NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK - Celebrity blogger Perez Hilton has authored a new children's book about a young boy filled with helium. According to Hilton, its a story about the unpleasant consequences of non-acceptance. A young boy stuffed full of helium wants attention so he draws crude, disgusting pictures of his classmates with male sexual organs sticking out their mouths and butts or cocaine smeared around their lips. When the kids complain, the little boy erupts in rage and calls them 'heliumphobic'—a bad word that means 'abnormally afraid of helium.' The Little Helium Boy also investigates their allowances to discover how much and who pays each kid every week. Eventually, the Little Helium Boy floats off into the sky where he draws male sexual organs sprouting from the mouths and butts of birds.
Aimed at ages 4 through 8, The Little Helium Boy contains blunt sexual images as well as simulated drawings of narcotics and a very graphic pop-up section.
Showing posts with label American Letters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label American Letters. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Poets Inspired by 111th Congress
PITTSBURGH, PA - Awed by the output of the most productive lame-duck Congress since the 1960s, the nation's poets have responded with a variety of works praising the federal legislature. "People think we mostly write about love and trees, " said Audrey Corrigan, a local poet who sidelines as a barista. "But great deeds call forth great verse. In fact, I think those very words are from a poem, but I can't remember." While serving lattes, Corrigan recited several lines from a work-in-progress praising Harry Reid:
Ravine Face,
Desert Man,
Yes, We Can
Fund Ethanol.
Other poets felt called to celebrate the leadership of former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. Garner Zane, a high school English teacher, recently penned an ode while on suspension for damaging school property with a trench shovel. In part, Zane's work read:
Funny wide face,
Lips like ruby fish,
Old and Crazy,
But You Passed the Food Safety Modernization Act,
Now pass the gravy!
Or I'll hit you with a trench shovel!
Ha, ha, just kidding.
In a way.
Not all poems hailed legislative achievements. Poet Jules Tarponski wept bitterly when he heard Alan Grayson had lost his reelection bid in Florida. A Service Employees International Union official in Orlando, Tarponski found time to write about the former congressman in-between greyhound races:
Big and loud,
Like a thunder cloud,
How much cash,
Did we pump up your ass?
And you still lost,
Like every stinking dog I've bet on today.
Ravine Face,
Desert Man,
Yes, We Can
Fund Ethanol.
Other poets felt called to celebrate the leadership of former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. Garner Zane, a high school English teacher, recently penned an ode while on suspension for damaging school property with a trench shovel. In part, Zane's work read:
Funny wide face,
Lips like ruby fish,
Old and Crazy,
But You Passed the Food Safety Modernization Act,
Now pass the gravy!
Or I'll hit you with a trench shovel!
Ha, ha, just kidding.
In a way.
Not all poems hailed legislative achievements. Poet Jules Tarponski wept bitterly when he heard Alan Grayson had lost his reelection bid in Florida. A Service Employees International Union official in Orlando, Tarponski found time to write about the former congressman in-between greyhound races:
Big and loud,
Like a thunder cloud,
How much cash,
Did we pump up your ass?
And you still lost,
Like every stinking dog I've bet on today.
Labels:
American Letters
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Robotic Christmas
Seasonal poetry garnished with politics from Mind Numbed Robot.
Labels:
American Letters
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Print Media Fail Threatens Recluse Americans
Our underserved, overcluttered citizens face radical change.
How Will The End Of Print Journalism Affect Old Loons Who Hoard Newspapers?
h/t: The Onion via Viral Footage
How Will The End Of Print Journalism Affect Old Loons Who Hoard Newspapers?
h/t: The Onion via Viral Footage
Labels:
American Letters,
Business,
Media
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Conde Nast Debuts 'Depression Magazine, Baby'
NEW YORK CITY, NY - In a sign of the times, publishing giant Conde Nast has rolled out Depression Magazine, Baby. Printed on glossy paper, this monthly hopes to cash in on what-is-being-called '30s Chic.' "Our magazine says the economy stinks, but keep that sassy attitude," said 'Depression' editor-in-chief Virginia Crater-Leek. "Our first issue showcases the latest fashions woven from a potato sack, includes tips on how to decorate a boxcar or storage facility, and offers recipes for cooking cats garnished with grass from a median strip." Crater-Leek admitted that people without jobs or money probably aren't going to purchase a magazine about people without jobs or money. "Our target audience is aimed at young, single media and government employees in Manhattan and Washington, D.C. who want to empathize with the unemployed without feeling guilty. So we're giving them Depression Magazine, Baby. Honestly, we're all in this together."
Labels:
American Letters,
Business,
Media
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Excerpt from Amy Bishop's Novel
HUNTSVILLE, AL - INI has obtained an excerpt from scientist/shooter Amy Bishop's unpublished novel Jerkville, about a scientist named Andrea Bissop who conducts important research vital to humanity while set upon by annoying jerks, maliciously denying her needs.
Chapter Four: A Hush Over Macy's
"I was wondering if you have this pattern in more of an azure?"
Andrea fidgeted in irritation as the clerk checked a pattern book. Didn't this woman know she was Professor Andrea Bissop? Finally, after several seconds that felt like hours to Andrea, that clerk closed the book. "I'm so sorry, but this line of towels only comes in one color."
Frustrated, Andrea pulled out a Glock .40 from her oversized handbag, racked the slide, and double-tapped the surprised clerk. With a pair of vertical holes in her forehead, the clerk crumbled to the floor like a dropped napkin. "I need azure," screamed Andrea. The spent brass struck the department store floor with a metallic 'ting.' "Nothing else matches the tile, you stupid slab of meat! I hope they teach you color scheme in Hell, just before they stuff your fat head in a bucket of shit forever!"
A quiet fell over Macy's. There were muffled screams and 9-11 cell phone calls as Andrea made her way to the exit, pausing only to inspect a soap dish shaped like a sleeping cat. Cute. It never ended: incompetence, annoying bug-like people, defiance. One did what one could.
Out on the sidewalk, two cops jumped from a patrol car, pistols leveled at Andrea. "Drop your handbag and eat sidewalk, bitch!" shouted the younger cop. His older partner looked carefully at Andrea, "Are you Professor Andrea Bissop?"
"That's correct. Is there a problem?"
"No, ma'am," said the older cop, motioning her partner to lower his weapon. "Someone defy you in Macy's?"
"A clerk. I handled it. Will there be anything else?"
"We're not letting her go?" said the younger man. His partner chuckled. "You got a lot to learn, kid. That's Professor Andrea Bissop. She does important scientific work, sorta like Ted Kaczynski. Plus she voted for President Obama, so you know she's not just smart, but real smart. Smart people got a different morality from regular folks. They see things from so many different angles that it's wrong to judge them by our crude, untutored lights. If they want to shoot people, even family members, then its probably for a real good reason. A smart reason."
Andrea smiled at the young cop's confusion as he lowered his pistol. He'd learned a valuable lesson today. Just as her boss at the lab would soon learn a valuable lesson about performance reviews. Smiling at the older cop, Andrea asked, "Officer? Do you know if there's a hardware store close-by? I have to buy a gross of nails and a pound of rat poison."
Chapter Four: A Hush Over Macy's
"I was wondering if you have this pattern in more of an azure?"
Andrea fidgeted in irritation as the clerk checked a pattern book. Didn't this woman know she was Professor Andrea Bissop? Finally, after several seconds that felt like hours to Andrea, that clerk closed the book. "I'm so sorry, but this line of towels only comes in one color."
Frustrated, Andrea pulled out a Glock .40 from her oversized handbag, racked the slide, and double-tapped the surprised clerk. With a pair of vertical holes in her forehead, the clerk crumbled to the floor like a dropped napkin. "I need azure," screamed Andrea. The spent brass struck the department store floor with a metallic 'ting.' "Nothing else matches the tile, you stupid slab of meat! I hope they teach you color scheme in Hell, just before they stuff your fat head in a bucket of shit forever!"
A quiet fell over Macy's. There were muffled screams and 9-11 cell phone calls as Andrea made her way to the exit, pausing only to inspect a soap dish shaped like a sleeping cat. Cute. It never ended: incompetence, annoying bug-like people, defiance. One did what one could.
Out on the sidewalk, two cops jumped from a patrol car, pistols leveled at Andrea. "Drop your handbag and eat sidewalk, bitch!" shouted the younger cop. His older partner looked carefully at Andrea, "Are you Professor Andrea Bissop?"
"That's correct. Is there a problem?"
"No, ma'am," said the older cop, motioning her partner to lower his weapon. "Someone defy you in Macy's?"
"A clerk. I handled it. Will there be anything else?"
"We're not letting her go?" said the younger man. His partner chuckled. "You got a lot to learn, kid. That's Professor Andrea Bissop. She does important scientific work, sorta like Ted Kaczynski. Plus she voted for President Obama, so you know she's not just smart, but real smart. Smart people got a different morality from regular folks. They see things from so many different angles that it's wrong to judge them by our crude, untutored lights. If they want to shoot people, even family members, then its probably for a real good reason. A smart reason."
Andrea smiled at the young cop's confusion as he lowered his pistol. He'd learned a valuable lesson today. Just as her boss at the lab would soon learn a valuable lesson about performance reviews. Smiling at the older cop, Andrea asked, "Officer? Do you know if there's a hardware store close-by? I have to buy a gross of nails and a pound of rat poison."
Labels:
American Letters,
Crime
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Archie and Jughead Tangle with Tea Parties
MAMARONECK, NY - Archie Andrews and Jughead Jones will clash with Tea Parties in an upcoming issue of the long-running Archie comic book series. Said writer Dylan Kraw, "We wanted something that would threaten Riverdale High. And would could be more threatening than a non-union mob?" In Kraw's story, "Tea Bag For Two," a Reggie Mantle prank backfires after he suggests a Tea Party group demand Riverdale eliminate all science classes and use the money to form a rifle club. When the howling throng arrives, Mr. Weatherbee blames Archie, who is sent to detention. Meanwhile, Miss Grundy tells the crowd they are protesting against their own interests. She states that a large government with a big heart run by caring concerned politicians such as Barney Frank will, in fact, improve their lives, if they'll only stay out of the way. The mob beats Miss Grundy with a sign reading, 'Obama Marksist.' Jughead sneaks Archie out of detention. Along with Betty, Veronica, and Moose Mason, they lure the Tea Party away from the high school by telling them Sarah Palin is waiting to speak at the bottom of a nearby quarry. Quickly, the kids string barbed wire around the quarry, imprisoning the mob in an improvised 'haters camp.' Later, over sodas at the Chok'lit Shoppe, the gang listen as Archie wonders why simple people reject progressive solutions that have turned Greece and Venezuela into equitable, just, social wonderlands? Pop Tate interrupts to say, 'Remember what our president said about bitter people clinging to guns and God.' Jughead then quips, 'I'd like to cling to a couple more hot dogs with fries.' The gang all laugh in the final panel. Said Kraw, "People need to relax. We're just having a little fun here. It's not like we're mocking ACORN. That would be hurtful and wrong."
Labels:
American Letters,
Art,
Politics,
Popular Culture
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Cameron to Tackle 'Children's Hour' in 3-D
HOLLYWOOD, CA - On the heels of his uber-successful film Avatar, director James Cameron plans a controversial big-budget remake of The Children's Hour using 3-D technology. "The studio was a little hesitant," said Cameron associate Dean Thomas. "I mean, 'Children's Hour' is a famous play by Lillian Hellman and not really 3-D subject matter. But let's face it, no one can 'no' to Jimmy right now." Cameron is having a huge, performance capture stage built that will serve as the all-girl boarding school. Casting is still in the works, but actresses portraying accused lesbian teachers Karen Wright and Martha Dobie will wear leotard-like motion capture suits. Said Thomas, "Jimmy wants to have stereoscopic cameras zooming in on the teachers from every angle, especially after they learn of Mary Tilford's lies." Using a mixture of CGI and live-action photography, Cameron hopes to create an illusion of depth that will heighten Martha's climatic suicide. According to Thomas, "When Martha shoots herself, the audience is gonna feel like they got a face-full of brains." No release date has been set as executives desperately hope the Cameron magic continues. "Jimmy's not stopping for anybody," mused Thomas. "In fact, if 'Children's Hour' pulls in big box office, he might try A Doll's House. But one thing at a time."
Labels:
American Letters,
Art,
Hollywood,
Technology
Sunday, January 10, 2010
NEA Envies North Korean Poets
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Jealous officials of the National Endowment for the Arts are seething over the ability of North Korean poets to align their art with political goals. "We're miles behind when it comes to supporting health care reform," said chairman Rocco Landesman. "Meanwhile, North Korean poets are ordered to write in support of light industry and agriculture. Before you know it, they've turned out verses like 'smelter's heart is seething with enthusiasm like molten iron.' Wow. And where are we? Forced to pretend we aren't socks on the administration's hands. Pretending can be so cruel. I'm going to endow myself." (Read more on Nork verse here.)
(Photo: music.umich.edu)
(Photo: music.umich.edu)
Labels:
American Letters,
Art,
Foreign Affairs,
Government 2010
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Stephen King Crafts New Villain: A Crazed Christian
BANGOR, ME - In his latest novel, Under the Dome, Stephen King has sought a change of pace, depicting a major antagonist as a violent, unhinged Christian. What prompted this departure from King, who has shown a preference for negatively portraying radical activists, authors, communists, and Islamic fascists? "After thirty years, Stephen decided to leave his comfort zone," said Simon & Schuster spokesperson Miriam Kale-Edwards. "He wanted to break new ground and create a Christian character who was loony and hypocritical." Kale-Edwards hopes introducing an untried element draws in first-time readers."King fans may be a little disappointed at not seeing their favorite targets skewered, but we're hoping new audiences give the book a read, especially since Stephen includes a positive Christian character who is merely stupid and easily duped." 'Dome' releases November 10 in hardcover and Kale-Edwards hopes King's literary experiments continue. "Who knows? One day he might write a novel under two-thousand pages and not set it in Maine." (Photo: bookpage.wordpress.com)
Labels:
American Letters,
Business,
Popular Culture
Friday, October 16, 2009
Book Review: 'The Thistle In My Father's Pants'
(INI recently interviewed author Wembly Totter, Professor of English at San Francisco State University, recipient of Ford and MacArthur Foundation grants, and whose latest novel, The Thistle In My Father's Pants, has received the prestigious Gretchen Hyde Award for Most Incomprehensible Literature.)
INI: What is 'Thistle' about?
TOTTER: Everything important: family, global warming, being invited to parties where people say words like 'verisimilitude' and 'parameters.'
INI: Why didn't the protagonist, Thom Cakery, stop his grandfather from drinking Sterno then jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge onto a whale watching cruise?
TOTTER: Because he lacked self-esteem . . . and they were out of Crown Royal.
INI: Thom is clearly in love with Ginger Limekiln. And yet he accuses her of eating seal meat and gets her expelled from Greenpeace.
TOTTER: Ginger was politically aware and knew defending herself against a false charge would only give ammunition to the hate-filled. Tragic. I knew a county supervisor like that.
INI: He was falsely accused?
TOTTER: No, he ate seal meat; at work; keeping it in his desk where it leaked blubber over important departmental memos.
INI: The first eighteen pages of your book are mostly blank, containing only a single phrase: 'Be my chum.' Critics are divided on the meaning: some believe it indicts a racist-sexist power structure that forces meaning into literature, while others feel it's stupid, silly page filler. Any comment?
TOTTER: It was either a clever choice or a mistake. I forget.
INI: You dedicate the book to activist Crispin Fezleiter. Who is he?
TOTTER: Crispin taught me everything I know about literature. He said, 'Whatever slop you write, dedicate it to the planet. You'll get away with murder.' He was right.
(Photo: wendyusuallywanders...)
INI: What is 'Thistle' about?
TOTTER: Everything important: family, global warming, being invited to parties where people say words like 'verisimilitude' and 'parameters.'
INI: Why didn't the protagonist, Thom Cakery, stop his grandfather from drinking Sterno then jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge onto a whale watching cruise?
TOTTER: Because he lacked self-esteem . . . and they were out of Crown Royal.
INI: Thom is clearly in love with Ginger Limekiln. And yet he accuses her of eating seal meat and gets her expelled from Greenpeace.
TOTTER: Ginger was politically aware and knew defending herself against a false charge would only give ammunition to the hate-filled. Tragic. I knew a county supervisor like that.
INI: He was falsely accused?
TOTTER: No, he ate seal meat; at work; keeping it in his desk where it leaked blubber over important departmental memos.
INI: The first eighteen pages of your book are mostly blank, containing only a single phrase: 'Be my chum.' Critics are divided on the meaning: some believe it indicts a racist-sexist power structure that forces meaning into literature, while others feel it's stupid, silly page filler. Any comment?
TOTTER: It was either a clever choice or a mistake. I forget.
INI: You dedicate the book to activist Crispin Fezleiter. Who is he?
TOTTER: Crispin taught me everything I know about literature. He said, 'Whatever slop you write, dedicate it to the planet. You'll get away with murder.' He was right.
(Photo: wendyusuallywanders...)
Labels:
American Letters,
Business
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Maya Angelou: In The Beginning
(These poems (recently discovered by Froynlaven) are believed to be among Maya Angelou's earliest attempts at verse. Enjoy, weep, be.)
THE ROAD
Weeping mournfully I uttered nothing
Lips pursed in quiet silence trickled
The man in the hat
The man in the hat
Greeting muted passings on the long long road
Meaning
Meaning
Running clippingly as fresh baked yams mocked gleefully
Meaning
Meaning
Strong were the words of solitude
Anger at their mention
Hatred like a doo doo.
Meaning
Meaning
INTO NOTHING
Corn knows no other way
It cannot grab with fleshy paws
It cannot sing the song of the perennial
Corn knows no other way
Corn knows no other
Corn knows no
Corn knows
Corn
Cor
Co
C
Doo doo
HELVECTOR ENVONSO
June bug, crackerteeth and crow
Why?
He devised his own
Out of his own
June bug!
The long shadows weeping iridescent globules while their own voices shattered and rambled but un-noisily, un-willingly, un-applogetically, un-to and un-der the OTHERS who themselves sat lazily and doo doo.
h/t: Froynlaven
h/t: Froynlaven
Labels:
American Letters
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