Careful Love

Rabbi Yehoishophot Oliver

In the Chabad world we talk so much about the importance of loving our fellow Jew, every Jew, that sometimes we forget that there are limits.

The Previous Rebbe writes:

We should invest as much energy as we can to have a positive impact on a Jew and revive his inner self. This should be accomplished by drawing him close. However, one should remember that this closeness requires great caution, so that one does not befriend him too much. For just as one influences the other person, so does the other person exert influence on him.

There are several levels [of influence that the other person exerts]. At first one feels pity for the other person, and this leads to finding a limmud zechus [an attempt to judge favorably someone who appears to be acting unconscionably]. So it should be; one should find a limmud zechus for the other person’s actions. However, the other person should not know about it. Rather, one should do so in private. One should weep profusely and recite a chapter of Tehillim [Psalms] for him, and beg Hashem to have mercy on him.

This is the meaning of love for one’s fellow Jew: Every Jew should do [what is necessary to help] his good friend, but be careful not to become overly close with him until, with Hashem’s help, the other person reaches a good, upright level, such that it is appropriate to befriend him.

Likkutei Dibburim, Vol. 1, pp. 11-12.

In my own words: Although one should love every Jew ad mitzui hanefesh (“to the very core of life itself”—HaYom Yom 18 Av), this means that one should assist him, do him favors, and truly feel a deep bond with him as one’s brother and sister. However, it does not mean that it is appropriate to befriend every Jew equally. A truly close relationship is always two-way, with each member of the relationship having an impact on the other. Thus, if another Jew behaves inappropriately, one should keep a distance from him, because one is liable to be influenced.

Yet this does not mean that one may not have any contact with the one who is unfit for a close friendship; on the contrary, one should relate to every Jew with warmth and affection. However, one should be careful not to come close to him as one does to a friend who is one’s equal, for then one is susceptible to being adversely affected.[1] Also, one expresses love for the Jew whom one fears may negatively influence him by pleading Hashem to have mercy on him and help guide him to Teshuvah (on this topic, see here). This is the true way to express love for this Jew.

Exactly how one puts this into practice needs to be determined in each case individually.

Comments:

1. The reason that one should not tell the other person of one’s limmud zechus on him or her seems clearly to be that he may regard it as an endorsement of his inappropriate behavior (on this topic, see here). However, when speaking to others, and to Hashem, one should seek a limmud zechus for that person’s behavior.

2. This teaching conforms with the general principle taught in Chassidus that each middah (character trait) in Kedushah, holiness, always involves a balance with its opposite. Thus, Chessed, kindness, must be balanced and complemented by Gevurah, strictness (see here).

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[1] Cf. Mishneh Torah, Laws of Teshuvah, 4:24—
"והמתחבר לרשע, מפני שהוא לומד ממעשיו והן נרשמים בלבו הוא שאמר שלמה ורועה כסילים ירוע."

Chassidishe Friendship

In a letter dated 14 Sivan 5697 (1927, which was also the day before the Previous Rebbe was captured by the Soviets) Reb Rafael Nachman Kahn, then living in Europe, writes to his comrade from Tomchei Temimim (the Lubavitcher Yeshiva) Reb Yisroel Jacobson, who had immigrated to the US:

How are you, my brother? I take it that the spirit of America has not yet entered you, and you still recall the way you were just as if you were here. However, I feel for you, for your loneliness, that you don’t have those companions and friends that you had here. Before your journey we discussed this, and agreed to write to each other, so that at least we would communicate by correspondence.

Zikaron Livnei Yisrael, p. 123.

This letter is so beautiful. It expresses such a deep, personal relationship between chassidim. Even after his friend traveled to the other side of the world (and of course then the US was much further away from Europe than it is today, with modern transportation) one chossid reminds his friend that he is still thinking about him, cares for him, and worries about his feelings of loneliness in not having other chassidim with whom to interact and from whom to draw inspiration, and reminds him of their pact to maintain their friendship despite the vast distance between them. He also subtly reminds him to stay on guard against foreign influences in his new place of residence.

If only chassidim of today would learn from the example of chassidim of earlier generations in the way chassidim should learn to establish deep, lasting friendships with one another, and truly care for the material and spiritual welfare of one another. This would provide them with tremendous strength in their Avodah, and thus automatically forestall many problems. Of course, this type of chassidishe friendship is just as necessary for girls and women to establish among themselves.

Unfortunately, at least in my own small experience, for many this type of relationship is sorely lacking. Moreover, there is often a sense of aloofness, loneliness, “every man for himself,” and indifference even when one is in the company of other chassidim with whom one is acquainted from the same community. I’m not saying that there aren’t still warm chassidim; there are definitely many, but sadly they are rarer, as are friendships of the kind described above.

The only way to change this situation is through conscious effort. It simply won’t happen on its own. Our Sages say K’nei lecho choveir—“acquire for yourself a friend” (Avos 1:2). I.e., one must actively pursue a friend in order to have one. For this one must search, because various people may not be suitable candidates, whether because of a personality clash, or because they do not qualify as peers, whether because they are on a much lower level than oneself or because they are on a much higher level than oneself.

Yet we have been assured, “if you toil, you will find.”