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Monday, September 22nd, 2003
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9:04 pm - i try to behave, but it eats me alive.
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so, i call ![[info]](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20050211143550im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) mindsuckr to tell him that plans seem to be falling through for the day [i wish they hadn't], when he gives me some surprising news: he's being offered a managerial position at a store in youngstown. youngstown isn't nearly as far away as zanesville [zanesville: 2+ hrs, youngstown: 45 min. from akron] so maybe suicidal_decay will be able to move into his new apartment up there with him. when he gets one, that is. that way he won't be lonely.
he'll have a better, well-paying job, & his best friend to come home to. plus youngstown isn't as culturally devoid as zanesville, so there'll be better places to go to spend his free time than the local bp or super k. he'll meet fun & interesting new people at work & around town.
now, this all sounds like a lovely future for him, but..
[of course there's always a "but," i'm a selfish whore who can never be entirely happy for anyone else without my own issues coming into play. blahblahblah; whine, whine, whine.]
but where do i fit into this? do i fit into it?
do i have an option? [no elicia, shut up.]
& to think we just had such a nice night out together recently.
well, there never were any guarantees. we'll see how this plays out.
current mood:  distressed
current music: radiohead-how to disappear completely
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(48 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
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| Saturday, September 20th, 2003
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3:37 pm - i don't really care what gentlemen prefer.
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so, last night i went to an "all guys" party. [mind you, i'm not a boy.. i'm just not a girl either] since i'm not a whiny girly girl & i typically get along best with bois, it was a good party.
it started out with just a few people, but eventually more & more were invited. 5 or 6 more girls showed up -- & it was creepy 'cause they used to stalk my ex-boyfriend ryan hyde while we were still going out. heh. i was polite anyway.
i had fun jumping on the huge trampoline, swinging on a rope swing, & watching all the silly drunks stumbly-bumbling around. it was a good time, until someone pointed out that legg had drank way too much. kevin & i played nurse for a long time as he vomited all over the place. we had to keep him upright so he wouldn't choke, 'cause he couldn't speak right, chew, swallow, or sit or stand up on his own. i was afraid he'd go to sleep & choke on his own vomit [like a rock star].
see -- i have a heart!
tonight i'm going with jen & her boyfriend chris to see underworld. mindsuckr might join us [i hope]. i'm not sure what else the day holds, but i'm not in a very happy mood.. so it had better be good.
current mood:  bitchy
current music: the damned-shut it
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(9 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
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| Thursday, September 11th, 2003
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9:34 pm - this is how one makes fish cakes. [FISH CAKES!]
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little music-related things are making me happy today. :)
. . . ![[info]](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20050211143550im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) baucaholic_anon for one thing.
also: and_remains, because she is sweet! -feel better, lelly-
hopefully i'll be getting some lovely siouxsie & bauhaus merch sometime soon-ish. i just have to get my ass down to a store that can set me up with a money order, since the bastards at angry, young, & poor don't take paypal. ahhh! confusion & delays! everyone should just accept paypal because i'm a lazy girl who is easily confused & slowed down.
poison was unable to drive up for a visit today. what a shame. i miss her.. we'll have to re-schedule soon. i'm horrible at keeping/making plans, though. we'll see how it goes. hopefully i'll see her sometime this week, if not tomorrow.
i have a lot of things going wrong for me right now, but i should try to remember things that make me happy. so, one of the things i'm mainly focusing on is my trip to new york city. YAY! NYC! that's in april, & only for a couple of days, but i'm still really excited to see everything out there & roam among the crowd.
. . .
// & if you hadn't already thought of it: all you baucaholics [bauhaus fans] out there better join baucaholic_anon or you'll be on the receiving end of a swift "kick in the eye!" //
current mood:  silly
current music: bauhaus-hair of the dog
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(23 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
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| Sunday, September 7th, 2003
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2:03 am - keep my head up
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things are falling into place. a plot is coming into shape.
so far, i like where all of this is heading. i just need to make sure i dedicate all the effort i can into keeping everything on track. i have to get my shit together, & keep it that way. simplify, simplify, prepare for that moment.
i've got a way out, & i fully intend to take advantage of that.
[when the opportunity presents itself, i'm gone_gone_gone]
here's hoping i don't bruise too much along the way.
current mood: my chest feels tight
current music: some sampler cd mix
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(12 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
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| Wednesday, September 3rd, 2003
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5:08 pm - forget me not, or i'll forget myself
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a chunk of something eric sent to tommy:
( the good/bad news )
i don't know what to do, or think.
i'm just afraid. very afraid.
i know this is a big opportunity for him, & in that respect i'm glad. i don't want to hold him back, but i don't want to be left behind &/or forgotten. it's completely out of my hands, & i wouldn't dream of telling him to stay where he is just so he can have his tiny chunk of limited time with me. from a business aspect, it hardly seems worth it. we hardly see each other. i'm just a ball & chain attached to his leg.
this just makes everything harder & more hopeless.
current mood:  scared
current music: rozz williams-flowers
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(34 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
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| Tuesday, September 2nd, 2003
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3:43 pm - n'sync, basement jaxx, & ... siouxsie?
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| Monday, September 1st, 2003
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5:13 pm - runs with scalpels; that crazy girl.
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...
"i had better watch you, or you will start ending emails with 'love and ROCKETS, elicia'.
'p.s. i hope you find a (bau)house of your own soon'
'maybe you could ask the SISTERS OF MERCY to take you in except you don't like christians and i don't think nuns would like a guy living in their... KOVENANT.'"
...
stolen from turkeytoenails:
imagine if you could like, pray online, in like, a chatroom?
"you have entered forgivness room 11828394053484"
jesus: sup?
you: nmh, j00?
jesus: chillin liek a villin
"satan has entered room"
satan: stfu, j00 fskn' n00b, kthxbai
jesus: w0t?
you: wutz his problem?!111!!
jesus: idk
current mood:  amused
current music: flesh eaters-see you in the boneyard
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(18 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
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| Tuesday, August 26th, 2003
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8:40 pm - you should put me in a home, or you should put me down.
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ahhhhh fuck.
so, i no longer have my pretty hair. i've been trying to cope with the loss of it all day. i can't escape the fact that i've hardly got any hair left & i look like an androgynous troll. my moods are swinging back & forth like crazy. sometimes i'm really PISSED OFF, & sometimes i'm just bawling in hysterics like any typical drama queen.
it's bad to the point that i'd rather stay home all the time now. be a hermit, so no one will see me like this. i'd rather be "vacationing" in a psych ward with all the other crazies [at least i can take comfort in knowing something is wrong with them too] than out in public being stared at for all the wrong reasons.
i just hope that this is appreciated.
i hope it wasn't all in vain.
i guess i'll just be wearing my hood up a lot, or wearing a hat. i guess i'm going to have to go with the "dirty, ugly, dead punk skank" girl look for now. fooking 'ell. anyone have any advice on how to make yourself look ugly in a fashionable way? i am fashion dirt, after all.
don't let me fall apart.
current mood:  crushed
current music: the phantom limbs-somebody twisted your arm
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(81 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
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| Saturday, August 23rd, 2003
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1:29 am - we suck young blood.
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mohawk pictures, as promised. [although late]
( are you hungry? )
you must be warned: there are several shots behind the cut. some of it up [i have no make up on, & the back drop is an orange & white striped beach towel, not an american flag!], a few of it down [make up included], & some of poison & i. once again, shitty cam with a contrast problem. i'm not trying to be a dramawhore, but if you don't turn your head in obnoxious angles your facial features tend not to show.
current mood: fashion dirt
current music: the gloaming [in my head]
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(90 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
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| Tuesday, August 19th, 2003
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1:03 am - we want the young blood.
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just checking in to spout about my new hair!
finally had missmurder cut my 'hawk for me, & it is mega-cute! [or so i think] i don't have pictures of it yet, because we were in a rush. this is just a warning that i'll be posting some relatively soon. probably posting them on thursday, or friday. then i'll have something to show for my mohawk love, finally.
i love my mohawk.
i may keep it for a very very long time.
my boyfriend hates it. >:/ i wish he'd calm down.
current mood:  ecstatic
current music: alien sex fiend-she's a killer
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(40 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
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| Friday, August 15th, 2003
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5:03 pm - i find it kind of funny, i find it kind of sad.
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drag him out the window, dragging out your dead. singing i miss you. snakes and ladders. flip the lid, out pops the cracker.
x[SMACKS YOU IN THE HEAD/KNIFES YOU IN THE NECK/KICKS YOU IN THE TEETH/STEEL TOE CAPS/TAKES ALL YOUR CREDIT CARDS]x
STEP UP..
get the gunge
get the eggs
get the flan in the face
the flan in the face
the flan in the face
dance you fucker, dance you fucker..
.don't.you.DARE. .don't.you.DARE. don't you--flan in the face.
>>>take it with the love its given//take it with a pinch of salt<<<
take it to the taxman.
LET ME BACK, LET ME BACK! I PROMISE TO BE GOOD!
..don't look in the mirror
at the face you don't recognize..
help me call the doctor
..put me inside..
..put me inside..
..put me inside..
..put me inside..
..put me inside..
are you begging for a b r e a k?
xoxo
love you,
accident | waiting | to | happen
[it girl. rag doll.]
current mood: a walking disaster
current music: any guesses?
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(25 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
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| Thursday, August 14th, 2003
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11:13 pm - take a look at who you arrrrrrre, it's pretty scary.
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interesting day, i'll say that.
i felt really shitty in the morning, but it passed as the day went on.
i haven't cut the 'hawk yet. missmurder is going to do that for me, so i have to wait until we both are free. but, today i did put up the hair that would be my mohawk, & i got REALLY excited! it rocked!! or at least it didn't look like shit, & that's enough of a green light for me. now i can't wait to get choppin'. missmurder has a webcam, so you all can look forward to seeing pics of my new hair up soon. :D
in other news.. [i am adam sandler! *smirk*]
but really.. after putting the hair up i took a shower, & something funny happened. right after i got out of the shower, the power went out! no lights! no refrigerated food! NO AIR CONDITIONER! ahhh! it was ok for a bit, but eventually it got really hot & stuffy. ended up going out to eat, & driving around for awhile.
when i got home it was pitch black. i had a strong flashlight though, so it didn't matter. i pulled all of my non-decorational candles out of the closet & read by candle light for awhile. i was hoping it would make me tired so i could fall asleep. no such luck.
eventually i ended up sprawled out on my bed, naked, looking like someone had hit me with a truck, & trying not to touch any of my limbs together because it was SO hot. hahaha. what a sight!
& now the power is back. thank GOD!
current mood:  excited
current music: the triumphant return of the air conditioner!
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(44 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
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| Wednesday, August 13th, 2003
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8:37 pm - "come & bite on this ragdoll, baby!"
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plans for today fell through. big surprise.
i've been incredibly lazy, probably because of plans falling through. sat around the house for the majority of the day, never got dressed, & didn't even draw on my eyebrows!
i'm in a bit of a slump.
someone insert a steel-toed boot into my arse, please.
as soon as i finish up here, i'm going to put up my mohawk line as a test to see what it will look like when i actually cut it. hopefully it won't be too ugly. that would spoil all my 'hawk dreams. i think the whole 'hawk idea has been what's been keeping me happy the last few days, so i hope it doesn't disappoint me in the end.
"our dreams are guillotines waiting to fall."
Gitane Demone! of Pompeii 99 + Christian Death!
Which Original Deathrock Diva Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
& here's an amusing link for all you zombie lovers.
current mood:  lazy
current music: siouxsie & the banshees-shadowtime
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(26 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
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| Friday, August 8th, 2003
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4:57 pm - a [hot] 'hawk debate!
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heeh.
( i am lelly )
...
sometimes i consider chopping off quite a lot of my hair. it is "pretty" long, but that is a LOT of maintenance + it's very hot 'cause it's thick + it gets in the way often. my hair is sort of short right now. :/ sometimes i really want a mohawk. i'm not sure if i could pull it off, though. i think my features might be too manly for a 'hawk. hmm. i dunno. my friend jen has a 'hawk, & it looks really pretty on her. what if i kept my pointed bangs, & left a little bit of hair on the sides? or maybe just keep the bangs? if i had a 'hawk, i'd want it to look something like roland[of the tom's diner deathrock rats]'s. you've all seen me. now, what do you think?
[this question is mostly aimed at lelly, & others with 'hawks]
of course, this is all under the assumption that i would let my hair grow out for awhile first, so i would actually have hair to put up.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: einsturzende neubauten-z.n.s.
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(32 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
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| Thursday, July 31st, 2003
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1:20 pm - i leave you with photographs, pictures of trickery
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here, as promised, are the pictures of my new bangs.
i must make a public disclaimer: the shots all have a lot of contrast in them because they were taken with my friend's web cam, & in their basement the light for the room makes it nearly impossible to see your facial features because it is so bright. i had to have sarah hold a piece of paper over my head the entire time.
( just pull on your hair just pull on your pout )
current mood:  indifferent
current music: the cure-fascination street
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(148 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
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| Saturday, July 26th, 2003
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4:59 pm - her hair's blacker than bettie page
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going out, after 3 days of no human contact!
.x.//she's got the love, she's got the rage\\.x.
party at jen's house.
i'm going to crash there, then leave to crash at julia & sarah's place. hopefully while i am there, they'll cut my new bangs for me. i'll try to get some cam shots up if it happens.
i should just keep a bag packed, all the time!
...anyone want a visitor? ;P
i've still got some preening & packing to do.
[so take out the whips, & open the crypts]
current mood:  predatory
current music: bile-double fang
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(18 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
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| Wednesday, July 23rd, 2003
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7:42 pm - get me deliverance .. deliver me
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ok.
it's obvious i need some help.
really, i need some work.
looked at eric's journal entry & now i just feel sick.
i
am
overweight.
end of story!
..& so now i must exercise/eat less. :/
i'm really bad at both of those. [wish me luck]
also taking into consideration that i feel quite boring these days. looked at his silly quiz result cartoon character & realized i can't look anywhere near as extreme & have a job. fuck. i feel watered down & bland in comparison. there are a lot of things i'd like to do, that i can't. [i love/envy death rock kids with good jobs]
being poor & with out a lot of the music you want to own/need to hear is a really frustrating combination. i'm not as lucky as everyone else that has a fast computer that'll download, & a cd burner. i can't hear music in that way, so i actually have to go out & buy anything i need. because i'm so poor, i miss out on a lot of good bands/cds!
a little help, someone?
current mood: inferior, sad.
current music: mission uk-deliverance
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(47 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
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6:20 pm - such a dirty dirty rock star, yeah.
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ozzfest yesterday.
free pavilion = lovely view, no mud.
[also no mosh pit, though :\]
regardless, i still came home damaged from excessive slam-dancing in the rows during manson's set. [only good band i saw] eric got just as into it as i was, & seemed to forget that all his fellow work associates were sitting on both sides of us. i think he shocked them, since he's usually so stern & businesslike on the job.
you know that person [or persons] you always seem to see at concerts? the people that are way too into the songs to be aware of what they look like? that was us. :D
hmmm. supposedly cradle of filth put on a good stage show, but i missed their set. we were too busy walking around looking at the merchandise stands. they didn't really have anything i wanted. everything was bland, or looked like you could buy it somewhere else for a much cheaper price. eric did find a pretty black vinyl bondage bracelet, though.
...
if anyone asks about my scratches,
i was "slapped in the neck by a tree branch!"
other than that, the rest of the "damage" is covered up.
i'm made to heal.
current mood: bloody & sore
current music: marilyn manson-the reflecting god
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(26 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
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| Tuesday, July 22nd, 2003
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12:17 am - come on over & shoot the shit.
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interesting day.
there has been a lot happening, but all i want to remember is the storm.
sarah, mike, & i all abandoned the party scene for a romp through the rain. we ran all around & spun in circles until we fell to the ground. we huddled together for warmth once we began to actually feel how cold the rain was. it wasn't too long before we felt guilty [about possibly ruining furniture] & returned inside to towel off.
..later..
the rain started to really pick up, so the 3 of us ran outside again for another rain rampage. this was a lot more fun, because we didn't care how wet we became, at all. we had such fun as rolling down slanted driveways, skipping down the middle of the road, "swimming" in the gutter, & sitting in the puddle a man hole created. all of us were soaked to the skin, so of course we had to huddle together for warmth yet again, until we were able to get ahold of some towels.
not much else to report, except that i MISSED ryan! i missed his visit! he called me 3 times when i wasn't home, & i didn't get the message until he was GONE! [if you can't tell, i'm really sad & upset about that]
also: i'm going to ozzfest tomorrow. free ticket: pavilion!
no money for food, though. looks like i'm going to faint.
oh well.
current mood: anxious
current music: nirvana-aneuriysm
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(17 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
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| Sunday, July 20th, 2003
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5:40 pm - are you strung up by the wrists?
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so, cleaning up & going out. finally!
i'll be seeing the ever-lovely julia as well as others. too bad eric is at work interviewing people. seems like he's missing out on some fun! ;P
it's been awhile [well, maybe 2 or 3 days!] since i've done anything with a big group. i like that sort of happy, chaotic atmosphere. luckily enough, my friend jen is having a party this saturday!
i love making plans.
i need to go out more,
because it gives me motivation to dress up.
i think i could use some motivation in general.
current mood:  horny
current music: wumpcut remixes [good sex beat to the songs]
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(35 with words like violence | : break the silence :)
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surprised