That seems pretty accurate

This post is little more than stealing a page from alicublog, but nobody ever called us original. David Adesnik in the Wall Street Journal, August 26, 2004:

This time around, OxBlog will provide an inside look at how journalists come up with publishable stories about a non event.

David Adesnik on his blog, August 29, 2004:

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! Miss America Erika Harold is visiting Bloggers Row!

If you scroll up, you can see that David talked to Ari Fleischer (remember him?,) and it turns out that Ari agrees with Scooby Doo McClellan's strategy re: 527 organizations:

dodge the question by condemning all 527s.

David did manage to ask Ari a question:

That was when OxBlog asked, "How do you score hot Jewish chicks on J-date? I'm still single and Jewish."

This guy is still single?

You don't say.

Are you in the market for a €55,000 car?

If so, Sadly, No! recommends:

This one goes up to 11 12.

Live from an undisclosed location, it's subliminal softball

Look everybody, it's 43 and 43!

Imagine that! (Link via Katieweb.)

Unleash the hounds

As a public service to our regular readers, the management has a few gmail invites it is willing to send its faithful (and long suffering) readers.

Please email us (address on the right) with your request.

Andrew, bitterness doesn't become you

Andrew Sullivan is back, and the blogosphere's favorite bipolar disorder victim can't control himself:

Meanwhile, the Family Research Council distributes fortune cookies at MSG with the message: "Real Men Marry Women." I guess Jesus and the Pope aren't real men.

Did Sully just compare himself to the Pope and Jesus? Jesus Christ. Trouvez l'intrus, as French people might say:

A. Jesus
B. The Pope
C. Andrew Sullivan

Andrew followed up with this:

Yes, the few times I have attended these shindigs, I've noticed that the Republicans are usually much sexier than the Democrats - especially the men. The people running the show are hipper as well. Odd, I know, given the religious right dominance. But striking nonetheless.

Striking? Ever taken a look at the pictures of an NRO cruise? It's hip to be square we guess. We bet that Yosef fellow is way hot though.

PS: For SullyWatch -- professional liars.

There's a reason some call him the hottest conservative writer on the web!

Although we don't happen to know what that is. Still, over at the Dark Window the inimitable Yosef left this comment:

Damn, Pete. You brought me out of hiding with this post.

"...my county is considered a "swing" district, President Bush won here in 2000."

I didn't know they considered counties swing districts for Presidential elections. You would think both Bush and Kerry would be campaigning more at the local grocery store to win that coveted county's electoral votes.
Yosef | 09.01.04 - 11:05 am |

More on the non hottest conservative writer that prompted the comment here.

Hey, you, are you engaging in any terroristic-related program activities?

Attorney General John Ashcroft, June 3, 2003:

Today’s convictions sends a clear message: The Department of Justice will work diligently to detect, disrupt and dismantle the activities of terrorist cells in the United States and abroad. We will commit every resource to preventing terrorist attacks, and sending those who aid our enemies to jail. Today's verdict reaffirms our commitment to pursuing aggressively the evidence wherever it may lead.

I congratulate the prosecutors and agents who worked tirelessly on this case. [...]

Every victory in the courtroom brings us closer to our ultimate goal of victory in the war on terrorism. The Department of Justice will continue its aggressive battle in the courts to ensure the safety and security of all Americans.

In related news, today:

The Justice Department asked a judge Tuesday to throw out the convictions of a suspected terror cell in Detroit because of prosecutorial misconduct [...]

In a late-night filing, the department told U.S. District Judge Gerald Rosen that it supports the Detroit defendants' request for a new trial and would no longer pursue terrorism charges against them. That means the defendants at most would only face fraud charges at a new trial. [...]

The Justice Department is "concurring in the defendants' motions for a new trial" and asks the court to dismiss the first count of the original indictment charging the defendants with material support of terrorism, according to a summary of the government's filing that was obtained by The Associated Press through the court's electronic access system. [Emphasis added.]

So, are we supposed to be feeling more or less safe now?

Who here is ready to be judged by Josh?

Not too long ago, we wrote some unflattering things about one Sheri Valera, whose claim to fame is that she's never been kissed. You can imagine our disappointment when, in spite of our best efforts, somebody else got credit for mocking Sheri:

This engendered some snide Internet commentary, including on the July 29 edition of the blog Whizbang, where a poster with the potentially subversive handle of "Allah" opines, "Hot though she may be, do we really want a chick who refuses to kiss to be the voice of young conservative America at the convention?"

Then again, perhaps "the Lance Armstrong of professional virgins," which is what we called her, isn't quite New York Metro material. Yet we (with help from Pete M.) had managed to discover Sheri 6 day earlier. So what did we get for our trouble? Well, a one-way express ticket to hell, if recent comments left on our Sheri Valera post are any indication:

Shame on all of you, I know and I love Sheri, she's a good Godly girl. Because she is standing up for some thing she believes in, your making a fool out of her. Remember Christ, remember that He, God, will judge you someday... --Jordan

or this:

Sheri is an awesome Godly young girl and she has accomplished more with her life than you will ever think to accomplish. Jordan is right... You will be judged by God for your comments and you will get no sympathy from me. --Josh

Jordan, is that you? Have you tried giving Sheri the tongue yet?

Conrad Black + Richard Perle =

This:

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Former Hollinger International Chief Executive Conrad Black and other former executives looted the company of more than $400 million, using the company as a "piggy bank" to pay for private jets and club memberships, according to a report filed on Tuesday.

In a filing with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission, a special committee of Hollinger's board described a "corporate kleptocracy" at the top of the company that publishes the Chicago Sun-Times. [...]

The special committee also said that director Richard Perle, a former Pentagon adviser who was a member of the board's executive committee, had "repeatedly" signed off on transactions that were beneath the radar of the audit committee.

The panel said Perle, who remains on the board, should be required to repay the more than $3 million in bonuses he has received from the company. [Emphasis added]

Richard Perle, doing something shady and dishonest? Will wonders ever cease?

Now that's an accomplishment!

Thanks to uggabugga, we find out about George "The W stands for Walrus" Bush's Most Excellent Record of Achievement:

The Accomplishments

Opening Markets for American Goods

Exports have reached record levels during the Bush Presidency. [Emphasis in original.]

Not only is this listed as an achievement -- it's ranked over there at the very top (le numéro un, as we might say back home.) Is it true? What's the answer we're looking for. What is it? It's right there on the tip of our tongue... Ah yes:

Sadly, No!

Surely we jest you say! Surely there's no way that the number one achievement listed by the administration on its web page about said achievements could be little more than meaningless bullshit?

To which we can only say: way.

In 2000, US exports (in millions of dollars) totaled 1,070,980. In 2001, 1,006,653. In 2002, 975,940. In 2003, 1,020,503. (U.S. Census Bureau, Foreign Trade Division, PDF file.)

For the first 6 months of 2004, exports reached 561,105, compared to 525,092 for the first 6 months of 2000. Which seems like things got better, except that adjusted for inflation this is a small decrease in the value of exports, not an increase (see NASA's GDP Deflator Inflation Calculator.)

From 1960 to 2003, the value of US exports declined (in non-inflation adjusted dollar terms) in only 7 years. From 1981 to 1985, in 1998, and in 2001 and 2002 (although 2003 exports were still lower than 2002's.) From 1992 to 2000 exports increased by 73%.

If (if!) exports maintain their current level for the rest of the year, Bush will have been witness to an increase of 4.9% in the non-inflation adjusted value of exports.

That's his number 1 accomplishment on trade according to his web site.

And people call us Bush haters for wanting him out of office.

PS: From 1960 to 2000, the 4-year increases (in %) in the value of US exports: 28.5%, 39.5%, 47.6%, 112.3%, 7.1% (Reagan I,) 48.1%, 43.1%, 38.1%, and 25.8%. As should be obvious, no President has seen exports diminish over a 4-year period during that time. Bush managed to sit by and see them go up by the smallest margin in the last 43 years.

(With help from Blair.)

What would funny and witty commentary look like?

Fortunately, other bloggers answer that question for us:

Now why would that be relevant?

Just when you thought Bob Novak had reached the maximum on the jackass scale:

Among the stoutest defenders of "Unfit for Command: Swift Boat Veterans Speak Out Against John Kerry," the best-selling book arguing that Mr. Kerry lied about his record of service in Vietnam, is the columnist Robert Novak.

In his syndicated columns and on the CNN program "Crossfire," Mr. Novak has lauded the book and referred to veterans who criticize Mr. Kerry - most notably John E. O'Neill, the book's co-author - as "real patriots."

Unmentioned in Mr. Novak's columns and television appearances, however, is a personal connection he has to the book: his son, Alex Novak, is the director of marketing for its publisher, the conservative publishing house Regnery.

In a telephone interview, Robert Novak said he saw no need to disclose the link.

"I don't think it's relevant," he said. [Emphasis added.]

Thanks to Blair for the link.

Not Just the Bullshit

Let's call it the Bullshit de luxe instead. Tamara Wilhite (born Stagmatilhite) writes:

According to the Census Bureau, "The number of Americans living in poverty increased by 1.3 million last year, while the ranks of the uninsured swelled by 1.4 million". Does anyone else notice the similarity to the number of illegal immigrants supposed to cross our border per year?

Really stupid people often have many letters in their names. So does Tamara. Does anyone notice the similarity? Let's continue:

Let us assume that the number of illegals coming in is a mere 1 million a year. Then 77% of the rise in poverty and 71% of the rise in the uninsured is merely from the addition of these illegal immigrants.

If you're keeping score at home (whether you are doing so through back of the envelope calculations or the equally popular lion's share method,) Tamara has just stated that 100% of illegal immigrants live in poverty. She has so much more to say though. So. Much. More.

Since many legal immigrants are college educated or came here for education, we cannot assume that a majority of legal immigrants are here in poverty. [Emphasis added.]

You can tell that whatever motivated Tamara (or her parents) to come to the US, it wasn't education. And since only 27% of Americans aged 25 and over had a college degree in 2003, we can assume that 73% of Americans live in poverty. Hoozah!

It's funny (in a wingnut, I write what I think, not what is factually accurate sort of way,) that Tamara goes to such great lengths with her mathematical proofs when she could have gone to the Center for Immigration Studies (a conservative DC outfit,) which has done what Tamara did, except they didn't just pull the numbers out of their asses:

In 1999, 11.2 percent of natives (compared to 16.8 percent of all immigrants) lived in poverty. [...] Our estimates indicate that of the three million illegal aliens from Mexico, 972,000 (33 percent) live in poverty [...]

Isn't it supposed to be 100 percent? Or at least the lion's share? More? ok:

The high poverty rate associated with immigrants is not explained by the presence of illegal immigrants. Although their poverty rate is high, illegal aliens comprise only an estimated 22.5 percent of persons in immigrant households living in poverty in 1997. ... the overwhelming majority of people in poverty living in immigrant households are legal immigrants or the U.S.-born children of immigrants[.]

Oops!

If we solved the immigration problem by shipping everyone back, our poverty rate drops by a third. It's not a politically correct solution. It might [sic] not even be a practical solution. But it would be a real solution by the numbers.

Pray for us, baby Jesus. Then again, maybe that won't be necessary after all:

Tamara Wilhite is an engineer by day, a wife and mother by night, and writes science fiction in the wee hours to help keep her sanity.

Science fiction? Looks like the joke's on us.

Thanks to The Dark Window for the link.

Sadly, Yes!

Jo Fish tells it like it is:

If there were not such a gang of criminals and thieves in congress, one would almost think this might be seen as the proverbial "smoking gun" in the Abu-Ghraib scandal and they might start an investigation. Sadly, No!

Continued here.

No one said you couldn't enjoy peace and freedom

But do you have to be so fucking high profile about it? The answer better be no:

KABUL, Afghanistan (AP) - The U.S. government warned its citizens to keep a low profile Monday after a car bomb hit a private American security firm, killing up to 11 people in the deadliest attack in the Afghan capital in two years.

Three Americans died in Sunday's attack, according to Kabul's NATO-led
security force, up from the two fatalities initially reported by the Afghan
government.

The Taliban claimed responsibility for the blast at the office of Dyncorp
Inc., which provides bodyguards for Afghan President Hamid Karzai and works
for the American government in Iraq.

Tali-what? Who the fuck are those guys?

Count Rugen: Good heavens, are you still trying to win? You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It's going to get you in trouble someday.

While we were grieving

As earlier posts today might have indicated, we have now made our way back home to Germany, allowing us to go back to being the best darn blogger we can be. (And send Pete M. back where he belongs, i.e. The Dark Window.)

Many things, most (if not all) unimportant, happened while we were away. Here's a summary of things you might (and will wish you had) have missed:

If you need us, we'll be in the corner praying that this is a joke

Because, really:

Confetti that will dropped at the Republican Convention in Madison Square Garden features images of President George Bush (news - web sites), his wife Laura Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney (news - web sites) and his wife Lynne, and the Cheneys' grandson Philip Perry. The pieces of confetti, measuring about one inch in diameter, were photographed in New York Monday, Aug. 30, 2004. (AP Photo/David Karp)

Thanks to Blair for the link.

Well that's a shame

Then again, some of you may conclude that we are stickin' it:

Yes, there's something wrong. I'm tired. Does this mean I'll never post again? Damned if I know. But it won't be soon.

So why aren't they using it?

Yamantaka from xpat.org sends us this proposed banner for Men's News Daily, the home of the hottest young (and not so young) conservative writers on the web.

We like very much.

Wing Nut Porn

Seb's second-best gal has a steamy new column up at the Rant and it seems that she's decided to pour all of her pent-up sexual thoughts into an anti-John Kerry screed based on, well, something very strange. (Lest you think I'm imagining her pent-up sexual thoughts, Seb was pretty clear about them last week.)

Anyway, Marsala seems to have "discovered" an amazing new story about a woman (Lee Whitnum aka Lee Roystone) who purportedly dated John Kerry back in 1990 (when they were both single). This woman made a website where she shared some of her memories of John, posted a few snapshots of the two of them together, and then tried to sell copies of a novel she's written. For the sake of enjoying Marsala's column, we'll ignore all the press her new discovery already received a couple of weeks ago.

Probably the most important thing to bear in mind when you're reading Marsala's column is that nobody on either the Left or the Right seems to have any idea if this woman's website is legitimate. But then that's probably incidental to the grandiose vision Marsala has for her own little Swift Boat attack. It's called Did Kerry Become "Michael" in a Hot Steamy Romance Novel?

An ode to "Michael" from his entwined spiritual lover "Katherine"--

As our spirits melded together upon that fateful Earth Day in 1990, my burning bosom ached and my hot flesh began to yearn into climatically, but unquenchable desire. Especially when you said in French-- with your right eye brow debonairly raised and that ornery, bemused look-- "I served in Viet Nam"...wanna see my big bulging purple hearts you little liberal pot smokin' honey?

Boy, if it weren't for that Vietnam part, I'd swear Marsala was actually talking about Seb...

Whew wee "Michael" you've got a hot past buddy. No wonder you can't make up your mind on the issues, with hot little gal's await'n for you at Earth Day festivals.

Look, Kerry, I know this sounds crazy but some people are actually able to move on after 13 years. Some people even continue to have sex. Others (like Seb) manage to find alternative outlets for all these pent-up thoughts. If you send him an e-mail, I'm sure he'd be happy to offer some suggestions.

Reportedly John Kerry had a fan site, run by a self-proclaiming former lover-- romance novelist and liberal environmental activist-- Lee Roystone, or "Katherine," her code name during their supposed tryst so no one would know whom "Michael and Katherine" really were.

Pretty sneaky, huh?

The devoted romance novelist, Roystone, had a website dedicated to their past time together, but just recently it became disabled. It would seem Google hasn’t much to say about the cache or any knowledge of who author Roystone is. A scam possibly to sell a cheap book? Can't say, but it sure was smattered with pictures of her darling "Michael" and several hate remarks for President George Bush.

In other words, Mrs. Marsala has no idea if any of this is even true but since she thinks it makes John Kerry look bad, she'd better write a column about it.

And what about those "hate remarks" she mentions? I don't remember anything like that in the website itself. Fortunately Marsala doesn't seem too worried about things like facts getting in her way.

At this point our article is interrupted by a book cover:

Now I'll be honest. I think that cover's actually pretty funny. But what moron decided to use it in this article?

Is it Matt Drudge time?

You mean time to print unsubstantiated rumors to get them into the public consciousness regardless of their veracity? Actually, Kerry, you're a little late. Drudge already ran with this story a couple of weeks ago.

Allegedly, Roystone shared pictures of what she called her "John Kerry Scrapbook," along with intimate thoughts about the man she dated for twenty months. Sprinkled within her thoughts were captions such as, he is "a deep thinker and a good listener" and he "is not void in any area" (we won't ask what area). His "amazing brain," Roystone touts, has him being "worldly and well read-- so for Roystone this adds up to "We need him!"

Only at the Rant are things like "good listener," "amazing brain," "worldly," and "well read" considered inappropriate traits in a Presidential candidate.

Isn't it ironic, in the last couple of months how many books and DVD's are coming out bashing President Bush and drooling over John Kerry?

There's something ironic about that sentence, alright, but I don't think the irony falls quite where Marsala expected it.

Evidently "Michael" you had a lasting impact on "Katherine" you've made it into a romance novel. You little macho, suave, French speaking man you. Katherine, how do you say?...Michael you're one passionne' Francais a parlant caresser, so you should be-- le Dictateur.

Kerry, honey, you may want to work on your English before trying to tackle French.

By the way who was the guy on the front cover of the "Hedge Fund Mistress?" He didn't look like John Kerry, his eyebrows weren't plucked, and there were no tell tale signs of Botox or Clairol number 5.

That's an especially weird question considering that it's a naked woman on the cover. Given Marsala's confusion here, I'm beginning to think it's been a really long time.

Her closing paragraph doesn't do much to alleviate that thought.

I think I'll make sure Bill Clinton gets a copy of "Hedge Fund Mistress," he'd probably enjoy reading it, with a fine Havana cigar.

That's quite a fantasy for a Wing Nut. Thankfully Seb gets back on Monday. Hopefully he'll be able to help her out a little.

Kerry Marsala

Lee Whitnum, aka Lee Roystone

How The Bible Predicted A Devastating Blow To Our National Penis

Just in case Kerry Marsala's sex-filled column wasn't satisfying enough for you, I invite you over to the Dark Window where you'll meet a Wing Nut of truly epic proportions. You're just going to have to trust me on this one.