A few random war musings
* So I guess we can say Peter Arnett is "embedded" (or perhaps simply "in bed with") Saddam's regime? His (Arnett's) buddy George Esper, who currently teaches at a WV institution of higher ed, was interviewed this morning on a WV MetroNews statewide radio show. Esper was taking up for his friend, making excuses like, "Peter's a very accommodating guy," and kind of insinuating that perhaps Arnett got himself into the situation by being "accommodating" and granting an interview to Iraq's state TV, much like the interviews he'd granted to other international media outlets. I can see how it might be scary to say no to a gentle "request" by the Iraqi regime, but surely he wouldn't have HAD to go on like he did, unless he had a gun to his head, and according to what he said this morning on the Today Show, that must not have been the case.

* Have you noticed that retired military guys LOVE the screenwriter?
TV babe: "Now let's go to retired gener---"
Gen. X: "RITA, LET'S GO TO THE SCREENWRITER! CAN WE GO TO THE SCREENWRITER?" blah blah
TV babe: "That's fascinating, Gen. X. So, you think the battle of Baghdad is coming soon?"
Gen. X: "IF WE CAN, LET'S GO BACK TO THE SCREENWRITER..."
TV babe: "What about supplies, Gen. X? Can our troops get all that they need, even though they're deep inside Iraq?"
Gen. X: "We'll be bringing in supplies from a number of directions. If I can go back to the screenwriter..."
You get the picture.
How was war ever waged without use of the blessed screenwriter to analyze it?

Blue Light Special Continued
Unfortunately, the AP picked up the story about the Kimball K-Mart closing: Despite effort to save it, remote West Virginia KMart closing. The story's appeared in newspapers in Georgia, South Dakota, California, Missouri, and Virginia, to name just a few. If you go by this article's definition of remote (25 miles from the nearest "general merchandise store"), the Brooklyn Hillbilly and I spent our first 18 years in a "remote" location.

Confession
If you had any lingering doubts about whether I am or am not a real DORK, then this ought to clear things up for you. I recently purchased the Statler Brothers 30 year Anniversary Celebration CD set. I was brainwashed as a young child, you see. My mom played the records in the afternoons (after we'd finished watching game shows in the morning -- Price Is Right was my favorite), so listening to these songs sort of takes me back to a happier time. I just have to be careful now that it's spring and I'm driving around with my windows rolled down. It's not a good thing to get stopped in traffic with "The Official Historian on Shirley Jean Berrell" blaring, at least not when you live in a college town that moves to the beat of Eminem, 50 Cent, etc.

BTW, I'll have you know that the Statler Brothers were called "America's poets" by Kurt Vonnegut in his book Palm Sunday. So there!

Obit Watch
This creative new death euphemism comes to us from Sunday's Charleston Gazette-Mail:
(name of deceased) of Charleston fell asleep in Christafter a short illness.

Hiatus
Going back to the homeland for the weekend. Taking some shiny beads and strands of ribbon to trade with the natives, 'cause we all know "how those people down there live."

Today's Pfc. Jessica Lynch selected readings
Susan Estrich has written an article mentioning Pfc. Jessica Lynch: When supply lines become front lines - Case of Pfc. Jessica Lynch illustrates incongruence in military rules.
Meanwhile, the Parkersburg News & Sentinel is stretching to find new angles on the story: Sweets pray Lynch is safe

Operation Noble Foster
I signed up for Operation Noble Foster the other day, a program for fostering cats left behind when National Guard & Reserve members are deployed and don't have anyone to take care of their pets. I was looking through some of the profiles already posted on the site to get an idea of what I might say. You're asked to answer a series of questions and then have the chance to say anything you want about yourself and the foster home you can provide. One woman stated that she didn't believe in vaccinations, except for rabies vaccinations because those are required by law, and ever since she quit getting her cats vaccinated their health had improved. She also said that she fed her cats a lot of raw chicken -- "organ meat and thighs." Ewwwwwww. Anticipating responses like mine, I suppose, she also wrote "think of me what you will, but don't knock it till you've tried it." Thanks, but I'll pass. There's just something about the phrase "organ meat" that makes it, well, unsavory.

Blue Light Special
The residents of Kimball (McDowell County) are still pissed about the closing of their K-Mart. These are the same folks who held a prayer vigil when the corporation announced the closing of the store last fall.

This article that appears in today's Charleston Gazette contains several telling statements, such as:

In March 1995, when Kmart opened in Kimball, residents saw it as a godsend, said City Councilman Randy DeLoatch. The city annexed land off U.S. 52 to put the store in town limits. The store provided about half of the town's B&O taxes....."We just want [Kmart] to be gone so we can move on," he said. "I'd like to tell Kmart 'you came to town, you gave us hope and then you left us. So get the hell out.'"

And this is how the article concludes:

Many Kimball residents are older natives, who remember Kimball and McDowell County in their primes during the 1950s and '60s. Dalton has lived in McDowell County all of her life, but even she thought of leaving.
"The county is so depressed, I've prayed to God that I wanted to leave," she said. "But I haven't felt that release, that I should leave. And I think it will get better."

Perhaps it was God who gave Kmart the "release" to leave Kimball.

By the way, I pasted the article into Notepad because I wanted to see how many times the word God appeared in the story. Well, the first time I did the search, I messed it up and got this error message: "Cannot find "god""

Darwin-worthy
A loyal reader has alerted me that the Darwin Awards have added the tragic tale of the Mineral Wells Spitter to their "Slush Pile" under the heading "Tobacco Spitter Spits His Last."

More impressive is this makes a total of 5 confirmed readers of this blog.

Where is Salam?
The Philadelphia Inquirer has an interesting article about Salam and his blog, or, rather, an article examining the phenomenon of Salam and his blog.

Wahhhhhhh! Quick, go look at this picture!

CHA-CHING! Woohoo! Raking in those tax dollars!

Another W.Va. Powerball winner
Thursday March 27, 2003; 10:30 AM
BLUEFIELD -- For the second time in just over three months, a winning Powerball ticket was purchased in West Virginia.
One winning ticket matched all five numbers and the Powerball in Wednesday night's drawing and won the $62.4 million jackpot, lottery officials said today.

Update -
Darn Virginians...
Virginia man claims $62.4 million Powerball jackpot
By the Associated Press
Published April 1, 2003
CHARLESTON, W.Va. -- A Virginia man has claimed last week's $62.4 million Powerball jackpot.

Here's another one to file in the "Fiddling While Rome Burns" folder:

Resolution opposes sale of alcohol from three anti-war nations
March 27, 2003 9:59 AM
Fairmont
The Marion County Commission wants the state to stop selling wine, liquor and beer from France, Germany and Russia because the countries oppose the war in Iraq.

Commissioner Cody Starcher says the resolution is aimed mainly at the French.

Starcher, Commission President James Sago and Commissioner Alan Parks say they know yesterday's resolution is symbolic.

Parks says he has a Great Pyrenees dog and his wife drives an old German car, but he supports the resolution.

Thomas Keeley is commissioner of the state's Alcohol Beverage Control Administration. He says the resolution is the first passed by one of the state's 55 county commissions.

The ABC-A has a monopoly on the sale of liquor. Keeley says the agency will carefully analyze and review the commission's resolution, just as it would any resolution addressed to it by a county commission.

The most shocking thing to me in this story is that someone in Marion County has a Great Pyrenees dog.
Meanwhile, not to be outdone, the French have announced a boycott of West Virginia pepperoni rolls.

I heard a liquor store owner being interviewed on the news last night. The proprietor said, "We don't need Russian vod-kee -- We don't need German vod-kee." I cringed. VOD-KEE. Great. That's just great.

Today's Pfc. Jessica Lynch selected reading
(only one so far -- media frenzy fizzling)
New York Times: Relatives of Missing Soldiers Dread Hearing Worse News

Reprehensible
Imagine my state of panic this morning when I (finally) stumbled out of bed, flipped on the TV to watch Fox & Friends, and instead was greeted by E!. ACK! I checked the channel. Checked the cable connection. What the...? Decided to shower -- perhaps it was an extended spoof on E! that I wasn't awake enough to appreciate. No, still E!. Finally turned to the channel that lists all the programs and had to wait for Fox News to appear. The brilliant minds at Adelphia had switched it from #56 to #33, right beside CNN (#32). I immediately started thinking it was a conspiracy to suppress FoxNews, as these channel changes are normally preceded by an all-out media blitz. Then I noticed that ESPN and ESPN2 had also been relocated and felt slightly comforted.

Soldier 'bloggers' report from war
A CNN article about blogging during the war, from the war and about the war. Thanks to Carolina for the link.

Cabela's store & distribution center coming to Ohio County, WV
OK, at first I wasn't so impressed by this news item, but when I saw pictures of the Dundee, Michigan, store, I have to admit I was impressed. And I'm not exactly a hunting supply kind of girl. But this store is something else -- an indoor trout stream, giant aquariums, a restaurant that serves elk burgers, quail, etc., and 140,000 items in the store. More impressive is that the WV store will be only the 9th Cabela's nationwide, and all of the stores are located in towns with populations under 10,000.
Amazingly, Cabela's Michigan store is that state's #1 tourist attraction.

Spring annoyances
My cats have declared jihad against the resident moths. I can live with the mysterious little things fluttering around my recently-purchased shack, but I can't handle Spooky & Lucille leaping into the bookcase, the mini-blinds and, worst of all, my plant stands while in hot pursuit of the moths.

More genius from the local TV station
This, however, comes from an area Red Cross representative that they interviewed tonight. While describing the various ways people can support the troops through different Red Cross programs, the guy kept repeating something like, "What people really should do is prepare for war at home." Blah blah blah. "People should take the time to prepare for war at home." blah. "People should prepare for war at home. Furthermore, people should prepare for war at home. And, finally, people should prepare for war at home."

Huh?

I realize domestic violence is a problem in WV, but what the hell is this guy meaning? Does he think Maryland is going to move its national guard into WV's eastern panhandle and demand our one prosperous chunk of land?

I hope what he meant to say was "disaster" -- that we should prepare for natural disasters.

In addition to my rant below, I'd like to submit this. I'm sick and tired -- SICK & TIRED, I SAY! -- of hearing these apparently spineless creatures calling into talk radio shows complaining about the constant war coverage. I'm the first to criticize the media (if you've been reading this blog for any length of time you'd know that), but to those people I have to ask the following: Is someone there holding a gun to your head making you watch 24-hour cable news??? No, I don't think so. FLIP THE DAMN CHANNEL! First, pick up the remote. Then dial up ABC, NBC or CBS. They had regular programming last night -- The Practice, Everybody Loves Raymond, even the frigging Miss USA/Fear Factor combo on NBC. You have a brain AND free will. Now go use it and turn the channel, morons.

List updated
I've updated the list of stories about Pfc. Jessica Lynch.

In other news: earth is round, sky blue, grass green

Survey: W.Va. among nation's least-educated states

HUNTINGTON, W.Va. (AP) - A U.S. Census Bureau survey suggests that West Virginia is among the nation's least-educated states. West Virginia has the lowest percentage of people with four-year college degrees and the second-lowest percentage of residents with high school diplomas, according to the report issued last week.

I guess that's why a certain legislator from the eastern panhandle wanted to close two of the state's colleges. Nobody gonna go -- might as well close the damn things! Sure, makes sense.

It said a national-worst 15.9 percent of West Virginians age 25 or older have four-year college degrees, and that 78.5 percent of the state's residents have graduated from high school. Only exas has fewer people with high school diplomas, with 78.1 percent.

Woohoo! Don't mess with Texas! Hey, what about our buddies Mississippi???

For the most part, the study found that across the nation, more education led to more earning potential.

Those who get four-year degrees learn how to make profound deductions like that.

Smart cookie
A very smart Hillbilly Sophisticate reader contacted me via e-mail recently. I was completely shocked because a) I thought I had only 2 regular readers (The Brooklyn Hillbilly and his friend) and b) my e-mail address isn't posted anywhere on this site. But this clever individual, who says she spent 666 days of her life in Parkersburg, WV, figured out my yahoo address based on the links to my cats' pictures. Vewy vewy smart. If there are others of you out there, you can e-mail me at wirt44 at yahoo dot com. Make sure you put the name of this blog in the subject line. I get an inordinate amount of spam and usually just check my yahoo account to delete the spam and keep the account active. A sure way to make sure I don't read your e-mail is to put "bored housewives waiting for you," "I got banged last night!!!," "Teen webcam," and similar phrases in the subject.

BTW, I'm not sure if she actually lived in Parkersburg 666 days or if she picked that number based on the "wonderful" experience she had living there ;-).

For the record
The sign in front of a restaurant along Route 50 in Wood County is STILL misspelled, but this week I notice the sign says: "Pray for Americia." So, either they misspelled it in yet another way, or I missed the first "i" last week. In either case, I find it pathetic that no one working for the restaurant -- or even a concerned passerby -- has noticed this in a full 7 days.

Nerve
A vagrant just asked me for money while I was walking up the sidewalk after going to pick up some lunch (Greek food). Normally, I would feel guilty to say no to a beggar, especially when carrying a plate of food, but this guy was sitting on a bench with a full bottle of Mountain Dew and he was opening a brand new package of cigarettes. So, I didn't feel so guilty. I guess he flunked out of How to Conceal Your Wealth 101 in bum school. Oh sure, 12 oz. of Mountain Dew and a pack of Tourney cigarettes don't really denote extreme wealth, but still, you know what I mean.

Ashleigh "Banished" Banfield
It was so refreshing to see Ashleigh Minefield Banfield relegated to the Ft. Campbell, Ky., assignment during Operation Iraqi Freedom. You could hear the disdain in her voice as she interviewed mostly pro-troop/pro-government people in a diner near Ft. Campbell. She did, however, manage to track down one anti-Bush person -- the cook. She spent so much time questioning him, food started burning and fire alarms began blaring. But then the stupid slut "lucked out" when that nutcase in the 101st rolled those grenades into tents, killing one of his superior officers. The 101st is based in Ft. Campbell, so sweet Ashleigh was in the spotlight with a "real" story to investigate.

This blog is great for those of us stuck at computers all day -- Blogs of War.

Oh good grief.

Man dies after fall from car while trying to spit out tobacco
March 20, 2003 5:13 PM, Mineral Wells, WV
Wood County Sheriff's deputies are investigating an unusual accident in which a man was killed while trying to spit out a mouthful of tobacco.

Forty-two-year-old Howard Johnson of Ravenswood was a passenger in his girlfriend's car Monday morning. As the car was exiting Interstate 77 at Mineral Wells, Johnson opened the door to spit and fell out of the vehicle.

He died the next day from head injuries sustained in the fall.

Hillbilly book list
This is off the topic of the current 24-7 all-war-all-the-time coverage, but who cares. I'm putting the following on my 2005 Christmas wish list: Encyclopedia of Appalachia.

If the Pentagon needs to come up with new phrases (e.g. "shock & awe") and buzzwords, I wish they would turn to the blogosphere. Wouldn't you just pay to hear Rummy say something like this?

"Oh, who cares about the French. They're nothing but a bunch of assclowns. And if you think I'm about to divulge the location of the 82nd Airborne, then you're bigger fucktards than I originally thought. I'll have to send you to Chicago to take to the streets with those rectal goblins protesting Operation Iraqi Freedom. As for Saddam's sons, well, they're little assnuggets,if you ask me. Why don't we turn our attention to Saddam's latest speech, shall we? Can we get that up on the screen? OK, I shall now fisk the Iraqi leader's address to his people."

No, for the love of God, this ain't it
If one more frigging journalist asks in a whining tone, "Is THIS 'shock and awe'?", I'm gonna explode into a hillbilly "shock and awe" rage like the world has never seen.

I can totally see these dim bulbs standing there, with a big mushroom cloud in the background, inquiring, "Is THIS 'shock and awe'? Huh, do you think? Is this it? What are you hearing back in the studio, Bob? Is it 'shock and awe'?"

Hmmm, maybe "shock" and "awe" are the names of nuclear bombs, like "Fat Man" and "Little Boy."

Furthermore, I'm tired of hearing about the journalists "embedded with the troops." I know a few journalists who would love to be "em-bedded" with troops, or damn near anything else with opposable thumbs.

Dense fog
Continued desperate attempts by the local news station to offer international news coverage -- tonight it came in the form of the moronic weatherman giving the forecast (weather, that is) for the Middle East. OK, fine. That's tolerable. But then he said, "So, if American troops do invade Kuwait, they'll have to slightly increasing temperatures." KUWAIT? At least get the right damn country!

Not a target
It came as no surprise to me tonight when the local news reported that "there have been no direct terrorist threats against West Virginia." How can anyone with a half a wit get on TV and say such nonsense?! Oh sure, I know, the plastic-faced blonde bitches just read whatever the script says, but for the love of God -- they could at least grin as they say it to acknowledge the ridiculousness.
Meanwhile, I've been put "on alert" because as soon as the war "breaks out" I have to rush to work to post on the company's website the head of the company's "reaction" to the war. I'm not kidding. It'd be one thing if my employer had something vaguely to do with the military.

Misspellings du jour

Outdoor sign in front of a restaurant in Wood County: "Pray for Amercia"

Pray for "Amercia" and that "Amercians" learn how to spell.

Permanent sign on side of a restaurant in Monongalia County: "Family owned buisness since 1937."

Apparently the family also has been misspelling the most basic of words since 1937.

Readin' and Ritin'
In a slightly related matter, WV legislators are considering giving counties the option of starting the school year earlier, as early as Aug. 11. Not surprisingly, among those adamantly opposed to the idea are the West Virginia Education Association and the West Virginia Federation of Teachers (as reported in today's Charleston Daily Mail).

-30-
In journalism, "-30-" at the end of an article shows that that's the end. I'm not sure anyone actually uses it any more, but that's what was taught to me waaaaay back in high school journalism. I should also note that we used an electric typewriter to write our articles for class. Just to show you how things have changed.

Anyway, today I'm thirty years old and it looks like my story is going to ramble on, in spite of the -30-. I'd planned to write a festive Elizabeth Smart Mad Lib in honor of the occasion, but I'm instead struggling with a personal matter and in no mood for such folly. So I guess you'll just have to tune in next year for that Mad Lib.

And this from a state whose university refers to itself as the "Cocks"
The Hur Herald has the whole story on a South Carolina newspaper columnists remarks about West Virginia. The Hur Herald is, to my knowledge, one of or the only online-only news publication in the state. (Hat tip to the Brooklyn Hillbilly, a regular reader of the Hur Herald)

More brilliance out of Salt Lake City
There's something about this Salt Lake City police chief that really irks me. First of all, why even have a press conference -- or at least don't take questions. I'm the first to admit reporters ask some pretty berzerk and stupid things. One reporter asked where Mitchell got the money to do all the traveling he did. Now that seems like a pretty good question to me. Not that they're going to answer it, but still, it's pretty logical. Where does a homeless guy get the cash to travel to San Diego? The police chief retorts, "GOD," snickers, and moves on to the next question. Good grief, at least say you're investigating and don't want to comment. What a jackass.

And speaking of jackasses...
I'm presently cheering for Syracuse to down Georgetown in the Big East tournament. It takes a lot for a Mountaineer to cheer for the Orangemen, but that's what I'm doing 'cause I don't think Jim Boeheim would hurl obscenities at an elderly man. I was heartened to hear the Boston College play-by-play announcer Ted Sarandis mention tonight on WV MetroNews' Sportline that Craigie E. had had some "problems" at Georgetown. He also insinuated that the only reason Craigie E. was still hanging on to his job was because of John Thompson's lingering dictatorship influence on the Georgetown program. These comments followed a most-impressive, unprovoked speech (by Sarandis) singing the praises of WVU coach John Beilein.

I'm already dreading the day when some school steals Beilein away from us. And you know who I fear most? Syracuse. Jim Boeheim has been there 27 years and surely retirement will be coming sometime in the coming years. Wouldn't that be just the place for our JB to finish out his career -- back in his homeland? I really hope I'm wrong, but I just can't imagine us having the money to keep him here for the rest of his career.

P.S. Syracuse has won. Thank you, Jim Boeheim -- keep coaching a very long time.

Go ahead and take the jewelry, just don't mess with my 4-wheeler!
Oooooh, big crime wave in my home county, as the Parkersburg News reports today. Luckily, none of my relatives own 4-wheelers (or 3 wheelers, for that matter), so I don't have to worry about thieves targeting my "kin-folk."

Smart Bombshell
I watched the "Elizabeth Smart is Found" pep rally press conference. I'm glad the girl is alive and seems to be well, but is it really appropriate to act with such giddiness when it's taken 9 months to find her? And was it appropriate for the Salt Lake City police chief to comment enthusiastically that Elizabeth looked just like her pictures and was "a very attractive young lady"?

Teletubbies take Kentucky
I can only hope they are content with the Bluegrass State and don't try to cross the border. Ipse Dixit has a startling image of the new Kentucky license plate. Kind of makes me thankful for our non-descript plates.

Obit watch
From the Sometimes It's Better To Say Nothing At All Dept., we have this from an obituary in one of the state newspapers:

"He was a member of VFW, his hobbies included golfing and fishing and he was a former coffee drinker."

Shopping rant
I go in to Elder Beerman and, as one of 5 customers in the entire store, I'm expecting exemplary service since there appears to be a glut of sales personnel. Wrong. I find a woven placemat on the discount shelf that I think might be worth the 98 cents on the tag. I am then turned down by not one, but TWO worthless sun-baked skanks who claim their cash registers are closed. Neither offer any hints as to where I might find an open register.

Geographically-challenged Yankees
A rare visit from the Brooklyn Hillbilly brought entertaining news of how his Manhattan colleagues view the Mountain State. One of the most amusing to me is the apparently widely-held notion that WV is part of The South, to the same extent that states like Georgia (Jah-juh) and Mississippi (Miss-sippy) are in The South.
Sure, technically most of the state is below the Mason Dixon line, but the South? That seems bizarre -- I identify more with Pennsylvania and New Jersey than Louisiana (Looz-ee-anna).
Of course, part of this sentiment is likely traced to another widely-held belief -- that WV is not its own state, but is, in fact, a territory of Virginia. And since Va. is historically tied to the South -- well, maybe that's the connection. The Brooklyn Hillbilly has had to explain the news of our succession from Va. on numerous occasions, using as verification the outline of WV on the weather maps shown on the NY TV stations. What -- did they think there was a big circular RIVER running through Virginia? How can otherwise wordly people be so stupid about a large tract of land not too far to their southwest?

One more word on Georgetown's Craigie E.
I heard it straight from the clock operator's mouth that yes, he was berated by the Georgetown coach after Georgetown's win at the Coliseum. To understand why I'm outraged by this, you have to picture this little, quiet older man. He's been running the clock at games for decades. Now, yes, that may not be the best advertisement for someone responsible for operating equipment during a fast-paced college basketball game. But what about Craigie E.? It takes a special kind of jackass to curse at a grandfatherly man and allege that he tried to cheat.

"Books Not Bombs" bombs
I ought to provide a lengthy commentary on the local pathetic excuse for an anti-war protest which was billed as a "student walk-out," but I quit taking it seriously when I heard one of the student organizers on the radio this morning saying something to this effect:
"Yeah, we're hoping a lot of students come out. We're having it at 12:15 because that's when classes let out and most students will be done with their classes. That way they can come to the rally and not have to miss their classes, or at least not a whole day of classes."
Um, isn't that the idea of a "student walk-out"? Don't you need to WALK OUT of something -- like class?

Crying Craigie E
Sorry, I can't let it go quite yet. The last time he eked out a victory over the WVU Mountaineers, sweet Craigie E went out of his noggin complaining that his linebacker center had been manhandled by the Mountaineers. This time, after once again knocking off WVU in a very close match riddled with questionable officiating calls, Craigie E delivered a post-game "obscenity-laced tirade" to the CLOCK OPERATOR for what he perceived as a blatant attempt by the CLOCK OPERATOR to rob the poor little Hoyas of the victory. He blamed the CLOCK OPERATOR, not the officials for failing to signal to start the clock. Good Lord, this man needs medication, not to mention a clue -- preferably delivered upside the head with considerable force.

Craigie E can rest assured that people who work at sporting events year after year (and the WVU clock operator falls into this category) possess no urge to single-handedly influence the outcome of a game. You sit there and do the best you can do because, naturally, you want to do the best you can do, and you also know there will be hell to pay if you don't. Screwing up on national TV is even more embarrassing, and trying to control the clock to benefit the home team is definitely something that would be noticed.

The info about Craigie E, by the way, is reported by WVU play-by-play announcer Tony Caridi and was broadcast statewide just now on MetroNews Sportsline. Tony sits just a few seats down from the clock operator, so he was in the prime location to overhear said tirade.

Big Monday: Georgetown 69-WVU 67
Chalk up a "W" for the Big East Conference officials. In a purely dazzling display of fuckwittery, the brilliant three-man crew of John Clougherty, Tony Greene, and Reggie Greenwood (who I usually like, by the way) engineered a much-needed victory for Georgetown. I've watched a great deal of college basketball over the past 5 or so years. Typically, I think I keep a pretty open mind because I work during the games and have to see "the big picture."

Sometimes officiating crews just seem to call the game for a particular team. I've seen it happen a couple of times, but I think this was the most blatant example of it. I don't think they set out to do it. I suppose it's possible, but I don't give the guys enough credit to sit around and plan such a thing. Instead, I think it's subconscious, or maybe I just choose to think it's not intentional because the alternative is too sickening. Perhaps the officials were remembering when meek, mild-mannered Craigie E went cracker dog* following the first WVU-Georgetown game.

One interesting observation -- during the announcement of the starting line-ups, the Georgetown assistant coaches and many of the players clapped their hands over their ears in anticipation of the ceremonial firing of the musket by the Mountaineer mascot. As if the sound of gunfire is completely foreign to those living in the DC metro area.

And just one more thing about Craigie E -- I can't stand the way he struts out in the middle of the floor during time outs and stands there with his hands on his hips in manner of JC Penney catalog underwear model.

*The term "cracker dog" comes from the James Herriott book series (e.g. All Creatures Great and Small) and refers to a dog who's acting crazy.

Thanks to the Talking Dog, I've found another West Virginia blogger. John's blog is way more serious than mine. By serious I mean in-depth, thoughtful, informed, and about real issues. I'm just a troubled loner spouting off on various and sundry issues and, of course, critiquing the hopelessly pathetic obits of the local papers.

Now here's something I think most West Virginians will enjoy: International Eat an Animal for PETA Day. As you all know, West Virginia's obesity rate ranks second in the nation -- damned Mississippi edged us out for the top spot. Oh well, there's always rate of toothlessness. But anyway, back to eating animals! I encourage West Virginians to enjoy this new holiday sensibly -- say, by eating some nice lean chicken strips stir-fried with vegetables. I, daughter of a former TRAPPER (yes, as in catching animals in traps and selling the fur), will likely celebrate the occasion with some seafood. As March 15 is dreadfully close to my 30th birthday, the seafood will likely be of the deep-fried variety (who wants to diet when old age is staring you in the face??).

You know, I hate to beat a dea-- er, wait... I don't mean to harp on this, but what WAS this family thinking.

The following is the first line of the obit and is not explained at any point (you'll have to take my word for it, as the Chas. Gazette makes you pay to access their archives): "(name of deceased) died (date), at his home unexpectedly doing what he loved best." Judging from the obit, he was a widower. That, of course, doesn't rule out what my dirty mind automatically thinks. Later on, this nugget of info is offered: "He will be missed for all his ornery ways."

Dear Lord.

Sure, I may be sick -- suffering from a rare disease, no doubt -- but I can still appreciate the daily absurdities in the Chas. Daily Mail obits. Today's issue carried news of marauding angels, stealing one woman from her home -- "The angels have taken (name & birthdate of deceased) to be with God." Those pesky angels. They come in without knocking, leave the bloody door open upon exiting...

And then there's this poor woman whose family felt it necessary to say: "(name of deceased) was a petite, charming woman who gave her time to bettering the communities in which she lived." OK, the last part is great, but PETITE? Is that an accomplishment or in any way relevant? Note to Brooklyn Hillbilly: When writing my obit, be sure to note that I had a genetic predisposition for obesity -- apparently that sort of thing is important to include for historical record.

Bioterror or flu, you decide
Ugh...am sick...as I've had a flu shot, can only assume this is bioterror...or perhaps employer is finally successful in attempts to drain the life out of me...oh, please, write me a good obit, Brooklyn Hillbilly...try to use the word "existential" - might well be first use of the word in a WV obit.

Obituary Watch
The death of a Muslim man threw a wrench into the operations of the "went-home-to-be-with-Jesus" obit writers in Charleston. Instead of, oh, I don't know, saying the poor Iranian man died, someone crafted the following lead sentence:

(Name of Deceased) of _____, Iran, went home to be with his son, (name), and his granddaughter, (name).

OK, now if this weren't an obit, would you know the man died? Someone from Iran went home to be with his son and granddaughter -- that is supposed to tell you he died? Maybe he just hopped on a plane to Tehran.

So, I wonder how this went when they were writing the obituary. Did the funeral director or someone say, "It is a custom in our country Mrs. ____ to say the deceased went home to be with Jesus."
Imagine the woman recoiling in horror.

"Well, perhaps, we could say he went home to be with some of your other dead relatives. Do you have family members who are deceased?"
"My son and granddaughter."
"PERFECT! He went home to be with his son and granddaughter!"

I suppose you're thinking to yourself, "There are Muslims in West Virginia?" Why, yes, and here in the Mountain State we believe everyone should be treated equally, even in death. That means every man, woman, and child, regardless of race or religion, deserves and shall receive an equally ridiculous obituary.

* Note: I did not ASSume the man was Muslim. The obituary listed a local Islamic Center as site of the memorial service.

The piles of snow are slowly melting, but now we've got rain to contend with. A model of proactivity, the local health department has faxed out tips for disinfecting one's house and belongings in the event of flooding.

In other news, someone phoned in a bomb threat to 911 this morning. The threat was to a general vacinity encompassing my workplace. I was surprised by the lackadaisical reaction of our administrators and security personnel, especially since they've been preaching for weeks that "tensions were rising" because of the "looming war" (laughable statements considering our location and, in my estimation, generally disinterested residents). My boss reasoned that because the threat was not very specific it wasn't credible. So, a word of advice to all you threat-phoner-inners, if you want to be taken seriously, be specific. Interestingly, this is the same writing advice I used to give my English 1 students.

Greetings from the State of Emergency. 20 inches or more on the ground and more falling as I type. Here are a couple of really bad photos I snapped this morning, plus a gratuitous cat picture.

I think tomorrow is definitely the day I'll break out of here. The main street is clear and tantalizingly close. If the plow doesn't go by tonight, surely the neighbors and I can shovel down to the main street and then we'll be FREE! ...ugh, to go back to work. Well, maybe I should just stay here and forget about shoveling.

The local TV stations are already congratulating themselves on the great coverage they've provided throughout the storm. Actually, that started yesterday before the storm even passed. "WE WERE THERE WITH HOURLY UPDATES WHEN SNOW STARTED FALLING!" Yeah, you're the frickin' broadcast media -- that's what you do.

A few Sunday stats
Phone calls from boss re: big-ass snowstorm -- 3
Loads of laundry washed -- 1
Hours spent sniffing paint fumes -- 3
Inches of snow shoveled -- 12-24 (drifting, you see)
Inches left to be shoveled -- 2, plus whatever the bloody wind deposits on my driveway

Oh good Lord. The local news has just led with the following:

"Imagine you're in charge of homeland security in West Virginia -- where would you put troops?"

Uh, what? Troops?

What followed later in the program was a segment in which the reporter asked random WV citizens to place -- I'm not kidding -- plastic toy soldiers on various maps of the state to indicate which parts they would guard in the event of attack. One man declared he would protect Greenbank. A woman said she'd place troops at The Greenbrier, for some reason, thinking that the invaders would want to occupy the now-public Cold War era bunker. Based on these answers, perhaps we should all start practicing how to say "Montani Semper Liberi" in Arabic.

Somehow, I imagine if any foreign power wishes to invade one of the 50 U.S. states West Virginia is going to be pretty low on the list, probably battling our perennial foe Mississippi for 50th. Then again, Mississippi at least has a sea port.

Hmmm, seems that I'm a wolf...


Wolf


What Is Your Animal Personality?
brought to you by Quizilla

Well, we're hunkered down here in northcentral WV, waiting for the certain attack. If the lines at the grocery store tonight was any indication, I think it's safe to say every man, woman & child has enough food and water to make it through the weekend. Oh, did I mention it's SNOW, not terrorists, we're waiting for? Nary a flake has fallen so far.

Millionaire, Savior of Pepperoni Rolls
Oh sure, you probably know about Sen. Jay Rockefeller's (D-W.Va.) work with health care and programs for veterans. OK, maybe you know him best for his wealth and family tree, but did you know that he SAVED pepperoni rolls as we know them? Yeah, neither did I. While looking for images of pepperoni rolls, I happened onto this interesting piece about Sen. Rockefeller "saving" the pepperoni roll. Here's the actual text of the senator's letter on the topic.

Here's the gist of it:

In 1987, Rockefeller got involved in "saving" the pepperoni roll because "a rule change the USDA was implementing would re-classify these mostly small, family-owned bakeries as meat packers. This change in designation would require them to meet the more stringent safety and sanitation standards that meat processing businesses must follow."

My gosh, I never knew the pepperoni roll was in danger! Thank goodness this tragedy was averted.

V-day Folly
A few weeks ago I asked the Brooklyn Hillbilly to help me with a little Hillbilly Sophisticate Valentine's Day Sweetheart project. I was going to compile a list of 5 most desirable WV males; he was going to compile the list of 5 most desirable WV females. Recipients of this high honor had to have some measure of fame and either legally reside in WV or have been born and/or raised in WV. Sadly, I must report that 10 such individuals do not exist.
The Brooklyn Hillbilly's lone nominations were "Alias" star Jennifer Garner (raised in Charleston, WV) and Rep. Shelley Moore Capito (R-WV). I did no better. After nominating WVU basketball coach John Beilein, I could come up with no one else. Certainly not Soupy Sales or Don Knotts - ick. Or our clogging governor (though, I suppose, slightly more desirable than Sales or Knotts).

The Hillbilly Sophisticate revealed
The Talking Dog has described me as a West Highland White Terrier. Well, perhaps I'm not quite that perky, but thanks -- I'm certainly in the West Highlands.

The Talking Dog brings up a good point. I suppose I am a little mysterious with ye old blog. So, here's the deal -- I'm:
--female
--precariously close to turning 30 (people years, not dog years)
--a life-long resident of WV
--a registered Democrat, but, well, you'd have to live in rural WV to understand why (where I grew up, if you're not registered as a Democrat, then you pretty much don't get to vote in the primaries). When I change my voter registration to my current "city" of residence, I plan to register as an Independent (screw the primaries).

Some more fun facts about the Hillbilly Sophisticate:
Countries visited--Germany, Switzerland, Bulgaria, Mexico (if you count Tijuana), Canada, Italy, and Liechtenstein (long enough to buy postcards)

Why "Hillbilly Sophisticate"?
When I was, shall we say, larger, there was a store in the mall that really irritated the hell out of me: The Petite Sophisticate. Every time I passed that store I had the inexplicable urge to spit. Perhaps it was the script lettering of their oh-so-sophisticated sign. No, I think it was just the idea that PETITE people needed their own bloody store, so they could go be petite AND sophisticated amongst their own kind. I should add that the mall had no store at all (at that time) selling only size 14 and above sizes (this, you see, was the real source of my rage). Petite people, on the other hand, had their own sophisticated little store (little, hee hee).

Further proof that Idiotarians reign in WV:

Women may get state seal of approval
Resolution OKs study of adding female to West Virginia emblem

Hmmm, the phrase FIDDLING WHILE ROME BURNS comes to mind.

Thanks to Laurence Simon of Amish Tech Support for pointing out the apparent lunacy of Rep. Nick Rahall, D-W.Va. He was one of TWO representatives voting against this resolution, which -- unless I'm missing something -- seems to be a benign affirmation of the obvious, long-established relationship between the U.S. and Israel.

The legislature's in session, so you know what that means -- yep, NEW TAXES!!! Yippeee!!!!
I feel it's my civic duty to assist the state by offering the following tax ideas:

Buffet tax -- Tax would be assessed on any buffet meal including but not limited to all-you-can-eat salad and food bars. Tax would be doubled if buffet-goers have screaming child(ren) in tow.

Fowl luxury tax -- Any individual possessing a concrete goose lawn decoration would be subject to a tax based on the extent of said goose's wardrobe.

Pepperoni roll tax -- To punish the uppity north central region of the state, known for its disgraceful economic prosperity AND for producing one of the state's most prized culinary treasures, a one cent tax should be placed on every pepperoni roll.

Lack of originality tax -- Every family vacationing in the general vacinity of Myrtle Beach, S.C., shall be taxed $100 for blatant lack of creativity in travel planning.

Thanks to the Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler, I've been reading this blog from Iraq.

So, if you forget it's Valentine's Day and are left with nothing to present to your significant other, there's always the option of stealing 2,500 roses.

After a near-fatal accident while carrying in my giant opuntia last night during a snow storm (for those of you who think 'opuntia' sounds dirty, it's a cactus), the move into the new abode is nearing completion. Unpacking the boxes and clearing a path through the basement is another matter entirely.

Blogging will be extremely light in the coming days/week as this is the beginning of the big move to the new shack house.

The Hillbilly in Brooklyn (henceforth known as the Brooklyn Hillbilly) brought up an interesting topic -- what will West Virginia put on its quarter? Vermont chose maple trees; Mississippi the magnolia. Since none of our state symbols (cardinal, rhododendron, black bear, etc.) are especially unique to WV, we fear the state will have to come up with something else. The Brooklyn Hillbilly feels strongly that it should not be the image from the state seal. I suggested the state seal could be modified, in light of the state's financial woes, to replace June 20, 1863 engraved on the rock with "RENT THIS SPACE" or "YOUR AD HERE."

Other ideas for the quarter:

* the Wal-Mart smiley face
* large white-tail deer, gutted and hanging from stately sugar maple (the state tree)
* Brook trout version of the "Jesus fish"
* silhouette of Robert C. Byrd

A Pittsburgh TV news program tonight reported about a peace rally held in that city today. The report featured comments by a woman who, along with her cohorts, was lying in the middle of a downtown Pittsburgh street. Sayeth this brilliant individual: "They're calling this a pre-emptive strike. I'm a school teacher; how am I supposed to tell my kids not to hit someone first when our President is doing this?"

Um, OK, how do I say this nicely?

YOU UTTER FUCKWIT!! IS THAT THE BEST ARGUMENT YOU CAN COME UP WITH?? Clearly, she doesn't teach logic.

Now, I'm not sitting here (barefoot, clad in overalls, of course) drooling with eager anticipation of military action, but, for the love of God, scuffles on the jungle gym are slightly different from international relations -- or at least I'm just guessing, having had no hands-on experience in either.

Since this clueless teacher hasn't much creativity, I'll provide her with some wording:

Little Johnny: "Mrs. F.W., why are we bombing Iraq?"
Mrs. F.W.: "Well, Johnny, there are many complex issues in the world. Sometimes people like the President have to make very difficult decisions and do what they think is best for the country."

Enough. Stop there. I seriously doubt little Johnny is going to say, "But Mrs. F.W., you always say not to push Sally off the swing? Since George Bush is slaughtering innocent Iraqis, does that mean I can push whomever I want off the swing? Huh, huh, Mrs. F.W.???"

My friend, the Hillbilly in Brooklyn, alerted me to this story in the Charleston Daily Mail: Attorney general's office scraps anti-bullying effort.

The attorney general's office has scrapped its controversial anti-bullying program after critics statewide complained that it promoted homosexuality in the school system.

Deputy Attorney General Fran Hughes announced this week that the office has ended the Civil Rights Team Project, a safe schools initiative operating in about 20 West Virginia public schools.

A handful of students from each school served as role models, reported and stopped harassment and helped create a safe environment for all students.

Here's where they ran into trouble:

Some of the material for the Civil Rights Team Project, which was ultimately removed by the attorney general's office late last year, suggested that role model students wear T-shirts with slogans like "Straight but not narrow" and use words like "parent" instead of mother and father or "date" instead of boyfriend or girlfriend.

I kid you not, the residents of McDowell County are planning a PRAYER VIGIL in hopes of saving their KMart. The KMart in Kimball is one of 326 stores nationwide slated to be closed. While I see why it's important to have a retail store in a remote area of southern WV, I'm not so sure a PRAYER VIGIL is the way to go. Really, do they expect divine intervention?


Recent sportscaster blunder
WV sportscaster to coach during post-game interview: "Coach, you've teached and teached and taught and taught patience to your players..."

Oh good grief, what a sign of the times -- the Hatfields v. McCoys fight has been resurrected in a Kentucky court room. Oh how I yearn for the good old days when such disputes were settled with gunfire and hog-stealing. If the legal dispute should ever move to WV, the two families are evenly matched with four state bar members per family.

Civilization Cometh
About four months after the first TJMaxx in WV opened in Vienna (yes, Virginia, there's a Vienna in WV, too), the first Home Depot will open its doors in St. Albans in mid-February.

This is the second night in a row Geraldo Rivera has been broadcasting live from the middle of a mob scene in Venezuela (and by mob I mean large unruly gathering of protesters, not something out of the Godfather). WHY? Why is he in Venezuela? Why is he trying to anchor a TV show while surrounded by screaming, sign-wielding Venezuelans? Didn't anyone think ahead of time that this might not work logistically? GAH. It seems to me Geraldo should be in Baghdad anyway.

Obit Watch

A funeral home in the southern part of the state has added the following lingo (not once, but twice) to the obituary pages of the Charleston Gazette:

God opened his arms and received (name of deceased), on (date).

Another disturbing trend in obituaries is this twist on the usual "so & so went to be with Jesus" language:

(name of deceased) went home to be with her Lord (date), after an extended illness.

Her Lord? Is hers different from mine??
Another family or funeral director included this somewhat bizarre statement in another obituary:

He had a consciousness of the underprivileged and those in need.

Uhh...he was conscious of them and able to dodge them on the street, or what?

And, sadly, one woman's family felt it necessary to describe her long, no doubt dedicated and admirable teaching career as "50-odd years of teaching."

I closed on my shack house yesterday. I've learned that the going rate for changing the name on a utility account -- without turning off the utility -- is $30. Oh sure, I know someone comes out and reads the meter, but how arduous is that?

I also learned that West Virginia still uses the category of "single woman" (not, for example, a single person) in real estate transactions. The realtors sugar-coated the contracts they did, using "a single person," but indeed, there it was on the final contract for the house, just one of numerous papers shuffled in front of me to sign -- A SINGLE WOMAN. As if a single woman is somehow different than a single man or a single person. There's some kind of implied danger to that phrase, like there's no one to keep me in line. I don't have to tell you how hopeless it is trying to research this on the internet. Typing in "single woman," even with numerous real estate terms, yields a host of unsavory results.

A whole lot of whining and complaining coming out of the nation's capital today, a day after the WVU Mountaineers just about beat Georgetown on the Hoyas' home court. This is a big deal because WVU starts 3 freshmen and 2 sophomores, has a grand total of - if I'm counting correctly - seven scholarship players, and is in Coach John Beilein's first season. Despite WVU's upset victories over Florida and Tennessee back in December, our Big East brothers still don't respect the Mountaineers -- nor do the sportswriters in DC:

Sophomore guard Tony Bethel saved Georgetown from serious embarrassment yesterday against unheralded West Virginia in its Big East Conference opener, hitting an extremely difficult three-point shot from the left baseline that sent the game into overtime and the two free throws that clinched an 84-82 victory at MCI Center.

Oh indeed, what a serious embarrassment to have been outplayed by a team that's already knocked off Tennessee, Florida, and Miami, and played a hell of a game at UNLV! The Washington Times termed it "near-disastrous."
Here's where the pissing and moaning comes in:

No one who has watched (Georgetown coach) Esherick in public during his four-plus seasons as Georgetown's coach had ever seen him so furious. His anger was directed at officials who he insists allow opponents to foul Mike Sweetney too often without being called but whistle "hand checks" on the Hoyas' perimeter players.

"I'm sick of the way Mike Sweetney is being treated in our league," Esherick said, "and it makes no sense. And it is unfair. It's unfair to have to make a 20-year-old have to deal with that . . . One time Mike didn't even want to go down court he got fouled so bad."

Oh cry me a river, jackass. Poor little 260-pound, 6'-8" Sweetney. Clearly he was unfairly man-handled by the big, mean Mountaineers (the heaviest of whom weighs 225). He did, after all, finish the game with only 35 points, 19 rebounds, 5 blocks, 4 assists, 3 steals and ONE PERSONAL FOUL!
Get a frigging grip, Esherick. You were out-played and out-coached and are damn lucky to have escaped "serious embarrassment" -- tis far less embarrassing, you know, to wail like a schoolgirl after WINNING a close game than to lose to the "unheralded" Mountaineers. You're gonna have a wonderful trip to Morgantown come March 5.

UPDATE: An even better article is here...

Since I was away from my computer for a full 48 hours, I managed to rack up about 50 spam messages (spammers must have taken the weekend off -- usually have 100 or more). This one, from marriedalone13045p13@hotmail.com, has my favorite subject line of the lot:

Lonley and married people alike are looking to meet someone

Sounds like an above-average thesis statement from my former English 1 students.

I'm sure the state (and nation, no doubt) watched with eager anticipation as Gov. Bob Wise delivered his annual State of the State address tonight. Highlights include proposals for raising the cigarette tax from 17 cents to 55 cents per pack (ouch), adopting the .08 alcohol level as proof of impairment and maintaining funding of the PROMISE scholarship program (don't even get me started on that).

The Governor is also concerned that too many senior citizens have to "choose between food and medicine" or "skip pills to make a prescription last until the next Social Security check arrives." He suggests "fighting" the "big brand name drug companies." Of course, as I learned today, there is another option for senior citizens in need of cash.

And a little tip to the Gov.'s communications team -- when posting speeches online it looks a tad silly to post the actual speech that the Gov. read from. Reading "point-oh-eight" instead of .08 and the pronunciations of big words like "Blanchette" in parentheses (e.g. "BLAWN-CHET") really detracts from what would otherwise be a spiritual experience.

CBS' Hillbilly Reality Series Criticized

The Center for Rural Strategies in Whitesburg placed quarter-page ads in The New York Times, The Washington Post and The Cincinnati Enquirer.

"The brass at CBS clearly think it's safe to make fun of and commercialize low-income rural folks," center President Dee Davis said. "We intend to lessen their comfort zone and make them rethink this premise."

Center for Rural Strategies? What the heck do they do? I mean, besides use the phrase "low-income rural folks" a lot.

The cost of Tuesday's three ads was $75,000, Davis said.

In my home county, one could easily purchase two decent homes for "low-income rural folks" for $75,000. And that probably would have done more good than whining about some reality TV series. People are eating horse rectums on Fear Factor -- what does that say about TV, American culture, etc.? I'm more offended that people WATCH people eat horse rectums than I am about some proposed hillbillies-go-to-Beverly-Hills reality show.

By the way, it is perhaps even more gross to read about dimwits eating horse rectums than it is to actually view the show (I can only speculate because I would NOT watch it).

Wrong number du jour
My phone rang last night at 6:20 p.m., which is in and of itself an entirely unusual occurrence. It became even more unusual when the caller asked, without even a polite hello, "DID YOU GET THE TACOS OUT OF THE OVEN?" I paused a moment, wondering if this was a Mexican variation of the old "Is your refrigerator running?" joke, but then calmly told her she had the wrong number (too bad -- tacos would have been nice). But then I was immediately overcome by curiosity -- Do people BAKE tacos? Sure, I've heard of warming the shells, but why would one go off and leave tacos in an oven? Does she have some new-fangled taco recipe that requires extensive baking? It wasn't until 11:15 p.m. that I came up with a hypothetical scenario that allowed me to finally go to sleep: Perhaps the woman made the tacos, then left them in a warm oven for her daughter to find when she got home. So in the end, you see, 'tis I who is stark-raving mad and not the taco lady.

Answer-phone joke triggers terror raid
Let this be a lesson to all you answering machine comedians.

You know, that clone-happy Raelian doctor looked kind of familiar the first time I saw her. I've finally figured it out -- either she is Grandmama from The Addams Family or she is Grandmama's clone!

Cavalier Obits
Since we have established that Charlottesville, VA, is, apparently, the hub of civilization, I turned to the Charlottesville Daily Progress to see how our cosmopolitan neighbors commemorate the dead. I was relieved to find that residents of that distinguished city -- like their neighbors to the west -- often "enter enternal rest" or "go to be with the Savior" instead of merely dying. (see also related Dec. 6 rant) While perusing the Dec. 29, 2002 obits, however, I happened upon the mother lode of obituary folly:

Mrs. ________ was blessed by many God-given talents and will be fondly remembered by her marvelous memory of telling family stories and reciting lyrics, such as "Froggie Went a Courting."

2002 was the WV Legislature's year of the overweight coal trucks; 2003 is shaping up to be the year of the doctors. The doctors are doing a great job of getting this issue out right before the start of the legislative session and the governor's state of the state address next week. And, since we're in the post-holiday news lull, national news outlets are picking up on the story.

Since I'm arriving back in cyberspace so long after the Continental Tire Bowl incident sparking the furor between UVA and WVU, I'm not going to say much on the issue. I will, however, direct you to several articles gracing the pages of newspapers across the country.

Skit by U-Va. 'Scramble Band' Jeered
Parody of TV's 'The Bachelor' Offends West Virginia Fans (this story in The Washington Post provides the most background about the UVA band)

Virginia sorry about pep band parody of West Virginia (AP story picked up by San Francisco Chronicle and many others)

'I'm surprised that pigtails are offensive'
UVa. band leader says aim wasn't to offend
WVU calls 'hillbilly' skit unsportsmanlike

As you might guess, I'm not horribly offended by the term hillbilly (duh -- it's in the name of my blog), and it is rather difficult for me to make a decent argument against the skit (which, for the record, I did not see) when our official team mascot wears buckskin and a coonskin cap.

I was one of just a few NOT pregnant this year at the family Christmas dinner. Any lingering sadness I had about that fact was soon dispelled last night when I stopped at JC Penney and was accosted not once but thrice by hellish little urchins.

The first duo came up and stood next to me – and I mean right up against my leg – while I was searching for a size L shirt in an endless stack of Smalls (marked down to $2.77!). These two were old enough to know that going up to strangers and staring at them and making faces was not appropriate conduct. I was, however, slightly shocked that my instant response was to say sternly, “GO AWAY!” This failed to move the two evil creatures, so I asked, “WHAT DO YOU WANT?” When they refused to go away, I finally had to abandon that stack of clearance items.
The next two encounters of the sugared-up hellion kind resulted from, to the best of my estimation, games of tag amongst the racks of clothing.

Imagine – just hours earlier I had been lamenting my poor bored, nearly-30-year-old uterus.

Obituary Watch
Now it wouldn't be the holidays without critiquing the obits, would it?

In today's Daily Mail, one obit ends with the following lines: "Jimmy's greatest desire was to go to Heaven and be reunited with Dad, Mom and wife, Lois. He finally has made it! "

Sadly, 'twas not the Hillbilly Sophisticate who struck it rich in the yuletide Powerball drawing. I did, however, win a whopping $4 for matching the Powerball number and one other number. My winnings bought one bag of Wow potato chips and a soda.

Over all, I was impressed with the winner's performance at the press conference today. (You could, by the way, see the dollar signs go cha-ching in the Governor & tax commissioner's eyes.) When I heard the ticket had been sold in West Virginia, I began fearing that the winner would be some redneck in flourescent orange camouflage who would belt out in stereotypical hick-speak, "I'M GONNA GET ME BOAT! A REAL BIG BOAT!" OK, I was mildly annoyed that the winner was already a millionaire, but he sounds like he's really going to do some good things with the money.

More obituary follies (see also related Dec. 6 rant)
I suppose it's not exactly in the spirit of the season, but I've once again turned my attention to the obituaries appearing in the state's major newspapers. Honest to goodness, I don't know what goes through people's minds when they craft obits that begin with lines such as the following:

"(name of deceased), 82, of _____ was suddenly called home."
Suddenly called home?? Had she left the oven on?

"(Name of deceased), went to be with his Heavenly Father, Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ and his guide, the Holy Spirit through life (date), at his home after a long and courageous battle with cancer." Uh...wow, I think you've covered all the bases with that one.

"(Name of deceased) of Charleston departed this earthly plane on after a long illness."
Oh yes, the word "life" is so tired and overused -- "earthly plane" is FAR better.


This one is so bizarre it merits copying more than just the first line:
"(Name of deceased) passed away last night among those who loved her.
She was a beautiful flower who touched others with her glow.
Her fragrance will forever be impressed upon the hearts of those touched by her.
(Name of deceased) left this world to start a new life in Heaven."

Her fragrance? ACK! Even if I die young, I don't want anyone writing about my fragrance, nor do I particularly care that any one have my fragrance "forever impressed upon" his/her heart!

Byrd's big screen debut
Senator happy with small role in ‘Gods and Generals'

Oh, great, there's no better time for our esteemed West Virginia Senator to appear on the front page of The Daily Mail wearing a confederate uniform. Why not put him on horseback and drape him with a white sheet? Why, in the name of God, didn't one of his staffers realize it might not be a wise idea for Sen. "I've-changed-since-my-Klan-days" to portray a CONFEDERATE general in a movie?

I got the brilliant idea of making some of my family's old Christmas cookie recipes. Old recipes, not cookies. Anyway, I've been in the kitchen struggling with such vague instructions as "add enough flour to make stiff batter," "bake in hot oven" and "bake until done." ARGH! The Hillbilly Sophisticate needs explicit directions when it comes to cooking!

From the Deep Thoughts department:
Why do some parents agonize over getting their infant's hair cut for the first time but have no second thoughts about circumcision?

Looks like Seattle Times writer Nicole Brodeur caught quite a bit of hell about her article. I find myself in the strange position of feeling that I need to stick up for Ms. Brodeur. While I initially was perturbed about her references to West Virginia, I am a sane enough hillbilly to recognize the irony in West Virginia joining Massachusetts in appealing an antitrust settlement between Microsoft and the government.

I bet she was surprised by the outcry in support of WV. You see, most people who grow up in WV have to leave (to find jobs), so we're scattered all over the country, including, apparently, in the Pacific northwest. And most of us, while realizing our home state is a wee bit isolated, continue to hold a fierce loyalty and pride in the West Virginia hills, including its oddities like locales named Paw Paw, Big Ugly, Onego, and War (I could go on and on).

The following went out on the AP wire this morning:
U.S. attorney says W.Va. good place for terrorists to hide
December 09, 2002 7:57 AM -- Charleston
The US Attorney for southern West Virginia says that if he were a terrorist looking for a good place to hide and plan an attack, he would come to West Virginia.

Kasey Warner says West Virginia's illegal drug and gun networks, central location on the East Coast, remote hollows, chemical plants and interstate highways make it an ideal location for terrorists.

He is convinced the next major terrorist attack will be in the "heartland."

Uh, I'm confused. Is this part of the state's new tourism campaign? Is he asking that terrorists relocate here? 'Cause that's certainly what it sounds like. "We gotch yer remote hollows and chemical plants right here! That's right -- acres and acres of untouched wilderness for your terrorist camps! Teach your recruits to scale tall buildings using West Virginia's scenic Seneca Rocks! Prepare for an attack-by-ocean on the Gauley River! If it's terrorism on the rails that you're preparing for, how about practicing on a Shay steam-drive locomotive?"

Any West Virginia sympathizer should read the following if you really want to get your blood boiling:
Big attitude from wild West Virginia
I'm slightly impressed that Ms. Brodeur did enough research to find out there are towns in West Virginia called Big Ugly and Paw Paw, but I'm a little puzzled that she chose Paw Paw as one of the oddest names. Obviously, she may not be acquainted with the Paw Paw TREE and the delectable banana-like fruits it bears. The Paw Paw tree grows wild in "wild West Virginia" -- folks in other parts of the U.S. have to order the trees from nurseries (yes, I HAVE seen them in catalogs). Because I'm filled with generous holiday spirit, I'm tempted to offer Ms. Brodeur an all-expenses-paid trip to War, WV. Ah, come on, Ms. Brodeur, just kidding -- I do realize that your column is pro-WV in a roundabout, back-handed sort of way.

I am a firm believer that it is criminal for newspapers to charge to print obituaries. If they want to edit them down to a couple of paragraphs, then fine -- do it. But don't, for the love of God, give people the option of paying for longer obits and - gasp - ALLOW PEOPLE TO WRITE THEIR OWN! No, no, no! While it might seem that writing is a simple enough thing and just any old person of the street could craft a normal obituary, this is obviously not the case, based on the embarrassing tributes that plague most of West Virginia's newspapers (now that the newspapers have started charging and adopting an anything-goes policy). Of course, I understand the family's position, too, having had to provide info for an obit once myself. If there's an option to PAY for a BIG obituatury, then grieving families probably feel they have to in order to properly memorialize the deceased -- to not PAY for the obit would be an indicator that the deceased was not truly loved, right? So I want to tell my survivors right now -- the who, what, when, where and how is just fine for me.

Today's edition of the local newspaper contains four obituaries, and of the four deceased, only one simply died. The rest were "called home to his Lord and Savior," "went to be with the Lord," and "went to be with her Heavenly Father." These creative descriptions of death often lead to rather comical implications, such as: "(Name of Deceased) went to be with the Lord on Tuesday, Dec. 3, 2002, at Monongalia General Hospital in Morgantown," which makes it sound like the Lord is AT Monongalia General Hospital in Morgantown and the deceased decided to go there and join Him. The individual who was "called home to his Lord and Savior" was summoned, apparently, at Big Bear Lake -- " (Name of Deceased) was called home to his Lord and Savior Wednesday, Dec. 4, 2002 at Big Bear Lake." That conjures up all sorts of mystical Native American images, and, I imagine, was wholly unintended by the grieving family.

An even more disturbing phenomenon is including messages directed to the deceased, such as one obit in today's Charleston Gazette which includes, "Jim, we miss you and look forward to seeing you in Heaven." Do they honestly believe this sentiment is going to reach the deceased? That Jim, who "went to his eternal home with the Lord, Dec. 3, 2002" is pulling up the online version of the Gazette to see if his loved ones miss him?

(9th circuit) Federal Court Rules Citizens Do Not Have Individual Right to Bear Arms
Now the folks who want to edit God out of the Pledge of Allegiance say we have no right to carry firearms. The Fox News story contains the following understatement of the century:
The 9th Circuit has been known for rulings to the left of its peers.

This just in from my aunt, who lives across the border in Ohio. She reports the following incompetence from her local newspaper when trying to place a classified ad for her car.

The ad she submitted, spelling out each word to the lady taking the information:
1996 Ford Contour V6. Loaded. 62,500 miles. Looks, runs great. Pampered. One owner. $4300. (Phone number)
The ad that appeared today read as follows:
1996 Ford Contour V6. Load. Sixty two thousand five hundred miles, Looks, runs great. Tampered. One owner. 4,300 dollars. (Phone number -- listed correctly, miraculously)

If I get one more spam about "farm girls go wild" someone's gonna have to deal with a "hillbilly gone mad."

After surviving Thanksgiving without any noticeable food poisoning, I woke up this morning and realized that I only have 24 days to shop for Christmas -- many of those days may be consumed with packing, moving, and cleaning the old-lady smell out of the new residence. So I donned my best sweat pants and decided to go a'shopping.

When I scraped the snow and ice off my windshield, I discovered that my windshield had spontaneously cracked. Oh, what luck I have.

But why should a cracked windshield get in the way of a shopping spree? I went anyway and had a highly successful trip. That is, until I got the goods home and started boxing up the items for wrapping and noticed that the cashier had left the ink tag on one of the sweaters. This is the second time this has happened to me at a JC Penney store. Wish I had that kind of luck with Powerball. Even though I have the receipt -- proof that I've spent over $100 at their store -- I feel like such a low-life criminal going back in and begging them to remove the ink tag.