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Sunday, February 20, 2011

Going All Therapy On You

Okay so I have to apologize in advance- this post is probably going to be complete boresville or come off like some kind of lengthy babbling that should be reserved for a therapy session, but I really want to write all this down so I can remember it. My wheels are turning, and I think I have stumbled upon something huge. You all know how much Nick and I love our "popcorn reading" sessions. Lately we have been reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
If you haven't read this book, you must! Even though the writing is a little dry and the couples he uses for examples are annoyingly fictitious (Patty and Peter, Mary and Mark, Craig and Cindy- really?!?!) and he constantly refers to something called a "love tank"... the message is SO good! And it's a quick read. I had been wanting to read this book, and then my hairdresser actually gave it to me randomly. Nick and I both had a huge AH-HA! after reading it, both about ourselves and about each other.

Basically, there are 5 different love languages- or ways in which people express and recognize love. They are:
  • Physical Touch
  • Words of Affirmation
  • Quality Time
  • Acts of Service
  • Receiving Gifts
There is a quiz you take at the back to find out which one you are the most and information about each.

So for example, my primary love language is acts of service. I feel most loved when people do things for me. When Nick helps me out around the house or runs an errand for me, when my mom keeps Lexi for us... that is how I most perceive people showing me they love me.

Nick's love language is physical touch. A hug, holding his hand or a back rub is the way he recognizes someone saying they love him. All this time, I had no idea how much we were miscommunicating and how huge this really is!

So here is a perfect case and point scenario for us. To do something nice for Nick I think, I will stop and pick up the dry cleaning on my way home from work so he doesn't have to. (That's the kind of thing I would want someone to do for me.) I walk in the door with my hands full of dry cleaning, say hi to Nick and go hang the clothes in the closet.

In Nick's eyes, picking up the dry cleaning doesn't show love so the whole thing is lost on him. He is left standing there thinking, man- she can go pick up dry cleaning but she can't even take a minute to give me a hug and a kiss as she walks in the door? I'm thinking, wow- I take the time to go and pick up our dry cleaning and he doesn't even appreciate it?  Just because we didn't interpret things in the same way, neither one of us is really getting what we need.

This has got to be true in all relationships! I wish everyone I knew would read this book, so I could better understand how to show them that I love them. While a thoughtful card may speak volumes of love to one person, it may be lost on another person who would rather have you stop by and spend a few minutes with them instead.

All of this is pretty common sense, but it's totally changing the way I think and perceive things.

At first I was skeptical. But the more I read, the more I started to believe it. I've never given it much thought before, but how do I know that people love me? I knew my grandpa loved me growing up not so much because he was always hugging on me, but because he always took me to my orthodontist appointments.

I knew my mom loved me not because she told me all the time, but because she took the time to do little things for me like make my lunch for school and iron my clothes. 

I knew my dad loved me because he built shelves in my bedroom in college. Now, I look at how hard my dad works doing chores around his house to make it nice for he and Rhonda, and I think- wow! he must really love her to do all that.

What meant the most to me when Nick was sick was when people took the time to bring us a meal and especially when our friends hung up our Christmas lights. All acts of service.

This also explains why I feel  frustrated when I don't get what I need, and how to ask for it better.

All of this crazy talk about languages leaves me wondering what am I missing?

I missed what I was communicating to Nick when he walks in the door and I don't bother to give him a hug or a kiss. To me- it doesn't mean anything but to him it is literally like withholding love. What else am I missing? What am I not doing enough of for other people, because it's not "my language?"

Gary Chapman has written The Five Love Languages For Children and I REALLY want to get that book. How many of my kids at school are missing out on the ways I express my love to them, because they interpret it differently? Plus, when we have our own kids.. oh man- I'll be like an expert at loving them. They will be the most well loved kids EVER.

I'll be all- You know, instead of ironing their clothes and picking up their acne cream so they don't have to (as would be my natural tendancy), my daughter would really love to hear some words of affirmation right about now and I'm sure my son could use some quality time.

And they'll be all- Thank God our parents read that book back in the day and really know how to love us in the correct way. Unlike our peers whose love tanks are only half full, we are so emotionally stable and such well balanced invididuals.

And then we'll make a commerical for Gary Chapman and our well loved selves will ride off into the sunset together.

But seriously- my whole point is- check out the book. It's awesome. I'd be willing to bet you'll walk away surprised and enlightened and with a love tank that's completely full.

13 comments:

Jalei & Lane said...

Yes, that is a really good book. Lane & I read it right after we got married & we speak completely different love languages, but I'm sure most couples do. I'd actually like to reread it. Do you ever find yourself still showing him love through your love language? I do & I know Lane will not appreciate it, but it makes me feel good to do it & I think that's ok too :)

Regina said...

I have heard so much about this book. I am getting it! Thanks for the tip!!

Lisa and Ryan said...

Ryan and I did this through a couple's bible study a few years back. It's definitley a good read and makes so much sense!

emily said...

I read this in Psychology my SR year in highschool (small Christian school), but definitely need to re-read it!

Thanks for bringing it up!

The Lewis Family said...

Love that book! Seth & I read it before we got married. They actually have a friends 5 love languages, too.

Ruth said...

Getting the children's book now! I think it will be perfect with two kids with different personalities!

Courtney Squillante said...

This was a GREAT book for us! And we read it every couple of years- it's good to be reminded! :)

Jade said...

YES!! Marc and I did it before we got married and loved it! This is a great reminder about how I should show my love. Thanks!

Paige said...

Love the book, Zach and Nick have the same love language, you and I have the same love language. It makes it difficult, but at least once you know that you can try harder to speak their language.

Ashley {SP Family TX} said...

I stumbled onto your blog through Ruth Mauppin's blog roll and I must say...I love your blog! Thank you for being open about your fertility struggles. We are going through issues and while we won't know how successful things will be until we try in a few years, it's been devastating to me since we found out over the past few months. I am surrounded by kids and pregnant people so I have no one to relate to and oddly enough, your blog has helped me try to find some peace with the unknown. Your blog is really cute and I am convinced that Ft Worth is better than living over here in North Dallas!

The McWamps said...

I love that book too! we need to re-read it - but I cried when I read what I was - his description was totally spot on! (quality time//babbling brook - married to a still stream)

Anonymous said...

I read this book awhile back. I really loved it! :)
-Carrie

Olga said...

Thanks for reminding me about this book! When I saw your blog I was like wait a minute we read this book (10yrs ago!) We've been married for 13. We heard about it thru a church group we belonged to called Marriage Encounters. I'd like to reread it.