Another Life Gone + Friendship

Been busy with stuff and work, so haven't had time/energy to blog or blog-hop. Just found out that my eldest cousin from mom's side passed away a few days ago at the age of 59 (my mom's the youngest of six and she got married late, thus the big age gap between me and this cousin). He left a wife and three children, the youngest of which had autism. I hope his wife can get all the help that she can to raise three children. Rest in peace, my cousin...and may God help your family! 

I was never close to this particular cousin because he was way older than me and we rarely met and talked to each other, but my mom used to babysit him and during the last few years, she's been close to him and his family. 


I've also heard lots of birth announcements this month in FB, so it's like a full circle of life...death announcements and birth announcements. Just imagine that somewhere in the world is grieving, whereas another one is rejoicing...someone is dying, another one is about to be born...

I went to my friend's husband funeral with another friend. It was a beautiful tribute, a celebration of life. During the car trip my friend and I talked about many different things, including friendship. What makes two people become friends? A common interest or a shared bond/role can help, but if the friendship doesn't develop any further than that, then it won't grow at all. You'll only get stuck at interacting at a certain level only.

This topic reminds me of a remark an emailpal once said to us when he met me and my friends. He said that we were all different, but yet we remained good friends. I think it's possible for different people to be friends as long as they're interested in each other's lives and they're investing (some time) into each other's lives. After all, one of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood (Seneca). 

I must admit that in the past I used to hold my friends (those closest to me) with a tight grip. Baaaddd idea! These days I've learnt to hold them with a gentle grip, cherishing the moment that they've spent with me, but I'm more ready to let them go.


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Sad NY Bang

The year started with a sad bang with the news of a friend's husband's passing. I read the news on the last day of 2014 and it definitely set the tone for my New Year. It's so hard to believe he's gone. He was a great man, husband, father, grandfather, and friend. I still remember the twinkles in his eyes when he made jokes, his voice, the way he smoked his cigarette, the Superman tattoo on his arm, the way he interacted with his family and his pets.

Today I'm lighting these candles to honor the memories of Mark Colebourn...you shall be missed greatly. Farewell, dear friend, be with the light now.


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Goodbye FIL!

Last night I found out that my father-in-law had passed away. I don't know the details yet, but the last time I visited him with MIL on Sunday, he was in a sad state. He had a hard time breathing and he couldn't even swallow yoghurt anymore. Couldn't sip a drink with a straw anymore. And he'd lost more weight. He's no more in pain and I'm glad for that, but I pray that MIL will get comfort and peace without any regrets. Mind you, MIL and FIL would have been married for 50 years soon.

Goodbye, father-in-law! You will be missed... 


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January's Circle of Life

January was quite a month for me. Three friends gave birth and there were also a few pregnancy announcements. However, there were also some health problems and two deaths: of an ex-elementary school friend and then a few days ago my cousin's husband passed away. We got married in the same year, though she and her hubby had their wedding a few months earlier than R2 and I did. They only had a chance to be married for seven years...R

Rest in peace, cousin's hubby. May God comfort my cousin and all the bereaved...


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The health problems suffered by some friends and a friend's mother aren't conclusive yet. That's probably why it feels like they drag on and on and on 'coz none of them knows what exactly is happening yet, though the diagnoses aren't good, but we still hope for the best while waiting for the results of another round of check-up for each of them.

The birth of the babies are definitely awesome and joyful, especially since the three of them had had problems before they finally conceived and had their babies last month, but still the deaths and health problems are on my mind more than the births.  

January reminds me of this song... 


 

P.S. It's been snowing A LOT these past few days. 

RIP My Friend

I'd like to light a virtual candle for a friend of mine who passed a way due to asthma a few days ago. She was a close friend of mine in elementary school, though after that we went our separate ways. It was really shocking to hear about her passing because I never knew she had asthma. Another friend in FB wrote about her passing and I was really shocked because it all happened so quickly. And I heard that she'd been preparing for her wedding this year. Can't imagine how the groom-to-be must feel...ugh...



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I remember that she and I used to write letters to each other when we got separated into different classrooms in fourth grade. Her aunt and my Mom used to pick us up from school, so we would ask them to give the letters back and forth. I don't remember anymore what we "talked about" in the letters, but I don't think this practice lasted very long.

In sixth grade we were finally in the same class again and we used to join in with another girl if there were any group tasks we had to do. Unfortunately we went to different schools after that, so we kinda lost contact with each other. We met again somewhere along the line, though the last time was probably a few years before I moved to Finland (so already a decade ago or so). A few years ago when I visited my hometown and organized a small gathering with my ex elementary school friends, she couldn't come because the date coincided with her brother's wedding and she had to help out, so she couldn't come. Just a few days prior to hearing about her passing, I was determined that the next time I visited Indo again, I just HAD to meet her. Well...not a chance now, unless after God calls me back home, too. 

But anyway, rest in peace, dear Devianne...may the Lord comfort all the bereaved... 

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. - Psalm 34:18 

When Tragedy Strikes

*cross-posted with my infertility blog*

The day after I received news about my Dad's death, I felt this urge to tell the whole world about it. One reason was probably 'coz it felt surreal to me. I mean, I didn't see his body and I wasn't there at the funeral home. I wasn't there at all to help out and my life here in Finland continued as if nothing had happened. I think telling the world (well, mostly through FB announcement) about it has helped me remember that my Dad no longer lives on earth.

Another reason was probably because my world will never be the same anymore and I want other people to know that. Funny thing was that if I compared my grief with my infertility grief, I accepted my Dad's death MUCH better than my infertility grief.

First of all, I had had time to prepare for my Dad's death and also opportunities to let him know how much I appreciated him. Secondly, his death was a natural one and he didn't have to suffer long. Thirdly, other people readily acknowledged his death and my grief and thus I got the kind of warm support that I needed.

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When tragedy strikes, it feels like your universe is going on a different pace and rhythm. You notice that there are cracks and perhaps even holes all around you. Your whole world has changed. Perhaps you've even stopped living your life for a while though other people don't even realize that. Anyhow, the trouble with infertility is that it's an ambiguous loss that sparks off disenfranchise grief (click on the link to read what it means) and it took us by surprise (a hit below the belt so to speak). When I first realized that (gasp!) we could be infertile, I felt that my whole universe started cracking...and then with each month appeared one hole after another, each with different size and depth.

At that time around our journey, I also felt the urge to let the world know about the changes in our universe. It didn't help when I tried telling some people about the cracks and holes created by infertility 'coz they made me feel like I was delusional. In their eyes, those cracks and holes were invisible. And the "wrong" things they said felt like they were poking the holes (involuntarily making them bigger) or even ripping off the cracks, making me feel defensive or even angry. Or both.

But at that time, I couldn't help feeling that I was really making such a big deal out of my cracks and holes 'coz if they are blind to them, there must be other invisible cracks and holes in other people's universes as well that I may have involuntarily poked and prodded and ripped off and that made me feel guilty for lashing out on them or for being defensive. That realization also made me feel guilty for all the past wrong things I may have said to them.

However, this thought in turn made me feel angrier and frustrated 'coz I felt that I had valid reasons to be grieving in the first place and I was denied the support that a grieving person needed. Thus the cycle of doom continued...Anger, jealousy, frustration, guilt, grief, sorrow, despair, self-hate, self-loathe, self-blame, doubt, depression...you name it...one by one tumbling one after another and sometimes many of them bursting out all at once and becoming a concoction from hell.

To be fair, there were some people who did acknowledge there were holes and cracks, but more often than not, the things they said made me feel like they were suggesting band-Aids to cover them up to "heal" my universe. After some time, I felt like giving up in "educating" the world about our universe and what it may entail. (FYI, every once in a while I still try to do this, but not with the same concoction from hell like before).

Side note: For those of you who want to know the list on what not to say to an infertile, here are some links:

What Not To Say to An Infertile
Infertility Etiquette

What helped the most was probably - after a long and twisted journey before coming to the decision so trust me, it wasn't easy to make a decision like this - surrendering ourselves to a future without kids (thanks to all the prayers - I specifically asked some friends to pray The Serenity Prayer for us - and the fact that God has answered those prayers by giving us both a united voice in terms of what to do or not do and in time we could let go of that particular dream).

Our universe will never be the same, but we've stopped focusing on the cracks and holes and focusing more on looking at each other and trying to find ways to make each other happy and spending time together. We try our best to cherish every moment 'coz nobody knows when death is coming to get us...what would be the sweetest ending for our story is if God chooses to take us from earth together at the same time. :-D

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The Year Started With A Bang (read: Dad's Death)

Today I finished work and I was tempted to check my mobile. I've been working for 1,5 years now and I could count with one hand how many times I checked my mobile right after work (before coming home, I mean). There were 4 messages from my bro and Mom.

The first one told me that Dad was screaming in pain earlier today in Indo and that they took him to the emergency room at a hospital. Then the other messages was about his passing about two hours after they took him to the hospital.

Actually when they arrived at the hospital, there was no pulse, but they managed to "revive" him. It happened a few times and finally the doctor said that he checked Dad's pupils and they showed no brain activity, so he wouldn't recommend keeping him alive with the machine, but he said it was all up to the family. In the end he went anyway in peace. He died of a heart attack.

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The first thing I felt (probably simultaneously as the shock wave) was a HUGE wave of relief that Dad didn't have to suffer long before God took him away. Then started the tears. I had to lock myself in the toilet and let out what I needed to let out while replying to the messages. After I could control myself somewhat and dabbed my eyes with water and tissue to make sure they didn't look too weird, I went out, did a little shopping, and went home.

When I got back home, R2 greeted me and I told him what happened, then he held me tightly. He patted my back and held me tightly...more tears coming...We spent so much time in each other's arms while I retold him what I had heard from my SIL about what had happened.

It's really weird what I've been feeling after I heard the news...relief, grief, joy (because he can't feel any more pain now), a tad melancholy and longing. All the wonderful memories flashing back. He's my dad and I'm honoured to be his daughter. We might not always see eye to eye, but his legacy will live on through me and my brother.

I have no regrets nor guilt about anything, though. The last time I spoke to him on the phone was a day before his 69th birthday on Dec 27th, 2011 (I couldn't call him on his birthday 'coz I had an evening shift) and that was the only time I had the guts to verbally tell him my appreciation and how he had made a difference in my life. Before that time, I chickened out and I could only tell him how I felt in a lengthy email. I didn't know what made me say those things to him on the phone that day, but now I'm even more glad I did it.

Anyway, rest in peace, dear Dad. You're probably enjoying yourself up there, though. Can't wait to see you there again. Until we meet again...

P.S. The below pic was taken on his birthday a few years ago.

Upside Down World

Weeks ago I felt so "soul weary" (a term I heard from Michelle Frost while we were discussing this topic in emails). She also said in one of the emails that 'coz these days we could get information at the click of a mouse that we became more burdened with the "weight of the world" (read: the world's troubles) on our backs. Back in the old days, we could only get the news from the radio or newspaper or TV. The amount of information we got was limited. Back in the more olden days, people could only get the news through messengers. Not many people knew the troubles suffered by the people living halfway across the world. Now I feel that it's the age of information overload.

With the many petitions through emails and now FB, it's easy to feel guilty if we don't participate. Plus we get more overwhelmed with the bad news happening all around the world or when we come across so much internet junk lying around here and there that we accidentally find.

I've also been wondering with humans' needs these days. Back then we only needed food to eat, clothing to stay warm, a place to stay to shelter us. Now with all the modernity and technology that we enjoy, I feel that we're putting values in things that don't really matter much when you think about it in the long run - the things that don't matter at all when you're facing death (or when a loved one is facing death or even slow death like my FIL) or devastating natural disasters. Every time I meet FIL these days, I think of life and I'm reminded of all the trivial things on earth that don't really matter.

I DO understand why humans are the way they are, 'coz I'm also a mere human being with all my strengths and weaknesses, but I wonder whether or not we've let life just pass us by in a swift motion, dragging us with the world that focuses even more and more on those trivial things on earth...where does our need to improve end and contentment begins? Where is the limit? On the other hand, accepting the status quo and being content with what we have also feels "wrong" in many levels. When did I ever feel that it's wrong to be content with what we have? Why do I feel that it's wrong? Is it really wrong?

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I remember when I was a child, TV programs started only at around 5 pm and ended at around midnight. Back then the only commercials were about immunization and stuff like that. Nowadays we're bombarded with so many commercials that tickle our "wants". I know that it's easy to become victim of those "wants" especially after I start earning money. I really need to STOP and THINK first whether I REALLY need them or not before I start buying stuff.

I also feel that the more developed technology is, the more ethical questions come up. Recently I read about a doctor who found this kind of drug during his research, but then it was stolen and the drug was recreated by the thieves and sold on the streets like heroin or something like that. He was shocked beyond belief and he regretted having created it in the first place. For every good thing and purpose, humans find ways to either go to the extreme with it or misuse or abuse it. It's human nature. I get it. But I can't help myself feeling sad because of it.

Another thing that saddens me is also what I heard about a woman who fell into a hole in one country that I won't mention here. The law in the country stated that only the medics could help her out, so people who wanted to pull her out weren't allowed to do so. The result? The woman had died by the time the medics arrived. How sad is that?

I also feel that this is an era where tolerance is taken to the extreme. For example: if parents discipline their kids rather "sternly", they're called "child abusers". I'm NOT saying I condone people who are mean to other people or to kids. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is should tolerance mean that we tolerate everything? EVERY SINGLE THING? Because it sure feels like we're going that way sometimes and it's driving me mad.

I don't know what I'm getting at by writing all these thoughts 'coz I haven't really found the conclusion. All I know that I have this strong desire to share these thoughts in my blog. Maybe some of you have some enlightenment to share with me that'd help me out of this vicious cycle of thoughts. Who knows? ;-D

When Jesus Took Him Away

About a week ago I heard shocking news from my Mom. She told me via SMS that one of my brother's friends died. He was only 29 years old. The other day I called my Mom via Skype and got to talk to my brother, as well. He told me the story about his friend's illness and death.

He died because of some type of either lung or liver virus (it's not clear which is which). He was treated in a hospital for about two weeks. Twelve days in the hospital, he saw bright lights and Jesus. Jesus told him that He came to take him away.

He said to Jesus, "Lord, if I can bargain, I'd wish not to be taken away now, because I'm getting married next May."

Jesus told him that he could only get two more days before He came to take him away.

Two days later he saw Jesus again and I guess in the end he did go with Him. So he took his last breath exactly on the day that Jesus said He would.

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When I first heard the news, I felt a cold chill running down my spine when I thought about what would happen to his future wife. I bet they've already booked at least some things for the party. Finding a place to throw a wedding party isn't easy (esp. if the place is a favourite, then you have to book much earlier than the D-day). She must have been in a happy state before he got sick, thinking that next year they'd be husband and wife. But now all their dreams of life together is shattered. May God comfort her and guide her throughout this grief.

May God comfort his family, too.

My brother said that as sad as it was, at least Jesus was the one that took him. He's in a far better place now. :-)))

Rest in peace, Benny!
You're missed...

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Death on My Mind

In this post I'd like to say my condolences to all the grieving people in the world. Death has been on my mind for the past week, not because I want to kill myself, but because of the news I heard about somebody's death.

First was the death of Cliff's brother Allen. I pray that God give him and his family comfort and strength throughout this tough time.

The second death I read about was when I clicked on a link distributed through Facebook. In that site, a woman wrote a post about her husband's death due to heart failure or heart attack or something like that. Mind you that the guy was still young. They had been married for almost TWO years only when the guy died.

The third death I read about was from my penpal. We started writing each other when I was at the uni (I think, or was it High School?). She's from Germany, but she moved to Sweden to further her studies and to be with her Swedish boyfriend. I never knew that her boyfriend was sick. She wrote me yesterday to tell me that he died six weeks ago due to incurable cancer.

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There's nothing like death to shake your perspective of life and everything important in life suddenly changes. All the little things I wanted - all my dreams and goals - suddenly mattered less and less...all I want is just to spend as much quality time with my loved ones and cherish them as best as I can and just tell them that they are so precious to me.

Of course as time goes by, we tend to "forget" that death is lurking in the corner...and I'll go back to chasing my dreams and goals...until death news comes to shock my system again. It's just a natural human nature, I guess.

Anyway, if I think only of myself (being selfish), death is a welcome end to my tasks on earth. As much as I love my life on earth, but still death is like the last curtain call where I bow and hope that I have done all my tasks well before I vanish from the stage of life.

However, when I think of the loved ones I'll leave behind, I can't bear to think of their sadness and their longing. I just hope that if I'm taken first, God will prepare my loved ones to continue life after I'm gone...

When it comes to my loved ones' death...that's something I don't know what to say yet. I'll never know until or if it happens first before my own death.

Life's so fragile...reading about three people's deaths in the course of a week is enough to make me realize again that everything we have (including our life) is on a loan to us. When we die, we're not going to bring anything with us to the other side...

All of this brings me back to:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change
Courage to change the things I can change
And wisdom to know the difference..."

May God comfort all whose hearts are in grief...

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Looking Forward to Watching This

When I still lived with my parents, if we wanted to watch something together, then we have to make sure the movie is suitable for everybody. Since my brother and I love horror movies, but my parents don't, then we have to find something that everybody enjoys. Watching touching dramas filled with a good message is a good thing to do, don't you think?

Ever since I moved to Finland, I almost always munch something while watching movies he he he...How about you, people? Do you normally eat something while watching movies?

I've just read the review for this movie All Roads Lead Home The Movie and I'm looking forward to watching it! Imdb rates this movie 7.9 stars out of 10. That's pretty good for me. The story is about a 12-year-old girl whose mother is dead in a car accident. As we all know, death can be a life-changing event for a family, especially if your own daughter thinks you're to blame for the death of your wife. Gee...that must be hard. I wonder how each of the family members' characters (including the grandfather) develop throughout the movie.

Mind you, though, that this 108-minute-long movie is rated PG, so make sure you're there with your younger kids if they're watching the movie with you.

To make this post complete, let's watch this trailer, shall we? ;-D

Visits to the Grave

Just like last year, on Christmas Eve we went to the graves to light a candle before we went to R2's parents' place. I took a few pictures while we were there. Here they are...






Speaking of graves, I'd love to state my deepest sympathy to the loss of a blogger friend named Suzanne Horne or Liquid Illuzion. I never really got to know her personally, but I do know that she's a talented artist. I just felt SHOCKED when I found out about her passing away on Christmas Eve, so here's for you, Suzanne...I hope your family feels God's comfort, too.

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I think these two last pictures are also in correlation with this post. My FIL made some ice lanterns to put outside on Christmas Eve and here are they:

Yearly Evaluation

Bitter Chocolate has written about her yearly evaluation, so let me think about mine. What has happened this year?

1. Miraculously there was a full-time Finnish course for the FIRST TIME EVER in Sodankylä!!!!!!! We all thought that they wouldn't open one since there weren't enough students. Plus our teacher was EXCELLENT!!!

2. My residence permit extension went well and I had enough money to pay for it ---> got the money from blogging, so I didn't have to use my savings. Plus the new residence permit is valid for 4 years, so I was HAPPY! ;-D

3. Got very bad news from my brother that my uncle died alone in his house (he was never married) and his body was found out a few days later. :-(((



4. Because I received some student money during the course, hubby and I could afford buying plane tickets to Indo already in the beginning of the year. This was really unplanned, so it was the GREATEST surprise ever!

5. Got GREAT news from my brother that his wife was pregnant and that the baby was due around the time when I would visiting them in Indo.

6. In the middle of the Finnish course, the firm who organized it decided to pay for us if we wanted to try taking the Finnish National Language Exam (if we took it ourselves, we had to pay €75). I took the test without believing that I could pass, since the speaking and listening part were SO hard. But again I got a NICE surprise by passing the test! This means that after living here for 4 years, I only need to pay a lump of money and fill in some forms to apply for Finnish citizenship. YIIIIPPPPIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!

7. In July R2 and I had enough money AND time (R2 could take the holiday since he had worked overtime) to do a car trip to Southern Finland. We enjoyed our stay in Oulu VERY much at Lasaretti Hotel and it felt like a honeymoon!!!

8. In October R2 and I not only went to Indonesia, but we also had enough budget to go to Singapore AND buy a new digital camera! Such beautiful blessings!

9. On our trip to Indo/Singapore, we managed to meet Blur Ting and Trinity. WOOOHOOO!!!

10. Amazingly enough, R2 and I were able to be there for my brother's baby's birth. I was literally right outside of the labour room. He decided to come out 1,5 days before our flight back to Finland. YAAAAAAAAAAAYY!!!

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11. After going back to Finland, I could start training at the library and I've met VERY nice women there who encourage me and make me feel useful. :-)))) Plus my boss is VERY thoughtful (not just to me, but also to the other women).

12. R2 got some surprise money, so we could pay off our car loan to the bank. No more debt! YYYEEEESSSS!!!

13. During the year, I've managed to hang out with my Indo friends, Finnish friends (though they're not Finnish), and also blogger friends. COOL!!!

14. Baby program hasn't succeeded yet, but that means we can enjoy our time together "freely", so we're going to cherish this "honeymoon period" still. Plus that means that we have more time to save money ---> because if and when I get pregnant, we need a bigger place to stay and not only will we have to pay more for that reason, we also have to buy the baby's crib or bed and whatnots. So better save, save, save!

15. Work-wise: AT LEAST I know that working at the library is suitable for me (even if getting a job there isn't possible yet). I know that there are many more tasks to do if I were really working there, but I've really enjoyed my time there so far.

16. Family-wise: My Dad's mind has gotten slightly worse off than last year, so this saddens me, but at least my Mom has my brother and his wife to help. Plus my Mom is close to her sisters and brother, so they are always ready to lend an ear or give support whenever she needs it.

Concerning R2's family, his Dad's condition isn't going any better (he was diagnosed with Alzheimer last year). Sometimes he's stable, sometimes his condition gets worse, but he can still function well. It seems both our Dads aren't doing too well, but at least they're alive and they can still enjoy life.

17. Language-wise: I know more and more Finnish words, but since I haven't been actively speaking Finnish like when I was in the course, my mind has gone rusty (read: it works SLOWLY and it takes time to formulate an answer PLUS I'm starting to forget my grammar!!!). I don't like this "degradation", so I'm going to try to fix this problem next year. I MUST start reading my grammar books again and try to talk to R2 in Finnish.

18. I've received unexpected gifts through the course of the year. My, I'm such a lucky girl!!!

19. Still no fight record between R2 and I ---> not that I expect/hope any, thank you LOL LOL!!! Of course we sometimes rub each other's fur the wrong way (or sometimes I get cranky when I'm on my PMS or when I'm tired), but he always managed to minimize my state of being-almost-angry to laughing-with-him. Strange but true.

There WERE a few times when I could have lashed out at him, but EVERY SINGLE TIME he made me laugh with what he said or did. He's really like my "fireman". He douses my flames so quickly that I never had the chance to be burnt away by my emotions. Plus his unbelievable patience truly helps me. Bless him!!!

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OK, I think this is long enough. Of course there have been MANY more events during the year, but the list sums the major events of this year. There are bad news among all the good news, but I think all in all it's been a pretty good, eventful year, don't you think? ;-D

I'll blog-hop tomorrow. Wish you a FUN weekend ahead, friends!!!

Taken Young

During my university years, I had plenty of friends. One of them had a brother who was around 5 years younger than her. On the second year at the university, she decided that she wanted to move to Australia to further her studies there. She was already preparing for the student visa and everything. Her mother had a friend who had an Australian citizenship and the friend lived there, so she was ready to help my friend.

While preparing for the papers, her brother got sick. At first they thought that he had sprained his ankle or something since the pain started to come right after he played basketball. He was an active boy and back then he was in Junior High School. They took him to a Shinshe (traditional Chinese medicine man) to have a therapeutic massage and the Shinshe also gave him some medicine (herbal concoction or something).



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The pain didn't dissipate. The massage was painful and he was always crying during the tough ordeal. After all, the boy was only about 14 or 15 years old. His condition didn't get any better. After a while, he even had to use walking sticks to help him walk. The family decided to take him to a doctor and what they found out was really shocking.

He suffered from BONE CANCER!!! X-ray photos showed that the cancer had already eaten parts of his hip bone...no amount of massage therapies could help. He was treated in a hospital for a while and the family fasted and prayed for a miracle. My friend lost A LOT of weight during these agonizing months.

As her friends, my friends and I visited her brother at the hospital, but we didn't even know what to say!!! We knew the condition was already so bad, so we knew it was hopeless unless God decided to give him a miraculous healing. When we were there, we didn't stay long since the brother was crying due to the pain. We almost couldn't bear to see him like that.

My friend's plan to move to Australia was postponed...and in the end it was cancelled when her brother died. Her parents didn't want her to leave, since she was all they've got left. It all happened so fast...I think in less than a year God took him away. Maybe it was for the best so that he didn't suffer too long.

We went to the mortuary to give our condolences and it was such a sad affair. The room was SO full of people: relatives, teachers, school friends. His classmates sang his fave song: "Rain and Tears". He loved playing that song with his guitar, so they said goodbye to him that way. I felt choked with tears...he was taken so young...

We'll never know when God takes away our loved ones...remember not to take them for granted. Life is SO precious...

P.S. Now my friend's gotten married in Indo and she's just given birth to a healthy baby boy. :-))))) One life taken, another life springs forth...the cycle of life...

Motorcycle + Emotional Quotient

In Indonesia, the legal age to drive a motorcycle is 17 years old. However, of course you can "get around law" and get a driver's license even when you're 15 years old. My brother and I went to the same Junior High School, but different High School. Dad used to take us to school until my brother got his own motorcycle.

At first my parents were going to let him get a driver's license when he was 15 years old, but then something happened that made them change their mind. My cousin, who was going 21 years old, died in a motorcycle accident a few months before my brother was going to get his driver's license. My cousin had just visited his girlfriend's house and since it was late already, he decided to speed up so that his mother wouldn't be too worried. Along one empty street there was this bump on the road and he didn't see it. Some witnesses saw his motorbike turn several times in the air before landing on the ground.

He hit his head so hard on the ground that he must've died in an instant. His whole body was intact, except for some blood coming out of his ear and a cut on his ear. It was such a devastating death, especially since the family had lost the father years back due to some illness. So the only ones left was the mother and the eldest son. (Now the son's gotten married and he has two kids already)

Anyway, that incident made my parents wait in giving my brother a driver's license. They thought that younger kids were more impressionable, so if somebody challenged them to speed or do something stupid, they were more likely to do it. So they told my brother to be patient and wait for two years.

He was patient enough to wait for two years and I must say that until now (and I hope until forever) he's never had an accident. It's tough to know how much trust and responsibility you should give to your kids, since sometimes every child is different in the process of growing up. My Mom says that a parent should get to know the kids' character and deal with (or approach) the kids according to their different personalities.

I'm not a parent yet, so I'm just trying to gather all the important lessons from other mothers and parents. One thing I heard from my friend Michelle rang VERY true to me. She said something along this line, "Education is important, but it's not everything. What matters most for me is that my kids have a BALANCED life (she means that they have a good Emotional Quotient). They need love."--- Btw, if you wanna know your EQ, click on the link and do the test. My result was average hi hi hi hi hi...

glitter-graphics.com

New Template + Nightmare

It's hard for me to find a new template for my blog, but I think I'll settle for this one for some time. I'd love to change the font of my post titles, but I don't know how to do it. I tried it by tweaking the font and colours settings, but nothing happened. :-(((( I'll go ask around later on as I don't have much time yet.

Anyway, the other night I had a NIGHTMARE!!! It's so scary, you know?

In the dream, I was waiting for R2 at the airport in Jakarta. He was supposed to come for our wedding day. I was there with my Mom (at least) and we were waiting for a LONG time. The plane still hadn't landed yet, even though it was WAY past schedule.

For some reason, even though I couldn't see my relatives there, I knew they were thinking, "Oh, I bet he stood you up!"

With all my heart and soul, I KNEW he couldn't have done such a thing, so I was getting more and more worried. After a while, I couldn't wait any longer, so I asked one of the airport employees about the plane. She said in a grave tone of voice that the plane had crashed around the Alps. (Yeah, beats me!!! It was after all a dream!)

I felt DEVASTATED!!! I just couldn't believe my ears. The woman said that R2 had probably died, but I refused to believe it. I wanted to search for him on my own since there was still a chance that he might still be alive. Even so, I could feel my whole world collapsing around me and it was one of the worst feelings ever.

You can imagine how GLAD I felt when I woke up and realized that he was still sleeping soundly right next to me HE HE HE HE HE HE HE...Phew!!!

Anyway, Monday's my last training day and then I still have 3 last days at the course with the last teacher. We'll talk about the training and other stuff. Only after that I have more time to blog-hop.

How've your weekend been, I wonder? I hope all is well and that everybody's enjoying their time and you're all healthy. ;-D

Debilitating Fear

Note: This is the post that I've been wanting to write since I heard the news about my uncle's death, but I needed time to sort out my thoughts.

Fear can be debilitating. After getting news about my uncle's death, there were so many "what if" questions rapping their knuckles eagerly at my door. A few minutes after taking the news in, I realized that the SMS could have been about one of my parents or even both of them. I had sometimes prayed to God that if it was His will, I would love to be able to go back to Indonesia when one of my parents died (not in a situation where I'm almost giving birth or that I'm renewing my residence permit or something else that makes me unable to go to Indo).

Then I started realizing that my husband could die before me and fear started slithering inside, ready to choke me. My brain kept on asking me, "What if Arttu dies when you're pregnant? What if he dies before you get pregnant? What will you do next? Will you continue living here or will you go back to Indonesia? What if...what if...what if...?"

Being born and raised as a planner made my brain automatically started asking me those uninvited questions. More and more questions popped out...

I used to have a problem hearing people say, "If it's God's will, then I'll do this and that." Why? Probably because I've seen some of them prayed and fasted with all their might without doing their parts. They even used other people's resources without permission and then they dared thank God for those "blessings" and they told those people whose resources they used, "May the Lord pour His blessings upon you."

However, recently I've changed my mind. We DO have to do our parts, yet the bottom line is: since I believe that He's the God that created everything and that can take away our lives just with a twitch of His eye, that means that EVERYTHING else is under His govern. Of course I have free will and I can do anything I want to do, but still if His time has not come yet, no matter how much I want it to happen NOW, it won't happen. And if somehow I can force it to happen NOW, nothing good will come out of it.

I was gripped by fear during one night while lying awake in our bed, thinking about the "what if" questions...but at the end of the reflection, I was reminded again that God wouldn't give me more than I could bear and that His plans were good plans and not evil plans. I was reminded to surrender to Him completely and to let go of my worries and my need to control everything or at least to anticipate everything.

And then it struck me how WELL He'd been taking care of me. I started remembering that when I moved to Finland, I had NO idea how I could find a Finnish course or how my husband could find a permanent job or how I could find friends in Sodankylä or how I could find some income online or how I would survive in this cold country, but in due time everything worked out well, haven't they? Even MUCH MUCH MUCH better than my wildest hope. All I needed to do was trust Him to open or close doors for me and wait for His perfect time to unfold.

Well, as you can imagine, only then I could start drifting to sleep peacefully. I breathed a sigh of relief as I left the rest of my worries to Him and just left them there.

Ironically, I find that trusting God isn't as easy as ABC. In normal circumstances, when everything seems to work out just fine for me, it seems easy to trust God. Oh yes, God has provided everything I need and I needn't worry. Life couldn't have been better!!! I'm on a roll!!! YIIIHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAA!!!

However, no matter how much I WANT to trust Him with all my heart, mind, and soul, in critical situations, I doubt and worry and fear.

But then again, without those doubts and those critical situations, I wouldn't be able to let my faith grow, would I? So let me just let my faith be shaken and stirred...and hopefully I'll always cling to God and surrender to Him at the end of the day and become more graceful and gentle and more loving and more teachable...until my last breath.

Image taken from here

In Memoriam: Hadi Sebastian Winarta

I just got SHOCKING news from my brother. He said that my Dad's youngest brother was found dead at home. No wonder my mother couldn't contact him for days. She thought he was going on a vacation with his friends!!! Turned out he had been dead for around 4 days. He lived alone as he was never married. He was only 53 years old and he'd been pretty healthy.

I don't know the whole story yet, but I'm sure I'll hear about it later. I want to call my brother but I know he's probably busy preparing for the funeral and everything and my parents will be busy, too. So I'd better call later on after everything's done.

Well, he's resting in peace now. Goodbye, Uncle!!! You'll be missed!!! See you in heaven!

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Matthew 5:4

Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.
Psalm 30:5

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
Revelation 21:4

The Importance of Insurance

As you all know, my Dad used to be an insurance agent. He mostly sold life insurance. One time he tried SO hard to sell insurance to a pretty rich guy, but the guy kept on postponing it. Finally after the umpteenth time, the guy seemed to be ready to sign the contract sometime later. But you know what happened next? Before meeting Dad to sign the contract, he died in his car. His kids were still young and his wife was devastated, especially since the guy was the sole bread winner for the whole family. My Dad really regretted the guy's indecisiveness and he felt so sad for the family that was left behind. I sure hope they're doing fine now, though.

Since life's very unpredictable, it's wise if we take good care of our assets, especially if we have kids. We should know that they will be able to live on decently without us if God ever takes us away. When my husband bought us a newer used car, he bought a car insurance right away. For house owners, do you have a home insurance? Remember that natural disasters may wipe away any house in just a few minutes or even seconds. Insuring our assets from unexpected life events will take away some of our worries since we know that we'll not lose everything if something ever happens to us, our car, or our house.

Can't Take My Eyes Off You

I just remembered something I haven't shared with you. During our long-distance relationship, I used to call my hubby once a month. One time I suggested singing to each other hue he he he he...and he said that he had to write down the lyrics first so that he would be able to sing for me on the phone. He had NEVER done it before and after he was done singing, he said he would NEVER do that again HA HA HA HA HA...

Wonder what he sang? He sang "500 Miles". Yeah, that classic song! He sang the WHOLE song as he had the lyrics with him when I called HE HE HE HE HE...I don't remember anymore what I sang for him, but it wasn't a complete song (yeah, I cheated HA HA HA...).

This morning hubby left me a VERY sweet note again. I want to SQUEEZE that guy SO tightly in my arms right now...He wrote the note in Finnish (I requested this so that I could learn more Finnish), but the English translation of it would be something like this:

"Morning, Love. Today's the last Friday of the month, or should I say 'again'? Time does fly so fast, but my love for you only grows with time. You're the best. I don't know if I can go home for lunch, but I'll see you when I see you. Love you."

On a sad note, I just received an email this morning from my missionary friend, Daniel Huisman (his name is on my blogroll) that his beloved sister died two days ago. She had been suffering from cancer for a while. :-((((

Then I also received a message from my close friend yesterday about one of her acquaintances. She's married and she has a little boy (around 2 years old, I think). Her Dad has glaucoma and Parkinson's disease and he's lost one eye already. She just found out months ago that her son's autistic (it can cost A LOT for the child's education 'coz in Indo there are no benefits like in Finland for example). And that's not all. On top of that, turns out that her husband's got tumor and they don't know yet how acute it is.

This reminds me how fragile life is. I told the above story to my hubby last night and said to him, "Health is PRICELESS." It seems to me that ever since I moved here, I'm reminded again and again about cherishing everything I have.

I'd love to share this song with all of you. I ADORE the "refrain" part 'coz it feels SO fragile..."Can't Take My Eyes Off You" by Damien Rice.

I LOVE gazing at my hubby - sometimes it bothers him, but I just LOVE watching his gorgeous facial features...mmm...and I wanna remember EVERY single thing about him...I wanna make the most out of the time I still have left with him. I don't wanna live my life with regrets. Enjoy the song and remember how fragile life is...