The First Senior Moment

Renee, a friend and co-worker, sent me this one via email the other day; I thought it was too darned funny - and probably accurate - not to share!

On the Whole When It Comes to New England, I'm Less Than Some and More Than Others

Recently the undisputed king of all magazines in New England, Yankee, had an article entitled "How New England Are You? 75 Things Every New Englander Should Do" by Ian Aldrich.  Even though I was raised an Air Force brat and called a good number of other states home before I settled down in Connecticut for good back in 1986, I have always considered myself to be a New Englander so I decided to take a gander at the list and see where I stood amongst my northern peers.  All things considered I think I did okay ... perhaps some of my other New England friends might agree?

Know the Pain That Came With Being a Red Sox Fan Pre-2004
It hasn't always been about pink hats and multiple World Series titles, folks. Johnny Pesky holding the ball ... Bill Buckner and Game 6 ... Bucky Dent in '78 ... and Aaron Bleeping Boone. 'Nuff said, right?  (And this doesn't even cover the '75 World Series when the BoSox first broke my heart against the Cincinnati Reds while I was still a teenager!)

Talk About the Big Storms Like an Old-Timer
The Blizzard of '78:  Winds as high as 100 mph were recorded, and that snow--55 inches of the stuff in some parts. (Yep, it were a bad 'un!)

Eat Your Apple Pie with a Slice of Cheddar
Like Fenway and the Green Monster ... like the month of March and Town Meeting. These two institutions were made to be together.  (If you haven't tried it, I highly suggest you do so and just remember - the sharper the cheese the better!)

Drink Your Coffee Milk
Hey, it's Rhode Island's official state drink. You don't think a million people could be wrong, do you?  (That would be Autocrat and there's a bottle in my refrigerator as well as another in the cupboard!)

Brown-Egg It
The health benefits may be debatable, but New Englanders know that when it comes to the almighty egg, those bigger, tastier brown-shelled varieties (thank you, Rhode Island Red!) put the whites to shame.  (As we like to say in these parts, "Brown eggs are local eggs and local eggs are fresh!"  There's a dozen in the fridge as I type this!)

Weave Around a Real New England Frost Heave
Frost heaves, like the Lord, work in mysterious ways, casting down some parts of the road and exalting others. We memorize the smoothest routes, until they become automatic. We become Mississippi riverboat pilots, meandering down the road, subconsciously aware of every hidden snag and mudbank.  (And some years the heaves are worse than others - good shocks are in order!)

Actually Climb Bunker Hill Monument
Two hundred and ninety-four steps doesn't sound like that many at the bottom, but you feel it about halfway up the narrow spire. They should install inspirational signs along the way, like "How much do you love your country?" When you get back down, make sure to yell, "We made it!" at the park ranger. You've earned it, and he's used to it by now.  (Okay so it was 1971 when I did this - that still counts, right??)

Have an Awkward Conversation With Someone Who Won't Break Character
Maybe it was a Pilgrim at Plimoth Plantation, or maybe a soldier at a Civil War reenactment, or someone claiming to be Mark Twain--we've all been there. For better or worse, living history is alive in New England, filling our museums with authentically clad time travelers who want nothing more than to tell you about their plough or the recent wave of white plague (tuberculosis). That's the thing about having more history than the rest of the country--there's more of it to come back to haunt you.  (Mystic Seaport, Sturbridge Village ... yep, been there and done that but I was young at the time!  These days I know better!)

Grin and Bear It: Bits of Life Every New Englander Has Learned to Contend With
Blackfly season: We know not to wear dark-colored clothes.
May frost: We know not to plant before Memorial Day.
Mud season: We know enough to park and walk down that "quaint" dirt road in March.
Boiled dinners: We just know that we're supposed to like them. So we do.
Hollywood's Boston accents: We know that Matt Damon should play all Beantown characters.
(There are just some things you learn to accept - however, I could really do without the bad accents - a'yut!)

Tour the USS Constitution
The quick skinny on the world's oldest commissioned warship still afloat. Launch: October 21, 1797, Boston's Hartt Shipyard; one of the first six ships commissioned by the new U.S. Navy. Size: 204 feet long; 220-foot mainmast (just 1 foot shorter than Bunker Hill Monument). Crew capacity: 500 (uncomfortable) men. Name game: Earned its nickname, Old Ironsides, after a victorious battle against the British in the War of 1812. Current home: Charlestown, MA. (I've actually done this one twice!  Once back in 1971 when I also climbed Bunker Hill and once again in 2002 when I got to Bunker Hill and just stood there and looked up at it!)





Read a Timeless New England Book (Any of These Will Do)
A Separate Peace, by John Knowles
We Took to the Woods, by Louise Dickinson Rich
Walden, by Henry David Thoreau
Ethan Frome, by Edith Wharton
The Scarlet Letter, by Nathaniel Hawthorne
Moby-Dick, by Herman Melville
Little Women, by Louisa May Alcott
(The only one I haven't read is the one by Louise Dickinson Rich but as for the rest - of course!)

Tour the Bones in Our Closet
We may not be proud of all of our history, but that won't stop us from putting in a gift shop and charging admission. Morbidly inclined travelers can pick from an assortment of macabre New England attractions, including the Lizzie Borden B&B in Fall River, Mass.; a tour of Boston Strangler crime scenes; and pretty much the entire city of Salem, also in the curiously ghoulish Bay State. (Funny, I was just looking at the Lizzie Borden B&B on-line the other day and wondering when I could fit in a trip!  And we all know I've done Salem several times and will be there again before the year's end.)

Know That Covered Bridges Weren't Covered to Keep Out the Snow
Joe Allen of Vineyard Haven, Massachusetts, who answered Yankee reader inquiries for more than 35 years in his "Sayings of the Oracle" column, had a short fuse when it came to questions regarding the origin of the covered bridge. One of his last answers proved to be the hottest: "Jesus for Guard Almighty, we thought all hands knew by this time," he wrote back to one reader. "Bridges were covered, damn fool, for the same reason women used to wear petticoats--to protect their underpinnings. Ever hear that wood rots when it gets wet? Your asinine suggestion that they were covered to keep the snow off the road is dead wrong. In fact, I recollect throwing snow inside the bridges after a snowstorm so our sleighs wouldn't grind on the wood." Rest in peace, Joe.  (Come on now, you don't think I went and took all of those pictures of covered bridges in Vermont last year without knowing this, did ya?)

Know Where the Chowder Turns Red
The chowder line is that geographic boundary demarcating the place where creamy-style New England chowder asserts itself as top choice over tomato-based Manhattan chowder and clear-broth Rhode Island chowder. In the 1930s, one Maine publication went so far as to claim that the addition of tomato to clam chowder was "the work of the Reds," who sought to undermine "our most hallowed tradition," and suggested that housewives and chefs adding tomatoes be forced "to dig a barrel of clams at high tide as penalty."  (Red and clear chowdah?  Heavens no!  It's creamy or none for this New Englander!)

Make a Fool of Yourself Playing Candlepin
With an all-time high score of 245 (out of a possible 300), candlepin is a game that refuses to be mastered. Some say the small balls and tiny pins make for a game of grace and precision; others claim they're punishment from God to humble smug ten-pin bowlers. Either way, the first time you strike the two center pins--and nothing else--you should learn to laugh at yourself, because everyone else at the alley already is. (Ah yes, candlepin bowling ... the height of teenage embarrassment and I remember it well!)

After my trip to New Hampshire and Maine next week I'll be able to check two more off of the list:

Play It Humble
Head to York, Maine, and pretend you're not a tourist by trying not to take a picture of Nubble Light--perhaps the most photographed lighthouse in the world. (My cousin Amy did this one this past summer when she was in Maine with her friend Vanessa - of course it's on my list, too!)

Ride the Scenic Railroad
Unless you've ridden the Conway Scenic Railroad through Crawford Notch in New Hampshire's White Mountains in autumn--chugging through the color, across a trestle so narrow that it seems to have no visible means of support, spanning a rushing stream 94 feet below--you've never seen the region like this before.  (As a matter of fact, I have tickets sitting on the dresser in my bedroom for this very thing!  That would be the Frankenstein Trestle that he's talking about and I will do my level best to get a picture or two provided the camera doesn't slide out of my sweaty hands!)

My thanks to Mr. Ian Aldrich for the original article and to everyone who's pictures I used for this post when I couldn't find any of my own.

Kanye & I Agree!

Recently I was lucky enough to be a winner in the "I want to eat birthday cake with Lois" contest and after a day's delay (due to no one being home to sign for it from UPS) my luscious Lemon Yogurt Friendship Cake arrived on Tuesday much to my tastebuds' delight!

If you've never tried one of these incredibly moist and delicious cakes you have no idea what you're missing but should you like to find out for yourself then just head over to Fleur de Lis Catering and order one custom-made just for you. Trust me, you'll be glad you did!

Thank you, Lois, for the fantastic treat; thank you, Mags, for baking one heckuva scrumptious cake; and thank you, Amanda, for help with the graphic!

Monday Musings

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it ... thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles ...

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself.

A big thanks to Jen S. from work for forwarding the email that these came from - every great once in awhile those "forwards" are really worth reading!

A Little Humor

I have kleptomania,
But when it gets bad,
I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Kinky is using a feather..
Perverted is using the whole chicken.

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
And
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
And
It's all organized by the Italians.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.

In just two days from now,
Tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist
With a limited inventory

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

I may be schizophrenic,
But at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.

KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.

When you work here,
You can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".

Money isn't everything,
But it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion
That occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I FOUND JESUS!
He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana!

A tip of the hat to my supervisor, Matt, for the email!

Caption That Photo!

Today, like yesterday, has a lot of running around for various and assorted errands scheduled so I'm afraid I'm not going to have a lot of time for blogging until perhaps later this evening when I settle down in front of the TV and watch "American Idol". Being the professional multi-tasker that I am, I can watch Adam perform and blog at the same time!

In the meantime, though, I thought I'd use one of my pictures that I took out in California last week and see if you maybe ya'll could come up with a caption or two for it. I took this picture at the Seacliff Beach Pier in Aptos where the Palto Alto is located and felt that it looked like these two birds were talking to each other. That, in turn, led me to think that perhaps some of you comedians out there might have some fun with it

I'll be back later to see what you came up with but for now I've got an appointment with the eye doctor, lunch with an old friend, and a consult with Amanda's oral surgeon lined up. Hope you all have a great Tuesday no matter what you're doing!

Here's Your Sign!

With a tip of the hat to my friend Andrew, who sees lots of idiots in his job as both a road paramedic at American and an Emergency Room paramedic at the William W. Backus Hospital, I present to you the Top Idiots of 2008 ...

Number One Idiot of 2008

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because
she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her
that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her
daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the
conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant
poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room
right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Two Idiot of 2008

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out
of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the
river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It
turned out that the chopper was homing in on th e emergency locater
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated They are no longer
employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot of 2008

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch
and wrote this, 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in
line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that
someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he
reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed
the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line,
he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising
from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the
harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it
was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either
have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of
America .

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested
a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don 't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot of 2008

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all
of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a
bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter
on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the
cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.'
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his
driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and
she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with
his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and
address of the robber that she got off the license. They arrested the
robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Five of 2008

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers.

The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the
startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six of 2008

Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab
some booze, and run.

So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window..
The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the
liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught
on videotape.

Another idiot with another sign!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 2008

I live in a semi-rural area ( Weyauwega,Wisconsin ). We recently had a
new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request
the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't
think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

A very large sign goes to this complete and total idiot.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Not that I do everything right every time but thank the Lord I am smarter than these fools!

Caption That Photo!

It's been awhile since I've done a photo caption post but that's probably because I didn't have any pictures that I thought might lend themselves to a funny caption or two. That changed after I uploaded some of the pictures that I took yesterday of Evra, Amanda's pet green anole lizard, who has become quite a favorite of mine since we moved to the new house as he seemed to change personalities completely once we moved here.

Prior to changing residences Evra would pretty much just hide in the plant in his habitat and scurry away if anyone came near. Now he seems downright sociable and doesn't even run and hide when I open the lid to put in fresh food. He's become quite the connoisseur of meal worms, too, which has caused him to grow quite a bit though he's still pretty small and nowhere near big enough to turn into a pair of shoes or a belt as Mo likes to suggest from time to time!

Anyhow, 'nuff said - time for some fun! Put on your thinking caps, warm up your sense of humor, and leave me a caption or two in the comments! Being that Evra is technically Amanda's pet, I'll let her pick the caption she thinks is best in a day or two.



Oh, and just don't ask him if you can buy term life insurance, he's an anole - not a gecko!

Stealing My Happiness Away

The older I get, the more I have come to the conclusion that it really is the small things that make me happy ... a warm breeze, beautiful cotton-like clouds, freshly changed sheets, a good book, being able to sleep in rather than get up at the command of my alarm clock, the scent of vanilla candles, and a good cup of coffee are some of the things that come to mind.

All small things that can be easily found or attained for the most part but sometimes there are those who try to take away some of my small bits of happiness ... those who didn't have the foresight to provide for their own happiness and try to steal mine away ...

Sorry, Amanda, if you had wanted a cup of liquid happiness, you should have ordered your own!

This one is mine!

Don't forget to scroll down to see who won my photography contest!

Caption That Photo!

All things being equal and work being work, time is of the essence yet again today so I am taking the easy way out and posting another picture and opening it up to you folks for some funny captions if you think you're up to it.

Being that I am using a picture of her, I'm going to let Amanda pick her favorite caption again once she returns from New Jersey later this week so here's your chance to pick on a 16-year old a little bit and have fun while you're doing it. Just remember to be nice - Amanda can be sensitive from time to time even though she probably doesn't like to admit it!

A Post from the Past

Before I have to head into work later this afternoon, I have decided to treat myself and sneak off minus any teenagers to see "Twilight", the long-awaited big screen version of Stefanie Meyer's teenage vampire romance novel of the same name. Yeah, yeah, I know ... I really should wait and go with Amanda and Cate but I think I need to go first to check it out and see whether or not they're going to like it! After all, it could be an absolutely horrible adaptation of the book and it's my duty as a good mom to make the sacrifice to be sure that it's not going to disappoint the girls.

Anyhow, because I'm heading out to an 11:00 a.m. show, I decided to pull my post from two years ago today and republish it for your Friday enjoyment. It's quick, it's easy, and most of you weren't reading my blog way back in 2006 so this will be all new to you!

Enjoy and I'll be sure to let you know how the movie is! By the way, Callie - did you finish the book yet??

Originally posted on November 21st, 2006

“To live under the American Constitution is the greatest political privilege that was ever accorded to the human race” ~ Calvin Coolidge

Amanda has a two-part Civics test this week and this morning as we were sitting on the couch watching bits and pieces of the news (and no, not Rachel Lutzker for all of her fans out there!) she decided to try quizzing me on some of the things that she was going to be tested on.

"What rights are Americans promised under the U.S. Constitution?"

"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney and to have an attorney present during questioning. If you cannot afford an attorney one will be provided to you free of charge."

"Who was James Madison?"

"He was the fourth President of the United States and was married to Dolly Madison who later went on to make wonderful snack cakes."

"What is the Preamble?"

"The short walk that you take to loosen up your legs before the real ambling begins."

"What is the New Jersey compromise?"

"A decision that is agreed upon by a bunch of guys talking with Jersey accents who generally say 'fuggedaboutit' to everything."

"What is the CT plan or the Great Compromise?"

"When the people from Connecticut decide to agree on something really good."

"What is the 3/5ths Compromise?"

"When 3/5ths of the people in the room agree on something then it's passed."

"Who was Thomas Jefferson?"

"The third President of the United States who lived at Monticello in Virginia and was the main author of the Declaration of Independence as well as a gifted inventor and player of the violin. He died on July 4th, 1809 - the exact same day as John Adams, second President of the United States" (Now this one I knew!)

Needless to say I was probably not a great deal of help to Amanda in studying for her test as most of this stuff totally escapes me despite the fact that I think I used to know it once upon a time. Even though I love history, and lament not having become a history teacher, I've never been a big fan of Civics which is more the study of comparative government or politics than it is actual history.

Whereas I can tell you quite a bit about what went on during the actual writing and signing of the Declaration of Independence, I can't tell you that much about the document itself. The same goes for the Constitution and any of the other lovely documents that our Founding Fathers decided to draft once they got the notion that we were going to be a nation independent of England. Ask me about George Washington as a General and I could bore you to tears but ask me about George Washington as a Statesman and I'll bore you to tears about George Washington as a General!

Knowing that I'm a history buff, Amanda was quite surprised that I couldn't answer most of the questions she threw out at me this morning (as a matter of fact, she kept smacking me in the head with her papers after every wrong answer!) but I was rather proud of the fact that she DID know the answers. Maybe she's paying more attention in class than I thought she was!

It's a Miracle!!

Definitely not something I thought I would be seeing again anytime soon - especially here in Connecticut where gas taxes are HUGE!

Let us all rejoice!

Rocket Science 101 - NOT!

Not feeling like much of a genius these days? Well, not to fear, there are some people out there who say things that make the rest of us look like candidates for Mensa!

'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.'
-- George W Bush

'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?'
--Lee Iacocca

'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President

'I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix .'
--Dan Quayle, Vice President

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.' --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey

'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.'
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

Feeling smarter? I know I am! A big thanks to my friend Rhonda for the email!

Calling All Senses of Humor!

For a bit of a change, I thought it might be fun to run a "Caption That Photo" post and see what sort of sense of humor you, my readers, might have. Plus it gives me the chance to do a post and let you folks do the work!

So ... leave a comment with a caption for this picture and then come back tomorrow to find out exactly it was I was up to! Oh, and Miz Cyn ... don't spoil the fun by cheating and telling people what was really going on if you happen to stop by!

Things My Mother Taught Me

I got this in an email today from my friend Andrew and it was just too good not to share! My mother taught all of these things to me and now, as a mother myself, I am teaching these same lessons to my children who I am sure will then pass them on to their own children.

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

My mother taught me RELIGION -
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

My mother taught me LOGIC -
'Because I said so, that's why.'

My mother taught me MORE LOGIC -
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

My mother taught me IRONY -
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

My mother taught me about FLEXIBILITY -
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE -
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
'Stop acting like your father!'

My mother taught me about ENVY -
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
'Just wait until we get home.'

My mother taught me about RECEIVING -
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

My mother taught me ESP -
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

My mother taught me HUMOR -
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT -
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

My mother taught me GENETICS -
'You're just like your father.'

My mother taught me about my ROOTS -
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

My mother taught me WISDOM -
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE -
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.'

A Royal Dilemma

"To hug or not to hug? That is the question!
Whether tis nobler to approach thy Queen with arms flung wide
Or humbly approach on bended knee and by such groveling not offend thee? ..."

Oh dear. I am afraid that I am quite unprepared to meet with Queen Mimi tomorrow evening as I have no clue whatsoever of what is expected of me when first meeting someone of royal personage. Do I curtsy? Do I bow? Do I allemande left and allemande R, go right and left and form a star; shoot that star to the heavens whirl, go right and left to the second girl? Allemande left and allemande G – right and left and turn back three? Allemande left and the ladies star – the men run around the outside bar? Then allemande left and the men all star – girls run around but not too far? Oh my Lord I'm so confused! What do I do??

If I were my daughter, I'd no doubt run up and - forgetting all propriety, pomp and circumstance, and respect for personal space - wrap the Queen in a huge bear hug. I, however, am a lot more reserved than my pink-and-blue haired teenager who gives hugs away much like the orange-toga'd Hare Krishnas used to give away tracts in airports.

Speaking of airports, the 1980 movie Airplane!, which was a spoof on airline disaster movies, to this day remains one of my all-time favorite comedies and is one that I can watch over and over without ever getting tired of it. The first time I watched it was with my first husband at a small theater in Southern California. I remember that "It was a rough place - the seediest dive on the wharf. Populated with every reject and cutthroat from Bombay to Calcutta. It's worse than Detroit ..." But surely I digress. Yes, yes, I have digressed and need to stop calling myself Shirley. I need to get back on vector, Victor ... I was writing a post but now there's something I can't remember! My post! What is it? It's a story of sorts that can be made out of words or pictures or both and published on a blog for other people to read but that's not important right now!

Oh dear, I seem to have lost all control of this post, haven't I? Hold on while I snap myself out of this ... {{removes self from computer and takes a walk around the house}} ... Whew! Okay, that's better ... now, where was I? Oh yes, proper etiquette for meeting a Queen (even if she is merely a self-proclaimed Queen of Memes or one who became Queen when some watery tart threw a sword at her while walking past the pond on the Bloggingham grounds one day!). Ut-oh, there I go again ...

Anyway ... if anyone can help me out with the proper Meeting-of-the-Queen etiquette before 4:00 p.m. tomorrow evening I would really appreciate it! I really don't wish to embarrass myself before the first true member of royalty I've ever met though I'm sure that even if I don't embarrass myself by failing to make proper introductions, I'll no doubt manage to do so when I keep staring at her face and wondering where on earth the other half is!

Oh, and before I forget, the Queen has granted me permission to interview her during the course of our meeting tomorrow night so if there's anything you'd like me to ask her for you then please feel free to leave me that question in a comment. I promise to make sure that Queen Mimi is not merely talking out of the side of her mouth and gives me the straight answer, in spite of the fact she only has one side of her mouth to talk out of, and will publish those answers in another post either Friday or Saturday. So, anything you'd like me to ask Her Royal Majesty for you? Any complaints you'd like me to carry forth in the hopes that she sentences me to the dungeon and not you for having had the impertinence of asking? I just hope she remembers not to kill the messenger ... perhaps I picked a bad week to give up sniffing glue?

Anyway, while you think on what you'd like to ask the Queen, I'm going to go practice my do-si-dos and maybe have Amanda give me some hugging lessons! After I watch this movie trailer, that is!

A Royal Summons!

Oh dear, oh dear! What to do? What to do? It appears that I have been summoned for a royal meeting with the Queen this coming Thursday and frankly, I'm a bit nervous! Is it for tea or is it for a royal dressing down of some sort?

There I was, minding my own business while sipping a cup of coffee and searching out wishes in the Blogosphere this morning, when suddenly an instant message popped up my screen from Her Royal Highness Mimi, Queen of Memes. "I should like to meet with you this Thursday hence and request your presence for tea and perhaps dinner at a destination to be named later. There are matters of great importance that we must discuss and I feel this would be better met through a personal meeting rather than through the internet. I shall be in touch as to time and place."

Oh dear, have I committed some sort of violation of the Rules of Meme? Did I fail to participate in a meme that I was tagged for? Am I destined for the dreaded dungeon at Bloggingham Castle? All sorts of thoughts - both good and bad but mostly bad - began circling in my not-quite-caffeinated-enough head! What could the Queen possibly need to discuss with me? What could be so important that she would leave the protected walls of Bloggingham and wander the countryside?

I mean, seriously, as much as all of us in the Blogosphere love our beloved Queen of Memes, how many of us have actually been summoned to appear before her? None that I can think of so naturally I'm a bit apprehensive! Is she a benevolent Queen? A Queen who rules happily from Bloggingham Castle with a sweet smile and a gentle wave of her hand or is she the type of Queen that one should cower before? The type of Queen that would be scaring the bee-jeebers out of sweet innocent characters in a Disney movie? Is she going to offer me a slice of poison apple pie and or perhaps a cup of hemlock tea? Tales of her non-culinary talents do run rampant through the Blogosphere so of course I should be leery, correct? Maybe she'll have a Royal Taste-Tester present and I can merely eat only that which the Queen consumes?

How do any of us know what type of Queen she really is? The most any of us have ever seen of her is half of her face peeking out from behind trees in the Bloggingham forest or gazing out from beneath the turned-down brim of a sleuth's hat while she goes investigating in the Blogosphere. Has anyone ever seen her royal documents proclaiming her to be actual and honest-to-goodness royalty? Was she dubbed Queen like King Arthur who was dubbed King by "the Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that he, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur"*? Or did she just one day decide that she looked good in a tiara and proclaimed herself to be Queen so that she could get the royalty discount at local restaurants and shops?

How do I know that this isn't one of those oh-too-frequent internet scams where someone is proclaiming themselves to be royalty from another country who, through no fault of their own, is having difficulty in obtaining their rightful inheritance and needs me to help them recover their millions while offering me a significant chunk of the bounty as long as I make a small investment of my own hard-earned money up-front? Perhaps I should best leave my checkbook at home in case I fall victim to her smooth talk and earnest promises!

Or perhaps our beloved Queen is merely a former Beauty Queen who wishes to meet for tea to reminisce about her former glory days strutting her stuff on the boardwalks of New Jersey? I'm sure she'd have great tales to tell of the cat-fights that go on backstage while one contestant steals hairspray from another or lines another's bathing suit with pepper spray!

Well, regardless of our Queen's true identity and past, I am definitely looking forward to meeting her despite the nervousness and trepidation one must always feel at the thought of meeting a Queen. I'm going to have to work on my curtsying ...

... and Lord knows what one wears when meeting royalty! I'm pretty sure a hat is in order, especially if one is having tea as I believe it's considered quite gauche to have one's head uncovered in the presence of royalty. Of course, I'm a little rusty on The Rules of Etiquette When Meeting Royalty Whether Self-Proclaimed or Not so I could be wrong there!

So, as long as I don't find myself locked away in a dungeon for my impertinence in writing this post, I shall let you all know how it goes after Thursday's meeting as long as the Queen gives me her Royal permission to blog about it.

Gee, now that I think about it, I wonder how she manages to drink tea with only half a face??


*A big thank you to Monty Python & The Holy Grail!

Manic Monday - "Egg"

The Manic Monday word of the day is "EGG" which is a simple word so, for once, I'm making this a simple post! Enjoy and don't forget to check out more Manic Monday Minions over at Morgen's It's A Blog Eat Blog World!

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, clearly angry, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

Advanced Medicine?

I generally don't like to make jokes about the head guy in the White House here in America but I got this one in my email and actually found myself laughing so I figured why not share? I shudder to think what kind of jokes people are going to be making after the next election! Of course, depending on how things turn out in November, I may be living in Canada by then anyway!

A Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.

A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, 'You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House and now half the country is looking for work.

A Bit of Logical Thinking, I Think!

I was looking at automotive accessories on the internet earlier today for something in particular and I came across tail light guards, which at first I wasn't exactly sure what the purpose of was. It wasn't that I was being dense or anything but I was wondering why on earth people would need such a thing on their cars. Was there that much of a problem with people backing up their vehicles and smashing their tail lights out? Why would anyone invent such a thing?

I took a closer look at the product description out of curiosity and think I may have found the answer "...Tail light Guards feature European styling and high quality one-piece construction." Obviously if they have European styling it must mean that the people in Europe were the ones to initially have the problems with backing up and breaking out their tail lights and they came up with the idea! It naturally migrated across to America and, because we love all things European, people now put them on their vehicles in order to look cool like our counterparts across the ocean!

Simple logic! Why didn't I think of it sooner??