Day 188 - I Prefer Being Alone – The Silent Type...

 

I am On the topic of defining myself as the silent type.

Another point regarding the silent type is preferring to be alone. I always preferred to be alone in most situations. In school my high point of the day was spending time in room playing guitar or playing a game on the computer. I was comfortable with being by myself and liked it. I also liked being with friends since I was also comfortable around my friends. It would seem that comfortably is the main point here and the question is – Why was I more comfortable with myself?

I was not really a full on silent person that did not say anything – I was outgoing and all that. When I was in a group of friends and everybody talked I usually did not say much. One on one with friends or small groups I would engage in conversations, but mostly I liked to would listen. That is one cool thing of not saying much – I became very observant and noticed things. Anyway – the point is that I was more of an observer and did not participate much with anybody expect friends. One of the reasons was that I was not effective with participating or engaging conversations with people and the conversations I did have was me listening and the other conversing. Within this I see now that me preferring to be alone was actually hiding from people.

The consequences of my inability to communicate effectively was me being the silent type and because I was not effective at communication I preferred being alone since there was not need to converse with myself. Unfortunately back then I did not understand the importance of communicating – You cannot function effectively in this world if you lack communication skills. Really – if you have effective communication skills life becomes a bit easier. I did not develop these skills for myself, because talking to people was uncomfortable for me. I did not step beyond my comfort zone to expand myself which resulted in me being stuck. So it is time to do that – Step beyond my comfort zone.

This is the only way to expand yourself and become more effective – to push yourself beyond your limits and push through any and all resistance's along the way. Otherwise you stay the same. A simple example is learning to drive – at first it is a bit scary and tricky to get used to clutch control and traffic on the road, but you did not allow that fear and resistance to keep you from driving. You push through and eventually it all became second nature. Driving is like natural now. Stepped out the comfort zone and made driving a part of it.

I am not saying that being alone with yourself is wrong/bad. It is cool that I developed a point of comfortably within being alone by myself and its cool if you have done the same, but not being able to communicate effectively with others and hiding yourself in a room is limiting yourself extensively. Writing is cool practice – using the written word to communicate. It gives me time to look at what I write to bring out a message effectively, but If I would to speak this it would not be as good. Now it is time to use my lungs to push air through my vocal cords to produce a sound that I can manipulate with my tongue – or in simpler terms: Speak.

(More on speaking in my next blog where I will start a step by step process on how to speak effectively.)

Day 173 - When Happiness is Escaping Reality

 

This is a continuation and conclusion of the previous blog which you can easily access by clicking this link right here:  link

This is the self-forgiveness’s on the previous blog

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to feel good by looking at thing outside myself to make me feel good, because I feel down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need something outside myself to get me out of feeling down

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to, when I feel down - investigate the reason  why I feel down

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am the one who created/accepted and allowed the feeling of being down within me and I am responsible and thus that I am the only one who is able to clear myself from it / release it from within and as me

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the need to feel good is to suppress the fact that I do not feel good.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I do go from a negative - feeling down/bad - to a positive - feeling good/happy - from a point of desiring to feel good: then I did not in fact deal with the feeling of being down. I did not in fact direct it and thus it is still existent within me and is the reason why the feeling of being down will always return.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the desire to feel good and to do so by finding things outside myself is me running away from my problems and not wanting to face myself and walk through the feeling of being down.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the only method that is effective with dealing with a feeling of being down is to actually  find the reason - within myself - why I created this feeling and how I did so.

I commit myself to stop wanting to "uplift" myself from a feeling of being down by finding things outside myself. Instead I realize that to deal with problems within me I need to investigate the reasons why and how I created the feeling of being down in the first place and then stop it

I commit myself to take self-responsibility for what is happening inside myself and not find things outside myself to run away from that responsibility

I commit myself to stop suppressing what I feel - instead I face the points within me

I commit myself to stop the belief and idea that I am able to get myself out from feeling down by doing something fun - instead I realize that If I did not in fact direct the point the all I and doing is avoiding and suppressing the point of feeling down 

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that – I cannot ‘run away’ from myself by suppressing the bad and running to the good, because I am ALWAYS HERE WITH ME! And so therefore, I commit myself to assist and support myself to no more run and hide in the good, but face the bad/negative within me – so that I can be stable, standing, here with me and learn to LIVE me, because how can I truly live as long as I always attempt/try to ‘run’?

Journey to Life Day 38 - Amazing Disgrace - The Human Race

 

This life and this world is a reflection of who we are  - and the state the world is in today is beyond shameful which should indicate that we as humans are truly evil.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the world is a reflection of who I am

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how must the world is the same as me - how i have conflict within me towards others and how the world and its nations have conflict with other nations

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the similarities with the world and myself - how me not caring about others and the world not caring about ending starvation.

I forgive myself that I have  accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from this world because I don't like what I see not realizing that what im looking at is actually myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from reality out of fear and to believe that nothing can be done to change is - that its just the way it is - so that i don't have to do anything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to block out all the bad things in world because it makes me sad and angry - not realizing that I am the one who created this world

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to  investigate this world and how things work to see the reason for why life is so full of suffering

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take action and to do something about this world and to find ways to change it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if the world is a reflection of me - then changing who I am will reflect onto this world

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the truth of humanity - that we are truly the evil of the earth - to have created a world of abuse and suffering a perfect hell for most and never in human history have we ever stopped a moment to see what we have done and to change it, but to continue to live as if everything is fine and to continue blame others for this mess - not realizing that our very nature as who we are now created this and that is what needs to change.

I commit myself to see that I am in fact evil for having lived my life in ignorance

I commit myself to then dedicate my life to make sure I stop the evil of humanity which is our very nature so that I can start living life for life

I commit myself to stop hiding from this world - to realize that i created this world and in that i am responsible

I commit myself to stop fearing this world and to realize that i am actually fearing myself

I commit myself to stop separating myself from this world, from myself

I commit myself to stop all excuses - to stop believing this world is just the way it is - and to start taking action by doing all in my power to make this world a better place by first changing myself

I commit myself to see the amazing disgrace we created and take responsibility to truly create amazing grace for all being on earth - because there is no grace in starving or killing or abusing another and there can be no grace in this life as long as it continues.

Journey to life day 22 + 24 - Being Mooooooooody (updated)

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become moody

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to in my moodiness become irritated and snap at people

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame the world around me for what is happening to me

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see that i created the moodiness through accumulated  backchat of thoughts that i have not stopped

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to stop the backchat

I commit myself to stop the backchat of thoughts, feelings and emotions that lead to me being moody and getting irritated and snapping at people

I commit myself to stop blaming the world for what i am responsible for


So the above i wrote on my day 22, but as you can see it is very short and unspecific which in not acceptable. What happened is that i wrote a blog but the connection dropped when i pressed post and i didn't  save the blog so I lost all my writing. I didn't want to redo all my writing so i wrote the above - which was not acceptable so here we go:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use my blog got deleted as an excuse not to be consistent

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not want to redo a blog and use the excuse i already did it and don't need to do it again

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at the computer for losing my blog

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself not become angry at myself for not saving my blog

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to to give into resistances and not do what i know i should  have done

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to then try and get away with the bare minimum just because i don't want to redo a post

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if  i am unwilling to redo what i do then what i do is not real and has no meaning or value and thus i have to prove to myself consistency by being willing to redo everything i did.

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to to be consistent no matter what the circumstance


I commit myself to not use excuses when i don't feel like doing something
I commit myself to stop being lazy

I commit myself to be consistent no matter what

I commit myself to if i have to redo what i did to prove to myself that i am indeed able to

I commit myself to not be inconsistent when i experience resistances

I commit myself to push through these resistances so that i can do what i said i would

I commit myself to not again post half done crap but to put out to the best of my ability

I Commit myself to see that my action doesn't just effect me, but effects others and that has consequences on a whole lot more than just my world. So commit myself to consider the consequences and outflows of my actions.