Opening Night Correspondence

The season opening post comes to us from an anonymous Canadian guest blogger, who was somewhat surprised to learn that C.C. Sabathia is on my fantasy baseball team.

Dear Theo,

You may recall that I am your most loyal fan. You may also recall that I bleed Red Sox blood and have cheered the loudest of anyone, even in the Jimy years.

You know that a) if you were taller, b) if you were Catholic, or c) if you were Canadian (because I have a weakness for those), I would marry you or at least bear your children. Having said that, I thought I should come clean, this being Easter and all, and tell you that I have C.C. Sabathia in my fantasy pool.

I know that Jon Lester will probably win the Cy Young award and C.C. is a tad rotund. I just felt like finally having a guy not named Schilling who could win the big game. A guy who causes opposing batters to break into a cold sweat when he takes the mound. Now, I know that Luis Tiant had that effect on batters too, but that was because they weren't sure he was paying attention.

Anyway, I love your new loafers. They really bring out the color in your eyes.

C.C. lover,
K.J.

Dear K.J.,

I have to say I found your marriage entreaties quite inviting. You should know that I can a) wear lifts in my shoes, b)say the Hail Mary and Our Father (Bill Belichick taught me those), and c) think Winnipeg is a nice city.

That being said, I am horrified at your pronouncement and ask that you turn in your Red Sox fan membership immediately.

Regretfully,
T.E.

In my own defense, I let the computer draft for me this year and really shouldn't complain, since I also got Tim Lincecum. But here's my own response.

Dear Theo,

Tell Beckett to stop throwing the curve ball until he can figure out how to keep opponents from hitting it out of the park, and then we'll talk.

Hugs & kisses,
K.J.

Lowell

(With apologies to The Kinks and Ray Davies)

Photo courtesy of Yahoo! Sports

We got him from a club down in Florida
Where they won a World Series but all they wanted was Guillermo Mota
M-o-t-a...Mota

We got him in the deal with Josh Beckett
He cost a lot of dough; we figured what the heck
send us Lowell...(our MVP) Lo-lo-lo-lo Lowell.

Well he's not the world's youngest third baseman
But when he hits those doubles we're all in heaven
Oh Mike Lowell. Lo-Lo-Lo-Lo Lowell.

Well he's not dumb and he has great hands
And when he's throws them out at first we all get up and stand
For Mike Lowell. Lo-lo-lo-lo Lowell. Lo-lo-lo-lo Lowell.

Well he drank champagne while Paps danced all night
Under Granite City's Electric light
He's won two World Series' and an MVP
And he might end up being an MF Yankee

Well we are the world's most passionate fans
and we know what we want; we want this man
Lowell. Lo-lo-lo-lo Lowell. Lo-lo-lo-lo Lowell.
Lowell. Lo-lo-lo-lo Lowell. Lo-lo-lo-lo Lowell.

Don't push him away
Don't let him walk to the door
We're all on the floor
And all on our knees
Sign Mike Lowell now, oh Theo please

Cause that's the way that we want it to stay
And we always want it to be that way for Mike Lowell
Lo-lo-lo-lo Lowell

Youk will play first and Mike will play third
No need to mix up or muddle our perfect world.
Sign Mike Lowell.
Lo-lo-lo-lo Lowell.

Well he was at Disney just a day before
and we never saw him ride the teacups before
But Lowell smiled and played at being Grand
He lead the parade and we all gave him a hand

He might not be a twenty year-old man
But we know what he is and we're glad he's OUR man
And so is Lowell
Lo-lo-lo-lo Lowell. Lo-lo-lo-lo Lowell.
Lowell. Lo-lo-lo-lo Lowell. Lo-lo-lo-lo Lowell.

Photo courtesy of Boston.com

A Top Ten List to Pass the Time

From the home office in Oxford, Ohio, the top ten excuses the Yankees have for being in second place:

10. It's only July

9. Kei Igawa can only pitch effectively in months ending in 'pril.

8. Mike Mussina misses Randy Johnson.

7. The team prefers Liza's version of New York, New York over Frank's.

6. Joe Torre quit two months ago and was replaced by a wax replica.

5. Derek Jeter spent the better part of the first half online voting himself into the All Star Game.

4. ESPN hasn't been paying enough attention to them.

3. They're working on that "lovable loser" tag so their fans will appreciate them more when they do win.

2. Ever since the series in Toronto, strippers don't want to hang out with ARod

and the number one excuse the Yankees have for being in second place:

1. Well, damn, the Red Sox are just an all-around better team!

A Letter from a Friend

Dear Johnny Damon (or can I just call you Johnny?):

You and me, we have a lot in common. We both have World Series rings. We both are misunderstood by the media and the fans. And we both love wrestling!

We're soul brothers. Made for each other. So I was thinking about a way to bring the two of us together. Not in a gay way (although I hear some ladies dig that. Maybe there's some money in it for us?) but like real brothers. And because you're my brother, I have an offer that I know you'll love. What's say you go on TNA with me and David Eckstein? (Hey, he has a World Series ring too! We're like TRIPLETS!)

All you have to do is whack a few guys with folding chairs (Dale Torborg sure can take a hit! His dad is so proud!) and look mean. It'll be fun and we'll make a boatload of money doing it. The people, they LOVE wrestling!

This will give you a chance to show the fans in New York and Boston that you aren't some weak-armed, money-hungry, egomaniac looking for any opportunity to whore yourself out to the masses.

This will give you a chance to show the fans in New York and Boston that even though you throw like a girl and your shoulder and foot are thisclose to falling apart, you aren't afraid to get yourself beat up in a fake wrestling match just to score some publicity and some wrestler-loving ass a week before spring training begins.

It'll be fun.

(And did I mention the money?)

Oh yeah, and Johnny, one last thing, if it's all right with you, the guys at TNA asked me to make sure you don't actually, you know, say anything when you're on screen. Some people still think wrestling is real and we don't want to ruin the illusion with your acting skills.

Hope to see you on Sunday!

Your good friend (but not in the gay way unless we get paid for it),

AJ Pierzynski

Red Sox Survivor: "The Right Stuff"

Welcome to "Red Sox Survivor: The Right Stuff", brought to you by the Boston Red Sox and Champion Ford.

And, now, live from Fenway Park, here's your host, Kevin Millar!

Howdy Sox Nation! It's great to be back in Boston!

You aren't 'back', Kevin. But if you do a good job, I might be willing to make you an offer. We lost about 10 "Fenway Ambassadors" after last season's third-place finish.

Fine! Let's just get this started.

Good man!

Okay, here's the deal. The Red Sox need a right fielder and this game is going to decide who that right fielder will be. We're going to decide tonight WHO has "The Right Stuff!" (giggles) Get it? The RIGHT Stuff? This is gonna be great! We have three contestants tonight. Our first contestant has been in the bigs for ten years. All with the same team. And even though they refused to offer him arbitration, here he is tonight. Ladies and Gentlemen, the original Dirt Dog - Trot Nixon!

::After high fiving, hugging, and a new handshake with Kevin, Trot takes his place in left field::

Great to see you, brother!

I'm just grateful to God for giving me the opportunity to be here.

I had more to do with it than God, Trot.

::Awkward silence::

Aaanyhoo...our second contestant tried playing the outfield in Fenway last year and sucked like one of my babies on my wife's...

Millar!

Yeah, whatever. Here he is, Wily Mo Pena.

:: Wily Mo runs to Kevin and tries to hug him. Kevin punches him in the stomach and Pena doesn't flinch::

Damn! Sorry Bronson, I tried, man.

I'll stand in centerfield...for now.

Just don't try to catch anything, heh-heh! Right Trot?

People who live in glass houses, Kevin. Glass houses.

::sigh:: I'm so unappreciated. Okay, and contestant three is made of glass and probably blows Theo weekly...ladies and gentlemen, D.J. Drew.

It's J.D., punk.

Whatever, D.J. Go stand in right field, but don't get too comfortable. I'll see you after the show. Now, the rules are simple, there are two categories: defense and offense. We'll see who does the best in the field and then take it to the plate. I judge everyone's performance and choose the winner.

This is supposed to be "Survivor". Don't we get to vote?

No. My show, my rules.

Actually, Kevin, it's my show.

Okay, whatever. Let's take a minute to hear from our sponsor and we'll be right back.

::wipes away a tear:: 2004, man, 2004. (shakes his head) Okay, back to the game. My amigo, Manny Ramirez is at the plate and I'm going to throw him a meatball. We'll rate the contestants on how they respond to Manny hitting one out.

I'm ready, Man!

:: Manny hits the pitch to Drew in right field. Drew watches the ball go over his head, Trot runs over from left field, knocking over Wily Mo and smashing himself into the wall. As he falls down, Wily Mo gets a glove on the ball and knocks it into the stands::

:: JD Drew threw out his shoulder watching the ball go by and will be on the disabled list for two months::
:: Trot strained his ass again and will be on the disabled list for two months::

:: Wily Mo wins the position by forfeit::

Man, that didn't go the way I thought it would.

Funny. It went exactly the way I thought it would.

With props (or apologies) to Surviving Grady and The Dugout.

Number Twenty-Four*

When you get older losing your swing
many years from now,
will you still be pointing to the fans you love
waving, smiling, losing your glove?

If you sit out a month and a half,
would you sit for more?
Come on, don't tease us. Please dude don't leave us.
Number twenty-four.

You'll be lonely too!

And if you say the word,
we will cheer for you!

Papi will be there, taking the heat,
when you want a rest.
You can carry water when you play the field.
Wily Mo can act as your shield.

Hitting a double, taking the lead,
who could ask for more?
Come on, don't tease us. Please dude don't leave us.
Number twenty-four.

Every summer we will watch you hit behind you friend David,
Big Papi Ortiz.

We shall scream and cheer!

You get to pick your days,
to sit against the Jays.

We'll send you postcards and drop you a line
stating we love you!
Write letters to CHB and Steve Buckley.
All they do is help kill some trees.

Give us your answer, tell us the score.
Be ours forever more!

Come on, don't tease us. Please dude don't leave us.
Number twenty-four.

*With apologies to Lennon (who didn't really co-write "When I'm Sixty-Four" but gets the credit), McCartney and any of the 'sistahs' who don't agree with the sentiment!