Adopting Some "Homeschooling" Skills

I want to address this particular comment from my previous post. I'm pasting the comment in full, but I only will be expanding on the first part of the question, "developing a skill set":
SL, you suggest that the parents should be "developing the skills that are keeping them from seeing the possibility in homeschooling." While homeschooling is great for some and some parents are terrific at it, this not something that everyone can simply develop a skill set in. Parents who are not cut out for home schooling would be doing their kids a great disservice. Have we come to the point where we believe kids are better off home schooled just to keep them away from the goyin, even if it means a lousy education, rather than use some of the wonderful free public schools that are available either where you live or simply by moving a short distance? If you are a great teacher and your kids are suited for homeschooling, then go for it, but it is not something that every parent should be considering. . . .

My comments: I wasn't so clear in my comment as I was hinting to a larger phenomenon that I see all the time.

I see a tremendous amount of money being spent on care even where parents are available, to say nothing of communal resources (think chessed babysitting hours provided by teenage girls, as well as actual donations ). The biggest expense is summer camp. Whether it is sleep away camp, day camp, or backyard camps, it is rare even for parents who are home to forgo outside care. Then there is after-after care. Many parents hire help for the after-school hours, often advertising for someone to assist them with homework and bedtime. There are groups on yom tov and Shabbat, but no matter the set up, they are rarely manned by parents, most often teenage girls working on a paid or volunteer basis. Break is coming and for some children (with a parent who is also on break), this means more camp. It is also rare for a pre-kindgergarten student to go to pre-school a half day. Nearly all are children are in school a full day.

From what I hear and read, many parents struggle tremendously when they have their children home even for a small school break. And, that is where I think we all need to start and build more "homeschooling" skills regardless of whether or not we ever homeschool. On a purely financial basis, there are tremendous savings to be able to care for all our children when we are available, rather than outsource that care. Beyond the finances of it all, I think it is important to give quantity of time to our children. Furthermore, I think it is important for our children to have the consistency of care that can best be offered by a parent. While I sometimes like my children to go to a Shabbat group or the like, I have sat in and witnessed that the leaders lack authority and that the kids lack the consistency that they should have in their regular home and school environments. I just don't see the benefit of bouncing between school, home, multiple caregivers, multiple summer camp and other care environments.

I'm going to introduce a few of my own tricks of the trade for managing my own crew and I hope readers will add some of their own tips and successes to keep the series active. Apologies if my tips are so obvious that I'm spilling virtual ink by even sharing them:

1. Get down on the floor: My kids want attention (lots of it!). But, there is just so much to be done. In many homes, laundry is the nemesis. There is just so much of it and the pile never stops growing.

When I work on a task like laundry, regardless of the participation that day of my kids, I try to sit on the floor. While sorting, folding, hanging, I am able to provide an increased level of attention to a child. I can read a story book, or just watch a child color. Playing a game is tough, but doable too.

2. Regroup: When the behavior is going south, or about to go south, regroup. Have everyone put away what they are doing, take a breather on different chairs or couches, and then start anew. If the kids need to go back to their bedroom and come out again, try that.

3. Assign a Task: My friends complain that their children are "bored." I can't say that this is something I have personal experience with. But, when I do find that my kids are being unproductive or that they seem to be aimless, I sometimes just assign (not suggest, but actually sit them down with the new assigned task) the "bored" kid something to do. It might be a specific chore, a specific academic task or book to read, or it might be giving them an overlooked toy to play with.

4. Managing the Environment: I find that when I am disorganized or the home is disorganized, the kids become less manageable. I make it a high priority to keep this home in good shape. Some of my friends take a different viewpoint and I've had many discussions about sticky countertops and happy children, the thought being that the kids should just have fun and the mess can be cleaned up when they are back in school (which falls far too close to Rosh Hashana to add massive deep cleaning into the routinue, imo). Personally I believe that respect for our home and our things is a value right from the Torah itself. Things should be put in their place. Toys should be returned with all the pieces in tact. And items must be cared for.

The bottom line for me is that when the home is neat and organized, I'm a better parent and a better person and the kids function better. If the home is in disarray, so are our attitudes.

5. Lists: I tend to organize in my head, but I am increasingly finding that physical lists on the wall are key to communicating the expectations and schedules. Investing in the right system of cork boards, whiteboards, markers, dry or wet erase markers, is worthwhile.

Please share your tips for managing your children for those long stretches.

Ask Orthonomics: Chanukah Present Dilemna

Dear Orthonomics:

I wanted yours and your readers advice on a dilemma that came up, regarding chanukah presents.

My grade school age son wanted a very specific and expensive toy for his birthday that was well over our "birthday present" budget. We told him that if he waits for Chanukah, and gives up his present now, we can combine the two presents, plus Chanukah money from his grandparents, to buy the toy. He agreed and did not receive a birthday present.

Now that Chanukah is approaching, I looked for the toy and saw that the store that was selling it went out of business. This is more of a specialty type toy, and costs significantly more online (over 50% more) than it would have in this (now closed) store.

At this point, we are unsure what to do. My son did the right thing and delayed gratification to get what he wanted later. To now not get him the toy might teach him the wrong lesson. We would not normally be willing to "add" the extra funds, as it is a significant amount of money that is much more than we would generally spend on a present. In addition, the "online" price is really too high to spend on any toy (almost $200), even if he will gain years of use.

So I am torn. Should we provide the extra funds to buy the toy? After all, we did offer to buy it based on the price that it was at the time of the offer. What message are we sending by buying such an expensive toy? My son does not have significant funds of his own to contribute (he offered his piggy bank), but should we could take money out of his savings account (which we would normally never do), and replenish it next birthday? I am looking for ideas on what would be the best way to be a good parent, while still not spoiling my child and still teaching him the value of money.

Thanks,

Nephew of Frum Actuary

Dear Nephew of Frum Actuary,

This is a really interesting dilemma and I'm waiting to hear from my readers. Personally, I don't like the idea of spending hundreds on a single toy, for a single child no matter where the money is coming from. That said, you are beyond that point as you have already promised this gift and to your misfortune the store selling the gift is now out of business and you are looking at paying double unexpectedly.

Unless you see that your child is becoming very spoiled through his behavior, I don't think you need to worry as much about one pricey gift being the spoiler. If you practice restraint in your home and your children generally follow suit, I wouldn't get caught that this gift is going to tip the scales.

In life we sometimes have to "eat the cost." Sometimes we quote a price in the course of business only to discover the work is far more than we counted on. Sometimes we tell out kids we will take them someplace thinking the cost is one thing and we discover we really underestimated (when did certain attractions triple in price?). We might not like eating the cost, but when we have given our word, we have given our word. We shouldn't spoil our children, but they should feel secure that when we give our word, we will follow through.

I am assuming that your son is one who understands deferred gratification and a bit about the value of money as he already chose to delay gratification. Before making the purchase, it might be a good idea to revisit the subject and make sure this is what he really wants. Oftentimes, the coveted item is no longer what is desired. If your son has his eye on something else already, you have some wiggle room. If your child still does still have his/her heart set on this toy and the money is there to spend, I'd follow through and "eat the cost".

There is definitely a lesson to be learned here, it just might not be the lesson that you were aiming towards and that sometimes happens.

One more note: I don't believe that a single (or even a few) large purchases or indulgences will ruin a child. I think that sometimes the "small" things that we do (often without noticing) which create a sense of entitlement. Rather than concentrate on the material (and we can spend some time evaluating the material) we should ask ourselves about the overall environment of the home: Are we, the parents, in charge of our home? Are our children overly demanding? Do our children take direction without constant fuss/Is there too much negotiation going on in our home? Do our children take their discipline without threatening, etc? Do I constantly need to cajole the children just to run this home? Oftentimes we realize that something is amiss and our children are acting like spoiled brats and we haven't bought them overpriced toys or otherwise monetarily spoiled them. Hence, I do not worry that a big experience or purchase is what will take a child into spoiled-dom.

I am not of the opinion that money is the root cause of spoiled children, although how we spend on our children can play into creating an overblown sense of entitlement. I can think of just as many children from poorer homes as I can from wealthier homes who are spoiled!

Readers, let's hear from you.

Sincerely,

Orthonomics

Resist Using Tragedy to Prompt a Agenda

Words cannot express the deep emotion that so many people feel for the Boro Park family who lost their sweet boy to pure evil. The emotions are shared by Americans nationwide and people throughout the world. The murder was so gruesome and unfathomable, and for those in the Jewish community, the pain is only compounded by the fact that the murder himself is one of us a member of the tribe.

I was surprised to see just how many Op-Ed's quickly surfaced, which is to be expected in the age of communication. But I really think it important to be careful, take a deep breath, take in the pain, and resist using this tragedy to play Navi or promote an agenda. We will never know the reason why Hashem allowed this boy's young life to be snuffed out and to insinuate reasons is incredibly presumptuous, perhaps even damaging when emotions run high. This is not to say that we should not be engaging in individual and communal introspection, each community and each man or woman examining.

I see little productive purpose in an organization coming in and drawing a correlation for the mourners of Israel (and attempting to raise money for their cause). This is an incredible and painful travesty, one for which we should be careful not to point fingers too quickly. And, furthermore (!) there are immediate pressing needs, particularly the important material and spiritual needs of the family in the present.

Now I'd like to say something about the third leg what is being promoted to "boost the kedusha" of Klal Yisael: tznius. (Note: I have no objection to tackling addictions or molestation or even tzniut issues). But, I believe the focus on tznius vis a vis one singular aspect (female dress) is extremely damaging. In this case, it is even more insidious. Mothers everywhere are taking a look at their parenting. They are trying to figure out where more supervision is needed and where freedom is age-appropriate. They are trying to figure out how much to supervise, how much to educate, how much to hover, how much to step back. . . . . are the talk being circulated tells women, mothers, girls that the goal is that we all have to "look invisible."

Let's resist using this horrific, horrific event to promote agendas. Let's step back, allow the emotions and logic to reach an equilibrium, and then perhaps publish editorials.

[Update: also see Rabbi Chaim B. of Divrei Chaim post "Crass" who is right to the point: "

I don't even want to discuss whether anyone can claim understanding of why Hashem would allow a child's life to be taken. To advertise in this way is not a philosophical or theological affront -- it is simply vulgar and crass. It's not a matter of a warped sense of Torah values, but a matter of a complete lack of derech eretz and common decency." Amen selah].

Two notes:

1. I'm turning on comment moderation for right now. Comment moderation has been turned off for now.

2. A note to a particular reader who will likely comment: while I do not normally engage in listening to these chizuk, tznius speeches, I have family that is very into this, so I'm not in the dark as to what these talks consist of.

It is the Way of Men to Pursue Women!

Rabbi Pruzansky of the Rabbi Pruzansky blog has written a column has simply blown me out of my seat: Dating Self-Help. While I do see many merits of 'shidduchim', I have long felt that the manifestations of such has simply emasculated the male population. And, I don't think it's done much for the fairer half either. The rejection of the natural, i.e. men pursuing women in hopes of marriage and building a family, along with any other practices designed to save children and adults from rejection, potential embarrassment, feelings of being different, what have you, have left us weakened when it comes to simply dealing with life and everything life hands to us.

The article is a must read, so head on over to the Rabbi's blog. Following are a few key quotes. I like that the Rabbi doesn't beat around bush and I like that in the concluding paragraph he connects the idea of molding more assertive men to more confident women. Such a cultural change would make forums like this obsolete!

The Gemara (Kiddushin 2b) cites the pasuk “When a man takes a woman [in marriage]” and explains “darko shel ish l’chazer al ha-isha,” it is the way of men to pursue women [in marriage]. It is not the way of men, or shouldn’t be, to enlist a band of agents, intermediaries, and attorneys to do the work for them. By infantilizing and emasculating our males, we have complicated a process that should be simpler and made a joyous time into one of relentless anguish and hardship for many women.

In the realm of dating and marriage, we are breeding Ohn [Korach's original co-conspirator whom was saved by his wife] by the thousands by freeing men from their obligation to pursue their potential spouses, and thereby relegating women to the dependent role of passively waiting to be the chosen one. Why do we do that, and is there a better option ?

Some will argue that the shidduch system spares our children the pain of rejection – but part of life, and a huge part of parenting, is preparing our children for a world in which they will experience rejection at some point. That is called maturity.

Something is not normal, and against human nature as Chazal perceived it, for men to be so diffident, so timid, so Ohn-like, and sit back comfortably relying on others to procure them dates. Young men who would not allow others to choose for them a lulav and etrog do not hesitate to delegate others to find them a spouse.

As well-meaning as the system intends, it must be demeaning and deflating – worse than even the rejection that happens after casual encounters.

As a community we have other options than the false choice of isolationism or promiscuity, and we need to strengthen our young men with the inner confidence to guide their own lives. There are too many people walking around with Y chromosomes who are not men

May Hashem bless with success the work of all shadchanim. But we need to shift the culture away from the passive indifference of the well-connected to the active pursuit of spouses by all, and thereby mold more assertive men and more confident women. That is because more is expected of us – as a nation that is called by G-d for greatness not mediocrity, to be active not passive, to be followers of G-d and leaders of mankind.

Readers, besides shidduchim, what other practices of modern day parenting and modern day chinuch do you see as emasculating men and creating wall flower women?

Boys Will Be Boys

It is nice to see that this yeshiva is working on the issue of boys from the school jumping fences, going onto the rooftop, and breaking the neighbor's windows. And perhaps the surveillance cameras will do the job (so the boys can be expelled) . . . . .

But, pardon me for having an opinion, but this entire approach to raising boys of "boys will be boys"---therefore we shouldn't give them a proverbial kick in the tuchus from the get go, lay down the law, and follow through with consequences when the behavior pattern has yet to be ingrained into the psyche--is completely flawed approach, and one I continually run into. I've heard this excuse too many times from neighborhood parents and educators. And I protest!

Bad behavior (especially behavior that violates the basic foundation of Torah--i.e. do not destroy other people's stuff) should never get a free pass. Many of our boys* need more exercise, more space to run around in, an educations better suited for their energy. But when you get to the point of vandalism and even having to install surveillance video, a generation of young men has been failed. Expulsion is a band-aid after parents and educators haven't done their jobs. What a pity.

We demean boys (read: future husbands and fathers) when we write off their behavior to their gender and give them a free pass--only to let that behavior hurt them later--rather than embracing their characteristics and channeling them appropriately.

*and girls too for the record

Other Ways to Say "I Can't Afford It"

Sometimes we adults use the phrase "I can't afford it" to try to convey the message that we aren't spending on something. We might say it because we cannot objectively purchase such a thing. We might say it because it just isn't prudent to purchase such a thing. We might say it because we simply aren't spending that type of money. We might say it to fill in for the word "no" for whatever reason.

Some believe that using this phrase can induce anxiety in children, and where there are larger money issues I imagine that this can be the case. My own mother used the phrase often enough that when my teachers started talking about college, I was worried that (going away to) college--a near given since there were no Universities within commuting distance--would be far out of my parents reach. I never had any anxiety about my parents ability to afford food, utilities, a home, or many other things from needed shoes to some extracurriculars. But, I was convinced that college was simply out of reach. After all, they said no to so many other things that "everyone" else had.

In my parents defense, had they known that the 8th grade math teacher would try to scare us into higher academic performance by creating fears that if we were not straight A students with a boatload of honors classes and high SAT scores that we would never get into a top public University (we weren't exactly the wealthiest crowd of honor students), I'm certain my parents would have addressed the myths and facts of college admission and affordability sooner than later. Truly they were blind sighted. Being from blue collar backgrounds, they also didn't know that in more middle income segments of society, that the college frenzy begins as early as middle school.

For the most part, we try not to use this phrase in our home. I'm not worried so much about potential anxiety attacks if we were to use the phrase, but the phrase doesn't really work well for us, a middle class family, surrounded by more of the same. I believe that for families like us, the phrase is fairly meaningless to financially dependent children of all ages, if not somewhat deceptive.

We don't live in a time where money (or the equivalent) is visible and understandable. I can't point to the dollars underneath the mattress and explain that the $100 underneath the mattress need to last until the end of the month. Nor can I point to the cow in the backyard and explain that it only gives so much milk and therefore we only have so much milk to barter with/drink. Money is a rather vague concept when day-to-day transactions are mostly electronic. (This is a good argument for using cash as much as possible). Additionally, when credit is added to the picture, it is even more difficult to understand what "afford it" actually means.

Not only is money hard to visualize, there is a good chance that whatever the littler set asks for is actually affordable (so long as we simply define "afford it" in terms of the (electronic) cash being available to us). On top of that, most of us spend plenty and our kids see us spending plenty, and it makes little sense to tell them we can't "afford" whatever ridiculous thing they are asking for when we just dropped three times as much for something else. Where our children do understand that we have the money, I don't want them to think we are holding out, being cheap, what have you, on their accounting, or anyone else's accounting (a related subject is what to say to the myriads of organizations and individuals that call/knock on the door at all hours of the day and evening).

Since I'd rather not throw meaningless and/or slightly deceptive phrases around, here are some other ways to say "I Can't Afford It":

• "Just Say No." (E.g., NO I will not spend $600 on a pair of glasses frames. Period. End of sentence). Watch for an upcoming post for which this very subject.
• Say no while explaining why you don't want the item in the home period. (E.g., No I will not buy you a [fill in desirable toy or fashion] because we don't want this item in our home. . . ).
• Say no and explain that the price charged is beyond its value and invite the child defer their gratification and to search for a better value. (E.g., $60 is a lot to pay for a pair of tennis shoes. But they are nice, and I bet that if you watch the sales, that you can find the same shoes for $30).
• Point out that they can get much more for their money if they go somewhere else, (E.g., I see how much you like board games/craft sets. I bet you could get four games at the thrift store/consignment shop for the price of a single game at the department store).
• Just state the rules: "When we go to the grocery store, we are only going to buy what is on the list." "You are welcome to pick out whatever produce you would like for your lunch this week, but remember that we only buy produce that is $x per pound or less." "That is not in the budget for this month." Of course, if you state the rules, you should be prepared to stick to them too.
• When you do make a large purchase, say a newer car, mention that the car was purchase because everyone passed up things they wanted, leaving money available for such a big purchase.

Readers, what things have you said in place of "I can't afford it"? What things have resonated with your children? What other things have you said that you won't try to say again.

Underscheduled?

If you read my post "To the Exclusion of All Else", you will see there is a thread of relation between this post and that one.

I personally cannot relate to this constant push for more and more programming for children. Granted I am not yeshivish, but be it Torah or more hours dedicate to in classroom general studies, or additional extracurricular programming, I object to the idea that we need to occupy every moment of the lives of children and teenagers with scheduled programming. Ultimately increased learning of Torah or any other subject or increased performance in music, the arts, or sports has to come from internal motivation. I'm very taken by people who develop a skill and take it to a very high level. For the most part, I don't believe that the development of such a skill is increased because of mandatory scheduled programming. Additionally I worry about the lack of time for families to enjoy quantity time together.

Unfortunately the following excerpt from this week's Yated reinforces a gut feeling I have that there is a mistrust (by some in the education field) of parents and the children themselves. Additionally, I think it naive to believe that children will always make the choices we'd like them to make even if we attempt to occupy their every making moment. In fact, I think such can backfire because they will miss opportunities to discover areas of interest and occupy themselves in their interest, something best done outside of a large group of peers.


SUNDAYS: A DAY OFF FOR GIRLS?
These great strides [institution of Sunday programming for boys], however, do not absolve us from seeking further improvement. It has been repeatedly pointed out that, thus far, there has been one group that has, by and large, been excluded from the newer, more spiritual Sunday group. That group is our school-aged girls. It is common knowledge that girls, unlike boys, do not have a mitzvas asei to learn Torah at every spare moment. Therefore, the thinking goes, they do not need school on Sunday. From a pure halachic perspective, that is true. However, the more pressing question arises: What do they do with their time when they are not in school?

School, besides its primary focus of educating girls, also provides a Torah-true atmosphere where girls can interact and grow together spiritually. What about Sunday, when there is no
school? Many a mother will relate how difficult it is to keep their daughters happily occupied in an atmosphere that does not contradict the values that the home and the school seek to inculcate. Boruch Hashem, there are schools that have implemented some form of class on Sundays. The majority, however, still has not.

Many educators have complained that on Sundays, the malls, the main shopping areas and the eateries, as well as questionable venues of entertainment, are disproportionately filled with girls from our best Bais Yaakovs.

Of course, there is a need for shopping, but this steady exposure to questionable places of entertainment or shopping can have a corrosive effect on our daughters, the future mothers of Klal Yisroel.

The Gemara explains that idleness brings to foolishness and immorality. One full weekday of idleness each week can have truly troubling consequences.

Of course, girls deserve some time for themselves and mothers deserve, and should have, their daughters available to help them at times. Still, an entire Sunday is not the solution. If help is the issue, Friday would be a much better choice for a day off. If the issue is the need for time for themselves, perhaps Sunday afternoons could be given off.

Certainly, it is high time that our girls are constructively occupied on Sunday in a spiritually conducive atmosphere that will prepare them for their future roles as the mothers of Klal Yisroel.

I've Had an Unfortunate Misunderstanding Too

There is a story on VIN News stating that a former story detailing an attempted abduction wasn't really really an attempted abduction but rather an "unfortunate misunderstanding." According to official reports, the Hispanic suspect, who stepped out of his car and grabbed a 10 year old boy by the arm, wasn't attempting to abduct him, as onlookers suspected. Rather, the man was reacting to the boy darting in front of his Jeep. His reaction was to step out of his Jeep and yell at the boy while grabbing him by the arm. Commentors seem to agree that touching the kid is completely unacceptable. Personally, when a kid steps in front of my car, I get really hot under the collar. It is very scary to nearly hit someone.

This story reminds me of something which happened to me when I was single and in which I learned the 11th commandment: NEVER (especially with any physicality) are you to discipline another parent's child. This rule was reinforced to me again when I became a parent and, while our two toddlers were in my line of vision, I told my friend's son to stop immediately as he went in to bite my son (again). I was quickly told by my friend that discipline best comes from a parent and that she would appreciate it if I didn't attempt to discipline her son. Being that the kicking and biting was all too regular and I didn't feel the time-outs were working, I decided to put a hold on future play dates because it seemed to me ,that without being on the same page with the other parent in light of this issue, we were better off seeking other friends.

When I was single, I was at a Friday Night Shabbat Community Dinner attended by around 80 individuals. Somehow, I ended up seated at a table with one other single (male) and a group of boys who probably averaged 10 years old. The boys were nothing but rude, speaking loudly and rudely whenever they pleased, and the Rabbi couldn't seem to get a word in edgewise. From the looks on the faces of the adults who were our parents' ages and older, it was obvious that they were quite embarrassed and very annoyed (I confirmed this to be true at the conclusion of the evening).

So we two single adults and all adults who were in the grandparent age range were watching the table where the parents of these boys were sitting. Everyone seemed to be waiting for one of the parents to walk over to the table and escort the misbehaved boys out of the room. One mother kept giving her boys the cut it out hand motion, but wasn't approaching the table, so it wasn't really helping. The adults of grandparent age kept shooting looks at both the boys and the parents, but this too wasn't getting the job done.

Finally I turned to the other single at the table (we were most annoyed since we kept getting kicked in the cross fire under the table and I was frankly tired of telling the boys to be quiet and being rude to the speaker) and said, "I think I am going to have to get this job done." So I grabbed the worst of the culprits by the arm (lucky this was an MO community or I might have found myself in hot water for tzniut issues) and attempted to take him escort him from the room. As soon as I tried to move him, he started kicking and thrashing and the other single stepped in to help me transport him.

The next morning I was pulled aside by the parents who were sitting on their sidelines as the boys interrupted the speaker, and I was informed that what we did was completely inappropriate and that discipline should be left to the parents. I just nodded. The consensus was clear. (Later I had another incident where some of the boys were eating the kiddush food I was trying to set out, when approached, the step-father of one boy told me that this kid wasn't his responsibility. . . perhaps you shouldn't take him to shul with you then?)

At this point in my life, I really don't bother to try and step in. Recently there was another incident involving a group of girl bullies to which I was witness when leaving the park with my own kid that I related to a friend over lunch. My friend told me that she would have grabbed the a bully or two by the hands and walked them over to their parents so they could take care of the issue.

I agreed with her that this should have taken place and encouraged her to not loose her instinct. Years ago, I might have done the same thing. But today, I find myself more weak in such matters. I most certainly want other parents to call my kids out if/when they are behaving badly, but I don't feel as though I can call out other children without some type of repercussion; the worst repercussion being accused of something criminal by a parent that militantly believes you must NEVER touch a kid who isn't your own, which is sometimes the only way to gain compliance. So I mostly don't even bother to even try. It seems pointless to approach other parents who aren't on the same page about issues of behavior, especially where they are more socially respectable (which they usually are). But ultimately it just isn't just.

Also see Perfume Shops vs. Garbage Dumps. I guess child rearing is on my mind again.

Perfume Shops Vs. Garbage Dumps

I was joking with my husband about just how long it would take for someone to pen a letter to some frum publication about the horrible behavior witnessed on a Chol Hamoed trip, and it didn't take long for the subject to rear its ugly head. YWN has a letter regarding bad behavior witnessed at Great Adventures. It is all the regular stuff: trash strewn all over the place, pushing and cutting, general rudeness, disregard for safety rules, leaving a 2 year old to watch a baby. . . .you know, the regular fare. Likely those who can't function within society in a manner that doesn't draw negative attention and reaction are in the minority, but they are a very loud, seemingly large, and annoying minority.

And this is exactly why we pass on large organized chol ha'moed trips! That, and the fact that I prefer to spend family time with my own family, not with my neighbor's brother's nephew's Rebbe's mechutanim's grandchildren.

There is a commentary on on sentence in Dayeinu which I have seen in numerous places and which probably came home in a Haggadah produced in school about the value of simply being in an environment of taharah (i.e. the perfume shop) rather than being seeped in an environment of tumah (i.e. the Garbage Dump). At the sedarim, each elementary school child repeated this commentary and the pshat that I believe your average Yeshiva/Bais Yaacov student walks away with is the importance of insularity within the klal and the importance of avoiding the contamination of the outside world. Organized Chol Hamoed trips to the amusement park are attractive if you are concerned about short shorts, bikini tops, and teenagers that can't keep their hands off each other. But I have plenty of concern about the environment within our own klal which keep me passing on such trips, to say nothing of more regular activities.

I wonder if the kids who are learning such commentaries will ever consider the commentary beyond the message of inside=good, outside=bad. But within the inside, there are plenty of messages, subtle and not so subtle, that our kids are picking up and that I believe has resulted in a lot of the mess we see too often see today. I don't spend a lot of time at this point in my life worrying about the outside world. Simply put, my children's access is rather limited, and just like my parents who have turned off a movie right in the middle when an unexpected scene popped up, I'm more than happy to "pull the plug" too. But what about the messages that they are getting that we might not even know about? For example, I read a book in a family member's home that I believe is marketed to the pre-teen girls which was, quite frankly, appalling and age-inappropriate. (In the unnamed book's defense, my husband believes it is perhaps targeted to an older group, which doesn't exactly instill confidence in the reading level of whatever group is targeted, nor would I care for my teenager reading the book either). Nonetheless, just because something is published by a known frum company, doesn't put it in the "Perfume Category" by default.

Back to just downright pushy and rude behavior (I've been on the receiving end of plenty too), many would like to blame the outside world, but I think these issues are mostly internal issues and those of us who are concerned about the underlying issues that lead to "chillul Hashem" should start by taking a look at the Perfume (and the Garbage) in the shop. When we got married, we didn't know too much about the local schools, but there was an assumption that we would probably take one path over another. But along the journey to enrollment, I've seen a lot and had numerous interactions that led to a different path. While there will always be issues with students no matter what the environment, my main concern is how issues are dealt with. E.g., at some point, a student will damage or deface property, but how will staff react? Will staff and administration ensure that those responsible for the damage be responsible for rectifying the situation, or will they take a "boys will be boys" (and there is nothing we can do about it) position? Does the administration treat each subject and each staff member with the authority they need to manage a classroom, or are certain teachers treated with lesser importance? Are students expected to keep the school clean and neat, or there an assumption that this is what the janitor is for? If a student is caught, red handed no less, committing a crime of some degree, does the administration coddle, or make sure restitution is made?

A lot of the behavior that the letter writer notes is behavior I see right in the halls of local schools, in shuls, and in homes. It doesn't surprise me that park workers' instructions are ignored, such behavior is ingrained in too many students as basically have permission to ignore certain teachers, subjects, homework, start times, and deadlines. It doesn't surprise me that trash is left everywhere, too many schools and homes for that matter are treated like a trash dump. I was once at an event in a public school where the kids literally threw their trash on the floor. When the kids were asked to help clean up, some of the mothers took their daughters by the hand and left! Lots of parents talk about just how difficult it is to have guests with younger children for Shabbat because their parents are unwilling to discipline and it always results in a big mess, broken toys, and sometimes even broken bigger ticket items.

The letter writes notes " a park show was cut short because the people in the audience were speaking very loudly, and walking around incessantly." Spend 5-10 minutes within some of our schools, camps, or extracurriculars and I guarantee you that you will find students who feel free to just up and leave. Walking around incessantly, that too is being ingrained in their muscles! I can't find the link, but there is a blogger who had children in public schools and then enrolled them in a day school and found the just up and leaving in the middle of class to be a most shocking difference. I couldn't agree with her more just how shocking this is, and nearly everyone I know who attended a regular public school also finds this to be an issue. But, when I've had the chance to speak with administrators and teachers about the up and leaving issues, as well as open truancy, it is as if I live on a different planet.

And maybe I do! On my planet, I take standing in line and waiting your turn patiently, treating people and property (!) with respect, and sitting on your rear in class for respectable stretch of time to be absolutely imperative. I know I'm out of step.

And on a final note, perhaps what Great Adventures need is my parents to monitor! I remember a trip to a well known park when I was right around middle school age in which a few unsupervised teenagers cut in our line. My parents told them in no uncertain terms that they were to step to the back of the line immediately, and (today this might be surprising), but they did so pretty quickly. Today, kids as young as 3 know how to say "you can't make me." I said a lot of snarky things growing up, but that wasn't one of them, nor was "you can't tell me what to do, your not my Mommy" because, uh, whatever another adult or teacher could dole out would be nothing in comparison to what might happen at home, so it was best to avoid finding out. Naturally, I was as embarrassed as could by some of the more memorable moments with my parents (how uncool they were), but as an adult I really respect parents, adults, and teachers who know that they are in charge. I wish I could be stronger, but today, asking a kid who knocked right into you (7 months pregnant, mind you) right in front of his mother because he was running around wild right under her nose, just garners you a nasty look from the mother that says, "how dare you?" So there is a real uphill battle. My father used to tell me that when he was a kid, other parents felt free to take a hand to the rear of their son's friend and then walk him back to his home where his father could take care of the rest (this really happened to my father on an occasion or two, but likely not three). Today, we parents (and teachers) live in fear of even saying anything, much less doing what I am told is completely improper (disciplining your own kid in a public place). Until that changes, look forward to a repeat letter come Sukkot.

Pushers

My vote in answer to the YWN letter writer's question is the police (I do want to believe the letter writer is just pulling legs with this letter. I've never seen drugs laid out on a lunch table in the really rough public school I attended for a summer. Smokers, (drug) users, and dealers had the sense to go across the street, a place I sure as heck wasn't going to).

1) the police because they are the only ones with the authority, capability, and know-how to take care of the PUSHER(S). There is no doubt in my mind that a drug dealer is a rodef. I have life experience to stand on as well as some professional experience. But those who are uncertain are more than welcome to ask their Rav. While I don't care in the least for users, PUSHERS are a different sort of animal. Drug pushers are the ones who entice the young and seek to addict them. PUSHERS infect a community. And PUSHERS are often entangled in a messy and dangerous web. I wouldn't approach a pusher directly. I would absolutely seek professional advice from people who understand the drug trade and have some experience regarding pushers and dealers.

I can't remember ever commenting on the Japan bochurim case, but let's not forget that behind those boys was a grand PUSHER. Millions of tzedakah dollars and a lot of energy has been expended by kehillot all over the world regarding that case. A shame that the PUSHER was allowed to operate in at least somewhat of an open manner.

As for telling a Rebbi Parents, and Menahelim, I'd say that they should all be informed too, but probably after seeking the advice of the police (even if you don't involve the police, I think you can still call the police department to ask for guidance). It is hard to know how enmeshed in the drug trade the boy with the scale is and if his point of access is coming from within the community or from the outside.

One thing that I know should NOT be done is to approach the boys directly to befriend them in hopes of "changing their [lives]." Save you compassion and chessed for issues you understand and have the capability of dealing with. As my parents told me before going into high school, [and I'm dating myself, so younger readers, don't feel bad if you miss the reference], "you are not to go near, talk to, or be friends with anyone who wears a beeper." These kids had drugs and a scale out of the table. That is the signal to stay away! You aren't speculating about the use of the beeper. It is right in front of your face. I think PUSHERS are best dealt with by the police, but a person is welcome to talk to the baalei simcha hosting this mess, the wedding hall director, the (kashrut) mashgiach since the boys brought in outside drink, the boys parents, teachers, and menahelim. But befriending the boys; I give that the royal thumbs down.

Power to the Parents

I often receive notes and comments from readers about my blog making a difference in their budget, perhaps they dropped a service they had previously through was necessary or have changed some spending habits for the better.

Today I received a note from a commentor who had a moment of hashgacha who took the message regarding culture in the last post and took some ACTION. You did the right thing Mom and I'm sure that your son with thrive outside of his current Yeshiva environment with parents who are willing to take action and do the right thing.

I hope that this blog and blogs like it help to change the culture for the better.

Comment below:

This post is hashgacha pratis. My son was assaulted in his right-wing yeshiva dorm last week for the second time this year. He said the wrong thing to a kid and was hit in the eye, has lacerations on his forehead. Worse, he was held down and poked in the butt (clothed) and called gay.

The menahel has done nothing. He told my husband "it's just boys." There is NO dorm supervision during the day. We are outraged by the lack of concern from the school. In fact, they are trying to make us seem like over-protective parents.

I'm so ashamed to say we were considering sending him back to finish the year as we don't want to send him out-of-state, or home-school, but after reading this, it is clear. We're pulling him out immediately. His yeshiva career may be over for mesivta (he's 15), but he will learn REAL Yiddishkeit with caring tutors.

I have to say, I have slept better having him home for the last week than I have all year. That should tell me something. This has been the worst experience for us and has given me such a feeling of revulsion for the frum community that supports this Chillul Hashem.

Horrifying. . .And, yes, Hold The Tuition

A link to this thread on Imamother came through my Google Alerts. A mother has an 8th grade son who is being bullied. No, this isn't your run of the mill teasing or even rough housing. The boy has suffered damage to orthodontia (I never broke any orthodontia, and if anyone would have been able to pull off that feat, I guarantee you, it would have been me) and had a chair thrown at his head, both incidences requiring doctors visits. The boy has been locked in a closet during recess. Additionally, when the boy stood up to give a presentation in class, he was laughed every time he went to speak, and eventually the teacher just asked him to sit down. Oh, and the menahel is not returning messages now.

What is the mother's question: should she stop payment to the school (a step she labels as "super-drastic"), especially before high school applications have gone out.

My long time readers know the one crisis I have been certain exists is a "parenting crisis" or perhaps a "sechel crisis." If you read the responses to this mother you should be able to see this crisis is *not* imaginary.

Other women seem to agree that it best to lay low until high school acceptances are out. Another woman recommends perhaps sending him to an Out of Town Yeshiva (I'd say the last thing you should do is take a kid who has been bullied since Kindergarten and send him out of town to dorm where your contact with him will be limited and where, quite frankly, there will be a new set of animals to deal with!!!). First, put first things first. Where a kid ends up for high school is not important at this very point in time. Quite frankly, you'd be better off finding the best public option out there and enrolling your child there. I went to public schools from 1st grade on, including one summer school program for which there was a daily fist fight, and I cannot imagine administration not acting, especially after a visit from the parent(s). I believe the teachers and administrators were l'sheim shomayim when it came to combating bullying and violence, but at the very least they understood the word LAW$SUIT.

Second, stop outsourcing chinuch. The reason the parents sent to this school was based on the reputation of a "stronger" limudei kodesh program. The principal of the school has recommended social skills training for the boy and that the mother should dress him in "cool clothes" (both suggestions other mothers agree with). Is it not obvious that the school is ill prepared to handle chinuch, reputation notwithstanding? I had my fair share of incidences of bullying growing up (nothing like what is taking place here), and in each and every incidence that became public, the instigator had his/her feet held to the fire. Not once was I told to get a new wardrobe, and it might have been nice to be slightly more in style. Also, "in my day" parents didn't just contact the school when they needed to step in (and parents weren't particularly prone to step in either!). If there were real issues, they made some of their own calls to other parents. Naturally, you will run into a parent that seems to believe in the "Lord of the Flies" method of chinuch. We eliminated one school because too many parents and teachers we have had contact with seem to believe in this method of child rearing.

Third, many of the mothers seem to believe that bullying is a lifelong problem, so he might as well learn to deal with it. This sentiment says a lot more about the insular communities "we" live in than it does about life. My own experience, and that of others I have spoken to, indicates that bullying reaches its high point around the middle school years and continues to lessen as each year goes by. Sure, there are bad bosses and bosses that bully. But, bullying should not be a lifetime problem. And if people view it as such, it is time to take a good hard look in the mirror because something is terribly wrong. And, yes, something is terribly wrong. It seems we have a number of adult bullies prominently situated as is clearly indicated by the comments of what could happen should the mother call the police, what could happen if the parents stop paying tuition vis a vis high school admissions.

Just to make one thing very clear, I am a bit of a tougher parent and I tend to think this generation of parents is over protective, denying their children some valuable opportunities to work out some issues on their own, experience disappointment, and grow a bit tougher. But this is horrifying and a parent that stands by worrying about tuition and high school admissions is negligent. My blood boils reading this threads. Have we lost all sechel? High school admissions, worrying if it is proper to withhold tuition, warnings about mesirah should the mother call the cops re: physical assault. Feh!

Regarding withholding tuition. . . . . I don't even see the question. It is a basic responsibility of a school to provide a safe environment where a child can be educated. The breach of contract happened when the desk hit your son's head, when the teacher told your son to sit down rather than deal with his classmates who heckled him every time he tried to speak, and when the principal suggested "cool clothing." There is very good reason to pursue legal action against the school and receive a judgement for all tuition paid + medical, dental, and therapy. The school should be so lucky that you are only considering pulling him out.

Leave turning the cheek to other religions and nip this in the bud. You can file this under the strange worship of yeshivot.

Rav Henkin on Family Planning

Hat Tip: A reader (thank you!)

Hirhurim has an informative post, written by R. Ari Enkin, summarizing the positions of Rav Y.H. Henkin on family planning. Footnotes include the views of other known poskim. Some commentors, scholars in their own right, have criticized the post, because it features a "lenient" position of one Rav and readers might misconstrue such a position as a psak for them.

I am not a scholar, nor do I play one in cyberspace. I am just an Orthodox woman who is perhaps coming from another angle. So, please allow me to speak. I believe the predominant school of thought that receives play in the Orthodox world is the view that family planning, birth control, etc is simply assur except under exceptional circumstances. Many women, even women married for more than a few minutes, do not know that their own local Rav/Rosh Yeshiva/Rosh Kollel not only allows, but sometimes even encourages, couples to space children/use birth control/etc. If they find out that Rabbi X gave a heter (for lack of a more suitable term), even for rather exceptional circumstances, they will express their surprise. I believe that there are many women who would be well served by understanding that the Torah approach to p'ru u'revu is not cut and dry, just as many other areas of halacha are not cut and dry.

Personally, I don't see the danger in laying out what issues might possibly constitute a reason for engaging in family planning in the free marketplace. Rav Schachter and other Rabbonim also do not fear laying out their ideas in the free marketplace. Listen to Rav Schachter on "being reasonable" regarding having children. As it stands now, many people "self-poskin." Sometimes they are afraid of asking a question, believing they will receive a "no" for an answer. Other times they are embarrassed that they are even entertaining the idea. Sometimes they just assume the answer is no, and engage in practices that are perhaps more problematic. I can only speak for myself, but understanding the parameters of halacha has not caused me to constantly lean to the left and always taken the lenient position. Rather, it has given me a basis for understanding when we should consult with the Rav and permission to not feel like a sinner for not having the capability to have "whatever Hashem gives." Just recently, I features a story about families turning to abortion. Such a story should, at the very least, give us pause regarding the appropriateness of allowing families to know what "lenient" positions exist in the halachic framework.

The view I have heard expressed more than any other regarding having children is that birth control is NEVER allowed for financial reasons. The footnotes in the article indicate that this may not be the case. Personally, I wish people would stop shouting this line from the rooftops. From the perspective of a person who writes about finances I think I can safely say that behind many financial issues is a larger shalom bayit issue.

I like the free marketplace of ideas and I comment Gil Student for publishing such a discussion on his blog, which is probably the premier Jewish blog.

Nothing Outrageous About That!

Hat Tip: A reader who pointed me to Rafi of LifeinIsrael blog. Thank you!

Kollel Guy is calling out a Bais Yaakov administrator who, in the course of negotiating tuition obligation of a family in which the father learns full time, tells the father “It’s time for you to leave kollel, get a job, and pay tuition just like anyone else.” I simply don't see what is outrageous about this at all, unless, of course, you have a super-sized sense of entitlement that is!

Kollel guy goes onto explain why the rational is so outrageous (Cliff Notes for those not suffering from a super-sized sense of entitlement). He explains that a school's success is dependent on the makeup of the student body and that "Kollel families generally are of a higher caliber, and raise the overall standard of the school." He continues on that kollel families have higher standards of chinuch and that they don't cause jealousy by going to fancy hotels for Pesach and mid-winter vacation.

I don't know what alternative universe Kollel Guy is living in, but you would have to be naive to believe that having a high number of kollel families automatically equals better chinuch, and you'd have to be extremely naive to believe that having a sizable group within a community that is seen as a "drain" on resources does not contribute to a significant amount of resentment and jealousy. I certainly appreciate how many kollel families have given of themselves to help build Torah communities. But, let's not go overboard here. I'd suggest that KollelGuy spend an hour on the playground, a day in the classroom, or better yet, an hour in the halls of a yeshiva on the yomin noraim. An overemphasis on the material is responsible for many issues. I'd say lack of money, dependence on community, government, and/or parents, coupled with potential attachment issues from early childhood, has been keeping many a school social worker busy and is eating into some of the moral fiber of the kehilla at large, as we witness here when someone dares utter a commonsense suggestion to a father with elementary aged children.

Bottom line: it costs a lot of money to run schools and shifting the burden onto everyone else has reached its useful life. Kollel Father. . . . . . it is time to go out and work and/or become a SAHD/homemaking father if that choice makes more sense in the short term. It is your obligation to mechanech your children, not the Bais Yaakov principal's job.

[Incidently, there are many commonsense posts at KollelGuy's blog, including How NOT to Support Children and a discussion of working part time/learning where money is not of particular concern].

Entertaining Him

CLIMBING THE TABLES
Dear Editor,
I don’t know if this is the right address for this question. I have a healthy 18-month-old boy who is climbing tables and chairs and is getting hurt from falling down. We tell him not to do so and we try to distract him with other things, but we need more and better ideas. We are in need of age appropriate toys and activities.

We don’t send him to a babysitter, so he needs to be entertained the whole day. Please, fellow readers, share some advice or the name of someone, such as a mechanech, who can assist us in this regard.

Thank you.
Z. M.

A parent writes into the Yated this week looking for ideas on what to do regarding a very active 18 month old. Some kids are more active than others and there are plenty of ways to deal with active children. But I want to look at the highlighted part which is something that is so prevalent in child-rearing to day: the belief that children need to be "entertained."

I believe the first time I ever heard of the concept of entertaining children was when my first was turning two and talk of nursery school ensued. Being that I was not sending to nursery, I was regarded with a bit of curiosity to put it politely and a few first time mother friends asked me, but how are you going to keep him entertained *all day*? I think I was as confused as they were. It seemed as I had uncovered a generation gap, or at least a cultural gap, either being possible since I was a bit older and haven't acculturated into this mindset.

Now when I get the question of how I entertain my kids all day I answer very simply that I don't. Additionally, I believe that the approach that I need to "entertain" my kids is counterproductive, especially because the underlying assumption appears to be that kids must be stimulated continually. I think the 614th commandment is one that makes "boredom" assur.

My own approach to child-rearing is to go about all of the many things that need done and to let my children either participate in these activities (e.g. bring me silverware from the dishwasher to put away or clean a window with their own rag) or to find their own activities. Where they are not productively busy, I will try to direct their attention to something that would be interesting to them or assign a task. If things are really out of control, I've found that a change in environment can make a big difference. To make this more manageable, I have tried to set up a nice home environment for them and, although I sometimes don't always do a good job enforcing our rules, I do make a concerted effort to ensure that they respect their environment by not taking out too much at a time and putting away what is not in use. I do find myself actively involving myself in the organization of the living area because certain things can end up a thorn in the side if they aren't organized in an age-appropriate manner. I've found that an unruly environment affects behavior levels, while a homey, but neat environment promotes increased focus on the things they choose to do.

I do take the time to read with them and to play games because these are important activities for their development and they are quite enjoyable ways of connecting with a children. But I don't view my primary focus as a parent should be on entertaining them.

I think that this generation of parents with younger children put a tremendous emphasis on "entertaining" kids from a young age on. It seems to me that the stimulation seems to lead to a need for more stimulation. I just can't join the constant play date crowd or the must find things for my little ones to do crowd. I guess I don't have a mesorah for this way of doing things. But I can remember my own mother handing me a rag.

What Messsages are Our Kids Getting?

There was a letter to the editor in a recent Yated that addressed an advertisement that came home from his son's cheder. The advertisement was for a Sunday "fun school" for ages 2-6, or the boys who don't normally attend school on Sunday. The letter writer was disturbed not by the fact that such a school exists, as there are people who do need care on Sundays, but the advertising method. The advertisement stated:

“How in the world is a mother supposed to accomplish anything if the kids are home?”

This feeling, which was put into writing is in no way an aberration. I've seen this thought expressed very openly by mothers, teachers, and other chashuv people and quite frankly I find the expression of such a thought to be rather horrifying. In fact, I was planning a post on this very subject early this summer when a camp director approached me and asked if I hadn't enrolled my kids in camp because of the cost (I believe she had some extra spots and would have been happy to work a deal). I responded that we didn't need to send our kids because I was able to handle the work I do with the kids around. Her response: "but how can you stand them around all day?"

I was taken aback to say the least and wanted to say something like "what are you saying about MY children?" But I realized that she isn't talking about MY kids, but expressing her own feelings and thinking that I would relate. Instead of saying something snotty I'd be sure to regret, I just responded that we have a very lovely time together and that the summer is a great time to do things that are harder when you are on a schedule, which is true. And, I do enjoy my kids, but I'm not superhuman. At time, I feel like kicking everyone out of the house so I can get "something done."

But I find expressing that sentiment so openly to be extremely problematic and distasteful for that matter. Obviously the sentiment is strong enough that a school thinks it is a good way to advertise their program! Psychologists talk about self-fulling prophesies and I find that the more we talk about something unpleasant the bigger the monster becomes. And, our kids pick up on that too. There is a lot of talk about kids-at-risk, antisocial behavior and bullying, tzniut issues, etc. It seems to me that regarding children as a burden is a good way to cause many of the social ills that writers are writing about.

Just something to think about. More on the subject later I'm sure.

Update: Shortly after I had posted this post, I noted that blogger and homeschooling mom Avivah posted some thoughts on the subject "How can you stand to be around them all day?". The comments coming in on her site demonstrate once again that mothers are being told that being around their kids in large doses should make them crazy. My own observation is the opposite. When I'm around my kids in very large doses, such as in the summer, we fall into a nice rhythm. When we are dealing with the regular routine, a lot of tension can arise. It seems this observation is shared by others.

What a Spoiled Brat!!

Hat Tip: Jeremy

I thought I'd seen it all vis a vis entitlement, but THIS tops it all. I'm glad I'm not a social worker with a column in the Five Towns Jewish Times because it would be near impossible for me to maintain any civility towards a wife whose maturation process apparently ended around the terrible twos.

This wife of 10 years and 4 children is beyond petty and vindictive. She doesn't want to go to her in-laws for Shabbat or yom tov because they don't give, give, give to her, her, her. She writes, "I don’t think they deserve to enjoy our company. They haven’t earned it." She is mad as could be because her mother-in-law spends money on nice things for herself instead of skimping and giving that money to her and the grandchildren. This is contrary to her own parents habits. While they are not well-off and always look for a bargain, when it comes to their own children and grandchildren "only the best will do." The wife complains that her husband "doesn’t really see what’s wrong with this situation."

She complains that they can't make it without help because her 5 Towns home, purchased 2 years ago at the height of the market, taxes, and tuitions are out of control. And she wants what "everyone" else has: someone else to pick up the tab.

If she wrote me I would have told her that I think it is a miracle that her husband hasn't divorced her!

The columnist writes:

In many circles today, the focus for many young adults is strictly on getting married, and they let the parents figure out who will take care of what bills. I think that we need to step back and ask ourselves whether this is fair to the parents. Some of them have struggled all their lives to manage their affairs, only to finally arrive at a stage of life where their children are grown and moving out of the house. Is it so terrible if they begin to finally stop working so hard and begin to think about themselves for a change?

Are these parents not entitled to take care of themselves and enjoy a little? Is it selfish for such a mother to finally splurge on herself in a way that was previously not possible? Or should this mother continue to deny herself for the sake of her grown and married children and grandchildren? I’m sure there are differing opinions in answer to these questions.

Differing opinions? Perhaps amongst adolescents, 2-year olds, and grandparents who have issues with their grown children being adults and like to experience feeling of martyrdom.

And quite frankly, I think it is irresponsible for parents to exhaust their own resources propping up a generation that not only can't support itself, but refuses to do so. Kol hakavod to this "stingy" mother-in-law who is treating herself, rather that throwing her money down a black hole.

The columnist also writes: "However, if a young couple is fortunate enough to have one or two sets of in-laws who are capable and willing to help out, they are indeed very blessed."

Personally, I beg to differ. While I don't oppose parents assisting adult children (see Better and Worse Ways to Help Adult Children), I don't see any "blessing" this daughter and wife has received from her parents. While they have made sure that she has "only the best," her husband gets to put up with the temper tantrums, pettiness, and selfishness.

I will say this. . . . . . . after we are done raising children and getting them on their own two feet so they can do the same for their own children, I plan to spend some on us and I won't feel a bit guilty!

Social Ills and Dependency

I have some posts in my lineup on tuition, but I'd prefer a diversion of sorts. (Sorry, it isn't a big diversion).

Rabbi Wein has published a most fantastic article titled No Free Lunch. The economics of human behavior is inescapable and for a long time I've been saying that you can't create a dependency class without experiencing the ill social consequences that come along with dependency. This is why, even if we had unlimited resources, I wouldn't fund my children's every desire, whether that desire be some gedolim card collection or the avoidance of making a living because I simply don't believe it is good for their development. Certainly our sages recognized the dangers of dependency, idleness, over consumption, entitlement, and reversing gender roles.

If I was an Orthodox economist living 30 + years ago when the community embarked upon some of the current practices that permeate the scenery today, I hope that I would have tried to sound the alarm because regardless of the economic climate, many of the practices that are commonplace, certainly aren't commonsense.

Rabbi Wein brings his own touch to the message that you can't have "a free lunch is always present and eatable without later consequences." He touches upon dependency, governmental arm twisting, fraud, dependency, kollel, (lack of) employment, begging, and dysfunction. . . basically all of the Orthonomic subjects we talk about here.

And this story is just so illustrative. Here is what happens when the only "trade" you teach your children is begging:

I am aware of a case where a man who traveled often to collect money solely on his own behalf, when he passed away, the asset that his sons fought about and actually contested in a rabbinic court was his list of donors. A generation brought up to believe that there is no
necessity for it to work in order to make a living for one’s family is doomed to a spiritual and social disaster - and eventual self-destruction. There is no free lunch for anyone in this world.

Classic!

Heed these words and try to spread the wisdom. You can't escape the ills of dependency anymore than you can escape the laws of physics. Of course, there are those in the klal who think frum Jews can escape all of the above.

And, while I'm at it, I can't help but point out another article that relates directly to the subject at hand. The JPost has an article titled "Most haredim want secular higher education, survey finds." The study quoted basically shows that haredim are interested in higher education under certain conditions. Fine and well.

But the interesting part of the article to me is the disparity in desire between men and women: "63% of female respondents said they would, while only 41% of males were interested. "
Hassidim were more open to secular learning, with 59% answering in the affirmative, while only 42% of the Lithuanian respondents said yes.

Note the 22 point difference between men and women answering in the affirmative. I imagine I can't make any scientific declarations as the study did not concentrate on the disparity, but I can't help but think that the men have become far too comfortable with the gender role reversal and dependency. I believe it is a very natural, masculine quality to want to work and support a family. But it seems that normal inclinations have been broken and many men have been emasculated. I can't help but think about the commentary on what the slavery in Mitzrayim entailed. One commentary, as I recall, states that the slavery consisted on having the men do women's work and having the women do men's work.

Also note the difference between Hassidim (male and female inclusive) and so called Lithuanian respondents, a 17 point difference. Here too I believe we are seeing the effects of dependency.

Comment away.

Burning Down The House

Seems everyone is talking about the riots going on in Israel. One moment a certain element was rioting about this, and the next thing they were rioting about that. Personally, I don't think they really care about what they are rioting about, although some of the issues provide an excuse of sorts.

It seems that most are at least somewhat surprised by the events on late. I am well aware that many of these acts are not new, but the scope seems larger and many are concerned and want to see change NOW! Some are calling for boycotts of Eida certified products, others are trying to get gedolim to speak out.

While I am enraged and saddened by the pictures of young men being egged on by older men and young children (!) burning down the neighborhood, destroying property, and creating a living hell for innocent residents and passerby, I have to say that the behavior simply does not shock me any longer. In fact, I've come to expect it just as I expect a few police cars to be torched and overturned if/when the Lakers or Raiders win a championship. (Although I don't expect any Kobe to step in and take their personal funds to replace the damaged equipment).

Wait a second, did she just say that she expects this behavior from any Yid? Has SL fallen off her rocker? (Perhaps). Yes, you hear me correctly, this behavior no longer surprises me (it did at one time). In fact, I find it (at least somewhat) predictable and a result of a failed experiment cracking for all to see. I'm sure an aspiring cultural/behavioral economist or economic sociologist could write an fascinating dissertation on the subject.

Aimlessness + underemployment + poverty + dependency on government and tzedakah + a one-size-fits-few education system + children raised in herds (the most disturbing pictures to me are pictures of young boys out watching the festivities with nary a mother in sight) + a weakened family unit + overseas teenage and post-teenage boys with little supervision thrown into the mix + "the man" [state] who is out to get them + close living quarters + lack of strong leadership (this Rabbinic statement certainly wasn't unequivocal or forceful) + lack of accountability (the government might deport the overseas trouble makers and they have finally decided to file civil suit again the vandals. . if this happened in America I have no doubt police would have went in in riot gear) = a likely potential for a subculture to destroy itself from within. And that is what we are witnessing.

Years ago, I think I viewed Orthodox Jews from left to right as part of a continuum, the speed of media and the images make it rather clear that much of the affinity is perceived. It might be a terrible thing to state during the three weeks, but I don't feel as there is much in common between my community, or most other American Orthodox communities for that matter, and the Mea Shearim community.

But, saying that wouldn't be fair either. It is clear when you read comments on any VIN article (or YWN article, although that "new source" basically steers clear of most articles that put the Yeshivish/Chassidish community in a bad light) that the concept of dan l'chaf zechut, an important concept indeed, can be used to excuse nearly any behavior. And, not just excuse it, but even glorify it. Sometimes I think to myself, do you have to be accused of abuse to be labeled a selfless tzadekes or be accused of money laundering or fraud to be labeled a true tzadik, someone with a great helech in olam haba? And lest you think that it is only VIN or YWN commentators that can twist themselves into a pretzel, have a bochur over and you might be surprised just how a neighborhood boy can take a behavior that a simpleton like me views as unquestionable wrong and it becomes not only permissible, but even a kiddush Hashem.

To round off this post, I think that many of the underlying factors that can cause a subculture to degenerate to the point of destroying their own neighborhood. We have a bit more balance here, although plenty of the pieces of the equation are contributing to issues here at home, but the fact that one can expect a riot over nearly anything should give one pause.

Add your comments. Is bad behavior something you have come to expect, or are you surprised?