Picking and Choosing, Again

[TW: Sexual prejudice]

Oh. Fun. Another one of these articles. From a Christian blogger:

"For the Christian, there has to be nothing more painful than knowing that a family member is struggling with or living defiantly in a lifestyle contrary to God’s moral laws. Whether it be drugs, addictions, sexual immorality of all kinds and various other offenses against God. It’s extremely painful for all involved."

Okay. So drugs, addictions, and sexual immorality. Like.... incest, sexual assault, and adultery, right? Nah. I know you know what's coming:

"I recently received an email from a reader of my blog desperate for answers in how to cope with her daughter who is a lesbian. This reader has done the best she could in raising a child up in a godly home. But circumstances beyond her control have led her daughter to choose the lesbian lifestyle. What shall she do?"

You see this attitude a lot among Christians. The concern seems to be less directed at the lesbian daughter (LD) and more toward the family members who must endure living with her. Enough about the person living a marginalized existence because of her Christian family's intolerance of her, let's talk some more about the Christian Family Members and how they can avoid feeling guilty for their intolerant behavior.

Anyway, surely, since this person is doling out advice via the internets, she is probably a counselor or therapist or a.... oh, erm, oh:

"After watching my aunt deal with my lesbian cousin, I’ve learned a lot how one can successfully cope with an LGBT (lesbian, gay, bi-sexual or transgendered) family member while not losing one’s heart, hope and mind in the process."

And that makes this commentator an expert on family relations and sexual identity how, again?

She continues, her advice being the trusty standby of praying, seeking out the opinions of other Christians who hold similar anti-gay views, and making sure the LD knows that the family loves her, it's her homosexuality they hate. The expert also takes the common tactic of quoting Bible verses. After all, dear readers, it's important that the El Gee Bee Tee family member knows "you love them, but you stand with God's word that says that homosexuality is a sin." For, that belief isn't just the Christian's "personal opinion," but "God's" opinion. As proof of this, the expert cites Romans 1:26-27:

"For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due."

"Their women," eh? "The natural use of the woman," huh? I wonder what that would be.

Anyway, it's too bad that our expert doesn't cite the rest of this particular section of her holy book. But that's okay, because I think I remember how this one ends. It says:

"Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them."

Does our expert stand with "god's word" here, too?

I mean, it wouldn't be her opinion, after all, that El Gee Bee Tee people deserved to die, it would be "god's."

Breakable Literal Bible Rule of the Week: Non-Virgin Ladies

Christian organization Focus on the Family informs us about many moral issues, one of their large focuses being homosexuality. For instance, they observe: "Scriptures against homosexual behavior – including Leviticus 18:22, 20:13; Romans 1:26-27; 1 Corinthians 6:9-10; 1 Timothy 1:9-10 – are so clear and specific that they defy reinterpretation."

So you see, when anti-gay individuals and organizations cite these verses, they aren't doing so because they hate gay people or anything. They are just relaying what God says about all this stuff. As Focus on the Family continues:

"It is intellectually dishonest to say that conservative individuals and leaders 'interpret' such clear verses as 'Thou shalt not lie with a man as with a woman' out of prejudice against homosexuals and use them for selfish gain."

Some verses, after all, are very clear. And that's what this series on Breakable Literal Bible Rules is about. Assuming for the sake of argument that English translations of YHWH's messages to we mortals are correct, it can be fun to explore what it means to take verses from the Old Testament literally. Christians do this all the time. With respect to some verses, that is.

Today's verse, plucked from Deuteronomy, is about damsels and what happens when they're unlikable and whore-y. Specifically, if a man takes a wife and decides he doesn't like her, he can claim that the woman wasn't a virgin when they married. If the vagina-human's father cannot produce the bloody cloths evidencing her virginity:

"Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you."

The men in a city must stone a non-virgin married lady with stones (and really, what else would one stone a person with, if not stones?). Now, obviously in this day and age, especially in large metropolitan areas, I suspect that part of the reason these stonings no longer occur is because it is difficult for half a million or so men to coordinate their schedules with one another. So with respect to this rule, I am wondering how one should logistically go about gathering all of the men of a city together to perform these stonings.

I mean, let's be real here, lots of women these days are definitely not virgins when they marry, and furthermore, given the high rates of divorce, thousands upon thousands of men just aren't that into their wives.

So, for the sake of these fellas who, let's face it are seriously slacking in the Deuteronomy department, is it permissible for men to use the world wide webs and/or social networking sites to connect with other men seeking to fulfill their biblical duties? Can they create some sort of application for their mobile devices that informs them of the time and location of stoning events? Should we create a National Wifewhore Stoning Day, specifically excusing all men from work so they may participate in stonings? (Although, that last one may have some separation of church/state issues, so perhaps not).

And most importantly, if there are not enough stones in a city for every single man, is it permissible for him to use other objects to kill the woman?


Ugh! The Bible is so hard.

Breakable Literal Bible Rule of the Week: Menstruating Women

If there's one issue that reminds me that God is certainly a persnickety fellow it's his prohibitions surrounding women and menstruation. For instance, the Lord tells us in Leviticus 15:19 that thanks to a woman's impure tendency to menstruate, she should be kept separate for 7 days.

Being a modern day working gal, I am very concerned about this rule. See, my place of work employs a great number of women capable of menstruation, yet it is not a part of our Human Resources policy to separate these unclean women for a period (no pun intended) of 7 days while they menstruate.

What this lack of separation tangibly means is that it is possible for fellow employees to touch these women not knowing that these unclean women are menstruating. For, we all know that Leviticus 15:19 also tells us that anyone who touches a menstruating woman shall be unclean until that evening. In fact, everything this woman lies and sits upon is unclean which means, as Leviticus 15:21-22 tells us, that a man must wash his clothes and take a bath after even touching anything that a menstruating woman has lied or sat upon. He also must wash the object upon which the woman lied or sat upon, which inevitably leads me to say that it's simply not fair that men, who are only trying to get in an honest day's work, have to deal with unclean women soiling all of the company's furniture all the time.

But at the same time, living a non-rule-breaky life sometimes involves balancing several competing interests. Thus, while it would be highly unproductive to grant every woman of childbearing capacity 7 days off of work each month to separate herself from clean human beings, the feminists would cause an uproar if we didn't allow women to work at all. In order to get around this dilemma, I will definitely contact human resources with a proposal demanding the separation of menstruating women into a company Red Room in which these unclean women can continue working without soiling chairs, beds, and men. Doing so is certain to enhance productivity.

Since that's all clear, I suppose the only question I have of the Lord is this: When they're done menstruating, where should the women take their sin offerings of two turtles or two young pigeons in order to atone for their uncleanliness- the company president or the director of HR?


Oy, having women in the workplace while not breaking Bible rules is hard.

Breakable Literal Bible Rule of the Week: Soothsaying

One time, I went to Provincetown for a vacation. Being from a small town in the Midwest, Provincetown was quite the change of scenery for me. For those of you not in the know, there are a great number of.... fortune-tellers in Provincetown.

Back when I went to this charming city by the sea, I was not as concerned with living a holy life as I have been in recent days. Had I known then what I know now, I would have never drunkenly ventured into that soothsayer's dimly lit cavern of sin. For, the Lord tells us in Leviticus (20:6) that

"Should anyone turn to mediums and fortune-tellers and follow their wanton ways, I will turn against such a one and cut him off from his people."

My first important question is whether this rule even applies to me as a woman. The Lord, as he does so frequently when declaring his rules, speaks as though only male humans must follow his rules. Does this mean that women are free to be wanton?

Hmmm.

Well, assuming that I, a mere woman, am also a human being and therefore subject to God's rules, I seek further clarification. Specifically, is the law telling us that we should not turn to fortune-tellers at all or that we can go to fortune-tellers but we cannot follow their bawdy ways? This is of vital concern to me. See, I merely had a single tarot card reading. Surely that is not rule-breaky enough to warrant God completely turning against me and cutting me of from God's people.

Right?

Perhaps most importantly, though, the Lord tells us in Leviticus 20:27 that the fortune-teller is a bigger sinner than is the one who seeks the services of a fortune-teller:

"A man or a woman who acts as a medium or fortune-teller shall be put to death by stoning; they have no one but themselves to blame for their death."

Well, one thing is clear, unlike many rules this one clearly applies to both male and female human beings.

That being said, should I travel back to Provincetown and stone the fortune-teller myself or is it acceptable to have a friend who lives in Massachusetts do the deed for me? Or, perhaps the Lord envisioned the stoning to be done by local law enforcement officials. In which case, thus far, the Massachusetts law and order has neglected this duty. Once I receive the go-ahead from the Lord on this issue, I will definitely remind them. I am an attorney at law, after all, and it's my duty to uphold the law of the land.



Ugh, the Bible is so hard.

Mingly Seeds: Breakable Literal Bible Law of the Week

In our secular society in which all religions are valued, it is of the utmost importance to follow the laws of the Bible. We all know that one man shall not lay (or is it lie?) with another man and all that. And further, as Focus on the Family tells us, "It is intellectually dishonest to say conservatives 'interpret' such verses out of prejudice against homosexuals." Indeed. And yet, something we all need to be a little more mindful of is that additional Bible laws exist covering a wide array of behaviors and everyday activities.

In fact, some of these non-sodomy Biblical laws are a bit ambiguous. When in doubt as to how to literally interpret a law, it is wise to seek further clarification. Doing so helps us all be a little less rule-breaky. But most importantly, following Biblical laws will prevent us from being up-chucked from the land. As the Lord tells us in Leviticus 20:22,

"Be careful to observe all my statutes and all my decrees; otherwise the land where I am bringing you to dwell will vomit you out."

Crikey!


With this in mind, a couple weekends ago I decided to test my green thumb by starting a small herb garden on my outdoor balcony. I immediately blew the dust off of my Old Testament and skimmed Leviticus for some guidance on how to morally grow a garden.

According to Leviticus 19:19, thus spoke the Lord:

"Thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed."

As I am gravely concerned with planting a garden in the morally righteous manner, I have a few questions.

For starters, I plan on growing basil, rosemary, and cilantro. Clearly, to grow all of these seeds together would "mingle" them. Now I already know that, since I am not growing grapes, I am entitled to gather all of these herbs upon harvest and not leave any behind for the poor or for strangers, pursuant to Leviticus 19:10.

My pressing questions, therefore, are these: Does a balcony overhang planter count as a "field" for purposes of Leviticus? If so, should I buy additional planters and plant each type of seed in a different planter? (My balcony is only so big, you know). But then again, what if my entire balcony counts as a "field" for purposes of Leviticus? In general terms, does this Biblical Rule mean that every person may only sow one type of seed?

What if one has already planted one's herb seeds in a mingly sort of way? Should one dig them up and begin a new garden sowing only one type of seed?

Oy, the Bible is hard.



Forgive me father, for I have sinned(?)