I had a super-successful productive day yesterday. I got through everything I wanted to, and thensome. I was working right up until midnight. I read through the February 2007 essay questions (all 10, which I found on the internet during the whole lawsuit media flurry, and liked having all 10 questions together to give myself a sense of the package deal) and felt okay - I didn't think I would have gotten a perfect score on all of them, but I think I understood what the issues were, and could have talked some for each.

Then today, we got up a little before 8. We went to our gyms. We came home, we showered. We walked up to town and went to our bank to sever our accounts (joint from individual) on our ATM cards, and changed our pin #s to be Euro-compliant. We went to an Indian food buffet, which was DELICIOUS. We went to the Gap, b/c I would like more skirts that I can just throw on to walk around town, and all my old ones fall off. We walked home slowly, stopping at Radio Shack to look for electricity converters for Europe. We talked, we enjoyed the 72 degree weather.

I did not freak out. I did not start twitching. I did not get upset.

It's now 1:30, and I'm about to head into my office/bar-study room/ kids' bedroom.

Do I feel guilty?

No.

Do I feel refreshed and ready to be productive?

Yes.

Do I, momentarily, feel like a healthy, well-rounded, able to carry on a conversation sort of person?

YES!

So no ... I don't feel guilty.

p.s. Feeling normal again also makes me miss my kids :( I really would like some snuggle time with them. I saw clothes in Gap Kids that would look great on them.

Labels: *E*, *J*, beloved, europe, exercise, weekends

posted by Zuska @ 1:27 PM 0 comments

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Sunday

Up at the crack of dawn again - only this time, I don't feel like going running. I went to the pool with the kiddos yesterday, and swam laps for 90 minutes. 90 minutes??!! What am I, insane? That was after running in the morning. Tomorrow, I'm going to join the gym (my free-student days are over), and will start going to the gym before BarBri, instead of running. I'm more productive at the gym.

I got out of the pool yesterday and found myself utterly exhausted. I somehow ended up with an extra kid (it had been 2, but the second was old enough to walk herself home earlier for a bday party), and so had to walk her home. My kids' bikes were at their house, so it wasn't so out of the way. But then she wanted to ride bikes with my kids, and her mom isn't the world's best at saying no. Since she ended up coming home with me, I guess either am I. Except when I said yes, her mom was going to bring the kids to the park (because it's her kid who just learned how to ride and needs an adult to feel safe -- not mine), but then last minute, she bailed.

So I brought Harry Potter 6 and some water bottles to a bench in the park. I was too exhausted to work on Torts, anyway.

Then I called my brother and his wife, who I hadn't talked to since I went to visit their baby in CT a MONTH ago.

My mom's been pushing me to go to CT either this weekend (too late!) or next. The only thing that makes me want to is so I can see the baby. But I just don't have time. It stinks when you don't have time to do something like "see a baby" b/c they're only little for a short time! If I don't see the baby until after my trip to Europe (which will be the case unless they come here), he will be almost 4 months old! That's a very different baby than I saw when he was 3 days old.

My Sister In Law said she wants to come here, though, even if it's just for dinner. So maybe I'll get to see him.

Then kid's mom came to pick up her kid, and I ended up bringing her and her kid into the house for dinner. This house which I never have time to clean b/c I'm always studying for the bar.

Beloved wasn't too happy with me b/c 1) the house was a mess; and 2) he was hoping we'd have leftovers for lunches during the week. We aren't used to feeding the kids lunches at home. When they're in school, they eat school lunch (in our school where the push for all-natural and organic foods in the cafeteria makes this a reasonable option), or bring sandwiches from home. But now that they're home every day, we need to really feed them.

I nonetheless brought them home for dinner, and expect that Beloved will 1) get over it, and 2) find a way to become more flexible about bringing friends over. I have hesitated to have people over spontaneously for 3 years now because of the size of our place (tiny), and I'm really tired of it. I want to be walking down the street, run into a friend, and say, "hey! come on over for a cup of coffee!" without worrying that it's gonna piss someone off. So I need him to be more flexible.

The house, really, wasn't even that bad. It was a cluttered, but I swept through in 90 seconds and got the most unsightly taken care of (i.e., a pile of clean, unmatched socks on the living room floor, 3 pairs of shoes, a pile of BarBri answer sheets/books, and a pile of the kids' summer homework). Furthermore, I've been to many people's houses, and their day-to-day lives create the same kind of atmosphere. There are piles on tables, under tables, on counters. Dishes are often dirty in sinks, dirty clothes on bathroom floors. And they don't seem to give a shit.

I received a strange combination of genes from my parents. My mother is a neat-freak. She is the person who will take your cup of coffee from your HAND in order to clean it and put it away. She spent so much time cleaning when I was young, I was convinced that she cared more about cleaning than she did about me.

I somehow responded by having an anti-cleaning gene. That cup of coffee can sit on the floor next to the couch all damned-day without phasing me.

UNLESS

we're having people over (planned guests, this is understandable, it's the quick stop-by guests, or the kids' play-dates or the cable guy that makes me think I'm a bit off). Then - BAM! I need absolute perfection. I want the floors polished, every dish sparkling, every child and/or husband's possession in its place, out of my living room, and shiny. I start looking at places I didn't know existed, and I want them perfect. Under the couch, the side of the fridge that's against the wall, the underneath of the kitchen sink.

And so, if things aren't that way, I feel like I can't have anyone in my house.

I so need to hire someone next year. Although, again, the size of the place embarrasses me, and it seems like too much to ask someone to try and make sense of it all.

Labels: apartment, babies, beloved, friends, weekends

posted by Zuska @ 7:05 AM 4 comments

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Plays and Puberty

J had a play this weekend. My mom came into town to see it, and Beloved and I went twice. E was going to come last night and miss today (due to the final softball game of the year), but then she ended up going to see Pirates 3 with friends last night, and so she left 1/2 way through her softball game today.

After school on Friday, E was picked up by a friend and went straight to a birthday party which was a sleepover. She was home for a few hours on Saturday, but then went to the movies with 3 other friends. She was dropped off at the site of J's play, and we left from there to a dessert restaurant, and were not home until 9:30. Today, E had cello and softball and then J's play.

So when friends asked us to go to dinner iwth them, I took into account my own exhaustion (see all that up there? Add in 4 hours of bar study per day and very early a.m. wake ups in order to fit it all in) as well as E's increasing grumpiness when I said no. J had tears initially, but by the time we walked home, we'd all come to terms iwth the fact that the best decision was definitely to come home.

Until.

J's friend called again to see if maybe, please, could just J have dinner with them? Beloved and I had a powow, and decided yes, just J *could* have dinner with them.

E cried. It's not fair. I love J better, b/c she's the youngest. I overcompensate J for being the youngest, thinking E gets everything, but instead giving J everything. Why did I buy J flowers for her play? I must love her better. Life is so unfair. Why do I keep telling E she is grouchy and overtired when she is not, it's not her, it's ME (i.e., MOM) who is the problem .... blah blah blah.

I went to give her a hug, and after holding her on my lap for a minute, forcefully told her she had to get in the shower NOW. I immediately, upon hearing the water turn on, went to the internet, and found what I was looking for:

As you enter puberty, the puberty hormones affect the glands that are under your arms and cause you to have "body odor." This is normal and everybody gets it, it can be more intense for some teens, and often you are just unlucky if you have a problem with body odor, but check out that link.

and then:

Many teens DO sweat more when they are growing or while their hormones are still fluctuating.

Phew. But then, the very next paragraph?

Hormones are also responsible for the emotional changes that take place during puberty. You may feel confused, have emotional outbursts, feel sad, or have strong emotions or mood that change quickly. You might be overly sensitive or easily lose your temper. There are those crazy hormones working on you again.

Yeah, no shit.

Labels: *E*, *J*, parenting, weekends

posted by Zuska @ 10:00 PM 0 comments

Monday, June 04, 2007

Monday's Lookin' Up

I am feeling a little bleary-eyed-tired, since I woke at 5:50 again to running - despite the pouring rain a la Tropical Storm Barry (or his remnants). That was fun. I was the only one on the reservoir, which I love. Running/exercising is my solo-time, and the more solo, the better.

My back feels 10x better. There are tiny little twinges now and again - but it was a-okay during the run, and I slept great.

I don't feel too behind on bar prep stuff anymore. I think I need to go through some of last week's material to fill in my notes/future note-cards with my states' specifics, but it's okay. I'm not too behind.

Woo hoo for 3 days of Evidence [note the sarcasm].

Labels: bar prep, exercise, weather, weekends

posted by Zuska @ 7:54 AM 1 comments

Sunday, June 03, 2007

I am a Studier

Okay - I'm feeling better. J rubbed my back, Beloved gave me Motrin, and I had a hot shower with a massaging, pulsating flow of water. It is not perfect, and I worry about tonight. I don't want to be up all night again and in such pain in the a.m. that I will be in tears while lugging 17 giant books to my class.

I have had some success in my day's studying. I did my first round of practice questions, and am pleased with my 84% accuracy thus far. I clearly don't know the elements of burglary (but can learn them), and felt tricked on the double jeopardy question. But that was only one that I found to be tricky. I hate tricky. I don't mind hard. Hard makes me feel like, "oh, I need to study more," but tricky? Tricky makes me feel like, "Those bastages! Why do they want people to fail???"

Tonight, I have to look at a few essays, and preview Evidence for tomorrow. Which means I have at least 3 hours of work in front of me, still.

My family is utterly exhausted. E just returned home from an all day bday party; J got home at 1-ish, and is practically in a coma, she's so tired. Beloved is exhausted, and I'm exhausted-but-I-can't-be, and still have more to do.

One thing that is kind of bothering me - I'm not sure I'll ever again have time for sex. Time or energy. That's depressing.

Labels: *E*, *J*, bar prep, beloved, weekends

posted by Zuska @ 6:31 PM 1 comments

Woman on the Verge ....

Yeah, I think I may have a nervous breakdown.

J's party went well. Beloved ran the tie-dye station, and he was utterly amazing. He used to teach art in high schools and middle schools, and it really showed. He was so organized, and prepared, and did a fantastic job. I was very impressed.

We ended up staying at our friends' house until after 10, and left J there. We had to make a bargain with her and her BFF that if they would not insist on sitting next to each other and having each other for partners the entire time (remember, it was a joint birthday party - our thinking was that if they were stuck to each other like glue, then it wouldn't be fun for the other kids, who would want to be with the "birthday girl"), then they could have a sleepover.

Honestly, that's not the kind of bargain I usually make with my kids. But I wasn't the only mom in the room or the situation. I usually say, "Either you be a good hostess and participate equally with all of your guests, or you will not only have no party next year, but you will also miss the other birthday parties that are coming up this year." Instead, she got a sleepover with her BFF. And more --- they're off getting manicures this morning! Geez. That's some birthday weekend!

The prep for the party, though, really took it out of me. We left there late last night, and got home with only E, who was upset about a movie she'd seen at a different friend's house that had to do with a father and child reconciling after years of a difficult relationship. She was upset that she doesn't think she can reconcile with her father ... that it's "impossible." That opened up a giant can of worms, and those worms grew to the size of the biggest snakes in the entire universe - not only the universe in reality, but the universe of all imaginations everywhere. Which means a lto of stuff got dredged up, and I ended up in bed at midnight, tossing and turning with angst over the situation.

I just f ind myself on hte verge of tears this morning. I woke up on Friday with a slight tweak in my back, along my left shoulder blade. IT wasn't too bad ... but then when I got in bed Friday night, I found it hurting a lot. It's an odd pain in that it hurts most when I'm lying down. I woke up on Saturday with severe pain, now on both sides of my spine, next to both shoulder blades, and a shitty night's sleep, b/c every time I turned my head or tried to roll over, the pain twinged.

Last night, it was worse, and this a.m., I'm having a hard time doing most normal tasks. Including moving my head or arms.

I also am awake to the realization that I should spend the entire day doing BarBri stuff, that I'm behind, and that it sucks.

I just feel like all the stress of the past 2 weeks is manifesting itself in my shoulders and my tear ducts, and I kind of want to hide under a rock and dissolve.

It probably doesn't help that waking at 7 with the little ones yesterday, and then at 8 to bring E to a make up cello lesson today resulted in no exercise this weekend. Sure, I could go for a run now, instead of studying for the bar exam. While unable to move my arms or my head. But I think I'm better off studying.

I was going to go to the library today to do my work, but J has a project due this week, and I'm supposed to help her with that, and I am not sure I can just disappear.

Groan moan groan cry ow.

Labels: bar prep, birthdays, exercise, family, health, stress, weekends, whining

posted by Zuska @ 11:29 AM 7 comments

Friday, June 01, 2007

Calgon? Is that stuff even on the market anymore?

I was thinking, "I'm gonna call my friend J, and whine about how stressed I am." Then I thought, "Beloved's gonna call soon, I'm gonna whine to him about how stressed I am." Then I considered calling my mom, and whining to HER about how stressed I am. Then I thought, "why? I have a blog [for who knows how much longer], I'll whine to it about how stressed I am."

[quick aside: I hate the smell of cigarette smoke more than anything else in the world. I like the smell of skunks. I hate the smell of cologne ... but I hate the smell of cigarette smoke more. So when a collection of boys gather right outside my window and smoke like 17 packs of cigarettes, blowing their nasty-ass smoke into my general direction, I get pissy. I am just that pissy right NOW. At the same time, it gave me an excuse to close the windows and turn on the a/c, which I think was a good thing, since I just went into the bathroom and found two rather round and well-formed droplets of sweat on my face.]

I shouldn't get to complain, b/c despite my stress, I just found 20 minutes to sit at a friend's kitchen table and guzzle a glass of wine while hearing a very brief synopsis of relationship history.

But I am complaining anyway.

5:50 a.m.: Wake up; run around reservoir.
7:00 a.m.: Walk in front door, check on E's morning routine progress; usher kids toward proper clothing and breakfast consumption.
7:30 a.m.: sign a flurry of school notices due to be returned TODAY, or else children will shatter, crack, and likely die.
7:45 a.m.: say bye to children.
7:45:05 a.m.: get in shower
8:14 a.m.: Smile at myself in the mirror in my new [smaller] skirt and cute shoes.
8:25 a.m.: Leave for BarBri
9:10 a.m.: Arrive at BarBri; commence guilty feelings for not finishing the condensing of my notes last night; listen in dread to the lists of tasks completed by my classmates while i was attending "Fun Night" at the kids' elementary school, and helping J with her latest school project, due next Weds., but creating stress now.
9:30 a.m.: Watch video about the torture that will be the MBE Exam.
10:00 a.m.: Think, "Oh my God, I cannot listen to Professor [??] Kaufman talk about Agency and Partnership for more than 3 minutes, b/c his voice and mannerisms are going to make my brain detach from my spinal cord ... or something.
10:10 a.m.: Find myself laughing at Professor Kaufman, and realize that his "performance" is clearly calculated to create triggers in our pathetic brains.
1:10 p.m.: Run out of class to the T station where I am forced to wait until
1:30 p.m.: Get on Train
1:50 p.m.: Arrive in parking garage where zipcar is parked; freak out because parking pass thingy is not in car where it's supposed to be, and I cannot get out of the garage b/c I don't have an entry ticket, b/c I came on foot, and paying for parking without an entry ticket will likely cost upwards of $400 [the monthly fee].
1:52 p.m.: Call Zipcar and think about how utterly helpless they are, try to remember how helpful they were on Monday, wonder why they say, "well, if no one there can help you, call us back" - why? Why not just do whatever it is you would do if I called you back NOW??
1:53 p.m.: Leave garage after pushing "help" button and asking the man to lift the gate. [yeah, that was hard. I'm a dork. As we all know.]
2:03 p.m.: Arrive at public library, 30 feet from elementary school, figure out how to put top down on the Mini named Mim; realize it's too fucking hot for the top to be down, and that I wasted $2/hour on a fancy-pants car when all I really want is a/c.
2:04 p.m.: See E, call her to the car.
2:07 p.m.: Get home, call store to see if shirts are in; make list of items to purchase for tomorrow's bday party.
2:14 p.m.: Leave house.
2:30 p.m.: Arrive at Target, realizing that I have eaten nothing but 2 golf-ball sized nectarines and 20 cherries all day. Realize that I have a headache. Realize that I may pass out.
2:45 p.m. Call other mom who's doing this bday party; run choices by her; get new assignments of things to purchase.
2:55 p.m.: Tell E "sure, go ahead and grab a bag of Peanut M&M's"
3:15 p.m.: Get back in car, having all necessary items (except plain M&Ms, meant for the party, but Target ran out, b/c M&Ms were "buy one get one free"), decide to take E to an art store to get a bday gift for her friend's party which is on Sunday, and to stop at Starbucks for a caffeine-free Frappucino for her, and a venti icey non-fat sugar-less coffee for me.
3:25 p.m.: Realize that I'd eaten entirely too many peanut M&Ms.
3:45 p.m.: Feel a sense of pride at speedy errands as I checked out at the art store and wondered if there's still time for a Stop & Shop run to get ingredients for cookies which I Promised 9 year old's I'd make with them tonight during sleep over extravaganza.
4:15 p.m.: Arrive at home; drop off Target bags and E; look up cookie recipes; make list.
4:30 p.m.: Drop off Zipcar; walk to Stop & Shop; call dr.'s office on the way to make appointments for girls' annual physicals.
4:50 p.m.: Call E, tell her I'm on my way home, and that she needs to do her cello practice; clean her room, and pack her overnight bag so I can drop her off at her friend's house on my way to meet J at soccer where J will be dropped off after acting class, because I need to bring J her cleats, etc.
4:53 p.m.: Receive phone call from E's friend's mom [potential new friend] who wants to "stop by" b/c she's driving past the house and she'll just wait for E while E packs bag. I freak out, tell Potential New Friend that my home is not fit for Human Viewing, and that she cannot come to my house, that I will bring E to her .... later. Potential New Friend informs me that i am, in fact, a freak, and now she wants to be my friend even more. he he he.
5:00 p.m.: Arrive home, scurry around the house picking up, putting away eggs [yes, in that order], coaching E through cello practice; making phone calls re: thunder and lightning and their potential effect on soccer practice and alternate plans for J, who can't be dropped off at home while I'm dropping off E.
5:20 p.m.: Leave house with E.
5:30 p.m.: Arrive at Potential New Friend's House. She pours me a glass of wine. I sit. After sitting for literally 4 minutes, cell phone rings with Alternate Plan Mom [also co-bday party mom] saying, "Can I bring the 9 year olds to your house now?" I somehow put her off for "ten minutes"
5:45 p.m.: Finally leave New Friend's house; practically jog (still in pretty new smaller skirt) to my own house, calling Other Mom saying, "okay!! Bring them over now!" Just hoping that I'll get there before her so I don't have to tell her that I chose to sit and have a glass of wine instead of meeting her at my house 15 minutes ago.
6:00 p.m.: 9 year olds get dropped off. I clean a little, e-mail a little, sweat a little, smell a little cigarette smoke, usher 9 year olds and their damned recorders into the bedroom and close the door, and eventually kick them outside once thunder and lightning are gone and sun is back so they can kick the soccer ball.
6:15 p.m. I write this post.

I still have to do a lot. Beloved's at the store (after work) getting stuff for veggie nachos (veggie in honor of our Kosher 9 year old friend, b/c she can't have the meat and cheese together, and I'd rather give up the meat than the cheese ... although I'd also like meat. I guess Beloved could have cooked it up separate, and just sprinkled it on MY nachos. Damn. I wonder if he'll think of that? This is the kind of thing that he always thinks of. I sit here thinking, "oh, too bad I didn't tell him that," and then he comes home with the same thing in mind, and I gush over how wonderful he is, and how we were clearly made for each other, and that he is truly my soul mate, b/c he read my mind, and made my life perfect.)

I have to make cookies. And I have to make a play list. And I wish I saved this cute new skirt for tomorrow at the party ... but I did not.

Uh, Blogger's having an outage in 2 minutes. I better publish this, and go clean more.

Labels: *E*, *J*, bar exam, bar prep, beloved, birthdays, chaos, friends, housework, parenting, rain, soccer, studies, weather, weekends, whining, zipcar, Zuska the Dork

posted by Zuska @ 6:26 PM 3 comments

Monday, May 28, 2007

Zuska the Dork, v2

Last week I shared a story of me being a dork. Today is the second installment.

We went to the beach. We had fun. We took the zipcar. When we got to the beach, I locked the car, using the handy-dandy zipcard. You need to scan the card on a card reader on the car in order to lock and unlock the car. The car key - the normal kind which goes inside the ignition - is always IN the car. It's not how you lock the doors. I was nervous this weekend at my parents' house, b/c I washed my zipcard. I left it in my shorts pocket, and then threw my shorts into the washer at the end of the day, and the card got washed. I'm certain this was at least the second time, but I was still relieved when the card worked afterward.

So, the beach we went to was a little weird. We'd never been to this one before. It has a shelf which extends pretty far out. When we arrived, it was low tide, and the water was soooo far out from the high tide line, it was strange. We set up our chairs and blankets relatively far down the beach, but still were far from the water. Too far to let the girls run off on their own. So I went with them. I had my shorts on, and didn't see the point in taking them off, because even people who were 1/4 mile out were only submerged to their knees. So we went frolicking.

Eventually, the water got deep enough that it was threatening to wet my shorts. I hopped up on a sandbar and took the shorts off, and just laid them across my shoulder, trying to be careful not to lose my Burt's Bees lip balm out of the pocket. We spent a good bit of time in the water, and then went back to Beloved (who was guarding our stuff on the beach), and he and I switched positions - I sat guarding and reading, and he went into the water with the kids.

While we were sitting there, I thought, "where did I put the zipcard?" I checked my purse. No. I checked the food bag. No. I checked the beach bag. No. I checked my shorts pocket. No. I thought, "well, when we were leaving the car, and J had to pee, I probably just handed it to Beloved." I looked in his wallet. No. I checked the pockets of his bag. No. Shit.

I tried to forget about it, and just read my book until Beloved and the girls returned, but I was too preoccupied. I went and met them (1/2 a mile toward the ocean, it felt like), and asked him, "do you have the Zipcard?" No.

I called Zipcar, and said, "Um, hi. I'm in the middle of a reservation, and we used the car to go to the beach, and I lost my card in the ocean." Because I must have put it in my butt pocket, as per usual, and not noticed when it fell out as I flung my shorts over my shoulder.

FORTUNATELY, Zipcar was able to remotely open the car, and then switch the reservation over to Beloved's card (which was in his wallet).

And also FORTUNATELY, Beloved didn't berate me once. He wasn't agitated or frustrated in the slightest. He just sort of sat there chatting with the girls while I called Zipcar, and then 1/2 chuckled out me as he was getting into the car. That's it. Even though this is a habit of mine that he hates with a passion.

And our afternoon continued to be fantastic. We always have great car rides. I love driving with him, and with the girls. J dozed after the frolicking, and E was listening to a book on tape. Beloved and I listened to The Black Crowes and talked about whether or not we could get a beach house over in this part of the state. Just a bare hour away from the city, but remote and beautiful. Seems like a good place for a second home. Too bad it costs so damned much. I think we'll keep looking at Vermont at first.

Labels: beach, kids, weekends, zipcar, Zuska the Dork

posted by Zuska @ 7:55 PM 0 comments

Beach!!

I'm excited. We discovered last night that I screwed up our Zipcar reservation. I meant to return it at 10 this morning, but accidentally reserved it until TONIGHT at 10 p.m. Oops. We found out last night, when Beloved went to park it in its spot and found another car there ... he called to find out what to do and heard that we have it until 10 p.m. I tried to change it, but because it was so late and already into the reservation, if I had changed it, they still would have charged me the $67. So I kept it, thinking maybe we'll want to run an errand or something today.

But now, E is home from a sleepover, Beloved is making potato and macaroni salad for our Memorial Day Dinner, and we were sort of wondering what we'd do with the day. There was a light bulb over my head when I put the two pieces together. We have a car. It's a gorgeous day. We live in a coastal state! Woo hoo!!

So we're gonna go to the beach! I hope to return with photos of gorgeous girls frolicking in freezing cold water.

Labels: summer, weekends

posted by Zuska @ 12:44 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Home!

Well, honestly, the baby (C) is very very cute, and I'm glad I went. Once again, I found my sister-in-law to be quite endearing and much more "real" than when she's in the presence of my parents. My brother said something as I was leaving that made me wonder how much my mother is in the middle of our conversations [although he doesn't get off that easy]: "Z, call me when you leave town -- don't just let Mom call and assume I know you left!"

Which is one of my complaints about him - the assumption that my mom is passing knowledge all around, and releasing him from the need to have any conversations with me directly.

I am glad I went today. I am mostly glad because I got to be there with my brother, his wife and the baby without my parents in the room. They came later in the day (I had left and then went back), and it really was very different. Very different.

I am still not thrilled about the prospect of going back this weekend. I am still thinking it over - can I do this again? Should I? Do I want to? It's not an easy drive, and I sort of kind of have a life here. Sort of. Kids, and a husband, and friends with whom I've made plans. That sort of thing. A birthday party to plan (next Saturday) with a friend. Birthday parties to bring kids to, and to shop for. You know. Life.

Labels: babies, brother, weekends

posted by Zuska @ 11:24 PM 0 comments

Monday, May 21, 2007

The Ham

E was in a play this weekend with her community theater program. It was an adaptation of Shakespeare's 12th Night, which I will admit I had zero familiarity with. E's part was pretty small - she was part of the very adapted "chorus." They were a goofy troupe of actors, re-enacting the play in a humorous manner every now and again when it was assumed that the audience was left confused by either the intracacies of the plot, or the oversimplification of the plot necessary to the adaption for 9-12 year olds to perform the play.

E seems to have been pegged a ham. She is funny. She has no problem over-acting, and she's very charismatic. She had a slightly hammy part in Peter Pan - she was the little brother Michael.

People love her. They love her smile and her exuberance and her ability to get lost in her part. She's really very adorable up on stage. VERY adorable. (She might be getting too old for that word to accurately describe her.) I don't understand where her comfort on stage comes from. Sure as hell not from me. She has no problem forgetting that there is an audience, and just going with it.

I got so many compliments about her after both productions - sometimes, I don't know how to handle them. It feels sort of trite when someone says, "E was so great! She's such a natural!" for me to say, "oh, L was fantastic, too! I loved her song!" I feel like I'm reading lines in a play myself. One person even said to me, "Zuska, E was so fantastic, I swear, I could see her on Broadway one day!" and to that, I just laughed.

We went out to dinner after last night's play at our local Vietnamese place. It was delicious, and we all ate a ton of FANTASTIC food, and I had a basil martini. I love drinks with basil in them. Yummy.

Unfortunately, on Saturday night between the productions, E ended up upset with X again. Notice, there are no posts about him being in town. He did not come. Last I spoke with him, he said he'd "try" - but that he didn't have much notice [it was last weekend ... but we told him about it in March, too]. She ended up upset about her entire relationship with him, and was complaining about how awkward she feels with him, and how she always feels like he's just "pretending" and that he's like an "actor."

Yet again --- she is seeing on her own one of the reasons why her father and I are no longer together, and once again, I'm feeling badly for her that she can't walk away as I did.

Labels: *E*, acting, weekends, X

posted by Zuska @ 9:07 AM 0 comments

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Nothing so pretty as dark storm clouds

There's a thunderstorm brewing. It's very pretty to see as it's moving toward us. Beloved is likely less amused, as he's pedaling up toward Whole Foods hoping he can shop faster than thunder and lightning can travel. I was just outside chatting with a friend coming to pick up one of his kids and one of mine, and noticed that the temp felt at least 15 degrees cooler than 30 minutes previous, when I was running around the reservoir. Mmmm. Summer-time weather. Hot and sunny one minute and chilled and dark the next.

Feels like a crazy day, but is really just another typical weekend day with girls the ages of mine with vibrant social lives. J was supposed to have soccer this a.m., but it was thankfully canceled due to saturated fields. Thankfully because without thinking, I'd invited a friend over straight after, and the house (especially the girls' room, which is their job) needed some attention. I was up at 7 to check on the fields, and then laid into the kitchen. Man, I went nuts. I scrubbed and threw away and cleared surfaces and drawers that hadn't been cleared in [forever]. I'm proud of my work. I now need to venture to Bed, Bath and Beyond to get a couple of last organizational tools -- a silverware organizer for the drawer that used to be the "junk drawer;" some bins [I love bins] for on top of the fridge, to collect take-out menus (my best friends) and other odds and ends that accumulate (since I no longer have a junk drawer) - which I will promise to put away each time the bin fills (Beloved is snarfing at me as he reads this, I guarantee it). Stuff like that.

Friends came by while this was going on, caught me up on some of what I missed at a party last night,* dropped off their kid, and impulsively took one of mine. I then finished my cleaning and organizing while the younger girls played and Beloved .... I don't know what he did. But then Beloved and I took the girls for a walk - got them some lunch, got me some coffee, and then went to the bank because Beloved and I decided to take a major step and open a joint bank account!!! We had a long-ish wait, so we took the girls to a very fun game and puzzle store in town. They were excellent everywhere.

Then Beloved and I shoved them out to the park and we went hunting for plane tickets to Europe. Ugh. Things aren't so great in that department, but they'll be fine. We'll just have to come home with fewer goodies.

Then I went for a run, and when I got back, the girls were picked up and Beloved went to the store, and I'm home alone! How fun! I actually have to go and write a 1-2 page memo to go with my IP assignment. It's due Monday. I can't blow it off like I've blown off outlining, which is really not officially due ever.

*This was an entire post that I wrote out last night. It touched on how I feel overwhelmed when confronted with the possibility of changing plans, and it discussed the reasons why I chose to stay home from this particular party, and the reasons why it was important to me that I stick to my reasons ... I don't think I articulated in that lost post that I was also quite honored that 2 friends were really unhappy to hear I wasn't going, and tried to change my mind ... but I was also overwhelmed. It was a good post, and I liked it. But as I was looking for a reference link, Firefox just kind of :::::: poof :::::::: disappeared on me. And I lost the whole post. I thought later perhaps that was good, because the post also had some bitterness in it, bitterness about my itty bitty apartment, and some honesty as to the jealousy that I feel toward those who have magazine-worthy homes. And that bitterness is lost now. But so is some fun dreaming about my future laundry room and my future in-home office.

Labels: friends, kids, law school, life, weather, weekends

posted by Zuska @ 4:37 PM 0 comments

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Spring is in the air! Yeah!

I may have a sunburn on my face. I feel like I do.

It's 75 degrees!!

I woke in time to go to the gym, but turned that down in favor of running around the lake - it was too nice out to go inside to get my exercise. It was so crowded at the lake, it was almost hard to run.

E started softball today, and J missed her first day of soccer yesterday, but will start Friday. I spent a good portion of the day driving around in the nice weather, and then sitting at the softball field while the 4th and 5th graders tried to find their softball grooves again.

We let Chessie out today, too. I let him out this a.m. -- first time since October, I believe -- and he showed up at the window approx. 10 minutes later, meowing and shaking. He went back out a few more times throughout the day, and now seems to be back to his old self.

It's supposed to stay nice tomorrow - even to hit 83! Wow. Fortunately I'm riding my bike early enough in the a.m., and late enough in the p.m., that I won't be riding while it's 83. I don't like riding when it's 83. I don't mind that it is going to be 83, though.

By the end of the week, it's supposed to be back to the low 50's. I don't want it to do that. I want it to stay warm. I prefer the high 60's and low 70's.

Labels: softball, weather, weekends

posted by Zuska @ 6:40 PM 0 comments

Home sweet home - with girls in tow

We're back, they're back - everything's back to normal. Phew!

I didn't have a bad time at my parents' house, I found it to be relatively stress free. I think Beloved didn't fully agree, since my parents are sort of taking off their "company faces" with him, and showing their true bickering selves.

My dad really cracks me up. When we were there last weekend, he was in bed watching television, and my mom and I were hanging out down the hall in the living room. I really forget the reason, but she called him, "HONEEEEEYYYY!!" and he yelled back, "WHAT???!" and she yells back, "COME HERE!" (very maternal in tone, too). I heard him sigh and go, "fuuu-uuuuuck" as he got out bed. I just cracked up hysterically, b/c he's my dad. He's mr. religion. He's not supposed to say that kind of thing (I suppose he's not supposed to go through a bottle of Tanqueray gin every few days, either, but that gets overlooked as well). My mom didn't hear him, because I think a) she's getting old, and b) there's kind of a lot of weirdness going on in her head that she has to really focus on, to the exclusion of things going on outside of her head. She didn't understand why I was laughing.

We had a few "issues" come up, too, where the political tensions were on the verge of heating up between my dad and myself (Beloved won't engage, but he's definitely on my side of things). First, my dad brought up the Imus issue. He said, "well, what gets me is that everything he said is true, people just don't like the words he used to say them." I said, "dad! you don't know anything about those girls' sex lives!" Because it was the quickest thing that came to mind about "nappy-headed ho's" - although I quickly thought of the excellent article I read about why it's so deeply offensive for an African-American woman to be called "nappy-headed."

My dad was stunned -- why the hell was I talking about sex? He said, "what? who said anything about sex?" I said, "Dad! 'ho' means 'whore.'" "oooooooohhhhh!" he said, "I didn't know that."

Geez. He listens to these crazy right wing radio shows all day long while driving around in his truck - I can't believe he's just been nodding along with them, thinking "ho" meant "girl" or something. I mean, jesus christ.

I couldn't touch on the fact that he is, in fact, a racist. My mom already made him drop it, and it jsut upsets me to confront the reality that my dad is a racist.

As much as my brother's homophobia/hatred bothered me later in the evening.

The other issue was around gun control. I've been talking about gun control over at a friend's house lately -- funny thing is at my dad's house, I was arguing against the gun control he was advocating. He said he just doesn't understand why the Virginia Tech shooter was able to buy a gun. Why? Because he wasn't a citizen, but rather a legal alien. I don't know if that's true. I can't find anything on a quick google search, and I'm not inclined to spend hours looking deeper -- b/c it doesn't matter. My dad meant "because he wasn't born here," so it really doesn't matter whether he was here as a legal alien or as a citizen - he was here legally. I was upset by that - and said, "dad, you know a lot of people who weren't born here, and I'm sure that many of them would be very responsible with a gun, just because this boy snapped does not mean that people who aren't born here shouldn't have the same rights as you." And it's true. My dad has a few friends who moved here later - some from New Zealand, some from China - and I know he would never for a moment think they couldn't be trusted with a gun.

I think that's it. I can't remember any other debates. They do all get carried out in a very reasonable manner -- and my dad is the one to bring things up every single time. "So, what did you think about Imus?" I actually try to deflect him from the issues. I succeeded for a while in getting us all to talk about how long Imus was on the air, rather than about the events of 2 weeks ago.

Now we're home, though. And we don't typically debate. The girls are tired but happy, and I am ready to face yet another week scrambling to get by on the tiny amount of reading I find myself capable of this quarter. I'm also anxious for my bar loan check to come. Ever since last summer, I don't feel comfortable when my bank balance is under $1,000, and right now, it is. by kind of a good bit.

Labels: parents, politics, weekends

posted by Zuska @ 6:17 PM 2 comments

Monday, April 16, 2007

Oh. The Laziness!!

I can't even believe I'm about to state this publicly. I got out of bed at 11:45 today. 11:45 a.m.

What the hell? I haven't done that since college.

The kids are gone, which often sinks me into a funk for a couple of days.

I also slept until 11 yesterday, but that's because I had to finish sleeping off the alcohol from the night before, or I'd have had a wretched day.

Can I also use the excuse that I rarely get more than 5 hours of sleep a night, so I needed to catch up?

Beloved and I went to sleep last night around 2 a.m. So I slept 9.5 hours. If I had gone to bed at 10, and got up at 7:30 - I wouldn't feel bad. Right? But we are night owls. We saw a movie (Volver, which I loved) until 12:15 or so, then talked, then [we interrupt this program to avoid sharing too much].

It helps that today's a holiday - Patriot's Day in good old New England. Also known as Marathon Monday. We woke just in time to watch the winners cross the finish line, and hear the Russian and Ethiopian national anthems. I am sipping a cup of coffee, and will then head out to the gym.

Because I am very motivated of late because it seems like finally my work is paying off, and I'm feeling less fat.

After the gym comes school work. I was considering staying at school to type up my bar application, but I'm really not certain school is open, so I don't want to bring my stuff over, and I have a lot of free time tomorrow, so I think I'll do it then instead.

Having a Monday off is very nice for my week. I only have one class to read for tomorrow, and it's over at 9:30 a.m. I then have the entire day (and a non-weekend day, too) to get stuff done for Wednesday. I will try and get 2 classes' of reading done today, and make tomorrow even freer.

I also have to cook tomorrow night ... but there's no kids. So we can eat whenever the hell we want, and picking the kids up isn't one of the pieces of tomorrow's puzzle. That part of them being gone is nice. But it doesn't balance out the bad.

Labels: exercise, law school, weekends

posted by Zuska @ 12:14 PM 1 comments

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Yesterday

I had a very full day yesterday. There was kid drama, ex drama, ex-in-law NONdrama (although I still have things to complain about), and then fun drama in the form of laughter, stories, and a few tears at a friend's bday party, at which I had a LOT to drink (but less than others), and had a really good time.

I wanted to post about the kid drama. I was writing the post in my head yesterday as I was driving home from my parents' house. But now I don't feel like it. It feels like it's in the past, and I am slightly hung over, and I have taxes to do, and a bar application to complete and school work to read --- perhaps even IP to outline.

It's awful outside, and Beloved and I are cozy inside, each at our computers in separate rooms, but circling around each other now and then to share bits and pieces of thoughts and things we read that we think the other will find interesting. It's peaceful, and nice.

Labels: weather, weekends

posted by Zuska @ 3:24 PM 0 comments

Monday, April 09, 2007

Weekend's Over

Well, Easter Sunday was another non-holiday for us non-religious folks. Beloved and I both got the girls some candy (I got them bunnies, he got them a crapload of other stuff), and he got eggs and dye -- but they weren't up for the dye-ing and the decorating.

All they wanted to do was play with their Tamapoopy and watch Star Trek. I kicked them out of the house for a while to play outside, but otherwise, it was a pretty laid-back day. I went for a run, Beloved made his first pasta since Ash Wednesday (yes, he was MUCH better than me). We had game night (Clue, again).

All in all, a nice, mellow day.

Oh yeah, and I finished my book.

Now I'm back at school, with my Securities Regulation book open, and my highlighter poised, trying --- trying --- to be a good student.

Fortunately, I'm short a class this week, which gives me time to read a little slower. With a little less stress, and after a little more time taken at the gym each morning.

Next week, I'm short two kids. They're spending time with their father in a different state, and Beloved and I are left on our own. I also get Monday off. It's "Patriots Day" and "Marathon Monday."

Our first spring here (2005), it was very warm out on Marathon Monday, and Beloved and I were wearing shorts. We wandered up to a main road right near our home, and were faced with Boston Marathon festivities. Meat carts, sidewalk sales, lawn chairs, etc. We strolled toward downtown, watching some of the front runners as they went through the last couple of miles of the marathon. One woman from Kenya passed out at my feet.

She was so skinny.

Then we went to an air conditioned theater and watched a movie. We took the T home.

Last year, I think Beloved had to work, and I did outlining or some such nonsense.

This year --- I don't know what we'll do. It probably wouldn't hurt me to start outlining IP (closed book exam ... OUCH). But it probably wouldn't hurt us to have another day of movies and Marathon-watching.

We shall see!!

Labels: law school, weekends

posted by Zuska @ 4:21 PM 0 comments

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Enjoy the Silence

Usually when I have time "off" I blog prolifically. Not this weekend. I think it's because I'm reading novels. What am I going to do? Blog about how Sara is a selfish bitch who ignores two of her children because she's so absorbed with the illness of her third, which somehow ends up being self-absorption, rather than the selfless type she fancies herself obsessed with? Yeah, I didn't think you cared about that. The book had me sobbing at the end -- even though it's my second reading of it!! The first was when it first came out, in 2004. We're reading it for bookgroup this month, and I meant to just "skim" to remind myself, but ended up reabsorbed into the story. Now I'm reading another novel - Life As We Knew It - it's another Young Adult book which Beloved devoured for work purposes, and highly recommended, knowing my love of "end of the world" stories.

Our Sunday morning includes Beloved and I watching Meet the Press while the girls whine and roll their eyes. One Sunday, after our show, Beloved (the cartoon fan) went to the Disney Channel to find out what was on. It was this ADORABLE show called Charlie and Lola. We were all intrigued by it, because it is clearly illustrated/created by the same person who wrote some books J enjoys. Once we stopped on it, we had to stay, because they talk with these adorable British accents, and they're very sweet.

This is how I saw the show: A little clever, spunky girl named Lola, approx age 4, and her much older sister, Charlie, who takes care of her seemingly all of the time and without parents, and is exceedingly patient, loving, and engaged with her little sister. Older sister is a little bit of a tomboy, and I found it cool how even her friend, Maeve, was so wonderful with little Lola and her friends.

Then, one day, i said, "Charlie is such a great big sister!" and everyone in the room looked at me like I was NUTSO. Nutso. What? Why are you all looking at me like that?"

Mom, Charlie is a boy.

Zuska, his name is Charlie.
Mom, he's her brother.

But... they have the same hair. And Charlie could just be Charlotte, you know, a tomboyish nickname for a girly-girl name. Because, well, she's just so kind, and patient.

Beloved was a wee affronted at that -- what? brothers can't be kind and decent to their little sisters?

Well, I've never seen it. Really.

I guess things are different in Great Britain. Brothers are kinder. And so are their friends ....uh, Marv.

I wasn't so quick to agree, but in the very next episode, Charlie and Lola pretended to switch places, and instead of Charlie saying, "I have a little sister named Lola, she's very small and very funny," (the opening line of the show) Lola said, "I have a little brother named Charlie, he's very small and very funny."

I was forced to agree. It took a while for me to adjust my view of the show. I'm okay with Charlie being a boy, now, though.

Lola is super-freaking cute, and it's fun to have this weekly throw back to the old days - watching Arthur and Sesame Street and other shows meant for little kids. Plus, the really fun British accent makes it even better.

Labels: books, television, weekends

posted by Zuska @ 11:29 AM 3 comments

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Zuska the Insane

Tomorrow is Good Friday. The girls' school decided that due to "low attendance" - they would close the doors. I find the cry of "low attendance" rather silly -- I know zero Christians at the girls' school. There are scores and scores of Jewish folks, and a few Unitarians, and then a bunch of "non-religious" sorts. I seriously think that they give Good Friday off just to make things appear even-Steven after Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashanah in October. But who are they doing it for? I am not sure. I mean, seriously - the churches in this town have been converted to CONDOS!! That's how NON Christian/Catholic/Episcopal we are around here.

J's "best friend" was looking for a place to spend the day, as her parents have plans. I reluctantly gave up my gym plans -- wherein Beloved and I agreed that the munchkins would hang out with him at work for an hour or so while I go and sweat some more. My friend had something to do that started earlier than would allow what Beloved and I had discussed, though, and she has helped me out in the past (like, when I had my oral argument for Appellate Advocacy last year - sort of important), and I was willing to do the same for her.

As it turns out, Beloved is having tooth issues, and ended up needing to be seen by a dentist on an emergency basis tomorrow morning - so our plans wouldn't have worked out anyway.

Well, I thought E should have something to do, too, so that she didn't spend the day whining at me that she was bored, and it wasn't fair that J got to have a friend over while E had nothing to do.

So she's having a friend over, too.

Have I mentioned that my apartment is small?

I think I will just hide in my bedroom - then some girls can have their bedroom, while others take over the living room.

And there's always the park.

Thank god for sunshine.

I still feel like I need to be wished much luck with tomorrow. Many girls - one adult. Yikes.

Labels: beloved, exercise, friends, kids, weekends

posted by Zuska @ 10:41 PM 0 comments

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Redemption

On Friday, I came up with a new weekend schedule. It involved sleep and exercise, because the old patterns weren't working. This was the old pattern:

Stay up late on Friday night with Beloved; sleep as late as possible on Saturdays (typically 9 or 9:30, when the "can ___ come over for a playdate?" phone calls start rolling in); stay up late on Saturdays with Beloved; sleep RIDICULOUSLY late on Sundays (i.e., 10 or 10:30); stay up late on Sundays, despite my presence in bed, tossing and turning and wishing I were asleep, with the knowledge that I have to be up early on Monday; wake up early on Monday, and spend the day miserably tired.

Note that there is no exercise in there --- not just because the above paragraph tends to talk more about sleep patterns, but because I typically start off a weekend with good intentions, but find my time full without fitting it in. My weekends are full of good and important things, so I generally don't beat myself up about it too much. Things like time with kids; housework; time with kids; school work (ha!); cello lessons; time with kids; transporting kids; time with Beloved; plays; time with kids; etc.

Friday, though, I thought I would try something that would hopefully get exercise into the weekend AND adjust the sleep patterns.

I thought - stay up late on Friday night with Beloved; sleep late on Saturday a.m.; do not even TRY to exercise on Saturday - it's a day off. Enjoy doing other things without guilt.

Stay up late on Saturday with Beloved (or in this weekend's case - out with friends); but GET UP EARLY on Sunday - I was thinking not too early - perhaps 7:30 or 8. Still later than during the week, but early enough that I could ride the bike to the gym, work out, ride the bike home, and still be back in time to start the day with the kids (they sleep later, and often wake up and just read for an hour or so on the weekends).

That way, I'd be tired on Sunday instead of Monday, and be able to get into bed early on Sunday without difficulty.

Unfortunately ----

Even though I felt invigorating by my pants and skirts last night ---

I got up at 9:45.

And since E and I had to leave for cello lessons at 11:30 -- There was no time to go to the gym.

While E was getting ready for cello, a friend of hers called and asked her to go with her and her family to the movies. (This time to Meet the Robinsons -- Yesterday I took her to see The Last Mimzy.) She is the one who complains if I leave to work out on the weekends, and why I try to fit it in during the wee hours (by our family's standards). So I asked Beloved if he would mind if I took an hour out of the afternoon. He said no. J said no. They made plans to do other fun things together.

So I took E to her cello lesson, read IP in a Dunkin Donuts while she was musically edified, took her to her friend's house, walked home, took a few quizzes, and then went for a run.

It was interesting today, because I decided, in the interest of time, to do my old running route here at home, rather than go to the gym. We have intense stair paths, hilly roads, and a reservoir with a well-manicured path around it. The combination, I think, makes for a good, diverse work out.

I used to jog the stair paths, quickly walk the hilly sidewalks (mostly b/c I'm old and running on the root-ravaged sidewalks is sort of dangerous on a foot that has been twice injured), and then did one lap around the reservoir switching b/t walking and jogging.

TODAY, however, I changed it a wee bit. I ran around the reservoir - with no walking - TWICE. I really felt the difference in my abilities from my time in the gym this past month, and it felt great. The weather was wonderful (50 and sunny), and lots of people were out enjoying the day and some exercise. I was tempted to go around a third time, but was afraid E would call needing to be picked up, and the phone would ring into emptiness.

I am considering alternating b/t outdoors and the gym more often. I felt a different pull on my muscles being outside and doing real running, and it's likely good for me to keep it mixed up a bit.

Beautiful day!

Now I'm gonna go fuck it up with stupid laundry. And kitchen cleaning. Damn.

Labels: exercise, family, kids, weekends

posted by Zuska @ 3:20 PM 0 comments

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