7 Glaring Reasons Why Mario Is A Jerk
We've all played as him and we've all seen him as a hero, but have we all identified with him? Most likely not. Why? Because he's a dick. When you think about it, Mario is evil. Face it: he's a bad guy. It's the simple truth. Here are a few reasons why Mario is one of the most self-centered, inconsiderate, egotistical a-holes in video game history. Yet we all still love him for it. This list is about calling Mario on his sh*t. Enjoy. Why is Mario a dick? These are just some of the most glaring reasons why. Hopefully, you don't stoop to his level.
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- 1
He Tried To Kill A Baby Gorilla For Trying To Save His Own Father
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Mario's animal cruelty is unrivaled in video games, but no animal in his path gets it worse than Donkey Kong Junior (except maybe Yoshi).
So, when Donkey Kong Senior, father of Donkey Kong Junior (who grows up to be the Donkey Kong we all currently know and love), gets captured by Mario after the first Donkey Kong arcade game (this was back when Mario still went by the name Jumpman), his son comes to his rescue. This is the premise of Donkey Kong Junior for the arcade, ColecoVision, and later the NES console.
When you watch some Donkey Kong Junior game footage, you realize that Mario, throughout this entire game, is actually whipping the animals that he sends after this poor, innocent ape just trying to save what is apparently the only family he has left. Mario, though, is on a power trip from when Donkey Kong kidnapped Pauline, Mario's first girlfriend and the girl he's trying to save in the original Donkey Kong arcade game. After losing her, Mario decides that it's important to not only keep Donkey Kong in captivity forever, but to actually kill (instead of imprison) the adorable son that tries to rescue his father.
He's not only making it so that this young ape has to die just because the ape doesn't want to live/be raised alone, but he sends out slave labor. And this slave labor is treated as poorly as it possibly can. From alligators, to birds with abnormally large beaks, to vultures, he whips every single animal he can get his gloved hands on. But not only that, he dangles fruit just out of their reach, torturing them, letting them know who's in charge (he is).
Despite the other counts of animal cruelty that Mario enjoys on a regular basis, this is probably the worst of it all.
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- 2
He Abandons His Friends
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With absolute reckless abandon, Mario constantly throws his friends under the bus (and sometimes literally – Mario Kart, anyone?).
The biggest and most shining example, other than not giving Toad any credit, is how he treats Yoshi. Yoshi is easily one of the most altruistic, selfless and heroic characters in video game history. He and his people hatch out of eggs and from birth decide to help out a plumber hired to save the people of their kingdom. When the dinosaurs of the Yoshi clan eat certain enemies or evildoers, they get the power to fly or spit fire. WHY ARE THESE ANIMALS DISPOSABLE? This is an amazing skill, and a wondrous, giving animal that should be treasured, preserved and kept safe, fed well and treated like a king.
Instead, Mario treats them like most of us do laundry pennies.
What the hell? Why is this necessary? You can't climb? You can't just get a running start, or maybe go somewhere to eat the right enemies so that you and your brave, loyal friend can both make it to save your girlfriend? No. Apparently this is too hard for Mario. He's the kind of guy that feels he has to resort to launching his poor unsuspecting friend into what we can only imagine is a limitless chasm filled with a death just long enough to realize that someone you trusted has betrayed you. This will be Yoshi's last thought. Every time Mario uses him to get a extra 3 feet of air.
And why does he bring Luigi on the journeys and not Toad? Nepotism, that's why. Toad did better than butter-shoes Luigi in Super Mario Bros. 2. Toad always beats him to the castle. Always. If Toad has prior knowledge of not only the Princess's location, but was able to get to that part of the castle BEFORE Mario, then why the hell do they even need Mario? Toad's stealth skills could save the Princess and all would be well. Mario just kills everything and is much more a blunt object. If this is the case, then you really have to admit that Mario is the Superman of the Mushroom Kingdom, because he uses his speed, strength and power to save the day. But do we really need that? No. What does the Mushroom Kingdom really need? A Batman. And with his stealth, familiarity within the kingdom and protective head gear, Toad is basically the Batman of the Mushroom Kingdom.
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- 3
He Uses His Fists To Communicate
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Even when he was practicing medicine, Mario has always been a blunt force. His bedside manner consisted pretty much of throwing pills at you. Literally. That's all he did. Worst doctor EVER.
Also, as soon as Mario meets Yoshi, Yoshi is really glad to see him. "Thank you for rescuing me. I was on my way to rescue my friends, Bowser trapped me in this egg..." is what Yoshi says to Mario.
How does Mario respond to this? By jumping on his back, forcing him to overeat by punching him in the throat, ditching him at every point he can, and by making him travel long distances as a pet. Yoshi introduces himself as an equal and Mario uses him as a form of transportation.
This isn't heroism. It's borderline torture, and it's disrespect for the inhabitants of this land. He kills a whole bunch of dinosaurs before Yoshi hatches, too. These could have been his relatives.
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- 4
He Destroys The Kingdom He Was Hired To Save
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Mario exists for one purpose, and for one purpose alone: to save the day. And he always accomplishes this task. But like Superman, he accomplishes it by using brute force. So, like Superman, he leaves no building un-demolished, no nearby weapon unused (even if it's a part of the local ecosystem or is part of an important structure) and he sure as hell makes sure that he's left a war path.
Other than destroying the Kingdom that he's supposed to be saving, he's also pillaging every major government building he encounters due solely to the fact that someone he didn't like very much was just hanging out there. Why demolish a building completely once a Koopaling or Bowser is defeated? Why? Aren't most people anywhere Mario goes just kind of wandering around? It seems like most people are HOMELESS. These people could not only find shelter, refuge and peace in these castles that Mario is decimating at an alarming pace, but they could live there forever! Sure, they aren't the safest place for children, what with the lava and all, but they would be better than living on the streets, or the hot brick (or grass) surfaces where it is always sunny.
He also feels entitled to each and every piece of currency he comes across and pulls a Grand Theft Auto move by getting coins and points from his enemies. Not only is he killing creatures as he encounters new ones, but he's using them for his own personal gain. This makes Grand Theft Auto seem tame in comparison, if not for just the sheer amount of carnage involved in a Mario rampage (or as you call them, "levels") vs. a GTA mission.
When he consumes their natural resources (mushrooms that turn him into a giant, stars that make him impervious to pain and/or various suits he finds that give him super powers), he also uses them up to their fullest extent and doesn't save them, or take them somewhere to be preserved and possibly re-used, he just disposes of them.
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- 5
He Saves The Princess, But Never Protects Her
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Mario is being a complete negligent jerkwad by letting Princess Peach get captured time and time again. If it's really that dangerous in the Mushroom Kingdom with Bowser around, then why the hell don't they just move out of the Mushroom Kingdom? With the amount of building demolishing, explosions, flying bombs, genetically engineered turtles and terrorists running around, the Mushroom Kingdom seems like a terrible place to live.
Regardless, through his travels, Mario has encountered warp whistles, giant boots that protect him and help him get around, suits that make him powerful, invincibility stars, the ability to throw fire, the ability to travel under water faster than a normal human being and, most importantly, mushrooms that make him a giant. Why doesn't he share any of this with the princess? If Mario bothered to not just save her (which, as it turns out, is really quite the band-aid solution when it comes to her), but to actually protect her, he'd not only teach her how to fight (better), but he'd arm her with the weapons that have allowed him to save the day countless times. Think about the Princess and how much easier her life would be if she had the Mushroom Kingdom's version of pepper spray on her at all times. Problem solved.
Not only that, but if he's had the power to fly for YEARS, then why the hell doesn't he just do that all the time? It'd actually keep people in danger for less time and would just generally make the whole "saving people" thing more efficient.
If Princess Peach could defend herself, we wouldn't have to deal with all the political turmoil in the Mushroom Kingdom, and most importantly, we wouldn't have to deal with Mario.
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- 6
He Makes His Brother Come With Him To Save HIS Girlfriend
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Have you ever had an errand you needed to run? A really important errand that you had to deal with that you were not only responsible for, but would endanger other people's lives? Mario has. He does all the time. And when he does, he brings his brother AND treats him like a second-class citizen.
You know all those power-ups that make a person stronger, more powerful and that increase their ability to survive in the life-or-death situations that are scattered around the Mushroom Kingdom? Mario gets first dibs. Not ONCE has Luigi ever been given the Player 1 spot. Only in his own games, but that's basically like saying that sure, your brother never gets served first at dinner at your house, but he always eats first when he's alone!
That not only doesn't cater to having a healthy fraternal relationship, but it means that Mario is an entitled egotist who thinks the world revolves not only around him (because that would be too humble for Mario), but it revolves around his problems.
And to top it all off, at the end of the day, Luigi doesn't even get to reap the fruits of their labor. Mario gets a kiss and Luigi never gets a thank you. So not only is Luigi being dragged along for something that shouldn't even be his problem, he's being dragged along for a thankless, life-threatening deed. Luigi, therefore, is the greatest hero of the Mario franchise.
Also, when have you ever seen Princess Peach thank Luigi? Exactly.
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- 7
He Invites His Friends' Enemies To His Parties
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The Mario Party games have a simple premise: Mario invites all his friends over to play party games. This seems simple enough, and these games are actually kind of a cool thing to do with your friends. You can play as characters like Luigi, Peach, and Toad. And you can also play as characters like Bowser, Boo, Shy Guy, the Hammer Brothers, and more.
Wait, what? Really? Mario invites those guys to their game night? He invites people who have not only hurt, kidnapped and tried to kill the other partygoers, but people who are essentially known terrorists? It's not only a huge jerk move, but it goes to show just how insensitive Mario really is. He's a self-serving, egotistical sociopath for inviting all of these people to the same party.
Also, what kind of person stays friends with these guys? It's not like they went to jail together. HE's the one who brings them to justice. What's he even doing talking to these people? Who wants to play a game of bubble popping or "shake the can" with someone who's stretched the limits of the amount of fear you can feel as a person and who's scarred you for life? Nobody, that's who. And Mario doesn't care.
And to really nail in the point, there's an annoying announcer/moderator hired? This is like the person who gets their birthday party catered. It's all about status. Who the hell needs more than some simple hors d'oeuvres? Mario's that kind of guy.
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