Changes

This is just really not an easy post to write.  I've tried a couple times to start, but it all comes down to this - if you are reading about this via my blog, I'm sorry.  So tacky.  But when I write, my thoughts flow whereas my words just stumble all around in person.  And I'm exhausted by the times that I have explained this in person.  It is hard to say, and seems that it's even more difficult for people to hear.

So.  Chris and I are separating.  He is in the process of moving out and will have his own apartment on Friday. (By the way, if you are a robber planning on visiting a single woman's house, just know that I have a seriously enormous dog and some history of karate training - kinda. And I'm pretty feisty.)

The very natural next question is for people to ask why I am doing this. (And yes, it is on my accord only.)  My answer is that I really wish I could explain it.  I wish that the details weren't so private and intricate that I could explain it from the roof tops so that people wouldn't believe that I have up and completely abandoned all that I've worked for.  I have been told that I'm not fighting for my family...that if I just agree to try, it will all get better.  But the truth is, I firmly believe that neither of those statements are true.  And, despite my desire to separate from Chris, I do still believe in respecting the father of my children.  Subsequently, I won't be dumping details out into the community, nor will I be defending myself.  It's not easy to defend my decision without being disrespectful to my children.  Believe it when I say that they are my first priority.  You may not believe that is the case, in the context of my desire to separate from Chris, but again....I will not be defending myself.  It's a tough spot for me to be in.  And frankly, I'm just wearing it like a big scarlet A on my forehead.  But when I think about the details of our separation floating around the world, unsupervised, I picture my future adult children hearing convoluted statements about a relationship that truly only two people understand in this world.  And I can tell you that this separation is not a mystery to Chris.  We both fully understand where things derailed.

I know that people are sad, angry, frustrated, shocked, angry, shocked and sad.  I do understand.  Me too.

We will continue to be a family.  It just might not look like it was supposed to look.  And Chris and I are heavily committed to being great parents to our kids, so you will continue to see us together as a family and working through this, one step at a time.  I appreciate everyone's thoughts, prayers and concerns....I really do.  For now, I have a laser focus on my children and unfortunately, that will be the only way I ever defend this decision.  Thank you.