You know, I hate to beat a dea-- er, wait... I don't mean to harp on this, but what WAS this family thinking.

The following is the first line of the obit and is not explained at any point (you'll have to take my word for it, as the Chas. Gazette makes you pay to access their archives): "(name of deceased) died (date), at his home unexpectedly doing what he loved best." Judging from the obit, he was a widower. That, of course, doesn't rule out what my dirty mind automatically thinks. Later on, this nugget of info is offered: "He will be missed for all his ornery ways."

Dear Lord.

Sure, I may be sick -- suffering from a rare disease, no doubt -- but I can still appreciate the daily absurdities in the Chas. Daily Mail obits. Today's issue carried news of marauding angels, stealing one woman from her home -- "The angels have taken (name & birthdate of deceased) to be with God." Those pesky angels. They come in without knocking, leave the bloody door open upon exiting...

And then there's this poor woman whose family felt it necessary to say: "(name of deceased) was a petite, charming woman who gave her time to bettering the communities in which she lived." OK, the last part is great, but PETITE? Is that an accomplishment or in any way relevant? Note to Brooklyn Hillbilly: When writing my obit, be sure to note that I had a genetic predisposition for obesity -- apparently that sort of thing is important to include for historical record.

Bioterror or flu, you decide
Ugh...am sick...as I've had a flu shot, can only assume this is bioterror...or perhaps employer is finally successful in attempts to drain the life out of me...oh, please, write me a good obit, Brooklyn Hillbilly...try to use the word "existential" - might well be first use of the word in a WV obit.

Obituary Watch
The death of a Muslim man threw a wrench into the operations of the "went-home-to-be-with-Jesus" obit writers in Charleston. Instead of, oh, I don't know, saying the poor Iranian man died, someone crafted the following lead sentence:

(Name of Deceased) of _____, Iran, went home to be with his son, (name), and his granddaughter, (name).

OK, now if this weren't an obit, would you know the man died? Someone from Iran went home to be with his son and granddaughter -- that is supposed to tell you he died? Maybe he just hopped on a plane to Tehran.

So, I wonder how this went when they were writing the obituary. Did the funeral director or someone say, "It is a custom in our country Mrs. ____ to say the deceased went home to be with Jesus."
Imagine the woman recoiling in horror.

"Well, perhaps, we could say he went home to be with some of your other dead relatives. Do you have family members who are deceased?"
"My son and granddaughter."
"PERFECT! He went home to be with his son and granddaughter!"

I suppose you're thinking to yourself, "There are Muslims in West Virginia?" Why, yes, and here in the Mountain State we believe everyone should be treated equally, even in death. That means every man, woman, and child, regardless of race or religion, deserves and shall receive an equally ridiculous obituary.

* Note: I did not ASSume the man was Muslim. The obituary listed a local Islamic Center as site of the memorial service.

The piles of snow are slowly melting, but now we've got rain to contend with. A model of proactivity, the local health department has faxed out tips for disinfecting one's house and belongings in the event of flooding.

In other news, someone phoned in a bomb threat to 911 this morning. The threat was to a general vacinity encompassing my workplace. I was surprised by the lackadaisical reaction of our administrators and security personnel, especially since they've been preaching for weeks that "tensions were rising" because of the "looming war" (laughable statements considering our location and, in my estimation, generally disinterested residents). My boss reasoned that because the threat was not very specific it wasn't credible. So, a word of advice to all you threat-phoner-inners, if you want to be taken seriously, be specific. Interestingly, this is the same writing advice I used to give my English 1 students.

Greetings from the State of Emergency. 20 inches or more on the ground and more falling as I type. Here are a couple of really bad photos I snapped this morning, plus a gratuitous cat picture.

I think tomorrow is definitely the day I'll break out of here. The main street is clear and tantalizingly close. If the plow doesn't go by tonight, surely the neighbors and I can shovel down to the main street and then we'll be FREE! ...ugh, to go back to work. Well, maybe I should just stay here and forget about shoveling.

The local TV stations are already congratulating themselves on the great coverage they've provided throughout the storm. Actually, that started yesterday before the storm even passed. "WE WERE THERE WITH HOURLY UPDATES WHEN SNOW STARTED FALLING!" Yeah, you're the frickin' broadcast media -- that's what you do.

A few Sunday stats
Phone calls from boss re: big-ass snowstorm -- 3
Loads of laundry washed -- 1
Hours spent sniffing paint fumes -- 3
Inches of snow shoveled -- 12-24 (drifting, you see)
Inches left to be shoveled -- 2, plus whatever the bloody wind deposits on my driveway

Oh good Lord. The local news has just led with the following:

"Imagine you're in charge of homeland security in West Virginia -- where would you put troops?"

Uh, what? Troops?

What followed later in the program was a segment in which the reporter asked random WV citizens to place -- I'm not kidding -- plastic toy soldiers on various maps of the state to indicate which parts they would guard in the event of attack. One man declared he would protect Greenbank. A woman said she'd place troops at The Greenbrier, for some reason, thinking that the invaders would want to occupy the now-public Cold War era bunker. Based on these answers, perhaps we should all start practicing how to say "Montani Semper Liberi" in Arabic.

Somehow, I imagine if any foreign power wishes to invade one of the 50 U.S. states West Virginia is going to be pretty low on the list, probably battling our perennial foe Mississippi for 50th. Then again, Mississippi at least has a sea port.

Hmmm, seems that I'm a wolf...


Wolf


What Is Your Animal Personality?
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Well, we're hunkered down here in northcentral WV, waiting for the certain attack. If the lines at the grocery store tonight was any indication, I think it's safe to say every man, woman & child has enough food and water to make it through the weekend. Oh, did I mention it's SNOW, not terrorists, we're waiting for? Nary a flake has fallen so far.

Millionaire, Savior of Pepperoni Rolls
Oh sure, you probably know about Sen. Jay Rockefeller's (D-W.Va.) work with health care and programs for veterans. OK, maybe you know him best for his wealth and family tree, but did you know that he SAVED pepperoni rolls as we know them? Yeah, neither did I. While looking for images of pepperoni rolls, I happened onto this interesting piece about Sen. Rockefeller "saving" the pepperoni roll. Here's the actual text of the senator's letter on the topic.

Here's the gist of it:

In 1987, Rockefeller got involved in "saving" the pepperoni roll because "a rule change the USDA was implementing would re-classify these mostly small, family-owned bakeries as meat packers. This change in designation would require them to meet the more stringent safety and sanitation standards that meat processing businesses must follow."

My gosh, I never knew the pepperoni roll was in danger! Thank goodness this tragedy was averted.

V-day Folly
A few weeks ago I asked the Brooklyn Hillbilly to help me with a little Hillbilly Sophisticate Valentine's Day Sweetheart project. I was going to compile a list of 5 most desirable WV males; he was going to compile the list of 5 most desirable WV females. Recipients of this high honor had to have some measure of fame and either legally reside in WV or have been born and/or raised in WV. Sadly, I must report that 10 such individuals do not exist.
The Brooklyn Hillbilly's lone nominations were "Alias" star Jennifer Garner (raised in Charleston, WV) and Rep. Shelley Moore Capito (R-WV). I did no better. After nominating WVU basketball coach John Beilein, I could come up with no one else. Certainly not Soupy Sales or Don Knotts - ick. Or our clogging governor (though, I suppose, slightly more desirable than Sales or Knotts).

The Hillbilly Sophisticate revealed
The Talking Dog has described me as a West Highland White Terrier. Well, perhaps I'm not quite that perky, but thanks -- I'm certainly in the West Highlands.

The Talking Dog brings up a good point. I suppose I am a little mysterious with ye old blog. So, here's the deal -- I'm:
--female
--precariously close to turning 30 (people years, not dog years)
--a life-long resident of WV
--a registered Democrat, but, well, you'd have to live in rural WV to understand why (where I grew up, if you're not registered as a Democrat, then you pretty much don't get to vote in the primaries). When I change my voter registration to my current "city" of residence, I plan to register as an Independent (screw the primaries).

Some more fun facts about the Hillbilly Sophisticate:
Countries visited--Germany, Switzerland, Bulgaria, Mexico (if you count Tijuana), Canada, Italy, and Liechtenstein (long enough to buy postcards)

Why "Hillbilly Sophisticate"?
When I was, shall we say, larger, there was a store in the mall that really irritated the hell out of me: The Petite Sophisticate. Every time I passed that store I had the inexplicable urge to spit. Perhaps it was the script lettering of their oh-so-sophisticated sign. No, I think it was just the idea that PETITE people needed their own bloody store, so they could go be petite AND sophisticated amongst their own kind. I should add that the mall had no store at all (at that time) selling only size 14 and above sizes (this, you see, was the real source of my rage). Petite people, on the other hand, had their own sophisticated little store (little, hee hee).

Further proof that Idiotarians reign in WV:

Women may get state seal of approval
Resolution OKs study of adding female to West Virginia emblem

Hmmm, the phrase FIDDLING WHILE ROME BURNS comes to mind.

Thanks to Laurence Simon of Amish Tech Support for pointing out the apparent lunacy of Rep. Nick Rahall, D-W.Va. He was one of TWO representatives voting against this resolution, which -- unless I'm missing something -- seems to be a benign affirmation of the obvious, long-established relationship between the U.S. and Israel.

The legislature's in session, so you know what that means -- yep, NEW TAXES!!! Yippeee!!!!
I feel it's my civic duty to assist the state by offering the following tax ideas:

Buffet tax -- Tax would be assessed on any buffet meal including but not limited to all-you-can-eat salad and food bars. Tax would be doubled if buffet-goers have screaming child(ren) in tow.

Fowl luxury tax -- Any individual possessing a concrete goose lawn decoration would be subject to a tax based on the extent of said goose's wardrobe.

Pepperoni roll tax -- To punish the uppity north central region of the state, known for its disgraceful economic prosperity AND for producing one of the state's most prized culinary treasures, a one cent tax should be placed on every pepperoni roll.

Lack of originality tax -- Every family vacationing in the general vacinity of Myrtle Beach, S.C., shall be taxed $100 for blatant lack of creativity in travel planning.

Thanks to the Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler, I've been reading this blog from Iraq.

So, if you forget it's Valentine's Day and are left with nothing to present to your significant other, there's always the option of stealing 2,500 roses.

After a near-fatal accident while carrying in my giant opuntia last night during a snow storm (for those of you who think 'opuntia' sounds dirty, it's a cactus), the move into the new abode is nearing completion. Unpacking the boxes and clearing a path through the basement is another matter entirely.

Blogging will be extremely light in the coming days/week as this is the beginning of the big move to the new shack house.

The Hillbilly in Brooklyn (henceforth known as the Brooklyn Hillbilly) brought up an interesting topic -- what will West Virginia put on its quarter? Vermont chose maple trees; Mississippi the magnolia. Since none of our state symbols (cardinal, rhododendron, black bear, etc.) are especially unique to WV, we fear the state will have to come up with something else. The Brooklyn Hillbilly feels strongly that it should not be the image from the state seal. I suggested the state seal could be modified, in light of the state's financial woes, to replace June 20, 1863 engraved on the rock with "RENT THIS SPACE" or "YOUR AD HERE."

Other ideas for the quarter:

* the Wal-Mart smiley face
* large white-tail deer, gutted and hanging from stately sugar maple (the state tree)
* Brook trout version of the "Jesus fish"
* silhouette of Robert C. Byrd