I think I've lost my mojo. No, really. I am not joking; it's not funny. I have never been one to complain, and I know how to avoid/block/ignore pain. The longest I have ever been down with anything was 3 days, and that was the Kill-An-Elephant-and-Leave-It-There-To-Rot flu. It got JNerd, too. We were both very, very sick. I think that was February, before last. So...2009? But lately? I am just...sick.
I wrote about it before...how after I came home from blogher, I was dealing with migraines, on a daily basis. They had me down, for a month. No joke. They started 8/5, and I saw the doctor on 9/2. All the time I was waiting? Languishing in a darkened room like some demented character out of a gothic novel. Talk about the drama! I spent so many days flat on my back I could have paid for my mortgage had I been doing anything more remotely interesting. Instead?Ice pack at the base of my skull, cold, weighted eye mask over my face. I did a lot of listening to tv...it was all I could do.
And now, thanks to a god-send of a doctor, who saw me in the grips of a terrible migraine attack and immediately fixed it with a shot of Imitrex and then a prescription, my head is better, or at least on its way to becoming better. But. There were...complications. I won't go into my bathroom habits, cause that shit lives forever on the internet, but let's just say they're non-
existent. at this point. And not from ...lack of trying. And then, there are complications to that.
And while all that sucks, what's worse is that my cycle is all screwed up. I have had not ONE, not TWO, but THREE periods in the last TWO months. Yep, that's right. Three. The only good news is that proves I am not pregnant. But I am sick of my period, sick of feeling sick and ready to get off my freaking bed. And I just..can't. I am achy, tired, bleeding. Despite this all, I am trying to find the funny, you know, fkeep up my spirits.
I am failing miserably. I have spent the last month begging off of most things I am supposed to be doing. I have missed karate, eye appointments and countless other things I am supposed to attend. I missed a good friend's birthday party, blog events, and just, everything. My house is a disaster, my dog is a monster (She needs my attention and training, no one can handle her the way I do) and my kids are being raised by wolves. ENOUGH. I have an MRI sometime in the next week or so. To make sure I am not dying of a brain tumor (I'm not.) I called the doctor's office and was told that all of my labs: thyroid, hormones, were normal.. Well, that's just awesome, possum!
Then tell me why I don't feel normal?? I am OVER this. I have never been down this long, and I am having a hard time seeing around it to the light at the end of the tunnel. Which is probably a bus, anyway.
Sometimes, a picture is worth a thousand woooooords. Poor kid. Yes, I snapped this after hour #6 of her being sick, I am so mean. But I am not that mean, because it's after 2 a.m. and I am sitting here with her on the couch next to me, in case she needs me. She hasn't thrown up in over an hour, we may have turned the corner, thank God. Needless to say, I have been a bit preoccupied the last few days, as this crud makes its way through my house.
Tomorrow, I will tell you how JNerd (who rocks our socks) explained throwing up to a scared child with autism who hasn't thrown up since she was TWO. Think: Spongebob Squarepants. He is amazing. That is all.
eta: guess I spoke too soon..she was just sick again. :o/
T, who likes to stay up late, but by choice, not when I have to
So you want to know where I have been, right? I mean, you love me and miss me and you have to know what I am doing with myself, yeah?
Sadly, my computer, he went boom. Or rather, crash. Or Floop. Or a ton of other onomatopoeias to describe, "Rip out my heart and stomp it into the ground while losing ALL of my data." It was ugly.
On July 4th, my computer, he wouldn't boot, he was slow. So I called tech support at Apple (after trying to repair and verify the disk on my own.) The tech took me through a few higher-level fixes, and finally, after two hours, I got this message:
could not repair disk after three tries. Disk fail.
It was ugly. BUT, it was under warranty...Well, there was nothing left to do but make an appointment with the Apple Genius and see what could be done.
His name was Jordan. He had sweet, dancing eyes. And he was quick to smile. Had I been about twenty years younger, I'd have fallen for him. As it was, I was at his mercy. He had my baby. I brought him (ok, it) in, laying him it on the bar, taking my place at the hipper-than-thou counter. There was my name, up on the screen, it was my turn. Time for him to work his Apple Magic. I raised my eyes anxiously, as I handed him my Macbook. Be gentle. "Tech support said hard drive, " I said. He smiled and said, "Yes, that's what it sounds like." He licked his lips. Eying me seriously: "It can't even find the partition. Definitely the hard drive. He clucked his tongue, sucking it a bit. Needs a new one."
I looked down. "Can you fix it? I need it by the end of the month, I am due to take it to Chicago." He winked at me. "Oh we will definitely have it happy by then! It will be done in 4-6 days. We'll get you all fixed up. You can't be without a computer longer than that!" I stifled my cougar impulse. It was natural to be grateful. This was my computer, after all.
"Just be gentle with it, it is pristine, it has been in an after-market case." "His blue eyes twinkled, "I noticed that, clearly a lot of care is taken with it. Not a fingerprint on it. We'll put this baby straight into a foam sleeve, don't worry. I'll take care of everything. He flashed me a reassuring smile and met my eyes across the top of the bar. I'll be gentle, I've done this before."
And just like that, I fell in love with an Apple Genius.
P.S. Ok, so I can't really be in love with the Apple Genius, because I am in love with my husband. The paper in my birdcage, my man, JNerd, he saved almost all the data that my computer tried to eat as the hard drive went south. He saved the pictures, and the Keychain, (which means I can find all my stuff and passwords from like forever). He saved my blog posts, and my writing and images and most everything else. So, there really isn't room for the Apple Genius. Just don't tell him that...I want him to want to do good things for me.
P.S.S. well, not for me, for my computer.
P.S.S.S. which really, when you get down to it, the two are the same.
P.S.S.S.S. me and the computer.
P.S.S.S.S.S. I am not really a Cougar, I just apparently play one on my blog.
I thought it would be fun to show you some of the crazy things that people search for and somehow wind up on my blog. (see, I do too have readers!) Ready?
send chocolate
Number one. Suppose people are confused that I don't ship that precious brown cocoa gold to their door?
pulling my hair out
This is close behind, and believe it or not, people don't bounce from this one...they stick around and read. Do you think it's because I still have my hair??
bang head here
Yes, this is a good place to land. I even have a graphic for it!
how to talk to a 15 year old
Why ask me?? Sure, I can talk, but does she listen? (See the two terms above this one) Believe it or not, people stick around after searching this term, too.
comfiest chair ever
If you own this, can you tell me what it is? Mine makes my butt numb.
things getting weird please send chocolate
Well, duh.
evil otter
I have no idea. Really. I write about weasels
color order of 96 crayon pack
OCD much? Listen, I love crayons, but I don't keep them in a specific order. well, ok, yes, I do. But it is my order, not Crayolas. (color spectrum, by hue, thanks for asking)
good earplugs for kids with aspergers
How about good earplugs for Moms with kids who have Aspergers? I could use those...
evil kittens
I have two they can HAVE. One doesn't pee on the floor, much.
are weasels good pets
Sure, if by "good pets" you mean "will they gnaw your face off"
how to rsvp a funeral
I have no idea where this came from
what is that smell
You know, they say, "he who smelt it? Dealt it...
sexy spider girl suit
I. don't. know. Really. I swear.
vegetable law
Sure you don't want Room 704 for that one??
sexy wheelbarrow
Because? Why? We don't want to know about your Farmer John fetish. That's just sick.
Got the cat right on his head.
doesn't everybody? This one came complete with the punctuation. I like to imagine it said with a southern accent...hoursminutes seconds of fun!
hogtie boys
That's just wrong. Again, Room 704 might be more your speed....
honey there's a cat in the freezer
Guess I know what you're havin' for dinner, eh?
why kids say meow with aspergers
If you figure it out, will you let ME know? Add singing, too...
how to piss off a cat
I could teach a class in this one...trust me, ask my cat
Apparently, chocolate, Asperger's,Spock, evil otters and zombies will bring you straight to my door. Seems my work here is done. ::insert evil cackle here:::
What's the weirdest search anyone has ever done for your blog?
T, who is immensely entertained by the search results, THANK YOU!
I entered this contest and I am supposed to write a post about my Mom Logic. Thing is, I can't say for sure that I actually have any! I took Logic in college, and barely passed with a C. Sure, I can argue. But when it comes to actual cogent argumentation? I was clueless. Turns out, God was just preparing me for living with my family! (either that or he was just beyond bored one day and decided to mess with me) What logic lives in a house with autism? What is logical about fear of a flushing toilet? Going into conniptions at the sight of a spider? Refusing to leave the house for fear a small dog may maul you? Arguing to wear the same dress, again, or not going out? This is just a smidgen of what I face as a mama in this house.
To be fair, it's not all me. You cannot reasonably discuss fears with someone who is afraid. And you can't convince someone (especially if that someone is 7 years old and has autism) to do what you want them to do, just because it is the logical choice. Little beings are not reasonable. and autism is even less so. Talk until you are blue in the face and what you will have left is...a blue face! (and maybe some interesting pictures for your blog...no, I don't actually have any pictures of me, blue in the face, but if I did, they would be interesting..)
I think I still have the potential to be a very logical person in there somewhere. Before I had kids, I had a brain, and as such, I had logic. But with each child, my brain, it shrunk. And now, not only can I not remember things my husband tells me we discussed (I think he may be trying to Gaslight me, send help!) I can't wage word war on my children and come out on top. I know the logic is still there: when I am away from my children for any length of time, my brain bounces back and I can have coherent conversations. The numbness that is my brain's self-defense mechanism against the crazy wears off.
At my worst moments, with my children I have been known to be very illogical. If the Father of All Logic (no, not Socrates, Mr. Spock) lived in this house, he would cock his eyebrow at me, with the sardonic look he was known for on Star Trek and tell whomever would listen how "highly illogical" I was. And then I would probably get pissed off and get all up in his grill, tell him to take it back because I would be so high strung with him watching my every move and all, and he would end up havin to use that Vulcan nerve pinch that he does, the one that makes everyones' eyes roll back in their head, knees buckle and pass out? And well, that would suck thank you very much!
If Spock was in my house, my son would be so thrilled, there would be no living with him. As I write this, there are no less than 10 Star Trek episodes on the DVR. And that is after I have pared them down!) Also, my oldest daughter would be thrilled to hang out with Spock, I think he would "get" her in a way that no one else does. She isn't that much into the emotions as much as the cold, hard facts of life. Some days I think I am the weird one, and everyone else in my family is the norm. And technically, by the definition of "norm" they would be normal, the majority of my house. So, I am the crazy one. Yeah, I can't believe it either.
Case in point: Exhibit A, Bring On Da Crazy! I don't think that screaming as though I am throwing a tantrum (which I kind of really wasn't, just wanted my daughter to get what she looked and sounded like..I swear. WHAT?) is a very logical approach to an out-of-control child. But there are times that nothing else works. I come up empty and throw a Hail Mary pass. Just like almost every other Hail Mary in sports history mine doesn't work either. I was hoping she would laugh, instead she just gave me the weirdest look, the one where I have no idea what is going through her head. Then she threw herself on the ground and amped up the volume. As if to say, "HA! I win this one, woman!" I backed off, because, Yeah. The ground is hard! I guess I just wasn't committed enough.
Need more "evidence"? I have blogged the interactions that I have with my children as well. How logical is discussing pooping robots, zombies and quesadillas in the same conversation? (certainly hope hands were washed before eating!) Or the non-sequitur that is my son's idea of social exchange. How do I maintain any semblance of sanity and logic in the face of the comments he makes? There is no rhyme or reason to my motherhood, some days.
I mean, logical thought when your son has just mooned an entire construction crew in line at McDonalds (who thought it was incredibly funny and egged it on)...I challenge you to find some! I know I certainly couldn't. I wanted to find a deserted island and a margarita! (Jimmy Buffett, where were you when I needed you? Probably on some boat somewhere..where it was 5 o' clock, dammit...) I wanted to fall through the floor. Instead, I calmly took our food to the table and we ate. Now that's not logical. I could have gotten the food to go so that prying eyes wouldn't bore holes in the back of my head, as they wondered what the HELL kinda mother was I, that I let my son show his butt crack to the world? (in my defense, he was 4 then, hadn't been diagnosed with high-functioning autism then, and hasn't done it since. He is 10 now).
My family defies logic. (except for my oldest daughter, JBug who is very logical, at least on her end). But that presents its own set of problems. She is also a teenager, and they have a brand of logic that someone over 30 just can't comprehend...mainly, you are wrong. If you question this, read the last sentence again! Period, that's the end of that. With her reasoning and lack of emotion sometimes, if I didn't know better, I would think she was a Vulcan.
And all of this is why having Spock over would just never work. JBug and he would be like Mendel's pea experments...alike, but normal people wouldn't be able to understand them! And of course, they would gang up against me, on some issue or other. So I am sure I would get all emotional and they would cooly tell me how illogical I was being, and my daughter would inform me the argument I am using for her to load the dishwasher is a fallacy and I would pull my hair out and threaten to jump off a bridge. (Just kidding on those last two). Just an aside, I DO NOT recommend allowing your teen to take formal Logic, unless you just like feeling stupid a lot... I mean, I can argue with the best of them, but how do you argue LOGIC? She thought she was so smart, calling me on my "invalid" arguments... then I wised up.
I just reminded her..I am Mama. I invented arguments before she was born, thank you very much. And, Mama wins in the face of, kicks butt on, trumps any logic that is in that book she is studying. Yup. When she gets to be a mama, then she can use the same ace in the hole. Until then, suffer baby!
So, going back to the beginning, my non-logic works for me. You can't learn my brand of logic from a classroom. Socrates didn't teach it, and if he did I am sure he would have gone mad. To outsiders, it would appear my methods may not work. I can live with that. I reserve the right to do whatever the hell I think works. Cause I'm the Mama. And Mama Logic is whatever I say it is. Today, I think it's about pooping. And robots.
This was a post I wrote for the Mother of All Bloggers Contest, and when if I make the Top 10, I am going to need you all to vote for me! So cross fingers, toes and let me know you're out there!
"It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains."
So begins the newest book I have to have.
Every once in a while a book comes along that you have to read, at first glance,just for the title. I am a fan of Christopher Moore.(You Suck, a Love Story) I love Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman.(Good Omens) Douglas Adams is wonderful.(So Long And Thanks For All the Fish). Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell is one of my absolute favorite books (think: a cross between Jane Austen and Harry Potter). I like my fiction silly, intelligent, insightful and tongue-in-cheek. So when my daughter told me about this book, I laughed out loud.
I am a fan of Jane Austen and her writing style. Pride, Prejudice and Zombies melds Jane Austen and Shaun of the Dead into a piece of literature featuring class snobbery and... zombie attacks. They had me at zombies.
No matter how good or bad this book may be...the concept is Pure Genius Man, I wish I'd thought of it.
T, who is sure they are already fighting over the movie rights
scroll to the bottom for list of April Fool's Day pranks online...after you read the post, of course...
Just in time for April Fool's Day..my little daughter decided to come out of hiding.
JBean has a new past time. For hours, she will take pictures and make videos with Photo Booth on the Mac. Today, I managed to upload a couple of them to YouTube for your torment enjoyment. Now that I know what I am doing technically, be ready for more videos.
If you think this is bad, keep in mind I listened to this for 3 hours. She was having so much fun, I didn't have the heart to stop her.
Still here? Ok, then, try this one. Something about bunnies, kangaroos and bears that eat people. And spiders. There's spiders in there, too.
T, who figures maybe she will learn something about tech by playing
Throughout the day, I will be updating the April Fool's Day goofiness I find on the web. If you come across stuff I haven't updated, put it in comments w/ link and I will add it.
Today is Friday the 13th, but then you knew that. I am not particularly superstitious, but I got some bad news from a friend I really care about, and it just seems to fit the day. I am also kind of ticked off at God over it. This friend has had enough adversity lately! I can't divulge because it isn't my news to tell, but it has me really upset. Also, I would imagine she feels eaten by zombies right about now..
Seems like a good day for a rerun of my Zombies post....
...Warning, we interrupt this regularly scheduled post to bring you important news about the coming crisis:
"Life. slightly dark, cheaper than candy, and half as sweet."
Glad you're here! I'm a freelance writer, specializing in autism, special needs and education. I freelance for numerous national publications. This is where I let it all hang out, sans editor.
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