On Marital Harmony II

On Marital Harmony II

(See On Marital Harmony I here)

Impact of Awareness of the Imminence 

of Moshiach on Relating to One’s Wife

When one considers the fact that we find ourselves at the end of the age of exile, close to the true and complete redemption (may it happen speedily in our days) when the feminine aspect will be dominant over the masculine, this very awareness fosters respect and care towards one’s wife.

Igros Kodesh, Vol. 6, p. 202.

Exerting a Positive Influence on One’s Husband

When it seems—sometimes perhaps with justification—that one’s husband could be “on a higher level,” one should take into consideration that Hashem has already decided upon this match long ago. Thus, just as when one detects a fault in oneself, the solution is not to cause oneself pain, but to seek painless ways to rectify the fault, so should it be—and to an even greater degree—between husband and wife. For ultimately it is hard to know what the other person is going through, and the difficulties that he went through in past years.

However, when he sees his wife’s softness and firm sense of trust in Hashem, the husband will then regard the entire world in a different light, and see that Hashem is the master of the entire world, and of their personal home in particular, and its environs. This will then put one in a good, joyful mood.

Experience shows how worthwhile this approach would be even for your own sake, for this approach brings warmth and calmness to a degree that far outweighs the effort required to compromise and forgive. 

Igros Kodesh, Vol. 9, pp. 119-120.

Torah Observance Bolsters Peace in the Home

You must found your home on true foundations of Torah. This is not only important for the neshamah to succeed, but also for the body to succeed, and it makes no difference whether you understand this. This is comparable to one who obeys the directives of a great professor, and the person benefits from doing so even if he doesn’t know the reason behind the directives. This applies all the more to instructions from the Creator, Who is the Healer of all flesh.  ... You should not forget the main point—that you must bring peace between the soul and the body, for this will immensely facilitate peace in the home.

Igros Kodesh, Vol. 5, p. 224-225.

Differences of Opinion between Husband and Wife

Our sages say that everyone has a different way of thinking.[1] This implies that despite this, true peace is attainable and necessary between every single Jew, and all the more so between husband and wife, for when they act according to Torah and mitzvos, our sages say that the Divine Presence rests in their midst.[2]

Only after the couple is blessed with children who reach the age of education does the concern that the couple may disagree about how best to educate their children become practically relevant—in other words, only after a number of years. But by this time their opinions will certainly have changed. Likewise, children bring tremendous emotional intimacy between their parents, and one cannot know at the outset the nature of this change and the extent of this intimacy. Based on our faith, one should harbor strong hope that this intimacy will occur to a great degree. Even if differences of opinion remain, they can reach a compromise between themselves, and their house will be an “everlasting edifice.”

Likkutei Sichos, Vol. 24, p. 467.

Conditions for Proper Family Life

A proper family life demands from the man, and even more so from the woman, more attention to be devoted and refined, which most cost much time and energy. ...

A proper family life according to Torah requires understanding, effort, devotion, patience, a good heart, cleanliness, calmness, an orderly appearance, a happy mood, a smiling face and friendly behavior. This is the way that both the husband and wife should behave, but in the majority of cases, this depends upon the woman, for “The wisdom of women built her home”[3]—the woman builds the home.

Igros Kodesh Admur HaRayatz, Vol. 5, pp. 57-59.

Willingness to Compromise

We find that Rochel was ready to compromise [and give up being buried with Yaakov Avinu in the Me’aras Hamachpelah] in order to be of assistance to her children. This is the main quality that every proper Jewish woman should have, whose role is to serve as the “main part of the home.”

Likkutei Sichos, Vol. 30, p. 239.

One Who Encounters Many Obstacles Knows: 

This is One of His Main Tasks

The very fact that you encounter so many obstacles to maintaining peace in the home demonstrates that this is one of your main tasks in life. It is implicit in the words of the Arizal, and explained in Chassidus, that the souls of these generations were already in this world, and they are coming back in a reincarnation, with the main purpose of rectifying areas that were lacking in the observance of the 613 mitzvos in previous incarnations.

Obviously, these souls are also obligated to follow all the 613 mitzvos, even those in which they did not fall short in a previous incarnation. The difference is that when it comes to mitzvos in which they did not fall short the previous time, the evil inclination does not mount as much opposition. It only presents enough difficulties so that free choice will remain, for in these matters, the person has already been refined in previous incarnations. In contrast, in areas in which they were lacking on previous occasions—i.e., in which their portion in this world and in the part of the soul connected to these worldly matters was not refined—the evil inclination fights with maximum force.

Igros Kodesh, Vol. 5, p. 39.

Considering the Similarity of One’s
Wife to the Jewish People

When one thinks about one’s wife, one should always keep in mind that the entire Jewish people and every individual Jew is referred to as the wife of the King of all kings, the Holy One, blessed be He. When we offer requests from Hashem that He relate to the Jewish people—whom he refers to as “My beloved one”—by fulfilling their requests for the good, we should know that an “arousal from above” depends upon an “arousal from below.” Thus, this is also the way that one should treat one’s wife—as the Talmud says,[4] one should honor one’s wife more than oneself.

Igros Kodesh, Vol. 6, pp. 201-202.

Opposition to Marital Harmony is
Much Greater at the End of Exile

I would imagine that you will encounter the most obstacles [in the area of self-rectification] in the realm of peace in the home, for it is known that peace is great, and the ways of the entire Torah are pleasant, and all its paths are peace. This opposition is particularly great in this final exile, which, as mentioned in the Gemara[5] befell us because of lack of peace. The closer we approach the time of the end of exile, the greater the opposition of the other side to prevent peace in the world in general, and between husband and wife in particular, for they are comparable to G–d and the Jewish people, respectively. However, “the load is according to the camel,” and G–d surely grants one the strength to overcome this test.

Igros Kodesh, Vol. 4, pp. 422.

________________

[1] Berachos 58a.

[2] Sotah 17a.

[3] Yeshayah 44:13.

[4] Yevamos 62b.

[5] Yoma 9b.

Night and Day—Body and Soul

Night and Day—Body and Soul

Rabbi Yehoishophot Oliver

“In the beginning, Hashem created the heavens and the earth. ... And there was evening, and there was morning, one day.”[1]

There are many fundamental differences between the Torah and non-Torah approach to time, and this manifests itself on many levels. One of the most immediate is that although all agree that a period of a day consists of a period of daylight and nighttime, the non-Jewish world defines a period of a day by saying that night follows day, while Torah in general, and halachah in particular, rules that day follows night.[2] On a practical level, this is most apparent on Shabbos (and Yom Tov), which begins at sundown and ends after three stars have emerged the following night.

But it applies to every day as well, and we must keep this in mind so that we can approach life with a mindset drawn from Torah, instead of the secular model with which we are surrounded.

This is also evident in the prayers, which are alluded to in the verse, “Night, morning, and noon, I will tell.”[3] We relate Hashem’s praises starting in the evening, with the Ma’ariv prayer; then we continue in the morning, through Shacharis; and we conclude in the afternoon, through Minchah.

But on a deeper level, the Torah is telling us a lesson about our inner selves, of which the external world is a reflection: 

• Darkness and night correspond to the body, which conceals the Neshamah and the absolute reality of Hashem, and pulls one down toward the physical and coarse.

• Light and day correspond to the soul, which illuminates spiritually, for it inspires the Jew with the reality of Hashem and a yearning to connect to Him; likewise, it grants him the ability to illuminate the surrounding world with awareness of Hashem and the desire to submit to Him.

Here, too, we find that “day follows night”—Hashem created the body first: “Then G–d, the L–rd, formed the man of dust of the ground,” and only then did He instill the soul into it: “ ... and He breathed into his nostrils a soul of life.”[4]

The same goes for the way in which a Jew should approach self-refinement—refining the body must precede revealing the Neshamah:

Refining the body: This consists of rejecting coarseness and selfish materialism (“chumriyus”) from one’s life and refining the physicality of one’s body (“gashmiyus”—see here for explanation of the difference between chumriyus and gashmiyus) by humbling and subduing the body. This can be accomplished through Iskafya (see here) and through Teshuvah.

In particular, before prayer, one should contemplate the lowliness of the body for concealing the absolute reality of Hashem, which brings the person to humility and a broken heart.[5] This is also the meaning of “One should not approach [Hashem] to pray unless one has due seriousness.”[6]

Revealing the Neshamah: This is accomplished through prayer itself (see here), which consists of a series of stages in which the Jew reveals his Neshamah ever more in his body, until, with the help of Hashem, the Neshamah permeates the body completely. and then lights up the outside world as well through good deeds, devoted Torah study, and careful Mitzvah observance.

The main purpose of Tefillah is to grasp the greatness of Hashem and then become inspired with love for Hashem, thereby revealing the Neshamah. Here the focus is positive, and so Tefillah should be recited with joy. 

However, this joy is only possible because it was preceded by the bitterness at one’s lowliness that preceded prayer, for only after bitterness can one feel true joy.[7] (Note: This analogy parallels the analogy of ploughing being a necessary prerequisite to sowing discussed here.)

This is the meaning of “And there was evening, and there was morning, one day.” By serving Hashem through “evening”—subduing the body, and “morning”—revealing the Neshamah with joy, we reveal the reality of one—the unity of Hashem in the world. Thus, the Jewish people are called “one nation on earth,”[8] for they reveal Hashem’s absolute oneness even in this lowly physical world.[9]

This is also the meaning of the verse, “Days are formed, and if only [we could use to the fullest even] one of them.”[10] Each person is given a limited number of days to live, and the purpose of this time is that we reveal “one in them”—the unity of Hashem in every aspect of life. Moreover, the Hebrew word for one, echad, has the numerical value of thirteen because our task is to reveal Hashem’s oneness in the world through illuminating the ten faculties (which, generally speaking, comprise the intellect and emotions) and thought, speech, and action with this awareness.

Based on the Previous Rebbe’s Sefer HaMa’amarim 5700, pp. 142-143.

__________________________________________________________
[1] Bereishis 1:1,5.
[2] It should be noted that there are some exceptions to this rule; for instance, with regard to sacrifices the rule is that the night follows the day; hence, one who neglected to offer a sacrifice during the day may still do so until dawn of the following morning.
[3] Tehillim 55:18.
[4] Bereishis 2:7.
[5] Cf. Tanya ch. 29: 
"וגם ירעים עליה בקול רעש ורוגז להשפילה כמאמר רז"ל לעולם ירגיז אדם יצ"ט על יצה"ר שנאמר רגזו וגו' דהיינו לרגוז על נפש הבהמית שהיא יצרו הרע בקול רעש ורוגז במחשבתו לומר לו אתה רע ורשע ומשוקץ ומתועב ומנוול וכו' ככל השמות שקראו לו חכמינו ז"ל באמת עד מתי תסתיר לפני אור א"ס ב"ה הממלא כל עלמין היה הוה ויהיה בשוה גם במקום זה שאני עליו כמו שהיה אור א"ס ב"ה לבדו קודם שנברא העולם בלי שום שינוי כמ"ש אני ה' לא שניתי כי הוא למעלה מהזמן וכו' ואתה מנוול וכו' מכחיש האמת הנראה לעינים דכולא קמיה כלא ממש באמת בבחי' ראייה חושיית."
[6] Berachos 5a.
[7] Cf. ibid. ch. 26.
[8] II Shmuel 7:23.
[9] Cf. Tanya 114a.
[10] Tehillim 139:16. Cf. Likkutei Torah, Shelach end; Hayom Yom, 18 Nissan.

Dedicated in honor of the birthday of my dear wife, Atoroh Arielle bas Sarah on 22 Menachem-Av. May you have a shenas berachah vehatzlachah begashmiyus uveruchniyus!


Dedicated in the merit of a speedy release for the captives Yonasan ben Malka (Jonathan Pollard), Sholom Mordechai Halevi ben Rivka (Sholom Rubashkin), Yaakov Yehuda ben Shaindel (Jacob Ostreicher), and Zeva Rochel bas Chaya (Wendy Weiner Runge).

___________________________________

Like what you read? The articles I write take a lot of time and effort. Please contact me to sponsor an article for (at least) $36 in honor of the birthday, wedding anniversary, or yarhtzeit of a loved one, or for a refuah shleimah or the like. Also, see here concerning the tremendous merit of supporting the dissemination of Chassidus, and the blessings that one receives for doing so.

Meraglim: Breaking Through the Resistance

Meraglim: Breaking Through the Resistance

Rabbi Yehoishophot Oliver

“We cannot ascend to that people,” the spies declared, “for it is more powerful than us [mimenu].”[1] The Gemara states[2] that mimenu can also be translated “than He”—than Hashem.

The spies were not just delivering their conclusion from their intelligence report, and pronouncing that the land was too difficult to conquer in a natural fashion, through warfare. They were denying Hashem’s very ability to employ supernatural means to enable the Jewish people to conquer the Land. Even if He were to leave His vessels there, He would be unable to retrieve them,[3] the Gemara explains. They were uttering heresy.

Now, the spies were no fools. On the contrary, each one was the leader of his respective tribe, a personage of the utmost distinction and stature. Moreover, from all the Jewish people, they had been personally selected by Moshe Rabeinu for this mission, which required keen perception and shrewdness. So if they rejected Hashem’s ability to conquer the Land, they must, it would seem, have had what in their minds was a very compelling justification for such a dramatic statement.[4]

Yet the Torah relates that Hashem’s response was to castigate them, “How long will this wicked assembly provoke complaints against Me?!”[5] Hashem instructed Moshe to convey His rebuke and curse that on account of their spies’ sin, they and all the Jews who believed them would die out in the desert.

Moshe Rabeinu was not told to respond to the spies’ claim by discussing fine points of philosophy with them, and rationally disproving their misconceptions about Hashem’s powers. Moshe did nothing but scream at them and curse them, along with the entire Jewish people (besides the women and the tribe of Levi).

And yet the Torah relates that the next morning, the spies (and all the Jewish people) awoke early, and recanted their heresy,[6] repenting and confessing their guilt, “We are ready; we will rise up to the place of which Hashem has spoken, for we have sinned!”[7] Now, if they had believed that it was simply impossible to enter the Land, even through the greatest of miracles, why would the threat of death have changed their minds? After all, they had been so convinced that the attempt to conquer the thirty-one kings in the Land was foolishly suicidal that they had proclaimed their desire to ... return to Egypt, with everything that that entailed, rather than travel onward toward the Land!

The answer is that a Jew is more than his mind, known as the Nefesh HaSichlis—the Intellectual Soul. A Jew possesses a Neshamah, which is “a part of Hashem from Above,”[8] and this is his true, inner self, and the source of his faith in Hashem. Thus, the Jew’s faith is not external and additional to his being, a result of intellectual proofs; it is fundamental to his very being (see here and here). Jews are “believers, the children of believers”[9]—a Jew is born with a natural, inherent faith in the reality of Hashem and Torah.[10] Of course, a proper chinuch (education) is necessary, but this merely reveals his inherent connection with Hashem.

So what is the origin of the doubts that sometimes fall into a Jew’s mind? They stem from the coarseness[11] within the Bestial Soul. This soul stems from Kelipah, which is a negative spiritual energy that conceals G–dliness.

In a spiritually healthy Jew, the Bestial Soul willingly submits to the Neshamah’s influence, and thereby becomes elevated to serve Hashem enthusiastically. However, sometimes Hashem tests the Jew by granting the Bestial Soul the strength to challenge the Neshamah in order to conceal its powerful G–dly light. It can do this in many ways, but one of its tricks is to cast into the Jew’s mind doubts in his or her faith. “Maybe it’s not really true ... ” If such a thought enters one’s mind, one must expel it immediately, “with two hands.”[12]

If one sins and continues entertaining the doubt after it fell into his mind, then even if he doesn’t lose faith completely, G–d forbid, the doubt weakens his devotion and prevents him from serving Hashem with joy, for joy depends upon certainty, as the saying goes, “There is no joy like the removal of doubts.”[13]

Now, on its own, Kelipah cannot exist and sustain anything. Its only power to do so stems from the energy that it receives from holiness. And so in reality, nothing that receives its life from Kelipah has true substance.

Likewise, since these doubts emerge from the coarseness of the Bestial Soul, they too have no substance. Although they may vest themselves in apparently rational arguments, in reality they are nothing but the evil inclination in the clever guise of the philosopher of supposedly superior intelligence. Hashem tests every person on his or her level, and for some—and especially for the more intellectually inclined—the test of faith when it seems that reason dictates otherwise, is very difficult.

Chassidus provides the solution for these struggles. Be aware that not only is the Bestial Soul merely Hashem’s messenger to test the person, but it knows very well that Hashem is true; it harbors no doubts in faith at all. Rather, it is acting like a salesman trying to sell a gullible consumer a product that the salesman knows very well is faulty. No matter how convincing the salesman may sound, once you find out that it’s just a scam, you will ignore the salesman’s pitch, and tell him to take a hike. Likewise, Chassidus tips us off that the doubts we may have are not real, for every Jew believes in Hashem; rather, the doubts are nothing but a test from Above.

The Zohar[14] compares this (this was discussed in an earlier post here) to a king who has spent years inculcating his son with proper morals, and wants to test him in order to ascertain whether he had truly absorbed the king’s values. So the king sends a harlot to seduce the prince, and instructs her to “give it everything she’s got.”

On the one hand, she must faithfully perform her mission—to use her every wile to seduce the prince. However, inside she knows that in reality the king wants her to fail, and that only then will her mission have met with success. If, however, the prince succumbs to temptation, then the harlot has failed.

This answers the question concerning the spies. The spies’ doubts only seemed intellectual, but in reality these thoughts were nothing but the unrefined coarseness of the spies’ Bestial Souls seeking to topple them. And so Moshe Rabeinu rebuked the spies harshly, thereby breaking through the coarseness of the Kelipah, and revealing the spies’ Neshamos, which radiated the inner faith that had lain dormant all along, unaffected. No religious debates were necessary, nor would they have succeeded.[15]

So the proper response to doubts is not to address them head-on. Rather, do something tangible to purge the inner coarseness that is giving rise to the doubts.

Likewise, we find that (unlike the approach of many other well-meaning outreach workers) the Rebbe’s general approach to spreading Yiddishkeit is to avoid entering into debates and giving logical proofs. Instead, simply encourage a Jew to perform a Mitzvah. Every Mitzvah he performs breaks through his inner resistance, especially since it requires much inner effort for him to do so, and allows his Neshamah to emerge more and more. Then “One Mitzvah brings another in its wake,”[16] until the resistance is completely removed, and the Jew’s Neshamah comes into full blossom, with the Jew enthusiastically undertaking full observance of Torah and Mitzvos.

I will end with a story that illustrates the above lesson: The Rebbe once related that the Alter Rebbe once came into a shul in Shklov where many Jews had assembled to hear him, including several young Torah scholars who were skeptical about the teachings of Chassidus, and had prepared Talmudic questions to ask him. The Alter Rebbe sang a soul-stirring niggun (melody), and all the questions in the listener’s minds were answered. They ran toward the Alter Rebbe in their eagerness to become his disciples.

Adapted from Tanya ch. 29.

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[1] Bamidbar 13:31.
[2] Sotah 35a.
[3] Bamidbar ibid., Rashi.
[4] The commentaries discuss what this explanation may have been, but in this article we will not focus on that point.
[5] Ibid. 14:27.
[6] According to the Alter Rebbe in Mei’ah She’arim 26a, at that point the spies had not yet died, and they took part in this collective renunciation.
[7] Bamidbar 14:40.
[8] Tanya, beg. ch. 2.
[9] Shabbos 97a.
[10] This is in contrast to even the most devout of non-Jews, and even one who qualifies as a “pious gentile” because he accepts Torah and follows the Noahide laws (Mishneh Torah, Laws of Kings, 8:11). Yet his or her belief in Hashem is not an inborn phenomenon, but a learned and acquired understanding (Kuntres Uma’ayan, p. 130) that is a function of his or her Intellectual Soul.
[11] In the Hebrew, “chumriyus”—see here.
[12] Tanya ch. 12. It is a sin to dwell upon a thought of idolatry or heresy: “Do not turn astray to go after ... your heart—this refers to heresy” (Sifri on Bamidbar 15:39).
[13] Quoted in Hemshech Mayim Rabim, 5636, beg. Cf. Metzudas Dovid on Mishlei 15:30. Toras Ha’Olah 1:6.
[14] Zohar 2:163a. Cf. Kesser Shem Tov #115.
[15] Our response to the wicked son on the Seder night is also harsh, and doesn’t actually address his question; this appears to be the explanation for this approach.
[16] Avos 4:2.



Dedicated by Tzvi and Yehudis Rona and family, as a merit for the yahrtzeit of Golda Ruth bas Moishe Tzvi Halevi on 22 Tammuz.


Dedicated in the merit of a speedy release for the captives Yonasan ben Malka (Jonathan Pollard), Sholom Mordechai Halevi ben Rivka (Sholom Rubashkin), and Zeva Rochel bas Chaya (Wendy Weiner Runge).


Like what you read? The articles I write take a lot of time and effort. Please contact me to sponsor an article for (at least) $36 in honor of the birthday, wedding anniversary, or yarhtzeit of a loved one, or for a refuah shleimah or the like. Also, see here concerning the tremendous merit of supporting the dissemination of Chassidus, and the blessings that one receives for doing so.

On removing sadness and maintaining joy

Strength is not only physical; it is also emotional. And defeating an opponent requires both kinds of strength. In fact, sometimes the key to victory is not physical prowess, but motivation and enthusiasm. A warrior who is physically mighty, but feeling weak and sluggish, will lose when fighting against an opponent who is physically weak, but feeling energetic and confident.

In our inner world as Jews, a titanic struggle is taking place between two implacable opponents: the evil inclination, also known as the bestial soul, and the good inclination, also known as the divine soul. Each side craves total control of the Jew’s thought, speech, and action, and will stop at nothing to accomplish its goal.

However, before discussing how to go about waging this war most effectively, let us come to terms with the most basic fact of this situation: In order to defeat the evil inclination, a Jew must fight, and he must fight enthusiastically and courageously. This is war.

(This is the reason that armies use anthems and march songs—in order to infuse morale and confidence in their forces. Similarly, football teams hire professional coaches to egg on their players .)

The Jew must believe that he can emerge victorious in his inner struggle, and that despite the odds against him, he will win. Then, with the help of Hashem, he stands a good chance of winning. If, however, he doubts his abilities; if he is feeling weak, depressed, and low, then he is bound to lose.

This is not only true of a person who suffers from depression for no apparent reason.[1] Even if one’s sadness is totally legitimate and understandable, and no one will have any complaints against him for feeling that way, he must know that it must be overcome. The sadness is poison for his Neshamah, for it will weigh him down and sap him of the inner strength that he needs in order to defeat his evil inclination. And the more depressed he feels, the more easily the evil inclination will be able to entice him to sin.

In general, there are two legitimate reasons for sadness: Sadness from the awareness of one’s sins and the tremendous damage that they have wrought, and sadness from suffering that one has undergone.

In order to eliminate such sadness it is not sufficient to smile and clap one’s hands (although such external methods are recommended, as they may well significantly diminish the sadness, or at least help one cope with it). Each of these kinds of sadness can be eliminated by contemplating certain thoughts:

If one is sad about one’s sins, one should allocate a specific time (usually while reciting the Shema before going to sleep) in which to do Teshuvah. One should then consider one’s behavior, identify what one had done wrong, reflect upon the severity of the sins, regret them sincerely, and genuinely commit to changing in the future.

After this accounting and process of inner change is complete, one should believe wholeheartedly that Hashem has forgiven him, and be joyful.

Until then, when thoughts of past sins arise, one should simply make a mental note of them, and postpone further reflection on them to that designated time, knowing that the sadness at an inappropriate time is in fact a sneaky ploy of the evil inclination to weaken the Jew so that he falls prey to the enticements of the evil inclination.

If, however, the sadness has come from painful events in one’s life, G–d forbid, know and contemplate that in reality, these events are an expression of Hashem’s love. He is revealing to you a level of G–dliness that is so sublime that from your perspective, it is painful, because you lack the spiritual vessels to contain it. Work to refine yourself, and evoke love of Hashem within yourself, to the extent that knowing that you are experiencing a sublime level of divine revelation will lead you to joy, despite the difficulties of the external reality. As a reward for this joy, when Moshiach comes, you will be privileged to perceive this very divine revelation in all its glory, without experiencing any negative repercussions.

In summary, joy is vital for a Jew to serve Hashem well and overcome the evil inclination; conversely, sadness severely endangers one’s spiritual safety and must therefore be eliminated. Even legitimate sadness can and must be removed by using certain specific meditations, enabling the Jew to maintain an emotional state of joy, and thus have the upper hand in his war against the evil inclination.

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[1] Cf. Tanya ch. 31: “בשעה שהוא עצב בלא"ה ממילי דעלמא או כך בלי שום סבה.”

[2] The Previous Rebbe said: “A soldier ... even though he enters a situation of danger, he goes forth with a joyful song ... he goes with joy, and this makes him the victor” (Sefer HaMa’amarim 5710, p. 191; quoted in Likkutei Sichos, Vol. 3, p. 799).

Adapted from Tanya, chs. 26, 9.

The Damage of Depression

The Damage of Depression

Rabbi Y. Oliver

One of the distinguishing qualities of the path of Chassidus is the focus on constant joy, and in Tanya (ch. 26), the Alter Rebbe explains that only at auspicious times designated for a personal spiritual reckoning may one bring oneself to bitterness over one’s sins. The rest of the time, however, one must serve Hashem with joy, and completely disregard any sadness that comes from thoughts of one’s sins (see this earlier post).

In the letter below, the Previous Rebbe expands upon this concept, warning a chossid not to engage in any inappropriate sadness:

I have heard that you are worried and sad, and consequently you are neglecting your health and proper behavior in your eating, drinking, and sleeping. This is obviously disturbing your work to disseminate Torah and strengthen those who engage in Avodah [character refinement] and study Torah.

All those who study the teachings of Chassidus know that worry and depression, even when they stem from concern over one’s spiritual level, are wicked traits. Not only should one distance oneself from them, but one should uproot them at the root, for they open the way for all kinds of evil.

Our sages have said: “Such is the craft of the evil inclination” (Shabbos 105b). The bestial soul [another term for the evil inclination] is a seasoned craftsman, and his craft is to come to each person with a different tactic. To the small, the average, and the great—each one he approaches on that person’s level.

Sometimes the bestial soul comes wrapped in a Tallis not his own—with the appearance of the good inclination. He reminds the person of his personal faults, and rebukes and torments him. He advises the person to study works of mussar and threatens him, and his entire goal is to degrade the person and distract him from the tasks that he needs to do.

This is the entire intention of the evil inclination—to preoccupy and distract the person from engaging in good things. When he sees that he can only accomplish this through a method that apparently stems from fear of Heaven, he will slip on this garment in order to perpetrate his wicked scheme. This is why he is called a craftsman, for his enticements are committed in such a way that when he reprimands and torments the person for something not good, or bad, it is impossible to recognize his true face—that in reality this is the evil inclination.

Therefore our holy fathers, the Rebbeim, decreed that worry and depression, even from one’s spiritual state, is a wicked character trait, and they forbade it completely and utterly. They sentenced it to the four death penalties, that it be banished from the domain of chassidim, and uprooted until no minute trace remains, for even that brings great damage. ...

Igros Kodesh Admur HaRayatz, Vol. 4, pp. 356-357.

A Counter-Intuitive Solution

A Counter-Intuitive Solution

Rabbi Yehoishophot Oliver

Oddly enough, sometimes the most effective way of dealing with a problem is by not focusing on it. At first glance this seems completely counter-intuitive. Who ever solved a problem by ignoring it?

Tanya ch. 28 discusses one troubled by forbidden or extraneous thoughts that the animal soul casts into his mind in order to distract him from focusing on his prayers. The Tanya explains that the only way to overcome such thoughts is to simply disregard them completely; instead, one should focus with even more intense concentration on the words of prayer.

Focusing on the thoughts in any form is counter-productive, for the thoughts are comparable to an anti-Semite who persistently harasses a Jew. As soon as the Jew responds—no matter how clever he thinks he worded his comeback—he has lost, for that is exactly what the anti-Semite wants—to grab the Jew’s attention so that he can torment the Jew further.

Likewise, one who attempts to avoid the sin of forbidden thoughts by dwelling on why they are so wrong and sinful finds himself in the process still thinking about the forbidden thought, which in turn brings him to dwell on it further—and so he has fallen right into the evil inclination’s trap. “He who wrestles with a dirty man, becomes dirty himself.”

This principle applies not only to overcoming temptation to sin, but also in relating to past sins. As discussed in Tanya ch. 26, one of the ploys of the evil inclination is to bring one to dwell upon one’s sins and become saddened over them. But wait a minute, isn’t it a Mitzvah to do be sad that one sinned against Hashem, and do Teshuva? How can this be considered a bad thing?

To explain this, the Tanya states that part of the reason that the Torah instructs us to “serve Hashem with joy” (Tehillim 100:2) is that joy infuses one with strength and resolve in serving Hashem, enabling one to overcome the wiles of the evil inclination. Reflecting upon past sins and how terrible it is to sin naturally evokes feelings of sadness that weaken the person both spiritually and physically, and thus makes him even more susceptible to fall into sin. Since the evil inclination knows this—for it is called the “sly one” (Likkutei Dibburim, Vol. 3, p. 516a), it wants the person to think such thoughts. This is one of the cases in which the evil inclination comes with a “silk kapote” (Igros Kodesh HaRayatz, Vol. 4, p. 394; Sefer HaSichos 5685, p. 83), insidiously assuming a guise of piety in order to ensnare the person.

Only on certain occasions are thoughts of one’s sins and how to rectify them deemed appropriate: during Cheshbon Nefesh, a deep personal reckoning. There are certain times designated as appropriate for this, such as when reciting the Shema before going to sleep (Kerias Shema she’al hamitah), Erev Rosh Chodesh (also known as Yom Kippur Katan, the small Yom Kippur), and the entire month of Elul and the Ten Days of Teshuva.

What about sadness leading to weakness? The answer is that when Torah informs us that these times are auspicious for making a personal reckoning, this means that during these times Hashem grants from above additional strength that enables one to reach a certain amount of sadness over one’s sins in a way that will not adversely affect one’s divine service.

Moreover (as also discussed in Tanya ch. 26), as soon as one is finished with sadness and teshuvah, he should be confident that Hashem has forgiven him, and this should bring him to tremendous joy, such that by the time he finishes his personal reckoning, and turns his attention back to his regular divine service, he has returned to a state of joy.

However, at all other times one should be focusing not on meticulously assessing one’s exact level and analyzing one’s sins and shortcomings, but on the task at hand: serving Hashem.

(An additional reason for this is that it distracts the person from his main mission. This is comparable to a businessman, whose primary preoccupation should be selling his merchandise. Although he should take stock of his profit and loss, he can only do so from time to time, for if he is constantly engaged in stocktaking, he will certainly never sell anything!)

Then, when one focuses on increasing in Torah and Mitzvos, these thoughts automatically have no place to enter. And even if they do enter for a moment, they can be rejected easily, just as light is dispelled by darkness—automatically (see Tanya ch. 12). One is then surrounded with an atmosphere of holiness, and finds oneself in a much more pure state of mind and heart than if he would be constantly dwelling on how terrible sin is, how low he has fallen through his sins, and how vital it is to undo his past sins. Thus, this approach also protects him from sin much more effectively.

Thus, when people wrote to the Rebbe asking for advice in how to overcome “sins of youth” (i.e., indulging in lascivious thoughts of women and spilling one’s seed) and how to attain a tikkun (a spiritual rectification that will undo the damage done through the sin) for past sins, the Rebbe advised (e.g., here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and in many other holy letters) the person to divert his attention totally from such matters, and even from rectifying them; instead, the Rebbe advised them, increase in Torah study and in teaching Torah to others.

In this connection, here (also mentioned in Igros Kodesh, Vol. 22, p. 8) the Rebbe quotes the responsum of the Rebbe, the Tzemach Tzedek, who says (see here) that thinking and worrying about the “sins of youth” naturally leads one to the same undesirable results as those of forbidden thoughts. This is the basis for the traditional approach in the Chabad community not to discuss this sin, or its tikkun, on a regular basis (in contrast to the approach of certain other Chassidic circles).

That’s not to say that a tikkun isn’t needed, and that one shouldn’t do things to effect such a tikkun. At the same time that the Rebbe advises people to focus their attention elsewhere, and if they are at the right stage, to get married, he then typically prescribes certain practices that serve the purpose of both preventative measures and tikkunim. 

These include:

• engaging in assiduous Torah study, especially the study of Chassidus
• disseminating Torah widely
• giving tzedakah regularly and frequently, especially before prayer
• immersing in the mikveh daily
• learning Chitas
• memorizing some passages of Mishnayos and Tanya, and reviewing them regularly by heart, especially while walking down the street (see Igros Kodesh, Vol. 6, p. 326)

Other pieces of advice that were given that clearly seem to be preventative measures (and not tikkunim), include eating in a healthy way, not eating a lot before going to sleep, avoiding gossip and idle chatter, and having one’s tefillin and/or mezuzos checked.

However, one should follow these practices without being preoccupied with the fact that they are a preventative measure or a tikkun—although of course one is fully aware that this is so, and this awareness is part of his motivation to do them.

The exception to this rule, the Rebbe says in the above letter, is when dealing with people who are simply not aware that it is forbidden to look at certain things and engage in “sins of youth” in the first place (especially since some secular doctors and mental health “professionals” even encourage it)! Or even if they realize vaguely that it’s problematic, they are unaware of the degree of the sin’s severity. When dealing with such people one must speak openly about this sin, in order to teach people that it is wrong. However, once the person has grasped the severity of the sin, the most effective way of overcoming it and rectifying it is as above.

Inner Harmony By Living Up to the Inner Self

Inner Harmony By
Living Up to the Inner Self

Rabbi Yehoishophot Oliver

Can someone who doesn’t follow Torah and mitzvos be truly happy and fulfilled? 

Some say that yes, one can, and adduce the “fact” that “there are plenty of intermarried couples who live happily.”

I differ. By the Jew’s very nature, he needs to keep Torah and mitzvos, so if he doesn’t, he will invariably be unhappy. This is also true of a tinok she’nishba, one raised without a proper Jewish education. 

As for the apparent shalom bayis (marital harmony) of some intermarried couples, you never know what goes on behind closed doors. If the Torah says that Jews may only marry Jews, they simply cannot be happy living with non-Jews. Put differently, there is a true happiness and bond that can only come through marrying a fellow Jew.

(Of course, this is not to suggest that basic Torah observance is a guaranteed one-way ticket to happiness, for the evil inclination comes to every person on his or her level and seeks to bring him or her to fall. In fact, chapters 26, 31, and 33 of Tanya explicitly address the need to increase the joy even of someone who has already attained the lofty level of beinoni.)

Here the Rebbe clearly states that one who does not follow Torah and mitzvos will not be normal and healthy; rather, he will suffer from a split personality due to the intense internal war raging within him:

When one chooses in an undesirable manner, he is in effect waging war against his neshamah, for his neshamah is in a pure state; it cannot tolerate non-kosher food and drink, and cannot tolerate behavior that is not in the spirit of Judaism!

Thus, when one chooses in an undesirable manner, and fights against his neshamah, this causes him to have a split personality. His soul pulls him to act in one way, while his body pulls him to act in the opposite manner. Such behavior damages his neshamah.

In other words, it is incorrect to say that regardless which path he chooses, he will remain a normal, healthy person, for when he chooses a path that is inconsistent with the spirit of Judaism, he damages his true self—his neshamah.

The only reason that the damage that results from this—both to the person himself and to others—is not evident immediately is that G–d is patient, and gives him the opportunity to grasp the truth.

A person cannot change his true self. Even a child understands that he can change his clothes, but cannot change his nose, and he certainly cannot change the source of his life, his soul. Thus, his general behavior ought to conform with his neshamah, and then he will receive assistance from his soul in all his activities.

Then he will be healthy and whole, there will be no internal war raging between his “left ventricle” [the location of the evil inclination] and his “right ventricle” [the location of the good inclination] at every step of the way, for they will both be following the same groove, [as our sages say in Berachos 54a, that when we are told to serve G–d] “with all your hearts [in the plural],” this means “with your two inclinations” [both the good and evil inclinations].

Thus, a Jew should behave in a way that it is recognizable that he is a son of Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov, and for women, that she is a daughter of Sarah, Rivkah, Rochel, and Leah, and in a way that this behavior is evident to all the nations of the world. They should all see that he acts like a Jew, and does not strive to hide his true identity.

Hisva’aduyos 5742, Vol. 2, pp. 954. See this letter of the Rebbe, which expresses the same concept. See also Likkutei Sichos, Vol. 2, p. 574.

The same can be extended to a chossid. A chossid’s inner state depends upon the extent to which he devotes himself to growing and developing in his implementation of the directives of the Rebbeim in all areas. As a chossid, this is what his neshamah needs in order to connect to its root in the Rebbe, its Neshamah Kelalis (“general soul”). In doing so consistently, confidently, and unashamedly, he will find joy, personal fulfillment, satisfaction, and inner harmony. Conversely, if he is feeling unfulfilled and dissatisfied, this may well be due to his neglectfulness in fulfilling the directives of the Rebbeim.

Kashes: To ask or not to ask

Is it appropriate to speak in a complaining way against the Aibishter, to ask kashes (doubting questions) when others suffer tragedies? To in effect challenge the wisdom of the divine decree?

I recall being told that one can differentiate between davenen  (praying) for the future and complaining about the past:

If the painful events are ongoing and reversible, then we davven and are even allowed to demand (many Tefillos are written in a demanding tone) that from now on these events unfold in a good direction. However, when we hear the news of a final, irreversible event, e.g. that someone died (lo aleinu), the Torah tells us to say “boruch Dayan Emes”—blessed is the True Judge—and accept the divine judgement.

Are there any exceptions to this rule? Cases where we find that even after irreversible events occurred, Tzaddikim continued to complain against the divine decree, to ask kashes?

In any case, even if there is legitimacy to such kashes, they are liable to be atzas ha’yetzer, a ploy of the evil inclination to bring the person to fall:

1. Since by definition such kashes have no answers, or at least no truly satisfying ones, dwelling on them for too long can be spiritually unhealthy. These are, after all, the same sort of kashes that many heretics use to dismiss all religion and all belief in an omnibenevolent Creator and Director of the universe. So these thoughts can lead one to doubt Hashem altogether, G–d forbid.

2. Even if one’s emunah remains unshaken, these thoughts weigh the person down and make it very difficult to fulfill the Torah’s exhortation to serve Hashem with simchah (joy).

On the other hand, it seems that our role is to be the defenders of our fellow Jews, the saneigor shel Yisroel. It follows that if Jews suffered, it should bother us, and especially when the suffering seems unjust—when the righteous suffer. As the angels cried out when they witnessed the slaying of the ten martyrs, “Is this Torah, and is this its reward?!” (Berachos 61b) The Torah seems to be telling us that this was the appropriate response, especially considering that angels don’t possess free will. Granted, Hashem negated this, and responded “Be silent, so did it arise in thought before Me,” but that was a later stage. Although Hashem’s response to our complaint is to tell us to be silent, I don’t think this means that it was wrong to express the kashes in the first place. I think that the kashes are a normal, proper response from a thinking, feeling, caring person who seeks Hashem.

In my humble opinion there is a balance to strike here, where kashes are recognized and deeply bother the person, but do not affect the person in a way that weakens his or her emunah and simchah.