Veternarian Discovers Cancer Cure, Media Focus on Royals

WICHITA, KA - A rural veterinarian has discovered what may be a cure for all cancers as well as small pox and the mumps. The startling news came from scientists at the Center for Disease Control as well as officials at the Food and Drug Administration who have spent the last seven years testing a home-made drug accidentally created by rural veterinarian Hiram Ellis of Derby, Kansas.

According to an FDA spokesman, back in September 2003, Dr. Ellis, age 55, had been attempting to improve on standard medication for the livestock malady Brucellosis. Ellis experimented in a home-made lab he'd set up in an old tool shed behind his farmhouse. Using roots and simple chemicals, Ellis threw together a formula he hoped would check the cattle illness. However Ellis' formula was accidentally mixed into a drink of Tang and ingested by his elderly mother who suffered from small pox as well as a rare form of toe cancer. Within four days, both small pox and cancer had completely receded while dewlaps under Mrs. Ellis' arms tightened and didn't wobble so much.

Cautiously, Ellis worked with a local M.D., Dr. Clyde Hailey, to test other patients and discovered his creation eradicated cancer even in advanced stages as well as the mumps. In addition, the wonder drug mitigated, but would not eliminate, Plantars warts.

Despite CDC and FDA announcing total government approval, Ellis remains unknown and his discovery ignored by almost every major media outlet in the United States due to a conflict with the wedding of Prince William and Catherine Middleton. "Okay, so the guy did something big," said an NBC spokesman requesting anonymity. "But his discovery has nothing to do with the royals. Maybe if this Ellis lived in London we could've gotten a reaction to Catherine's dress. Then, if there were time, he could plug his medicine. But otherwise, how is it news?" (Image: The Rag Blog)

Biden Staff Claim Reporter Asked to Be Imprisoned in Closet

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Staff members of Vice-President Joe Biden have come out swinging after news surfaced that they'd confined a reporter at a fund-raiser to keep him from interviewing high-profile guests. "We would never keep anyone imprisoned, in a closet or a dungeon or anywhere, unless they specifically asked for such treatment," said Marty Fulmer, long-time Biden aide. According to Orlando Sentinel reporter Scott Powers, he was sent to the home of Democratic billionaire Alan Ginsberg in Winter Park, Florida to cover a Biden fund raising speech for Democratic Senator Bill Nelson.

But the Vice-President's staff didn't fancy Powers interviewing any of the 150 guests who'd paid $500 apiece. So Powers was placed in a closet with a staffer standing guard outside. However Fulmer contradicted Powers' account, "To the best of my knowledge, Powers requested to be kept in a closet with a guard outside because he was dizzy. Don't make a big thing out of this. It's not like the Vice-President's motorcade killed another person."

Powers claims to have been released to cover the Vice-President's speech, then re-closeted while the guests departed. Another Biden staffer, Georgia Lanning, tried to place the matter in perspective. "You have to understand that staff members are regularly called upon to secure the Vice-President in a locked room especially when he forgets to take his anti-lunacy medicine. It's just routine."

But Marty Fulmer remained angry. "'Let's say, for example, we really did keep a reporter in a closet with a guard outside. It's not like we're Dick Cheney's staff. So how can it be wrong, let alone news?"
(Image: Drudge Report)

Thomas L. Friedman Adopted by Chinese Family

ASKS TO BE CALLED 'PENG'
NEW YORK CITY, NY - Rumors have been confirmed that Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist Thomas L. Friedman—at his own request—was adopted by a Chinese family. And while the New York Times refused comment, Garrett Yao, owner of Manhattan's Jade City Restaurant, stated he signed notarized documents naming Friedman, or 'Peng' as one of his [Yao's] sons. A strong believer in Chinese authoritarianism, Friedman/Peng has already bound his feet and is attempting to grow a long pigtail. Yao stated, "I tell Peng, 'Don't tie up feet. That for woman in old days. Besides, you have big man feet. But he wants to be Chinese like in The Good Earth."

CHOP-CHOP USA
A noted Chinaphile, Peng has written several columns praising the Chinese Communist government for its ability to force thousands of people from their homes in order to build Olympic structures. Peng shared his beliefs in New York's Chinatown while pulling tourists around in a rickshaw. According to Peng, "China's liberation from cumbersome governmental restraint is the foundation for a clean green future that will see wind-powered family-planning clinics and vehicles that run on ground-up Tibetan monks." Peng ignored tourist complaints that strolling pedestrians were moving faster. "My feet are bound," he snapped at one point. "What do you know of our culture, big-nose barbarians?"
THE PRICE OF CHINANESS
At their destination, the tourists paid Peng for the rickshaw ride but withheld a gratuity.  An angry Peng cursed the couple as they walked quickly away. "How dare you stiff a Son of Heaven? I was born under the sign of the Snake, sensual and prudent, but I can be suffocating. Turn around, you Iowa fatties! If this were China, I'd have you thrown in a camp for the next 15 fifteen years, making flashlights and eating field mice." Peng exhaled in disgust, removing a wide, straw coolie hat and fanning himself. "I'd better get over to the restaurant. Dad wants me to iron napkins this afternoon. If I don't, he'll kill me...which is fantastic. That's how you run a railroad."(Image: Wickipedia)

Ezra Klein's Constitutional Essay

Iowahawk has a copy.

FCC To Apply Semaphore Rules to Web

WASHINGTON, D.C.  -  In what is expected to be a ground-breaking vote today, the Federal Communications Commission has announced they will regulate the Internet using a 19th century law designed to control the improper use of semaphore flags. "We have the authority," said FCC chairman Julius Genachowski. "By law, all regulatory oversight from the Semaphore and Balloon Decency Act of 1889 reverted to the FCC upon its founding [in 1934]." Believed to have the three votes necessary for approval, Genachowski explained that the new regulations will somehow act as a brake on predatory wireless companies in a way not yet known. Observers were puzzled by the FCC inclusion of an 1889 law originally passed to curb the sending of adult messages across state lines by means of flags, rods, paddles or disks. Said Genachowski: "In the run-up to today's vote there were a lot of compromises and deals with Verizon and AT&T. We [the FCC] ended up granting various loopholes and exemptions. Frankly, I don't even understand what we're doing anymore. So when someone suggested we use the semaphore law, I said 'Is everyone onboard?' They were and so we did."

We Are the Boat

Sincere, caring activists make a video.

Latma via Newsbusters

For Prophet Art

A skilled staff artist, working dozens of seconds, crafted this depiction of Mohammad. I'm not sure, but I think he's wearing a very large turban or a bean bag chair.

Haiti Tops Nashville in Disaster Derby

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a survey of 200 Hollywood and media figures conducted after last week's White House Correspondent's Dinner, Haiti topped Nashville as "Coolest Disaster" 59% to 19% with 2% undecided. A CBS reporter, who asked not to be named, said Nashville fell into a narrative gap. "I don't know. Nashville. Who cares? But Memphis would be a different story because of the Graceland angle." Justin Bieber's accountant was more direct, "Nashville lacks Third World Charm. They don't have anything sexy like voodoo or zombies, just country music." The remaining votes were split among runner-ups Venezuela, Mexico, and The Green Zone.

Newsweek Purchased by Bondage Magazine

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Struggling Newsweek has been bought by adult publication Bondage Weekly for an undisclosed sum. BW publisher Sid Shacklesworth intends taking the 70-year old news magazine in a new direction. "From now on, we'll be doing stories on people who are tied up and liking it. Maybe we'll keep some of the fruity opinion stuff for branding or something." Newsweek editor Jon Meacham blamed the magazine's demise on an accelerated newscycle, a failed redesign and a sea of red ink. "You can't lose money forever. But we sure tried." Changing the publication's name to Newsstrap, Shacklesworth asked Meacham to appear on the first cover trussed up in leather belts with a rubber ball in his mouth. "We thought it might be a fun way to transition." Meacham declined, deeply involved in his new job as editor of Farm Journal. "I wanted to put Obama on the cover, but the publisher said I had to use soy beans. That's journalism for you."

Friday is Everybody Imagine Mohammed Day

FROM THE EDITOR - For anyone skittish about the upcoming Everybody Draw Mohammed Day on May 20, INI will be instituting a safe alternative. This Friday, April 30, we invite everyone to imagine what the Prophet Mohammed looks like. Do you see him as a bear of a man with hair on his triceps? Or is he a little fellow, fierce in battle, but with tiny hands and feet? Are his trousers flowing and voluminous, large enough to hide a lamb shank? Might his turban be cocked at a rakish angle like Bob Crane's hat in Hogan's Heroes? You decide. After all, its your imagination. For those still worried about possible offense, we have consulted a Koranic scholar who has assured us of three things:

1. There are many violent threats in the Koran.
2. None of them involves imagining what Mohammed looks like.
3. There is a Koranic verse that says, "Hast thou not seen how thy Lord dealt with the owners of the elephant?" Our scholar isn't sure what that means, but he is fairly certain the owners of the elephant weren't imaging what Mohammed looked like.

So set aside some time Friday, sit back, and mentally craft the Mohammed you've always wanted to view. No rush, but stop by 8:00 PM Pacific Time. We are contacting a number of Hollywood psychics who will surf the sea of mental images and select the top three.

So good luck and happy imagining!

--Ling Carter, Editor-in-Chief

'South Park' Offices Moved to Mountain Fortress

HOLLYWOOD, CA - In the wake of death threats to the creators of South Park, Comedy Central has moved the show's offices to a mountain fortress in the Sierra Nevadas. "This relocation was scheduled some time ago," said Comedy Central spokesman Baxter Loren. "And has nothing to do with a recent episode depicting a certain religious figure in a bear costume. A figure whom, I might add, founded a religion of peace." Purchased from the Air Force in the late 90s, the mountain fortress has been used to store computer tapes and old puppets. Now it will house South Park as part of corporate cost-cutting measures. Said Loren, "Office space is very expensive in Los Angeles. And while employees may incur some out-of-pocket cost commuting several hundred miles a day, Comedy Central owns the fortress so we don't have to amortize rent. Also, the move has nothing to do with a recent episode involving the founder of a peaceful faith and some vague threats by his followers to behead Trey Parker and Matt Stone [South Park creators]. I stand behind Trey and Matt a thousand percent even though I hardly know them, don't agree with their humor, and certainly don't condone anything that might incite a man-caused disaster."

Olbermann Ratings Top Volcano Cam

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Delighted MSNBC executives celebrated as talker Keith Olbermann's Countdown show outdrew a video camera showing images of the Iceland volcano. "Viewers wanted something hotter and that was Keith," crowed MSNBC assistant VP David Tinnear. The volcano video is being aired on rival CNN. Still smarting from a recent beat-down at the hands of the Circus News Channel, CNN has been described by insiders as 'free-falling' as they scramble for shrinking audience share. Said one anonymous source, "At this point, putting up a volcano 24/7 wasn't hurting us. In fact, we picked up Lava Soap as an advertiser. Hopefully, viewers will return to CNN now that we're willing to try anything." As for MSNBC, Tinnear says they may expand Countdown to 4 hours a night, Monday through Friday. "You reinforce success. Clearly, people are choosing Keith over other non-Fox cable options."

INI Interviewed

At this place.

Tea Party Devours Minorities, Litters

PASADENA, CA - Credible reports have surfaced that Tea Party members have cooked and eaten minorities, then thrown their bones across a public park in defiance of anti-littering ordinances. Sources close to MSNBC state the incidents took place at a recent Tea Party gathering at Brookside Park. Minorities were taken from cages, then roasted on spits or boiled in big pots. Said a close friend of Keith Olbermann, "Keith saw it all in a dream. It was horrible. The cook was dressed up like Glenn Beck. Keith clearly heard him say, 'Man, do I lust after the flesh of those most-at-risk.' According to the source, the victims' bones were later tossed on the grass despite the presence of clearly marked trash containers as well as posted signs forbidding litter. State Democratic Party spokesman Bailey Mullhouse promised an investigation. "We suspected things like this were happening at tea bagger parties. But to have it confirmed by a hard-nosed, sceptical media outlet just goes to prove you can't make this stuff up."

When Protest Was Cool

Evan Coyne Maloney archives the days of dissent when words were calm, rational and designed to facilitate dialogue, leaving the MSM nothing to report on.

brain terminal via Ace of Spades

Circus News Channel Outdraws CNN

LAS VEGAS, NV - Prime-time CNN hosts continue to shed viewers as they lost audience to the Circus News Channel for the first time in network history. Even with healthcare expansion and Haiti coverage, CNN was solidly outdrawn, despite CNC's narrow focus on events of interest to the circus community. Larry King took the biggest hit, plummeting 52 percent in March from 2009, losing in the ratings 26 times to Big Top Headlines at 9 with Walleye the Clown. Even powerhouse CNN anchor Anderson Cooper sustained a beating, losing 46 percent of the key 25 -to-54-year-old demographic to Around the Ring, a panel show of ringmasters, lion tamers and acrobats discussing recent changes in circus law. Said one CNN executive, "There's nothing wrong with our model. We're not changing a thing." However CNN sources confirm that Campbell Brown's 8 p.m. slot has been given to CNC's Hot-Mouth Mike, current host of All Things Sideshow and a noted fire eater capable of projecting flame over 18 feet. Mike's agent wouldn't confirm the move, but did report that CNC's Harney the Geek had been rejected as a host by CNN as being "too similar to Rick Sanchez."

New Documentary Shows Fish Eating Each Other

HONOLULU, HI - A new Discovery Channel program probes beneath the waves, revealing the non-intricacies of undersea life. "Yum Yum Ocean basically shows how fish eat each other 24/7," said Discovery executive Sandra Timms. Narrated by Morgan Freeman and using beautiful underwater cinematography, 'Ocean' is a ten-hour series built around fish and aquatic mammals eating each other, having sex, then eating the new-born. The young that escape eventually grow up to eat other fish or be eaten themselves. "Few things in nature die of old age," said Timms. "Maybe that's what we're trying to say in ten hours."

Print Media Fail Threatens Recluse Americans

Our underserved, overcluttered citizens face radical change.

How Will The End Of Print Journalism Affect Old Loons Who Hoard Newspapers?
h/t: The Onion via Viral Footage

Conde Nast Debuts 'Depression Magazine, Baby'

NEW YORK CITY, NY - In a sign of the times, publishing giant Conde Nast has rolled out Depression Magazine, Baby. Printed on glossy paper, this monthly hopes to cash in on what-is-being-called '30s Chic.' "Our magazine says the economy stinks, but keep that sassy attitude," said 'Depression' editor-in-chief Virginia Crater-Leek. "Our first issue showcases the latest fashions woven from a potato sack, includes tips on how to decorate a boxcar or storage facility, and offers recipes for cooking cats garnished with grass from a median strip." Crater-Leek admitted that people without jobs or money probably aren't going to purchase a magazine about people without jobs or money. "Our target audience is aimed at young, single media and government employees in Manhattan and Washington, D.C. who want to empathize with the unemployed without feeling guilty. So we're giving them Depression Magazine, Baby. Honestly, we're all in this together."

Polanski Wins at Berlin for 'Ghost Molester'

BERLIN, GERMANY - Roman Polanski has won best director at the Berlin Film Festival for his film, Ghost Molester, a saga about a filmmaker who discovers he has the power to sexually molest young female spirits. "I don't know what made me think of the subject matter," said Polanski by phone from Switzerland. In the film, the protagonist is harassed by supernatural entities who object to his predatory actions. Forced to flee his home in Los Angeles, the protagonist takes refuge in a haunted Swiss chalet. Showered with rewards for his work throughout Europe, the filmmaker spends his days forcibly sodomizing a teenage girl spirit. "I suppose it is a bit autobiographical," laughed Polanski. "But the beauty of my idea is that there is no law against raping a ghost. In fact, if you're a successful filmmaker, there's no law against rape in the artistic community. Certainly no stigma. Too bad I can't return to LA and be tried by film festival judges. I'd be set free and handed a 13-year-old cheerleader. But that's show biz."