But the real reason is that I think the winter time is hard to swallow. It's dark all the time, and somehow it makes me feel like I'm behind on everything. There is something about it being dark before dinner is served that leaves me with the sense that I didn't accomplish much in those 8 hours that I had. And when it's cold outside, I find myself dreading going outside to scrape the frost off of my car and kick myself for the 43rd time for not starting my car earlier. So my real desire is to curl up in my warm blankets and hibernate until the sun comes back.
I lost my coat. Isn't that stupid? I had a winter coat and I can't find it anywhere. Every time I go to save money to buy a new one, I can't stand the voice in my head that relentlessly lists all the things that my children need over my coat. As a mom, it's easier to shiver every day than it is to be warm and remember the needs of your babies. So I'm really cold lately. And on top of that, we keep our house cool enough that the butter doesn't even get soft on the counter. We've saved a bunch of money by bundling up this year, but I still feel cold. All the time. Have I mentioned that I feel cold? I'm cold.
I think, if I'm being honest, that it started in Las Vegas. I've never been to somewhere like that. I've never seen that level of openness to depravity and greed. I've had a rather PG rated life, so walking the strip and being handed pornography from a 40ish year old Hispanic woman really hit home. She looked like a mother. I look like a mother. I recognized the worn out, stressed, tired and worried mess on her. That's me. I wanted to stop and say something.
Maybe I wanted to say that I'm sorry that our world is so dark and hard...that we live in such a way that she got to this place. I wanted to tell her that she had options, but then I realized that I wasn't so sure that she did. I tried to make eye contact with her as she attempted to hand me the card, but she never looked up and quickly passed me by. Then I kinda got knocked back on my heels a bit. Is this the world that I actually live in? And shouldn't I, of all people, know this? I mean you don't work in an ER as a mental health evaluator without seeing depravity. But maybe I had limited it a bit....as if mental illness or drug abuse was the only darkness in this world. But she didn't look like she fit either of those. What gets a woman to stand on the strip and forcefully hand out porn to people walking by? It was like my eyes were opened to a level of yuckiness and I just want to close them again. I hated that place. I hated it so bad that I cried and pleaded with Chris to let us go home early, no matter the cost.
But I still can see her face.
So in the darkness, I just sit. I don't try to fight it anymore. I am just waiting to figure out how God meets me here. It's been dark before. But before I knew God, I sort of wandered around in a frenzy. I'm not sure how I thought that being in a frenzy made it all better, but that was my go-to mode. Now I'm just waiting.
And isn't that what Christmas is all about? Practicing the art of waiting....with glee and excitement, my kids wait for Christmas morning. They find it exhilarating to wait, and the joy builds each day. We are counting down the days until His birthday. Counting down until He comes.
Me: "God, You always come meet me when I'm so excited about you. But I'm not excited about much these days and it's cold down here."
Silence.
Me: "Do you only respond to me when I'm full of joy?"
Silence.
Me: "You've left me all alone and I'm scared. I see darkness everywhere and I miss the blindness where it all looked bright and full of promise. I can't understand where You went. I don't know how to find You again.... I think I wandered away and I'm not sure how to get back..."
Silence. And then -
God: "I'm here. You never found Me because I was always here, and I came down to your darkness so that you could be warm in the light again. Just be quiet and keep your eyes on Me. I will fill you again. Just wait."
Me: "But don't you know that I don't wait well? You should have a monopoly on knowledge about me. I don't wait. I never wait. I'm a miserable disaster when I wait. Can you do it sooner? I think sooner is much better than later. Why wait when you can do it now?"
Silence.
Me: Ooooh....Nice touch. I will wait then...since You gave me absolutely zero options.
Silence.
Me: I guess I'm waiting.
And I'm waiting. One thing I know about Him is that when He fills you up, it's a water that overflows. I can wait for that. I'm not a fan of waiting, but I'll wait for Him.
Into the darkness, He comes like He promised.
Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.
Isaiah 40: 28-31
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