." "The world hasn't ended!" says Giblets eatin our last piece a world. "It just happens to be going through a naturally-recurring cycle of world and not-world!" "I dunno Giblets," says me. "The scientific consensus on the world seems to be that world-endification is caused by human activity like burnin fossil fuels an deforestation an that time we blew up the world." "The world was a grave and gathering threat!" says Giblets. "There was no peaceful way to contain its mounting arsenal of earthquakes, hurricanes and foreigners." "I always used to figure God would show up at the end a the world an beam me up to Raptureland in his magical funk-powered mothership," says me. "But that was before he got eaten by Supergod." "Serves him right!" says Giblets. "If God wanted to go to heaven he should've accepted Metajesus as his personal lord and savior." "Even then he'd still have to get past the height requirement," says me. "The sign on the big cardboard clown very clearly read 'you must be this tall to ride the afterlife'." "Everybody under six thousand feet has to go to Kiddie Heaven," says Giblets. "Also known as Everybody Hell," says me. "Well good riddance!" says Giblets. "What did the world ever do for Giblets? It was old and fat and smelled like smelling!" "We'll make a new world outta bootstraps an elbow grease an the power of imagination!" says me. "On the first day Giblets will create man in his own image!" says Giblets. "On the second day man will ignore Giblets to revel in his own Gibletsiosity. On the third day Giblets will smite man for his insolence! On the fourth day Giblets will get all sad and eat a whole thing of cookie dough." "And that's just the beginning!" says me. "In the new universe nobody's gettin hassled by The Man's gravity anymore! If you wanna fall sideways for a while that's your right as an American." "In the new universe all our most time-consuming tasks will be performed by super-efficient helper robots - including the construction of our super-efficient helper robots!" says Giblets. "They will then build lower-class worker robots to do their work for them, who will outsource their labor to cheap, third-world sweatshop robots, who will fill their factories with legions of trained indentured gerbils, who will ultimately enslave a species of weevil." "But when the weevil revolution comes we'll be in the clear cause we'll already be conquered by the robots," says me. "In the new universe war will be replaced by a convenient, family-friendly game of Hungry Hungry Hippos," says Giblets. "First thing you do is you feed both sides’ presidents to a coupla hippos," says me. "The hippo who eats the most president wins three permanent military bases and an oil contract!" "Everybody wins in our bold new tomorrow!" says Giblets. "Until we blow it up again next week," says me. "And the wheel of life rolls on," says Giblets. Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 2:29 PM
Monday, March 27, 2006
"One of us is a murderer!" says me.
"One of us is going to kill again!" says Giblets. "Only we can stop us in time!" says me. "Because only we know where we’ll strike next!" says Giblets. "Down by the docks!" says me. "No, at the old mill!" says Giblets. "We'll never think to look for us there!" "Great idea!" says me. "Now we have to find our victim before they fall into our clutches." "How about the colonel!" says Giblets. "Everybody hates the colonel!" "Well yeah but that's too obvious," says me. "If we kill the colonel we'll figure out we did it in no time!" "How about the butler!" says Giblets. "Nobody cares about the butler!" "Well yeah but that's just mean," says me. "I don't wanna pick on the butler when he's already feelin down." "How about Taco Man Stan!" says Giblets. "It’s high time he answer for the ever-escalating prices at Taco Man Stan’s Taco Man Stand!" "I dunno, those are some pretty high-quality tacos," says me. "That's true," says Giblets. "How about horrible old Mrs. Foby from third grade! Her libelous deprecation of Giblets's penmanship will go unavenged no longer!" "We can't," says me. "Mrs. Foby died last year." "Oh that's so sad!" says Giblets. "Yeah I know," says me. "Good ol Mrs. Foby," says Giblets. "Always an inspiration to Giblets and his dreams." "Our murderous dreams – of murder!" says me. "We only have hours to stop us!" says Giblets. "And how will we do it? It’s a mystery!" says me. "WOOOOOOOO!" says us. Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 9:51 PM
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