It's Kind of a Big Deal

A few weeks ago I was reading an article in USA Today about a survey conducted by the Sesame Street Workshop organization.  As I have a vested interest in Sesame Street by the virtue of parking my two children in front of their program pretty much non-stop for the bulk of their pre-school years. (Don't judge me). In my defense, moms in the 1970's were brainwashed into thinking that Mr. Rogers, the Electric Company crew and the cast of Sesame Street would turn our uneducated 3 year olds into reading and spelling prodigies. Who knows??...  Maybe my children's later successes are in large part due to the efforts of Big Bird.  Sadly, I never sent him a thank you note.  Bad manners on my part I suspect. Regret is an evil emotion.

Well...Back to the subject of the survey.  Sesame Street is now in it's 47th year and tackling the subject of kindness with an emphasis on empathy. According to the article both teachers and parents are worried that today's kids are growing up in an unkind, unempathetic world. Sesame Street creators are going to try to enlighten the little heathens among us by teaching them  how to recognize kindness, emulate it and  how they might look at something from another person's point of view.

I have to think that this is a complicated mission.  The survey included the opinions of  2000 parents and 500 teachers and there seemed to be a lot of confusion between those surveyed as to what is constitutes kindness. Kindness means different things to different people. There is a lot of gray area between using good manners and truly possessing a generous spirit toward others.   If this  murky, undefined  concept of "what exactly constitutes kindness?" wasn't enough of a hurdle for their survey, there were many that questioned "what is the difference between empathy and sympathy?"

After the survey result were in, Jeffery D. Dunn, the CEO of Sesame Workshop said "This survey confirms our concerns. It is time for a national conversation about kindness."

Jennifer Kotler Clark, a researcher at Sesame Workshop said both parents and teachers overwhelmingly felt that being kind was more important than being academically successful. (Note: Hey kids...try using that line on your parents when you get a bad grade.  "Sure I got a D in Algebra but I sure treat my fellow classmates with the utmost respect.")


Kotler Clark went on to say that during the survey they substituted words to represent kindness including empathy, helpfulness, thoughtfulness, politeness, and manners.  When asked which is more important manners or empathy, 58 percent of the parents said manners. Katler Clark suggested that maybe parents assume if a child is mannerly that they are also empathetic. Not so fast, she cautioned.  Bullies are great at using good manners around adults.

While  the parents thought that manners were more important than empathy,  63 percent of the  teachers  ranked empathy as more important than manners.  Only 30 percent of the teachers said that parents are raising their children with values consistent with their teachers.  OUCH!!  Fifty percent of the teachers surveyed said they felt that being kind is not a top priority.  (Did they mean from the perspective of the children, the parents or themselves?  Hey teachers!...use complete sentences.)

According to the article, research has proven that self-regulation, and pro-social behaviors in children are a predictor for future health, financial stability, and academic success.  Supposedly, kids not only need to see and recognize examples of these types of behaviors but they need to practice them.

Rosemary Truglio said that this year Sesame Street is making kindness a top priority. She said they want to make it more explicit. (I am assuming she means that in a good way.) The show wants to get beyond the niceness of manners. (Although....let's not gloss over that too much...manners matter.)


So what's your thoughts, readers?  Is empathy being taken over by narcissism?  Are children not seeing and recognizing behaviors that teach them to be kind?  Collectively, are we becoming a civilization of  people that choose not to care how others feel?

What Did You Say?

While having breakfast the other morning with new neighbor/new friend, she mentioned that while playing Bunco with a group of women recently, one of the Bunco players asked her point blank "How old are you, anyway?"

Even given the fact it was a "none of your business"  type of question,  my friend  gave a truthful answer.  To which the women responded "That's not SO old." 

HMMM...would I have answered the initial question?  Maybe... maybe not. Maybe I would of added 15 years to my real age, just to hear "You look really good for your age."  But then what if they said, "Yeah, that's what I would have guessed.  OR...maybe I would of told the truth as she did.  Ultimately, though,  I don't think a co-Bunco player needs my vital statistics.  Really, is it any of her business? Besides the addition of the words "anyway" and "so" gives a certain "judgey" quality to both her question and her response.  


Later that same day, Hubby and I were in a chain restaurant, eavesdropping on the table next to ours.  (Full disclosure: the b**** was being really loud and hard to "not" hear)  The manager was going from table to table asking everyone how their meal was and asking if patrons needed anything.  The loud lady said she needed honey butter.  The manager told her they didn't have honey butter but he could bring her both honey and butter.  She responded by saying. "You do that!  You don't look like you're doing much."

Seriously, was it necessary to add that extra tad of snottiness?  Was she trying to be funny?

Frankly, I wish I could haul my fictional cartoon alter-ego around with me and have her speak the unspoken comments that pop into my brain when I am confronted with either rude comments or rude behavior. It turns out my brain is very outspoken even if I am not.The part of my brain that IS Crabby Pants, probably needs some behavioral classes....something akin to puppy training classes for the brain.  Anyway as I was saying,  I don't have it in me to ACTUALLY  get into someone's face and call them out for a rude comment or some bone-head behavior.  

I suspect most of us have a daily encounter with some inconsiderate cell phone user or a driver that needs his license ceremoniously torched but as far as someone verbally insulting me such as the restaurant manager had been, it hasn't been a huge problem.  How would I handle an out right insult?...I might be be a sad, sulky mess or shrug it off if I thought the person that insulted me was an idiot.  Would I reciprocate in kind?  Probably not.  

I guess most people's capacity for rebounding with a "in-your-face" comment is  somewhat tied to their age, upbringing and generally if their personality is more extroverted or more introverted. 

 I have certainly become more extroverted as I have gotten older but the remnants of my upbringing play a part in how I handle confrontation. My childhood consisted  of living in the South (formerly the bastion of good manners) by very strict grandparents, then moving North to live with my dad who was a product of those same grandparents.  All the  "yes ma'ams and "no sirs'  began to sound out of place.  (Or maybe it was the thick southern drawl that sounded out of place.)  Still the years of "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."  or "treat people as you want to be treated" were firmly implanted within my being. There is still a part of me that feels the

need to say "yes ma'am and "no sir".

Sooo...when I occasionally have had my feelings stomped into the ground by some rude comment or irritated by some thoughtless  action, my mind imagines what Crabby Pants would say. However,  Cheryl P. brushes the dust off and tries to deflect the hurt  or irritation with either humor, distance or obscene hand gestures.  JUST KIDDING!!!

Up to this point in time, I haven't boiled over and gone Crazy Pants on anyone.  I am not above thinking that a rude comment deserves a rude come back, but the voices of my childhood are  hanging on for dear life whispering  "if you can't say something nice just keep your mouth shut. At some point I may choose to ignore those voices and lay into someone. 

HOWEVER...Rationally, I recognize that society has changed as far as "old school" manners. What was once considered rude versus what is considered rude today, has evolved.   I a pretty sure that any person that followed Emily Post's original book to a tee, would come across as a freak show.  

Just to illustrate the point....Let's take a look at the right way to greet someone according to Emily.

 Chapter III - Greetings - What to Say When Introduced.

As explained in the foregoing chapter, the correct formal greeting is: "How do you do?"  If Mrs. Younger is presented to Mrs. Worldly, Mrs. Worldly says “How do you do?” If the Ambassador of France is presented to her, she says “How do you do?” Mrs. Younger and the Ambassador likewise say “How do you do?” or merely bow.

I doubt that the bowing would go unnoticed but then I suppose the odds of me being introduced to the Ambassador of France are fairly remote.  Emily ran in a different circle than I do.  Let's assume for the sake of argument, that Emily would be appalled at someone saying "How's it goin'? Would she roll over in her grave if she heard someone say "How's it hangin'?. Just think of how she would of reacted IF someone would of left a nasty comment  on her blog (surely she would of had a blog if there would have been computers in 1922!!!) You have to know that there would be anonymous commenters calling her bad names and telling her she didn't know s***.

OK, we can agree that things needed to relax a bit since Emily's time,  but has the pendulum swung too far the other way?  Going back to the nosy Bunco player, I guess my friend should be lucky she wasn't asked how much her house cost, what her sex life is like and how much she weighs.  
Crabby Pants would have some comebacks.