Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read revision 1.
Alright, I'm going to preface this one with my dilemma. On the last attempt, several people noted confusion at "the North Wind" being a person, whom I later refer to as North. They suggested I refer to her as a goddess, but she isn't, in my world. She is an Aspect of Nature, born of Gaea (Mother Nature) as part of herself to rule over the North Wind. She can blow into the world as the Wind, but she also has a human form. Without getting into too much detail, that's where my problem is.
I don't want to break the rhythm of the query by having to explain all that because it's kind of a mouthful. So, any help on that issue with the info above would be GREATLY appreciated, and please let me know if I've solved the other questions, as well. Thank you SO MUCH everyone, I know it's a doozy to have to do the same ones over and over but I really appreciate your help :) -L.T.
Here's my latest version:
An unknown enemy is trying to kill the North Wind’s mortal lover, Armin, and one day, they succeed.
A change comes over North with the loss of Armin. He was the shining star in the long dark of her existence. For the eons before him, she had been responsible, dutiful--- and lonely. Now she must choose between her duty and her happiness to try to reclaim him from the Underworld and find the person responsible for his death; even if it means disobeying the ruling of the Council of Gods. But before she can try to bring him back, she will have to unlock the mystery of his past, and the fate of the gods that lies in his hands, for Armin is the Determiner of his generation--- the one who decides if the gods stay on Earth, or go back to the Oblivion from which they came. If she fails at any of the trials before her, she just may lose him forever.
WIND FURY is a 90,000 word fantasy novel exploring a world on the edge of two destinies, and the mortals and immortals who will determine its course, explore their true abilities, and uphold their honor.
The completed manuscript is available at your request. This novel will stand alone, but I already have several ideas for sequels and related story canon in this world.
I thank you for your time and consideration.
Aug 21, 2009
Query "Stand-In" Revision 1
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent,
Kelly Jo Carter is the object of a killer’s twisted obsession. She is also a woman with a severe, yet well placed, mistrust of law enforcement. When she finds herself smack dab in the center of an investigation into the murders of several local women, she needs to decide if she can trust Detective John Broden and Special Agent Alex Darby. This time around, though, Kelly has an advantage because she has something that the lawmen want; the name of the serial killer they are hunting. Broden and Darby both realize that Kelly is no doubt the killer’s endgame so they want more than a name. They want to use Kelly as bait. Kelly is aware that she will never be safe until this particular man is off the streets, and in theory, Broden and Darby could help accomplish that. But, the last time she had sought the help of authorities where this prominent citizen was concerned, things had not gone well. Now, she fears that if she gives these new investigators the killer’s name, the entire matter will be covered up… again.
“Stand-In” is a completed 84,000-word commercial fiction thriller that will appeal to readers of John Sandford’s Prey Series as well as readers of Sandra Brown’s thrillers. “Stand-In” will be the first of at least three novels in this series; although, it is written in a way that it can stand-alone. I currently have no published works to cite, but I feel that “Stand-In” will change that.
I would be happy to send the entire manuscript or any portion of it for your review. Thank you for your time, I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Author
Dear Agent,
Kelly Jo Carter is the object of a killer’s twisted obsession. She is also a woman with a severe, yet well placed, mistrust of law enforcement. When she finds herself smack dab in the center of an investigation into the murders of several local women, she needs to decide if she can trust Detective John Broden and Special Agent Alex Darby. This time around, though, Kelly has an advantage because she has something that the lawmen want; the name of the serial killer they are hunting. Broden and Darby both realize that Kelly is no doubt the killer’s endgame so they want more than a name. They want to use Kelly as bait. Kelly is aware that she will never be safe until this particular man is off the streets, and in theory, Broden and Darby could help accomplish that. But, the last time she had sought the help of authorities where this prominent citizen was concerned, things had not gone well. Now, she fears that if she gives these new investigators the killer’s name, the entire matter will be covered up… again.
“Stand-In” is a completed 84,000-word commercial fiction thriller that will appeal to readers of John Sandford’s Prey Series as well as readers of Sandra Brown’s thrillers. “Stand-In” will be the first of at least three novels in this series; although, it is written in a way that it can stand-alone. I currently have no published works to cite, but I feel that “Stand-In” will change that.
I would be happy to send the entire manuscript or any portion of it for your review. Thank you for your time, I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Author
Aug 19, 2009
Query for WIND FURY, Revision #1
Click here to read the original query.
Someone is trying to kill the North Wind’s mortal lover, Armin. One day, they succeed.
Something changes in North with the loss of Armin. For eons, she has been responsible, dutiful--- and lonely. Now, she must choose between her duty, and her happiness, to reclaim the shining star in the long dark of her life and find the person responsible for his death, even if it means disobeying the other gods. But before she can try to bring him back, she will have to unlock the mystery of his past, and the fate of the rest of the gods that lies in his hands. If she fails at any of the trials before her, she just may lose him forever.
WIND FURY is a 90,000 word fantasy novel exploring a world on the edge of two destinies, and the mortals and immortals who will determine its course, explore their true abilities, and uphold their honor.
This is my first novel. I thank you for your time and consideration.
Someone is trying to kill the North Wind’s mortal lover, Armin. One day, they succeed.
Something changes in North with the loss of Armin. For eons, she has been responsible, dutiful--- and lonely. Now, she must choose between her duty, and her happiness, to reclaim the shining star in the long dark of her life and find the person responsible for his death, even if it means disobeying the other gods. But before she can try to bring him back, she will have to unlock the mystery of his past, and the fate of the rest of the gods that lies in his hands. If she fails at any of the trials before her, she just may lose him forever.
WIND FURY is a 90,000 word fantasy novel exploring a world on the edge of two destinies, and the mortals and immortals who will determine its course, explore their true abilities, and uphold their honor.
This is my first novel. I thank you for your time and consideration.
QUERY- RUDY TOOT-TOOT (Revised)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Hi Ms. Agent,
I appreciate the feedback you gave me regarding my earlier manuscript for RUDY TOOT-TOOT; there certainly is room for more. According to physics, gas expands to fit whatever size container it is in, so naturally the story grew from a short picture book to fill out the new 4,000-word chapter book manuscript ;-)
Rudy Toot-Toot, the gassy little boy who was born on a bean farm, wakes up one morning to find a list of chores left for him by Papa. One of the hired hands is sick and they need young Rudy to help out at the family Bean Market. Rudy's emissions keep slipping out as he completes each chore, sometimes expediting them (like when he wakes up all the Beanheads camped alongside the road), and sometimes prolonging them (like when his wind erases the Price Board). Eventually, Rudy's "gift" saves that day when the market bell breaks and he finds an alternate way to sound off for market close.
You had asked that I stay in touch. I hope you find the attached manuscript to be a marketable work that you would consider representing. In a world where WALTER THE FARTING DOG has earned his own movie, I think Rudy and his family can make a lot of noise!
Best regards,
Rick Daley
Lewis Center, OH
Phone Number
Email
Click here to read the first revision.
Hi Ms. Agent,
I appreciate the feedback you gave me regarding my earlier manuscript for RUDY TOOT-TOOT; there certainly is room for more. According to physics, gas expands to fit whatever size container it is in, so naturally the story grew from a short picture book to fill out the new 4,000-word chapter book manuscript ;-)
Rudy Toot-Toot, the gassy little boy who was born on a bean farm, wakes up one morning to find a list of chores left for him by Papa. One of the hired hands is sick and they need young Rudy to help out at the family Bean Market. Rudy's emissions keep slipping out as he completes each chore, sometimes expediting them (like when he wakes up all the Beanheads camped alongside the road), and sometimes prolonging them (like when his wind erases the Price Board). Eventually, Rudy's "gift" saves that day when the market bell breaks and he finds an alternate way to sound off for market close.
You had asked that I stay in touch. I hope you find the attached manuscript to be a marketable work that you would consider representing. In a world where WALTER THE FARTING DOG has earned his own movie, I think Rudy and his family can make a lot of noise!
Best regards,
Rick Daley
Lewis Center, OH
Phone Number
Aug 18, 2009
Query-The Eternal Link (Versions 6 and 7)
NOTE: There are two versions of the query in this post, the author would like feedback on which one you prefer.
Version 6 (I hope I got it right this time and didn't ruin it by putting in some voice.)
Sixteen-year-old Catalina returns to the 31st century after searching through the past for her mother to find pieces of that ancient time came back with her. Now she is stuck in a world where the magical past and the high-tech present are merging at an alarming rate…and it’s pretty much all her fault.
After discovering she is an eternal, Catalina puts her quest for the birth-mother she never knew on hold to fulfill her newfound duties as a keeper of time. But control of her swiftly growing magic lies just beyond her reach and she can’t to fix time alone. Instead, she seeks the aid of old eternal who just might be able to stop the time blend before an army of united dark magic and high-tech soldiers destroy everything in pursuit of her immortality.
Time is literally running out before the world erases completely, and Catalina must choose between holding onto her hopes of a life with her real mother or accept her responsibility to return time to its proper state. On the plus side, there will be no more laser guns pointed at her head or souls suckers poised at her door. But a restored timeline means nothing will be left of her Catalina’s friends, her mother, or the boy she has come to love but two-thousand year old memories.
The Eternal Link is a young adult fantasy novel completed at 80,000 words.
Version 7
After searching through the past for her mother, sixteen-year-old Catalina returns to the 31st century only to find pieces of that ancient time came back with her. Now she is stuck in a world where the magical past and the high-tech present are merging at an alarming rate…and it’s pretty much all her fault.
Catalina puts the quest for her birth-mother on hold to try and mend her mistake. But she can’t fix time alone. Instead, she seeks the aid of an old eternal who just might be able to stop the time blend before an army of united dark magic and high-tech soldiers destroy everything she cares about to get to her. Time is literally running out before the world erases completely, and Catalina must choose between holding onto her hopes of a life with her real mother or accept her responsibility to return time to its proper state. On the plus side, she’ll get rid of those instigating the hunt for her immortality. But a restored timeline means nothing will be left of Catalina’s friends, her mother, or the boy she has come to love but two-thousand year old memories.
The Eternal Link is a young adult fantasy novel completed at 80,000 words.
Version 6 (I hope I got it right this time and didn't ruin it by putting in some voice.)
Sixteen-year-old Catalina returns to the 31st century after searching through the past for her mother to find pieces of that ancient time came back with her. Now she is stuck in a world where the magical past and the high-tech present are merging at an alarming rate…and it’s pretty much all her fault.
After discovering she is an eternal, Catalina puts her quest for the birth-mother she never knew on hold to fulfill her newfound duties as a keeper of time. But control of her swiftly growing magic lies just beyond her reach and she can’t to fix time alone. Instead, she seeks the aid of old eternal who just might be able to stop the time blend before an army of united dark magic and high-tech soldiers destroy everything in pursuit of her immortality.
Time is literally running out before the world erases completely, and Catalina must choose between holding onto her hopes of a life with her real mother or accept her responsibility to return time to its proper state. On the plus side, there will be no more laser guns pointed at her head or souls suckers poised at her door. But a restored timeline means nothing will be left of her Catalina’s friends, her mother, or the boy she has come to love but two-thousand year old memories.
The Eternal Link is a young adult fantasy novel completed at 80,000 words.
Version 7
After searching through the past for her mother, sixteen-year-old Catalina returns to the 31st century only to find pieces of that ancient time came back with her. Now she is stuck in a world where the magical past and the high-tech present are merging at an alarming rate…and it’s pretty much all her fault.
Catalina puts the quest for her birth-mother on hold to try and mend her mistake. But she can’t fix time alone. Instead, she seeks the aid of an old eternal who just might be able to stop the time blend before an army of united dark magic and high-tech soldiers destroy everything she cares about to get to her. Time is literally running out before the world erases completely, and Catalina must choose between holding onto her hopes of a life with her real mother or accept her responsibility to return time to its proper state. On the plus side, she’ll get rid of those instigating the hunt for her immortality. But a restored timeline means nothing will be left of Catalina’s friends, her mother, or the boy she has come to love but two-thousand year old memories.
The Eternal Link is a young adult fantasy novel completed at 80,000 words.
Synopsis-The Eternal Link (Version 2)
Click here to read the most recent queries.
I worked on this a lot, so I hope it's better this time! (it's definitely a more manageable length) For reference The Eternal Link is an 80,000-word YA fantasy. Any help is appreciated!
It's 3031 CE in the city of Ulcadia. Fifteen-year old Catalina Cordova, late to class and feeling ill, rushes past the students popping in and out of transporters. Her heartbeat drums loudly in her head and she stops, half-leaning against the cool wall of the hallway. She feels a flush and, without warning, flames pour out from her eyes, turning the hall orange and sending students screaming. When her vision clears, her headache is gone and she remembers her best friend lying on the floor, her skin charred and ice leaking in a puddle below her.
Catalina doesn't know what happened, and neither does anyone else. Her adoptive parents yank her out of school, back to the decaying house she once called home. But her parents' mindless chants to Mother Nature won't bring back Catalina's friend, and she's worried fire might burst out of her again at any time. And ever since the accident Catalina’s been having more dreams-haunting dreams of a birthmother that fills her with images of love and acceptance. If anyone would have answers, it would be her birthmother.
While searching for her mother, Catalina is beckoned through a painting come to life with promises of answers in the world beyond its frame. She is thrust back thousands of years in time where she loses control of her fire in a battle with a demonic creature. Her fire burns the surrounding trees and sends a signal above the forest. From above, a flying stranger brings a soothing rain that sizzles against Catalina’s skin and, despite her protests; he rescues her.
When Catalina wakes up, she butts heads with her irritating, yet surprisingly intriguing savior, Darwin, who acts more like a boy than the man he is. But he leaves and Catalina is kidnapped by followers of a man, Valmont, who lusts after her power and the immortality that comes with it. She barely escapes with the help of Valmont’s jealous fiancé and washes up on a beach where an old wizard she almost recognizes finds her.
The familiar wizard, Warwick, exudes a strange sense of safety that is solidified when Catalina accidentally enters his mind. He knows her and, maybe, he knows her mother as well. Back at Warwick’s castle-home she bumps into Darwin. He kisses her then forces her back to where she started in 3031 CE just as her mother rushes to her. Catalina is fueled by anger from watching her mother slip away again and her powers grow. The trees see this and recognize the marks of an eternal, a keeper of time. But that’s just the problem…the trees SEE.
Awakened after thousands of years, the trees tell Catalina that as an eternal, it is her job to protect time. Due to a rift, at any given moment, pieces of the past come crashing into Catalina’s present. The trees urge her to seek the help of he who failed before her as an eternal: Warwick. But before he can help, Warwick’s powers must be restored by reuniting him with his true love.
Catalina follows clues from her vivid dreams that guide her through the ever-changing landscape affected by time jumps. They lead her to outwit the fairies in their labyrinth, across the mountains where demons roam, through the roots of elvin trees, and finally into the sea with a siren. Deep into the ocean, in a cottage untouchable by magic, Catalina finds Warwick’s love but on her way back, she is pulled into Valmont’s mind. Through his eyes, Catalina watches him raise an army of soul-sucking demons and high-tech armies alike. Through his body, Catalina feels the elation that wipes over him as he murders the people she cares about.
Catalina is driven by these images to fight Valmont herself. There is no time to wait for Warwick’s powers to strengthen. At the castle that popped up out of nowhere, Catalina finds not only Darwin waiting as pompous and handsome as ever, but also the woman she so desperately wanted to find: Her mother. With her mother by her side, Catalina and her army march forward into the great domed city of Ulcadia to fight Valmont head-on. In the midst of battle, Catalina meets Valmont and transports them both into the fourth dimension. The voices of those she loves swirl in her head and she gains the strength to annihilate Valmont. Instead, she leaves him in the fourth dimension to rot while she fights her way down into the stream of time.
Through Catalina, time slowly heals, but she realizes she will lose everything when it is restored to its proper state. She cries as she hangs like a puppet on a string while clinging to the image of her half-dissolved mother. Just when she makes the decision to sacrifice herself and become a human patch for time, a new force enters the fourth dimension. A powerful Warwick takes Catalina’s place and tells her she can either return to earth as the eternal or she can go with Mother Nature and be at peace. If she dies, a child will have to take her place. So, as Warwick fuses with time, Catalina spirals down to earth to be caught by none other than the boy behind the magic portrait, her painter, Darwin.
I worked on this a lot, so I hope it's better this time! (it's definitely a more manageable length) For reference The Eternal Link is an 80,000-word YA fantasy. Any help is appreciated!
It's 3031 CE in the city of Ulcadia. Fifteen-year old Catalina Cordova, late to class and feeling ill, rushes past the students popping in and out of transporters. Her heartbeat drums loudly in her head and she stops, half-leaning against the cool wall of the hallway. She feels a flush and, without warning, flames pour out from her eyes, turning the hall orange and sending students screaming. When her vision clears, her headache is gone and she remembers her best friend lying on the floor, her skin charred and ice leaking in a puddle below her.
Catalina doesn't know what happened, and neither does anyone else. Her adoptive parents yank her out of school, back to the decaying house she once called home. But her parents' mindless chants to Mother Nature won't bring back Catalina's friend, and she's worried fire might burst out of her again at any time. And ever since the accident Catalina’s been having more dreams-haunting dreams of a birthmother that fills her with images of love and acceptance. If anyone would have answers, it would be her birthmother.
While searching for her mother, Catalina is beckoned through a painting come to life with promises of answers in the world beyond its frame. She is thrust back thousands of years in time where she loses control of her fire in a battle with a demonic creature. Her fire burns the surrounding trees and sends a signal above the forest. From above, a flying stranger brings a soothing rain that sizzles against Catalina’s skin and, despite her protests; he rescues her.
When Catalina wakes up, she butts heads with her irritating, yet surprisingly intriguing savior, Darwin, who acts more like a boy than the man he is. But he leaves and Catalina is kidnapped by followers of a man, Valmont, who lusts after her power and the immortality that comes with it. She barely escapes with the help of Valmont’s jealous fiancé and washes up on a beach where an old wizard she almost recognizes finds her.
The familiar wizard, Warwick, exudes a strange sense of safety that is solidified when Catalina accidentally enters his mind. He knows her and, maybe, he knows her mother as well. Back at Warwick’s castle-home she bumps into Darwin. He kisses her then forces her back to where she started in 3031 CE just as her mother rushes to her. Catalina is fueled by anger from watching her mother slip away again and her powers grow. The trees see this and recognize the marks of an eternal, a keeper of time. But that’s just the problem…the trees SEE.
Awakened after thousands of years, the trees tell Catalina that as an eternal, it is her job to protect time. Due to a rift, at any given moment, pieces of the past come crashing into Catalina’s present. The trees urge her to seek the help of he who failed before her as an eternal: Warwick. But before he can help, Warwick’s powers must be restored by reuniting him with his true love.
Catalina follows clues from her vivid dreams that guide her through the ever-changing landscape affected by time jumps. They lead her to outwit the fairies in their labyrinth, across the mountains where demons roam, through the roots of elvin trees, and finally into the sea with a siren. Deep into the ocean, in a cottage untouchable by magic, Catalina finds Warwick’s love but on her way back, she is pulled into Valmont’s mind. Through his eyes, Catalina watches him raise an army of soul-sucking demons and high-tech armies alike. Through his body, Catalina feels the elation that wipes over him as he murders the people she cares about.
Catalina is driven by these images to fight Valmont herself. There is no time to wait for Warwick’s powers to strengthen. At the castle that popped up out of nowhere, Catalina finds not only Darwin waiting as pompous and handsome as ever, but also the woman she so desperately wanted to find: Her mother. With her mother by her side, Catalina and her army march forward into the great domed city of Ulcadia to fight Valmont head-on. In the midst of battle, Catalina meets Valmont and transports them both into the fourth dimension. The voices of those she loves swirl in her head and she gains the strength to annihilate Valmont. Instead, she leaves him in the fourth dimension to rot while she fights her way down into the stream of time.
Through Catalina, time slowly heals, but she realizes she will lose everything when it is restored to its proper state. She cries as she hangs like a puppet on a string while clinging to the image of her half-dissolved mother. Just when she makes the decision to sacrifice herself and become a human patch for time, a new force enters the fourth dimension. A powerful Warwick takes Catalina’s place and tells her she can either return to earth as the eternal or she can go with Mother Nature and be at peace. If she dies, a child will have to take her place. So, as Warwick fuses with time, Catalina spirals down to earth to be caught by none other than the boy behind the magic portrait, her painter, Darwin.
Aug 17, 2009
Not a Real Query- Just for Fun
To take a break from all the critiquing, I'm posting a mock query I submitted to Evil Editor for last week's Writing Exercise: Bad Queries. "Write a query that focuses entirely on one thing that should be a very minor part of a good query, or shouldn't be included in a good query at all." All of the submissions were funny, check the rest out!
Dear Evil Editor,
I know you are just dying to read my really long manuscript, THE SEARCH FOR MR. LINCOLN: AND THE ENCOUNTER WITH CORNBREAD AND THE THREE EYED MAN. You see, even the title is long. And with a title that long, the manuscript must be long, too. I can’t tell you how many words it is, because when I tried to do a word count, my computer started crying. Really, tears poured from the monitor. That really jacked up my keyboard, but it didn’t stop me from adding another huge chuck of words to the manuscript.
I know the word count is right on the money, so you don’t have to worry about it. You can trust me. I made it incredibly long because you can’t have too much of a good thing. I tried to have too much of a good thing once. You know what that good thing was? My manuscript. And I couldn’t get enough of it. So I added more words.
I’m adding more words to it again even though it’s done so I can release an unabridged version, with an even higher word count. The critics will rave about it because it will be a big thick book and it will look impressive on anyone’s bookshelf.
I think a high word count adds a great deal of value to the book. If you sell it at the same price as other books, like “epics” that are only “250,000 words,” then my book will have a lower cost per word. It will be like pennies on the dollar compared to those books because of all the extra words you get when you buy my book. In today’s economy, you can’t be too sensitive to the needs of the consumer.
Thank you for your consideration. I think I went over 250 words for this submission, but that only helps to illustrate my point, so I know you’ll forgive me.
Dear Evil Editor,
I know you are just dying to read my really long manuscript, THE SEARCH FOR MR. LINCOLN: AND THE ENCOUNTER WITH CORNBREAD AND THE THREE EYED MAN. You see, even the title is long. And with a title that long, the manuscript must be long, too. I can’t tell you how many words it is, because when I tried to do a word count, my computer started crying. Really, tears poured from the monitor. That really jacked up my keyboard, but it didn’t stop me from adding another huge chuck of words to the manuscript.
I know the word count is right on the money, so you don’t have to worry about it. You can trust me. I made it incredibly long because you can’t have too much of a good thing. I tried to have too much of a good thing once. You know what that good thing was? My manuscript. And I couldn’t get enough of it. So I added more words.
I’m adding more words to it again even though it’s done so I can release an unabridged version, with an even higher word count. The critics will rave about it because it will be a big thick book and it will look impressive on anyone’s bookshelf.
I think a high word count adds a great deal of value to the book. If you sell it at the same price as other books, like “epics” that are only “250,000 words,” then my book will have a lower cost per word. It will be like pennies on the dollar compared to those books because of all the extra words you get when you buy my book. In today’s economy, you can’t be too sensitive to the needs of the consumer.
Thank you for your consideration. I think I went over 250 words for this submission, but that only helps to illustrate my point, so I know you’ll forgive me.
Query- The Last Flight (Version 4)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the second version.
Click here to read the third version.
Agency
Agent
Dear Mr. or Ms. Agent
Flannary Investments LLC has been on the SEC's Division of Enforcement radar for a long time. Their increasing power in the markets and trading irregularities had triggered alarm bells. Jeff Conklin, SEC investigator, was assigned to the case.
When Conklin investigates, he discovers irregularities that go far beyond suspicious trades. Flannary Investments isn't a run of the mill powerful hedge fund. It's a massive investment scheme. Built upon a complex web of betrayal, trust, sex and murder.
Richard Harper a highly respected, freelance investigator never expected he would become part of an elaborate cover-up when he accepted an offer from the CFO of Flannary Investments LLC to investigate an investment scheme larger than he had ever known. And he would never have imagined that during the investigation, his wife was being seduced by its CEO.
Conklin teams up with Richard Harper to try and unravel the scheme. But the more they unravel, the more they find themselves entangled in the darkest corners of the hedge fund world where Flannary Investments operates.
The closer they get to the truth, the more desperate Flannary Investments becomes to stop them. As they target the company, they discover that Flannary Investments is targeting them.
Your agency was recommended as one of the top 50 in the country for longevity and for getting results. Also, Mr. Agent, I noticed when visiting your web site, you have particular interest in crime genre.
Thank you in advance for your time reading my query and I am prepared to send the entire 85k manuscript upon your request. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Author
Click here to read the second version.
Click here to read the third version.
Agency
Agent
Dear Mr. or Ms. Agent
Flannary Investments LLC has been on the SEC's Division of Enforcement radar for a long time. Their increasing power in the markets and trading irregularities had triggered alarm bells. Jeff Conklin, SEC investigator, was assigned to the case.
When Conklin investigates, he discovers irregularities that go far beyond suspicious trades. Flannary Investments isn't a run of the mill powerful hedge fund. It's a massive investment scheme. Built upon a complex web of betrayal, trust, sex and murder.
Richard Harper a highly respected, freelance investigator never expected he would become part of an elaborate cover-up when he accepted an offer from the CFO of Flannary Investments LLC to investigate an investment scheme larger than he had ever known. And he would never have imagined that during the investigation, his wife was being seduced by its CEO.
Conklin teams up with Richard Harper to try and unravel the scheme. But the more they unravel, the more they find themselves entangled in the darkest corners of the hedge fund world where Flannary Investments operates.
The closer they get to the truth, the more desperate Flannary Investments becomes to stop them. As they target the company, they discover that Flannary Investments is targeting them.
Your agency was recommended as one of the top 50 in the country for longevity and for getting results. Also, Mr. Agent, I noticed when visiting your web site, you have particular interest in crime genre.
Thank you in advance for your time reading my query and I am prepared to send the entire 85k manuscript upon your request. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Author
Query "Stand-In"
Dear Agent,
Detective John Broden and Special Agent Alex Darby have been thrust into their worst nightmare; a serial killer that leaves the next body faster than the investigators can process the evidence from the previous one. Add in the fact that the killer is clearly trying to turn each victim into some unknown woman, and Broden and Darby definitely have their work cut out for them. They both know that the key to solving the murders will be determining the identity of the mystery woman.
When they stumble into the middle of what appears to be an unrelated case, they find their key. Kelly Jo Carter is, without a doubt, the object of a killer’s twisted obsession. She is also a woman with a severe, yet well placed, mistrust of law enforcement. As Kelly lays out a story of corruption and betrayal, of brutality and abuse, it is almost more than the lawmen can believe.
“Stand-In” is a completed 84,000-word commercial fiction thriller and as a victim of a violent crime myself, I was able to incorporate some of my own experiences into the story line. “Stand-In” is not only packed with suspense, but allows readers to really feel the emotions that overwhelm victims.
I would be happy to send the entire manuscript, or any portion of it, for your review if you are interested. Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Author
Detective John Broden and Special Agent Alex Darby have been thrust into their worst nightmare; a serial killer that leaves the next body faster than the investigators can process the evidence from the previous one. Add in the fact that the killer is clearly trying to turn each victim into some unknown woman, and Broden and Darby definitely have their work cut out for them. They both know that the key to solving the murders will be determining the identity of the mystery woman.
When they stumble into the middle of what appears to be an unrelated case, they find their key. Kelly Jo Carter is, without a doubt, the object of a killer’s twisted obsession. She is also a woman with a severe, yet well placed, mistrust of law enforcement. As Kelly lays out a story of corruption and betrayal, of brutality and abuse, it is almost more than the lawmen can believe.
“Stand-In” is a completed 84,000-word commercial fiction thriller and as a victim of a violent crime myself, I was able to incorporate some of my own experiences into the story line. “Stand-In” is not only packed with suspense, but allows readers to really feel the emotions that overwhelm victims.
I would be happy to send the entire manuscript, or any portion of it, for your review if you are interested. Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Author
Aug 16, 2009
Query- Shadow Falls (Revision #1)
Click here to read the original query
Dear Agent:
There are people who know sixteen-year-old Willow Sinclair’s big secret. Unfortunately, Willow isn’t one of them.
Will senses something strange is going on the first week she starts her new school in the mountains of North Carolina. For a girl who has spent the first two years of high school successfully blending into the scenery, she suddenly is getting a whole lot of attention.
First, the faculty is giving her the hard sell on joining the Leadership Council (the LC), an exclusive club of students with ties to the academy’s biggest donor, a charismatic televangelist. The members are supermodel perfect, smart as hell, and spiritually dedicated (although dedicated to what, she’s not so sure). Willow can think of nothing she would like to join less.
Then, two boys are competing for her interest and warning her about the danger the other one poses. Will is confused. When did a fairy godmother sneak into her room and sprinkle her with desirable dust? Boys like these would have existed in another orbit from her at her old school in Texas.
Finally, as if beautiful boys and pushy teachers aren’t enough to drive a girl to the edge, Will starts seeing colors around people and develops the olfactory glands of a bloodhound.
Will needs answers. But she’s not sure which guy she can trust to help her find them. Rivers, the sweet Alabama boy with the killer dimples, who also happens to be a member of the LC? Or Pierce, the over-confident preacher’s son with a reputation for preying on new girls and an ax to grind with his father?
Both boys think they know why she’s gifted—she’s goddess-touched like they are. But neither realizes that Willow’s gift came at a price. Before she took her first breath, someone made a deal with her soul. And now it’s time to pay up.
I am pleased to submit for your consideration my paranormal young adult novel, SHADOW FALLS, complete at 85,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration. If you would like to learn more about me, please visit me at http://fictiongroupie.blogspot.com . I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Me
Dear Agent:
There are people who know sixteen-year-old Willow Sinclair’s big secret. Unfortunately, Willow isn’t one of them.
Will senses something strange is going on the first week she starts her new school in the mountains of North Carolina. For a girl who has spent the first two years of high school successfully blending into the scenery, she suddenly is getting a whole lot of attention.
First, the faculty is giving her the hard sell on joining the Leadership Council (the LC), an exclusive club of students with ties to the academy’s biggest donor, a charismatic televangelist. The members are supermodel perfect, smart as hell, and spiritually dedicated (although dedicated to what, she’s not so sure). Willow can think of nothing she would like to join less.
Then, two boys are competing for her interest and warning her about the danger the other one poses. Will is confused. When did a fairy godmother sneak into her room and sprinkle her with desirable dust? Boys like these would have existed in another orbit from her at her old school in Texas.
Finally, as if beautiful boys and pushy teachers aren’t enough to drive a girl to the edge, Will starts seeing colors around people and develops the olfactory glands of a bloodhound.
Will needs answers. But she’s not sure which guy she can trust to help her find them. Rivers, the sweet Alabama boy with the killer dimples, who also happens to be a member of the LC? Or Pierce, the over-confident preacher’s son with a reputation for preying on new girls and an ax to grind with his father?
Both boys think they know why she’s gifted—she’s goddess-touched like they are. But neither realizes that Willow’s gift came at a price. Before she took her first breath, someone made a deal with her soul. And now it’s time to pay up.
I am pleased to submit for your consideration my paranormal young adult novel, SHADOW FALLS, complete at 85,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration. If you would like to learn more about me, please visit me at http://fictiongroupie.blogspot.com . I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Me
Query- Near Edgware (Revision 1)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent,
I would like to introduce you to my novel, Near Edgware.
16 year-old Jess Trainer returns to a school that has changed in everyway except geographically. The Head doesn’t tolerate deviation from his code, and the rules. Jess is glad to be back, she just wants to spend time with her friends. Despite her determination to avoid trouble she can’t fight the lure of Caleb Ridgeway. She can see him, tell the difference, to her he is more than one of the matching set of boys who came with the new Headteacher.
This attraction draws Jess inside the world of those born Were. Only after she is attacked by feral Were does Jess discover that Caleb’s secret, exciting to speculate about, is bitingly real. Given the choice between keeping his secret or losing Caleb for good Jess decides their love is worth the risk. When the feral Were attempt to destroy the younger members of the pack – specifically Caleb – they have help on the inside who nearly make that happen.
The task of saving them all falls on Jess which is ironic given the other secret that permeates the book. Her parents keep from her why she senses when people are more than they seem, why she is fast and strong, why her visual memory was bred in her; they want to end a way of life built on hatred and annihilation. They leave it to fate to see what happens when the last born Hunter meets the Alpha-to-be. An unscrupulous Were could see Jess’ ignorance as the perfect opportunity for revenge. It’s a good job Caleb fights for more than the right to love.
Near Edgware is complete at 75,000 words. It has been written as a stand alone novel. But it could be so much more. Once characters have been established they have been known to develop a loyal following. I have planned the outlines for five, or infact six, further linked stories elements of each have been woven into the book. The first three chapters of Book 2 are already written and could be ready for perusal with the more polished manuscript described above.
I am a teacher and use Social and Emotional Aspect of Learning (SEAL) as the cornerstone of my work. I also have a counselling qualification. I bring these skills to my writing.
Thank you for your time. I hope to hear from you soon.
Yours sincerely
Dear Agent,
I would like to introduce you to my novel, Near Edgware.
16 year-old Jess Trainer returns to a school that has changed in everyway except geographically. The Head doesn’t tolerate deviation from his code, and the rules. Jess is glad to be back, she just wants to spend time with her friends. Despite her determination to avoid trouble she can’t fight the lure of Caleb Ridgeway. She can see him, tell the difference, to her he is more than one of the matching set of boys who came with the new Headteacher.
This attraction draws Jess inside the world of those born Were. Only after she is attacked by feral Were does Jess discover that Caleb’s secret, exciting to speculate about, is bitingly real. Given the choice between keeping his secret or losing Caleb for good Jess decides their love is worth the risk. When the feral Were attempt to destroy the younger members of the pack – specifically Caleb – they have help on the inside who nearly make that happen.
The task of saving them all falls on Jess which is ironic given the other secret that permeates the book. Her parents keep from her why she senses when people are more than they seem, why she is fast and strong, why her visual memory was bred in her; they want to end a way of life built on hatred and annihilation. They leave it to fate to see what happens when the last born Hunter meets the Alpha-to-be. An unscrupulous Were could see Jess’ ignorance as the perfect opportunity for revenge. It’s a good job Caleb fights for more than the right to love.
Near Edgware is complete at 75,000 words. It has been written as a stand alone novel. But it could be so much more. Once characters have been established they have been known to develop a loyal following. I have planned the outlines for five, or infact six, further linked stories elements of each have been woven into the book. The first three chapters of Book 2 are already written and could be ready for perusal with the more polished manuscript described above.
I am a teacher and use Social and Emotional Aspect of Learning (SEAL) as the cornerstone of my work. I also have a counselling qualification. I bring these skills to my writing.
Thank you for your time. I hope to hear from you soon.
Yours sincerely
Aug 15, 2009
Query - Traitor's Plight (1st Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent,
Dear Agent,
When her betrothed decides she has lived past the point of usefulness, Lydia escapes assassination only to find herself in the distant kingdom of war-torn Mudamora and her life in no less danger. The gods meddle in the affairs of this land and bless her with the ability to heal. The blessing is more of a curse; the power reveals itself when she restores Lord Rhys Calorian from a mortal injury, only for her to discover she must now bear the excruciating pain herself. Worse yet, it is a power condemning her to serve in the mad King's failing army should she ever be found out.
Resourcefulness and quick thinking saved her life before and these attributes serve her well as she blends into the underbelly of the city using the anonymity of a common serving wench. Only Rhys knows her secret and he uses it to coerce her into joining the ranks of the Princess's female guards, of which he is the reluctant captain. Over the clash of practice swords, they discover a passion greater than either of them expected, but it is a love continually tested by his quest for redemption of past transgressions and by her risk of discovery.
The trouble with secrets is not in the having, but in the keeping and when the Princess she is sworn to protect finds hers out, Lydia takes on the role of master dissembler to protect a prince from his own madness and to avoid a war of ascendancy that would leave Mudamora ripe for its enemy's picking. Only her act comes at the cost of Rhys' affection and to win it back she risks not only the family she swore to protect, but also sentencing herself to captivity and him to the
headman's block.
TRAITOR'S PLIGHT is a 107,000 word fantasy with a strong romantic element, and is the first volume in a trilogy. I would be happy to send you the complete manuscript at your request.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Author
Query- Near Edgware
Dear Agent,
Near Edgware, my YA paranormal romance is set in a seemingly normal secondary school and the ancient woodland that borders the town of Woodford, near Edgware. The manuscript is complete in 75,000 words.
Jess senses that someone’s keeping secrets and despite her determination to avoid trouble she can’t fight the lure of the boy who keeps away from his peers, says he isn’t interested but seems to be around every corner she turns. She can see subtle differences and worries away until she finds out the truth. She runs, more than walks into trouble unaware that there are things her family should have told her.
In the first term of the Sixth Form, 16 year-old Jess returns to a school that has changed in everyway except geographically. She has learned to use swimming and running to focus her excess energy now. The boy that intrigues her shares a lot of her interests and is more attractive than she can resist. She believes that she can really see him and wants to know him better. For a boy who says she should keep her distance his hands linger more than his eyes.
This is an attraction that draws Jess into the world of those born Were, the dangerous feral Were and the hunters who are born to eradicate wolves in any form. It takes trust and courage to love when the obstacles that stand in your way are rooted deeper than cultural norms.
Near Edgware opens up the window onto the world of the Were and the hunters who have bred a highly-skilled nemesis; only Jess knows nothing of her destiny. The result is a gripping and moving tale of two individuals who can see more in the other than the pretty, surface image. It is complete as a stand-alone novel but could be just the first chapter of a love that will have to withstand the ramifications of its existence.
I am a new writer. I am also a teacher and use aspects of Social and Emotional Aspect of Learning (SEAL) as the cornerstone of my work. I have an counselling qualification. I bring these skills to my writing.
Thank you for your time. I hope to hear from you soon.
Right... we all know that I need help of an almost psychological nature so I look forward to a little (or a lot) of advice!
Near Edgware, my YA paranormal romance is set in a seemingly normal secondary school and the ancient woodland that borders the town of Woodford, near Edgware. The manuscript is complete in 75,000 words.
Jess senses that someone’s keeping secrets and despite her determination to avoid trouble she can’t fight the lure of the boy who keeps away from his peers, says he isn’t interested but seems to be around every corner she turns. She can see subtle differences and worries away until she finds out the truth. She runs, more than walks into trouble unaware that there are things her family should have told her.
In the first term of the Sixth Form, 16 year-old Jess returns to a school that has changed in everyway except geographically. She has learned to use swimming and running to focus her excess energy now. The boy that intrigues her shares a lot of her interests and is more attractive than she can resist. She believes that she can really see him and wants to know him better. For a boy who says she should keep her distance his hands linger more than his eyes.
This is an attraction that draws Jess into the world of those born Were, the dangerous feral Were and the hunters who are born to eradicate wolves in any form. It takes trust and courage to love when the obstacles that stand in your way are rooted deeper than cultural norms.
Near Edgware opens up the window onto the world of the Were and the hunters who have bred a highly-skilled nemesis; only Jess knows nothing of her destiny. The result is a gripping and moving tale of two individuals who can see more in the other than the pretty, surface image. It is complete as a stand-alone novel but could be just the first chapter of a love that will have to withstand the ramifications of its existence.
I am a new writer. I am also a teacher and use aspects of Social and Emotional Aspect of Learning (SEAL) as the cornerstone of my work. I have an counselling qualification. I bring these skills to my writing.
Thank you for your time. I hope to hear from you soon.
Right... we all know that I need help of an almost psychological nature so I look forward to a little (or a lot) of advice!
Aug 14, 2009
A Scorpion's Nature - Revision #4
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Dear Agent,
The other sunny idiots at YMCA Camp Crenden could hold hands and wallow in their Kum By Yah lovefest. Ryan Laraway chose to lash back at his evil Junior Counselor and a tyrant camper. Unleashing his rage was the only way Ryan knew how to deal with the torment of his father’s death. It stunk that he might get booted out, though. He was so close to talking with that gorgeous girl in his field sports class. She seemed lonely too, just like him.
A SCORPION’S NATURE follows an anguished thirteen year old who copes with death by walling himself off from the living. Ryan’s journey unfolds in a rollicking summer camp with quirky songs and food so atrocious even the director’s mutt refuses to eat the Cheesy Fish Tarts. My 55,000 word upper middle grade novel grew out of twenty years as a YMCA camper, counselor, and director.
The complete manuscript is available upon your request. Thank you for considering my work.
Sincerely,
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Dear Agent,
The other sunny idiots at YMCA Camp Crenden could hold hands and wallow in their Kum By Yah lovefest. Ryan Laraway chose to lash back at his evil Junior Counselor and a tyrant camper. Unleashing his rage was the only way Ryan knew how to deal with the torment of his father’s death. It stunk that he might get booted out, though. He was so close to talking with that gorgeous girl in his field sports class. She seemed lonely too, just like him.
A SCORPION’S NATURE follows an anguished thirteen year old who copes with death by walling himself off from the living. Ryan’s journey unfolds in a rollicking summer camp with quirky songs and food so atrocious even the director’s mutt refuses to eat the Cheesy Fish Tarts. My 55,000 word upper middle grade novel grew out of twenty years as a YMCA camper, counselor, and director.
The complete manuscript is available upon your request. Thank you for considering my work.
Sincerely,
QUERY - DARK VISIONS
Dear Agent:
Psychic Jasmine Winters is about to find out which is harder: saving a woman she hates from a headline-making serial killer, or learning someone she loves might be that killer.
DARK VISIONS, my 97,000-word mystery, opens with Jasmine’s vision of her nemesis’ murder. While she’d like to let Marissa meet her end, there’s one problem: Marissa is married to Jasmine’s best friend, Mark. So, she spills all to Mark, who insists Jasmine meet with police. A reluctant Jasmine has instant chemistry with Det. Eric Mathers, a lead investigator on the case. Despite ridicule from colleagues, Eric asks Jasmine to help with the investigation.
Eric and Jasmine grow close as she recounts her visions of future and past murders by the serial killer. Things are looking up as one of Jasmine’s visions leads to a breakthrough in the case, and she and Eric become further enmeshed. But the rosy outlook doesn’t last long. Jasmine witnesses signs of mental instability in Mark and begins having disturbing visions of Eric’s violent past.
When Jasmine sees evidence connecting Mark to the killer’s unique calling card and hears the venom he has toward his wife, she’s not sure what to think. She’s even less sure after she has a vision of Eric’s past violence ending in a murder. She’s got a feeling one of these men is connected to the serial murders. She’d be less concerned if she could see her own future, but those are the visions that never come to Jasmine. So, now she’s got to piece this puzzle together herself before it’s too late.
DARK VISIONS is my first novel. However, I have written professionally about crime. I covered crime and spot news for The Kansas City Star. I also wrote for Campus Crime, a trade publication focused on crime and policing techniques on college campuses.
I’d love to send you the complete Dark Visions manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Signature
[to blog viewers: thanks in advance for your feedback]
Psychic Jasmine Winters is about to find out which is harder: saving a woman she hates from a headline-making serial killer, or learning someone she loves might be that killer.
DARK VISIONS, my 97,000-word mystery, opens with Jasmine’s vision of her nemesis’ murder. While she’d like to let Marissa meet her end, there’s one problem: Marissa is married to Jasmine’s best friend, Mark. So, she spills all to Mark, who insists Jasmine meet with police. A reluctant Jasmine has instant chemistry with Det. Eric Mathers, a lead investigator on the case. Despite ridicule from colleagues, Eric asks Jasmine to help with the investigation.
Eric and Jasmine grow close as she recounts her visions of future and past murders by the serial killer. Things are looking up as one of Jasmine’s visions leads to a breakthrough in the case, and she and Eric become further enmeshed. But the rosy outlook doesn’t last long. Jasmine witnesses signs of mental instability in Mark and begins having disturbing visions of Eric’s violent past.
When Jasmine sees evidence connecting Mark to the killer’s unique calling card and hears the venom he has toward his wife, she’s not sure what to think. She’s even less sure after she has a vision of Eric’s past violence ending in a murder. She’s got a feeling one of these men is connected to the serial murders. She’d be less concerned if she could see her own future, but those are the visions that never come to Jasmine. So, now she’s got to piece this puzzle together herself before it’s too late.
DARK VISIONS is my first novel. However, I have written professionally about crime. I covered crime and spot news for The Kansas City Star. I also wrote for Campus Crime, a trade publication focused on crime and policing techniques on college campuses.
I’d love to send you the complete Dark Visions manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Signature
[to blog viewers: thanks in advance for your feedback]
Aug 13, 2009
Query: Silver Spangles
Dear Agent,
In one world, a girl covets independence from her family. In another, a young man struggles to honor noblesse oblige while pretending to live a carefree teenaged life. Love—and an elite private school—smashes these two worlds together.
Eva, an American high school senior stuck in a new British school, chafes against her mother's constant surveillance and her classmates' unnaturally good behavior. Their blond good looks and bizarre obedience to authority, not to mention her paid stalker, lead her to suspect that the school is harboring a white supremacist group. Eva falls for the school's moody golden boy, Marcus, who reveals the truth: the students are Vikings who can travel in time until their nineteenth birthdays.
Marcus's royal angst means he doesn't tell Eva he rules as a minor king in the past. Planning on a short, romantic idyll, Marcus and Eva visit the eleventh century. The outing becomes dangerous when Marcus is attacked and drugged by a jealous Viking girl, Eva lands in prison and escapes by marrying a former classmate, and the Queen of Denmark attacks the Viking settlement. The couple barely escape to the present after Eva's mother, secretly a time-traveler herself, tips the battle in their favor and Marcus temporarily relinquishes his crown.
The completed young adult manuscript is approximately 93,000 words long.
Thanks for looking over this query. I've included the first five pages. Would you be interested in reading the full manuscript?
Sincerely,
Me!
In one world, a girl covets independence from her family. In another, a young man struggles to honor noblesse oblige while pretending to live a carefree teenaged life. Love—and an elite private school—smashes these two worlds together.
Eva, an American high school senior stuck in a new British school, chafes against her mother's constant surveillance and her classmates' unnaturally good behavior. Their blond good looks and bizarre obedience to authority, not to mention her paid stalker, lead her to suspect that the school is harboring a white supremacist group. Eva falls for the school's moody golden boy, Marcus, who reveals the truth: the students are Vikings who can travel in time until their nineteenth birthdays.
Marcus's royal angst means he doesn't tell Eva he rules as a minor king in the past. Planning on a short, romantic idyll, Marcus and Eva visit the eleventh century. The outing becomes dangerous when Marcus is attacked and drugged by a jealous Viking girl, Eva lands in prison and escapes by marrying a former classmate, and the Queen of Denmark attacks the Viking settlement. The couple barely escape to the present after Eva's mother, secretly a time-traveler herself, tips the battle in their favor and Marcus temporarily relinquishes his crown.
The completed young adult manuscript is approximately 93,000 words long.
Thanks for looking over this query. I've included the first five pages. Would you be interested in reading the full manuscript?
Sincerely,
Me!
Query: Killing Time on the Highway (final)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read a revision.
I just wanted to say thank you for your valuable comments. I sent queries to five literary agents on Aug. 4 and have had two requests for sample chapters so far! This is what I sent:
I came across your site and was immediately intrigued with your background as an editor. With your experience on both sides of the publishing industry, I feel my novel, Killing Time on the Highway, would be in good hands.
Minnesota State Patrol investigator Cade Dawkins takes on the case of a lifetime when a bloody highway shootout leaves behind eight dead bodies—and $300 million in cash. After his last assignment, a disaster that left his partners dead and his career on life support, Cade jumps at the opportunity for redemption, recognizing this will either be his biggest case—or his final case.
As Cade gets close to uncovering the money’s owner, there’s a problem: the owner wants his money back and is willing to do whatever it takes. To slow down Cade’s investigation, a catastrophic attack using automatic weapons and a stolen Hummer is launched on the Twin Cities’ busiest highway by four of the cruelest men to ever crawl out into daylight. With Cade and the entire city reeling, audacious thief Martin Clements is planning to break into Patrol headquarters to steal the money back.
Killing Time on the Highway, my 76,000 word thriller, will appeal to fans of the Prey series by John Sandford. His novels have taught me that strong characters, tight plotting and page turning action are important ingredients to a successful thriller.
Having written professionally for the last ten years in advertising and marketing, I’ve learned the value of powerful ideas and concise execution.
Thank you for your consideration,
Allan Evans
Click here to read a revision.
I just wanted to say thank you for your valuable comments. I sent queries to five literary agents on Aug. 4 and have had two requests for sample chapters so far! This is what I sent:
I came across your site and was immediately intrigued with your background as an editor. With your experience on both sides of the publishing industry, I feel my novel, Killing Time on the Highway, would be in good hands.
Minnesota State Patrol investigator Cade Dawkins takes on the case of a lifetime when a bloody highway shootout leaves behind eight dead bodies—and $300 million in cash. After his last assignment, a disaster that left his partners dead and his career on life support, Cade jumps at the opportunity for redemption, recognizing this will either be his biggest case—or his final case.
As Cade gets close to uncovering the money’s owner, there’s a problem: the owner wants his money back and is willing to do whatever it takes. To slow down Cade’s investigation, a catastrophic attack using automatic weapons and a stolen Hummer is launched on the Twin Cities’ busiest highway by four of the cruelest men to ever crawl out into daylight. With Cade and the entire city reeling, audacious thief Martin Clements is planning to break into Patrol headquarters to steal the money back.
Killing Time on the Highway, my 76,000 word thriller, will appeal to fans of the Prey series by John Sandford. His novels have taught me that strong characters, tight plotting and page turning action are important ingredients to a successful thriller.
Having written professionally for the last ten years in advertising and marketing, I’ve learned the value of powerful ideas and concise execution.
Thank you for your consideration,
Allan Evans
QUERY - A SCORPION'S NATURE - REVISION #3
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Thank you to everyone who has been posting comments. Your responses have been specific, which has been quite helpful. I’ve really struggled to balance the serious elements (a parent’s passing) with the fun side (goofy camp games and quirky songs) of the story when writing this query. I don’t want the whole novel to come across as a total downer. I’m eager to hear your response to this (final?) draft.
Dear Agent,
The other sunny idiots at YMCA Camp Powell can hold hands and Kum Ba Yah all they want. Kyle Matusik lashed back at his evil Junior Counselor and a tyrant camper. Unleashing his rage was the only way Kyle knew how to deal with the lasting torment of his father’s death. It stunk that he might get booted out, though. He was so close to talking with that gorgeous girl in his field sports class. She seemed lonely too, just like him.
A SCORPION’S NATURE follows an anguished thirteen year old who copes with death by walling himself off from the living. My 55,000 word middle grade novel, set in a quirky summer camp, grew out of twenty years as a YMCA camper, counselor, and director.
The complete manuscript is available upon your request. Thank you for considering my work.
Sincerely,
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Thank you to everyone who has been posting comments. Your responses have been specific, which has been quite helpful. I’ve really struggled to balance the serious elements (a parent’s passing) with the fun side (goofy camp games and quirky songs) of the story when writing this query. I don’t want the whole novel to come across as a total downer. I’m eager to hear your response to this (final?) draft.
Dear Agent,
The other sunny idiots at YMCA Camp Powell can hold hands and Kum Ba Yah all they want. Kyle Matusik lashed back at his evil Junior Counselor and a tyrant camper. Unleashing his rage was the only way Kyle knew how to deal with the lasting torment of his father’s death. It stunk that he might get booted out, though. He was so close to talking with that gorgeous girl in his field sports class. She seemed lonely too, just like him.
A SCORPION’S NATURE follows an anguished thirteen year old who copes with death by walling himself off from the living. My 55,000 word middle grade novel, set in a quirky summer camp, grew out of twenty years as a YMCA camper, counselor, and director.
The complete manuscript is available upon your request. Thank you for considering my work.
Sincerely,
Aug 12, 2009
Query - Treandle
Cyrilla’s sheltered and insecure world seems to finally have purpose when she falls in love with Muerek, a member of the Royal Army. But when his life is threatened, the use of her forbidden magic is the only way to save him, even though it condemns her to a containment camp, locked away from everything she’s ever known. Thrust into a role that forces her to use magic she knows nothing about, her perception of the world around her is forever changed.
Muerek’s pain quickly turns to anger, nearing hatred, for the woman he once loved, but who betrayed him, and he runs from any connection with Cyrilla. Plagued by vivid dreams of lost and scared children, taken from their parents for no other reason than possessing magic, he embarks on a journey that will forever change his life long beliefs.
The Royal Army marches towards Tearnoc, bent on destroying all magic within Treandle, with or without Lord Tearle, who is supposed to keep order within Treandle. Can Cyrilla cope with the pain of losing Muerek and the overwhelming demands of her new role in order to break the containment wall’s spell in Treandle, creating shelter for those the Army wishes to destroy?
Will Muerek be able to forgive Cyrilla and accept her unconditionally, or will the anger push him over the edge and into the depths of hate?
Treandle is a 113,000 page, young adult novel, that will take readers on a journey of lost love, and all the challenges that a position of power and authority pose to one not accustom to anything but farm life. It sets the stage for a war that will determine the real evil within the kingdom of Tribidor, which will continue in subsequent novel(s).
The rest will be personalized for each agent ;o)
Thanks!
Muerek’s pain quickly turns to anger, nearing hatred, for the woman he once loved, but who betrayed him, and he runs from any connection with Cyrilla. Plagued by vivid dreams of lost and scared children, taken from their parents for no other reason than possessing magic, he embarks on a journey that will forever change his life long beliefs.
The Royal Army marches towards Tearnoc, bent on destroying all magic within Treandle, with or without Lord Tearle, who is supposed to keep order within Treandle. Can Cyrilla cope with the pain of losing Muerek and the overwhelming demands of her new role in order to break the containment wall’s spell in Treandle, creating shelter for those the Army wishes to destroy?
Will Muerek be able to forgive Cyrilla and accept her unconditionally, or will the anger push him over the edge and into the depths of hate?
Treandle is a 113,000 page, young adult novel, that will take readers on a journey of lost love, and all the challenges that a position of power and authority pose to one not accustom to anything but farm life. It sets the stage for a war that will determine the real evil within the kingdom of Tribidor, which will continue in subsequent novel(s).
The rest will be personalized for each agent ;o)
Thanks!
Query - Genesis (Revision Three)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the second version.
[If I don't get it close to right this time, I'm gonna pull my hair out!]
Dear Agent:
After a chance encounter with tall-dark-and-handsome, Detective Anna Savage finds her old passions for secrets and mystery start to resurface like wounds reopening to the air. Her wealthy, sexy suitor comes to sweep her off her feet and carry her to a mansion in Paris. It’s not a problem that Pierre DuChamps is a vampire. In fact, that only sweetens the deal. It’s a dream come true for Anna, a dark fairy tale she had only imagined would ever come true.
But he is determined to find a cure for his Thirst. In some way, the solution seems to be in the unborn half-human, half-vampire child of her friend, Maggie LeBlanc. The child is an anomaly, but much more than a science experiment. The birth is imminent, but the baby’s fate is unclear. Are Pierre’s intentions pure or does he have some sinister intent for the child? And her dreams keep warning Anna that Pierre is not what he seems. Does she follow her heart and help the vampire she’s falling for, or trust in her instinct to protect the innocent and lose Pierre forever?
There’s no way for her to know the importance of her choice; that with this birth comes the entire force of Heaven. This child will be a dark Messiah, sent on a Holy mission to release the vampire souls from their perpetual Hell. To the victor goes Salvation, and it all hinges on Anna Savage. The choice she makes will determine not only her own fate, but that of thousands of others.
Genesis is a completed contemporary fantasy novel. Thank you for taking the time to consider my query.
Sincerely,
Tara
[Contact Info]
Click here to read the second version.
[If I don't get it close to right this time, I'm gonna pull my hair out!]
Dear Agent:
After a chance encounter with tall-dark-and-handsome, Detective Anna Savage finds her old passions for secrets and mystery start to resurface like wounds reopening to the air. Her wealthy, sexy suitor comes to sweep her off her feet and carry her to a mansion in Paris. It’s not a problem that Pierre DuChamps is a vampire. In fact, that only sweetens the deal. It’s a dream come true for Anna, a dark fairy tale she had only imagined would ever come true.
But he is determined to find a cure for his Thirst. In some way, the solution seems to be in the unborn half-human, half-vampire child of her friend, Maggie LeBlanc. The child is an anomaly, but much more than a science experiment. The birth is imminent, but the baby’s fate is unclear. Are Pierre’s intentions pure or does he have some sinister intent for the child? And her dreams keep warning Anna that Pierre is not what he seems. Does she follow her heart and help the vampire she’s falling for, or trust in her instinct to protect the innocent and lose Pierre forever?
There’s no way for her to know the importance of her choice; that with this birth comes the entire force of Heaven. This child will be a dark Messiah, sent on a Holy mission to release the vampire souls from their perpetual Hell. To the victor goes Salvation, and it all hinges on Anna Savage. The choice she makes will determine not only her own fate, but that of thousands of others.
Genesis is a completed contemporary fantasy novel. Thank you for taking the time to consider my query.
Sincerely,
Tara
[Contact Info]
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