What Do I Want? (And Sabbatical Thoughts)

I was up last night spinning with existential angst.

Okay, that's a slight exaggeration.  But I did have trouble falling asleep and woke up early as I was turning around the question What Do I Want?

I did make the list of finalists for on campus interviews for that other job.  (Not it seems the other job at my own university, which would up the angst substantially, but not disrupt my children's everyday lives.)  Although I think it's highly unlikely that I'd take the job if offered, I still think it's worth going on the interview; all the preparation has been a useful--if still unresolved--intellectual exercise in exploring what do I really want to do, what do I find meaningful in the job that I have, etc. etc.  And there ARE conditions under which I'd take this job if offered, because it is in an IDEAL location.  (That is, I see no point in applying for a comparable position at a university located in a place I would never ever under any circumstance fathom moving.  Been there. Done that. Now I have kids.) 

I've been reading a book on negotiation because I suspect I will need to negotiate, having NOT done that well the last time around (the salary offered was higher than the salary I was earning, and, well, I was stupid).  I just got a raise here (a substantial raise, but one that still just puts me in line with my colleagues) but if there is space to negotiate I should.  Because that big raise might not ever happen again, and I have years of being underpaid to make up for.  But I'm also exploring things other than salary that would (a)  make me take the new job, because location is not enough and (b) make me stay at my new job.  This will require a lot more thought, so I'd welcome your perspectives.

Money:  to move, I'd need an absolute minimum of $15K over what I'm making now, because cost of living would increase.  That would not be the deciding factor, but a minimum.  I don't know what's reasonable to ask of my current employer, but I think $5K would do it.

Other things I'm mulling:  student worker and/or GA line; additional course release; summer salary; a way to get out of the overload I'm theoretically doing next year; promotion (if offered the other job, I'd want to go in as a full prof, given my publication record and experience).  Especially for you academic/admin types, any advice or ideas?  This book I'm reading suggests imagining an ideal....and I just can't.

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So sabbatical:  yup, great in theory, very tricky in practice.  I am doing administrative and teaching (honors thesis) work, which means I can never really be OFF.  I'm trying to remember as much as I can that there is a specific outcome tied to sabbatical (a book ms) as well as a state of mind.  Not doing any admin type stuff on Mon/Tues, and limiting to Wed/Fri afternoons is helpful.  Yesterday I was on campus for 5 hours (it could have been more, but a colleague cancelled a meeting).  I was completely drained by the end of it.  BUT I made sure that I had about 2 hours of meaningful deep work before I went in, which helped enormously.  Tomorrow there's a training/workshop I want to attend, but it's 3 hours.  I'll go....and cut out after the first hour if it isn't doing it for me.

Who is Gwinne, anyway?

I've had a number of moments lately, mostly on weekend mornings, that I don't want to get up and face what the day holds (which is to say: a lot of domestic work and wrangling children).  I'd rather stay in bed, drink some coffee, read a book.  In short, I don't want to be a mom.

Understand, of course, this is not regret about having kids or anything so dramatic.

Ana had a post recently about finding herself again, and this is a similar reflection.  I suspect most of you who read here have a pretty good sense of my history, but if not, here's the short version:  I was a good student growing up.  I went to a state school (not the flagship school) because I got a full scholarship (room board, tuition, books, the whole deal).  I was involved in an extracurricular activity that demanded a lot of practice and travel; I won a national championship.  I started graduate school immediately after college (I was 21).  I started a tenure-track job at 28, having already made the decision to have a kid on my own.  I started trying to get pregnant at 29, had LG at 31.  Accepted tenure-track job #2.  Long stint as fertility patient.  Tiny Boy, tenure, book publication.  Here we are.

The point, I think, is that who I am has been very much caught up in (a) academic pursuits and (b) reproduction and motherhood.  And in fact my scholarly and creative activity have been since about 2011 focused largely on questions of reproduction and motherhood.

I don't remember what internet rabbit hole I went down the other day.  I was going on two hours of sleep.  But I ended up trying to hunt down some folks I knew online years ago, when I first came up with "Gwinne" as a handle.  And I remembered all the hours I'd spent (while writing a dissertation, largely) playing around in this particular online community, back in the days before facebook, twitter, etc.  It's not the group that I miss so much but the girl I was.  And I wonder, had I not decided to pursue motherhood at the moment I did....what other interests might I have cultivated?  And what interests should I cultivate now, that I'm out of the throes of new motherhood, sleep deprivation, and going up for tenure?

I like making art.  I don't do a lot of art, mostly because I haven't found a medium I really like that is easy to take out on short notice (water color is good, but it requires a lot of space and stuff).

I like yoga.

I like reading, but reading is so entangled with work that that's tricky.

I like cooking, mostly when the kids are not in the house.

I like watching TV and (I know I've gone on this rant before) don't go for the narrative that TV is bad and there are so many more meaningful ways to spend your time.  I'm sure that can be true, but it's not true for me, and I'm not making 25-42 min of TV daily into a source of guilt.

I like music, though I don't listen to much and might need to change up some habits.

Once upon a time I liked dance (I took ballet and modern dance on and off through my junior year of college).  I enjoy it though I'm not very good at it.

What else?  I wonder about cultivating some of these old interests and finding new ones.  I wonder, really, who I am, when I'm not Tiny Boy's mom....

April Storms

I'm starting to wonder if it's just April as I seem to deal with moodiness in the spring.  In any case, I'm in a funk.  I shouldn't be in a funk.

I have a grant which means I'm not teaching.  I'm writing.  I'm actually getting stuff done.  Perhaps not as much stuff as I'd dreamed, but a reasonable amount of stuff.  Maybe part of the funk is that the semester is winding down?

I am also not a fertility patient.  I realize this has been true for many years now, but sometimes it's worth the mental note.  Tiny Boy is headed to kindergarten.  Also, maybe this is playing a role?

Things with LG are rough.  Some for reasons that have to do with 13.  And some with some pretty big identity issues she's grappling with.  And sometimes it's hard to disimbricate the two.

Mostly I feel like I'm floundering.  I don't know what I'm doing at work.  And I'm really emotional about my chair's plans for the program, even though in practical terms, I shouldn't want to administer the program and if I'm letting that go, well, I need to be okay with what happens.  But I'm not.  And I feel like I was bullied out of something that held meaning...and I haven't yet replaced it.

I have many ways to occupy my time.  Probably too many ways to occupy my time.  But I'm not sure what the right things are.  And I'm not exactly sure who I want to be in this next chunk of my career.

I spent so long in CRISIS mode that it's hard to just be here getting stuff done.  I don't know....

On Being a Academic, Mid-Career

Yesterday was one of those lovely first sips of spring that I associate with end of the academic year. Trees blossoming all over campus.  Warm enough that my students asked if we could sit outside.  I walked from my building, crossing the bridge that separates north and south campus, to the parking garage, thinking about what summer will bring.

I'm still mulling over this mid-career crisis.  This isn't a bad thing.  It's pushing me to think about why I do what I do.  The truth is I like being an academic.  I like teaching, reading, writing, even attending (well-run) meetings.  Mostly I like the particular university (and college and department) that employs me. I recognize that in the general economic climate, and in the particular climate of shrinking professoriate, I have a really good gig.  (I'm underpaid, though less so than I was a year ago, but I still have a good gig.)  It really sucks that having one very loud, very challenging colleague has called all this into question for me.  But the outcome of thinking it through, separate from my dealings with her, not so bad.

Our dean sent out a job posting today for another (new) administrative position for another (new) program.  I don't know that I'll apply, as I need to get a better sense of what the day-to-day job looks like.  I'm not unqualified for it.  And it might allow me to move gracefully into a new phase of my career.  What's very clear to me is that although I do like talking with grad students about their projects, undergraduate education is where my heart is.  But if I'm going to advocate for students, I need to do it in a context where I am supported by colleagues and the upper administration, not challenged.  But giving up administration and returning to the classroom full-time, also not unappealing.  So we'll see...

I'm Feeling...Something

I think maybe this emotion is dread.  Or perhaps we could give it a nice name like ennui.

I've had a really good break, all things considered.*  I've read.  I've watched TV.  I've cleaned.  We went to Florida.  We putzed around the house.

And yet, the emails are (already) piling up.  And I need to schedule the inevitable meetings.  And do paperwork related to embryos in storage (again.  again.  again).  And I need to get back to the business of writing and teaching.

Because the thing about a vacation?  While I was sitting still the world was still turning.

Today my kids are back in school.  And I've done some stuff.  And now I'm contemplating what would make me feel better:  watch another episode of Homeland, read The Woman Upstairs, cook something, shovel the driveway, or something else I haven't thought of yet...






* All things being everyone in my household being ill at some point.

Apparently I Blog When I'm Productive

I have seen my therapist out-and-about in the world twice in the past week or so.  It was sort of inevitable that it would happen eventually; although I didn't know exactly where she lived (now I do), I knew her kids went to the same school as mine and therefore we had to be close.  Turns out she's on my regular walking route; she high-fived me (which was a little weird) for being on a walk, you know, and generally taking care of myself.

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I've been thinking a lot about this thing I'm calling Baby Lust, which is baby lust I suppose, but I think there's something bigger.  Like, I'm at a point in my life that I actually have what I wanted (tenure, babies, books).  So what's next?  Going on a date might be an obvious choice but I'm not sure that's what I want.  But something.  I feel a bit restless.

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I tend to walk at such moments, when my head is spinning.  I wrote the bulk of my dissertation two summers in fits between walks around campus.

*

Today already I have written about 1000 words on a collaborative project and revised at least as many on the next book project and read some stuff so I can write about it tomorrow.  I've also done some follow up "book tour" (ha!) stuff.  And done some basic domestic work and taken a shower (apparently I shower during the day now, as Tiny Boy is holding me hostage at night and mornings are too rushed).

I'm getting a lot done this summer.  And I started thinking about what makes this summer feel so different from the previous.  Let's review:

2009:  miscarriage drama, IVF drama, just in a bad way
2010:  IVF drama, tenure file due
2011:  finally pregnant!  summer school!  tenure drama!
2012:  new baby, not sleeping, whacked in the head with a fan, not sleeping
2013:  not sleeping not sleeping not sleeping, summer school, misc. illnesses, not sleeping

And now I'm sleeping (seriously, this unisom/lunesta plan might leave me addicted to sleep meds but I can actually think during the day so why would I stop).  And the Tiny Boy is more or less sleeping.  And I'm not teaching.  So I write stuff during the day.  And read stuff.  And cook stuff.  And mostly enjoy it.  Except when I'm trying to figure out what I want next...

But right now my arm hurts (ulnar neuropathy, anyone?) so I'm going to stop this.  And read.

Close Encounters

I ran into my therapist yesterday at the public library.

I suppose this is not that surprising.  It's a small town.  Her kids went to the same elementary school as LG.

I've seen her from a distance a couple times at the grocery store, etc.  But I really didn't have any choice yesterday but to walk up to her and say hi.  He's cute! she said, about Tiny Boy, the subject of our many conversations from embryo-hood on.  Enjoy!

Indeed.

Have I said I'm having something resembling a mid-life crisis?  Like, what do you do after you got everything you ever wanted?  Happiness is a strange place to be.

In Which My Selves Collide

I have a date to go dancing with my 27-year-old friend next week.  My idea.

But when we started talking about the logistics...like what time does one go dancing?...well, it seems my hypothetical desire to hang out and be unencumbered clashes wildly with the self who knows that she can't really go to bed past 11:00, much less be OUT IN THE WORLD at that time.

As LG is wont to say, pathetic.

I really do want to indulge my inner 27-year-old...just with no consequences to my actual 40-year-old self.  Hmmm.