Suck It Up, Buttercup

Doing the right thing doesn't automatically render rosy results. Doing the right thing often brings tears and brokenness, but is it not brokenness that also often brings the healing so desperately desired? I mentioned God using golden thread to stitch my broken pieces back together, but I didn't mention that the stitching hurts too. Each careful stitch from His gentle hand requires the needle to pierce the broken pieces. Each piercing brings a stab of pain, but with each stabbing pain a stitch is completed and I am one stitch closer to being made whole. *sigh*

I had a short conversation with a friend this evening. Often, when I am worried about being alone, he offers words of encouragement to help me through. "You begin to enjoy the solitude," he once told me, and he was right. I made the effort to "fly solo" this fall and honestly enjoyed the retreat, yet there remain specific times I find the prospect of being without company frightening. It's not because I fear being alone, but because the occasion makes my heart hurt. "You can text me," he said, and I probably will, because he always makes me smile.

Pieces

One of the hardest things is knowing he's lonely too, and still standing my ground...

There are broken pieces inside of me that I am struggling to put back together. Rebuilding is hard. I miss having friends to hang out with and find that I don't know how to make that happen. I know what I'm supposed to do, but the doing feels overwhelming, and it feels like I haven't had a good hard laugh in a long time.

I took the picture from Pinterest. Broken pieces put back together in a new and beautiful order. It didn't happen overnight, and I'm sure they didn't put themselves back together. I am moving forward, I am okay, and God hasn't left me to do this alone. 

On Being Remarkable.

The only way to live a truly remarkable life is not to get everyone to notice you, but to leave noticeable marks of His love everywhere you go." -Ann Voskamp, The Broken Way

Her books are deep, challenging, and thought provoking and her words reach deep into my soul. I have to take them in slowly, almost methodically. This is another book I will read twice, just like I did "1000 Gifts," pencil in hand, mulling over and chewing each paragraph.

What does it mean to love sacrificially? To live broken and given and filled to overflowing?

I can't help but recall my days as a young mother... broke wide open in the birthing, releasing nourishment in the dark of night, and giving time, energy, and pieces of my heart every day, all day, for years upon years. They still take a piece of my heart each and every day. I would and have laid my life down for them. Once upon a time I couldn't imagine being able to love a second child the same as the first, but when the second child arrived and broke off another little piece of my heart, I found my love had not diminished. It had, rather, grown and continued to increase with each precious child. That's just how love is.

"Real love is in the really small gestures- the way your hands, your feet, move to speak your heart." -Ann

Photo credit goes to my good friend Michelle Milliman (That's my daughter and first grandson in the picture.)

Mulling It Over

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Same verse twice in a week again. When they show up in multiples, my ears perk up. The mug came from my friend Karen on Thursday evening, January 12, and the same verse was the subject in the next morning's devotional. (I still love when that happens.) And that's just random.

The subject of Monday night's CoDA meeting was "recovering (or maybe discovering) intimacy." I find it to be another recurring theme. Hadn't I just posted two quotes from the book I'm reading to my Facebook wall?

"The soul craves more than only communication, it seeks communion."
and
"The measure of your willingness to be given- is the measure of your capacity for communion." 

We all crave deep connection and it is sadly elusive. I've been mulling over the connections between honesty, vulnerability, authenticity, and now intimacy (or communion). They're all connected and all something God asks of us. Hard stuff.

If you can stand it, and because I've been known to look backward at old blogs, a third recurring theme- The Apostle Peter climbing out of the boat to walk to Jesus in the midst of the storm. I'm all too often afraid to get in the boat, and once I'm in I certainly don't want to rock it. But Peter did something absolutely incredible! He gets out of the boat to walk to Jesus on the water, in the dark, in the middle of a storm. Apparently he suddenly has second thoughts and takes his eyes off Jesus, and that is when he starts to go down, recomposes himself and cries out, "Lord, save me!"

Those are my mulling spices this week. Maybe I'll turn into a spicy cup of hot cider yet.

Reading a Book

It was a lazy day. I got up later than ever and took a long nap this afternoon. Might have had something to do with the shivers and aches that have slowly invaded my body the past few days. A bit of rest, a cup or two of hot tea, some ibuprofen, and a good book were on the agenda. The book after I noticed a package waiting for me on the back steps.

I put in an order for Ann Voskamp's "The Broken Way" a few days ago and today it arrived...

"The same hand that unwraps the firmaments of winging stars wraps liniments around the wounded heart; the One whose breath births galaxies into being births healing into the heart of the broken."

This is a book that will leave me thinking, because Ann has a way of stirring up the heart and mind with her words. She comes with unrivaled authenticity, and her honesty sheds new light and fresh perspective on old truths.

Six years ago I bought a different book that started me on a journey which still effects me today. I started counting gifts, little gifts and big gifts. Gifts God gives in everyday life. Gifts I'd forgotten to notice in the distraction of living. Gifts that tell me He has not forgotten me even though I too often forget to notice He is there. Maybe I need a new notebook as well...