I do not understand it. When the girls were at X's house, he and I talked a total of one time about how the girls were doing. During that conversation, he made the comment, "They don't read very much ..." to which I balked.

In this house, they are reading fiends. Sometimes, a book a day. They are both well above their reading level, and are constantly asking for new books. It really helps that Beloved is in the children's literature field, b/c he is able to constantly provide them with new and appropriate reading material.

I don't know why they didn't read there.

Today, J read an entire book (Tiger Rising, by Kate Dicamillo), and is now reading a second. E has been reading constantly, and was very upset on several occasions today when I made her put her book down to do chores or math homework. We spent TWO HOURS in a cafe today, and I got antsy and was done reading before them. I said, "you guys ready to go?" They both said no - once they shook their heads to clear them from the books they were immersed in. We then spent another TWO HOURS at the library.

They have never been to the library in the Middle of the Country. I kid you not.

When they're here, they watch no t.v., and don't ask to. We all enjoy family movie nights (Fridays), and sometimes we check out DVDs of different series (Star Trek (the original), Brady Bunch and Gilligan, to name a few - uh, maybe all). But we don't "watch t.v." They don't complain. When they have the freedom to, they flip once through the channels, and turn it off.

When they're there, they know every Disney, Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network show, what time it's on, and have favorites and daily shows. Then they come home, and they just don't care.

It also appears that when they're there, they don't fight or bicker.

But when they're here ....

Labels: *E*, *J*, summer

posted by Zuska @ 4:45 PM 0 comments

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Romance

I am not really a romantic person, as the term is generally understood. If Beloved wrote me poems, I would be uncomfortable and squirmy, and it would be too intense for me. I would run away or giggle and generally react badly. I don't think diamonds are a good gift idea. I don't feel that I need flowers, or cutesy notes around the house.

However. When we returned from Europe, and I spent a little time reflecting on our time together, I decided - that was a romantic trip.

It was just the two of us. We had nothing pressing on either of us. We enjoyed each other's company, we had plentiful and enjoyable conversations. We explored new places together, we were flexible together, and we were tired together. We had a few moments where we sniped at one another, but we quickly returned with apologies. I know we both were very conscious of the other's needs and quirks and weaknesses. We sat in cafes, sipping coffee, or wine, or nibbling on crepes. We visited some funky coffeeshops, and sipped cokes and fresh squeezed orange juices, and giggled our asses off. We made plans for our future - our future trips, our future homes, our future lives, our kids' futures.

We had a blast.

Coming home and being back in our apartment, in our town - the bubble shrunk, if it didn't pop quite yet. The empty fridge that needed filling, the cats that needed feeding, the air conditioners that wouldn't turn on, the mail that (still) hadn't been delivered, the girls' impending arrival -- all of that came in on us pretty quickly, and already, there was a wee bit less forgiveness, flexibility, tolerance. I tried hard to hold onto it. I wanted our vacation selves to stick around.

Now the girls are home, and man, the bubble is popped. It's just hard. We can't focus on each other the same. There's the girls to focus on. It's their needs that we both dance around and accommodate, rather than our own or each other's. I miss it. I think, Europe or not, I miss it every year. I will find solace in knowing it's there, waiting for us, and will be there for the rest of our lives, ready to come out when the opportunity arises.

And geez ... X has clearly never heard of a bedtime. These girls won't go to bed before midnight, and Beloved and I are trying to get up at 8 and get to the gym in the mornings - how the hell can we have sex if we fall asleep before the kids?

Labels: kids, love, marriage, summer

posted by Zuska @ 10:27 PM 0 comments

This is my life?

How surreal.

When the girls left, I was struggling to get work done in between spending time with them. I sent them off to the town pool on their own for Open Swim many days just so I could get more study time in.

Now, they're home, and I've got nothin'. Not a thing. (Which meant today that I could swim, too!)

Last year, and the year before, and the year before, I started school on or about August 28th. They don't start until on or about September 7th or 8th. Beloved and my parents cobbled together the gap in there, because for at least 2 of the 3 years of law school, the start of my year was very intense. First year was ... well, first year. With orientation and freaking out. Second year, I taught a class, which required my participation in orientation, and about 176x the time commitment that 1st year had required. Last year was finally more mellow, and so we didn't ship the kids off to my parents' for a week, and instead Beloved stayed home with them.

This year? It's me! I get to hang out and spend copious amounts of time with them.

This week, we have very little planned. Tomorrow is a bunch of small things. Tuesday, my parents are coming up for the day, and leaving us their car as they fly to Western Canada for 10+ days. We may go to the beach on Weds (I haven't decided yet). The only other thing we've got is dinner plans with friends on Friday night, to watch High School Musical 2.

On Sunday, we are going camping in Vermont for 3 nights. This, I must admit, feels daunting right now. As I feel like I've said 10,000 times lately, we're a little low on cash, and a trip feels ... wrong. But it shouldn't be. We have all the gear we need. All we need is food, and we buy that whether we're home or camping. We don't even have to pay for a zipcar, thanks to my parents' car at our disposal. We paid for the site months ago. I need to just let go, and do this fun thing with the kids.

Last year, we went to a friend's summer home for a few days, and it was a nice way to break up the last few weeks of the summer. I think camping will be a good thing. The campground is on a river, and there is a good bit of hiking in the area. We also will be a short drive away from an alpine slide which we've been talking about for a year or so. There's a dam up the road with a beach, and generally plenty to do. Despite my financial trepidation, I will make this happen, and we will have a good time.

For the last week in August, the girls are doing yet another acting thing. It's through the same organization they participate in all year long, but it's a little different. E did it last year and loved it, and now J is old enough, too. So for the whole week (and a little bit of the next), I'll be able to drop them off at either 8:30 or 9 a.m., and not pick them up again until noon or so.

I have NOTHING TO DO while they are there! Nothing!

Unbelievable.

I will go to the gym. I will sit in a cafe, perhaps with a book. Perhaps I will bring a notebook, and write. (!!!)

Then!!

They start school!!! I have two full weeks (plus a couple other days) where they're in school from 8 a.m. until 2 (plus after-school care) and I have (again) NOTHING TO DO!!

Except stress about the New Job.

Yikes.

Labels: kids, law school, new job, summer

posted by Zuska @ 9:36 PM 0 comments

The girls are home!

We picked the girls up yesterday at around 5 p.m. It is great to see them - they look healthy and beautiful.

They had a good summer, and so were a little sad to be away from X, but also ready to be home. Makes for a tough transition day. More of a tough transition night. It's when bedtime rolls around that their unsettledness comes out. J ends up afraid that the world is going to get struck by a meteor or something while she sleeps, and E just says, "I miss daddy, and I'm also afraid that we'll never have such a good summer again." We did our best to calm them both down - I tried to convince E that it's okay to be sad when you miss someone, and not to expect it to go away instantly. And maybe that it's good to feel sad, sometimes. Beloved helped J to think about positive possibilities, and to try to train her mind to go in that direction, instead of the calamitous.

Today, we've had a relatively smooth day. I felt like since school let out in June, the girls had been getting along with one another pretty well - especially in the Middle of the Country. Not today. Bickering started pretty early. They also weren't happy with me for enforcing my declaration that we would not stay in transition for a week, i.e., they had to unpack, and straighten their room. I didn't even push it too hard (their room is far from perfect), but they reacted strongly to the bit I did require.

Eventually, we got out the door to the pool. We had a nice time there. E is really quick to be upset. I know there's a transition happening - but she's seeming to be a little spoiled. She is upset mostly when she doesn't get her way. When the pool changed the rules so she couldn't dive off the side of the pool; when I didn't want to play a 4th game of Uno or a 2nd game of Clue; when I said "not right now" to reading her script with her, b/c we'd just finished 4 games of Uno and 2 games of Clue, and it's 9:30, and I'm tired.

When I know they're struggling with transitions, I feel like I need to bend over backward to help. That I need to say yes to all the games and other activities. But I don't like her reactions today. She's not being really all that obnoxious - it's more of a quiet (tragic) sulking.

We'll work through it, I'm sure. For all I know it's something that she found worked with X, and is trying it here. They seem to have found a way to spend much more time with him this trip, even though he was teaching a class every day, and perhaps this was the key there. Sulking. It's not a key here. Sure, I followed her into her room a couple times to see if she was okay, but then I just enforced the things I had previously said to her.

I know things will even out. They always do after a few rocky days.

Labels: *E*, *J*, divorce, summer, tears

posted by Zuska @ 9:01 AM 0 comments

Thursday, August 09, 2007

3 a.m.

We're home! We have a ton of pictures, and had a FANTASTIC time. I'm very fortunate, because my husband is a great travel buddy.

Now we have to deal with getting airplane grime off of ourselves, figuring out why the a/c won't turn on, and then going out to forage for food.

Good times,

[Girls are home in less than 48 hours! Holy Crap! Where did the summer go???]

Labels: europe, summer

posted by Zuska @ 7:47 PM 2 comments

Friday, July 20, 2007

A Moment of Mommy-Sadness

My kids are in a play. Right now. They have been in a drama camp in the Middle of the Country, and today is the performance. There are two of them (performances) today. They are in a scene together, and have a duet, and a dance, and everything.

I have never ever ever missed one of their performances. And in two short years, there have been MANY. 3 per year per kid. Maybe 4. I have to say, I'm feeling quite sad about missing this one. I would never have entertained the idea of traveling to the Middle of the Country for this performance ... it's a 2 week camp, it's X's thing, blah, blah blah (and that's not even considering what's going on at this point in MY life). But the sadness remains.

I bet they're so cute. I hope there's a way to get pictures. I guess it's good that X gets a taste of the excitement, and the nervousness, and the process. I just miss it.

I also fear that they will have a harder time once this camp is over (this performance marks the end). They have been seeming to be very busy, and to be having a lot of fun there so far. E has weird moments, though, where she calls here with an almost-desperation. Last night, she called using X's cell phone (which she seems to have unfettered access to) from a concert. So there was lots of noise, and a frantic voice saying, "MOMMY! MOMMY! I CAN'T HEAR YOU MOMMY!" I tried to tell her that it was clearly not a good time for a phone call, but she couldn't hear me. So I hung up. She called back. Finally, she called from their walk home, and said that she just missed me so much, she had to call.

I think that next week, they'll enjoy the ability to just knock around the house, but the NEXT week, they'll start to get bored. And they'll have almost zero access to me, since I'll be in Europe, and I don't have a phone that works in Europe, and I don't want to pay for international cell phone calls.

I will buy a phone card once we arrive, but E won't be able to call ME whenever she's feeling frantic and desperate. She'll have to adhere to a schedule.

Tonight they're going to the HP release party. They're VERY excited about that, and X's wife has been helping them with their costumes, and took them to a second hand clothing store yesterday to find robes and such - I am very grateful that she's so engaged (and always has been) and really picks up the slack that X has always always left behind.

I think I'll go place a quick "good luck" phone call (I realized that I once again added an hour instead of subtracted - their performance is in an hour.)

Labels: *E*, *J*, divorce, summer, X

posted by Zuska @ 5:50 PM 0 comments

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Truly, the last post

The girls called tonight. They're okay (of course). X did make some improvements to their bedroom ... or rather "X is making some improvements to their bedroom." J couldn't go to bed yet, even though her voice sounded like sandpaper, b/c he was still trying to put some furniture together in their room at 10:15 this evening. But he's making an effort, and I know that they notice. This is good for them.

It's good to hear their voices. I avoided telling them that I was sweeping and vacuuming their room in order to get remnants of them OUT and the trappings of BarBri and PMBR in.

They miss us a lot, and it results in them wanting to just park their butts on the phone. I hate cutting them off, but at the same time, they need to live their lives there. They need to be with their father. They need to not hold on so tight to this part of their lives, to the exclusion of the other.

I hate knowing that E has 1,000,000 things going on in her head that she doesn't share, and I feel like I'm being over-scrutinized when I tell her that it's time to say goodnight. That perhaps she's thinking, "oh, mom is glad we're gone, she can't wait to spend her time doing other things." When really, that's not true. I mean, yeah, I have to study, but I'd always rather have them here than not. She asked, though, if she can chat with me on google talk tomorrow, and I told her we'd be out for most the day (Shoes! Movies!) and she was a little disappointed.

I know ... she'll survive. She knows how much we love her, and she knows how much of our lives we dedicate to her and her sister's happiness and well being.

I know.

Labels: divorce, kids, parenting, summer, X

posted by Zuska @ 1:24 AM 0 comments

Friday, July 06, 2007

Skins, Kids and Books

I just downloaded a new skin for my updated Firefox - I'm not sure I like it. It's green. I think it will likely match my blog layout, but I don't tend to spend much time reading my own blog, and it doesn't match much else.

The girls are gone. They got on the plane this a.m. J was very emotional and tearful last night, and was more "depressed" (not in the clinical sense, in the quiet and withdrawn sense) this morning. E was being stoic last night. She was spending time in her room, preparing. She packed a lot more personal stuff than she usually does, and declared that she will NOT be living out of her suitcase this summer, and that if X did not get them a dresser, she will insist on some sort of dresser-like arrangement so she can actually move in this time.

Poor kid.

X called at 8:30 - he had them in hand and said they were happy, smiling and excited. It is the transition that bothers them the most - not the fact of their father, I think. They do have true complaints about how they spend their time and how he acts toward them, but while the transition period makes them say they would NEVER want to go there, I don't think that's the real truth. I think they do want to be there. It's just hard.

I came home and napped. This was the plan:

Sleep from 8 a.m. to 10 a.m.
Go to the gym from 10:30 a.m. to Noon
Shower, start working at 1:00
Leave home at 4:30 to to go the evening class of Corporations II

This is what actually happened:
Sleep from 7:30 a.m. to 12:30
Shower
Email/blog/make coffee set up until 1:30
Starting working at 1:30.

Huh. I guess that the sleep I got from 1:30 to 4:00 a.m. just wasn't enough.

Now it's time. Now I crunch. What usually serves the purpose of the family calendar will become the bar calendar - a dry-erase month-at-a-glance ... with subjects and questions and essays written in rather than birthday parties and picnics and school assignments.

I'm less nervous now than I was in June, and I'm not sure that's a good thing. I definitely have a lot to cram into my head, and I am definitely not in passing range yet. I suppose I trust my ability to learn, but this is definitely time to dig in deep for my ability to persevere and NOT procrastinate.

Labels: *E*, *J*, bar exam, bar prep, parenting, summer

posted by Zuska @ 1:20 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Summer as Torture

One of the worst parts of the days prior to the girls' departure: Tears.

Tonight it's J. She said bye to her BFF tonight, because BFF leaves for their summer house, and they don't return until J's in the middle of the country, and then before J returns, BFF and her family take off for Europe and Israel. They don't return until J is on her way to CT for my brother's baby shower/party/celebration, and then school starts.

This triggered an all-out tear fest about how the Middle Of the Country Sucks. About how all they do there is 5 things: watch t.v., go to the park, go swimming, go to their dad's office, and play on the computer.

I was a little confused. All they do here is go to the park, go swimming, play on the computer ... and?

She corrected me. We think of fun things to do. Beloved takes her to get iceys (she said that like 4 times. Who knew the power of the well-timed Slurpee?), we take them to movies, they have play dates with their friends, we go to concerts at parks.

She said, "every body loves summer but me - summer is torture!" and she had 4 little tear drops coming out of one eye at a time.

:(

What can I say? What can I do?

I got X to agree to a shorter summer from now on - 4 weeks instead of 6 (this year is 5). Two years ago, the girls were so miserable, they came home a week early. I paid the change fee for their plane tickets home.

She wants to not go at all.

Then she said she wants a break next year - she doesn't want to go at all. But she won't tell her father, b/c he'll be mad at her, or he will stop liking her, or he will think she doesn't like him.

Things wouldn't be better for her here this summer. Not with this fucking bar exam. But she said it would. She said that she could hang out with Beloved, and she could go to the library, and she could go to the pool, and she could go to the park, she could get together with friends, and she could BE HAPPY (she yelled that ... it's not a typical Zuska-over-emphasis-with-annoying-caps-lock).

She can't stay home this summer. I'll see how she feels when she returns (always better than before she leaves), and perhaps I'll pass on her request to X for a summer off.

We'll see.

I suspect that now that his financial obligations are being cut in half, and are no longer tied to time spent with the kids (which is how CA does it), he may very well say yes.

Labels: *J*, divorce, summer, tears, X

posted by Zuska @ 9:56 PM 0 comments

Saturday, June 23, 2007

This is a Saturday?

In order to squeeze in sufficient working time this weekend, I resolved last night to start working by 8 a.m. Since my daughters are slugs, I knew they'd be in bed or at least close to it until 10, and that I'd get in at least 2 hours of real work time before I was juggling work with caring for/being with the girls. We then plan to go to a Climate Action festival that my town is having, and then to the pool to swim and dive and laugh.

Then I got super-ambitious, and said, "I think I'll get up at 6, instead, just like during the week, and go running."

On a Saturday?

It's really surprising that I would say that.

What's even more surprising? That I did it.

I actually got up at 7, and did a truncated run, compared to the weekdays, but I was okay with that, because I plan on swimming laps later this afternoon.

So now, the bar exam has stolen at least 3 things from me:
1) Sex
2) Sleeping in on weekends
3) Reading for pleasure

After Beloved and I return from Europe, I am going to join my daughters in slug-ville.

These girls belong to me. This fact is evidenced by the fact that as soon as the alarm stops being set, they stay up late, and sleep late. When left to their own devices (i.e., in X's care) this gets so out of hand that they're up until 2 a.m. and sleep until noon. I believe that's insane. So at MY house, the worst is gets is up until midnight, sleep until 10. Oh yes, I am so much more civilized than my ex husband.

So far, we're doing okay. I send them toward bed at approx 10 or 10:30, and they read until they turn off their lights, which is around 11. And they are then crashing. And so far, at 9:08 a.m., they're still sleeping. So they are catching their Z's.

When they come home, 2 days after we come home, I want to join them in the experience of sleeping in. I want to read until I have no choice but to turn off my light. And I don't mean, "I want to read notecards with legal rules about torts, con law, and criminal procedure." I mean, I want to read a NOVEL. I want to read a magazine! Right now, my reading for pleasure consists of leafing through catalogs every time I get an extra 3.2 minutes, b/c I know it's only going to be 3.2 minutes, and I don't want to get invested in something I can't follow through with.

My day will come. It's on August 12th. The first day that the girls wake up here, at around noon. Since they'll be coming from X's house.

Labels: bar prep, exercise, kids, sleep, summer

posted by Zuska @ 9:02 AM 0 comments

Monday, May 28, 2007

Beach!!

I'm excited. We discovered last night that I screwed up our Zipcar reservation. I meant to return it at 10 this morning, but accidentally reserved it until TONIGHT at 10 p.m. Oops. We found out last night, when Beloved went to park it in its spot and found another car there ... he called to find out what to do and heard that we have it until 10 p.m. I tried to change it, but because it was so late and already into the reservation, if I had changed it, they still would have charged me the $67. So I kept it, thinking maybe we'll want to run an errand or something today.

But now, E is home from a sleepover, Beloved is making potato and macaroni salad for our Memorial Day Dinner, and we were sort of wondering what we'd do with the day. There was a light bulb over my head when I put the two pieces together. We have a car. It's a gorgeous day. We live in a coastal state! Woo hoo!!

So we're gonna go to the beach! I hope to return with photos of gorgeous girls frolicking in freezing cold water.

Labels: summer, weekends

posted by Zuska @ 12:44 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

They Fixed It!

I (along with at least one other) was whining about the fact that our gorgeous weather that started Sunday was being tempered by a nasty "highs in the low 50's" forecast for the end of the week and through the weekend. But now it's fixed! The weather gods have smiled at the sheer joy being felt in New England as tank tops, shorts, and WAY too revealing dresses were strutted around college campuses yesterday (83 degrees!), and thought, "hell, this is fun! All these undergrads are giving us the world's biggest peep show - let's keep it up!" and 5 days with temps in the 50s was edited to only one. The 70s shall return at the early part of next week! I'm liking this.

Although I do plan to stay dressed.

I also do NOT plan to buy a little sun dress with a band around the chest which ends up sliding down the chest so that itty bitty boobs (certainly not mine) are squished into a strange pokey ..... mass .... underneath the band.

I mean, really. Don't most dorm rooms come with mirrors?

Labels: fashion, summer

posted by Zuska @ 12:58 PM 1 comments

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