Aretha Does Mariah

Here's a clip (from my long-lost blog love, Crunk and Disorderly) of Aretha Franklin doing a cover of Mariah Carey's "Touch My Body."



And here's another clip (courtesy of FourFour) in which the Queen of Soul offers a little commentary on the subject:

Get well soon, Bettie

This is a bummer:

LOS ANGELES (AP) — Bettie Page, a 1950s pinup known for her raven-haired bangs and saucy come-hither looks, was hospitalized in intensive care after suffering a heart attack, her agent said Friday.

"She's critically ill," Mark Roesler of the Curtis Management Group told The Associated Press.

He said the 85-year-old had the heart attack Tuesday and was hospitalized Friday in the Los Angeles area.

A family friend, Todd Mueller, said Page was in a coma. When asked to confirm, Roesler said, "I would not deny that," but he would not comment further on her condition.

Getting old sucks.

UPDATE, 12/11: Bettie Page passed away tonight at age 85.

(Image courtesy of Stencilry.org.)

The People of Burma to Kim Kardashian: "Thanks, but no thanks. We're totally serious."

I love when she goes into a whole soliloquy about how she wrote her "thesis" about Burma while checking out her ass in the mirror.





(Courtesy of WWTDD.)

Sunday Morning WTF

Heidi Montag was invited to the White House Correspondents gala. What?

The New Yorker drops knowledge about "The Hills"

Yeah, I've watched "The Hills" voluntarily. A girl sometimes needs some mindless entertainment. But I'll never forgive Lauren Conrad, she of the "sub-Old Navy" clothing line, for blowing off a summer in Paris so that she could spend time with her boyfriend. What? WHO DOES THAT?

Anyway. I love when high-brow publications offer up commentary about vapid pop-culture institutions. In this case, The New Yorker takes on "The Hills," and the author still can't figure out why this show is so hot.

I don’t know for sure what the appeal is, even though I have worked for nine years in the building identified in the show as Teen Vogue Headquarters and some wisdom should have rubbed off on me by now. But I’m still trying to figure out why teen-agers want their bra straps to show and how it came to pass that crooked hair parts are considered chic and not a pathetic sign that you didn’t have proper mothering. So I have plenty to think about as it is. The L.A. of this show has no edge or darkness to it, and perhaps it’s easy, and pleasant, for young girls to imagine being Lauren & Co. when they grow up. (Or at least to have their teeth, which are truly spectacular.) The show’s soundtrack is all pop songs, often as many as a dozen per episode, and they tend to be programmatically upbeat or emo, underlining the three overriding and broadly painted feelings of the characters: I’m so glad; I’m so sad; and I’m so confused. These characters are now in their twenties, but they still smell like Teen Spirit.

Heh.

(Photo credit: Illustration by Quickhoney, courtesy of The New Yorker.)

Bathing With Bierko: John Malkovich

Oh man. You gotta watch this. Interview show meets bath time.

Fucking fantastic.





Thanks to BYO for the link.

Our Lady of Perpetual Craziness

Britney Spears as hyper stylized, garden fairy nymph/Virgin Mary? Best piece of pop culture art. Ever.

Unfortunately, I don't know who the original artist is, so if you're out there reading this, mad props to you. One love.




(Courtesy of Perez Hilton. Don't judge!)

No Reservations

I met Anthony Bourdain Friday night. He was in Santa Cruz doing a book signing for his new book, "No Reservations: Around the World on an Empty Stomach," which is more of a travel book with photos.

Can I just say: I lovelovelove Anthony Bourdain. Not only is he an awesome chef and writer, but his TV show about traveling to exotic locations and eating their food teaches you about other cultures and traditions in a way that is insightful, entertaining and, most importantly, respectful.

Don't even get me started on how hot he is. I'm just saying.

I told him as such (about him being respectful, not about him being hot) when we had our conversation (I'll never wash my ear again!) --- I asked him if he had ever done a show in the Philippines (he hadn't) and, if not, that he really needed to to bring his perspective, because that fuckin' Andrew Zimmern guy totally blew it. Don't even get me started on Zimmern. For real.

Anyway, we (that would be my man, Bourdain, and I) went off on that for a minute, and then he asked me where he should go.

"Pampanga," I said. "The folks in that region are known for their cooking."

"Alright. Done," he said.

Please believe my heart just about exploded. Tony, if you're reading this, and you do a Philippines show, give your girl a shout out in the end credits, wouldja?


UPDATE 11/19: So I found out a bunch of lucky-ass San Franciscans got to sit around and have dinner with Bourdain the next night. How the fuck can I get in the loop on shit like this for next time? I would have absolutely wrangled the funds needed to be a part of this. Oh well. My heart is still a-flutter.


(Cross-posted on my other blog.)

Free At Last

So what's the first thing Paris Hilton did after getting out of jail?

Bitch went and got herself a weave.

I thought three weeks in prison made her eschew the ways of vapidity and move toward a life full of meaning and purpose?

Silly me!


/sarcasm

Brand Identity Overload

Donald Trump is now selling steak.

From Meat News (yes, "Meat News"):

Until now, Trump Steaks were only available at Donald Trump’s resort restaurants, but now these same steaks can be delivered to homes exclusively from The Sharper Image. Trump Steaks are made exclusively from corn-fed Angus stock—“The Butcher’s Breed” from the Midwest. Products are individually sealed, flash-frozen, packed in dry ice, and shipped in a distinctive black-and-gold Trump Steaks presentation box, according to a promo piece.

Somewhere out there, Richard Branson's getting jealous.

And I'm getting hungry.

(Photo lifted from Dethroner.)

Free Paris REDUX - Now I've seen it all

Paris Hilton supporters created a petition asking Gov. Schwarzenegger for leniency. Indulge me while I give you a little excerpt:

Paris Whitney Hilton is an American celebrity and socialite. She is an heiress to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, as well as to the real estate fortune of her father Richard Hilton. She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives.

[...]

As most of America now knows, Ms. Hilton was just charged in a Los Angeles court with DUI and sentenced to 45 days in Century Regional Detention Facility in California beginning on or before June 5, 2007.

We, the American public who support Paris, are shocked, dismayed and appalled by how Paris has been the person to be used as an example that Drunk Driving is wrong. We do not support drunk driving or DUI charges. Paris should have been sober. But she shouldn't go to jail, either.

Whatever, people! Yeah, Paris is such a victim. In her own words:

"I think I get in more trouble because of who I am," posits Paris. "The cops do it all the time. They'll just pull me over to hit on me. It's really annoying. They're [the cops] like, 'What's your phone number? Want to go out to dinner?'"

So NOT sympathetic to your cause, girlfriend.

UPDATE: In response to this absurdity, I just had to create a rebuttal petition. Read (and sign) it here.

Socialite in the Slammer

Let the "Free Paris" campaign begin!



I wonder if 45 days in the clink will teach girlfriend some maturity.

There aren't any "don't drop the soap" prison jokes for women, are there?

Basically, Miss Thang got arrested for violating her probation by driving on a suspended license. She claims to not have known about her license being suspended for 90 days, even though she signed a document saying just that:

[Paris] said that when an officer who stopped her in January made her sign a document stating her license was suspended, she thought he was mistaken and did not actually look at the document.

Poor girl. She probably thought the officer was asking for her autograph.

UPDATE 5/4: In this L.A. Times article, Hilton's attorney declared the verdict unfair, saying that Paris, whom he said was a person with "unique issues and needs" [apparently], was selectively prosecuted because of who she is.

Bitch, please. Nobody is above the law, especially socialites who are too stupid to take shit like this seriously.

Oh yeah, and Paris made the sign of the cross before hearing the verdict. What, all of a sudden she's religious? Heh.


(Photo credit: Damian Dovarganes/AP)

Do you have love for New York?

New York (Tiffany Pollard, above) dumped Tango (Patrick Hunter) to make way for another season of our favorite train wreck, "I Love New York" on VH1.

Look. They even put out a casting call on Craigslist. Keep it real, yo!

UPDATE 5/1: Word around the campfire is that New York and Crazy Mofo Sister Patterson aren't even related. Is nothing sacred out there in reality TV land?

Don't answer that.

(Props to A Socialite's Life for the info.)

Just in time for prom

As if you needed another reason to love Brooklyn:

Paris Hilton's naked "corpse" could provide an invaluable service to students preparing for prom this season.

An interactive Public Service Announcement featuring the graphic display of a tiara-wearing, autopsied Paris Hilton with removable innards is designed to warn teenagers of the hazards of underage drinking. The display also features Tinkerbell, Hilton's forlorn pet Chihuahua with matching tiara, and debuts in the trendy Williamsburg, Brooklyn neighborhood where prom-goers frequently dine, courtesy of Capla Kesting Fine Art.

"Campaign to Rescue Women of Youth" featuring "The Paris Hilton Autopsy" offers a cadaveric nude Paris Hilton, laid out with twisted body and opened abdominal cavity on a coroner's table, while her cell phone remains in her grip. The 'unglamorous' display which includes support material from anti-drunk driving organizations counters "the disturbingly glamorized trend of Hollywood's 'girls gone wild'," according to gallery director, David Kesting.

Paris Hilton, arrested for a DUI last year, previously released a marginally effective PSA concerning drunk driving. This latest PSA includes a website by Capla Kesting, which offers high school educators an icebreaker for discussing drunk driving's consequences. Students are encouraged to take the virtual field trip at http://www.ParisHiltonAutopsy.com to view the making of the "Paris Hilton Autopsy" and compete for prizes by writing Paris Hilton's obituary.

What's more is that this sculpture/PSA is interactive in that Paris' innards are removable, allowing aspiring prom queens to see the effects of drunken driving "from a coroner's perspective."

Art. Public Service Announcement. Social commentary on The Evil That is Paris. Writing contest. What more do you want?

Brilliant.

Courtesy of the same gallery that brought you the Crowning Britney.

(Photo credit: Capla Kesting Fine Art)

Q: Who's yo baby daddy?

A: Larry Birkhead.

Moving on ...

(Photo credit: AFP/Getty Images)

Joe Francis Goes Wild, Goes to Jail

Things aren't going so well for 'Girls Gone Wild' Founder Joe Francis:

A federal judge in Panama City, Fla., on Thursday ordered "Girls Gone Wild" founder Joe Francis jailed for contempt of court in a civil suit brought by seven young women who claimed the entrepreneur's film crews had placed them in sexually explicit situations.

Francis, the Santa Monica-based multimillionaire who has made a fortune selling risque videos of scantily clad coeds, was ordered by U.S. District Judge Richard Smoak to surrender to court by noon Thursday, but hadn't done so by mid-evening.

Francis told the Associated Press late Thursday that Smoak "had lost his mind."

"This judge has gone as far as to call me the devil and an evildoer," he said. "It is a case of a judge gone wild."

First of all, he should go to jail just for making that corny-ass remark.

Also, I'm not defending this scumbag by any means, but this lawsuit? These seven young women trying to sue Francis for the Girls Gone Wild film crew putting them in sexually explicit situations? Get real. You girls know damn well what GGW is all about. Come on, now.

Photo credit: Evan Agostini/Getty Images

For crying out loud.

I knew there was a reason why I rarely, if ever, watched anything on CBS. It's run by a bunch of morons. Check out this latest example:

The South Florida Sun-Sentinel obtained a letter from "Saturday Early Show" senior producer Michael Rosen to Broward Circuit Judge Larry Seidlin, who presided over the Anna Nicole Smith case. In the letter, Rosen expresses interest in having Seidlin join the "Saturday Early Show."

"I have been extremely impressed by your compassion in the Anna Nicole case and I would love to discuss with you the idea of being our judge on a new segment, `Morning Justice,'" wrote Rosen. "It would be a semi-regular segment in which you would resolve the ethical and legal questions of our viewers who send in the issues troubling them."

What the hell?

Giuliani: "I said FIJI water, bitches!"

Seeing as how I'm just a G-lister, I found it quite amusing that Giuliani has a rider:

In addition to his $100,000 speaking fee, the former mayor insists that he be shuttled to and from any event by a private plane — and not just any plane, mind you!

“Please note that the private aircraft MUST BE a Gulfstream IV or bigger,” notes the contract, referring to a $30 million jet that can clock 600 mph.

Once there, Hizzoner demands that he be met by “one sedan and one large SUV,” and booked into a hotel room “with a king-size bed, on an upper floor, with a balcony and view,” plus four more rooms on the same floor for his entourage.

And, oh, yeah, America’s Mayor doesn’t like “candid photo opportunities,” but he will stand for posed pictures provided they are taken in a room “with sufficient light” and “without direct, on-camera flash bulbs.”

Who does he think he is? J-Lo?


(Link courtesy of The Carpetbagger Report.)

Rock on.

Have a great weekend, everybody.

Who's the baby daddy?

I love a good train wreck as much as the next person, and not that I'm keeping score or anything, but here are the current front runners in what I like to call, "Who's the Baby Daddy?"

1. Howard K. Stern, lawyer/lover/"husband"/opportunist/looks like an old ex
2. Larry Birkhead
3. Anna Nicole's former bodyguard
4. Prince Fredric von Anhalt, Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband
5. Howard Marshall II's frozen sperm
   

Jesus H, who's next? I wouldn't be surprised if Don Rickles was next to step to the plate.