HGTV

I watch HGTV a lot. Pretty much, all the time. I suppose I'm in that demographic they cater to in a lot of ways. We're young, starting a new family, and open to lots of creative ideas on how to save, design, etc.

Recently, I've noticed that pretty much 90% of the guys on that show are gay (or appear to be). I don't really have much to say about that. I guess I just feel like I fit right in. :-)

Mini-meme

Here are the rules.
Here are the random 8:

1. I recently learned that I type over 90 wpm with 100% accuracy. Sweet. (Also, highly valuable these days!)
2. In the last 5 years I've visited every big church history site in the country... pretty much.
3. I've worked for EFY, BSA, BYU, MS, and AT&T.
4. I have several interesting hobbies... that I can't tell you about because then I would have to kill you (man, writing a meme anonymously is hard work). Okay, okay: gardening, music, blogging (shocker), programming, photography, art, and lusting after electronics.
5. Today I saw a person's back from the front (as in, during surgery after his guts had been tucked out of the way)
6. I've made lobbying trips to Washington D.C. every year for the last three years. Yet I know virtually nothing about politics.
7. If you Google me (my real name) you'll find some pretty interesting people: a horticulturalist, a football player, and a technical manager in San Francisco. These are not me (although I do show up).
8. I've been on TV a few times, but only once as a pundit. :-)

Never been tagged for one of these before. Weird. But now I feel loved. Thanks Kengo.

Let's see

I'm so behind on my blogging... and there are so many topics that have been knocking around in my head waiting to come out. But time is short and it's busy busy busy at the -L- residence. Or the -L- secret lair, if you prefer the comic theme.

Speaking of which, I can't quite recommend doing a search for gay comic book characters (what with having come across a few not-so-appropriate ones myself), but Northstar seems like a good upstanding kid, and the first out character in comics, from what I read.

Now, if only Marvel wants to license me as a gay super hero... my Mormon powers could do the universe a lot of good, I'd say.

Compliments of the QoQ

The QoQ recently noted this music from my favorite group, Barenaked Ladies. I'm not sure how to ditch the crazy video, so here it is in all its puzzling glory.

Awesome.

Penis enlargement

If you've been online once or twice in the last year, you've probably seen advertisements for free ipods, free computers, free plasma TVs... etc. If you've been too skeptical to click on the ad to see what the catch is, let me give you the 411. You have to sign up for a bunch of crap you don't want and take a "survey" that is nothing more than blatant forced marketing. If you properly jump through all the hoops, wait long enough for credit, don't lose the address of the website where you signed up, and the company hasn't completely screwed you by changing the terms and conditions of your participation by the time you finish the hoop jumping, you'll get the freebie.

I gave it a try and several months later found myself short on completed offers. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I needed only one more offer, and then it appeared--the promise of male enhancement in a little blue pill. Not the blue pill (Viagra), mind you, just an herbal wannabe with no FDA approval for any indication--almost certainly good for nothing except padding the wallets of greedy men who prey on the insecurities of small-penised men everywhere.

It was presented as a combination of everything good about the Internet: free, private, and a guaranteed instantly enormous penis that would change your life. I needed one more offer and it was the cheapest one. It seemed a matter of economy to go ahead and do it. I had to. And... just maybe, I thought.

This is the type of thing I feel guilty about. Not for anything I did--I wasn't even planning to use the stuff at first, just throw it away--but for supporting a company that is everything I hate. Trotting out their testimonials and "science" to prove what hasn't been proven. Making promises that are ridiculous on their face. Reinforcing the idea that men need to fit a ridiculous caricature of a body type... (this is sounding like an anti-Barbie tirade). I hate that "herbals" get a pass from the government to make all sorts of ridiculous claims and then have no regulation to ensure that they are produced with any kind of safety or that they actually do what they say they do. Herbal supplements can be good, but they CAN also kill you since their quality, safety, and efficacy are all just a shot in the dark.

Despite it all, the risks didn't seem so great when I sat there holding the pills and considered the possibilities (however remote). So I tried it. And, guess what? They didn't really make any noticeable difference. But, if you really want to give it a shot, I still have most of those little blue pills left. As for me... there's always surgery.

MoHo

Over the months I've been blogging, there's been a living anthropological experiment going on. We've formed a little society, and it's been kind of hard to define. Initially people seemed to call it "the gay Mormon blogs" or "the gay Mormon bloggernacle," borrowing the title from the larger group of LDS blogs. But this didn't seem to stick and seemed sort of long.

My wife called it the "queerosphere" one day and this term was popularized by Ty Babysfield and the Queen of Queers (to my best recollection). But I'm still giving credit to Mrs. L. The trick about the term queerosphere is that it doesn't explicitly say Mormon anywhere in there. How is this group of blogs to be differentiated from any other crowd of creative writing gays?

I've also seen the term "Gormon" used as an abbreviation for gay Mormon, but that was on a myspace blog that pretty much nobody here reads, and it didn't catch on because, hey, it's stupid.

Now, enter "MoHo". This is a catchy abbreviation for Mormon Homosexual coined by Tito and/or some combination of his friends. I think (and correct me if I'm wrong), that it was initially used to contrast "HoMos" from "MoHos" with the first syllable reflective of a person's personal priorities. I.e., if the person is Mormon first and foremost and still trying to live within the constraints of faithful church membership, they were a MoHo, otherwise they were a homosexual Mormon--a HoMo. This nomenclature makes sense to me, is clever, and actually seems to come in handy in some of the conversations I've had.

The problem is, without a lesson on the etymology of MoHo, how are people supposed to even know that's the meaning? There have been a few interesting conversations about who can be called Mormon or MoHo, and I'm not too eager to voice a strong opinion on that. So, I've caved to what seems to be the more popular usage and used MoHo in my sidebar to generically refer to one who self-identifies as same-gender attracted, homosexual, or gay and who has a connection to Mormonism. Maybe I'll have to break my sidebar links into multiple sections to clarify the distinction and use the term more aptly from now on! Or, I could just take the term off altogether. I hate to tinker with my blog... ;-)

Queer Lincoln?

In honor of President's Day (I guess), I heard a story on the radio today about how Lincoln might have been gay. This conclusion was drawn mainly from letters and records that show Lincoln likely slept in the same bed with other men on occasion, and even said such things as "I love you" once in a while.

I think I'd rather be gay Lincoln style, and avoid the sex.

Terms and Conditions

3 Behold, I would exhort you that when ye shall read these things, if it be wisdom in God that ye should read them, that ye would remember how merciful the Lord hath been unto the children of men, from the creation of Adam even down until the time that ye shall receive these things, and ponder it in your hearts.

4 And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost.

5 And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things*.

Moroni 10:3-5

*Terms and Conditions

All aspects of this Truth and Knowledge Promotion are defined hereinbelow and are conducted exclusively by God, hereafter "The Source". To the extent that anything contained in this Agreement contradicts or is in any way inconsistent with the Holy Scriptures, the Holy Scriptures shall control in all respects. If you do not agree to the terms of this Agreement in their entirety, you may not receive a Knowledge of the Truth, hereafter "The Product". Please check the words of living prophets periodically for changes, as The Source reserves the right to revise this Agreement at any time.

Upon The Source's acceptance of your request to receive The Product, as indicated by your express consent to this Agreement, The Source hereby grants you a revocable, non-exclusive, non-transferable and limited license to The Product to participate in life in strict accordance with the terms and conditions of this Agreement and as permitted via other instructions contained in the Holy Scriptures. You acknowledge and agree that all content and materials made available via The Source are the property of The Source. The Source may terminate this license to The Product at any time for any reason.

In attempting to obtain The Product, you agree to provide a sincere heart, real intent, and have faith in Christ. That is, to receive the Product you must be willing to accept The Product and all the implications included therein. Such implications may engender temporary confusion, disappointment, and regret, but such consequences shall be mitigated through faith and subsequently further engaging The Product.

Unless explicitly stated otherwise, any future offer(s) made available to you by The Source that augment(s) or otherwise enhance(s) the current features of The Product shall be subject to this Agreement. You understand and agree that The Source is not responsible or liable in any manner whatsoever for your inability to use or participate in this program, qualify for any knowledge of the truth, or for your inability to utilize any associated functionality. Inability to use The Product may arise from mistaking subjective personal experiences as part of The Product itself, acting in flagrant violation of the principles inherent in The Product, and other poor choices. However, The Source generously concedes a liberal tolerance for personal effort to enhance the product and for mistakes committed thereby, as long as users of The Product remember that The Product is clarified and becomes more usable by degrees (line upon line, so to speak) with patience and obedience. You understand and agree that The Source shall not be liable to you or any third party for any modification, suspension or discontinuation of The Product based on your own poor choices. You understand and agree that refusal to use the The Product is your sole right and remedy with respect to any dispute with The Source.

Should a dispute arise concerning the terms and conditions of this Agreement or the breach of same by either party hereto, the parties agree to submit their dispute for resolution by arbitration before the Lord Jesus Christ on the final judgment day.

It's genetic

Today I uncovered irrefutable evidence that SSA is genetic. It turns out that Another Other and I are, in fact, fourth cousins once removed. Our common ancestor was a prominent polygamist and the author of High on the Mountain Top. On further reflection, this should hardly be surprising in light of the following:

1. We are both brilliant
2. We are both married gay Mormons
3. We are both undeniably attractive people

You can see how this ought to put to rest forever contentions over whether or not genetics plays a large role in sexual orientation.

Another account

If you caught Master Fob's recent praise for Information Specialists (all true--my wife, for example, is a super information specialist), you might also be interested in hearing how Chabon's protagonists characterize the likes of Master Fob:

On this particular autumn night, only the prospect of another solitary evening lies before her. She will fry her chop and read herself to sleep, no doubt with a tale of wizardry and romance. Then, in dreams that strike even her as trite, Miss Dark will go adventuring in chain mail and silk. Tomorrow morning she will wake up alone, and do it all again.

Poor Judy Dark! Poor little librarians of the world, those girls, secretly lovely, their looks marred forever by the cruelty of a pair of big black eyeglasses.

-Chabon in The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay

MF, I hope you wear contacts.

The Great -L-

Grateful, shmateful

Thanksgiving is completely over-rated. There's no candy, no gifts, and the food makes me sick. Most of the good stuff I have in my life, I've earned, and I don't need this guilt trip like I'm unworthy of it all. It's taken sacrifice and work and, really, I deserve every last bit of the things I have. In fact, considering the long years of delayed gratification, the studying, the loans, I deserve a lot more than I have. Really, when I think about it, the universe has been completely cruel to me. And why? Why do I get essentially NOTHING that I deserve? Life is so unfair.

I thought about doing a post about all the good things in my life... you know, to try to put a positive spin on the travesty that is my unjust existence. I'd post some list detailing every random thing to find something good about it. "I'm thankful for income tax because it helps me to be humble. I'm thankful for speeding tickets because law enforcement is important. I'm thankful to have lost my arm on the job because now I get disability." But something inside me felt slightly cynical about such a post. So, I decided to fess up and tell you my REAL feelings. I deserve more.

To be honest, the touchy-feely nature of this holiday just makes me want to curl into a fetal position and block out all sounds and light. I mean, I have to spend it with the in-laws instead of actually getting a vacation, and grandpa will say the requisite speech about how glad he is we have our health right before wolfing a meal with 15,000,000 grams of saturated fat. We'll no doubt spend the rest of the evening in the emergency department getting his EKG and heart workup just like last Christmas. If we were really grateful for health, we would eat Brussels sprouts for dinner. And who's thankful for that?

At times like these I grit my teeth and remember that for every blessing I have in my life, there's a half dozen I've lost. For every opportunity taken, there were several opportunities irrevocably foregone. For all the triumphs in my life there have been exponential challenges rushing in to temper the headiness and redirect me to the gloom of reality. My life could have been so much better.

So. Thankful? I don't think so. Grateful, shmateful.

...
P.S. I loved all the beautiful Thanksgiving posts I've read today and over the last several days, and I just didn't know how to measure up. I especially loved the series on this blog and the personal notes on this blog addressed to virtually everyone on the Internet. Have a good one because... well... we're blessed.

Hit and run comments

I've been meaning to go on record for a while that I don't do anonymous comments. -L- is plenty anonymous for me. It surprises me to hear that some attribute obnoxious anonymous comments to me, because in my own mind I've never been shy about being obnoxious all out in the open. I don't hesitate to retract when it's necessary, and I have no interest or even inclination to be offensive and judgmental in a comment without taking responsibility.

Thanks to some really combative and antagonistic examples of anonymous comments, I do think Blogger should have a checkbox next to the anonymous submit button to affirm, "I am writing this anonymously for reasons other than that I am horribly ashamed of myself and want to avoid responsibility for my stupidity and insensitivity." There are legit reasons for posting anonymous comments, but cowards seem to eclipse them with their own hit-and-run tactics.

For example, I have several family members who don't quite have the hang of computers and the internet, but like to keep up with and comment on family blogs. So they use the anonymous feature in lieu of a login, but they usually sign their name too. For folks like these, I keep the anonymous comments enabled on my blog.

On the other hand, there's the "other" kind of anonymous. In this post, someone tried to impersonate me by putting in my pseudonym and blog address. How stupid and annoying is that? I didn't even see the comment until it was pointed out to my later on by someone else. It's enough to make a person paranoid.

So, anyway. Sorry for the boring post. But I do want to say explicitly that anonymous comments are never from me (except a few right after switching to blogger beta that I signed), and even if it looks like it's from me, if it doesn't have my avitar and link to my profile, it's probably not from me. Oh yeah, and if it sounds stupid, there's NO WAY it's from me. ;-)

Male urinals

I interrupt this stuffy discussion of In Quiet Desperation to bring you the following information: the context sensitive advertising in gmail saw fit to notify me just now of the availability of male urinals at Target. In case you're in the market... now you know.

George Bernard Shaw

I really like Shaw quotes. I've seen them, off and on, my entire life and wondered about the man. I just did a little search and found one author who thinks Shaw was a repressed homosexual. That makes me laugh a little bit.

Anyway, here are a few quotes I came across in the last few days that I thought were great. Some are funny and some make me think. I have lots more, but I figure making long lists of quotes dilutes their power.

Now, if only I wasn't too lazy to find the context for some of these to see what in the world he meant by them...

When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.

I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.

Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week.

A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it; it would be hell on earth.

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.

Self-sacrifice enables us to sacrifice other people without blushing.

Cute boys boxing

My wife hated the movie Annapolis with a passion, and when I defended it as "not that bad" she just said I only liked it because of the cute boys boxing.

The woman knows me all too well. And that's why our marriage rocks.

My favorite color

In moving closer to God, will I have to be homogenized? Will we all eventually shine the same bright white, or can I shine golden, or spring green, or vivid tangerine? Will my dark desires be the catalysts that make me more like God, or will they keep me different? Do I give off my own wavelength of light just by moving close to God, a cosmic Doppler Effect that somehow allows my movement to shine my own color of beauty to the stationary viewer, even as I draw closer to the center of the Universe, where gods and matter end? Is my individuality burned up beautifully like a meteor as I draw closer to my goals? Is the incredible journey to sameness the thing that sets us apart in the end? Are our scars what make us beautiful?

-Retarded Poet Smurf

My favorite color was red for a while as a kid. Then it was blue. I leveled off at green during high school and college and now I'm leaning toward vivid tangerine. I bought a rainbow tie over the weekend. I asked my wife if she thought it looked too gay but then decided I shouldn't worry. I like rainbows and I always have.

If God tells me the favorite color I should have, I'll agree. But in the mean time, I'm enjoying my scarlet couch cover.

I'm pretty sure He never will.