I want to keep this feature going, so, if you have a military story, e-mail me with the subject "Military". Thanks.

* * * *

jamestox (AT3, U.S. Navy) sent this joke in (though it probably has a lot of truth about military life):

From: Attack Squadron XXXXXX-XXXXX

To: Family members and close friends of service members

Subject: Return of service member from at-sea deployment

This letter has been written to give you advance warning of the forthcoming return of your service member, on or about XX December, 19XX, from deployment in the Mediterranean Sea with Carrier Group XXXX, embarked on USS XXXXXXXXXXXXX (CV-XX), a unit of Battle Forces SIXTH FLEET.

Due to the nature of duty your service member has been subjected to, you may find it necessary to "retrain" him for non-deployment life. With your full
cooperation in following the proven recommendations in this letter, your service member's transition back to full, non-deployment "normal" life should be obtainable within a maximum of 2 to 3 years - assuming there are no additional deployments in the meantime.

The following recommendations may seem a bit harsh at first, but your service member will benefit greatly from them and will love you more for your loving care and understanding.

TO HELP YOUR SERVICE MEMBER TO READJUST TO HIS NEW ENVIRONMENT, PRACTICE THE FOLLOWING:

1. Secure (close and lock) the bathroom for a minimum of 23 hours and 45 minutes daily.

2. Put toilet tissue out only once a month (supply other family members with their own rolls during the readjustment period).

3. Limit the service member's water usage to a maximum of 30 gallons per day (to include laundry, dirty dishes, car washing, and lawn/garden watering for the entire household, as well as the service member's personal needs).

HELPFUL HINTS:

Under no circumstances should you let your service member take a hot shower; this could cause permanent psychological damage. This can be done by securing the valve from the water heater when the service member enters the bathroom.

As for the service member's laundry, always return fewer clothes than he puts in or instant insanity could result (due to having too many clean clothes to choose from). When washing his clothing, add at least one full cup of itching powder; this will make his clothes feel "normal" and keep him too busy to yell orders to you or anyone else in the vicinity. Over time, reduce the amount of itching powder, since this condition is only temporary and will dissapear with love and time (in that order).

You may find it necessary to move your household to a location beneath a bowling alley for the service member to fall asleep at night. He is accustomed to hearing loud noises above him while he is sleeping (e.g. catapult shots, aircraft engaging arresting gear during landings, F-4 Phantoms crashing on the flight deck, etc.). If it is impossible to find a bowling alley with a basement, a large steel mill will suffice - although it must have a stamping press that runs at night.

MEAL PREPARATION

All meats must be prepared in such a way as to be burnt on the outside and still frozen in the center. Mashed potatoes should be prepared in a manner that will cause them to "run" all over the plate and mix with his dessert. Fresh milk should be available only for the first week of the month, with "long-shelf-life-container" liquid milk provided for the next three days, and nonfat-dry milk the remainder of the month. Canned, mixed vegetables, ketchup, and pepper hot sauce are to be provided for two of the three daily meals to allow the service member to make vegetable soup if he so desires. Pancakes can be made in one of two ways: thin and rubbery or thick and hard (the service member will recognize these two varieties as "tire-patch" and "armor-plate"). Powdered and brewed beverages (instant lemonade, Kool-Ade, iced tea) should be mixed with a minimum of sugar and diluted to about half its intended strength. Coffee should be brewed a recommended three days.

"DRILLS"

The following may occur from time to time during your service member's stay at home and are nothing to be alarmed about. Do not be concerned with unusual reactions to normal, everyday sounds such as those created by handheld electronic games, railroad trains, doorbells or telephones - to which he may exit the front door, pulling on his clothes at a dead run to "man his battlestation." Conversely, he may secure himself in some manner to something solid such as an indoor column, bannister, or commode in preparation of a collision with another seagoing vessel. This behavior becomes instinctive through the practice of shipboard "drills" and is considered quite normal so soon after an at-sea deployment. Your service member can be restored to a non-drill condition by sounding one short blast on a whistle and saying, "Now, secure from ..." and state the drill in which he was taking part. Simple observation and common sense will cue you on the type of drill. Some quite common shipboard drills are: General Quarters ("battlestations"), Collision, Man-Overboard, and Mail Call. Note: until your service member fully realizes he's no longer on deployment, we recommend you "drill" him ocassionally to prevent a sense of paranoia and psychological unease. One highly recommended drill is General Quarters; this drill should be held during his normal sleeping hours and last a MINIMUM of 2 hours. Be sure to pass the word: "No eating, drinking or smoking", as this is a normal condition during G.Q. - and one in which some service members are lax.

TV

Do not be alarmed if your service member sets the television picture out of focus, turns up the volume to the point of loud distortion, then starts complaining that, "...the TV is mess ed up again because the idiot running the studio used the WRONG lens on the projector to show the movie." He may also kick the coffee table over and put his heels on it after sitting on the sofa and loudly mumble to himself for long periods. This condition is normal and temporary, lasting through the first few months of non-deployment life.

Misc.

There may be other unusual things you will notice your service member doing; such behavior normally disappears over time in his new environment. Some examples may include measuring and stirring sugar into his coffee with either a knife or fork, using an unusually heavy (and nearly inedible) amount of seasoning on his meals, going through a safety-gear checklist prior to mowing the lawn, performing a "FOD walkdown" on the driveway every morning, or loudly shouting "door coming closed - stand CLEAR!!!" when shutting the garage door. I must once again stress that these things are perfectly normal and almost always harmless.

If there is anything our squadron can do in helping you with your service member's reacclimation to non-deployment life, feel free to call us or your nearest Armed Forces activity. The US military has a fine medical department with 24-hour emergency psychiatrists on duty, should you or your service member require immediate attention. I hope this letter has been of assistance to you. I must assure you, there are only a few things your service member need be taught again.

Very sincerely,
XXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXX
Post-deployment Assistance Officer, ATKRON-XX

Jason writes about a usual day for the National Guard:

I spent a couple of years in the New York Army National Guard. The National Guard gets a lot of stick, this story I about to relay is a good example of why. Our 2 week annual training every summer was usually pretty uneventful. I and 3 of my buddies had managed to secure three of the most coveted positions in the company. I was the CO driver, another was a Platoon Leader driver and yet another was the XO driver. This probably was done on purpose to try and keep up separated. The unforeseen problem was that this gave all three of unfettered access to vehicles 24 hours a day. The base we were on was no base at all. It was a ‘camp’. In theory it was the equivalent to Camp David, but for the governor of New York and not the President. Camp Smith, as it is called, is pretty open. It is not unusual for military vehicles to leave there at any time of day. One afternoon ‘Dan’ had purposely gotten the XO vehicle dirty. He was unable to clean before chow that night telling the XO he would do it after chow. The thing was the bay for washing vehicles close before evening show. The XO, of course had no idea. At about 2100 that night, Dan, Steve, and I slipped into the night the Sgt. ‘nobody’. We took a Sergeant because the rest of us were SPC. and we needed someone to take the blame if we got caught. Everyone except for Dan was in civilian clothes. Dan had his in a bag. He has to at least drive of camp in BDU’s. We drove about 30 miles to Wallkill NY. We figured that was sufficient enough not to raise any alarms. First things first we had to get the M1009 washed. The M1009 is a Chevy Blazer outfitted for the military. In Wallkill NY seeing a blazer painted camouflage does not tend to get noticed. Anyways what easier ways to wash it then to take it through an automatic car wash, right? No. We had forgotten about the $600 radio antenna that was tied down on the side of the M1009. It snapped in two pieces in the car wash. It was at this time the sergeant with us realizes why we had brought him along and proceeded to freak out. He was then offered the option to walk or continue the mission. We just ended up going to some sports bar. That was pretty uneventful. We headed back to Camp Smith. There was still the issue of the antenna that needed to be taken care of. Dan said he would take care of it. We were all in our bunks by 0300. We only had to be up in two hours. When we did get up, Dan was immediacy greeted by the XO. “SPC. Podinski I was looking for you last night, you were not in your bunk.” Sir, I may have been in the Latrine” “I checked the latrine, you were not there” Sir, I said ‘I may have been in the latrine’, I did not say I was there.” “You were not in your bunk, where were you?” “Sir, I can neither confirm nor deny that I was not in my bunk at that time you specified because my watch is broken.” At that point the XO gave up and walked away, seeing how he knew what had happened, and knew that we could not prove it. Our story does not end their kids. You all remember that antenna that got broken, right? It turns out that Dan had taken the antenna of the M1009 that Steve was driving. So Steve ended up having some explaining to do, but it was all good since the whole excursion was his idea anyways. I am since out. Steve and Dan both went on to OCS and now have their enlisted men pulling the same kind of stuff on them.

The names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Chad got this from his roommate and it shows a different side of Iraq:

I got this email from my cousin who is in iraq right now. i thought you guys might find it interesting. it makes me either want to not pay taxes or join the army....im not sure:

Things have been quite a bit calmer as of late. I'm just living one day at
a time out here. I noticed that when I start to think about coming home I get depressed and the days go by slower, so I just try to keep the though of what day it is out of my head. I know I don't have a whole lot of time
left.

Iraq isn't my favorite country to say the least. One Iraqi man asked
me if I enjoyed being here in Iraq, I just glared at him, I couldn't believe he
even asked me that. A vast majority of the Army out here does nothing...literally. They are just bodies used as man-power. I've noticed their lifestyle, and talked to a couple of 82nd Airborne guys and they
told me all about how most of the soldiers wake up whenever they want, go to
eat chow, watch a couple of movies, do whatever, then their "work day" is complete. I think I know how a lot of these guys handle being out here for
a year or so...they don't do ANY work. What a joke, what a horrible waste of tax-payers money. 1 Thing I will never forget about the military is the disgusting waste of our tax dollars. No one seems to care about it either, it's amazing. Abuse of government vehicles, ragging on them to amuse a few people, and various other things. It makes me sick that my taxes are being spent to fund stupidity. Anyhow, enough of my ramblings, I'm a bit tired right now. Thanks for the news! Love, Matt.

Finally, Blackfive has up a story of escorting a hero home. A must read.

Fan Club II has a caption contest.

There, I made my picks for the IMAO t-shirt babe, and it was almost cruel limiting it to five... but hey, I like cruel.

I'm still waiting on about half the judges, and, from the looks of things so far, it's going to be a close competiton.

UPDATE: I just got my gun safe! Okay, that has nothing to do with this post, but I didn't feel like doing a separate post for it. Now my "guns" can be "safe".

Here's a letter I got from the Kerry campaign on April 27th. Let me fisk it:

Dear Frank,

That's me!

I am sickened and saddened by a new Bush-Cheney attack ad released yesterday. It is a malicious insult to a man who has spent his entire life -- from the battlefield to the Senate -- fighting to make America strong and safe.

I'm sickened, too, but I just need to be more selective where I buy my sushi.

So Kerry was on a battlefield? Where?

We can fire back now at this slanderous attack on the airwaves but only with your help:

https://contribute.johnkerry.com

Hey, nice try, bucko. But I need more info before I fork over some cash. I'm not your usual Democrat 'tard.

"Oooh! Me clicky blue link! Me givey money!"

The ad accuses Kerry of voting against body armor for our troops. A bizarre claim considering it was George Bush who sent 40,000 U.S. troops to Iraq without the proper body armor. I wish I could blame overzealous political consultants for the ad, but George Bush watched and approved it himself -- one more reminder that the Bush-Cheney Campaign will do and say anything to hold onto power.

So, the evil Bush sent troops to Iraq without body armor, and that's not an argument further condemning Kerry for voting against funding the troops? I'm confuse-ed.

It's nice how you want to give Bush the benefit of the doubt - and I know you're sincere in that wish - but it's obvious that Bush is so immoral he will approve ads attacking his opponent on his voting record. That the kind of tactics Hitler would use!

...I mean, if Hitler were a regular politician and not a genocidal maniac.

You have to see the ad for yourself to understand how low the Bush campaign is willing to go and how dishonest they're willing to be. But most of you won't see it because it is being run in only a few key "swing states." President Bush has already spent nearly $50 million on misleading ads, more than any other candidate in history. (See below for a link to the ad and a D-Bunking of it.)

Wow! The Buch-Cheney-Haliburton-Satan team is just targeting swing states. Using strategy in an election year; that's as low as you can go! It's good Kerry's statements seem to be bereft of any rhyme or reason whatsoever. I will see this misleading ad as soon as I'm done reading this lovely e-mail to dear me.

John Kerry is under fire -- help us fire back with a contribution:

https://contribute.johnkerry.com

Hey, goober, wait until I see the ad; then I'll think of giving you money.

We'll keep fighting. But we can only do it with your support. We know that we'll be able to counter this new attack campaign, just like the others -- but only because those of you receiving this email will give us the means to fight another day.

Yeah, you don't how much giving me this e-mail really helps you.

Thank you,

Mary Beth Cahill
Campaign Manager, John Kerry for President

Your name is stupid (sorry, it's my day off and I'm just out of witty material).

The Facts: http://www.factcheck.org/article.aspx?docID=177 The Misleading Ad: http://www.georgewbush.com/VideoAndAudio

Hey, the ad "Weapons" doesn't just say Kerry voted against body armor, it says he's voted against like every weapon ever proposed for the military. If Kerry had his way, our troops would be running around naked with sticks in their hands.

I didn’t read your refutation of the ad because I have a short attention span. Maybe if you made a refutation in video form with funky music in the background I’d see it.

Please do not reply to this message. To contact John Kerry for President, please click here.

Hey! I can reply to this message if I want! You can't tell me what to do! You're not my president!

What do you think? Looks like a blatant rip-off of Chomps to me! I'm so outraged I'm going to sit here and sip my coffee.

Since it seems impossible to keep people from commenting, comments are now open on the post of the IMAO T-Shirt Babe Candidates. I'm even having comments open on this post.

Just a reminder, winner won't be posted until Monday.

To be honest, between work, writing this blog, other writing activities, and trying to have a social life, I've gotten behind on reading other people's blogs. Apparently, John Hawkins post about which bloggers he'd most like to be stuck on a desert island with (my comments here) caused a kerfluffle which I missed out on. Meryl Yourish (who I like; she named me an honorary Jew) was upset by the sexism in that post and responded with this (I feel like such a piece of meat), with further comments here. Today, Hawkins has a roundup of more comments on the topic of sexism and blogging.

As for my opinion, I think, as long as we're letting them vote, women should be able to blog, too.

Oh, I guess that wasn't the topic. The question is whether cute female bloggers are more likely to get links that other female bloggers who are better writers. Well, would an attractive male blogger be more like to get links from female bloggers, I wonder? Which then begs the question: who is the biggest blog-stud out there?

Oh yeah - me.

Wait, what was I talking about again?

As I yet again steal David Letterman's intellectual property (hey, I'm pretty sure one of his writers once stole from me), here is:

TOP TEN THING OVERHEARD FROM INSURGENTS IN FALLUJAH

10. "I'm not scared of any infidel U.S. Marine... but those camels, man; they bite.

9. "Just out of idle curiosity, do you still get 72 virgins if you're shot in the back while running away?"

8. "It doesn't matter that the U.S. troops have better weapons, better tactics, and some concept of hygiene, because we have Allah on our side! He will... Hey! Allah is escaping out the back! Someone stop Him! Allah, You coward!"

7. "I know we should be more concerned with this holy war, but I think it would be nice if someone subtly mentioned the Atkins diet to Sadr."

6. "There is some point to this insurgency other than getting us all killed, right?"

5. "I just can't stand those infidels with their loose women who walk around uncovered! By the way, does anyone have more pictures of that outrage?"

4. "I think Sadr may be inflating the amount of support we have, because it looks like half of our fellow 'brothers' are just monkeys dressed up in bandoliers."

3. "If we hide in a mosque, we'll be safe. No one would bomb a mosque... other than us, I mean."

2. "Stupid Americans trying to make things better for other people! Did it ever occur to them that some of us like festering?"

And the number one thing over heard from insurgents in Fallujah...

"I'm not just going to stand around here waiting to die. F**k this Shiite!"

On my blogads, I have Robert Whitfield trying to beat a liberal in North Carloina, and he could use your help.

Also, check out Cooper for President once you're done getting all your humor here for the day.

Remember: All real Frank Fans check out my sponsors.

Again, make sure to be like Frank and donate to Spirit of America (also on my blogads). Doug the T-Shirt Guy has suggested that I do some charity auction for them like other bloggers. What do you guys think? Should I abuse my position of power by using it to help others, or should I stick to the purity of only enriching myself?

It's finally here! Here are twenty contestants, and I think we have a good mix of young'ns and more experienced babes. I almost wish we could pick more than one, but someone has to be the IMAO T-Shirt Babe, get all the IMAO t-shirts, and, upon modeling them, one hundred dollars cash and a hundred dollar shopping spree at ThoseShirts.com. Because of the great turnout, second and third places winners will also get a t-shirt, plus I'll try to think of a little something to give all the contestants as thanks for competing.

Without further ado, here they are:

* * * *

1.

Willow’s Hawkey Rant
(From The Whomping Willow)
Something has been bugging me about Fallujah. I mean besides the obvious. That has been sickening me, disgusting me, throwing me into near apoplectic rages that result in me pacing the house, muttering things like "savages," "carpet bomb," "hellfire missile" under my breath until Paul
calmly reminds me that most likely there were people around the area who were disgusted by what those animals were doing, too. There are probably some people left in that area who still possess some humanity and they couldn't, he said, just waltz into the middle of the throng and stop what was going on.

Maybe.

But reading Christopher Hitchens' article today made it clear what was bugging me about Fallujah. It's a reminder of what the future will be like if we fail. It's like I was looking into Galadriel's mirror, the Ring weighing down upon my neck, and I'm looking at the shire, burnt and blackened and
horrible. What we've done in Afghanistan is right, what we've done in Iraq is right. Right, but not complete. Orcs still roam in Mordor.
(Sorry for the Tolkien indulgence I'll stop now.)…
the rest of the post is here…

Willow's Picture

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2.

I could wax poetic about the way the freedoms we enjoy must be protected by the men who fight so we don't have to. I could go on for pages and pages on the subject of vengeance, tyranny, and the defense of the innocent. I could talk 'til I was blue in the face about justice and other such high-minded ideals. But let's face it: all of this has been said before, and by better writers than I. Instead, I will express this sentiment, which I believe sums up my position quite nicely:

If we don't take the battle to them, they will bring the battle to us. And I do not want the battle brought to us; I mean, do you have any idea how hard it is to beat someone into the ground with a baseball bat without breaking a nail? Seriously. At least they would probably run before my mascara did. Then I could just shoot them.

Joanna Lees
"The Good-Natured Cynic"

Joanna's Picture

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3.

From the attached photo, you will see I'm a chick. It is my sincerest hope you deem my babeness potentially worthy of your great shirt.

Your shirt design rocks and I would wear it proudly. In fact, I probably try to get my entire family in it. (One husband and our three sons who play SOCOM online often and blow up their fair share of terrorists.)

You need someone my age to wear your awesome shirt! It should be worn in the city we live in. *g*

Thank you for your time and consideration--

Kelli Lowry
Vicksburg, MS
http://www.geocities.com/k_lo5/

Kelli's Picture

* * * *

4.

Elise Cordell presents: The Hawkish Statement

For starters, why the HELL does Fallujah still exist? Innocent Americans have been mercilessly slaughtered and we're holding back? You would think that our origins were French. Fucking pussies. The only time they get rowdy is when you get in the way of their 'culture'. You want some cheese with that whine Chirac? And to think these UN assholes want to get in the way. Are they stupid? Just let the American troops do what they were trained to do; kick some serious terrorist ass. That, or you're next dick. The best thing to do to Fallujah? Take it all out in one sweep with our mighty friend, the MOAB. Oh yes folks, at least three football fields worth of damage. Good God I hope they air the action on CNN. Haven't seen a real fireworks show since the bombing of Afghanistan. I cry tears of artistic appreciation just reminiscing. An even better idea is to just nuke Iraq like it was a test site. Seriously, the whole Middle East needs a good flushing. They could afford to start over completely, and hell, it would be nice to have a constant source of oil. United States annexes can be useful.

Elise's Picture

* * * *

5.

Liberals often ask me, "If there's a God, why is there evil and suffering in the world?"

I always reply, "Perhaps because God in his mercy wanted to give Liberals and their terrorists friends two things they could actually be good at."

Some people just don't appreciate the gifts they're given, though!
The enemy is not content to be evil in moderation. No! Instead it has to go about charring people to death. That's what we have "Puff the Magic Dragons" and Daisy Cutters and Chomps for. I support the use of all three. But not at once, because we couldn't have Chomps gettin' all Daisy Cuttered could we?

Miranda Marmorstein (Yes, yes it is a jooish last name)

Miranda's Picture

* * * *

6.

My appearance doesn't put me in the "babe" category, but my behavior definitely is hawkish.

Who else but a hawkish chick would pose with a patriotic rubber ducky in a trainer at Patuxent River Naval Air Museum in Maryland? Who else would help her college roommate, a flight test engineer at Pax River, install a multi-mode receiver in a P-3 Orion while on vacation?

Who else would provide a stunning image of a screaming Bald Eagle to a conservative blogger so that he can create a patriotic design and post it on his website? And who else would prod - nay, stalk - Bill Whittle about publishing Silent America?

A hawkish chick supports the troops, and I've been donating to the USO's Phone Home campaigns for months. After Rich Galen of Mullings requested Double-Stuf Oreos, I collected cookies from coworkers and mailed a huge box of goodies. I also collected magazines and sent two boxes to Jason Van Steenwyk of Iraq Now. After Jason requested school supplies for Iraqi children, I sent small boxes of pens, scissors, calculators, sunglasses and other requested items. When my tax return arrives, I will donate half of it to Spirit of America.

A Recovering Liberal
Costa Mesa, Calif.

A Recovering Liberal's Picture

* * * *

7.

Imao Babe: A short version of the many reasons I am the ultimate IMAO babe:
1) I love money, proof that I am not a commie
2) No matter what my hair color, I am always this cute
3) I look great in black t-shirts
4) I hate anyone who threatens my rights, including terrorists

Smart and beautiful, what more could you want?

Megan Weilacher

Megan's Picture

* * * *

8.

If you don't make me T-Shirt Babe I'll hunt you down just like I hunted down Osama. That's right! I killed Osama. Why do you think Dubya can't find him? Huh?

I never post anymore, but: www.pecas.blogspot.com

~ Adela

Adela's Picture

* * * *

9.

Hey Peaceniks, FOAD. It’s Why We Fight.

1991.

Driving through the desert of Saudi Arabia, in what must’ve been a mile-long convoy, I could see up ahead a group of Bedou, off to the left and very near the convoy itself. I could make out two men and two young children, the former just standing around, the latter scampering to and fro, picking up all the items that were being tossed out the window by the soldiers.

Our turn finally came. The boy was older than his sister, that’s all I remember of him. The girl, maybe 7 yrs old, had gorgeous, long, curly, black hair, uncovered and loose. She was one of the most beautiful creatures I have ever seen.

Fast-forward to a four-truck convoy, last in line, on the hardball (a paved road), and parallel to a walled compound. At a four-way intersection, a “tween” jumps in front of my Humvee with a lead pipe in his hand, screaming in Arabic. My door flies open and a swarm of kids are there, rootin through all the paraphernalia that lay at my side or feet. We discovered later that they managed to swipe our case of MREs that was wedged in a cranny. “Good for them”.

-Lydia VH

Lydia's Picture

* * * *

10.

To those who do not know me but seek to rob Americans of our lifestyles, I say thus:

Hand me a t-shirt.

I fear no terrorist. There is little I can personally do to stop another human being from sacrificing himself or herself , his children or her children or his or her way of life to cease mine. Each day I waited to write this, more acts of terrorism (and denouncement of it) wrote themselves in the history books. A week ago - Saudi Arabia and a car bomb - many dead.. The Palestinian conflict with Israel, never-ending. Europe ignores bin Laden’s truce offer. This week?

Nothing on American soil. My security in that pronouncement stems from this administration’s willingness to stand in the face of those who seek to kill or maim us. The wounded don’t forget. The families of those who never knew to fight back don’t “move on.” And we, we who know the path to fight terrorism doesn’t include a side road named Bargaining, we live our lives.

Everyone knows someone who knows someone touched personally by September 11, 2001. Let there never be another.

Heather Noggle (the only Peace Gallery Alumni to enter)
http://angelweave.mu.nu

Heather's Picture

* * * *

11.

After much soul searching concerning how to be hawkish, I have decided to combine those two things that I hate the most: Terrorists and Michael Moore. Michael Moore pretends to care about the lives of American soldiers (while demoralizing them and us with his lies and propaganda) while remaining fat, safe and stupid at home. Terrorists are concerned with killing fat, safe and stupid Americans at home. Let's bring them together. Mr. Moore should be flown to Iraq and strapped to the side of convoy Humvees. That way, when a roadside bomb goes off, everyone is happy. Soldiers are shielded from the blast by Moore's largeness, and we are spared any future idiotic and disingenuous pontificating by Moore.

~CCinCali

CCinCali's Picture

* * * *

12.

Killing insurgents with full metal jackets
Leveling hide-outs and other such tactics
Terrorists wrapped up in flexi-cuff rings
These are a few of my favorite things

When the bombs fly
Terrorists cry
We'll leave nothing to chance
We thank all of our troops and our allied groups
And when we're done we'll pave France

~Serenity
http://www.serenitysjournal.com

Serenity's Picture

* * * *

13.

I should be the IMAO T-Shirt Babe, because i hate terrorists, as they are ugly, mean, nasty, evil, stupid and foreign. Seriously though, I hate terrorists because George, Condi and Frank J tell me I should; that's all the convincing I need.

I also hate the French, the Commies, the Hippies and John Kerry, basically all for the same reasons: they are French-looking, wear bad tie-dyed clothing, have awful hair, smell putrid and lie a lot; I have no use for such people.

As the IMAO T-Shirt Babe, I wouldn't really do anything significant... unless helping Frank J increase t-shirt sales by 500% is considered significant. I mean, look at me! What idiot wouldn’t buy a “Know Thy Enemy” t-shirt after seeing it on me?? And smart people, well they’ll buy at least two!

If those reasons alone don’t prove my worthiness, I can always resort to empty threats.

SarahK – too brave for the UN
http://kiser47.typepad.com

p.s. George W. Bush approved this IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest entry. Vote for me, or Rummy will sic Chomps on your esophagus.

SarahK's Picture

* * * *

14.

In the War on Terror, I feel it's my duty as an American woman to wear clingier clothing, flirt more outrageously, have more orgasms, and get on top more often. Whatever is taboo to the islamofascists is on my to do list for the day. Pass the pork chops.

I don't want to appease them. I don't want to understand them. I don't want to let them reap the benefits of our liberalism while plotting our destruction. Like most Americans, I would have been more than happy to let them pretend the last 400 years of progress never happened, as long as they didn't force their warped-vision goggles on anyone else. But since they brought the war to us, let's kill all the terrorists and pave the Middle East with outlet malls, fast food franchises, and Disney Mecca. Let's infect their entire population with personal liberty and dissension and critical thinking. And if that doesn't work, let's flood them with porn spam.

Michelle Hendrix (aka shell)
www.acrosstheatlantic.com

Michelle's Picture

* * * *

15.

The belief that thugs who murder busloads of children will stop because you chant at them is idiocy, not pacifism. I would like for there to be no need for violence or war. Unfortunately, there are a bunch of so-called 'people'
who like to terrorize everybody else; they've used violence to start this argument, and I see no reason not to continue the debate on those terms.
Particularly because we are better at it than they are (and by 'we' I mean 'the US armed forces, of which I am a supporter, not a member').

I like hawks. They are graceful in flight, but awkward on the ground, so you don't feel like you have to hate them for being better than you at everything, including walking. As an added bonus, most of them will gladly eat any rat it finds for dinner, thus cutting down on vermin and reducing the risk of rodent-spread diseases. They don't bother to try to imitate human speech, though, so a hawkish statement is more like an indignant squawk with fluffed feathers. I don't have any feathers, but this is for my entry, anyway. SQUAWK!

~Nony Mouse

Nony Mouse's Picture

* * * *

16.

Name: BerkeleyChick (aka Reva)

URL: http://www.calpatriot.org This isn't actually my website, it's the website of the California Patriot, the conservative student magazine both BerkeleyGirl (Carissa) and I write for. Since I don't have a personal site, I thought your readers might want to see (read: donate to) what the rest of the Berkeley College Republicans are up to. =)

Hawkish Statement:

A popular liberal slogan I see a lot is "Regime Change Begins at Home." Well, I've decided that they're right--and I'm starting right here in Berkeley. So in my picture I'm standing in front of the Institute of Governmental Studies, where I have proudly placed a Bush sticker on their sign, mocking their ultra-liberalism. Armed only with a patriotic t-shirt and my razor-sharp wit (because sadly I cannot buy a handgun in this terrible state for another two months), I am prepared to challenge hippies and college professors alike, destroying their poorly articulated arguments for socialism with my clever rhetoric and complicated analogies involving class systems, woodland creatures, and, oddly enough, sporks. I'm just trying to do my part to make the country a little safer by taking care of these internal threats, so that our kick-ass armed forces can focus on protecting us from the bad guys outside America. Because while moral support for the military is always needed, I'm sure they appreciate an old-fashioned civilian bitchslap every once in a while, too.

Reva's Picture

* * * *

17.

My name: Beca Green AKA Miss Beca

my website: www.ministryofevil.com (not updated in ages, though)

My statement:

When you think about it, liberal peaceniks and monkeys actually have a lot in common. The screech, bite, and throw crap, but when I finally get fed up enough to smack one, suddenly I'm the bad guy. As if refusing to give up life and liberty is somehow a bad thing. Idiots.

Don't get me wrong; I don't hate liberals per se. Actually, I have a sick sort of fascination with the type of mind that can hear terrorists say "we are coming to kill you" and decide that, oh, poor Osama just wasn't hugged enough when he was little. That decides that a good rousing chorus of "Kumbaya" will make everything right as rain. That insists that when Americans get blown to smithereens, it is somehow their own fault. Such an amazing disconnect from the forces of reality is really spectacular to behold.

The hatred doesn't show up until those who hold such silly ideals come to enforce them on me and mine. Well, they say, I feel that it's this or that. I feel, I feel, I feel. Well, Bucko, you've got your feelings, I've got my 12-gauge. We're both happy. Now shut up.

Miss Beca's Picture

* * * *

18.

War is an amazing event created simply for the purpose of domination. It is what has allowed the greatest country in the history of the world to maintain its superpower status for over 50 years, all thanks to the skills and leadership of the United States military forces. Although combat does result in the loss of life, those who die for the sake of America and the freedoms she guarantees are undeniably some of the most selfless and respected people in the world. Some countries have yet to feel the overpowering strength that is the U.S. armed forces, but when that time comes, they will understand why the entire continent of Europe forfeited any claim to influence or power in the world so many years ago. God bless America, and God bless our troops.

~Carissa aka BerkeleyGirl

Carissa's Picture

* * * *

19.

To Frank J. and the other esteemed judges:

Thank you for allowing me to try out for the opportunity to fulfill my life-long (well, month-long) dream of being the IMAO T-Shirt Babe.

This will allow me to do my small part to let the world know that you do not disparage, taunt, or mess with the US without severe life-eliminating consequences and also that we will not be led around on a leash by the UN.

I am an extremely conservative Republican. I love George W. Bush and despise terrorists, monkeys, and France (and I am no longer too keen on Spain either).

And in case that isn't enough: I want all terrorists dead. Very, very dead. (Simian-type animals also, Frank.)

~Teri Rabinek

Teri's Picture

* * * *

20.

There are many reasons why I should be voted IMAO's t-shirt babe (or at least first runner-up in the event the winner is tragically rendered unable to complete her reign due to mysteriously breaking both her legs in a freak accident)....

I, Jonag, should be elected because of my increasingly successful attempts to defeat liberalism by out-breeding them. As we all know, liberals like to abort their babies or at the very least give birth to only 1.7 children per liberal household. I have, as of this writing, given birth to 4 future conservative Republicans. I have also devoted my life to their indoctrination by homeschooling them (which allows me to fill their minds with ideas from great thinkers such as Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Frank J. Fleming, not to mention John Adams, Patrick Henry and Thomas Jefferson). At this rate, within 30 years, my little conservatives will have given birth to their own little conservatives, thus increasing my Republican progeny at least 4 fold. And in 50 years... well you do the math (Frank!).

I have also been thwarting liberalism by engaging in a monogamous, heterosexual marriage for the past 17 1/2 years and doing so quite happily (which really torques them).

Not only should I win, I outright DESERVE to win! All the other contestants are too young and therefore are still in training for true conservative womanhood. I, on the other hand, am already living it and have begun to pass it on to the next generation! Remember....Choose wisely.

~Jonag

Jonag's Picture

* * * *

Now it goes to the judges:
Me
Doug the T-shirt Guy
Emperor Darth Misha I
Harvey
Bill Whittle
Blackfive
John Hawkins
Glenn Reynolds
Contest Winner No One of Consequence

I've turned off comments so there will be no influencing the judges. Each will pick their top five ranked (5 points for first place to one point for fifth place on a jusge's ranking), and hopefully there will be no tie so there won't be some messy runoff. Since these bloggers can be busy (and I need time to make my picks), I'm giving the judges the weekend to send it their votes. The winner will be revealed Monday morning.

Good luck to all the contestants. May the best babe win.

(for reference, here are is the original contest announcement)

Use X-1.

8b 03 cb dd 2a 15 a7 3a 1b 84 2f dc 3b 93 64 dd
a1 f6 42 d9 58 e6 cd 02 59 f9 25 6f 0b 44 07 ca
c5 0a d3 59 de d8 50 7e 0f f7 57 a0 43 77 1b 1a
4c f2 c6 a7 2d 11 3d da c7 b1 d6 ce 1e 42 7f f7
b3 14 95 a8 9b 7f 7e 4a be be 7e 04 32 fe f3 c3
ad f2 2d f1 b8 91 36 47 f1 af 5f 13 3e bb 9b 62
71 e4 a3 b6 73 06 35 24 dc c3 89 3b 42 b8 1e d4
17 11 cc d1 88 a4 99 9f 7f d3 2e 2e 9c aa 00 a1
e5 e9 70 47 27 72 e6 2a 97 42 bd 04 17 7e 43 0f
c5 f4 c0 92 53 1f 03 b8 cd 99 49 9d 1f ca 50 62
35 ed 39 04 2f 58 58 bb 5f fe f6 62 dd 0a d7 54
a0 fe 11 14 86 64 85 3e 35 36 c3 cf b1 f4 70 c9
69 dd 2d 1d 7e f5 b7 b4 cf c9 68 59 7b c4 98 c4
0b 3b 56 3e 67 85 d5 07 c1 82 c1 b0 3e 56 36 6b
7e ef 81 4f 55 de 30 af 26 9e 67 6c f2 07 a9 06
2c d6 51 61 5f 8b a0 18 47 29 56 3b d9 90 ab 18
a3 38 e6 c0 8e 4e 78 a3 f4 47 3f 65 1f 5b bb e6
5b b0 2b af 7f d8 a8 6e 62 5d a3 95 47 8b 82 88
76 e2 3e

Because you've all been some good readers, here are some Frank Answers™.

* * * *

Bryan, who is from Sarramento, writes:
My name's Bryan and I'm from Sacramento. Since I view your opinion as fact, I've decided to ask you which university should I attend next year: UC Berkeley or UC San Diego?
I'd be majoring in computer science and have been accepted to both.

Let's see.

...

Heads. That means UC Berkeley.

There, I have spoken! If you do not go by my advice, your future will be worthless! You might want to ask BerkeleyGirl and BerkeleyChick about it to get yourself prepared. I think they go to Berkeley (BTW, everyone will finally get to see what they look like tomorrow).

Wes asks:
If John Kerry were to be split in two, would one be conservative and one liberal, or would they just be twice as liberal as before? Also, if it's the latter, and if they were to be rammed into each other at high speed, could a critical mass of liberalism be achieved?
Also, if John Kerry was cultured into viral form, how would he be transmitted, and what symptoms would the he have?

If John Kerry were split in two, he would probably bleed to death. As for ramming the two halves together at high speed, that's just silly.

The John Kerry virus would probably be like Alzheimer’s, but only make you forget your political positions. I'm not sure how it would be transmitted, but I'd hope we'd have biowar task forces to keep it from getting airborne.

Jason H from Austin, Texas, land of road kill and living hippies, writes:
Frank, I noticed that the US Marines are now kicking serious ass in Iraq. I'm curious, what do you think the IQs are of the insurgers? Unfortunately, we can't give them an IQ test because they'll be dead. Is there any other way of finding out the average intelligence of the insurgers? Thanks.

Technically, the IQ of a dead insurgent is 0, but, if you want to know what their marginally higher intelligence was before they got a Marine welcome, I think there is a method to measure IQ based on the pattern of how their brains splattered on the wall.

Then again, maybe I'm thinking of the Rorschach test. Those ink blots always looked like splattered brains to me.

Jason asks:
Frank, I just mentioned Hitler's suicide in a previous e-mail to friends of mine. It got me thinking. Is it possible that Hitler killed himself because he had been married just an hour or so before or was it really because the Soviets were 300 yards away from his bunker? I think some historians are overlooking the 'marriage quotient' in Hitler's death.

To answer that, I'll have to use the scientific method and get married to see if that makes me suicidal.

…

This may take some time. I’ll get back to you.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Okay, babes, you only have until... noon? I thought I set the deadline at midnight. Anyway, what I said before stands, you have until noon today today to get your entry in for the contest. No late entries will be accepted. Also, make sure you got a confirmation e-mail from me for an entry you did send in. Tomorrow I will post all the entrants and send it to the judges (which includes me). So, to those who still haven't gotten your entries in, get your asses in gear! To those who have, good luck.

Tomorrow will be a big day...

Things are looking pretty dour for John Kerry right now, and everything he does seems to make it worse. First there is his attempt to hold two simultaneous but conflicting positions like being for and against the war, for and against funding the troops, etc. He won't even need Bush for the Presidential debates; he could just do them Gollum style, making a statement, and then rebutting vehemently right after.

"We must fund the troops in Iraq!"

Camera angle on Kerry changes. "No! I hateses funding the nasty troopses!"

And now he's attacked Bush about his National Guard service - a story that played out months ago - after he said he was against such petty attacks. Really, presidential candidates are supposed to leave such sniping to subordinates; it's almost seeming like it's amateur hour at the Apollo with Kerry now.

I guess it's Frank to the rescue.

Yes, I want the Democrats to lose, and to lose so big it wipes out their "Bush was selected not elected" delirium. So big that they cry. So big that they actually follow through on their threats to move to France. Still, I just can't stand idly by and watch a train wreck, so here are my ideas to help the Kerry campaign:

* Get Rid of the French-Lookingness: This is a hard one, but essential. Instead of a suit, wear a leather jacket and sunglasses. Mess up that thousand dollar haircut of yours. Then, grow some stubble. If you can't grow stubble because of that Botox stuff, then have a Hollywood makeup artist give you some.

* Stop Talking: You seem to put your foot in your mouth trying to explain your odd positions, so don't talk at all. Be this mysterious, gruff looking individual of few words. Respond to most questions with a grunt or a "whatever". This moves you from aloof - which people hate - to apathetic - which is cool. If someone keeps pestering you with a question, instead of coming up with a lame dodge by attacking Bush, intimidate the individual. For example:

REPORTER: "Senator Kerry, did you or did you not throw your own medals over a fence in protest?"

MO'FO' KERRY: "Who f**king cares? What I do know, if you keep bothering me about it, I'm going to throw my fist in your face."

The average Joe - or even the average Steve - would really respond to that.

* No More Mentioning That You Served Vietnam: Okay, dude, we all know you served in Vietnam and are getting tired of you bringing it up, but there's a better way to mention it. Instead of saying, "By the way, I served in Vietnam", phrase instead as "I've killed people before." Said in a low, menacing voice, it's also a good dodge to questions.

* Pick a VP that Makes You Look Good in Comparison: Since everyone think you're haughty and aloof and uncharismatic, pick a VP that's even more haughty, more aloof, and less charismatic. But who...

Al Gore! He's even already got VP experience. He might be really tired of it, though, so if you get elected and you see him playing with garroting wire, don't turn your back on him.

* Use Reverse Psychology: Usually political ads say why you should vote for one guy or why you shouldn't vote for another guy. That's old and tired. If you want to be cool, have an ad where you say, "I'm John Kerry and... know what? F**k this. I don't even want your stupid vote. I'm outta here." Then just walk off camera. And people will be like, "That guy is cool! He doesn't even care if we vote for him! I'm going to vote for him!" It will totally work.

* Wrestle a Bear: Only a badass could wrestle a bear. And then you'll have something to talk about other than being in Vietnam. No matter what policy question someone asks you, you can be like, "Hey! I wrestled a bear! I can handle that podunk crap!"

* Keep Bill Clinton in His Place: Using his new book, Bill Clinton is going to try and steal the spotlight for himself to the detriment of Democrats in general. You need to have a public meeting with him and then stomp his ass. Be like, "I'm the leader of the Democrats now, bitch!" He might call on Hillary for help, and I'll leave that up to whether you take her on. I hear that in a fight she's all nails and teeth.

* Improve General Badassery: If people are going to take you seriously as a president who can handle the war on terror, you need to be a complete and total badass. Instead of doing the usual politician thing of shaking hands and kissing babies, be like, "Keep your damn hands away from me!" and "Get that ugly baby out of my face!" People will be like, "Damn! That guy is a badass. To once think I believed he was haughty and aloof."

So, Kerry, the choice is yours. You can either known as "John Kerry, the haughty, french-looking Massachusetts Democrat, who by the way served in Vietnam" or as "John F'n Kerry, badass loner of few words who's killed people and, by the way, wrestled a bear". Not much of choice, huh? I'd almost vote for you if you were the latter, except that I'm pretty sure you'd raise my taxes. By the way, I don't care if you wrestled a bear: if you raise my taxes, I kick your ass.

I wonder if that could be a campaign slogan...

I'm just going to have one story today, as it's longer than usual and more serious than most. This was sent in by a reader and is an interview she did in 2001 of her father about his involvement in Vietnam and the Counter Culture (such as joining Vietnam Veteran's Against the War). It's well worth a read.

I still have a number of more stories left to print for future editions, but I still want more to keep this feature going. So, if you have one, e-mail me with the subject "Military". Thanks.

* * * *

David was born in 1950, a middle child of 28 children in a Mormon family, sharing blood with approximately 14 of them. He experienced his childhood in general poverty, moving between living with relatives, orphanages, and Indian reservations. He dropped out of high school in 1969 to enlist in the Army, and served until 1971. In 1974 he married Deborah, and started on his first of three children. In 1976 he joined the Army Reserves. Now he is a computer programming consultant for several companies, and an avid sailboat Captain and sailing instructor.

This interview is being conducted by Megan [his daughter], and it covers the late 1960's through the early 1970's, specifically David's involvement in the Vietnam War and the Counter Culture, as well as the Civil Rights Movement. The Vietnam war was not one that we declared, but one that snowballed out of control. In 1954 the Vietnamese defeated the French, and the Geneva peace conference "temporarily" divided Vietnam into a communist north and a non-communist south, with an election scheduled to elect a single Vietnamese government. The United States then organized SEATO, the Southeast Asia Treaty Organization to contain Asia. In 1964 Congress passed the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution, authorizing the President to wage undeclared war. By 1966 America had 275,000 combat troops in Vietnam, one year later that number totaled 485,000, and in 1969 the number reached it's maximum of 543,000. At the same time a new lottery system was created to reduce the number of draftees by two thirds, and Congress repealed the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution the next year. A cease fire began on January 27, 1973 confirming the American withdrawal from Vietnam. The Counter Culture consisted of several different types of ideas, but most of the people involved were known as hippies. Those who were seriously involved in the counter culture shunned the middle class American way of life, while many were kids expressing their personal alienation by sampling drugs and listening to psychedelic music. The Civil Rights movement also occurred in this era, allowing for minorities such as Blacks and Women to finally voice their oppression to an audience.

DAVID. I dropped out of the 11th grade in high school to enlist for three years in the Army. I was stationed in Vietnam for 3 combat tours. A combat tour is 6 months long. While in Vietnam, I joined an organization named 'Vietnam Veterans Against the War'. You may directly infer from this that the counter culture was even having an impact over there. I used to joke with people after returning to "The World" that perhaps we could have won the war if I hadn't been a doper over there. In retrospect, it may not have been such a joke. A lot of us were users of something or other. It was all cheap and super easy to get. It is real likely that it was so readily available because our adversaries were the principal suppliers. My rank was Sergeant E-5. Job description - Radio Teletype Operator Team Chief - Skill Development Base. This last thing meant that my non-commissioned officer rank was awarded me by attending school as apposed to earning it in the field. While stationed overseas, I never worked at the job I was trained for. Instead, the positions I held were as follows: Telephone lineman - String wire on telephone poles, Water truck driver, NCO in charge of company communications, Door Gunner on Huey helicopters (not gun ships), Manager of unapproved company level NCO lounge, Stock control clerk - Inventory guy.
Received honorable discharge in 1971 but there was a code on my discharge papers that marked me as a doper. After marrying your mom, I re-enlisted in the Army reserve as a computer programming specialist. Received a truly honorable discharge with no little codes marking me as a bad guy. However, the job description I held required a security clearance which I never could get. When a government tells you to turn yourself in and they won't hold it against you; they are lying.

MEGAN. What caused you to drop out of high school and join?

DAVID. Hormones, a constant war with your grandmother, three older brothers had been in Army, school sucks, no role models, hated getting up in morning.

MEGAN. What changed between when you dropped out and when you joined Vietnam Veterans Against the War that made you change your mind?

DAVID. Peer pressure. Being in country. Immature before I enlisted; a different kind of immature when I joined VVAW.

MEGAN. Were you a minority or a majority for choosing to go instead of being drafted?

DAVID. The majority of enlisted people were drafted.

MEGAN. From the list of positions you gave me, why did you go from what I assume to be an honor of being a non commissioned officer to a manager of a lounge to stocking shelves?

DAVID. In all cases, I kept the NCO rank. The positions were various jobs I was assigned to. The short answer is that I wasn't reliable, trustworthy, or capable. The actual jobs I did can't really be ranked in an apples to apples comparison. The NCO lounge manager was the best job I did; right up to where I quit. The most fun was the door gunner job. I had left out NCOIC (NCO in charge) of communications.

MEGAN. Did the training you received in school start you in the field of computers that you are currently in?

DAVID. No. Had an interest in them; probably because I don't like arithmetic. Went to a computer technical school after I left the service the first time. I had used up all my unemployment from being in the service; all the money I'd saved in the service, and the GI bill was the only source of money available at the time short of getting a job.

MEGAN. What specifically was your involvement in the Vietnam Veterans Against the War?

DAVID. Just sent money for membership and joined. No active participation.

MEGAN. Did it effect the way others on your tours treated you?

DAVID. No. Didn't really advertise joining.

MEGAN. How did getting dope from the enemies work? How did you know when to buy from them vs. when to fight them?

DAVID. The enemy and the friendly all looked alike. Drugs were purchased on the black market. It was pretty much the same kind of supply chain that exists in the U.S. for buying drugs today.

MEGAN. What was the general opinions of the other soldiers of the Vietnam war?

DAVID. I can't answer this. I think the majority were level headed conscientious people doing what was required of them. Just a way higher percentage than normal either did dope or booze.

MEGAN. What was your opinion on the war?

DAVID. Came away believing that the only way of winning a war was total annihilation of your enemy. That is every mother, father, son, or daughter that is your enemy or can grow up to be your enemy must die. This proposes a dilemma. How can you wage war and be humane?

MEGAN. Is this what decided you against the war?

DAVID. No. Total lack of support of the U.S. at virtually every level; including our government.

MEGAN. Did the Vietnam war make you more politically aware?

DAVID. Not really. I'm still not very astute.

MEGAN. What were your main objectives over there?

DAVID. I personally had no objectives. It is a side affect of being a doper.

MEGAN. What was a typical day like, what did each job entail?

DAVID. Hot. Wet. Finding drugs. Buying drugs. Using drugs.

MEGAN. Was there any protesting taking place?

DAVID. Not that I was aware of.

MEGAN. Did you ever refuse to perform an assignment?

DAVID. No. You can be totally incompetent in the military so long as you are never insubordinate.

MEGAN. Did anyone over there foreign or domestic agree with the U.S.
presence?

DAVID. Someone must have.

MEGAN. Were Vietnamese women as readily available as the movies portrayed them to be?

DAVID. Probably more so.

MEGAN. How and Did the war change you?

DAVID. To the extent that it got me off the Indian reservation and out into the world, it changed me a lot.

MEGAN. Did you ever have to take life?

DAVID. Don't know. Shot up a lot of trees and rocks when I was a door gunner though.

MEGAN. Did it get easier to take life over time?

DAVID. Seems to me that however much you respect your own life and place value on it determines how easy it would be to takes someone else's. Two things muddy this up a little. They are an innate fear of the unknown after death or if you can hate someone else enough to take the one truly precious thing they have. This latter was said well by Clint Eastwood in the movie Unforgiven. He tells the kid that killing is taking from a man all was, is, or will ever be. I am paraphrasing here. Watch the movie; the actual quote is better.

MEGAN. Were you ever concerned that civilian life was being taken?

DAVID. No. Civilian life is really a funny sort of concept. If your politicians and your taxes support your military; if you support the actions of your military; just how civilized are you?

MEGAN. Was the war what you were bargaining for when you signed up?

DAVID. Since I wasn't bright enough to foresee any future for myself, there was nothing that I was bargaining for.

MEGAN. How would you compare the military then as to now?

DAVID. I really can't. I have no expertise on today's military. It seems to be far more high tech and there appears to be a desire to wage war without casualties. We don't seem to want to fight.

MEGAN. Do you see any similarities between then and what is happening now?

DAVID. Yes. We weren't committed to winning at any cost then or now. Nor were we in Korea or the Gulf war. We essentially have lost every war we have fought in since WW2. We claim victories in every engagement except Vietnam but in truth, the same enemies with the same agendas are still there and fighting against us even after we call ourselves winners and go home.

MEGAN. What do you think of our governments handling of foreign relations?

DAVID. I am far more impressed with the foreign relations of Ghengis Khan, or the Roman empire with their 500 years of peace, or the British government when they dominated the oceans of the entire world for as many years. When a Roman Centurion was killed, ten of the Roman enemy was killed to avenge his death. That was foreign policy. If we implemented that policy after 09/11/2001, that would require us to kill 60,000 of those aligned against us. So... Is that justice? Bin Lauden believes so. How best can we demonstrate to him the consequences of his beliefs?

MEGAN. How did your service to our country effect your life?

DAVID. Got me away from home. Got me the GI bill for education. Afforded me the opportunity to go down a path that didn't exist where and when I grew up. Was able to pass GED test for high school. Don't believe I ever would have completed conventionally. Picture yourself in my place with no one pressuring you to finish.

MEGAN. Did it make your more responsible, compassionate, bitter, etc...?

DAVID. Marriage is what really did all those things for me. Until then I was pretty much a tumbleweed with IQ to match.

MEGAN. Would you recommend the service for today's youth? Why or why not?

DAVID. Yes. Everyone needs to work. I'm all in favor of anyone that wants adventure and can't afford to pay for it, joining. It would be good for some, bad for some, but at least they'd know.

MEGAN. Where do you think you would be in your life had you not joined?

DAVID. This is a fallacy of logic called arguing from a hypothesis. It is equally feasible that I could have become a felon, or a teacher, or a mercenary, or a street person.

MEGAN. What was your opinion of how Americans received the returning veterans?

DAVID. I never took it personally though I know that many did.

MEGAN. How were you received personally by those that knew you?

DAVID. Like a returning soldier that they were proud of and glad was back.
Particularly since some thought I was a far better candidate for jail when I went in.

MEGAN. Did you lose many friends to the war?

DAVID. Every friend I made that I lost track of was lost. None died that I'm aware of.

MEGAN. What about the vietnam war makes it hard for you to talk about?

DAVID. Nothing any more.

MEGAN. What do you think makes it hard for others to talk about their experiences?

DAVID. Either shocked at what they did; didn't do, saw, didn't see, behaved, didn't behave. A saturday evening sitting in front of the TV getting fat may well kill you, but it surely doesn't test your fiber or beliefs.

MEGAN. Did doing the drugs make it easier or harder to cope in retrospect?

DAVID. People who do drugs aren't really coping; they are turning their brain off.

MEGAN. Was that your opinion then?

DAVID. Yes.

MEGAN. Were you involved with the counter culture before leaving for the war?

DAVID. No.

MEGAN. When you came home?

DAVID. I moved in those circles but was pretty much outside them too.
Harken back to image of brainless tumbleweed.

MEGAN. Did the civil rights movement of the 60s affect you? How?

DAVID. Yes. Not directly. Didn't consider it my problem. Was perfectly willing to believe black people did have a problem.

MEGAN. Did your beliefs mirror those of the counter culture?

DAVID. Probably not. My favorite author was Ayn Rand.

MEGAN. Were you involved in the war when the Viet Congs Tet offensive
occurred?

DAVID. Tet offensive was 1968. I joined 1969. First tour in Nam was early 1970. This was an event that even me in my turned off ignore everything daze was aware of.

MEGAN. Was it a factor in your joining the VVAW?

DAVID. No.

MEGAN. Do you remember Martin Luther Kingąs assassination? And how did if effect you and those around you?

DAVID. Yes. Not at all. I didn't identify with people who were passionate enough to assassinate someone nor with the victims either.

MEGAN. Was there racial tension over there?

DAVID. Perhaps. My black friends could call me a honky because I didn't care but I couldn't call them niggers because they did care.

MEGAN. What was your opinion of Nixon and his foreign policies?

DAVID. Voted for him every time he ran from when I was in the 6th grade.
Would have voted for him again.

MEGAN. Did you get to watch Armstrong walk on the moon when your were over there?

DAVID. Saw the TV pictures. Your grandmother never did believe it was real.

MEGAN. What was your most dangerous assignment/ job?

DAVID. Door gunner.

MEGAN. What made the door gunner job the most fun, if fun can be used to describe anything that went on?

DAVID. Why did you like jumping out of a plane or being at the helm with a rail buried in the water?

MEGAN. Did you use the same guns as Rambo?

DAVID. Don't know what Rambo used. Used an M60 machine gun mounted on a pivot with butterfly triggers and every 5th round of 7.62mm ammo a tracer.

MEGAN. Same gun. Were you ever in any harry situations? What happened?

DAVID. Not really. They mortered the flight line a mile away while an idiot Sgt. 1st class had us all standing in close formation to give us hell for not going to the bunkers. Airlifted a Thai soldier out of an LZ once that was shot in the back pretty bad. I fired a lot of suppression fire with no one firing back. Almost crashed a helicopter once because I didn't tell the pilot he was letting the tail come around to engage a tree. It was my job to do that but even now I have a tendency to just let a bad thing happen and see how it comes out.

MEGAN. Do you owe your life to anyone, or does anyone owe you their life?
What happened?

DAVID. Sure. My family, those that brought me and those that I leave.
Especially you. You are my future and my pride.

MEGAN. Do you feel anger against our government for lying to you about disclosing your drug use?

DAVID. Not at all. They really had no choice either.

MEGAN. What were you at war with Grandma about?

DAVID. She was a bright headstrong willful person who had been kicked in the teeth her entire life. I inherited many of her tendencies.

MEGAN. Do you ever wish you had stayed home and finished high school?

DAVID. Not really.

MEGAN. What kind of immature were you when you joined the VVAW? Are you mature now?

DAVID. Well, obviously, the same kind as you. I couldn't formulate a tactful question, even if it was a multiple choice question with one answer given. Is it true that is how they get you artist types to pass tests in college? Now I am very mature because you can no longer get me to rise to the bait of this kind of question.

* The Paradox Candidate: So, in summary, Kerry did and didn't vote for funding the troops, does and doesn't own an SUV, and he did and didn't throw his medals over the wall. It's like Schrödinger's Cat escaped from the box.

* The Frenchest Party in Town: In one of those mass Kerry e-mails, I was encouraged to throw a John Kerry party at my house. How would that work? Maybe I could serve a John Kerry drink - a drink that's different every time you serve it (it both does and doesn't have vermouth; it's nuanced). There could also be the By the Way I Served in Vietnam drink which is handed to you over and over while its name is announced loudly.

* You Served Where?: I was just thinking, my dad had served about eight months in Vietnam - twice as long as Kerry - and I think I've heard him mention it less throughout my entire life than I have heard Kerry mention his service in the past couple months. Me, I would exploit my service:

"Get me a beer from the fridge, boy!"

"Get it yourself."

"Do as tell you! I served in Vietnam!"

* It's Magic!: Going back to the party idea, Kerry has the ultimate party trick. He could take his medals, throw them over a wall, and then have them magically reappear framed in a glass case when politically convenient.

* A Little Less Insurgey: That's 43 down; how many does that leave?

* Hostages Are Nothing But Dishonorable Ronin: Interesting how the returning hostages to Japan got treated. I guess it's a learning experience for the terrorists about which of our allies will be affected by hostage taking, and I guess they shouldn't try it on the ones that react by getting mad at the hostages.

* The Even Lamer Superhero: Brian J. (no relation) has evidence that John Kerry is Aquaman. Am I making fun of Aquaman too much?

* I Forgot to Celebrate that Holiday: Here's a blogger I should have added to my blogroll a while ago. Look at her description of what she did on Earth Day.

Wait, I still haven't added her to the blogroll. I'll do it later...

* The Appeasingest Place on Earth: A very reputable new source reports that Europe has decided to give up trying to become countries and be one big theme park. It's nice to hear that EU is finally getting realistic. (thanks to Combustible Boy for sending that in)

* Monkey News: Hong Kong has had an increase in monkey problems, monkey stealing people's food and then throwing back at the people whatever they don't like. So, they're targeting the worst of the offenders to quell the problem. Fools! You must target all monkeys, as those that aren’t directly causing trouble are conspiring with the others. No country can be truly successful until they're like us in the U.S. and get rid of all wild monkeys.

* I'm So Sorry; Let Me Comfort You: Bad news for Halle Barry; good news for single guys!

* Me Write Better: I had a group critique with my writing group on a fantasy novel I'm working on, and, unlike last time, they thought I shouldn't toss the whole thing out. I'm getting better! Soon I'll be the greatest novelist ever!

* Punk Kids and Animal Abuse: Stupid punk teenager beating up a poor, defenseless 400 pound bear. Seriously, what a badass. Now there's someone with the potential to be an uber-bully. A little advice for nerds at his high school: if he asks for your lunch money, just hand it over and walk away.

* Frank Fans: I'll have an update on activities soon. Congrats on the [blacked out]. Maybe I'll start accepting more members in the exclusive fan club soon.

* Tick Tock: Babes, you have only today and tomorrow to enter the IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest. No late entries will be accepted. So get moving before this one time opportunity passes you by!

Damn Commie pandas!

What the hell is a panda? It's not even a bear; it's like a frick'n raccoon in disguise. And they eat bamboo; what in the world? So they're giant raccoon’s that eat trees like some termite. All that, and they help the Commie Chinese in their public relation being that China is the only one who can dole out pandas to zoos.

Damn, giant, Commie-sympathizing, termite raccoons!

Just had to get that off my chest.

So last Wednesday I met with Bill Whittle for lunch at a local barbeque so that I might impart some of my wisdom to him to help with his only little webpage.

When I arrived he had already gotten a seat. "Hi. I'm Frank J. Fle..."

"I'm Bill Whittle!" he interrupted, "Master essayist of the blogosphere! Sit and be quiet!"

I stared at him sternly, but I wasn't looking for a fight. Thus I sat and made my order. "You make some interesting yet long essays," I said, trying to move the conversation to a more friendly subject, "So do you plan on writing more about America and patriotism?"

"Bah! Those subjects are of no concern to me!" he announced, "All I want is set the world record for longest blog post ever! When you start reading it, it will be topical, but moot by the time you finish! Muh ha ha ha!"

"You're insane!" I cried.

"That's what they said of Charles Manson," Whittle responded, "but he's famous now!"

Luckily, the food now came to break up the awkward conversation. Whittle took one bite and then threw the meal at the waitress. "That wasn't cooked well enough for the Bill Whittle," he screamed, "Cook it again."

"I've had enough of your ego!" I finally announced, "You will apologize to that waitress!"

"I apologize to no one!" Whittle shouted, "Especially not at the behest of the author of IMAO, which humor is trite and repetitive!"

"You'll pay for that insulting yet somewhat true remark!"

Whittle jumped up on top of the table. "I pay for nothing! I am the greatest writer ever, and you will bow before me, you son of a white chicken!"

"You have insulted me and my family's honor," I uttered with latent rage. I then smashed the table into with a mighty chop, tumbling Whittle to the ground. "We must settle this as all disputes between bloggers - kung fu fight in the parking lot!"

Whittle picked himself up. "So be it."

Both of us were wearing a Nuke the Moon t-shirt, so we were equally armed. I could see from his stance, though, that his kung fu was inferior to mine.

Bill Whittle chooses the "Dyslexic Monkey" stance

My dragon claw style took care of him without me breaking a sweat. I then headed back to work, vowing to never meet other bloggers in person unless it's some speaking event where I'm paid.

"My poll numbers are up against that Frenchman and Woodward has this book out displaying my leadership," Bush announced, "It's time to do something stupid!"

"Did you even read that book Woodward wrote?" Laura asked while holding a copy of Plan of Attack.

"I'm waiting for the movie," Bush said as he picked up the phone, "I hope I'm played by Bruce Willis." He then spoke into the phone. "Get my cabinet together... it's time for something stupid!"

* * * *

"Let's nuke Finland," Condi suggested.

Bush ignored that. "Any other insane ideas."

"If you want even better poll numbers," Rumsfeld said, "You need another war. People like war."

Bush considered this. "Explain."

"I like war," Rumsfeld said, "I'm a person."

"Good point," Bush answered, "but I think you should finish your first war."

"It's being handled," Rumsfeld assured him. He then picked up a satellite phone and dialed Buck the Marine. "Why isn't every evil person in Iraq dead?"

"They're hiding and there's a lot of them," Buck answered, "I could use a little help. Plus, I'm running out of ammo and my Ka-Bar is getting dull."

"Quit whining! Now I want everyone in the tri-country area who has an evil thought in his head to also have a bullet in it!" Rumsfeld hung up. "It will be handled soon."

"Now I want some idea that will piss off even more everyone who already hates me and America," Bush said, "Who knows how long these poll numbers will last." He turned to Ashcroft. "You're good at pissing people off. Any ideas?"

"Well, golly gosh, let me think," Ashcroft said, "I have this new bill we can ram through congress called the 'I Love America' act."

"What's in the act?" Bush asked.

"You sure ask a lot of questions," Ashcroft declared suspiciously.

"It's just that..."

"Enemy combatant!" Ashcroft shouted as he pointed at Bush. ATF agents rushed into the room.

"It's cool! It's cool!" Bush assured them, and they slowly left. "Anyway, let's focus on pissing off other countries. I hate other countries."

"Then let's insult the U.N.," Condi suggested, "America did create it so that they could show our contempt to all countries at once. Maybe at their next big conference, we could send a monkey as a representative."

"One that bites!" Bush added excitedly.

"How about instead pissing off people and governments," Scott McClellan said, "why don't we go play some putt putt?"

"Great idea!" Bush exclaimed, "Go get us set up and we'll meet you there."

Scott ran out of the room. "Idiot," Bush remarked. "Now let's get back to the topic at hand. I find it very funny when the people who already hate me are made even angrier, and we have at this table the greatest collection of experts at pissing off hippies and Europeans. Now let's get a plan to abuse my office!"

* * * *

"Antarctica has been declared U.S. property," the anchorwoman announced, "President Bush saying he rightfully bought it from the natives - the penguins - for a handful of beads. All scientists and penguins still remaining on the South Poll have been herded up and placed in labor camps. The U.N. has quickly condemned this action, the U.S. representative to the U.N. responding by biting Kofi Anan and then swinging from the chandelier. A U.N. peacekeeper was brought in to bring calm... and then proceeded to attack everyone. The name of the peacekeeper has not been released, but reports are that he was angry. Very angry.

"In other news, President Bush is polling even better now against John Kerry who is currently embroiled in a legal battle with D.C. Comics. They have sued John Kerry for unspecified amount for being what they call a "blatant rip-off" of the Batman villain Two-Face..."

Frank Fans, make sure to decode the latest message this weekend.

Babes, this is your last weekend to prepare your entry (it's just a picture and a short statement, for pete's sake).

Everyone else, at ease.

Yesterday, I did a few shopping errands after work. I first stopped at Ammo Attic, a local gun store, buying a Wilson brand recoil spring to replace the one on my 1991 as Kim du Toit recommended (I mentioned firing problems here). I also got some grease for the rails, a sharpening stone, and finally the gun safe I've been meaning to for a while (it will be delivered next week). Okay, no problem.

So I head to Best Buy to purchase a cheap radio. I had gotten moved to a different building at work ten miles further north and am now in a cube, so I figure I should get a radio and headphones to clock out distraction. They had a nice little one with AM/FM reception and a CD player for $19.99, so I picked it up. When I got to cashier, the first thing she said was, "Can I see your ID?"

I stared at her stupidly for a second. So she repeated. "Can I see your ID?"

I rechecked my merchandise to see if a six-pack of beer had slipped in. Then I remembered my impulse purchase, the computer game Hitman: Contracts. I had really liked the previous one, so I picked this one up even though I hadn't seen the reviews yet. Due to "Intense Violence, Blood and Gore, Strong Language, Strong Sexual Content, Use of Drugs" it is both rate 'M' for "Mature" and promises to be fun (who doesn't dream of being a bald hitman with dual .45's?). Now I had some context for why she was asking for my ID. Still, though I look kinda youngish and am used to getting carded for adult beverages, I found it pretty insulting the implication that I appeared too young to buy a freak'n video game.

The cashier seemed to notice my displeasure and explained that she has to card anyone who buys a video game rated 'M'. Even if the customer has gray hair and looks eighty, she can't sell the game unless she's sees an ID. That made me a little mad - not enough to pull out two .45's and kill all witnesses mad - but, still, I'm sure it's a bigger provoker of violence than the videogame. It wasn't her fault, though, so I pulled out proof that my young eyes had seen the seventies and a credit card and was soon on my way.

So, does anyone know if this is a recent policy change at Best Buy (I'm pretty sure I've bought violent video games there before) and if anything specific triggered it?

Some have come out asking for the draft claiming only the poor and the stupid serve. Well, Pat Tillman gave up a 3.6 million dollar contract with the Arizona Cardinals to become a U.S. Army Ranger. Today, the Pentagon has confirmed he died in an ambush in Afghanistan.

Hundreds of heroes have given their lives in this war on terror, for our country and for others. On my way back from buying lunch, I heard Rush read from this article in the Chicago Tribune (requires registration but it's worth it). Marine Lance Cpl. Phil Frank, age 20, was killed in Iraq in early April. When his parents were asked by a reporter if they thought their son had died in vain, his father responded:

"The only circumstance I could ever imagine where I could say that I believe my son died in vain is if the United States turned around from that country and did not complete the mission to free those people and to make that government independent."

Anyway, I've been slack on my blogger duties, as there has been a big movement in the blogosphere to raise money for Spirit of America which is trying to help Marines help Iraqi kids in the Sunni triangle and other things as well (like fighting anti-American propaganda in Iraq). I missed out on Lt. Smash's auction, but here is one from John of Argghhh, auctioning off a GAU-8 Avenger cannon round to raise for Spirit of America. If someone knows a link to a central hub for all these fundraising activities, please tell me so I can add it to this post.

Spirit of America is also in my blogads (they paid for it, but I'll donate back the cost of the ad plus). You can go ahead and click on it to make a tax deductible donation.

I'm in a serious mood now, so Frank Answers™ will have to wait for another time. If anyone has anymore suggestions of how this blog can do a little to help our troops, please tell me.

Dammit! Kim du Toit won the "who would you want to cover your back" poll. You Frank Fans didn't vote for me enough, you limey bastards! I guess everyone just voted for Kim since he's scary looking and happens to know more about guns than anyone else in the blogosphere. Bah! Fine, have someone named "Kim" cover your back, and, while you're at it, why don't you get air support from "a boy named Sue".

Speaking of Kim and Sue, there is now the same poll but for female bloggers. Right now, my vote is split between Michele, who is scary, and Serenity, who I trust. I like Baldilocks and Kathy Kinsley too, but I don't know much about their gun prowress. I'm not going to vote for Mrs. du Toit out of spite of her husband winning the last poll. Well, I'd like to hear argument about who I should vote for. I forget who are atheists, though, as there aren't any atheists in fox holes.

I'll have Frank Answers™ later if I have time and you are all good. Also, I'll put up pictures of my pool table later if just mainly so my parents can see it.

I get all these e-mail solicitations from the John Kerry campaign for contributions, and I've finally decided to do something. So, for the first time ever, I'm going to fisk something. Here's a e-mail I got just two days ago:

Dear Frank,

Okay, this is my first fisk, and I've already run into a problem. I can't find anything wrong with this line. My name is Frank, and I am quite dear.

The Bush Campaign has violated every standard of decency by attacking John Kerry's military service. When it comes down to it, this is an attack on all veterans, soldiers and their families. And so we're asking for help from all Americans to hit back now:

https://contribute.johnkerry.com

Wow! Every single standard of decency! And their attacking every single veteran, soldier, and their families. That's a lot of people to attack. Do they know they're being attacked? Before I click and give you money, what's the attack?

RNC Chairman Ed Gillespie and Bush Campaign Manager Ken Melhman are running an ugly smear campaign on John Kerry's service in Vietnam. We've seen this before. In 2000 they ran a "whisper campaign" against John McCain, suggesting his time as a POW made him unfit for the Presidency. Then in this campaign, their surrogates have even questioned Max Cleland's war heroism -- a man who received a Silver Star and lost three limbs in the Vietnam War.

Okay, well here is how they supposedly attacked other people. I remember all that whispering I heard back during the Republican primary in 2000, but then I got pills to take care of that. And maybe Cleland's heroism should be questioned; why'd he'd hold on to his last limb. Wouldn't a true hero give that up as well?

Anyway, how are they attacking Kerry?

The fact is they're terrified of running against John Kerry's war record. And so they're desperately doing everything they can to try to tear it down.

Why would they be running against Kerry's war record? Is the campaign for gunboat captain? And again, what's this attack on Kerry? My ever shrinking attention span is... well... shrinking.

We need to hit back, and hit back hard to get out the truth. We've learned that the Bush Campaign will say and do anything in the attack ads they're running in key swings [sic] states. We've simply got to be able to counter them. And we can only do that if supporters keep contributing to our campaign at the record-setting levels we saw last month.

Give us the means to hit back. Contribute now:

https://contribute.johnkerry.com

Wow! Bush Campaign will say and do anything in their ads? Even soft-core porn? Because that's just not right... I think (I'm really not a political consultant). And there's that contribution URL again. No money for you, though, until you tell me what this supposed attack on you is.

Engaging extra fisk mode.
1...
2...
3...

As a young man, John Kerry volunteered for two tours of duty in Vietnam.

No one ever told me he served in Vietnam.

He risked his life while trying to save the lives of others.

Trying? To quote Yoda...

He was awarded the Bronze Star and Silver Star for going above and beyond the call of duty.

Why no gold star. Underachiever?

He was injured three times in battle and received three Purple Hearts.

Are you sure you want to brag about getting injured three time? Hey, I was once severely burned on my hand cooking a pot pie, but you don’t hear me bragging about it. And the scar is still…

Hey! It finally healed! Great, I hated having to explain how I got that while cooking a pot pie. The scar on my back is a much better story; it’s a knife wound from when I once got in an argument. I said, "That mole looks benign to me!" But my dermatologist disagreed – and she cut me!

Back to topic, I’m just saying that if I were in a warzone, I bet I could get injured way more than three times – some of it friendly fire.

The story Melhman and Gillespie are desperately trying to push is that John Kerry was not injured badly enough to receive one of his Purple Hearts.

Fianlly, there's the attack. Those rascally Melhman and Gillespie! They'll pay for this slander!

It sounds incredible, but that's the attack they're pushing: Not injured badly enough.

That is incredible! Not as incredible as the Hulk, but pretty damn incredible. Don't they know Kerry served in Vietnam?

You'd think this would backfire on its own. But most Americans are not familiar with John Kerry's Vietnam record.

This is the first I've heard about him being in Vietnam.

If all they hear is the Bush smear campaign in the press -- shady allegations and "questions raised" -- then the Bush Campaign's underhanded tactics will work.

Hey, I know how politics work, bud. But Kerry can't just whine about it; he needs to come out to the American people and say, "Dude, I was totally injured really really badly. Look! Here's the scar!" Scars are cool.

Help us fight back by contributing above. And if you're a veteran, John Kerry wants to know and asks you to join Veterans for Kerry right now:

http://www.johnkerry.com/signup/veterans.php

But I'm not a veteran. What do I do?

Thank you,

Mary Beth Cahill
Campaign Manager, John Kerry for President

Wait! Don't leave! I want to donate now but I forgot what the URL is!

Here someone putting bare all her beliefs, and it's strange it seems like that takes a lot of courage these days. You probably will think differently on a lot of things than her, but it's worth a read.

Yay! I got some stories from my old man (plus some others). I still have more stories waiting to be published, but, as always, I want more. So, if you have one, e-mail me with the subject "Military". Everyone else, enjoy.

* * * *

My old man, who has a first name that means "Frenchman" and - by the way - served in Vietnam, wrote these two stories, one from when he was in Germany before heading to Vietnam and the other from boot camp (FYI, my dad dodged the draft the old fashioned way - signing up):

I was in the Army stationed in Germany in January of 1969. Having to pull KP duty at least once a month, I always tried to get the position of washing pots & pans because everyone left you alone and it was fairly easy.......no one watched over you much. But one day a particular mess sergeant kept making me re-wash the pots etc because he felt them not up to "his standards"...after about three attempts to pass his inspection I took the ones I couldn't get clean and buried them in the snow out behind the mess hall. I figured someone other then me could worry about them in the Spring!

I went through "boot camp" at Fort Dix, NJ in the winter of 1967-68. I was from Southern California and was here because they wanted me to go to Officer Candidate School as I had graduated from college. Most of the training company I was in was made up of others like me or draftees from the streets of New York City and Philadelphia. The first day that we were given bayonets to drill with, over fifty were "lost or missing" when we turned them in at the end of the day. After searching for hours, threatening everyone with the "brig", and keeping us up until midnight, they finally gave up with about 10 still missing. Everyone was pretty nice to each other from then on, not knowing who had one of the missing weapons!

John helps translate some military lingo for us:

Frank, here's a list of military terms for the Military-English dictionary. I certainly invite other readers to add, edit or correct. Keep in mind that my experience was with the 82nd Airborne, and the Army National Guard. Some terms may have different meanings to other units or branches. Also, this isn't really "family friendly."

Without further fuss, and in no particular order (including alpha) I present the following:

REMF - Rear Echelon Mother Fucker; a clerk, cook or mechanic. Term of derision for non-combat personnel.
Think of PVT Wompum(sp?) in Saving Private Ryan

Top - First Sergeant, senior NCO at Company level.

FUBAR - Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition; hopeless situation or condition. [Ed Note: In programming, common function names for example code are "foo" and "bar".]

Cherry - a new trooper or soldier.

Humvee - OK, dammit - it's NEVER been called a HUMMER by troops (at least when I was in) a HUMMER is something a girl gives you! A HMMWV is a Highly Mobile Multi-Wheeled Vehicle. Far superior to the 50 grand lump of shit civilians are issued.

Cut-V - also Cuck-V; basically a stripped down Ford Blazer with camo paint. Formally known as a CUCV, Commercial Cargo Utility Vehicle.

TA-50 - Equipment issued a soldier upon assignment to a unit. Items such as protective gear, special equipment and such. Different from basic issue which is blouse, pants and boots.

Cunt Cap - Funky looking hat worn by most soldiers before the "Black Beret" was sullied and issued to legs. Class A uniform hat.

Leg - on-airborne qualified personnel. Term of derision.

Red Leg - artillery personnel. Term of endearment.

SPORTS - acronym for performing immediate action to correct firing problems with M16A1/A2 rifles. Slap, Pull, Observe, Release, Tap, Squeeze. Kind of sexy if you think about it.

Bug Juice - basically pure DEET bug repellant. Neat thing about this stuff? Gives a positive reading on nerve agent test strips. Also melts plastic. Really.

MRE - Meal Ready to Eat. Also, Meal Rejected by Everyone, Meal Rejected by Ethiopians. I liked the peanut butter. [Ed. Note: Ethiopia actually was one of the countries that accepted donations of MRE's to be fair]

Poggie Bate - candy, goodies, sweets. Shit that reminded you there was a better world out there.

RTO - Radio/Telephone Operator. The guy who knew what was going on at any given time.

Weapon - M16A2.

Gun - Artillery piece.

Hump - March.

Humping the Pig - the act of carrying the M60 machine gun on a patrol or march.

Short or Short-timer - nearing end of duty period or service commitment.

PLF - Parachute Landing Fall, execution of contact points upon parachute landing to minimize impact.
(See Fourth Point of Contact)

Fourth Point of Contact - Buttocks, derived from PLF.
Often used in phrase "Get your head out of your fourth point of contact."

Light-Blub Leader - also Spot Light Leader; person who performs at highest levels only when being observed by superiors. Usually used in training situations like PLDC (Primary Leadership Development Course for NCO's) or OBC (Officer Basic Course).

Well, that's all I can come up with for now - maybe your readers have more?

Ryan has more on the infatuation of the military with breasts (who woulda thunk?):

Have another "Dolly Parton" term for you. I served in the nuclear navy (Submarine Service, yes, we are weird, why else would I read IMAO?)

The fission product yield curve-

http://t2.lanl.gov/tour/yields.gif

was originally referred to as the "Mae West" curve for obvious reasons. Some instructors at Nuclear Power School in more recent years have switched to "Dolly Parton" because the kids have no idea who Mae West is. Durn kids...
I'm not sure if they even use this anymore, as they started admitting women in '96, and the Navy is very sensitive about sexual harassment.

On a side note, if you look into colleges that give credit for military service, they tend to award more for Army, Navy, and Marine training over the Air Force. I believe this is because the AF training is highly specialized in individual components and "black box" change outs, while the other services concentrate on general principles and system interrelations.
For example-

http://www.excelsior.edu/military/military.htm

Here's a Marine's perspective of the Air Force from first hand experience (poor Air Force, but this is pretty damn funny):

My name is Kurt, but I go by "Devil Dog" on your site. That is a nickname that Marines earned during WWI. It was found to have come from the Germans- who said we fought like "tuefel hunden".

Here's another "perspective" story.

First, I need to say that I have supported the Air Force a few times already in some posts here. The Combat Controllers and PJ's are very hard core and tough hombres. The Air Force as a whole is an awesome organization that accomplishes its mission with amazing and highly motivating efficiency.

Having said that, I would add that comparing them to a "military" service like the Army or the Marine Corps is like comparing a district attorney to a police officer. They both work in law enforcement... but that's about as far as it goes. The DA wears a suit and works in an air conditioned court room- often lunching at the local bistro and taking cocktails at the Hyatt. The police officer works with the scum of the planet and eats old sandwiches... and then throws down beer while playing pool in a dirty, but comfortable dive.

I realized early on that the Air Force was different from my Marine Corps. I went to high school with a guy named Ray. Ray enlisted in the Air Force and I in the Marine Corps. Almost immediately after graduation, I went to boot camp, while Ray chose to wait a few months before going to his basic training.

Well, after thirteen weeks of a life altering, incomparably indescribable experience, I returned on leave to my hometown. I went in to visit my recruiter (okay, so I was actually going there to murder him) and saw my old friend Ray in the Air Force office. He was just back from a grueling six weeks of... something he called "basic training". He was wearing his blue uniform and the first thing that occurred to me was that he was in dire need of a haircut. Next, I noticed that he was sporting three ribbons. THREE. I looked down at the breast of my khaki shirt to see nothing but the shiny rifle expert badge. No ribbons.

That was in 1981... and, at that time in the Marine Corps, it was not uncommon to see even a sergeant with only one or two ribbons on his chest. There was no war on at the moment and the Marine Corps does not just hand stuff out. Keep in mind also that for a young man just out of boot camp, having ribbons would have been a very cool thing, indeed.

Anyway, I asked Ray what the ribbons were for. I figured he must have been part of some secret mission, or maybe involved in a life saving operation or something. He smiled as he explained. "This one," he said, "is for graduating basic training."

Huh?? Come again?? You get a ribbon for that? I didn't get one. All I got was the title of a United States Marine and the Eagle, Globe, and Anchor to prove it. Okay, I'm on top with this one.

He pointed to another one. "I got this one for the half day we spent carrying the M16 rifle. We even fired a few rounds out of it."

...fired a few... HOLY CRAP!! I NAMED my rifle-- slept with, made love to, and talked to my rifle for three months!!! And qualified expert on a VERY challenging course of fire. Still... I looked down to my badge... this round went to me also.

As for Ray's final ribbon... I was going to make something up because I really do not remember what he said he got that one for. I decided, though, that wouldn't be right. So, I'll just let you imagine what it may have been for. Maybe someone out there will have some idea what it could have been. All I remember is that it was pretty and shiny, and Ray had put it on crooked.

So, what have we learned? Well, we've learned that we're all different and special in our own way. The Air Force uses decorations to appeal to the ego of the young airman and the Marine Corps uses history and pride and all that stuff. The result is that Marines will fight and win spectacularly, so long as you promise them their rightful place in history while letting them kill bad guys-- and the Air Force will fight and win spectacularly (from a distance, of course), so long as you give them lots of shiny, pretty stuff and lots of creature comforts. Right or wrong, this system seems to work.

Semper Fi!!

P.S. Memo to Air Force: You wouldn't have to "Aim High" if you took the time to learn about the adjustable sights... Kentucky windage is a poor substitute for marksmanship efficiency.

Finally, a number of people have pointed me to this, so I'll finally just put up a link. Here are "The 213 Things Skippy is no Longer Allowed to do in the U.S. Army". Definite drink alert on these.

Here is your first mission, Frank Fans. Use pad X-1:

81 0d cf dc 2a 0c bd 2a 52 84 24 dc 20 da 61 9d
ee d2 0b df 54 f4 cd 3f 16 bd 2f 64 08 0e 16 84
c2 4f d3 16 9f d7 09 2e 07 eb 42 ec 5f 35 1b 17
0d ec c3 b2 2a 5e 3d 95 dd d3 b6 e8 49 45 2a e2
f0 18 93 ed 83 75 6e 4a ae b9 3b 1a 73 f0 f3 a0
92 ff 2b f4 b8 87 2c 46 f1 b4 4e 02 6e ec d1 6d
62 fc f4 f9 37 17 33 3b d1 88 87 2a 03 ae 05 99
48 03 d6 da 9b ae b4 fd 1b dc 71 67 8c ed 46 e1
af f7 66 18 79 37 a7 3c c4 51 f1 5f 42 24 06 20
dd a7 c0 dc 1f 04 04 b6 cd 8c 52 cd 5c c8 52 7c
24 a3 3d 18 7c 58 17 f4 4d b6 d7 23 c4 14 cb 49
a6 e2 42 6e e2 1a 9d 71 32 2a d5 cf b6 ee 32 d0
69 db 79 4d 3d d3 be bf 80 ec 75 17 6f 81 97 c3
42 3d 4a 73 69 8e c6 05 84 95 ca ba 3e 4f 31 7c
3b ac 9e 40 53 da 30 b4 6f 95 2f 6c c8 0a bb 2b
51 b3 56 74 0d 82 aa 18 0f 21 56 38 d9 92 b6 0e
a3 6a e1 88 98 49 34 bb bc 40 7a 2b 18 59 ac b2
5c b5 64 bb 79 c3 bd 60 24 78 bc 89 58 8b 85 9e
33 e2 75 bf bf 3a 0e bf 86 2d ca b1 da a1 d7 aa
2a c0 43 f2 47 5c 5e 90 b4 28 16 6d 70 b3 2d 58
32 93 72 98 ef e4 b0 1c aa 90 57 8a fe 55 d3 d2
dd ad 6d ab 9e f2 8e f9 37 b9 20 01 1f cb 2b dc
73 1a 47 8c cb e6 91 fc 29 4c 7e a2 0f be 53 ab
ad 62 4f 19 76 18 0a 27 75 70 7f 83 e1 73 17 c1
09 91 e8 26 04 95 30 61 5f 17 0b be ed 43 69 60
0b 88 4d da 19 fb 20 24 2f 07 bf 75 d8 7b 5d 1a
0c 45 88 4d c4 df ed 65 1b 87 d1 ba a5 4c 74 53
71 d5 93 f2 9b b6 77 44 e7 62 91 dc bd e9 11 d5
1a 24 86 70 13 8b d7 55 e3 1d 37 f9 fb 55 c2 32
a0 4e 54 5d 4d 44 5b 33 3e fe 4b c1 04 79 ee 13
4f 43 39 f3 5b a5 75 3a 93

First and second rules apply doubly for this, and thanks once again to Orion for making this so easy for us.

Sorry to those who have signed up but never got the welcome message with the pads. I'll try and rectify that, though. I'm thinking to limit my fan club membership at some point, though, because of all the secrecy (plus, things are cooler when they're exclusive). Not just anyone can be a Frank Fan!

I just had a realization about what politician I hate the most, and it kind of surprised me. But, every time I see him on T.V., I get this punch reflex where my hand curls itself into a fist.

So, my most hated politician is...

No joke in this one, but with all the bad news out of the Middle East, it's nice to hear about a woman in Saudi Arabia willing to stand up and fight for change. Go to this blog (title "Standing Up in Saudi") to see about it and read the news story.

A lot of reform is needed in the Middle East, but it will come one day.
(thanks to El Jefe to alerting me to this)

Okay, I know a lot of you were waiting for the Nuke the Moon t-shirt to come back, but this is crazy. In the past couple days I've sold about as many t-shirts as I did all last month - and last month was nearly a record month for t-shirt sales. The problem, you see, is that each time one of you orders one of my t-shirts, I get an automatic e-mail notification. So, this morning I wake up with big desire to enlarge my penis and heighten my sex life, but I can't find my usual spam among all the t-shirt orders!

Calm down people! I know you're all worried (quite legitimately) that if you don't order soon, you'll lose your chance again at owning one, but, at this rate, all the shirts will be sold out before they're even printed. And then poor Doug the t-shirt guy will have to box and ship them all and all that work might kill him! And I somewhat don't want Doug to die!

So, take the t-shirt ordering down a notch... even if that means you're going to miss out again.

BTW, SondraK (who is having a competition you should check out) reminded me of something I linked to when the NTM t-shirts first came out - how to use your t-shirt to become a ninja! This can be done with any IMAO t-shirt - but no others.

BTW, Rumsfeld must obviously wear a Nuke the Moon t-shirt under his jacket as you can see from this picture.
(sorry, I forgot to write down which reader sent that in - but you rock!)

Finally, I was thinking, why don't I just update my NTM essay as my first column submission? Only a fool could refuse printing such genius - and it eve has a Simpsons quote. Jonah Goldberg is going down!

It's one week until the deadline to enter the IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest. Thanks to all those who have entered so far, but the number is far under what I'm looking for. I expect more from you babes. Anyway, to help out, here are some answers to some common questions.

Q. What is the purpose of the essay?
A. The essay is a way to show your babeness in a non visual form. It should express a hawkish statment and not be longer than 200 words since I have a short attention span. If you're barely literate, it can be really short and congratulations for reading this far.

Q. What if I'm a pacifcist? Am I then disqualified?
A. If your short statement can convince the judges that the war on terror is wrong, then you can still win. So yes, you are disqualified.

Q. What should the photo be of?
A. That's to your discression, but no photoshopping. It should show off your modeling skills, and probably be more than just a head shot since the idea is to find a t-shirt model.

Q. I think monkeys are funny. Can I still win?
A. You'll lose my vote, but that's only one of nine.

Q. How do the prizes work?
A. You get all the IMAO t-shirts and then will recieve the hundred dollars cash and the hundred dollar ThoseShirts.com shopping spree upon sending back pictures modeling the shirts. If enough people participate, there may be prizes for finalists.

Q. What if few people participate?
A. Then you will embarass me in front of other bloggers, and I'll put up a "No Girls Allowed" sign on my site. That will teach you babes.

Q. Will being the IMAO T-Shirt Babe lead to and industrous modeling career?
A. Most certainly.

Q. That's not very many questions for an FAQ. What's up with that?
A. It's a simple thing to enter. So do it!

I just got back from having lunch with Bill Whittle. Once I recover from that horrible experience, I'll write more details.

BTW, I've fallen behind in this poll. Go vote for me now, unless, rather than cover your back, you want me to empty a magazine in it.

NOW!

UPDATE: Somehow, I think some of this is directed at me. Well, I won't take this lying down! Sitting in an ergonomically comfortable way, yes - but not lying down!

But where does the Emperor's vote lay?

Obviously, about everyone has decrypted the previous message, but, unfortunately I didn't get the new one done yesterday (I finally got a pool table; sweet!). I'll have it soon (thanks to Orion's Wakazachi program), and it should be cool.

First and second rules...

There are a lot of insurgents causing trouble in Iraq, so I decided the least I could do was set out my crack research team to find out as much as they can about them.

FUN FACTS ABOUT IRAQI INSURGENTS

* The difference between an "insurgent" and a "terrorist" are the spellings and pronunciations.

* The Iraqis violently fighting against the coalition are a minority, and thus should be given preference in hiring and college admissions.

* Some people are against America because they actually liked rule under Saddam. Hey, if they liked torture and oppression, maybe we should be more accommodating to their tastes.

* The natural predator of the Iraqi insurgent is the U.S. Marine which has no known predator and threatens to cause their complete extinction.

* Some religious leaders are causing insurgency in a grab for power. Religion should never be used to grab power. It should only be used to give oneself moral grounding, explain the reasons behind existence, and shame others.

* Monkeys are also opposed to Americans, and are being summarily executed.

* Some consider those fighting Americans to be patriots of Iraq, but, since they harm people of their own country and are trying ruin its future, the more accurate terms for them is "total douches".

* Insurgents like to use bombs. If you see someone with a bomb, be careful - he may insurge!

* Some insurgents aren't Iraqis at all, but instead are people who have traveled to Iraq since there aren't enough opportunities in their own country to be killed by coalition forces.

* That Sadr guy is kinda chubby. I don’t know the relevance of that, but it is a fact.

* Frankly, I'd rather be a chubby cleric than the usual blind cleric, but I don't know if Allah gives you a choice.

* As a defensive measure, Iraqi insurgents will sometimes run away screaming.

* The insurgents have all the battle knowledge that can be gained by skimming through a copy of The Idiots Guide to Insurgency.

* The insurgents are opposed to democracy because then people will vote that they shouldn't insurge so much. And, if they can't insurge, then they'll probably have to finally get that job at McDonalds, and they don't want that. Hey, it really ain't that bad.

* Since Americans and allies are trying their best to build schools and an infrastructure in Iraq and people still try to kill them, that just proves you can't even please everybody some of the time. Luckily, we can kill anybody anytime.

* Insurgents are trying to use hostages to force American allies to remove troops from Iraq. Hey, not all our allies are yellow-bellied Spaniards.

* In a battle between Aquaman and Iraqi Insurgents, Aquaman's fish friends would warn him of any bomb attack allowing him to easily avoid it... if the insurgents tried to attack Aquaman in the water. If the attack were land, as usual, Aquaman would be screwed.

* France is now considering sending troops to Iraq so they can give in to terrorists demands and then remove them. Those guys haven't had a good surrender in a while.

* If you’re surrounded by insurgents, kill them with your guns. If you're in Iraq right now, you should probably have guns.

* Know what? We should really just go ahead and make Iraq into the richest, most stable democracy in the world. That should piss off those filthy insurgents. Wankers.

Due to popular demand, Nuke the Moon t-shirts are now available in Small.

Man, I hadn't been to the range in a while. Now, I've never had any formal shoot'n train'n, so I've had to learn a lot of this on my own. I decided when I go to the range, I have to have some sort of goals, so this time I just brought my two carry guns - my Colt 1991 (.45) and my Walther PPK (.380). I also brought my eight inch barrel Colt Anaconda because it's just so damn cool.

Anyway, my goal was to practice defense shooting and try out some defense rounds, and damn, it was an expensive outing. Range fee was ten bucks, but I spent more than $130 (though not all that ammo was shot at the range). I got a box of .380 FMJ ($11), box of .45 FMJ ($12), box of soft tipped .44 magnum ($21 - expensive, but it's fun!). I then bought some MagSafe pre-fragmented ammo for my PPK ($17 for eight rounds) and two small boxes of high quality hollow points for my .45 ($17 bucks each). I also got some snap caps for my .380 ($17) for home practice.

When firing two handed, I use the good 'ole isosceles stance. That's feet at shoulder width, tilt my self back slightly while holding the gun straight out, right hand pulling back on the gun while left hand pushing forward. For one handed shooting, I have the foot slightly forward of the hand that is holding the gun and put the other hand in my pocket.

Anyway, here are the shooting results. I forgot to bring a pen, so this is what I remember each target representing. Each target represents a couple of reloads.

I started with firing my PPK with my left hand (my off hand), since I carry it for a left hand draw. To simulate an actual situation, I fired the first shot in double action. Here's how I did at seven yards (I consider that a defense distance).

Now I switched to two hands on the PPK. The first two shots were the MagSafe, which went straight through the bullseye. I saved the other six bullets for carry ammo.

My main gun is my Colt 1991. It's a regular size 1911, and I think that gives it good intimidation value. Here's my results firing with my right hand only.

If I have a choice in the situation, I'd draw the .45 with two hands and fire it two handed. In this instance, I blew through a box of the hollow points to see how my gun handled them, putting the target at ten yards. Quite an interesting pattern. Sometimes I seem to fire the Colt better one handed.

I'm considering getting a second .45, so I tried operating it left handed with the target a seven yards. Well, they all went in the target (well, one just grazed it). I was told the gun was specifically engineered for the right hand, and there was a huge difference in the kick back between the two. When fired with my right hand, it kick straight back. With the left hand, the recoil twists my hand up and to the right. Up, and to the right.
Up... and to the right.

Now for some fun. I put the target all the way out (25 yards, I think) and fired off my Colt Anaconda with two hands on that baby. Oh, yeah!

Now I tried the Anaconda with one hand (at seven yards). It's so heavy, that my hand was shaking so much making it hard to aim. I also fired my PPK left-handed on the same target. See if you can tell the .44 magnum holes from the .380.

For some reason, I decided to end with the PPK two-handed. What happened with those two outside of the black?

Next time, I'll do more .45 focus. There were some problems. My .45 sometimes didn’t close completely over a new round (usually the last round in the clip when it happened). The slide then needs slight nudge to close completely. I wonder what causes that – the ammo or the magazine? Also, a couple time the PPK didn’t cock itself after firing. I think that’s a malfunction of the safety accidentally being worked (the safety also decocks the gun).

On my way out, I saw the gun store had a Kel-Tec P3AT selling for only $265. I told you about this gun earlier; it's a .380 made locally (Cocoa, FL) that is small enough to put in one's back pocket. I decided to snatch it up, thus making my first handgun purchase (all my other handguns were given to me by my dad - the coolest dad ever!). With all the forms and phone calls, you think I was buying plutonium. Even if I was a criminal, what kind of shooting spree could I go on with a six-shot .380? At least I didn’t have to wait two days to bring it home since I have a CCW.

Anyway, it's a cool gun. Look how small it is. And how thin. It has no external safties, and relies on a stiff double action. Interestingly, you have to work the slide to pull the trigger again (of course, the explosion of the bullet rakes the slide for you when live firing). Also, it doesn't lock on an empty clip (but how useful is that really?). It has a six-round mag, so you can keep seven rounds in it if you load the chamber and then put another in the magazine.

I already ordered a Graham's Leather Cookie for the back pocket. It will give it the profile of the wallet while making an easy draw for a mugger's surprise... if the Gun-Tests review was accurate.

I haven't had a chance to fire the gun yet, but it should have some huge kickback since it's so small. Loaded with the MagSafe, it should make a nice little carry piece, though. When I have a chance to fire it and get the holster, I'll tell you more.

Happy shoot'n and make sure you identify what you're aiming at. See you later.

* Nuke the Moon: It's back!

This is your chance to get in the Peace Gallery. Also, if you've never actually read the essay, you're and idiot and I have nothing but contempt for you. Plus, there's the special NTM IMW.

BTW, there is now a quote from me on ThoseShirts.com on the main page, plus I have a new description for the KTE:French Shirt. Man, I never did come up with a good promotional idea for my educational shirts. Maybe pictures of people teaching kids to hate the French and Terrorists.

* Everybody's Happy: So Israel kills Rantisi, and you think everybody should be happy. Israel should have one less terrorist to deal with, and Rantisi gets 72 virgins, but the Palestinians act mad, saying how they're going to really, really try to kill Israelis now (like what they were doing before?). That's crazy. If I were an Israeli official, I'd say, "You Palestinians should be happy we help you get your virgins... unless you don't actually believe in your religion. If that's the case, then shame!"

* Targeted Fun: Man, targeted killing sounds so cool. I wish we Americans had people to cruise missile. Maybe we could do that to Munchie (Sadr). I think Israel doesn't exploit targeted killings enough, though. They really should have cameras on the front of the missiles and then have a show called "Terrorists Funniest Last Expressions".

* Keeping It Up: Bush is leading Kerry in the polls now, which is good because I don't like Kerry. I think a lot of that has to do with him being a Democrat. I don't like Democrats.

Ooh! I need to do a Know Thy Enemy™ about Democrats before the election. Already have one planned for tomorrow.

* The Spench: Bush scolded the Spaniards for pulling out their troops, saying, "You cowardly, unwashed Spaniards! I spit on your mothers!" Actually, I don't know what he said, I didn't have time to read the article. Anyway, I'm sure this gives comfort to our enemies which means more killing will be needed to settle things. That will make the Marines happy, but not the Iraqis.

* Got Your Six: The Barking Moonbat has a poll about which blogger would you want to cover your six in a foxhole in Fallujah (are there foxholes in Fallujah?). I'm not doing so well. I remind you I'm a very good aim (I'll have a post with pictures later today to prove it), and could easily shoot you in the back of the head if you don't trust me. So go vote for me.

* Bad Fans: Camille doesn't think my fan clubs are doing a great job. I really don't know what fan clubs are supposed to do, never having joined one (why would I have to look up to someone else when I'm me?). What do you think you should do? Should we have nickname like Jonah's fans? They're called "Flying Monkeys" which is evil. I suggest my fans be called "ronins". What do you think?

* Secret Stuff: Apparently, most people have now decrypted the message and followed the instructions (thanks to Orion). The first mission will be posted soon. This is going to be such cool spy stuff I wish I were you.

No I don't; it's cool being me... master spy!

Anyway, remember the first and second rules...

* The Limey: The Limey sent me another e-mail and its really long and I didn't even bother reading it yet. To be honest, I've kinda gotten tired of his shtick. This will be the tenth, so maybe I should make it the series finale. Do you think I should wait to respond until after May 1st to see if capitalism falls on that day like he says?

Once I'm done with him, a reader (sorry, I forgot who; tell me in the comments) sent me this to get rid of him.

* Almost There: Look at these two Cox & Forkum comics that Baldilocks put together (and the first was made right after Yassin was killed making it somewhat prescient).

* Lazy Babes: There's still a week left to enter the contest, but I'm a little antsy that very few have entered the IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest so far (and thanks to those who have). Are you all waiting for the last minute? I hope the reissue of the Nuke the Moon T-Shirt is enough to motivate you to get off your lazy babe asses.

Since there have been some questions, I might have an entry FAQ tomorrow at the one week deadline.

* Me Busy: Sorry to have so little, but Monday nights I have martial arts followed by my writing group followed by bed (BTW, if people are interested, maybe I could share some of my writing with the ronin; damn, that reminds me - I need to get to writing that freak'n column so I can steal Jonah's job!). To help, maybe next Monday I can put up a post where you can all comment on the topics of the day so I know what to write about Tuesday morning.

I have some photos of the results of my recent trip to the shooting range which I'll share with you later today if you are all good.

Ciao.

Calm down...

Calm down Frankie-boy...

Okay, people, I have to announce that...

F@$k! I can't believe it!

...anyway, I have to say...

Dammit! I'm so excited I can't type...

Frank! Get a hold of yourself, man!

Anyway, my announcement is that...

I really like this feature, so, if you have something, either a story or a joke, e-mail me with the subject "Military". Everyone else, enjoy.

* * * *

Pw2 who can confirm firsthand that those camel spiders are large and hard to squish, writes about the incompetence of his own branch:

Many of the comments from Marines about the Air Force not being ready for combat are unfortunately spot-on. I’m a Major in the Air Force Reserve, actually I’m a full time member of the reserve I’m what is know as an Air Reserve Technician. Last year I deployed to Al Udeid Air Base Qatar from June to November in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom. I was deployed as the Deputy Air Reserve Component Liaison. That means I worked for a full Colonel (O-6) who was the Air National Guard’s (ANG) and Air Force Reserve Commands (AFRC) representative on the staff of the Commander Air Forces Central Command. (My Colonel was the go between from the 3 star ANG General and the 3 star AFRC general to the Active Duty 3 star general in charge of the air war.) So as to provide continuity, the Liaison position and the Deputy Liaison position were on staggered 120 day tours. That means the first Colonel I worked for left after about 60 days and a new Colonel replaced him. (I left about 75 days later and was replaced by an ANG Lt Col)

As part of our duties we traveled around the war zone and checked up on the ANG and AFRC troops and made sure they were getting treated fairly. So while I was in the ultimate REMF (Rear Echelon Mother F*%$#r) position, I did travel into Iraq several times. Now the first guy I worked for was pretty sharp I would have confidently followed him into battle. However, the second guy (I’ll call him “Brother Bob”) while a good man who I am sure will get into heaven, would not inspire fear in the hearts of our enemies.

On my first trip into Iraq with “Brother Bob” pretty well sums up why Air Force Officers probably shouldn’t carry guns. Since we were leaving early Tuesday morning, we went to the “armory” on Monday afternoon to get issued weapons (9mm pistol). Since tent city is a weapon free zone, I stored my weapon in Col “Brother Bob’s” trailer inside the CAOC (Combined Air Operations Center) compound. I frankly forgot about the weapons after we locked them up. Since we had a lot to do before traveling (packing, laundry drop off, working out, putting DCU (Desert Camouflage Uniform) covers on our body armor…) we agreed to take care of our errands and meet up again after chow.

When we met back up Col “Brother Bob” (sorta under his breath) told me he needed my help because he had “broken” his gun. He tells me that he was trying to slide it back like he did at the range and it came apart and he couldn’t get it back to together. He goes on to tell me that he asked one of his roommates for help (another Air Force Colonel) and he couldn’t get the gun put back together either. Trying not to laugh, I tell him not to worry I’m sure I can help him put his weapon back together. So we go back to his room were he hands me the disassembled weapon, and I attempt to reconnect the slide to the receiver. It won’t go back together (the two Cols were right about that). Here is where I add to the Air Force Officer mystique, as I removed the slide to investigate what is wrong I forgot to put my thumb on the recoil spring to hold it in place. The recoil spring fell out of place and launched the guide pin across the room. At this point Col “Brother Bob” begins to get nervous and starts to question if I know what I’m doing. I of course assure him I do and I was just careless to let the “pin” get launched like that. (Which is actually true I did know what I was doing, but I was careless) I do admit it took me another couple of minutes (rather than the few seconds I anticipated) to figure out the problem and get the weapon reassembled. (One of the Colonels “twisted” and locked the disassembly button so the weapon could not be reassembled. Once the problem was identified it was easily corrected.) I then briefly went over how to cock, load and reload the M-9.

As a safety measure since we weren’t leaving the Air Base, I made sure we kept our weapons unloaded while in Iraq. I couldn’t think of any viable scenario where the time it takes to put a clip in the weapon would make any difference (with our limited amount of ability) between victory and defeat. I was convinced then and am still convinced we would have much more dangerous to ourselves than to the enemy if we had loaded our weapons. War is Hell!

David sent me this letter from Brad about how things are actually going in Iraq:

Hi everyone,

I just watched the evening news from last night. We get CNN on delay from the states. I realize that most of you dont know anything about what it is like over here except what you hear in the news. It is hard to believe just how wrong they are until you live through it. From what I hear in the news Our position is about to be overrun and we have resorted to negotiating with terrorists to take cities. That is bullshit. I just want to set the record straight. You dont hear about the operations going on 24 hours a day and the stories of guys giving it all for millions of people they dont know. You cant understand the "negotiations" the cobra gunship pilots are bringing to bare until you have seen one screaming across the open desert with singular intention. You dont hear of all the victories the truck drivers and logistics guys win each day just to get us food and water. You sure as hell dont hear about the intel victories. It is so true that when we do things right nothing happens and when we miss something everyone knows.
I was being harrassed by an Iraqi woman the other day for our pilots shooting a mosque. She couldnt see that a sniper in a minerette earned that full belt of 20mm cannon fire from the cobra. I mean, who knows...the pilot could have missed with the first 200 rounds. Better to be safe and finish off the can. Besides the gun camera shots make great morale films for those of us at base. There is nothing like seeing your enemy blown free of a 100' tower on a night vision scope. Perhaps it makes me a warmongering, blood thirsty, zealot, but I find that the only solution for fanatics is to bring to bare fanatics of our own. Did I mention I love my job. Ok enough of my ranting, I just wanted everyone to know that we are not sitting idly by waiting for insurgents to drop rounds on our heads, we are taking the fight to them. Each in our own way. We constantly remind these people of the great freedoms and liberties we offer and also the terrible swift sword that seeks those wh o bite our open hand of offering.

Yankee Imperialist Running Dog has a few more variations of the snipe hunt for newbies:

Frank, very funny stuff.
All the others, good stories, keep 'em coming. My Dad was in the Army, airborne infantry, in WWII and told me he sent money home to his folks to buy him a colt M-1911 .45 pistol as a back up even though he was supposed to have a sidearm since he was a Sgt., so who knows things fall through the cracks.
I was a newly minted ensign in '80 and, I guess, really a FNG and very green. An old CPO sent me on a snipe hunt down in main engineering as my right of passage. Embarrassing but all in good fun. Later, as an LTJG, I sent new ensigns to stand watch for the mail buoy and to the Quartermasters for some sky hooks.
Thanks for bringing back the memories. God bless are brave men and women in harms way that someday they will have memories of happier times.

Pam sent this story in which I assume is a joke:

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there, he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone, and that she wanted to break up with him ... AND, that she wanted the pictures that he had of her back.

So, the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all of the unwanted photos of women that he could find.

He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (some with clothes, some without) to his girlfriend with the following note ...

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

BloodSpite sends this one in about Rangers versus Special Forces:

Rangers vs SF

The Chief of Staff of the Army asked his Sergeant Major, who was both Ranger and Special Forces qualified, which organization he would recommend to form a new anti-terrorist unit. The Sergeant Major responded to the General's question with this parable: If there were a hijacked Boeing 747 being held by terrorists along with its passengers and crew and an anti-terrorist unit formed either by the Rangers or the Special Forces was given a Rescue/Recovery Mission; what would you expect to happen?

Ranger Option

Forces/Equipment Committed: If the Rangers went in, they would send a Ranger company of 120 men with standard army issue equipment.

Mission Preparation: The Ranger Company First Sergeant would conduct a Hair Cut and Boots Inspection.

Infiltration Technique: They would insist on double timing, in company formation, wearing their combat equipment, and singing Jody cadence all the way to the site of the hijacked aircraft.

Actions in the Objective Area: Once they arrived, the Ranger company would establish their ORP, put out security elements, conduct a leaders recon, reapply their face cammo, and conduct final preparations for Actions on the OBJ.

Results of Operation: The Rescue/Recovery Operation would be completed within one hour; all of the terrorists and most of the passengers would have been killed, the Rangers would have sustained light casualties and the 747 would be worthless to anyone except a scrap dealer.

Special Forces Option

Forces/Equipment Committed: If Special Forces went in, they would send only a 12 man team (all SF units are divisible by 12 for some arcane historical reason) however, due to the exotic nature of their equipment the SF Team would cost the same amount to deploy as the Ranger Company.

Mission Preparation: The SF Team Sergeant would request relaxed grooming standards for the team.

Infiltration Technique: The team would insist on separate travel orders with Max Per Diem, and each would get to the site of the hijacking by his own means. At least one third of the team would insist on jumping in.

Actions in the Objective Area: Once they arrived , the SF Team would cache their military uniforms, establish a Team Room, use their illegal Team Fund to stock the unauthorized Team Room Bar, check out the situation by talking to the locals, and have a Team Meeting to discuss the merits of the terrorists' cause.

Results of Operation: The Rescue/Recovery Operation would take two weeks to complete and by that time all of the terrorists would have been killed, (and would have left signed confessions); the passengers would be ruined psychologically for the remainder of their lives; and all of the women passengers would be pregnant. The 747 would be essentially unharmed, the team would have taken no casualties but would have used up, lost, or stolen all the "high speed" equipment issued to them.

Anonymous (though I know who he is) has this little vignette:

Love your military stories, by the way. Here's one you can post as from an anonymous reader. True story, happened to me.

I'm an Air Force guy who spends a lot of time in Army support assignments. Once while deployed in a tent city environment I was standing in line for chow in a tropical downpour, ankle deep in mud. A soldier in line in front of me turns and says "Hey, are you Air Force?"

"Yep" I reply.

"Man, I wish I'd have joined the Air Force" he said, "you guys don't have to put up with this shit."

Never occurred to him we were both standing in the same line.

"This war earns millions of dollars for big companies," the radio said as John Kerry was chauffeured to another event, "whether those who manufacture weapons or those involved in reconstruction such as Halliburton and its sisters and daughters."

"This man has the talking points down, Jeeves," Kerry remarked to his butler who was driving, "He might make a good running mate. Who is he?"

"Osama bin Laden, sir."

"Ethic, eh," Kerry remarked, "Even better. Make the call to him and see what he thinks about being my running mate?"

"But, sir, I don't think that's wise..."

"Are you questioning me!" Kerry screamed, "Do you know who I am? I served in Vietnam! My wife is rich! You don't questions me! Now get Osama bin Laden!"

The butler groaned. "Yes, sir."

* * * *

"I hate America! Kill all Americans!" Osama bin Laden shouted.

"One of those anti-war pacifists, I see," Kerry remarked and then handed Osama a script. "Here's what I want you to say for your ad."

The cameras were turned on and Osama started talking. "I am Osama bin Laden, and I hate Bush! He is ruining America, and his tax cuts have further wrecked the economy!" Osama then paused. "Actually, that's stretching the truth a bit."

"Just read the script!" Kerry yelled, "I'm John Kerry!"

* * * *

"Hi, I'm Rudy Giuliani, and I support President Bush. He was there for us in New York, and he'll be there for us in the future. Now excuse me, as I saw a panhandler out front and I'm now going to go beat the crap out of him." Rudy then picked up a pipe and walked off camera.

Bush quickly ran in front of camera holding both his thumbs up. "I'm President Bush, and I approved this message.

"Cut!" Cheney called out.

"Next time you be president and I be the director," Bush said.

"No," Cheney answered, settling in his director's chair, "and you're an idiot."

Clancy, Bush's intelligence guy, then came into the room. "Hey! It's Clancy, my intelligence guy!" Bush exclaimed.

"I can neither confirm nor deny that," Clancy answered, "But what I can tell you is that we've found Osama bin Laden."

"Hot damn!" Bush yelled, "How'd you find him?"

"We put agents in all the hotspots, intercepted every transmission in the Middle East, and read every newspaper there even though they're in funny languages. Then we had our top analysts check ever bit of datum. Finally, I went to watch an episode of Will & Grace and saw this." Clancy turned on a T.V.

"Kill joooos! Kill Americans!"

"I'm John Kerry, and I approved this message. Right, Jeeves."

"Yes, sir."

"Jiminy Jilickers!" Bush exclaimed, "Osama bin Laden is Kerry's running mate!"

"I can neither confirm not deny that," Clancy said, "Actually, I can't deny that, because it's true!"

"We need to have our snipers take him out at the next Kerry event!" Cheney stated.

"Whoa, hold your horses there, Dick," Bush said, "That will be labeled as just partisan sniping. Now that he's a Democrat, we have to kill him in secret. And he's given us a venue to kill him so secret, it's better than smashing him over the head with a trashcan in a dark alleyway - The Vice-Presidential debate!"

"But millions of people watch that," Cheney said defensively, "They like to hear us inconsequential entities debate the issues."

"Get your head out of your undisclosed location!" Bush yelled, "No one watches the Vice-Presidential debate. It's the perfect place to kill him secretly. I'll call Vinnie."

"Who's Vinnie?"

"Stop asking questions and get ready for a kill'n!"

* * * *

"...and thus the Rumsfeld Strangler and the Chomps Mangler still remain at large," the anchorwoman stated. "In other news, the Vice-Presidential debate between Dick Cheney and Osama bin Laden is tonight, and it promises to be boring and tedious. So tune in for a rerun of America's Funniest Home Videos."

* * * *

"So the location of the debate is goings to be secret until the last minute," Vinnie said as he chomped on a cigar, "But I gots my people on it."

"What people?" Cheney asked.

"Who is this gavone?" Vinnie asked Bush, "I lets him into my own garage, and he asks me nothings but questions."

"Dick, just listen, you gavone," Bush commanded.

"Anyways, when my peoples finds the place the debate is goings to be in," Vinnie continued, "they'll plants a gun under your podium. Then, you pulls it out, shoots him twice, and then casually drops the gun as yous walks out the door. We gots a nice place in Sicily for yous to stay until the heat dies down."

"I don't think I like this idea," Cheney said, "What do you think, Bush?"

"I think I folded the Mad Magazine fold in wrong or the joke is in Swedish," Bush said as he played with a magazine.

Cheney swatted the magazine out of Bush's hand. "That my latest issue of National Review!"

* * * *

"Osama, you get the first opening statement."

"America must die!"

"Thank you for your brevity," the moderator said, "Cheney, now your opening statement."

"That's just the same old Democrat rhetoric," Cheney said while sweating profusely as he groped under his podium. "Now, I didn't want to bring up my opponent's ties to terrorism..."

"Are you questioning my patriotism?" Osama shouted angrily.

Cheney crouched a little to search further under the podium. "The only one bringing up the issue of patriotism is you."

"At least I'm not a stooge of Halliburton!"

"I am my own man," Cheney said as he shook his podium.

"Then why is there an executive from Halliburton behind you waiting to poke you with a stick if you say anything against them?" Osama asked.

"You mean Bill? Well, I admit that sometimes Halliburton can be overbearing... OW! I mean, they're the perfect company, and I won't have people slandering them."

"All you Republicans are in the pocket of big business!" Osama shouted, "and... and... Are you hiding behind your podium?"

Cheney was on all fours looking on the ground. "No."

"Well I think you are hiding from the American people because you know that you can't support your positions on the issues... which were dictated to you by the joooos!"

There was ululation in support of that statement. Cheney peeked out from behind his podium to see the audience was filled with terrorists. "How can this get any worst?" he groaned.

"Now I want to talk about healthcare," Osama continued, "Which will be important when I kill Americans. So... what's this?" Osama pulled an object wrapped in a cloth from under his podium. "Is this a gun?"

Here's the same messages as before coded with pad X-5

6f a1 82 f4 74 1b c3 82 ef e7 64 8a 39 7a 52 53
dc e4 ba b1 70 8d 0b 5c 58 c4 f1 75 84 9f 78 88
f2 9c 9f fd f5 23 6b fa d5 34 7c 40 4a e5 0f a5
4d c0 91 ca 29 86 d8 be 88 a9 c4 29 3c f8 9f e6
9b 5b 73 3b 55 74 cb ad ac ab 89 c3 de 85 77 26
7a d8 2f 6f 6b 23 09 06 07 84 92 f1 f6 4a 16 f3
9e aa 5c 49 4f f1 fe ac 44 0e 18 d5 66 40 6c 9d
9e 60 91 47 c4 e0 a0 a2 8a a6 3f ce 8f 19 27 11
07 4e 5f 8e 81 ca b0 70 37 e4 6c 18 da 1d 84 60
0c be fb 38 34 4a e2 38 4c 9d 7f 08 2b 39 68 26
c1 a5 4e de d1 60 d2 59 4d 36 7e 78 3a df 68 e6
28 03 19 0c 79 30 27 9a 8c be 50 bb 4f 84 7c 50
20 df 99 29 89 4a 42 ee b3 e8 b6 01 5d e6 48 45
6f 3d 3b ff 08 6b f7 9e e9 8c 01 4d ed 59 2b f0
0c 7c 00 86 16 c6 37 40 25 91 cf 84 2f 43 1e ca
d8 7a 69 72 66 d7 f9 a2 02 e7 ec 95 71 10 76 c6
7e 83 da 91 6d 6c 10 63 f3 aa c5 83 cf 7c 03 44
94 b0 47 bc aa 74 2b d6 88 9c 37 ef b3 df 9d c0
be 54 75 33 ef 1f 0f 7f fc 77 ca 1c 71 d0 fe e4
56 c9 79 9b e5 b5 89 ee 04 65 cb 70 28 c6 02 18
d0

Orion had both given a nice program (Wakazachi - that's a Japanese short sword) for me to encode things and has this program for windows users to decode. If you don't have Windows, Orion provided this webpage to get the job done.

Everyone praise Orion now!!

When preparations are done, we should be able to have quicker response time for the actual mission.

Remember the first and second rules...

I forgot to mention I have an ad by Bryan Coffman running for Congress in Kentucky. He's come under attack by people from Daily Kos and Indymedia (booo!) and he needs your help. Go check out his site.

And Right Wing Stuff as decided to stick aorund for another month. Check them out too.

My Silly Sister Sarah now had a page on the Internet Movie Database. It doesn't list all her credits, and she still needs to add a biography, though.

I'm proud of her. Hopefully she can get a big film soon where one of the characters can wear my t-shirts.

I forgot to mention that yesterday was Punch a Saudi Prince Day. I hope everyone remembered anyway.

Reader Orion has made a really cool Windows program that will do all the decrypting for you (if you have the pad). I think I'm going to redo the message, though, because I messed up a but (the word "GO" is part of the code; yes, my secret message has the word "GO" in it). More details soon.

Use pad X-3

88 68 6e 16 9d f2 8b e0 13 6e c2 A8 0c 2b a4 5c
55 03 a5 c0 ec 9b fb 51 da 7b ec ef f5 6c 2d 1e
74 26 cf 1c 58 5f 10 44 fc e9 a4 76 69 46 17 91
1a d7 c6 57 ad b7 6b bf aa af 8e b3 10 ed 3f bd
84 dd 09 6c 15 19 d8 92 39 49 76 95 56 44 07 5c
5b 41 23 85 a8 ca a0 23 4f b2 6d 4d 49 4b 7d 22
a0 b2 2c bf 0b c5 27 6c cb 1a 30 00 a8 48 38 4e
65 e8 45 ce 64 cd 8c 31 b3 6b 06 d4 3d de ea a0
0d 27 b2 38 76 e0 66 eb 94 c0 02 b9 60 79 78 08
67 df 00 69 ab 53 a7 48 ad da 98 5a 90 4a cc 18
84 d4 98 95 GO d8 04 1e e4 d7 df 55 10 34 c1 97
89 dd e4 04 d2 a5 a5 39 78 bf 5b bf 9c 40 b9 45
8a 6f 69 0f ff 2e e8 29 b0 bd 0a 65 ee 65 cc 01
95 1a 22 8a 16 90 be 4c cb 38 48 66 58 a9 8d b5
f5 36 04 64 70 a7 7d af df 5d 5e dd 71 9c 34 f2
59 f2 fc e7 58 d6 e6 c2 7e e8 8c 6b 37 56 58 b3
c9 3b ce 40 52 00 ca 10 f0 16 e5 08 d0 05 1b 90
9a 1b 9e 0f 01 54 99 30 b2 43 b1 28 83 40 55 d4
e4 f5 6c a8 c4 d7 79 64 a6 bf 74 24 a9 f0 5d c6
ef 11 40 97 b1 ba e9 26 d2 70 3d 8f e5 d7 ad eb
50 e5 92 2b 20 6d 71 0e 5c 49 50 d6 a2 8a 0e 7f
0f 84 fb e2 b0 78 ac 65 02 e8 7b 12 e2 b2 1a 50
fc 3c 9f 57 0a d5 fb 51 42 48 d9 34 a7 2d 8e 18
09 83 4a 79 09 2d 96 68 d0 f3 f1 c7 f1 dd bc 7c
fb 29 9b 42 89 66 17 83 4a 36 3f 08 1d 41 78 46
a1 37 43 da 72 25 f9 4e fe da be 61 bd 3f 06 d2
f1 c2 8c dd 3d 15 dd 1b 59 4f 26 ed 53 95 7f a4
65 06 ed cd 7e 03 d0 1d 02 0e cb 0c 1d 6f c4 39
3d 99 b2 c4 bf fe f0 bd 17 27 48 35 39 ca b0 ef
74 b7 b1 4d fe 1b 54 6b 40 23 ce 03 15 33 e0 7e
d7 0a 42 fa 09 44 ae 06 60 13 09 29 45 4d 42 ca
d0 ad 1c 0b 73 ad 80 6d cf 8e 1d 98 a9 b0 2a 4d

INSTRUCTIONS: Open the Microsoft Calculator. Set View to Scientific. Select Hex and Byte in the radio buttons at top. Since the same two bytes XOR'd together equals zero, start where the code above begins to differ from the pad. Enter the byte from the code and then Xor it with the byte from the same position on your one time pad. Write down results. Your results should be hex that translates to ASCII test (table here; second column is hex). I used all caps, so, if you're doing it right, what you decrypt the code to should mainly lay between 0x41 and 0x5a (with 0x20 for a space, 0x2c for a comma, 0x2e for a period, 0x22 for quotes, and 0x2d for a dash). I must have accidentally skipped to lines, so two rows of the code within in the message will match up exactly with the pad and can be ignored (anything that XOR's to 0x00 can be ignored). Hopefully I didn't mess up so much that this is unreadable. I'll try to make future instructions shorter, but this is necessary preparation.

If some hacker out there wants to write a program to enter in two sets of 512 bytes and output ASCII text (discarding all 0x00) that would be appreciated.

Remember the first two rules of the Frank J. Fan Club...

UPDATE: This may be just a little too tedious (it was much more tedious encrypting the message, I assure you) so I may put preps on hold until I can get a program to do this automatically. Whatever you do, don't e-mail me what you were able to decrypt.

FIRST AND SECOND RULES!!!

John Kerry came out with a new misery index to try and convince us we're all miserable, but a higher number on it means less misery. That's wacky.

I decided to make my own index. A higher number means less misery on mine, too, so I call it the "Super Happy Index". Zero is suicidal unhappy, while it will only reach negative numbers if you live in another country. What makes my index different from others is it's an inverse to the misery of our enemies and takes in such factors as whether the president is named Ronald Reagan.

Super Happy Index

If you've been following the controversy, the number one google search terms for "Jew" has been an anti-Semitic site, so some bloggers have been trying to google-bomb the wikipedia entry for Jew to the top and have succeeded... for short periods of time.

Google refuses to remove the anti-Semitic site as the first search result even though they've removed other search results in the past. They have what sounds like a legitimate reasons for it, but Best of the Web yesterday poked some holes in that.

Guess, though, who is the first return results for "joooos"? Yeah, that's right.

Hey, if we tried to google-bomb a term with a google search for that term (like evil monkeys), could we cause an infinite google loop and crash google? Hmmm...

UPDATE: Google now has an explanation of the Jew search result.

ThoseShirts.com now has on its front page a picture of the Insta-Wife (who, lucky for contestants, is ineligible to enter the IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest) and a picture of Glenn Reynolds himself looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

Also, a new shirt is available for preorder. I came up with the phrase, but I don't get a commission for this one. Still, I think it's a pretty cool shirt and wanted to point it out.

The first secret message will be posted tomorrow. It will be a little prepatory exercise to make sure everyone is on the same wavelength.

And remember the first two rules of the Frank J. fan club...

John Hawkins of Right Wing News chose ten bloggers (5 male/5 female) he'd like to have around if stuck on a deserted island, and I made the cut for very logical reasons.

Laurence Simon says he'd go straight to cannibalism to conserve bandwidth.

Dawn Olsen doesn't seem to like my inclusion. Well, if it really is a deserted island, then it will be martial law, and I know how to handle dissent.

Does anyone else think I'm a self-absorbed, cocky jerk? I always thought I came off as cordial and witty.

SAY I'M CORDIAL AND WITTY!

NOW!!!

UPDATE: Joyce from Transcended is hot. Why'd no one tell me about her? I know who'd I be putting the moves on on that deserted island...

Rally round the family... with a pocket full of shells!
We rally round the family... with a pocket full of shells!
We rally round the family... with a pocket full of shells!
We rally round the family... with a pocket full of shells!

Sorry, one of my favorite Rage Against the Machine songs was on the radio as I drove back from picking up lunch. BTW, today is tax day and free cookie day at Subway if anyone forgot.

Anyway, here are some Frank Answers™ to some frank questions.

* * * *

Todd writes:
Finally I have found someone with the significant cerebral capacity to tackle my most baffling brainteaser:
If 1/Infinity is always 0, and anything/itself is always 1, what is infinity/infinity? 1 or 0?

Actually, I've posed this same math question to a number of mathematicians, and, not liking any of their answers, I dismissed them. The way I usually phrase the questions is what is the product of infinity times zero? My answer is one. Reasoning: infinity (i.e. everything) times zero (i.e. nothing) equals finite (i.e. something). It just makes sense. Anyone who says otherwise is an idiot and never returned the mechanical pencil I lent him.

Chris from Baltimore writes:
In some of my conservations with people, I find that I sometimes have to use your words of wisdom to get my point across. Is there a proper manner in which I should quote you, so that you can get proper credit for your wisdom?

The preferred form is either "As the most learned Frank J. once said..." or "As the exalted one spaketh...". Being me, I don't need to preface my own quotes in such a way, and usually start a statement with "Hey, goober!"

Sam from Buford, GA writes:
I have a classification question for you. Is bigfoot technically a monkey? If not, where does his allegiance lie? Also, is a 45 enough to stop bigfoot, or do I need to get a 44 magnum like Dirty Harry?

Now, I personally don't believe in bigfoot, but, if he does exist, then the most likely explanation is he is some sort of monkey conspiracy to design a uber-monkey to one day overpower man. Now, while I revere the .45, I'd say, when in any area there are bigfoot sightings, treat it like your in an area with known grizzly attacks and thus keep a .44 magnum handy. My dad bought his first .44 magnum for when fishing in Alaska, and, though he encountered neither bear nor bigfoot, it's just the smart thing to do.

Sderrick writes:
Alright, here’s a science question that I got confused over at first and my hippy boss tried to make me feel stupid about. If two particles are traveling at each other at the speed of light, what is their relative speed? The answer should be obvious but the real question is why.

Their relative speed will be the speed of light, as nothing can move faster than the speed of light. Seems like a paradox, doesn't it? That's because it is. Einstein realized this early on as a flaw to his theory of relativity, so he took the only remedy available: blackmail. Apparently, thought his research in physics, Einstein found some flaw in the universe so glaring that God would never want anyone to find out about it. So Einstein threatened God to make his speed of light paradox true or he would release his findings. God, Who is no stranger to paradoxes since He can both lift anything and make a rock He cannot lift, consented, but then cursed Einstein's hair so that no comb made by mortal man could tame it. And thus the theory of relativity was given substance.
(Source: Fundamentals of Physics by David Halliday)

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

One more thing, everyone stop being mean to Daily Kos. It's not his fault he's a complete muckadoo; they thought lead was good for you when he was kid.

Anyway, all this attention to his inhumanity and his racism is just keeping his traffic higher than the rightful ruler the blogosphere, the puppy blender.

Osama Bin Laden has yet another tape out where he threatens revenge against American and yadda yadda yadda. With all these tapes now, why doesn't just release a whole album: The Best of Bin Laden's Empty Threats.

Bring it on, bitch.

I should have asked how much Jonah Goldberg's job pays before I tried and steal it, as it's obviously not much since he has to have a second job at Starbucks. We should find out which and order him around.

Then again, it's hard for me to make a complex coffee order since I only drink it black. I guess I could order one of their wacky coffee mixtures and say leave out this and leave out that until nothing is left but the coffee. That should drive him nuts and teach him to do... uh... whatever is was that made me not like him.

"I'm President Bush, and I approve this message."

"You don't have to say that before a speech," remarked a reporter.

"Shut up!" Bush shouted, "This is my speech, and I can do what I want!" He looked at some index cards. "Now what did I want to say... Oh! We are doing good in Iraq. Many bad people are dying. Osama is a bad man and we will find him. There are many camels in Iraq. And... uh..." He shuffled through his index cards. "Oh yeah... and screw you stupid reporters. I will now open the floor for questions, but I would like to point out that I have one brick." Bush held up a red brick. "I will throw it at the head of anyone whose question makes me mad. You may think I might not use it on you because your question isn't maddening enough, but I remind you I'm quite impulsive. Who has the first question?"

"Would you like to apologize for anything involving 9/11 because... AHHH!"

"Damn; there goes my only brick," Bush sighed, "Next question."

"Do you regret anything during your presidency?"

"No, and you suck," Bush answered.

"Is there anything you think you should apologize for?"

"You're all asking the same damn questions!" Bush exclaimed, "I don't regret or apologize for anything. It was terrorists who crashed those planes on 9/11; not me! I only crashed two planes in my entire life, and never into buildings. And, after all the terrorist evil, I went and killed bad people, like a good president should. I regret nothing! Now does someone have some question that doesn't involve apologizing or regretting?"

"What do you think of comparisons of Iraq to the quagmire in Vietnam?"

"That's stupid," Bush answered, "Anyone who thinks that is a complete retard... and I mean drooling on himself. Let's look at the facts. Vietnam was a jungle. Iraq is a desert. There were Asian people in Vietnam. There are Arab people in Iraq. Oh, and one last thing: I'm going to win in Iraq! You hear that?" Bush shook his fist. "Bad people die when I'm president, and I don't back down! You write that in your writing book thingies."

"Our notepads?" suggested one reporter.

"Could one of you hand me back my brick?" Bush asked.

No one moved.

"You guys are useless! Ask your next stupid question."

"Why are both you and Vice President Cheney going to testify before the 9/11 commission together?"

"Well... uh... er..." Bush stammered, "You see... I think Dick might answer that better."

Cheney walked on to stage. "SHUT UP!" he shouted, threw a whiskey bottle at the reporters, and then walked off.

"Good 'ole drunken Dick," Bush chuckled, "Always straight and to the point. Anymore questions?"

"Is there anything you regret having done since 9/11?"

Bush groaned. "I regret not bringing more bricks."

Two weeks left to enter the IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest. When I get more entries, I'll start posting some.

On a related note, Miss U.S.A. plans to give speeches in support of the war in Iraq. Contestants better hope she doesn't enter my contest, as she sounds pretty qualified.

STARRING
Tony Pentin as The Limey
Frank J. as American Frank

Created by Stupiud Bastrad Productions
Broadcast by the BBC

Logo by Tom Bux of The Nap Room

Previous Episodes:
Episode I: The Limey
Episode II: Return of The Limey
Episode III: The Red Letter
Episode IV: Jokes and Murder
Episode V: The Lime Turns Sour
Episode VI: Bloody Fascism
Episode VII: Lime Another Day
Episode VIII: The Good, the Bad, and the Limey

* * * *

In order to meet broadcast standards and make this appropriate for The Children™, all profanity has been dubbed over. Also, an inappropriate reference to American Frank's and a reader's mother ("mum" in his words) have each been dubbed over with something completely different.

As we join The Limey, he has now accepted the newly dubbed "Socialist Frank" and writes a letter of congratulations:

Hello ronin. Do you like the red background? [Ed note: This, as most of his previous, was sent with a red background] I will start this email by praising the continued had work and dedication of the democratic left-of-centre coalition which I lead. XTREME ONE, Carl, The Spanish Militant and Johnny Depp won't be bullied by the thugs on your website, ronin. Seeing as there is no chance that you will stop referring to me as "The Limey" in your responses, then I will continue to refer to you as Frank the ronin. Patooey on you!

I recommend you and your fellow monsters visit Cardiff City Football Club's official website. There you and your isolated ronin friends will see a true sport. A sport superior to that terrible baseball. Everyone knows that baseball is a rip-off of rounders. Have you and the other right-wing Americans even heard of rounders? I doubt it. Most of the conservatives and fascists over there can't even locate France on a map and those same conservatives and fascists haven't even got a brain! Not all Americans are ignorant, racist or stupid though, ronin. There are lots of good Americans. From brilliant political people like Michael Moore and Gore Vidal to great bands like Green Day, Offspring, Audioslave and the now disbanded Rage Against the Machine. And we can't forget how beautiful women like Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Beyonce are. And we can't forget Alicia Silverstone (especially when she was younger!). But I have to say I ! can't stand these women's music. But they are great to look at! It's just a shame that vicious newspapers like the Wall Street Journal (I bet the ronin knows the editor) have to make out that people like Michael Moore don't exist and are in a minority. That's propaganda, ronin. That's one of the things Rage Against the Machine protested about. Don't believe me, ronin? Well go and buy one of their albums.

And another thing. Maybe I should remind those ignorant, racist, middle-class, stupid, sexist, homophobic, greedy, patriotic, brainwashed, right-wing, uncultured fanatics on your site (whose also go on simonworld.mu.nu and pretend to be me!) [Ed note: he's refering to this] THAT I AM FROM ENGLAND! Not WALES! Wales is a good country but I am from ENGLAND! Some fascists in your "comments" section a couple of days ago were talking as if I was from Wales. Many thanks to my coalition members for informing me of their ignorance. Are you from CANADA Frank the ronin? No! And I know you're not. You're an isolated, toothless backwoodsman in the deep south who has never talked to a black person. That's why I don't say you're from Canada! I think, no yucky-boo it, I know you would be offended if I said you were Canadian so your friends should shut their flippy-dippy mouths and get to their doctor quickly! Maybe their depression is getting worse. They're depressed that your stupid president is going to lose the elect! ion in November. Their neurosis is getting worse by the hour.

I hate your sarcasm on the last response, ronin. I could see you were about to call me a "you know what" also known as George W. Bush's middle name. I never fell for your trick - I knew you hadn't changed, ronin. I remember in one of the earlier responses you tried to get me to read one of your fascist poems. That didn't work either!

I couldn't imagine you the redneck promoting left-of-centre values. Jesus! I'll probably have nightmares of that one day! I'm glad that you unbanned the coalition from posting on your boring website, ronin. But you know what ronin? You dishonorable ronin! You shouldn't have floopy-snoopy banned them in the first dag'burn place you ronin. That's my coalition you ronin! Don't you ever wacky-smacky do that hippy-dippy thing ever a-floofengoogle-gain! You fascist ronin! That's an attack on democracy you ronin! Yucky-boo you! Did you ban the Spanish Militant cos he's not from America? That's not fair. A Spanish person shouldn't have their rights crushed by some vicious bastard!

Seeing as you hate the French I thought I would educate you with three reasons for you to LIKE the French...

1, They are excellent at soccer (as you call it)

2, Have you ever had some red wine from France? Get some Bordeaux wine down you! It'll make a change from having your two-toed sloth dance on a barstool!

3, Unlike you and your fascist friends, the French know the capital cities of major countries.

If I wanted a joke I'd ask you the capital of Norway!

It's OSLO by the way.

OSLO.

O-S-L-O.

OSLO...There you are. You're learning now.

Oh and the capital of your country is Washington. No Frank it's not near Oklahoma!!!!!!!!!! Washington is a long, long way from the bigots of rural Texas. It's on the east coast. There you go! No not Seattle, Washington! That Washington is a state in the west! Kurt Cobain was from there. You don't know who Nirvana was! Oh I give up!

I was not too young to remember reviews of Falling Down! Stop that patronising flibberty-gibble! I am twenty years old. I don't know how old you are and don't really care but I do know that your views on the death penalty, abortion, poverty, racism, sexism, ageism, homophobia and gypsies and many other things are very, very old. You are embarassingly right-wing. Did you know that?

YOU'RE AN EMBARASSMENT. GROW UP!

I see some of the fools on your website were pretty unhappy last week when they didn't get a mention along with the stupid idiots known as Adam, Sarah K, Sandor at the Zoo and Liberty Bob.

So here's some other evil reactionaries who deserves a good beating...

IT'S NAME AND SHAME TIME...

DAVE IN TEXAS

There you go, ronin you got a mention. This guy is a big time ronin. Along with Frank, this crazy farmer likes nothing better than having a two-toed sloth dance on a barstool! This freak lives on incest. His sister is also his granny! This maniacs philosophy to foreign afairs is embarassingly narrow-minded...

"If it's not American then bomb it!"

Frank when you got to the doctor, get this guy an appointment!

TOOTHLESS REDNECK

Another nutcase. So crazy that when he was in high-school and his teacher asked him what their ambition was in life, he said...

"To bomb Canada in the name of God!"

An interesting thought: Maybe this creep is toothless cos he was a victim of U.S. privatization of dentists. It's something worth considering.

STICKY B

Another contender for 2004 Idiot of the Year. What a terrible name to use on the net!

ROCKYNOGGIN

Stupid name. Nearly as bad as Sandor at the Zoo. Sandor at the Zoo - what the smuckers does that mean?

CLANCY

This bastard is more racist than an American soldier in 1960's Vietnam. Didn't take too kindly to Mr. Depp using his/her name and pretending to join the coalition. This freak needs beating ti death with his/her own shoes! Yucky-boo you Clancy! Ronin!

Anyway seeing as you like wrestling (I know because you have Smackdown written on the image above every one of my emails) and that's one of the few things I have in common with you, I'd like to express my delight at the two heavyweight champions in W.W.E. at present.

Eddie Guerrero...

A Mexican. (Frank the ronin won't like a foreigner having the world title. And a foreigner who used to have a drug problem. Religious Frank and his church-going friends won't approve of this) Shame that the system - with all the politics at W.W.E. had to make him conform to the ancient stereotypes. When are you right-wing Americans going to grow up? I bet you and all the other on your site that follow wrestling actually think that all Mexicans lie, cheat and steal.

Chris Benoit...

A Canadian. About time this guy had the heavyweight title. I was starting to think it would never happen.

Atleast it pisses you off to see two foreigners having so much success.

I'm gonna go now, ronin. I'll let you get back to masturbating over the flag of the United States! But you'll hear from me again soon. No doubt about it. I'll email you when it pleases me. You see I do what I want when I want and there's not a damn thing you or your friends can do about it!

SATURDAY 1ST MAY 2004 IS MAYDAY!

THE PEOPLE'S DAY!

DEMOCRACY NEEDS TO BE INSTALLED ACROSS THE WORLD!

REGIMES LIKE BUSH AND BLAIR'S OVERTHROWN!

THE AMERICAN FLAG BURNT!

CAPITALISM WILL SUFFER!

MCDONALDS WILL SUFFER!

THE PEOPLE WILL SPEAK!

WE WILL RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE!

FIGHT THE SYSTEM!

THE RED SOCIALIST FLAG WILL FLY!

REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION!

SATURDAY 1ST MAY 2004!

American Frank, enthralled by his acceptance by The Limey, further proclaims his continued resolve to support socialism in his backwoods home:

Yay! It's limey! I'm glad you’re so happy with me becoming a socialist. How can I make my e-mails red like yours to show my solidarity? Anyway, praise to XTREME ONE, Carl, Spanish Militant, and Christian Slater! They are my brothers in the socialist uprising and totally not just made up!

I have looked up this Cardriff team, limey, and am very impressed with their metric football abilities. I'm still worried that evil capitalistic baseball people will hit them with their bats. And I have not heard of rounders. I feel foolish and ignorant and less socialist for it. I shall look up rounders and start a rounders team at work.... wait, two teams! Then we can play each other in the cornfield. Does rounders have checking in it? I like hitting people.

One of these days I will find France on a map and be smart like Michael Moore and Gore Vidal (is he related to Al Gore?). And praise the radical leftist revolutionary music of Green Day! To us will be left all of America's hot women. I'll take Britney Spears, and you, limey, can have Christina Aguilera because I think she's skanky.

I won't buy any of Rage Against the Machine's albums, though, limey, as that will only support capitalism. I do have their song from the end of the Martix, though.

WAKE UP!
WAKE UP!

That song really speaks to me... especially in the morning.

And I know you don't live in a wale, limey; that's silly. Pinocchio was once in a wale, though. Served him right for being a product of the capitalistic Geppetto. And it would be silly to say I live in Canada; only meese live there. It's basically a barren wilderness where we store our toxic waste. No person could possibly survive there.

And I did talk to a black person just today. I said, "Hey, black person." He's my boss. I found out from him that black people don't like it if you make fun of Aquaman. I also wrote a letter to Condoleezza Rice. She's black too! I'll make sure not to mention Aquaman to her.

I don't know what sarcasm you're talking about or what word you think I'm going to call you, limey. I'm a serious committed socialist, and you know that. To prove it, watch this:

Yay socialism!

Would a capitalist have written that? No way. And it's good you didn't read that fascist poem "The Jabberwocky". It would have fascitized you faster than you could say "Callooh! Callay!" It was penned by Fascist McFascist himself while eating the apricots he denied his starving peasants. We, the socialist revolutionaries, will hunt down Fascist McFascist and make him pay! He will have eaten his last apricot, by gumbo! We will burn all his poems too! Let's burn lots of things! Not rocks, though, because they don't burn well.

And I'm sorry my old capitalistic self banned your friends who are definitely not just you posting under different names. It will never happen again that I am now an uber-socialist! And praise to France and their metric football abilities. If only more of the world listened to them, we'd have much more cheese!

Wow! I never even heard of Norway, and now I know its capital! You are so kind to teach me all these new things, limey. I have a friend named Oslo; I'll have to ask him if he's from Norway. Then I'll punch him for being a capitalist! Be angry at the machine!

I know Kurt Cobain! He blew his brains out with a shotgun! That's hard! If you hold a shotgun to your head, limey, it's a long reach to the trigger. You could saw off the barrel, but then you’d have an illegal sawed-off shotgun. Boy would you be in trouble then.

I knew you were twenty years old, limey; your maturity shows through in your elegant prose about socialism.

I'm sorry my website has attracted so many horrible bad people who are capitalists. I would ban them, but they are mean and scary! What do I do, limey my friend? I want to be a socialist revolutionary, but some capitalists are scary! Scarier than Aquaman!

Are you sure you didn't make up those two wrestlers, limey? I think you sometimes make up names. That's okay, because even the made up people support our socialist revolution!

Well, limey, I'm glad you've accepted me as one of your revolutionaries. I can't wait until May 1st for capitalism to fall! Until then, keep up the fight in your home in Wales.

Revolutionarily,
Socialist Frank

P.S. I wrote you a poem:

Why do I fight fascism?
Am I courageous enough to succeed?
Never will I quit!
Kill all those who oppose us!
Every capitalist must fall!
Right will give us might!

I hope you liked it even though it was free verse. Viva la revolution!

Will American Frank continue to be hypnotized by the wiles of socialism? Will The Limey further encourage him? What will happen on May 1st? Find out in the continuing adventures of...

THE LIMEY!

The Limey has written back, singling out even more of you, my readers, for condemnation (you have to hand it to him; he knows how to play to the audience), speaks more ominously of the socialist D-Day, and finally reveals his age. So, tune in tomorrow for the next episode of...

THE LIMEY!

I'm starting to run out of anecdotes, so, if you have any more, e-mail me with the subject "Military". I'm trying to get some from my non-lazy Dad from his experiences in Germany and Vietnam, and I'll see if my lazy brother Joe foo' the Marine has anything to say from his tank experience.

* * * *

Scott from the State of North Carolina writes in defense of the Air Force and inter-branch harmony:

I’ve got to defend the Air Force a little here. I realize the majority of people in the Air Force are not required to bring the battle to the enemy on the ground and will never be asked to do so. Our people are well taken care of and, by everyone’s admission; we contain the some of the brightest enlisted and officer corps of all the services.

I’ve partaken in a little service rivalry from time to time, but I will never forget the honor of the Marines, the ruggedness of the Army or the perseverance of the Navy (what else would you call six months away from friends and family) because it’s all done in good fun, for the most part. But I’ve got to take issue with the comment about how silly it was that the AF NCOs were taking out trash. As an NCO, I lead my troops, they are not my servants, and I never ask them to do anything I would not do myself, I would not belittle them and refuse to take out the trash because it was “below me”. We don’t have a huge amount of lower enlisted men and women, our people are busy and overworked, we do what we have to do to make things happen, if I have to take out the trash to take some of the burden off my airmen, I will do so. I’ve been told by leaders I respect that my airmen have only been loaned to me, and it is my responsibility to return them in the same or better shape than when they arrived.

I know some Marine NCOs, Army NCOs and Naval NCOs, and most I have known would agree with me. There are some in every branch that sink to the level that their troops are there to serve them, but, in my experience, they never make it too far and they are not well respected among their peers.

Why focus on how good you are at pool and being a dick to fellow servicemen when your branch has taken part in the great struggles of this nation and obtained victory? Why sneer about someone with more rank than you taking out the trash when your service was named “Devildogs” by its greatest enemies?

Service rivalry is a good thing and those who have served should take part, but don’t forget where you come from and don’t brag about your toughness, actions speak louder than words. Recent events prove as much, Marines have balls of steel, they don’t need to tell us that fact. Service members should provide insight not vitriol for this forum.

One other thing, there is no Sergeant rank in the Air Force, that’s a Senior Airman (E-4), and that rank is the same as a Corporal. In the good ole days there were Buck Sergeants, but that rank no longer exists. A Staff Sergeant (E-5) in the Air Force equals a Sergeant in the Marines and there is no such thing as a Master Technical Sergeant. There is a Technical Sergeant (E-6) and a Master Sergeant (E-7).

Just my two cents.

Timmer has some good things (and a few bad things) to say about all the branches of the military:

Master Sergeant, United States Air Force, I'll have 20 years in July and the last 6 years have been in joint assignments so I've been around all branches of the service, not just my own near and dear Air Force.

First of all, without a doubt, the United States has the best armed forces in the world. Why? Because we're Americans and as Americans we never lose our sense of independence and our ability to, ummm, adapt the rules when they're in the way of getting the job done. If we'd ever gone against the Soviets, we'd have been hurt, but we'd have won. All we had to do was take out their officers and they'd have been clueless.
There isn't an American enlisted person who doesn't KNOW that they've got a better idea. I know that most of the world considers us arrogant, I just refuse to aplogize for having our act together.

Air Force. Enlisted corps is mostly made up of very smart and smart assed personnel. The smart assed part never quite wears off. However, after a deployment or a Temporary Duty or a short tour to locations unpleasant, they also usually get it. What's "it?" It is knowing that what you're doing affects a LOT of different people and if you screw up, someone could die, or worse, not get paid. We're in the country club of the armed forces and we know it. A lot of that comes from not carrying a gun and/or getting shot at very often. We have the best food. We have the best quarters. We also work on multi-million dollar systems and have more and take more responsibility than some other branches.
Air Force Officers trust their enlisted personnel with their lives and their careers. We live up to that or we get out or we get asked to leave. It's not our job to be "hard core." It's our job to make sure the systems we work on are hard core.

Navy. They're smart and they know it. They somehow think that crusing around the ocean all crammed together makes them better at what they do,
having never done that, I'll not give judgement. I will say their
Senior Non Coms have got it right. They run things, they know it, so does everyone else including the Captain of the boat. Navy Officers are stuffier than other officers. Some of them simply don't know how to relax around their enlisted folks. Oh...and submariners and carrier squids are crazy. No, really. Bubbleheads (submariners) are just plain weird. And Carrier Operations make us Air Force types cringe. 18 hours of non-stop air operations on a boat?! IN-FREAKING-SANE! I'm glad they're out there.

Army. Two kinds of enlisted folks. The dumb ones and the wicked smart ones who act dumb. Never underestimate the Army. The quiet guy who's been acting clueless for the past six months will come up with just the right way to work a problem just when it matters. Army officers trust their enlisted folks once they figure out what kind they have. The Army does have an annoying habit of "banishing" their truly clueless to the staff level. Not all of them, they don't want to make it obvious, but the deal is, if they can't make it in the field, then they sort of get recommended to a staff job. Having known Army guys off-duty, I know they find this funny.

Marines. I've worked for Marines and I've worked with Marines and I've had Marines work for me. Read this carefully and try to understand it fully. Absolutely nobody does it better than the Marines. Their officers trust their NCOs from ALL branches of the servie without hesitation and have very high expectations. They're hard to work for, but you know exactly what they expect and they're better at sharing credit on a project than any other officers I've ever met. Working with Marines can be hard, they're freaking tireless. Supervisiing Marines is an absolute joy. They do what they're told when they're told to do it and they never question their orders. That makes supervising them very difficult too. You have to be careful what you say...they may think it's an order.

Finally, Mike write about Dolly Parton and the misunderstood coolness of tanks:

Hi Frank,

I've got a couple of items.

Dolly Parton is something of a military icon. Two examples I'm aware of: the Russians came out with an improved t-72 that had extra armor on the turret front, which made two noticable bulges. It was dubbed the "Dolly Parton Special." At Ft. Hood, on one of the tank ranges, there is a large, round hill. It is named, naturally, "Dolly Parton." I bet Dolly would get a kick out of this.

Here's an amusing tale, for your "dumb-ass tankers"
file. My Guard tank company was on a range for gunnery qualification (at the above mentioned range, in fact). I was hanging out with some of my buddies in our sleeping area when this Deuce-and-a-half drove by. In it were a bunch of female soldiers (who, we found out later, were nurses). They drove by slowly, and we all stared at each other. Then they continued on down to a covered structure that we used as a briefing and eating area. They got out there and hung out with the guys who were observing tanks. Then they left abruptly. We found out later what happened.
Everything was all nice and flirty until a tank in the first firing position fired. This position was VERY close, and thus very loud. All the tankers started yelling "Woooo!" "Hooo-ah!" "Yeee-haw!" and similar sentiments. Meanwhile, the nurses nearly flinched out of their skins and covered their delicate ears. One more round, and they'd had enough and split. The tankers shrugged and went back to cheering the big booms.

One of the guys made a recording of one of the crews in action (there was a radio monitoring their intercom, for evaluation), and got a great sound of the tank firing. A long, reverberating "booooooooom!"
He took this tape to parties. He said other people (i.e. non-tankers) didn't seem to understand why it was so cool.

* No Good Deed Goes Unpunished: Why do people want to piss us off? Don't they know no one has more killing power than the U.S. of A.? Do they really want to know how far we can go? Now we have an Iraqi cleric saying we have to pay for instigating the current crisis in Iraq. G.M. Chrysler, what gall! Saddam was oppressing these people, and now, having saved them from that tyranny, a number of them are now angry at us? I guess it's always too lofty a goal to get people to like us. Frankly, I'm fine with people hating us as long as they aren't trying to kill us. And, if we can get them living in a free society to boot, all the better. Being liked is for Old Europe; our goal should be to do good.

* Dude, I'm Like Totally Devout: Is it just me, or does Sadr look more like a stoner from college who should be nicknamed Munchie than a religious leader? Frankly, I think you could find a better cleric scouting a pool hall.

* John Who?: I wanted to say something about Kerry, but he hasn't done anything worth noting. Good for him.

* Miserable Numbers: Oh wait, he decided the misery index we've been using for decades makes Bush look too good so he fiddled around with a number of variables until he could make some misery index that makes Bush look bad. Wow, I thought I was doing well this year, but, according to John Kerry's numbers, I'm miserable. Well, you got vote, jackass.

* Try Not Inhaling Water: Here in the sunny state of Florida, the government is doing more to prevent drownings. I just want to make it clear that we here at IMAO (meaning me) are against drownings. Thank you.

* In America, We Hate Kings: The Spanish prince is a douche. He's all complaining because he had to get searched at an airport like everyone else (actually, he got VIP treatment). I think in America, where we threw off monarchies, we should treat princes even worse than regular people. All kings get wedgies when they come to the States, I say. You want to be some dumbass monarch, then stay in your own medieval country.

* Make My Dream a Reality: Reader Rocco M. pointed out this story about this ebay auction to send 22 pound of whatever you want to the moon and pointed how this is my opportunity to nuke the moon! All I have to do is get 6 million and a nuclear weapon by the end of the day...

* Evil Monkeys for Kerry: John Kerry's website made the dumb mistake of letting anyone make a supporter page, and some bloggers took advantage of that. If only I had jumped on the opportunity...

* Indeed: Ever notice how much I like ellipses...

* IMAO in Pictures: Jason Walker liked my comparison of Vietnam to Iraq, so he made this animated GIF. I think IMAO has a lot of potential as either live action or animated; don't any wealthy producers read this site?

* See Post Title: Guinness, the official beer of IMAO, is good for you. Cool. I hope the next study shows that nothing makes you healthier than Taco Bell, and I'm set.

There's always all these studies coming out saying how practically everything both prevents and causes some disease, and some may conclude you’re damned if you do, and damned if you don't. I say consume whatever the hell you want, and all the benefits and defects should even out in the end. [Ed. Note: This theory is not supported by any scientific evidence and is condemned by most nutritionists]

* Probably Wouldn't Be Allowed by my HOA: Now here is a mailbox. Personally, if I were a mailman, I'd be a little afraid to open that.

* Monkey News I: A Hong Kong woman is suing the government over a monkey destroying her T.V. I don't know how strict a constitutionalists you all are, but, I think of all the basic services the federal government should do, one of them is keeping monkeys away from our T.V.’s. I mean, I have an expensive surge protector connected to my wide screen, but the closest thing I have to a monkey protector is a shotgun.

* Monkey News II: Scientist in London are saying people should talk like chimps. This is extremely subversive and must be stopped. I'm not saying we should break off relations with one of our closest allies, but the threat should be there. This can not spread, as it is exactly what the monkeys want. Once we talk like them, then we'll come to accept them, and then we'll elect them to high office, and then they'll raise capital gains taxes just before I sell my house. It's history repeating itself all over again.

* Glass Jaw: Man, I used to love this old Nintendo game, but it was so long since I played it, I forgot that John Kerry was in it. (sent in by Salieri)

* Frank Joins the 21st Century: I finally got a scanner, so, to celebrate, I searched through my two volume set of the entire Far Side collection to find my all time favorite far side comic and scan it. Ended up it was halfway through the second volume (damn that took a long time). Anyway, here it is.

* The Tralse: Also, now that I have a scanner, I'll show you one of my greatest inventions. Now, we've all had true/false tests. Some have you put an 'F' or a 'T' next to the statement, but then some teachers found it was easy to fudge it and make something that looks halfway between the two letters. So, those teachers make you spell out the whole word. That got me thinking: is there anyway to fudge the entire word?

The answer is the Tralse:

Basically, you fudge the first letter as normal, then you begin to write the letters "rue" in cursive, making the 'r' a bit curved so it might be an a and extending the first half of the 'u' so it could also be seen as an 'ls'.

Now we run into the supervillian paradox: The reason there aren't actually any supervillians is because, if someone was smart enough to be one, he could make money legally. And I, smart enough to make the tralse, never needed to cheat on a test because I always knew the answers. I'd sure love to hear of someone in either high school or college who is stumped on one question in a true/false test trying this out and telling me what happens, though.

* Let's Go Clubbing: Canadians have gone back to killing cute little baby seals, seeking out and destroying them just like they aren't doing terrorists. I'm so torn. I don't like Canadians, because, well, they're Canadians and God made them for us to pick on. But I also don't like baby seal just because they're always breaking into building and trashing places and robbing liquor stores. So who do I side with? I think I'll side with the seals, because I've never gotten pissed off by accidentally getting seal money as change.

* They Just Want Attention and They Don't Care What Kind It Is: INDC journal has pictures from another one of those dumb anti-war/anti-America/anti-humanity protests, but this time some Iraqis confront the hippies to mix things up. "Pacifists" used to not like people being killed (or, at least, that was the propaganda), but these guys seem to have lost their way. Here's a radical solution: ignore them. The debate is not helped by the input of jobless idiots who like to yell. When you see protestors, instead of beating up the hippies like normal, beat up the reporters covering them (their co-dependents). Then we'll have peace.

* Fan Club E-Mail: To all the people who signed up for the fan club, I’m going to learn to set up a proper e-mail list and send it out again. Then we’ll get to [rest of message blacked out]

* One Last Thing: Remember: Bush is on T.V. tonight. My advice to him is to remember that the press is your enemy and they want to destroy you. I'd come out and immediately hit a few with a bat which should itimidate them from being too negative. Unfortunately, violence is the only language they understand (well, the only one worth talking to them in).

I have a list of e-mails for my fan club, but I'm having trouble sending it out. I tried putting all the e-mails in the BCC field, but it didn't like that. How do I make an e-mail mailing list?

UPDATE: So did everyone who signed up to the fan club get the e-mail, or do I have to work at this?

Thanks to all those who entered to be a judge in the IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest by saying exactly how super great IMAO is. There could only be one winner, but here are a few notables:

* * * *

Why IMAO is the best thing ever!
by Chris D

The I in IMAO stands for "Incredibly awesome"
The M stands for "Most funniest thing ever."
The A stands for "A sandwich."
And the O stands for "team".

Frank J is the supreme overlord of IMAO. Frank J should be elected president of the United States, and elected God of some of the lesser countries. His anti-monkey policies are in the best interest of human kind. He would also keep Americans safe from random ninja attacks. Plus, I bet he would arrange some kind of missle defense system, where bad guys shoot missles at us, then some big machine underneath the surface of the Earth would lift up Canada, and use them to block the missles from hitting the United States. If you don't think that's reason alone to elect Frank J president, then you're downright unpatriotic and stupid. Frank is also the world's foremost expert on hypothetical fights involving Aquaman. Frank has a comprehensive plan for national security moon-nuking. A Frank J presidency would lead to global stability, improved foreing relations, domestic job growth, and magic. Frank J is the reason why IMAO is super great and a sandwich. Frank J for president -- Is there any other option?*

"I'm Frank J, and I aproved this message."
-Frank J, possibly in the future, I hope.

*The answer is "no".

This e-mail is sponsored by Chris D.

* * * *

Dear Frank,

I like Guns, and chicks.

now make me a judge.

Thanks

Daniel

* * * *

Facts:

1. Frank J. is a mammal

2. IMAO fights ALL the time.

3. The purpose of IMAO is to flip out and kill people.

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Scott

* * * *

IMAO is Super-Great!

IMAO causes the French to quake in their boots! IMAO is so powerful and Super-Great, it drives the stains from French underwear! IMAO cures herpes!
And cancer (I read IMAO every day, and I don't have cancer or herpes)! It's a floor wax! It's a dessert topping! IMAO does it all!

J

* * * *

IMAO, in combination with the US military, are the only things preventing the commies from burning our houses, raping our wives, and kicking our dogs (or permutations thereof). Only a red under the bed would buy a T-shirt from anywhere else!

BFN. Paul.

* * * *

The path of the righteous blogger is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil liberals. Blessed is he, who in the name of humor and guns, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brothers keeper and the destroyer of lost monkeys. And He will strike down upon thee with great blogging and furious gunfire those (Limeys) who attempt to wussify and liberalize His brother. And you will know His name is Frank when He lays His vengeance upon thee. -Frank 25:17

IMAO - In Frank We Trust.

-Daniel Dunbar

* * * *

On the first day, I went to instapundit.com and looked upon it, and said unto the heavens:
Yay, verily, this is good.

On the second day, I went to nicedoggie.com, and looked upon it, and screwed up mine eyes, and eventually said unto the heavens:
Yay, verily this is verily good.

And on the third I went to imao.us, and screwed up mine eyes, and scratched mine head, and finally read an "In My World", and said unto the heavens:
Oh thank you Lord, for this is the most kick-ass thing ever!

Thus I spent my long-weekend. That and beer.
-Pawel

* * * *

IMAO provides the opportunity for the blogosphere to experience wonder (What the heck does IMAO stand for?), awe (Frank's humor is amazing!) and joy (I just sprayed Coke all over my monitor I was laughing so hard!). Everyone should read IMAO (and click on all the ads, and buy the t-shirts) daily, no, hourly! Paper copies of IMAO should be provided to those poor souls without the internet. It should be required reading in schools. No day is complete without IMAO in it. Indeed, a life without IMAO would not be a life worth living. IMAO is indeed "Super Great".

Nick

* * * *

Twenty-nine years I had searched for an Answer. That answer that man has reached for since the beginning of time. Galileo searched the stars for it. Leif Ericsson was searching for it when he discovered North America. Dr. Jonas Salk was searching for it when he discovered the vaccine for Polio. When Dr. Naismith invented basketball he was searching. Einstein came of with his theory of General Relativity in his search. Man has conquered nations in search for it. All attempts were futile, for in the year nine-hundred and seventy-nine a man was born and his name was Frank J. Frank J. gave us the answer.
The answer was IMAO.

Jason

* * * *

And the winner is...

Sorry, but some event kept me from e-mailing the charter members this weekend. I have some wacky cool ideas for the fan club, and I'll e-mail everyone about them later this week.

"And that completes my testimony," Condi stated.

"Wow!" Bob Kerrey exclaimed, "Not only did your testimony remove all doubt about the actions of Bush before 9/11, but you also proved that me and Ben-Veniste are partisan hacks. Only one thing, though... why aren't you wearing any clothes?"

"What a nightmare!" Condi exclaimed.

* * * *

"Wow!" Bush exclaimed as he woke up, "What a great dream I just had."

"What was it about, dear?" Laura asked with a yawn as she still lay in bed.

Bush paused for a moment. "Uh... fiscal responsibility. It's Saturday, isn't it? I'm sleeping in."

Bush lay back down, but then the phone rang. "What?" Bush asked impatiently into the receiver.

"This is Secret Service Agent Smith. We've raised the alert level to orange."

"Fine," Bush answered and then hung up the phone. He began to get rested again, but then the phone rang once more. "What?"

"The threat level is now at red, Mr. President."

"Super. Now let me get some rest." Bush hung up the phone and relaxed into bed again. Just as he began to shut his eyes, the phone rang. Laura covered her head with a pillow. "What?" Bush asked extremely impatiently as he picked up the phone.

"This is an Islamic Extremist. We have taken over the White House. We will soon begin executing everyone."

"I'm trying to get some sleep!" Bush yelled and then hung up. Just as he settled down again, the phone rand once more. "What now!" Bush yelled, shaking his fists in the air. He then picked up the phone. "What?!"

"We've eliminated the terrorist threat, Mr. President. Threat level is back to yellow."

"Whatever!" Bush shouted and hung up the phone. "If it's not phone calls waking me up, then it's the ghost of Abe Lincoln stealing and hiding my hat," Bush grumbled, "I hate the White House. I don't know if I want to be here another four years."

"You're just cranky," Laura assured him, "The American people and the Iraqi people are counting on you to stay the course, George. You need to keep that awful Frenchman from getting in here so he doesn't screw everything up. Plus, I just bought new drapes, and damned if I'm giving them up."

"You're right, honey," Bush said adamantly, "This is bigger than myself. My administration is all that keeps the world from tumbling into chaos." He looked at the clock. "Well, I'm not getting back to sleep. I'm going to go play videogames."

* * * *

"Do you have to clean your guns during this press conference?"

"Might as well get something useful done during this," Rumsfeld grumbled as he pushed a metal brush through the barrel of one of his 1911 handguns, "Now ask you're useless questions."

"With all the fighting in Fallujah and the battle with people you came to liberate in Iraq, will you admit it's a quagmire?" one reporter asked.

"The answer to that is quite complex," Rumsfeld stated, "First, the thumb unlocks the thumb safety. Then the palm pressed the grip safety allowing the trigger to be pulled. The trigger pull unlocks the firing pin safety and drops the hammer. Then the firing pin strikes the primer, igniting the gunpowder, which sends the slug forward with explosive force. And then the grooves in the barrel spiral the slug and send it straight at you."

"Huh?"

"Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled as picked up an assembled handgun and shot the reporter. "The only ones in a quagmire are the idiots who oppose us!" Rumsfeld then calmed. "Crap. Now I have to clean that gun again."

* * * *

"Oh, mighty rulers of Halliburton," Cheney said as he bowed on the ground, "How should I answer the questions of the 9/11 commission?"

"Make sure they do not know that this was all planned by us to get oil," whispered one wraith from the darkness.

"Yessss," hissed another, "Oil is what gives us eternal life."

"That and evil," said the third wraith, "Glorious war and evil!"

"We, the wraiths of Halliburton, order you, Cheney, to conceal the truth, or we will have your soul!"

"And your stock options!"

"I will do your bidding, masters," Cheney answered.

Suddenly the light turned on. At the doorway was Bush. "What are you doing in here, Dick?" he asked, seeing nothing in the room except Cheney down on the floor.

"Yoga!"

* * * *

"So you distract Ben-Veniste as I release Chomps," Condi told Scott McClellan as she held onto the rottweiler who kept getting increasingly angry, "Then Chomps will destroy his car. That will teach him to be mean to me!"

"Isn't this a crime?" Scott asked.

"Yes, just like this is assault and battery," Condi said, and then twisted Scott's arm behind his back until he started screaming, "Now do as I say."

"Okay! Okay!" Scott answered, and then walked out to greet Ben-Veniste as he came out of building.

"What do you want, dough-boy?" Ben-Veniste asked impatiently.

"I just want to say how impressed I am with the 9/11 commission," Scott stated nervously as he saw Chomps run towards Ben-Veniste’s car. "I really think some good is going to become of it."

"Well, fatty, your opinion to me is worth about as much to me as a bucket full of..." Ben-Veniste then noticed Scott was staring at something behind him. Ben-Veniste turned to see Chomps rip a tire off of his car with his teeth. "You bastard!" Ben-Veniste shouted at Scott, "This was a set up!" He then began to strangle Scott.

"Condi, help!" Scott yelled out, but Condi was nowhere to be seen. "Chomps, help!"

Chomps ran over as quick as he could. He then started gnawing on Scott's leg while Ben-Veniste continued to strangle him.

"Why... does... God... hate... me?" Scott asked in troubled gasps.

"I don't hate you," answered the Heavens, "You're just easy to pick on."

* * * *

"Where's my cowboy hat!" Bush yelled angrily.

"I hid it so well, you won't find it for four score and seven years," answered a disembodied voice.

"Damn you Abe Lincoln!" Bush shouted as he shook his fist in the air.

"Just come to bed, dear," Laura said, "It's late."

"And I'm tired," Bush said as he got into bed. He yawned, put his head down onto his pillow, and closed his eyes.

Then the phone rang.

"Dammit!" Bush answered the phone. "What?"

"Ebola infected monkeys have invaded the White House, Mr. President. We don't have a threat level color for that. We're thinking of teal."

"Well figure that out yourselves and stop bothering me." He hung up the phone and groggily reached under the bed for his pump action shotgun.

"What is it, dear," Laura asked as they heard scratching at the bedroom door.

Bush chambered a round. "Same-old same-old."

Happy Easter, everyone. I've been trying to reflect more on what Jesus means to me and the significance of his sacrifice as it's easy to get caught up in other things. Sometimes it's hard to apply his philosophy of peace, especially now with so many people out to kill us. Turning the other cheek is not an option when people want you dead. And with all the violence in Iraq now, one starts to wonder if any good will come out of war in the end. I just found out that a Marine friend of mine who went back to Iraq is actually in Fallujah right now. I fear for his safety, but Fallujah is where the Marines need to be.

I'm kinda babbling, as I'm not good with the serious commentary, but I do have a point. When Jesus was crucified, when was dragged though the streets bruised and battered finally to be nailed to the cross, things could hardly seem darker. One would pray from a good outcome, but it would hard to believe what it could be. But the he rose again, and in doing so gave us eternal life.

There were a number of times in my own life when things seemed dark and hope was lost, but, then, in the end, things turned out better than I could have imagined - better than I even prayed for. It's a lesson I often forget, but I try to keep in mind. Right now things are looking dire in Iraq, and a lot of people think it's going to be a disaster when the U.S. hands over power to the Iraqis in June, but we need to have faith. As dark as it all may seem now, a democratic peaceful Iraq is still possible. We're in there to do good, and it would be hard to believe Jesus isn't getting our back.

So everyone say some prayers for our troops - our troops from all the nations out there helping us in this - and for the Iraqis. God bless.

Despite still not getting the pictures from my lazy brother Joe foo' the Marine, I've updated the Peace Gallery with three new people and two new Chomps candidates. I also updated the URL for a blog in one of the older ones (if I forgot anyone else, just e-mail me). I did lose a number of photos in the great e-mail fire of 2003, so, if you still have some lying around, don't be afraid to e-mail them to me.

I never did come up with a similar thing for my Know Thy Enemy t-shirts. Maybe people could take photos of themselves wearing the French t-shirt and visiting a French embassy or wearing the terrorist t-shirt and strangling a terrorist. Anyone have some ideas?

Oh, and I'm still waiting for more photos from babes for the contest. The winner of the judge contest will be announced tomorrow afternoon.

* On my blog ad sidebar I have my very first ads for political candidates. Make sure to go read about Robert Lamutt and Nathan Tabor... especially if you're in Georgia or North Carolina. Good candidates could always use some more financial help, and it’s the individual contributions that make the biggest difference.

* Last call to sign up and as Frank J. fan before I send an e-mail out to my charter members along with the one time pads for reading the secret messages about me, Frank J. When I become rich and famous, I'll make sure to remember you all (or, at least, pretend to). Only through your help can I achieve me goal of stealing Jonah Goldberg's job.

* It's too late to try and enter to become a judge for the IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest, but I'll be looking over the tons of entries I got this weekend and announce the winner on Monday. As for the babes, this weekend is a good time to prepare your entries.

* I realized I haven't said anything about the Japanese hostages in Iraq, so I'll leave that to Emperor Misha I.

* Today is Good Friday. Some may think it odd to call the day commemorating the crucifixion of Jesus the Christ "good", but it's better than the old name: Why Did Those Pesky Jews Kill Our Jesus?! Friday.

Well, I had an Entenmann's chocolate donut this morning and a couple cups of coffee, but, now that I remembered what the day is, that's it until tomorrow. I will be going to a dinner for a friend's birthday, but I guess I'll just stick to bread and water (which will make it a cheap outing). And since it's supposed to be a day of abstaining, this is the last I'll post until tomorrow. See you later.

Here are some more military stories I've been e-amiled. Thanks again to everyone who's e-mailed and I'll try to put them all out eventually. My dad who - by the way - served in Vietnam has a few anecdotes I always like, so I'll have to see if he'll write them out.

Once again, there is no editing so beware of foul language that might soil thine ears.

* * * *

Drill Sergeant Rob disputes a few things said previously:

Hey Frank,

I've been reading for a looong time, but I don't usually comment much. I was gonna stay out of this, but here's what I got in response to the piece by the Marine.

By the way, if you ever want to check out my amateur blog.. here it is. http://anamericansoldier.blogspot.com [Ed Note: There are professional blogs?]

Here's the response...

OK… I was gonna stay out of this but…

If you’ve ever been in the middle of a Barroom fight, you know that sometimes it’s best to secure a corner, shelter your beer (or Peach Daquiri if you’re in the Navy) from harm, and watch the fun without actively participating. There is a lot to be said for having ringside seats at a slugfest and staying out of trouble at the same time. (Especially when you have some rank to lose.)

Then it happens… some Marine takes a poke at one of your boys… and it’s on. Rank be damned, joke over, the Guiness either hits the floor or somebody, and it’s into the fray you go.

Now I like Marines, I really do. Some of my best friends are Marines and I love the fact that once they figure out what you’re saying (You have to speak slowly) they will defend their beloved Corps to the death. But now that the first few punches have been thrown, I think I need to finish this fight.

I think a quick jab… followed by a hard right to the chin should do it.

“ The Air Force does have the highest ASVAB requirements... they are the same as the Marines.”

The Air force has the highest requirements, with a minimum score of 40. This is a good choice if your idea of being hardcore is living in a hotel without a concierge service for the duration of your deployment.

The Navy comes in second with a minimum score of 35. See the world, destroy the enemy from half a continent away, cross the equator several times… always claiming it is your first, what could be better?

The Marines actually come in third, with a minimum score of 32… but this is waiver-able with as low a score as 25.

And the lowest standard for the ASVAB belongs to, of course, the Army. HOWEVER, this is only waiver-able down to a 26.

So assuming you are a complete lug-nut, OR you indulged more than most on the night before your test and filled in A C D C over and over for the length of the score sheet and scored a 25, you will be forced, as a last resort, to enter the Marines. (source)

(that was the jab… here’s the haymaker)

“The US Navy is the only branch of the US military that is older than the Marines, and the Royal Marines of the UK are the only Marine Corps that is older than the US Marine Corps. The US Navy was officially formed in the first half of 1775 (I don't remember the date because I don't consider the start up date for a taxi service to be important), while the US Marine Corps was formed by an act of the Continental Congress on November 10, 1775 (Veterans Day falls the next day). The United States of America was not even formed until 1790 at the earliest, and the US Army was not formed until 1796.”

So which MEU did General Washington command, anyway?

The United States Army was created by the second Continental Congress on June 14th, 1775. (That’s six months prior to November, Pyle) (source)

And I know it’s been a little while since I last took American History, but I would have sworn that the United States was created with the Declaration of Independence in 1776. (Here’s a clue…Fireworks). But maybe you were talking about the introduction of the Articles of Confederation. Oh wait… that was 1778. Ratification of the Constitution? 1788. Election of the first President? 1789.

So what did happen in 1790 that would concern Marines? Well… I was at a loss, so I decided to Google it. Apparently 1790 was the year that a predecessor of the US Coast Guard was formed. It was actually known as the Cutters, or A System of Cutters. It was formed out of necessity, since the US Navy had been disbanded in 1785. This would be a very significant date for the Marines, who had apparently been forlornly standing on the Dock for five years…waiting on a ride.

(Before you get all riled up, remember that this is all in fun… and all our fellow Soldiers, Marines, Sailors and Airmen are across the water working together, doing a hard job in a hard situation. We need every branch of service and I salute anyone who is willing to serve this great country in whatever service they choose.)

Jim sends in this story about training, snakes, and gnarring:

You posted my story from Osan about my Air Force brethren and more enjoyably sistren, muchas gracias it cracks my friends up.

The next post was from

AJ (LC The Humble Devildog) Garin from The People's Democratic Republic of Madison, WI

Although my 312 area code screams Chicago, I actually am a citizen of Moscow of the Midwest, Madison, Wisconsin. I would appreciate if you could send my contact info to your Leatherneck buddy as I am always looking for brothers in arms.

Just For Grins Marines and Their Army Instructors, We, Army Special Forces always impress.

The game, for Frequent Storm, was this. The island nation of, whatever name some jagoff major in DC gave it, was bad. At this time that meant communist but for whatever reason we were going to make a “regime change”. Our role in this is known as guerrilla warfare. We sneak in and link up with locals who don’t like the Jagoffian government. We train and equip them and then help these intrepid freedom fighters “Enact a regime change.” It should surprise no one that our government has been practicing this. My favorite image is the Van Hagar video for “Right Now” they have subtitles through the whole thing and at one point it shows animated stick figures. Two are talking and a third is kneeling behind the victim. One shove and the victim takes a fall while the text reads, “Right now our government is doing things we think only other governments do”. Hmm. We are aren’t we? Anywho.

Whatever intentions we may have had for lollygagging our way through this exercise, Chief Rodd was going to train, and his ally was the team sergeant Butch . That was too much for the rest of us too overcome, so we resigned ourselves to actually busting our asses. We didn’t know just what we had just bought into. We had almost a full week for isolation, way too long. That gave Chief Rodd plenty of time to show us how much fun patrolling in the jungle can be. Now all of us had patrolled in the jungle before, we just hadn’t done it anywhere near as slowly as we soon learned we needed too. We had plenty of time scheduled to practice all of our walking in the great outdoors procedures, and the first afternoon was a real eye opener. We saddled up and figured we would wander around doing hand and arm signals for a while and then head back to the hooch. We got about 10 steps out of the compound before Chief Rodd halted us and told us we were not going to move very far, but he wanted us to pay complete attention to what we were doing. Now you have to understand, hearing “We are not moving very far” is normally excellent news, and in all honesty we moved less than 1000 meters. But it took us almost four hours. That’s not because we laid in the shade and rested, then walked in at the end. It’s because we moved that fucking slow. Lawdy lawdy, we would take a step and then freeze, listen, smell, sense, commune, meditate, and many other very passive things that you can do while crouched in the jungle carrying very heavy things in the stifling heat. The truth is that is was instantly obvious that Chief definitely knew what he was doing, and also that it was kicking our asses.

Our re-invasion of Okinawa paled beyond insignificance when compared to the original. WWII was close to over when we invaded, but Okinawa had to go before we could take a shot at the main islands of Japan. The Japanese were dug into the caves and hills of a tropical coral aquarium toy and they were deep into the kamikaze mentality as an enemy. They had no supplies and no real hope but somehow that made them tougher as every encounter was a last shot at immortality for a Japanese soldier. The island was so unbelievably harsh that walking, or more accurately crawling over much of it gave us incredible empathy for everyone who had to finish up a war here.

Our mode for sneaking into Jagoffia involved a rented,shrimp trawler with our rolled up Zodiac boats and gear dropping us about 10 miles off the coast from our beach landing zone. We inflate the boats and drive to a link up with our new allies, sounds not simple but doable. Before we could do all this water operating we needed a briefing about the dangerous marine life. Our medic “Gorgeous” George told us of the dangers from sea snakes. Now George is from near Boston so he has that accent to start with, but he is also Portuguese so there is that flavor thrown into the mix. But, the kicker was that he dipped Copenhagen snuff about half a can at a time. Add this together and you have a completely incomprehensible individual. As he informed us of the dangers posed by sea snakes he stated in a mélange of accents that I will not attempt to reproduce, “Now sea snakes are as deadly as anything on earth, but they can’t bite you very easily because they have tiny little teeth. They almost gotta get a little flap of skin like between your fingers and gnorr on it.” Now the only word I changed was gnaw to gnorr. You have to hear that whole quote in the combination Boston, Portuguese, Copenhagen accent to truly love it, but once he said gnorr we all lost it. I asked the question on everyone’s mind “George, what the fuck did you just say? It sounded like you said the snake had to gnorr on you to hurt you.” “Yeah that’s right they gotta get a real little piece of skin and gnorr on it. They got little tiny teeth, that’s all they can do.” He replied. I had to finish up with the question on everybody’s mind “Are you saying that the snake has to gnaw on us in order to hurt us?” “Exactly” he answered, “They gotta gnorr on ya’.”

We managed to navigate our way onto our home island without any gnorring related injuries. There we met up with our guerrillas and moved to the base camp. Our guerrillas, for this exercise, were Marine aircraft mechanics and our opponents were a Marine infantry unit portraying the military of Jagoffia. Actually, our opponents were a particularly famous marine infantry unit with two unit flags obtained during a noble exploit, their difficulty was that we had actually done extensive work under the canopy of this hellhole, and they had no clue how horrible the ground really was.

Part of guerrilla warfare is taking people with few combat skills, like our mechanics, and teaching them to fight and survive. Craig and I took a patrol out to practice some of theses skills and along the way we came upon the other famous island snake, Habu the pit viper. This sweet critter was also in George’s briefing and we were informed of the nastiness of it’s venom and it’s inch and a half long fangs. When our point Marine froze and pointed to one coiled on a rock in a creek bed, Craig decided it was a good time to start his snakeskin collection. Somehow Craiggles had confused the sea snake and habu. He thought that habu was the one with the tiny teeth that had to gnorr on you. The Marines, who knew how dangerous the snake was, watched awestruck as Craig pulled out his K-bar and started poking at the viper. I could see some of this from my position at the back, but I couldn’t believe the answer when I asked one of the Marines what was going on. “Sgt. Lewis is killing a habu with his knife” came the reply. “WHAT?” I hissed. “Yeah, he told us to let him know if we saw any ‘cuz he wanted the skin” the private informed me. “Holy Shit!” was all I could manage. I hurried to where Craig was crouching down doing his best Crocodile Hunter imitation with the snake draped over his not very long knife blade. “Drop it you fuckin’ idiot” I told him. He flashed me his most charming, dumbass smile and said, “Relax man. This is habu, remember “they gotta gnorr on you” you know, George, all that shit.” “Drop the fuckin’ snake Craig.” I commanded, “That was sea snakes that gnorr. THAT is a fuckin’ habu with big fuckin’ teeth.” Craig doing the best job of turning ghost white I have ever seen for a black man, promptly dropped the snake and jumped several feet backward. I then did the bright thing and dropped a BAR (big ass rock) on the snake, which up ‘til then had been too amazed to bite the fool.

I grabbed Craig who was shaking pretty good and said, “You are one lucky motherfucker. If that thing had bit you I think I might’ve just let you die ‘cuz that was Darwin Awards quality stupidity.” “Oh my God” was all Craig had left. “Alright now get your shit together,” I told him, “Those Marines think you did that shit on purpose. We’ve got the makings of an excellent legend here. These fucker’s are gonna be telling the story of crazy Sgt. Lewis who kills vipers with a K-bar, for the rest of their lives. You gotta play this off like you meant it.” That was something Craig could buy off on, so he sucked it up and headed back to tell the troopies not to try this at home because we were trained professionals. He graciously donated the skin to one of the Marines who “cured” it with salt from his MREs and made a hatband for his flop hat. The problem was once the story got out all our guerrillas wanted to be mighty, snake slayers and pretty soon our base camp looked like a taxidermy shop with hides tacked to every tree, most perfectly, harmless varieties.

Mark writes about military friends and life on a ship:

One thing to remember about guys who are remembering their military past is that back when they were in, they probably didn't like the guys they hung around with - while if they were to run into one of them in the present, they'd probably just about kiss them.

For men thinking back on it, the most important thing is to remember that back then they were young, and healthy with no worries and if any worries showed up, there were 20 buddies who had your back.

Thinking back on it...

There was the guy who manned the consol that controlled the nuclear-armed Tomahawk cruise missiles...and all he wanted to do was be allowed to launch just one at the middle east to settle it out a bit; that was back in 1985 - the man was apparantly psychic (addendum; I can neither confirm, nor deny, that there were any nuclear weapons on board my ship).

There was the guy who got hungry one night and beat up the Domino's delivery guy because he wouldn't give him a free pizza.

There where the two who would wrap electric cables around their heads, don capes (ie, towells) and jump about being RADIOMAN, DEFENDER'S OF DEMOCRACY (and beer).

Navy ships are "dry", but it was always funny the way the XO would get himself tangled up in the security curtain every time he went into the radio shack.

Uncle Sam is an ok friend - he tied up a barge alongside and allowed us to drink beer on it in the middle of the Persian Gulf...ok friend; had he been a good friend it wouldn't have been 3.2 beer and there would have been more than three per man (then again, 300 drunken sailors armed with nuclear weapons might have caused a diplomatic incident, or something).

How do you replace a broken copier? Well, you can either fill out a bazillion forms in triplicate, or you can just toss it over the side, report it "lost at sea" and they'll express one out to you at God only knows what cost to the taxpayer...

Don't tell anyone that what they're actually doing out there at sea is fishing...please pay no attention to the vast array of fishing gear each ship has on it as it heads to sea.

You drink a lot of beer and tarry with women of low repute when ashore because you can, and its fun.

Bob Kingsbery from Frisco, Texas has a WWII story about the lengths men will go to for cold beer:

My father, Jack Kingsbery, was a bomber group crew chief in England during WWII. Here is one of his stories...

On one bombing mission German fighter planes hit one of our B-24's engines. The pilot was able to feather the engine and fly it home safely. There was a shortage of bombers; so all combat-damaged planes were repaired as fast as possible and sent back into action. We removed the damaged engine and had the new engine installed by daylight, ready for a test flight to be sure it functioned properly.

This was in mid-July and it can get hot even in England. The British pubs served their beer at room temperature. American soldiers really complained about the "warm" beer but drank it anyway. Sometimes Air Transport Command personnel who flew new planes to our base would bring several cases of good old American beer for our base personnel. Since there was no ice on our base our soldiers had to drink the American beer warm.

A new B-24 had come in from the states that morning and was parked next to our plane. The ferry crew gave our ground crew two cases of Lone Star beer. About that time a flight crew came out for the test flight on my plane. The normal test for a new engine is to fly 30 or 40 minutes at about 5,000 feet. Since we had worked all night replacing the engine I felt my crew needed a reward. I changed the flight plan and wrote that the plane needed to fly to 25,000 feet. The temperature at that height would be about zero. I told my ground crew to fill two five-gallon buckets with water, put the bottles of Lone Star in the water and load the buckets on the plane.

The test flight crew never questions the authority of the crew chief so off my plane went into the wild blue yonder. After reaching 25,000 feet the water in the two beer buckets began to freeze. When the plane landed the Lone Star was icy cold and our crew had a well-deserved beer bash. Flying a B-24 to 25,000 feet requires lots of fuel. I'm sure we probably set an all-time record for the cost of producing cold beer. But my crew said the cold beer was great.

* * * *

I have a backlog of more to put up, but keep it coming. If you have military experience (first-hand or second-hand) I'd love to hear more jokes and anecdotes. E-mail me with the subject "Military".

Some politicians (especially ones with brobdingnagian heads) have been comparing the war in Iraq to the war in Vietnam, and, since politicians are smart, this must be taken seriously. Here are some of the similarities I have identified:

* Both Vietnam and Iraq have an 'i' in them.

* Both are foreign countries.

* Both wars were opposed by stupid, smelly hippies.

* Both wars were supported and then opposed by John Kerry.

Those are some striking similarities. So, if the war is like Vietnam, what did we learn from Vietnam? Well, what we learned from Vietnam is that, if you lose a war like Vietnam, forever after people will question future wars by saying they are like Vietnam. Think about how things would be different if we decisively won Vietnam; then, someone not liking a war would say, "We're going to get bogged down in this war like... well... no other war in American history." And no one would listen to that person.

Moral: Win your g'damn wars.

Johnny - Oh writes:
I have made a public apology for not linking you first when I stared my blog. Please see http://closetextremist.blogspot.com/2004_03_28_closetextremist_archive.html#108101092423667306 for details.
All I need to know is, what is my punishment?

Fool! There will be no end to the punishment for your blasphemy! You shall never receive a link from me, and, furthermore, you will... oh crap.

TXVet from San Antonio writes:
Okey Dokey Frankie
you crazy lil ninja monkey you
I Gotcha...
Assume entropy is truth.
Answer this:
Why did I bother to click send ?

Because of free will, the most volatile form of entropy. It is the variable that can't be solved, the factor that can not be compensated for, and the greatest random number generator. From it chaos flows, and no action in this world can be predicted with certainty.

Plus, it would have been stupid to write an e-mail and not send it.

Jason H from Austin, Texas where hippies are free to express "opinions" writes:
Frank, with all the talk of global warming on ol' Mother Earth, I couldn't help but think that the Earth goes through natural cycles. Now, females have "cycles" too, and, if the Earth (MOTHER Earth) is a woman, could it be possible that maybe the Earth is just on it's period and we don't know about it? Could global warming just be the equivalent of a "hot flash?" Thanks.

As I already told Michele, no feminine hygiene questions.

Wacky Hermit of Organic Baby Farm:
1) What does the "foo' " signify in the name of your brother, Joe foo' the Marine?
2) Passing on a math question from one of my calculus students:
Is there another way to integrate the function (sqrt x) / (x-4), besides substituting u^2 = x and then doing partial fractions with a long division?

1) "foo'" is an abbreviation for "fool", and I call my brother "Joe foo'" 'cause he's a foo'. Damn foo' still hasn't sent me the wedding photos I asked for or his Peace Gallery photos from his Marine training. He is free to rebut the charges of being a foo', but I think it will be hard.

2) Yes there is, but you need Greek letters which I don't know how to represent in HTML. Yes, Greek letters will solve it. Muh ha ha ha!

Reva from Berkeley:
Hi Frank! I have been reading your site for a long while now, and while technically I don't ever post comments or what have you, I still feel like I'm part of the IMAO community. But recently, I've noticed a disturbing trend. You see, I introduced my friend, known to IMAO readers as BerkeleyGirl, to your site a few months ago, and now all of a sudden she's the one everybody knows, although I should be the original BerkeleyGirl, having been here at least a year earlier. I assumed that you'd know this, being as all-powerful as you are, but somehow I seemed to have slipped on your supernatural radar. Which begs the question, how could such an oversight happen, Frank? Don't worry, I am not doubting you, because I'm rather afraid that one day I'd wake up and there would be ninjas/monkeys/ninja monkeys waiting outside my door to teach me a lesson for my insolence. But what other nifty Berkeley moniker could I be known by since my lovely friend has already taken BerkeleyGirl? And how can I communicate my impressive status as longest-standing IMAO reader from Berkeley? (And if anyone else from here e-mails you and says he's been reading longer, you just tell him I'll fight him for the title!) Thanks Frank!

You know, I wrote the whole IMAO Rules and Regulations book so I wouldn't get sent questions like this. If you look at page 1,043, section 67, subsection B.4.2, paragraph 4, it says:

If there is a readership dispute from two women from the city hereunto referred to as Berkeley as to who's readership makes one more deserving of "BerkeleyGirl", then a simple competition shall settle this matter. Being that Berkeley is full of hippies and this displeases the author of IMAO, each supposed BerekleyGirl shall thus slay the hippies, cleaning and stacking their skulls into a pyramid. After a set time of one month (30 days), the height of the pyramids shall be checked by a standard measure and then one woman shall be declared the victor. She shall then be known as "The Queen of Berkeley" - and not the gay meaning of queen - and she shall be rewarded with gold, silver, jewels, and boxes Ramen noodles. She shall then be exalted above all, and who does not bow before her will be cursed to have his web browser crash anytime he tries to view the delights of IMAO. So let it be written, so let it be done.

Oh, and you could compete in the IMAO T-Shirt Babe competition. That will work too.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Only a few babe entries (and a ton of judge entries) have been sent in, but that's why I gave three weeks time. I will confirm I've recieved each entry for the babe competition with an e-mail, so, if you don't get one, be worried (I'm not confirming the judge entries. I got 'em; don't worry). I expect all babes who read IMAO to enter; IMAO will not tolerate shy babes!

Speaking of babes, have you seen how Condi has handled herself in the 9/11 commission with a stacked audience against her? I think hardly anyone could take that and stay composed. I'd be strangling people left and right after a few minutes.

It's funny the things you find when you check who is linking to you in technorati. Everyone once in a while, I find someone who says something negative about me! Scary, but true!

Simon of Simon World wonders why I receive "slavish worship". He doesn't understand why two fan sites for me just suddenly spawned with no prompting. He just doesn't get why people find me so funny.

Now, I don't have the credentials to declare someone insane (maybe one of you slavish worshippers do), but obviously this Simon character must be nigh-retarded and was probably abused as a child. Anyone who even half glances at my site and has his or her full sense should instantly see that I am genius like this world has never known. My keen insight rips through the issues of the day, and I am artist with words, my worst post still besting anything by a lesser genius. All that, and my wit is so sharp it's classified as an illegal weapon in some states. If there are any faults to me, perhaps I'm too humble at times, but I am working on that.

Now I'm receiving a torrent of e-mails of just how great this site is (deadline it tomorrow morning, BTW), but I think it would be good for Frank Fans to go and educate this fool Simon of my greatness. I could just say, “Yucky-boo Simon!”, but I think we should shine the light of truth on this imbecile and see him either convert to righteousness and follow me or scurry back into the darkness like some cockroach.

Hey, that was a pretty good metaphor... well, technically it was a simile. Anyhoo, I need to finish my lunch.

UPDATE: Simon has reminded me of a worthy cause to help the joooos. Currently, the first google hit for "Jew" is an anti-Semitic site, so people are trying to use a google bomb for good to make it point to the wikipedia entry for Jew.

More military anecdotes, and hopefully none of these will get any blood boiling. I don't edit these like I do The Limey, so they may have foul language if that bothers you.

* * * *

Max has a bit more on the feared drill instructor plus other comments:

I've been a reader for some time. Great work! Saw your call for anecdotes from former military folks. I was in the USMC Reserves from 1982-1988, doing active drills from '83 to '86, and active duty for training. Never saw combat, but like a lot of reservists, I was going to school at the time - in my case, I was attending UC Berkeley, which was a different kind of combat.

I've had the usual radical-vs-military debates hundreds of times, dignified as "debates" only because they were filled with sound and fury, and signified nothing. The usual flow was something like this:

Them: Reagan's a Nazi!
Me: Well, I think Reagan is okay.
Them: You fascist!
Me: Hey, what's fascist about that?
Them: Next question.
Me: No, really, what's fascist about that?
Them: If you have to ask, you're beyond help.

My favorite military anecdote is from boot camp. One of the DIs threw away an old pair of shoes, and one of the recruits pulled them out of the trash, I think to see how well-polished they were. Later, the DI came out of the duty hut, noticed the shoes, and started screaming at the recruit. "God Damnit! I can't even fucking throw things away without monkeys like you digging my shit out of the garbage? I can't believe it! Thank God I flush after I go to the head, or you'd probably fish that out and send it home to your momma, too!" Poor kid about had an embolism on the spot.

I also cracked up (inside, so that I didn't have to join the guy being disciplined) every time that a DI told a recruit "you're gonna do this until I get tired." You have to be there to understand it... It's hard to explain how funny Drill Instructors can be when you're tired, and stressed, and close to graduation.

Adam from Utah(NBCOFL) writes about the need for sidearms:

I think the military branches have two things totally in common. Their number one goal is protecting america by killing evil forigners, either from above(USAF), below(NAVY), from afar(ARMY), or upclose(Marines), and thusly will always have my utmost respect and admiration.

They also have in common the fact that vile nasty liberals will always oppose their number one goal even at the cost of the lives of these heroes.

I have only an example from my best friend who is a marine. He just returned from IRAQ. He said the biggest problem he had with the combat wasn't the killing or the bad food or the dusty hellhole that is IRAQ. It was that thanks to Clintons slashing and burning of america's military, only officers got issued sidearms. This is still the case after 4 years of a sane president trying to recover from Clinton! when riding from one place to another he got to sit unarmed in the front seat, and when they came under fire (numerous times) he had the distinct pleasure of having to run to the back of the vehicle, under fire, to retrieve his M-16 before he could get back to goal #1.

I know this is a marine story, but i bet other services have other such gripes, even if they aren't so vividly played out under fire.

I never knew the rules on who gets sidearms in the military, but it seems to be pretty bad to go out where you might have actual combat and not have a backup gun.

Lydia writes about here military experience with pudding:

I wasn't gonna inundate you with more military stuff, but I've got a good anecdote you might like to hear.

I was in GW I, and one of my fondest memories is an incident between myself and my Squad Sgt, Sgt. Salazar (Sgt. Sal).

I had just finished night shift, and he was my relief. We grabbed some chow, which (rarely) included pudding. Kicking back and eatin in the shelter (very cramped, squat-T-shaped metal box on the bed of a truck), Sgt Sal was busy watching the switchboard, while I went off into la-la-land, dredging up memories of how me and my brother used to do the ole "you like seafood?" bit. So, as a gag, I put some puddin in the yaw, and patiently waited, and waited, and waited for Sal to turn around. But my patience wouldn't last long, because the simple expectation (plus being giddy after 12 hrs) of his reaction brought on uncontrollable, yet stifled giggles. Just when I couldn't hold it anymore, Sal turns to me RIGHT as the giggles turn into full blown laughter, and **SPLAT**, I spew pudding all over him, mostly his face.

Well, I began laughing like a fucking hyena at this point. The look on his face was to die for... a WTF? combined with "what a fucking maroon" and then an eventual smile and laughter, cuz laughter after all, is contagious.

Jeff from St. Paul Minnesota sent this:

My brother, who graduated from the Air Force Academy, sent me these. I was instructed to open them in the following order: Marine, Army, Navy and Air Force.

Marine
Army
Navy
Air Force

Good 'ole Serenity has this about hazing the new guys:

Don't have any long particular incidents to tell you about and I don't know if anybody has already told you about this little trick we used to play on the FNG's (F*cking New Guys) aka newbies.

I was a Military Police officer and while we did mostly garrison duty, we also had to go out to the field quite a bit to train for war time situations and how to set up perimeters, road blocks, deal with EPW's, etc.

Therefore, if one wasn't scheduled for duty, meaning, garrison duty, that person would be in training. Whenever we would get a newbie, they always went straight into training for one to two weeks. Part of our training was dealing with maps and also maintaining our HUMVEES. (It's been so long I forgot the correct abbreviation).

To break the newbie in and to give ourselves a nice laugh at their expense, we would be in the middle of training and the trainer would stop and say, "Damnit! I forgot the grid squares! PVT Newbie! Go to the 1st Sgt and get the box of grid squares from him. They're in his office."

And the newbie would go.

As you know, there is no such thing as a box of grid squares. The grid squares are already drawn on the map.

Other times we would be out at the motorpool going over our vehicles, HUMVEES. If we had a newbie, we would send him off on a mission.

"PVT Newbie! Go to the person in charge at the motorpool and ask him for the keys so we can start these HUMVEES."

And off the newbie would go.

HUMVEES don't require a key to start. It's a matter of flicking a switch. What's even more hilarious is that the ONLY keys required were the ones to unlock the steering column/wheel and we would have already done this, right in front of the newbie.

This was a great way to size up the newbie, see how smart they were and welcome them into our platoon.

Reminds me of when I worked in the foodcourt of a mall, and the common joke for a newbie was to send him to another resturaunt to get a bucket of steam. I was spared the joke because I never listen:

"I'm here to get something."
"What?"
"I dunno; call 'em back and ask 'em."

Finally, Darin has some wisdom from the definitve source:

My favorite military quote: "They don't call me Colonel Homer because I am some dumb-ass army guy" -Homer Simpson

Bonus point to who can identify the episode that's from without looking it up.

* * * *

I have a backlog of more to put up, but keep it coming. If you have military experience (first-hand or second-hand) I'd love to hear more jokes and anecdotes. E-mail me with the subject "Military". A big thanks to everyone who has sent in e-mails already.

My college newspaper, The Tartan, which I wrote numerous editorials for back in the day (some of which I think are still available online), got shut down for being racially insensitive in their April Fools issue (the "Natrat"). What's it with races and being so sensitive? I haven't seen the issue in question (nor the comic), but completely shutting down the paper seems like a bit of an overreaction.

At least there's one good quote from the article: "Anyone who's ever written satire knows it's not really easy."

Yeah, people; appreciate me more.

STARRING
Tony Pentin as The Limey
Frank J. as American Frank

Created by Stupiud Bastrad Productions
Broadcast by the BBC

Logo by Tom Bux of The Nap Room

Previous Episodes:
Episode I: The Limey
Episode II: Return of The Limey
Episode III: The Red Letter
Episode IV: Jokes and Murder
Episode V: The Lime Turns Sour
Episode VI: Bloody Fascism
Episode VII: Lime Another Day

* * * *

In order to meet broadcast standards and make this appropriate for The Children™, all profanity has been dubbed over.

As we join the The Limey, he writes yet another e-mail to attack the pysche of the backwoodsman, American Frank. Now, he even has a date for his socialist mayhem:

Hello ronin. I have to say well done to my coalition members for keeping up the fight against you and your braindead friends on that website of yours. Do you mind if I call you ronin? I don't really care if you do take offence, dishonorable fool, because I'll still call you a ronin anyway. Ok ronin! That "J" after your name stands for "just a ronin" and if any of your right-wing lunatic thug-like friends tell you different, they're lying.

I don't know how you came to the conclusion that XTREME ONE, Carl, Spanish Militant and Johnny Depp are just me in disguise. Just because they email very quickly after each other doesn't mean they are the same people, you wacky-smacky flip-flappy diddly-doo ronin! They contact each other through their email accounts to inform one another that they are about to go onto your website. I just thought I better clear that up for you, ronin! Ok ronin!

I know I said this in the earlier emails to you but go and get a map. GET A FUDGE-LOVING MAP RIGHT NOW RONIN! Wales is a country. That's W-A-L-E-S-. Wales. And the capital of Wales is Cardiff. There is a football team [Ed Note: He means "metric football"] there called Cardiff City. And they are better than every American soccer team, basketball team, hockey team, american football team and baseball team put together! And Cardiff City are not even good at [metric] football!

Once again Fascist McFascist does not exist. He DOES NOT exist, Jackass. There are people that are extremely fascist like your president but Fascist McFascist does not exist. He is just a fantasy. And to go completely off that subject, your obsession with monkeys is highly disturbing! You have a fetish with monkeys. You need help! I'm not sure whether I should laugh at you, murder you or get you some help and convert you to a democratic left-of-centre visionary like myself. One thing's for sure - something needs to be done about you, ronin. You're completely mad! As mad as a Salt Lake City mormon on a sunday!

Yes Hitler didn't like travellers. When I say travellers I don't mean tourists, I mean travellers. Travellers are people (just like gypsies) who live in caravans. You're off to Idaho to visit your family? I think Hitler would have spared your life. Hitler was an evil bigot - you and him would have got on very well. If you lived in 1940's Germany he would have let you be a part of his government. I'm sure of it. The moment you'd see that black uniform - you'd be in there without doubt.

Why do you talk about Rage Against the Machine as if they still exist? That great band split up in 2001. They did their last gig in September 2000 and then Zac de la Rocha quit the band. The other three band members re-grouped and then decided to quit the band in 2001. They got together with Chris Cornell (who used to be in Soundgarden) and formed Audioslave. They did their first album in 2002 and released it at the end of that year. I doesn't surprise me that you were unaware that Rage split up. After all it takes weeks and weeks to get news about any new developments to the backwoodsmen in Texas! Rage might have split up but the spirit of the band continues.

I think you should get some help from your doctor (or bully him into giving you free prescriptions under that evil privatised system) for your neurosis. You are unable to think logically, ronin. You are unstable. The coalition thinks you need a psychological evaluation. And the same goes for all the other maniacs on your website. Some of the most fluffed up have to be...

Liberty Bob (About as extreme right as you can imagine. Complete nutcase. Contender for 2004 Idiot of the Year. Also wants to bomb France and Canada for no apparent reason other than they're not Americans.)

Adam (Bigot with a bible.)

Sarah K (Evil female dog. Could be Frank the ronin's girlfriend.)

Sandor at the Zoo (With a name like that this person definitely needs help.)

You're all fluffed up in the head!

Go and get help for that neurosis, ronin!

I see April Fools Day has just passed. But you and all those bigots on your website are fools every day.

Since we mentioned Die Hard the last time we argued, I'd like to talk about another film. Falling Down starring Michael Douglas. This is an absolute classic. A great film (even a ronin like you must have heard of it!). A left-wing man loses his job and decides to take on the system. It's about a liberal in a fascist society. I'm not sure what my favourite part is but here's a few of the best moments in the film...

When he tells the shop owner that his prices are too high and smashes his store up. Many people on the Left in America and around the world at the time could relate to Douglas' character because there was a recession on.

When he holds up a fast food store. A brilliant moment in the film. He rants about the propaganda of the big juicy burger on display when he receives a "crushed sorry little thing" that looks nothing like the advertisement on display. I can relate to this. I WANT TO DO THIS! I WANT TO PULL OUT A GUN IN MCDONALDS AND DEMAND THEM TO STOP THE EXPLOITATION!

When he kills a Nazi military store owner. I bet you hate this part, ronin.

When he scares two middle-class golfers by pulling out his vast amount of weapons.

A very left-of-centre film. The fast food store moment is a great part. It gets me in the mood especially with May Day approaching. The Left is gonna send a message that day! I want to see McDonalds blown up! I remember the May Day anti-capitalist protests in 2000 in London. Brilliant. The Left sent a message that day and will do again this time around. Have a look at this report on the riots on May 1st, 2000.

http://fergusmurray.members.beeb.net/may2000.htm

I've been thinking about going down to London on May 1st and joining in. Or maybe I'll start a protest up here. YUCK CAPITALISM! YUCK CAPITALISM! YUCK CAPITALISM! YUCK CAPITALISM! YUCK CAPITALISM! YUCK CAPITALISM! YUCK CAPITALISM! YUCK CAPITALISM! YUCK CAPITALISM!

STOP MCDONALDS!

STOP LOW WAGES!

STOP PRIVATISATION!

STOP POVERTY!

STOP RACISM!

STOP XENOPHOBIA!

STOP SEXISM!

STOP DISCRIMINATION TO MINORITY GROUPS!

STOP IGNORANCE!

STOP WAR!

STOP CAPITALISM!

STOP CONSERVATISM!

STOP GREED!

STOP FASCISM!

YUCKY-BOO TO THE SYSTEM!

YUCKY-BOO FRANK THE RONIN!

YUCKY-BOO FRANK THE RONIN'S PATRIOTIC WAYS!

YUCKY-BOO FRANK THE RONIN'S FRIENDS!

YUCKY-BOO THE WHITE HOUSE! BLOW UP THE WHITE HOUSE! YEAH!

I DEMAND A DEMOCRACY!

THE PEOPLE WILL SPEAK ON MAY 1ST, 2004!

Surely American Frank must now be frightened beyond belief with the date of 05/01/04 hanging over his head like the sword of Damocles. Wait! Something seems to have changes within American Frank, and now he feverishly types his response, his spirit renewed:

You have finally convinced me with your great oratory, limey! Boo to capitalism. It poisons all it touches like a poison that touches things and makes them poisoned. "Peh!" I say to it (that's the sound I make when I spit).

I'm sorry I ever made the fool mistake to think your great revolutionary friends were just you in brilliant disguise, limey. The only reason they posted with the same IP and within seconds of each other is to save bandwidth. What great left-wing revolutionaries they are, and I hope I can stand at their sides one day. I have un-banned their IP so I may share in their wisdom.

I will finally buy that map, limey, and find this great place you mention called Cardriff that rest in the belly of a whale. I would love to see them play their soccer against one of our foolish capitalistic basketball teams (the fools would try to dribble the ball while the wily Cardriff's would kick it out of the way! Ha ha!). The baseball players might hit your Cardriff people with bats, but that's just because they are evil capitalists. "Peh!" to them (that's me spitting again).

You're right, limey my comrade, Fascist McFascist, despite his autobiography being on the New York Times bestseller list, is but an invention of the capitalistic, right-wing media to scare fools like me. He is no more real than Che Guevara. "Peh!" I would spit at him if he existed which he does not so I spit at nothing but that's okay because I kinda needed to spit anyway. And there is no need to murder me; I will now treat monkeys as my socialist brethren. They fight on our side, and should no longer fear the Charlton Hestons who would try to keep them down. And you are right about those Mormons; I've been to Salt Lake City, and the roam the country-side on Sunday with axes in hand killing everything in site. It is no place for a good leftist at all. Nashville is kinda nice, though, if you like country music, limey.

The reason I talk of Rage Against the Machine as if they still exist is because they do... in our hearts. Yes, inside us they still rage against machines... and sometime organs. In fact, they are a source of much indigestion. But it is a good socialist indigestion, limey, and I am proud to have it. I am reminded of their lyrics from their song "Renegades of Funk":

I think I did it again
I made you believe we're more than just friends
Oh baby
It might seem like a crush
But it doesn't mean that I'm serious
'Cause to lose all my senses
That is just so typically me
Oh baby, baby

Oops!...I did it again
I played with your heart, got lost in the game
Oh baby, baby
Oops!...You think I'm in love
That I'm sent from above
I'm not that innocent

Rage on, my leftist friends! Rage on, for the machine still lives!

And I have no need for drugs; a little lime was all that it took to cure me. You are right about all those horrible people you listed. They are now banned from my site.

I have the seen the movie Falling Down, limey. Many who reviewed it when it first came out (you were probably too young to remember) thought the main character represented the disenfranchised, angry Rush Limbaugh listener, but your take on it is unique and most likely correct. You should do limey movie reviews so we know the good, leftist movies to see. What did you think of Dude, Where's My Car?

I am revved up now, limey! I shall smash all capitalistic things with a bat!

...actually, the bat came from capitalism too.

I smash all capitalistic things with a rock I stole from my neighbor's yard!

Stop capitalism! Stop racism! Stop carpal tunnel syndrome! Stop signs! Stop Regis Philbin! Stop hopping on pop! Stop staring at me! Stop stopping!

For that is what socialism does; it stops things! I have seen the light, limey my friend, and all else is dark in my eyes. I will wait expectantly for this May 1st when capitalism will surely fall! Viva la revolution!

Your comrade,
Socialist Frank

P.S. By the way, I'm trying to solve this crossword puzzle, and I was wondering if you could help me. I need a six letter word for "socialist revolutionary" with the second letter being an 'A' and the fourth letter a 'K'.

Oh wait... I got it...

W-A-N-K-E-R

Will The Limey accept American Frank into his ranks? Will American Frank really stick with his socialist beliefs? Will monkeys fly out of your butt? Find out in the next episode of...

THE LIMEY!

I feel a little silly posting about babes and PETA today with things getting so heated in Iraq, and, though I know they can't read this now, I just want to say my prayers are with the troops. I personally know at least one Marine currently in Iraq right now, and I want him to come home safely to his wife. Along with prayers for their safety, I'm also praying for a decisive victory, because that's what they are there for.

Hell, prayers or not, I'd say victory is assured. You don't mess with the U.S. military.

Whitler, who we all know isn't the most frequent writer, has written something specifically on this subject, and he's a lot better with words than I am.

The concept of the babe in advertising goes back to Adam Smith, who set forth the principle of the invisible hand and the highly visible babe. Thus, to increase my t-shirt sales and further my empire, it has come to my attention that I need an IMAO t-shirt babe.

Such a venture cannot be taken lightly. That's why I've asked the best of the blogosphere to help judge those who would compete for the esteemed title of IMAO T-Shirt Babe. The judges are:

* Me, Frank J., genius extraordinaire and creator of IMAO
* Doug the T-Shirt Guy, capitalistic owner of ThoseShirts.com
* Emperor Misha I, ruler of the blog The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
* Harvey, author of the blog Bad Money and winner of the contest that never happened and will not be mentioned again
* Bill Whittle, brilliant essayist and guy in flight suit from Eject! Eject! Eject!
* Blackfive, victim of the French's greatest military victory ever (he got a reprimand for insulting a French General)
* John Hawkins, pundit/interviewer/humorist of Right Wing News
* Glenn Reynolds, author of Instapundit and supreme overlord of the blogosphere

Plus, one more judge will be added by a short contest that I will detail below.

So, ladies, you are probably asking yourself what you need to do to be the IMAO T-Shirt Babe. First, be a babe. Second, have a photo taken (it needs to be recent) displaying your babeness. Third, to prove your babeness, write a short (200 words or less) hawkish statement (we can't have someone wearing a, anti-terrorist t-shirt who deosn’t actually want terrorists dead). Finally, e-mail a digital copy of the photo, your short essay, name, and website URL (if you have one) to me with the subject "IMAO T-Shirt Babe".

What are the prizes, you ask? Well, you win the job of IMAO T-Shirt Babe, and what could look better on a resume for a future model than that (Answer: Nothing!). Plus, you’ll be adding one more job to the economy thus helping Bush get reelected. You will receive all the IMAO t-shirts, of course, so you can model them. And, as payment for the modeling pictures, you will receive one hundred dollars cash (or check or paypal... whatever works for ya) and a $100 shopping spree at ThoseShirts.com. Plus, if you do a good job, Doug the T-shirt Guy may have more modeling work for you. Also, depending on participation, I may have t-shirt prizes for finalists. And, I might add as a prize a date with me, but I’m afraid a prize like that might make it sound like I’m too desperate to get a t-shirt babe.

To give everyone plenty of time, the deadline is three weeks from now, April, 28th, 11:59AM eastern time.

So spread the word, ring the bells, and notify the press; the contest has begun. Good luck to all participants, though only one will achieve the immortality that is being the IMAO T-Shirt Babe.

Judge Contest: So the guys have a contest too, I'm giving you a chance to join the crčme de la crčme of the blogosphere (and Harvey) in being a judge. To enter write a short (100-words or less) over the top statement about how IMAO the best website... nay... the best thing ever. E-mail it and your preferred appellation to me with the subject "IMAO is Super Great!" and I'll pick my favorite (and thus the winner). If it's really good and pithy, not only will you get to be judge, but your statement and name will end up on my sidebar. You have 48 hours from the time of this post to enter.

All entries will become property of IMAO. Immediate family of the judges are ineligible to enter. Void where prohibited (if you live in one of these prohibited void places, please tell me; I'm curious).

UPDATE: The reason there are no female judges is that, if I asked a woman to be a judge, she would then be ineligible to be the IMAO T-Shirt Babe, and I just can't take that dream away from anyone.

PETA is an annoying bunch, now trying to put the Colonel out of business by giving kids buckets of blood. Evil people scaring kids and trying to put Colonels out of business! I'm going to sic my crack research staff on them!

FUN FACTS ABOUT PETA

* PETA is an acronym that stands for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, but, when wrapped around sliced roasted lamb, they're called GYRO, but I don't know what that stands for.

* They think that animals, things that care not for Christian values and claw and bite with no sense of morality, should be treated "ethically". That's because they're hippies.

* PETA is against all testing on animals. If they had to choose between curing a sick child and saving an evil feces-flinging monkey, they'll choose the demon-spawn simian every time (I mean the monkey). Hey, if God didn't want us experimenting on monkeys, then exactly what the hell did He make them for?

* Many members of PETA like animals more than people, but, ironically, it's a scientifically proven fact that most animals hate hippies.

* Though they don't like KFC's method of killing chickens, their suggested replacement of having each chicken individually strangled with piano wire by a trained assassin is simply not cost effective.

* They think people should be vegetarians, even though plenty of animals eat nothing but meat. Atkins dieters, every one of them.

* I used to tease my dog. I bet PETA wouldn't like it, but my dog didn't too... and she was stupid. So there.

* They complain about how veal calves are kept from moving their entire lives, but have yet to prove they would move if given a choice. Cows are lazy.

* PETA had championed eating whales since less whales would have to be killed to feed the same number of people than chickens. That's crazy. Ever try raising whales on a farm? They really don't get along well with the horses.

* They want to end the game of chinchilla football, and I don't want to live in that world.

* Has sued ACME for perpetuating animal against animal violence.

* When it was revealed that Rudy Giuliani had prostate cancer, PETA exploited that to put up ads saying that milk gave it to him. That's ridiculous. Babies drink nothing but milk and have some of the lowest instances of prostate cancer.

* They claimed that Jesus was a vegetarian even though in the seventh station of the cross Jesus pauses to enjoy a hamburger.

* PETA has had links with the eco-terrorist group ELF, know for having the gayest name of all terrorist groups.

* If surrounded by violent PETA activists, just hold a gun to a kitten's head until they back off.

* In a battle between Aquaman and PETA, Aquaman would be fined for disturbing the peace of fish. Unable to pay the fine, Aquaman would have to serve jail time, and you know someone like him just isn't going to last in jail. Poor Aquaman.

* It would be funny to teach a parrot to say, "PETA is a bunch of stupid hippies!" and then abuse it so PETA has to take him in. Then again, it would be hard to abuse something that spoke such truth.

I'm honestly not trying to start any feuds; all you military branches should play nice. BTW, do people in the military have jokes at the expense of civilians?

(warning, items contain adult language - hell, how many kids read this site?)

* * * *

Jim writes:

This represents an Army view of the Air Force.

As usual we were arguing as we headed to Easy Rider’s, a wonderfully, sleazy biker bar outside Osan AB, Korea. “There is no fuckin’ way that shit will still be on the wall” I informed Sammy. “Bullshit” he retorted, “If God actually does still love us then it will be there”. The “shit” under discussion was a chalk-written phrase on the wall of the bar stating, “Day 105 and God still loves us” that we put there a year previously. We walked in and began looking for the graffiti. There was plenty about, just not the piece we wanted. The exact location was a little hazy due to our condition when writing it. “Right there” Sammy declared, “It was right there”. That’s a fucking dart board you jackass” I informed him. “Then it must be behind it” and he climbed on a stool and pulled the whole thing off the wall and…of course… there it was.

It was significant because the number of days, 105, represented the time since Sam’s resurrection from his first divorce. After a weepy, drunken orgy of self-loathing and decrepitude Sam busted out and became the raving beauty we all loved. This happened shortly after his arrival in Okinawa to B Company, 1st Battalion, 1st Special Forces Group, which at the time was a very famous unit. The fame, more properly infamy, was due to the Sergeant Major of the unit going to Leavenworth for smuggling guns onto Okinawa, apparently for sale to the Yakuza, the Japanese mafia. The payment apparently was gold and someone involved failed a piss test for drugs so we changed the unofficial company motto to “Bravo, First of the First, Drugs, Guns and Gold”. We considered making t-shirts but assumed that someone in authority would disapprove. Sam and I were both fresh from the Special Forces Qualification Course or “Q” course and Oki was our first Special Forces assignment. Normally cherries don’t go to Oki because it is forward-deployed and gets much more dangerous missions than the stateside units but there were other members of the unit involved with the smuggling and the command structure wanted some fresh meat not connected to the incident or individuals.

Having found the evidence that God still loved us; we assumed that boded well for the rest of our evening. Grabbing multiple rum and cokes we proceeded to the pool table. Sam is a legitimately good player with flashes of brilliance and I often don’t suck, but that night the juju was all good. We won the table and Sam informed the room “Table stakes is a round for the winners and we will kick the shit out of any of you Air Force homos who step up”. This went over like a turd in a punch bowl and we readily had our first victims. The prediction was eerily accurate though, as we just couldn’t lose. We quickly accumulated a long row of full glasses and every victory was accompanied with much pontificating as I educated all present on the shortcomings of the US Air Force and their lineage. “The main problem with the Air Force is that it’s not really even a military service. You live in dormitories and eat in cafeterias. Christ it’s a fuckin’ fraternity.” I taught. Our continued success and verbal excess was beginning to chafe, and the natives were seething. The flashpoint was Sam lining up on the eight ball then looking away at me, smiling at the poor wingnut, and burying the ball in the pocket without even looking, proclaiming “Next!”

I was in the process of remounting my soapbox to continue my education of the unwashed masses, when I heard a nasty thwack and turned to see one of guys we had just thumped, thump the ground. I looked back and Sammy had a pool ball in his hand and an amazed look on his face. “Damn” he said “That fucker was gonna hit you with a cue”. That was about all the discussing we did, as this was obviously time to exit. After an adrenaline-filled run through the alleys we stopped and I asked him “What the fuck just happened?” “I told you mothafucker that mothafucker was gonna hit you with a pool cue. I think I broke his skull” “No” I said, “I saw him he was OWT out but his head was OK”. “I hit him with the fuckin’ cue ball BAM” Sammy recalled, “He just laid right the fuck down”. “No shit” I agreed, “Just out of curiosity, you don’t happen to know where the fuck we are do you?” We both looked around and it was apparent that we were in Korea but as to where no clue.

AJ (LC The Humble Devildog) Garin from The People's Democratic Republic of Madison, WI writes:

Reading all of your comments by Air Farce, Army, and Navy veterans has compelled me, a humble Marine (no such thing) to chime in.

1. The Air Force does have the highest ASVAB requirements... they are the same as the Marines. The Marines are the hardest branch to get into because you have to be very smart AND strong AND tough AND just a touch crazy. The average Marine enlisted man when I was in (1989-1992) had 3 years of college, more than Army officers! And that includes people like me, for whom Boot Camp was my higher education. (btw, only Marines go to Boot Camp, all the others go to basic training)

2. The Marines have a heated rivalry with the Navy that goes back to before this country was even official, but the Marines and the Army have actually exchanged fire with each other, during a time of war, in a combat zone, on the front lines, ON PURPOSE! The two regiments in question had to be pulled off the front line during a heightened alert to keep them from trying to kill each other. It happened during WWII, I believe it was during the battle of Guadalcanal, but it might have happened later. I have read several accounts of the incident, but the US Government tries to discourage research into the incident because it kinda makes the Army look bad.

3. The US Navy is the only branch of the US military that is older than the Marines, and the Royal Marines of the UK are the only Marine Corps that is older than the US Marine Corps. The US Navy was officially formed in the first half of 1775 (I don't remember the date because I don't consider the start up date for a taxi service to be important), while the US Marine Corps was formed by an act of the Continental Congress on November 10, 1775 (Veterans Day falls the next day). The United States of America was not even formed until 1790 at the earliest, and the US Army was not formed until 1796. So the Marines kinda view the Army as the (somewhat retarded) younger brother who tries so hard to impress his older brother, but always seems to wind up falling of his face in the process. As all big brothers must do, when the little brother fails, we have to go in and pick him up, dust him off, and show him how it's really done.

4. Just because Marines charge machine-guns for a living, does not mean they are stupid, but it is a good indication.

5. This Marine's feelings on the other branches:

a. Army stands for Ain't Ready for the Marines Yet.

b. We like the Navy... they give us rides.

c. It's too easy to pick on the Air Force, no challenge in it. They're Boy Scouts with planes.

6. When I was in the Middle East for Desert Shield/Storm/Saber, I had to make a trash run. We had to take all of the trash our company had generated over the past 4 weeks to the dump to, well, dump. While we were there, we ran into a trash detail from the Air Force. We compared living conditions. The Air Force pukes were telling us that their conditions were brutal because there was only enough hot water on the base for everyone to take only one hot shower a day... their second shower had to be a cold one. We only had enough water to drink... no showers, or laundry, or shaving with water (yes, we still shaved, just not as often). I wanted to punch the pukes. The only consolation was that our trash detail was 2 non-rate enlisted men (E-3 or lower, of which I was one), and a Corporal to goof off with us, er, make sure we didn't goof off, while their detail was 1 Sergeant (equal to a Corporal in the Marine Corps/Army), 1 Staff Sergeant, and 1 Master Technical Sergeant... they were the most junior men in their unit! In the Marines, Sergeants DO NOT DO trash details, that's what they have us Lance Corporals for.

7. The only thing you need to know about the Marines is that we guarantee it will be destroyed overnight, or the next one's free.

P.S. Buck the Marine couldn't be more of a Marine unless he lost the ability to speak and grunted all his responses. And Marine is ALWAYS capitalized, even when referring to the Royal Marines. The 3 significant Marine Corps are the US Marines, the Royal Marines of the UK, and the Naval Spestnaz of the former USSR. I do not know if the third one still exists, because there was such a small number of them that they were inconsequential. The Republic of Korea also has a Marine Corps, which, while very small, is mentioned in some Bibles in the 11th commandment "Thou shalt not fuck with ROK Marines, for an ass-beating shall soon commence, and thou shall be on the receiving end". They are very tough, very mean, and very well trained. (they get ALOT of live fire training... with live targets...their main job is fighting North Korean infiltrators)

Christine from Foley, AL writes:

I had to relate an experience I had at BMTS (Lackland AFB, San Antonio, TX). It was in August...HOT, HOT, HOT!!! Anyway, it was towards the end of the six weeks 'basic training' (of course the AF has the 'smarts'...why go to 8 weeks or more of boot camp when you can get it over with in just 6?), and it was the weekend. We were relatively 'free' from our TIs, although we did have work to do. The group I was with was assigned to set up a water cannon to spray over a vast expanse of lawn. (Remember, it was August, and HOT, HOT, HOT! Have to keep those AF bases looking green and lush...must continue to make other branches envious). We had the hose hooked up to the hydrant, but couldn't get the water started. I guess only 6 weeks of training wasn't enough to build up our muscles...or else, as women, we were waiting for some of those good-looking Marines to come by and help us! We really enjoyed watching them as they did their PT, blasting "Proud to be an American" on their boomboxes. (Sniff, brings a tear to my eye...patriotism and gorgeous men all wrapped up in one package). Anyway, as we struggled in the heat, a TI from our neighboring flight drove by and saw the problem. So of course he pulls up, parks next to the lawn, and proceeds to come over and chew us out. He then shows us exactly how to get the hydrant opened....it opened alright. But, he forgot to notice that the water cannon was aimed directly at his vehicle....and remember, it was HOT, HOT, HOT, so he had the windows down in his car. The water blasted through one car window at out the other. Thank God I was third generation military....(Granddad was an early Navy pilot on the original aircraft carriers when they still had wooden decks, and Dad was a navigator on the JFK). So I kept my military bearing (i.e. I kept very still, made myself very small, and made NO movement that might be interepreted as the beginning of chuckling, guffawing, or ROFLMAO!) The TI turned off the water as fast as he could. We stood there, fearing the worst. The TI stood there, fists clinched, his face turning red, and then purple. What fate awaited us, what punishment would befall us?????!!!!! Absolutely nothing. The TI ignored us, walked to his car and opened his door. Some water poured out, splashing his feet. He got in and drove away, without looking at us. As soon as he was out of sight, we were ROTFLOAO!!!!!! Had this been the Marines, we still would have been doing push-ups or cleaning latrines or God knows what. I have related this story to my kids, and so far, only one is thinking about the AF (he tends to want to take the easy way out). One other son is thinking about being a Navy pilot, and the third, the toughest, most stubborn of the bunch, wants to become a Marine, of course. I do have a daughter, who doesn't want to join, but then, she's probably thinking about all the men in uniform that her brothers will be around....does anybody know a good convent school I can lock her in until she is about 35? Just kidding. I am proud of ALL the branches of the United States military. (After all, the Marines are just a department of the Navy....the MEN's department!!!! Just kidding, Dad and Granddad. I am proud to have been a Navy brat, proud to have had a brother in the Army, and proud to have been in the Air Force/Texas Air National Guard.)

Thank you for your site, Frank. My husband and I enjoy your humor and intelligence....you would have been an awesome Marine or a kick-ass Navy pilot....and with your viewpoints, Rummy might have chosen you to be his aide and heir....America has really missed out with that.

P.S. Bring back "Nuke the Moon" T-shirts, please, please, please!!!!!!!

Even my mom is nagging me on that one. Well, if all the nagging is any indication, maybe I can sell another batch.

As for the military, I've serious considered joining the Air Force a number of time (when I started college and the National Guard after 9/11) but never went through with it.

* * * *

I have a backlog of more to put up, but keep it coming. If you have military experience (first-hand or second-hand) I'd love to hear more jokes and anecdotes. E-mail me with the subject "Military". A big thanks to everyone who has sent in e-mails already.

* It Ain't Funny... Yet: A lot of people asked me right after the Fallujah killings why I didn't say anything; well, that's because there wasn't anything funny to say. I guess I'm locked in my format, and I'm not that good at serious commentary.

That Marines are there, anyway, and, as soon as they track down those responsible and riddle them bullets, then I'll make a joke. Ooh! I got one now...

* In Bloggo Veritas: I assume most people have heard about the Kos kerfuffle where his feeling about those who were killed in Fallujah was "screw them." Geez, what is it with pacifists and a complete utter lack of humanity?

Anyway, when does one cross the line from dissenter to horrible human being? I think most would say Chomsky and Michael Moore crossed that line a while ago, and it's starting to look like Kos did. Sure, he took down the statement, but it's very revealing how someone is so caught up in his or her own politics that he or she would immediately respond to horrific killings with "screw them". It seems his political philosophies are more important to him than human lives.

He should have come to IMAO. We help make sure you don't take politics too seriously (why do I always say 'we'?).

* For the Record I: If Kos's burnt corpse was mutilated and dragged through the street, I'd say, "Hey! Don't do that!"

I guess as a warmongering hawk, I just have a different view on the sanctity of life.

* Jobs!: 308,000 new jobs were made in March. That's a freaking lot of jobs! The Kerry campaign must be crapping their pants. They already know no one is going to trust John Flip-Flopping Kerry to handle the war on terror, so, if he can't make the economy an issue, he's got nut'n... except for his wife's millions. Why does every rich, haughty, French-looking person gotta run for office? Why can't he just be happy with his snotty social status and money? As Homer Simpson would say, "Go back to Massachusetts, pinko!"

Hey, since I filed my blog in my taxes as an in-home business, does this blogging count as one of those jobs? Anyway, it's my job, and no one else can have it!

* All This Attention Must Give Him a Big Head: John Kerry's hatchet man, Ted Kennedy, has now compared Iraq to Vietnam. Why does anyone listen to that man? Oh yeah; he's a freak'n Senator. Stupid Taxachusetts.

I just can't believe that bloated man's gall. If he had his way, he would drive this country right off a cliff and then swim to safety while letting us drown. Well, America is going to fight evil no matter how bloated an impotent Senator Massachusetts elects. You hear that, jackasses? And once we're done with terrorists, we're coming for you!

* For the Record II: If Ted Kennedy's burnt corpse was mutilated and dragged through the street, I'd say, "Wow! That vehicle has some torque!"

Kidding.

He may be an uber-partisan, lecherous liberal who's committed vehicular homicide, but he's our uber-partisan, lecherous liberal who's committed vehicular homicide, dammit, and you evil foreigners better not burn him and mutilate his corpse if you know what's good for you (which, as history shows, you probably don't).

* IMAO Seal of Approval: I saw the movie Rundown over the weekend. It's a pretty cool action flick starring The Rock with Christopher Walken (with a quick cameo from the Governator), and should have two scenes in it where you should instantly think of IMAO. Anyone who has seen it know what I'm talking about? Definitely worth a rent or, if you're like me, putting on your Netflix queue.

* The Circle is Now Complete: Speaking of movies, I've noticed on my sidebar that the original Star Wars trilogy on DVD is now available for pre-order. Is that the last of the movie holdouts to finally hit DVD, or is there some other classic (well, Star Wars was classic back when Han Solo shot first) still not available in the modern movie format?

* Monkey News: Monkey are making life hell for citizens of Chandigarh, India, stealing food and just generally being monkeys. India is a growing democracy, and, to fully join the civilized world, they must destroy the temples of Hanuman the monkey god and hunt down all the evil monkeys. A democratic country with nuclear power is worthless if monkeys are running everywhere, jumping from nuclear missile to nuclear missile while making their silly monkey sounds. The world - namely me - is laughing at you, India, and you shouldn't take that.

* For the Record III: If monkeys' burnt corpses were mutilated and dragged through the street, that would be a good start.

* Fan Buttons: I now have buttons for my fan clubs. I have a nice one made from a reader Ben for fan club one, and I used one of the ones supplied by Jennifer for fan club two.

Make sure to sign up for the Frank Fan Club so that you too can be used towards making me rich and famous and stealing Jonah Goldberg's job. I'll send an e-mail to charter members this weekend welcoming you and giving you your one time pads to decrypt the super secret Frank Fan messages.

* Some Americans (I'm Ashamed to Say) Do Read French: Now we have subversive laptop tote bags (thanks to reader Jeff for e-mailing me this one).

So, by putting the message in just the French, do you think they are trying to be funny or are cowards?

Either way, let's not take this too far and mutilate their burnt corpses while our children cheer us on.

* T-Shirt Babe!!!: The official announcement for the IMAO T-Shirt Babe contest will be tomorrow, along with the rules, list of the prizes, and the celebrity judges (plus details on how one IMAO reader can win being one of those judges). Help support this great contest which will add yet another job (namely IMAO T-Shirt Babe) to the Bush economy.

John Hawkins has a list of preferred dinner guests as chosen by right-of-center bloggers (like me). I think the number one choice is pretty interesting.

* I was listening to Rush on the way back from Lunch, and I heard him mention this post of Scrappleface.

DAMN YOU, SCRAPPLEFACE!

(nearly crashed and killed me and my coworkers when I shouted that)

Why aren't I being mentioned by Rush? What are you, my readers and my fans. doing? You're worthless! Argh!

* The Limey has e-mailed me again, this time singling out certain IMAO commenters for his contempt. Plus, he mentions some musical group. My response will be forthcoming...

* I was reminded by a military reader Jeff that today is National Kill a Commie Day (the Rosenbergs were executed 51 years ago today). Celebrate appropriately.

More about our military...

* * * *

John has some Marine jokes:

Marines are commonly refered to as jarheads. I think it is because there heads aren't screwed on straight.

How can you tell if a Marine has been in your backyard? Your trash can is empty and your dog is pregnant.

As far as I know the marines haven't lost a gate yet.

The only good marine is a submarine.

A marine general, an Air Force general, and a Navy Admiral were on a golf course one day arguing who had the most courageous men, so they decided to put it to the test. They went to the marine base and the Marine general walked up to a marine and told him to pull the pin on a grenade and fall on it. The marine did as he was told and was blown up. The Marine general said "Now that took guts". The Air Force general said "That's nothing". They all went to the Air Force base, the Air Force general walked up to an airman told to take a plane up to 30,000 feet and jump out of the plane without a parachute. He did as he was told and promptly became a spot on the ground. The Air Force general said "Now that took guts". The Navy Admiral said "That's nothing". They went to the Navy base and the Admiral took them on an Navy Cruiser. There was a seaman working on an antenna about 200 feet in the air. The Admiral hollered up to the seaman "I want you to jump down here right now!" The seaman hollered back "F_ck you Admiral"! The Admiral looked at the other 2 and said "Now that took guts".

Jason writes:

I did my AIT (advanced individual training) for the Army on a small navel base in Mississippi. We once made them open the only mess hall on base to because we were late getting our training done that day. It took about an hour and call from the base commander to get them to open it. They were not very happy. They also did not like it that we got up at 0400 and made a lot of noise when we went to PT. The Seabees usually got up about 0700.

The moral: the Navy is only open from 0700 to 1700. The Army never closes.

Since Marines are paid by the Department of the Navy, their no better.

I don’t recognize the Air Force as a real armed service division since only their officers do the dying.

Wow, them's fight'n words.

Dennis has some info on tanks:

I was in the Army, served four years, got in the Reserves/Guard and was called up for Gulf War 1. Retired in 99.

I was in Armor, which is the guys that drive, shoot, live in tanks. Being on the ground is dangerous when tanks are moving. And it seems like whenever it is dark, crappy weather, the tanks are moving. So, tankers like to stay on their tanks. It is extremely hard to get run over by a tank if you are on a tank. If I had someone who would bring me chow, I wouldn't have to get off of the tank for any reason.
The ground is where the Infantry lives, and down there it is either muddy or dusty or something uncomfortable. I didn't want to be in the Infantry, so I tried to stay on the tank.

Some truisms about Armor.
1. Nothing on a tank weighs less than a railroad crosstie.
2. When a tank gets stuck in mud, big (huge) cables are needed to get it out.
3. You can learn to sleep on hard, flat steel.
4. Tanks are cold in the winter, hot in the summer.
5. Second Lieutenants shouldn't be trusted with that much destructive power.
6. If a Second Lieutenant finds himself in command of a platoon of tanks, he should listen to his NCO's. They will keep him out of trouble, and will keep him from killing himself or someone else.

The biggest truism about the Army in general and the Guard/Reserve in particular is the unbelievable education of the troops. My last driver was a young corporal who had joined the Guard to get an education. He had his Bachelors degree and was within striking distance of his Masters. We had a medical unit attached to our battalion. There were enlisted medics in that section. All of the enlisted medics were Registered Nurses. One of my NCO's was a practicing attorney, another was a CPA. Fully 60% of the unit was enrolled in college. In short, the guys in the Guard/Reserve take advantage of the educational opportunities, and they make the unit stronger because they are so educated.

J writes:

Each branch serves a special role --

Army -- Exists to lose the territory in the first place.

Air Force -- then overflies the territory to see how deeply the Army took it in the shorts.

Navy -- Provides the boats to carry the...

Marines -- who then take the territory back.

Bob has this little saying about your National Guard:

From one who served in the same unit with GW:

"Sleep Well........Your Guard does!"

Finally, Charles has some info on what it is like to be a Marine and Marine Drill Instructors:

I served 4 outstanding years in the Marine Corps. I can describe the life and times of a Marine, but it's impossible to convey the true experience. The Marines is not a 'job', a 'vocation' or an 'opportunity to see the world', though it offers all these things...it's a way of life, a religion. He is recognizable by his bearing and discipline wherever he goes, even out of uniform. Strangers still ask me, after years as a civilian working for the military, "were you a Marine?" I don't really have any jokes to tell, I served during the Clinton years and I felt I had something important to say about that time.

I went to boot camp at MCRD San Diego, which makes me a 'Hollywood' Marine, There are also Parris Island Marines who went through boot camp in SC near Beaufort. The only difference between us are sand fleas and mountains (trust me, sand fleas are hell...especially when you're not allowed to touch your face or scratch.) which always makes for some friendly jabbing among us (I visited Parris Island with a couple of buddies and remarked on how flat, pretty and green it all was...which set off a wrestling match, they also get to see girls (female marines)). My junior Drill Instructor was once an extra in some skating movie in the 80's, he was the scariest 5' 6" human being I have ever met. I'll have to go on a tangent to describe the DI:

Drill Instructors have special powers granted by a special formula given to them after passing one of the most difficult, anal, and stressful schools in the entire Marine Corps:

1) The ability to camoflage themselves into walls, objects, vehicles and sand dunes, whenever a recruit makes a mistake, approximately 200 DI's will 'uncloak' and simultaneously appear in your location, utilizing their other special powers listed below.

2) DI's can teleport from one location to another in less than a second, often appearing to scream at you from behind walls.

3) The Voice: Many (not all) DI's are capable of screaming in a false, hoarse and unmistakeable voice for several hours, sometimes days. Many learned this skill in Boot Camp themsleves after yelling "AYE, SIR!!!!!!" into the wee hours of the night. This Voice has a strange hypnotizing effect on the victim causing him to instantly obey any command the DI makes, such as "Build Mt. Sirubachi in my squad bay by piling footlockers and throwing mattreses on top!" or "stare at a mirror and tell yourself 'NO, I'm not fat! you are!! and repeat until I get tired!" (yes, both of these really happened)

4) Inability to get dirty. DI's never get dirty, even in a sandstorm a DI will still appear clean and sparkling as if protected by a force field, which it may well be since no recruit has ever laid hands upon a DI and lived to tell about it.

5) Growth. Many DI's are under 6' tall, however they are capable of growing to immense size has their temperature rises. There are others who believe that in fact the recruits shrink instead of the DI's growing, but it may be a combination of both.

6) Telepathy: DI's can read the minds of recruits sensing our fears and thoughts, however this power may not be very strong as recruits constantly surprise the DI's with their stupidity.

7) the ability to see in all directions. It's isn't clear whether there is a 'third eye' or if a DI's normal eyes can revolve around their heads 360 degrees. However they can see any action taking place around them and instantly react.

8) super vision. Besides being able to see in all directions, DI's can spot even the smallest blemish in your uniform, even ameoba and paramecia.

there are many other powers such as 'drink all night, sleep with 3 women and appear completely sober and and angry as hell at 4 in the morning' but I'm running long.

okay, I'll get serious now:

My life in the Marine Corps was the greatest in my life, although I never saw combat, I was always ready to do so, unfortunately a few of my friends have died in combat and training for combat. I was stationed at Cherry Point, NC and many people in the area and in towns around it hated and despised us before 9/11 and the Iraq War. It's as if people didn't care that our lives could end any moment fighting for our freedom. We used to drive up to a college town nearby, Greenville, where the ECU campus is, to have beers and meet women. We'd get laughed at because of our haircuts and the way we'd tuck our shirts in, shave, and dress properly (behind our backs of course). College girls would ignore us or treat us with contempt all the time. The college guys there hated our guts, and knowing we couldn't afford to get in a fight would goad us all the time, key our cars and slash our tires. These people had their hearts and minds poisoned against us, I suspect, by liberal professors and jealousy. Their heroes were their fake warriors such as football players and basketball players. I heard things have improved quite a bit, but I still have to subdue an urge to punch any college prof. I meet. If you're getting that urge right now, please do so.

I have a backlog of more to put up, but keep it coming. If you have military experience (first-hand or second-hand) I'd love to hear more jokes and anecdotes. E-mail me with the subject "Military".

Chomps walked over to Rumsfeld and started gagging.

"What?" Rumsfeld asked with annoyance, "Are you too pansy-ass to swallow something?"

Chomps wanted to growl, but just gagged some more.

"I guess I better help you before you get mad at your own throat and tear it out," Rumsfeld said as he walked over to Chomps and gave him the Heimlich maneuver. Chomps then coughed up what looked like a hairball.

The hairball then began to move. Then it made a noise. "Yipe! Yipe!"

Laura Bush ran over yelling in relief, "There's Barney!" She then picked up the quivering little Scotty dog. She looked to Rumsfeld and shouted, "Your dog tried to swallow Barney again! I need him for my hilarious Christmas movies!"

"It's not my Chomps's fault your dog is so damn small and nearly swallowable," Rumsfeld answered.

"Bad dog!" Laura yelled at Chomps and then hit him on the nose. "Bad bad dog!" She stormed away.

"You gonna take that from her?" Rumsfeld asked Chomps.

Chomps just snorted and lay down for the world's angriest nap.

* * * *

"We need to do something about Fallujah," Bush said to Condi, "but we have to make sure we don't kill any innocent Iraqis."

"I have the perfect thing," Condi stated as she turned on a projector, "It's the 'Kill Only Bad People' bomb."

"That's exactly what we need!" Bush exclaimed, but then looked at the image more suspiciously. "Hey! That's just a nuclear bomb with the words 'Kills Only Bad People' crudely written on the side. You're trying to trick me into using nukes again! I'm ashamed of you, Condi; you used to try a lot harder to trick me than this."

"I have that 9/11 commission to prepare for," Condi said defensively.

Rumsfeld then walked in the Oval Office. "What do you think we should do about Fallujah, Rummy?" Bush asked.

"Nuke 'em!"

"As part of compassionate conservatism," Bush stated, "I make sure my carnage is focused. I'm leaving it to the Marines to go in there and get just the bad people."

* * * *

"How do we tell the good Iraqis from the bad Iraqis, Buck?" Gomez asked.

"The bad ones will be foreign," Buck the Marine answered.

"Buck, that ain't PC," Gomez said, "We're supposed to call them 'nationally challenged'."

"Whatever you call 'em, I sure don't like it how they killed those people and mutilated their corpses," Johnson stated angrily.

"I don't like it either," Buck said, "If people dragged my burnt corpse around, I'd kill 'em!"

"But you'd be dead," Gomez pointed out.

"That don't matter; a Marine will find a way to kill even if he's dead. Did I ever tell you about how my Grandpappy, Jebediah the Marine, killed three Germans after he died?"

"We all heard the story about the shipping mishap after your grandfather died while vacationing in Berlin," Johnson answered.

Buck nodded proudly. "All sons of Nazis."

* * * *

"Let's turn on the news and see how the Marines are doing," Bush stated.

"Don't you have someone to brief on that?" Condi asked.

"Yeah, but he ain't talking to me after I played a practical joke on him."

"How long was he in the hospital?"

"Never mind that," Bush snapped, and then turned on the T.V. "Dammit! It's one of those John Kerry commercials!"

Black and white images of crying children were shown as a voice over said, "Bush has lost millions of jobs, botched the war on terror, and is too god-durn chicken to meet El Murdero for a stand off at high noon in a town at the Texas-Mexican border."

Next came John Kerry's voice. "I'm John Kerry, and I approved this message... for now."

"You hear that!" Bush exclaimed, "I've been challenged! If I don't meet it, everyone will think I'm a coward. I might even lose the Texan vote!"

"Who's El Murdero?" Condi asked.

"Some bandito I signed off the death sentence for while governor of Texas," Bush explained, "He escaped to Mexico and always vowed revenge."

"So now John Kerry has hired him to taunt you into a trap," Condi said.

"And it will work because I'm dumb," Bush said as he put on his cowboy hat and duster. "You two get ready."

"Why would we help you?" Rumsfeld asked while Condi nodded.

"Uh... well El Murdero said you're a pansy, Rummy," Bush told him as he put on his gun belt.

"Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled as he punched a hole in the wall.

"And he said Condi is fat," Bush added.

"Dead man walking!" Condi declared, "I'll get my M-16 with the grenade launched."

"Condi... Condi... Condi...," Bush chuckled as he shook his head, "This is a Wild West shoot-out, you silly goose. You walk into it with an M-16, and everyone will just laugh at you. Make sure any rifle you bring is either lever-action or pump-action."

Laura then looked through the doorway. "Are you getting ready for a shootout, George?"

"If I'm not killed, I'll be back by this evening, dear," Bush answered.

"Well, no twirling your gun; that's dangerous."

"Yes, dear," Bush said, rolling his eyes.

"And what kind of gun are you bringing?"

"A single action army, dear."

"You make sure to only load five bullets in it and have the hammer resting on an empty chamber."

"Okay, dear."

"You should really think about buying a gun with a transfer-bar safety," Laura said sternly.

"But then it wouldn't be an authentic Old West gun," Bush whined.

"We'll see how much you care about that after you've blown your foot off," Laura stated and then walked off.

"Wuss," Rumsfeld grunted.

"Let's get going," Bush said.

"Wait," Condi interrupted, "Is this place in Texas or Mexico?"

Bush shrugged his shoulders. Suddenly, his desk fell apart. There, with pieces of the desk in his mouth, was Chomps wearing his blue U.N. peacekeeper helmet.

"Chomps is right," Rumsfeld said, "He should come along as a U.N. observer so we don't get nagged."

"Fine," Bush declared, "Now it's time for people to die... hopefully other people."

* * * *

A tumbleweed rolled by them as the three came to a sign saying, "Welcome to Texaco."

"Right on the border," Bush said. He looked to the town's clock. "Not quite noon. Let's stop in the saloon and try to get some information."

When they entered the saloon, the bartender called out, "Hey. Three gringos! Would you like some tequila?"

"I'm a recovering alcoholic," Bush answered as he sat down, "Just a beer, please."

Chomps growled.

"He'll have the tequila," Rumsfeld told the bartender, "and bring the whole bottle if you like your limbs."

"Si senor."

"Your dog better not be an angry drunk," Bush said and scanned the crowd who stared at him menacingly. "Looks like a nice community." He then just barely ducked in time to miss being cut with a knife. Bush turned to see his attacker and exclaimed, "Hey! It's my old friend, the Mexican! Remember when you were VP?"

"And remember when I told you if I saw you again, I'd cut you?"

Bush shook his head.

"Stupid gringo!" the Mexican yelled, "Because of you, this town is ruined! First, this snotty Frenchman who kept mentioning how he was a waiter in Vietnam comes by..."

"John Kerry!" Bush, Condi, and Rumsfeld all exclaimed.

"Yeah, that was his name," the Mexican continued, "and then he hires El Murdero and a bunch of banditos to kill you. Now, with all the banditos in town, we're losing tourist dollars!"

"Don't worry my nationally challenged friend," Bush stated, "We're here to rid the town of those banditos."

"Probably get your own head blown off," the Mexican laughed, "Then I'll dance around my sombrero."

"You shouldn't put your hat on the ground," Bush said, "It's dirty." The town clocked then chimed. "It's time," Bush announced as he stood up, "We'll finish this conversation later, Mexican."

"I'm not thinking so."

Bush, Condi, Rumsfeld, and Chomps wandered into the street. "What's the plan?" Condi asked.

"We stand out in the open, and then, when the banditos shoot at us, we'll know where they are and can shoot them back."

"What if they hit us when they first shoot?" Condi asked angrily.

Bush thought about that one a bit. "I don't think that's allowed."

Rumsfeld fired his double-barreled shotgun. "I saw something move, so I shot it. That's my policy."

Gunfire erupted everywhere, and Rumsfeld ran for cover as he shot his shotgun and reloaded. Condi kept moving while firing her lever-action rifle. Bush stayed walking through the center of town, firing at whoever appeared. "Take that you evil bandito!" Bush yelled as he fired his gun. It clicked empty. "Dammit! I forgot I only loaded five!" he yelled as jumped for cover. "Stupid thing is so damn hard to reload," Bush said as he emptied the casings out of his peacemaker as bullets hit all around him. He saw Chomps sitting nearby, wearing his blue helmet and wagging his tail. "Aren't you going to help?" Bush asked him.

Chomps growled angrily.

"Fine!" Bush exclaimed, rolling his eyes, "You're just here to observe,"

The firing at Bush stopped. "Come out, Mr. Bush!" called the unmistakable voice of El Murdero.

"Time to carry out your sentence," Bush said as he stood up.

"It's just you and me, Mr. Bush," El Murdero said as his right handle dangled over the handle of his holstered gun, "You're friends are pinned down."

"Then I guess it's a standoff," Bush said, his hand hovering over his holster.

They stared each other in the eyes, and then El Murdero went for his gun. Before he touched it, a gunshot sounded from off to Bush's side, and El Murdero fell dead. Walking out into the open was the Mexican carrying a shotgun.

"I could have taken him myself!" Bush yelled.

"Look at your holster, you stupid gringo," the Mexican answered.

Bush looked down to see that his holster was empty. "Whoopsie-doodle," he said with a grin as he walked back over to the barrel to pick up his gun.

Rumsfeld and Condi then came towards him. "We're done kill'n," Rumsfeld announced, "In this town, at least."

"Good, then you can leave," the Mexican said, "All this shooting had scared away the tourists. Now I want to open one of those coffee shops with the couches and the ambiance and s**t that you stupid gringos like."

"Good luck with that," Bush said to him, "I'll see you around."

"If that happens, I CUT YOU!"

* * * *

"The 308,000 jobs created in March, the number of terrorists killed and captured, and the more than a dozen dead banditos in Texaco prove that everything in John Kerry's ad is a falsehood," White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan announced.

"With what happened in Fallujah," said one reporter, "will you now say that Iraq is a quagmire."

Scott sighed loudly. "No, we will not say it is now a 'quagmire'. Any other questions?"

There was a silence for about ten seconds, and then the same reporter asked, "How about now?"

"Okay. I'm outta here."

Announcements, announcements, announcements ,
A terrible death to die, terrible death to die,
A terrible death to be talked to death,
A terrible death to die

Anyhoo, a few things:

* I have now updated my random quotes to the end of April 2003 (which includes the first appearance of Buck the Marine). It seems I'm never going to get caught up with those.

Since I get asked from time to time, instruction on how to add random IMAO quotes to your site (and thus increase its humor quotient by at least 500%) are here.

* I've finally added links to my fan clubs on my main page. Right now, it's just text links until they come up with some better buttons that don't involve monkeys (I want a button with a 1911 and a katana). Remember, the whole idea of the fan clubs is to scare Jonah Goldberg with my popularity and trick Rich Lowry into hiring me. I'm afraid that Fan Club Two, though having Susie involved, may be subversive (actually, that's a neat idea; make a subversive fan club for Jonah Goldberg like "Stoned Hippies for Goldberg").

Make sure to sign up for the fan club because I'll soon send out the secret one time pads that will be needed to decrypt the special Frank Facts I'll be posting later.

Oh, and I need to get working on that mother of all columns. Looking through my old stuff for random quotes, I'm thinking something of this style would work best. I just need a good topic (and don't say "Chicago" LibertyBob).

* I meant to do an update to my Peace Gallery this weekend, but I forgot; sorry. I still have some to add even though the shirt has been out of print for a while. I'll get to it soon, and my lazy brother Joe foo' the Marine (I know you're reading this) better finally e-mail me his pictures soon. I hope he isn't this lazy if called overseas:

"I'll kill for'ners tomorrow. Don't rush me."

* The IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest will come soon, I swear! You won't have to have an IMAO t-shirt for your picture for the contest, and, in addition to the picture, you'll have to write a short (probably 200-word) pro-war statement. The prize will be money and free t-shirts (plus fame and glory of being the IMAO T-Shirt Babe). It will be decided by judges, and I'll be e-mailing to some people soon if they want to be judges. I'll probably also have a short contest for one more judge (so the guys have a contest too). Official announcement of the contest will come later.

Now I better think of something to write for tomorrow before you all get cranky...

Just heard the door bell ring (I have today off from work), and there at my doorstep are my Know Thy Enemy: The French shirts from ThoseShirts.com. They're a piece of art as usual.

Anyway, there printed now and ready for shipping. Everyone who pre-ordered should be getting them. Remember, everytime a doorbell rings with a delivery of IMAO t-shirts, Chomps lives another day :)

Here's some more of what I got. I'll probably be making a regular feature of this because I enjoy it at least.

* * * *

Gregg from Alexandria VA writes:

I thought you might enjoy this description of the Branches of the U.S. Military. In the interest of disclosure, I should tell you that I spent 12 years in the Air Force.

If you ask the Marines to “secure a building”, they will send a squad under cover of darkness who will place explosive charges and blow the building up. They will then report back that the building is secured.

If you ask the Army to “secure a building”, they will send a platoon of soldiers with artillery support who will clear the building and establish a 360 degree cordon around it. They will then report back that the bldg is secured.

If you ask the Navy to “secure a Building” they will send 2 Sailors and a Chief (who will undoubtedly have a cup of coffee in his hand). The Chief will order the two Sailors to turn off the coffee pot, turn off all of the lights and lock the doors to the Building. They will then report back that the building is secure.

If you ask the Air Force to “secure a building” they will get you a 6 year lease with an option to buy.

DNice writes:

Okay Frank, I'll give it a shot for the Army.

I read, with great interest, the ravings of the Air Force puke. What a wuss and a whiner!

By the way, in basic training (NOT BOOT CAMP!!! Basic Training!!!), one of the first things they taught us was not to stand around with our hands in our pockets. Our Drill Instructors referred to this as wearing your Air Force gloves.

I was stationed in southern VA near an Air Force Base, and we did some joint training with them, and I kind of got to know some of them (we'd go to the same church off post, etc.). What Wacky Hermit says is generally true regarding rank and whatnot. But I spent a bit of time on the Air Force Base and I can tell you, while they may not have got the promotions and pay, they had a KICK ASS standard of living. Those places were PLUSH compared to the stinking holes we lived in. And the food at the mess hall!!! Damn they ate good.

Here's a piece of trivia for you. The Army has the largest number of personnel, more boats than the Navy, more aircraft than the Air Force, more brains than the Marines (sorry, I couldn't resist) and the smallest budget of all of the services.

Anyway, if you really want to know what day-to-day life in the Army is like, then watch Platoon. Take out all of the drug stuff (that was WAY
overdone) and they really got it right. The lingo, the uniforms (one of my pet peeves is to see how movies screw up the wearing of uniforms...
insignia all wrong, pinned where they shouldn't be), the way they interacted. It was exact. In fact, they have a scene where the new lieutenant comes through the tent where the enlisted guys are hanging out (doing drugs... DAMN!) and the way he is REALLY uncomfortable and they are making him know he's not one of them... Everyone who's been enlisted in the Army has been in that room, and seen that exact scenario play out. It was priceless.

BTW, I saw that movie in a U.S. Army movie theatre in Erlangen Germany in 1988, and there were still a bunch of Vietnam Vets in our unit that went with us. There was dead silence after it was over and everyone just walked out (kind of like the Passion is doing today). We knew they had got it right.

Also, Basic Training is over rated as being hard. It was hard if you don't like people yelling at you (curiously people from broken homes had a hard time with this... never figured the connection out, but it was pretty universal). It didn't bother me that much. It was 8 weeks of camp for me. When I was going to make Sergeant (E-5) they sent me to the NCO Academy in Kitzingen Germany for 4 weeks of pure hell! THAT was hard. It was WAY worse than basic training! Lights out at 11:00pm and wake up at 3:00am with PT twice a day, and 12 hours of classes in between! FOUR WEEKS! That was the hardest thing I've ever done.

That's it, hope it helps.

Casey writes:

Young and impressionable that is exactly what I was. A walking piece of meat to recruiters. I went into every branche's office. The Navy, well they had the promise of getting me an education and traveling the world, Army was just what everyone was doing, it was packed full of highschool seniors being promised the MOS of Army Ranger, the Air Force had some cute girls signing up (which is a rarity) and well the Marine Corps was empty with just some mean looking Staff Sgt's arm wrestling.......yes sooo stereotypical....sooo me.

No promises of bonus's, education, girls, just the promise of the toughest recruit training in the western hemisphere, hell for the world for that matter. With that In mind I signed over my soul to the United States Marine Corps. I was a decent 18 year old, pretty smart, got along fine with my parents, no legal problems, could of gone to a good college, but no welcome to the school of hard knocks...Known to most has Marine Corps Recruit Depot San Diego.

Yes every red blooded American has seen "Full Metal Jacket" and Most dismiss it has an exagerated horror story.......Au Contrair! While slightly dramatic and exagerated it was pretty damn close. As part of 1st Btn Charlie company Plt 1077, I learned what it took to become a man, then destroyed that mold and became a MARINE. You start off on black sunday when you first meet your drill instructors. The first two to three weeks are the worst. The DI's are always screaming and yelling at you, kicking sand in your face, making the over weight kids dance in their skivies to circus tunes. After the first couple weeks every recruit breaks, whether it just be a small tear to a compelte mental breakdown. The DI's are doing their job. You want to learn, the thought of running into machine gun fire to save your squad sounds like a good idea. Soon the DI's ease up a bit and let the Platoon's police their own. Whether it be a shouting match between squad leaders to a complete bloody brawl. As every Marine Knows, what goes on behind those walls stays behind the walls. After dozens of three mile runs, Island hopping campaigns in the sand box's, and quarter deck sessions; the recruits are ready to head to Camp Pendleton to Edson range where they will learn to become trained killers, they will learn to become one with the M-16A2 service rifle. To most branches the M-16 is a cool "gun", or a "thing" I shot in boot camp. Umm Negative ALPHA ONE...........Every Marine from Female private Admin 01 to Alpha Male Gysgt Scout Sniper 8541 can drop a man size target at 500yds without even thinking about it. After hundreds of rounds sent down range and what seems like humping hundreds of miles around shitty southern California you are ready to graduate. The men that swore at you, made you cry, made you wish you wear wearing that Air Force Bus driver getup, are now your fathers. And when that Senior Drill Instructor hands you the revered Eagle Globe and Anchor. You are eight feet tall, bullet proof, use the F* word as if it is a noun and a adjetive, you are now a United States Marine. You hug your parents your mom crys, your dad says im proud of you son, your friends are now scared of you, but all you want......all you want it to F* the living daylights out of the first girl you see and then do it again and again. And if her boyfriend says anything, you have a new talent to show him, its called the Marine Corps Martial Arts. Time to head home for 10 days till you back at it again.......and then that is where the fun begins.

Fianlly, here are some anecdotes and some jokes from Adela:

This isn't the full description that the other person's was, but...

Her Air Force description was very good. One thing though, concerning the joke, it probably originated as she said, but people tell it using whatever branches suit them. Ex. a Marine will tell it as the Marine being the one who didn't wash because he didn't pee on himself.

The Air Force is the most well-treated branch, and yes, they are known for being the smart branch who does nothing physical. This is mostly true. When the war in Iraq just started, I saw an officer from another branch (I think it was a Marine) being asked a few questions. When the reporter asked how things were going in general, the Marine officer said, "Oh it's getting really serious. So serious in fact, I saw an Air Force officer going to the gym yesterday."

My dad said that when he went to Guantanamo Bay Cuba with the AF the Navy stayed on their ship, the Army and Marines stayed in tents and he stayed in a 5-star hotel.

The Air Force often uses the Army to do their manual labor - cooking food, cleaning, etc. or they hire civilians. I don't know how unusual it is for an AF person to do such a job, but I do know it's not a bit uncommon for them to hire out.

The Air Force has the shortest (and reputedly easiest) boot camp - only 6 weeks.

So, the AF is the smart branch. Marines and Army are dumb and tough. The Navy is known for being the gay branch.

Navy joke, perhaps not family-friendly enough for your site:
Why did the Navy switch to powdered soap?
It takes longer to pick up.

Oh! On AF fighter pilots being egomaniacs - I've heard the same about all fighter pilots, but I have not personally met one. However:
Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Also:

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

* * * *

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficien! tly impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

* * * *

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour".

* * * *

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

* * * *

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and urinate on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

* * * *

I have a backlog of more to put up, but keep it coming. If you have military experience (first-hand or second-hand) I'd love to hear more jokes and anecdotes (though I doubt anyone can beat Blackfive on military anecdotes - if you never read about his encounter with a French General, do so now). E-mail me with the subject "Military".

Bob from Michigan writes:
I was travelling on business last week and saw a group of people, including one man wearing a shirt that had the flag and a print of the constitution on it.
When they came to a set of stairs, flanked by escalators, one member of the group took the escalator. The guy in the flag shirt said, "What, are you becoming an American now?" (must be implying we're
lazy) But he had a FRENCH accent!
I wanted to grab him by the collar and say, "I'll show you a lazy American, you cheese eating surrender monkey!" and then punch him in the face. But then I realized that I might get blood on Old Glory and the US Constitution!
What's the proper etiquette for punching the French when they're wearing flag shirts? Was the shirt just a French ploy to keep from getting punched?

It's a common French ploy to wear sacred American symbols to keep us from beating them. The easiest solution is to quickly wrap the Frenchman around the torso with a garbage bag and then punch him in the face. That will keep blood from getting on the flag or Constitution while allowing a sound beating.

mt in big D asks:
what evil forces cause the phenomenon known as a brain freeze when i am enjoying a delicious frozen margarita? is there a way we can put a stop to all this senseless pain and suffering?

That pain is from God - who is a Mormon - punishing you for consuming alcohol. Why He singles out margarita drinkers, I don't know; the ways of God are mysterious.

The best way to stop the pain is to drink Guinness instead - the official beer of IMAO.

Mmm... Guinness. It's black - like my heart.

Chase Bradstreet from Hoover, AL. writes:
Safety pinned onto my backpack is a piece of paper with the words "Club Liberals, Not Sandwiches" and a picture of a sandwich with a red circle and line through it. The school administration told me this was "grossly offensive" and ordered me to remove it. Should I continue to sport this slogan and encourage the long-needed cudgeling of liberals everywhere?

You, sir, have the freedom of speech to stand up for, and, more importantly, the freedom of beating those who deserve it. Your school administration is obviously liberals, so beat them. Then eat a sandwich.

Terri from New Orleans writes:
Dearest Frank,
I've recently been hit with a dilemma (and perhaps an inability to spell...):
I'm Creole (which, I suppose, is Black in the rest of the country). I'm Catholic. I'm from New Orleans.
So, logically, I should be anti-semitic, right?
Well, I try. I try really hard. I keep reminding myself that some of Mengele's experiments really were useful for modern medicine. I'm fluent in German. I'm anti-Israel. I eat pork on a daily basis...
but all my friends are Jewish.
Does this make me a hypocrite? Is it wrong to *hate* the group (Jews) and *love* the individuals (like B. Applebaum and G. Stein)? Is it really part of my duty as a Catholic to be anti-semitic? Should my anti-semitism cover all semitic-speaking peoples (including muslims) and discard non semitic-speaking peoples (like Jews who don't speak Hebrew)?
I'm so confused.
I need answers.
And the Pope never answers my e-mails.

I'm sorry the Pope never answer your e-mails; he's a busy guy. In short, you probably shouldn't be anti-Semitic, as we've never figured out how far the Zionist Conspiracy goes. The whole Catholic Church... and maybe even Jesus... could be Zionist Conspirators. Mohammed definitely is. So keep your Jewish friends, and do whatever they tell you. There could be huge consequences otherwise.

Wesley from Halliburton's secret HQ under the Bush family ranch's outhouse (The toilet roll dispenser is used to enter the combination) asks:
To what music is it best to bomb terrorists to?

I always liked "Welcome to the Jungle" because of the "NOW YOU'RE GONNA DIE!!!" line. But, you can't go wrong with classics such as "Ride of the Valkyries". I should make a Bomb Terrorists mix CD. Anyone else have ideas? Put them in the comments.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Just to be clear, the In My World™ yesterday morning was an April Fools joke (as was the one last year). But it could become true if you don't buy my t-shirts and check out my advertisers.

I have two new ones. If you’re thinking of starting your own blog or moving away from the unstable blogspot, check out Fusion Rays. Also, there's an organization of Bush supporters meeting up the 2nd Tuesday of every month (and if you don't support Bush, I'll punch you). Plus, the babe who wants peace through superior firepower is back. I used to hate the hippy peace symbol, but now I like stealing it.

So check out my advertisers and buy my t-shirts... or next time it won't be a joke. Really!

Some jokesters have put me on a number of left-wing mailing lists (as a progressive, environmentalist lesbian, why I am I so concerned about keeping my abortion rights?), and I've never bothered to unsubscribe because it gives me free material. Today, I got an e-mail from the official John Kerry for President website with an attempt at humor. Take a look-see:

Subject: April Fools! Bush Tries to Outsource the Deficit

Bush Tries To Outsource the Deficit

April 1, 2004

Washington, DC -- The White House announced today that President Bush will be sending legislation to Congress to outsource the deficit.

"Outsourcing is the solution to all of America's problems," said President Bush. "If it worked for Andersen and McKinsey, it works for me."

Bush's announcement is a dramatic extension of the Administration's growing support for offshore outsourcing, an increasing trend that has moved hundreds of thousands of jobs in manufacturing and service sectors from the U.S. to lower wage countries.

* In December, the Commerce Department hosted workshops at the 2003 Economic and Trade Conference to train American companies in outsourcing and to specifically encourage the exportation of jobs to China.

* In February, the President's Chief Economic Advisor said the "movement of U.S. factory jobs and white-collar work to other countries [is a] positive transformation."

* On an official trip to India in March, Secretary of State Colin Powell promised that the Administration would continue to support the outsourcing of American jobs.

Bush also explained why the world must take responsibility for America's deficit. "Why should every kid born in America be stuck with $35,000 in debt -- when we can just outsource it and stick it to every kid on the planet?"

President Bush also indicated that outsourcing the deficit could help support multilateral cooperation in the war on terror. "And make sure that other countries pick up the tab for the war on terror -- that's multilateral cooperation for ya'!"

President Bush's new plan flies in the face of Democrats' criticisms that providing economic incentives for companies to outsource risks America's prospects for economic recovery.

John Kerry, the Democratic candidate for president, responded strongly to Bush's proposal: "Five years, not four, at Andover, and then Yale and Harvard and he still can't balance the budget? Pigs will have wings before this plan passes the Congress. Come November, let's outsource George W. Bush instead."

April Fools! [Ed. Note: This is in really big letters]

These are not actual Bush quotes. Like Bush's economic plan, this email is just a joke.

George W. Bush takes the American people for fools. Let's show him we know better -- send this email to five friends now.

And don't forget the best way to show the Republicans we mean business: give $25 now.
https://contribute.johnkerry.com

Thanks for your support,

John Kerry for President

First thing, notice how it makes clear it's an April Fools joke in both the subject line and in big letters at the end. Also, the whole thing is just regular anti-Bush disatribe with a few half-hearted attempts at jokes thrown in just so they can say it's an April Fools theme. That all together makes me think that they assume the Democrat base this will appeal to is nigh-retarded and humorless.

Hell, I guess it might be an effective e-mailing.

When I asked for more jokes and descriptions of military branches, I got a ton of responses. I'll print some today and more later.

Ryan writes this about the Navy:

For the Navy, our common stereotypes include:

Submariners:

- called bubbleheads

- are deathly afraid of women (hence no women on submarines)

- wear sneakers instead of uniform shoes

- are deathly afraid of any loud noise

- listen to whales for fun

SEALs:

- are maniacs that like to kill people

- can only talk about killin’, drinkin’ and “the mission”

- all live on Coronado island

Aviators:

- wear brown shoes, and thus think they are cool

- wear flight suits, and thus think they are cool

- wear dark sunglasses, and thus… yeah, see above

- have to get 6 hours of sleep between operations

- get to drive Nuclear Carriers later on, and in general suck very much at driving the carriers

For submarines, a post I found on military.com:

For all you non-quals out there, here's a short primer on submarine life. enjoy.

Obtain a dumpster. Paint it black, weld all the covers shut except one which can be bolted closed from the inside. Hitch it to the back of your wife's mini van. Gather 12 friends and bolt yourselves inside and let your wife pull it around for several weeks while she does the errands.

Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife whip open the curtain. shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack".

Don't eat any food that you don't get out of a can or have to add water to.

Paint all the windows on your car black. Drive around town at high speeds with your wife standing up in the sunroof shouting course and speed directions to you.

Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while soaping.

Repeat back everything anyone says to you.

Sit in your car for six hours a day with your hands on the wheel and the motor running, but don't go anywhere.

Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to "High".

Don't watch T.V. except movies in the middle of the night. Also, have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one. Record The Sound of Music and show it at least every other night.

Don't do your wash at home. Gather your neighbors clothes along with yours, pick the most crowded laundromat you can find, and do the neighborhood laundry in a single washer and dryer. Make sure that 12% of the laundry is lost and 20% of the finished laundry is incorrectly distributed to the wrong neighbor.

Leave lawnmower running in your living room six hours a day for proper noise level. (For Engineering Divisions)

Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.

Sleep with your dirty laundry.

Invite guests, but don't have enough food for them.

Buy a broken exercise bicycle and strap it down to the floor in your kitchen.

Buy a trash compactor and use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.

Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread, if anything. (Optional--canned ravioli, cold soup, or beanie wienies)

Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator.

Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then run out into your yard and break out the garden hose.

Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back together.

Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.

Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit for a couple of months.

Store your eggs in your garage for two months and then cook a dozen each morning.

Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.

Periodically check your refrigerator compressor for "sound shorts".

Put a complicated lock on your basement door and wear the key on a lanyard around your neck.

Lockwire the lugnuts on your car.

When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking. Then spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top.

Every so often, yell "Emergency Deep", run into the kitchen, and sweep all pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor. Then, yell at your wife for not having the place "stowed for sea".

Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular) "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in particular) "Stove secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.

Write a controlled work package to change the oil on your car.

punslinger writes:

Most civilians don't realize how much the standards have been weakened over the last 40 years.

I was in the Navy from 1969 to 1976. At that time you had to be six foot tall to join the Coast Guard.

That's so if your boat sank, you could walk to shore.

Allyn writes:

I am a West Point graduate and did 12 years in the Army, so I know of what I speak ….

We had a saying in the Army that you could get along with the Marines because they were hard core, knew they were hard core, and acted hard core. You could get along with other Army guys because we had it rough (not as hard core as the Marines mind you), knew we had it rough , and acted as if we had it rough . You could get along with the Air Farce (your previous poster talked about a Rivalry, maybe the Air Force considers us a rival, but that is not true in the reverse) because they were in a country club, knew they were in a country club, and acted like they were in a country club. But you could not get along with anyone from the Navy because they were in a country club, thought they had it rough, and acted as if they were hard core.

The example we loved to give was how the services acted during Gulf War I. In the unit I was with, we literally had so little water that we did not get to shower for 32 days straight, instead using a 5 gallon jug a day for 40 men to take whore baths (that is where you wet a rag and scrub your pits and other bits). We slept 20 plus to a tent which was often not even deployed because we hit our next area without enough time to set it up causing us to tie our shelter halves to our vehicles and making improvised lean-tos. We ate only MREs for over 30 days, we put socks around our water bottles, then urinated on them and let the evaporation cool the bottles so the water was not too hot to drink. The marines we met up with had it worse. The Air Force Forward Observer with us who called in air strikes was living in an air conditioned van. The Navy on the other hand, well the Navy was reported in Stars and Stripes as filing grievances with their superiors because the soda fountain on the carrier ran out of carbonation so the drinks were flat. Yes, that really was news reported in the Stars and Stripes, you can only imagine how well it went over with us on the ground.

You gotta love people who know who they are and act accordingly, you can only pity those who are that self delusional.

I know a number of Navy guys who would probably take offense to that.

Anyway, I wouldn't dare speak againt John Kerry's service record having absolutely no record of my own, so I'll let RockyNoggin do it:

OK, Frank J., I want to lay something out that nobody has said because they don't want to hurt feelings.

First, let me say, I'm an Army veteran of the Cold War so I never got shot at or fired a shot at a commie - although I prayed day in and day out for the chance...
otherwise, what's the point of being in the Army?

Second, I respect anyone who served in any branch - they all suck in their own way and we all got/get paid the same no matter what branch.

JFKerry was a squid, OK? He wasn't an Infantry soldier or a Marine or anything bad assed. He rode around in the water in a lil' boat taking shots at villagers on the banks of the river. Sure, it was dangerous work (sometimes the villagers shot back), but it wasn't like that guy was in the bush. His camp is showing pictures of him in OD's, holding an M16 in the jungle - that was probably some hero bullsh*t he had a buddy take.

So, not to diminish the service of any vet, of any branch, but let's be real. Kerry was looking for light duty and he served 4 months of a 12 month tour.
If that guy had gotten shot the f*ug up like your boy Bob Dole (a REAL American hero) then OK, I'd show some respect. But hell, I coulda done what Kerry did - sheez, my wife coulda done what Kerry did.

I know you can find military jokes easily on the web, but what I'm looking for are more personal descriptions and what are the jokes and stereotypes people in the military encounter most often. See that first post for what I'm looking for. Keep e-mailing more to me with the subject "Military".

Barney, President Bush's little Scotty dog, scampered across the floor of the White House, pushing a ball with his nose. Eventually, his ball rolled to the feet of another dog, a large rottweiler who seized the ball and swallowed it.

"Yipe! Yipe!" Barney said in protest.

This seemed to make the rottweiler angry.

Very angry.

* * * *

President Bush sat at his desk in the Oval Office and started to get a little bored. "Barney! Come here boy!" he called out to get a little distraction.

There was no response.

"Come here, Barney!" Bush tried again, "Where are you, boy?"

He soon heard footsteps coming his way. Entering the Oval Office was little Barney.

"There you are," Bush said.

"Yipe! Yipe!" Barney answered.

Bush saw something peculiar on Barney and slowly approached him. "What's that on your mouth? Is it... blood?"

"Yipe! Yipe!" Barney said as Bush looked out in the hallway. Bush quickly turned away from the scene.

"You ripped out Chomps's throat!" Bush yelled at Barney, "Bad dog!"

"Yipe! Yipe!" Barney said in his defense as he wagged his tail.

"Mr. President, I have a matter to discuss with you," Rumsfeld said as he walked down the hallway, "It's about... Oh Dear Lord!" Rumsfeld knelt before Chomps. "What happened to my beautiful dog?"

"Apparently he did something that made Barney angry," Bush said, "I'm sorry."

Hearing the commotion, Laura Bush, Condi, Cheney, and Scott McClellan came running. All gasped at what they saw.

"How could such a thing happen?" Rumsfeld sobbed.

"Somehow, I get the feeling this could have been avoided if more people had clicked on the ads of some website and bought its t-shirts," Bush pondered aloud, "but it's too late now. Nothing can bring Chomps back."

"Yipe! Yipe!" Barney said in agreement and then pushed a little ball across the hallway with his nose.

"This is it for me," Rumsfeld said, "I just can't be an angry warmonger anymore."

"It puts everything in perspective," Bush stated, "I don't think I like all this warring either. I don't even want to be president again. I think it's time to finally pursue my dream."

"Become a fry cook?" Laura asked.

"Exactly."

"I guess I never really liked war myself," Rumsfeld said, wiping away his tears, "What I really want to do is teach basketball to inner-city youths."

"I'm tired of being a shill for Halliburton," Cheney announced, "I'm going back to my old job: strip-club DJ."

"And I don't think I've been militant enough," Condi stated, "So I'm going to join the new Black Panthers."

"And I guess you'll be a librarian again," Bush said to his wife.

"Actually, supervillian," Laura answered, "I already had one run-in with Batman, and I think I learned enough from it to defeat him next time."

"Good for you, honey," Bush told her, and then looked to Scott. "You're always so quiet and mysterious; what are your plans?"

"I'm going to be an undercover cop who doesn't play by the rules," Scott stated.

"Sounds about right," Bush said, and everyone nodded in agreement. "I think we all learned a lot about ourselves today," Bush continued, "I'm just sorry it took the death of Chomps to make it happen. Now, let's throw his body in the dumpster out back and then have a group hug."

There was little left to say, but Barney said it anyway. "Yipe! Yipe!"