Better "because of," not "in spite of"

Chatting around the queerosphere, I've been polling a bit to find out what people do that helps their marriages or hurts them. Near as I can tell, there is a pretty solid correlation between being fully honest with one's spouse about sexuality issues and ability to positively deal with said issues.

My wife and I talk about the blogs, gay politics, and family issues on a pretty regular basis. Daily, probably. Our openness is one of the most wholesome and healthy things in our marriage. I can say what I think--cautiously and sensitively, still--and she will respect me for my honestly and candor. We've had our share of misunderstandings, hurt feelings, over-reactions, and the like. But we work at it. We work through it. And we're stronger, I believe, not just for weathering the storm, but because we're willing to face the realities of our lives and deal with them.

My struggle with same-gender attraction has been one of the most formative issues in making our marriage strong. We know our marriage is "high risk," so to speak. We know that we need to be super understanding of one another. We know that we are committed to each other despite the challenges.

Some marriages seem to be defined by "mixed orientation," which is one reason I think the term mixed orientation marriage is annoying. In the final analysis, an MOM is just like any other marriage--one in which a commitment is made to be sexual and domestic partners despite the challenges life throws at you. The challenges will be colored by external attractions in both cases, sexual intimacy will face challenges in both cases, etc. To quote Samantha:

I can name six marriages (not MOM) in less than thirty seconds that deal with problems with attraction, sexual interaction, impotence, low-libido, and other intimacy detractions. They have to work to be physically intimate, just as I may have to. They don't always feel fulfilled emotionally by their spouses. Sometimes I think we, in MOM's feel we have a special corner on the market when it comes to intimacy issues. We're whiners.

I don't know what to tell people whose spouses aren't ready to deal with the realities of having unwanted sexual attractions. You can't force someone to bump up a few levels of maturity and empathy. But, if there's a solution to be had, I'd say it's worth trying to find. Counseling, certainly, ought to be an option. And for those for whom it's not a likely option, I hope some solution is there for you, and I really do hope that you will find it and have a better marriage because of dealing with challenges, not in spite of them.

Choosing yardsticks

Prayer was the yardstick by which my wife and I each decided to marry. And I recommend it as the most important factor for faithful Latter-day Saints when considering such a decision. However, prayer comes in a lot of different flavors and qualities, and you'll only want the best for this endeavor!

A suitable prayer will involve studying it out in your mind beforehand. This probably involves dating for an extended period of time (none of this falling in love in two weeks flat that I've heard about!). You'll want to know how your partner reacts in a wide variety of circumstances and situations. You'll need to talk explicitly about financial philosophies, ideal family size, gender roles, commitment to the church. When a snag comes up, see whether and how you can deal with it together. The way you play off of each other, the way you can give and take, is really important since a good marriage requires a lot of that.

One "yardstick" I arbitrarily chose for myself was that my wife would need to make me want to be a better person. When my actual wife came along, I thought she failed that test since she didn't really give a flying flip whether I swore or watched R-rated movies. I thought, she doesn't care if I'm EVIL! But, she was fun to be with and look at, so I kept her around. ;-) Eventually I realized that in all the important ways, she does make me want to be a better person. Thanks to her support, I'm becoming the best doctor possible, the best father possible, the best husband, and even a more righteous person. Her patience and support has known no bounds. It's so humbling to think about that my gratitude actually makes me choked up just thinking about it. Anyway, I'm glad I didn't hold too tight to that one arbitrary yardstick (although some version of it is probably good).

There are a couple approaches I've seen recommended for making big decisions. One is to trust the intial flash of insight you get when you overall consider some complex issue. The research on this one is pretty interesting. Another approach is to do actual research yourself--to have the humility to consider that there's a lot of wisdom in the world that you can benefit from. For example, parenting is a scary thing, but it's been done before. If you want to be a good parent, one trick is to actually read a bit about what's worked well for others. You'd be amazed at the data easily available to people, and amazed at the scarcity of parents who give that data any regard.

In the case of marriage, there are gazillions of books available. In the case of mixed orientation marriage, there are some. In the case of LDS MOM, there are few. But, what advice exists ought to be appreciated. The higher the stakes, the more important it is to really be as informed as possible. However, each data point is only a data point. I'm not a fan of turning over life's most important decisions to "the authorities," but neither am I a fan of turning up one's nose at those authorities.

Taking one's mass of experience and information into consideration, one is more prepared to present the issue to the Lord. Even then, it may be hard to open the quality of communication desirable if one is out of the habit of praying or not keeping one's church covenants. Prayer's effectiveness falls outside of the realm of science to measure, in my opinion, and will depend on the faith and faithfulness of the individual (which can never be suitably quantified for comparison). The manual on prayer isn't a scientific one, it's the scriptures. And even more data can be had through the scriptures, so it's a good idea to make scripture reading a part of one's investigation too.

In my opinion, the most important decision I've made in my life was to marry my sweet wife. Left to my own doubts and second-guessing, I may not have done it. But I prayed about it and the answer was affirmative. Since God knows me better than I know myself, I got married. Now I believe my job is to never look back and to make all my thoughts and efforts focused on making it work rather than reconsidering indefinitely what I need or where I'll be happiest. It's one place I think the Savior's advice applies about finding your life through losing it. The results of my decision to marry, and my efforts to make it work, will have "infinite and eternal" ramifications. It makes me glad to think I trusted God.

Opening a dialog

Since I'm excited to have some measure of Dr. Schow's attention, and to shift focus away from the size of my penis, I would like to open a dialog about the Dialogue articles written by none other than our own Master Fob and Dr. Schow. But, mainly Schow's. We'll always have Fob to talk about.

Dr. Schow's article highlights some of the limited information we have about "mixed orientation marriages" (MOMs), and offers some guidelines to help predict which marriages are likely not to end in divorce. Overall I really enjoyed the article and found a lot to agree with. But there were little nuanced things that bothered me, so I'm bringing them up here for discussion.

Why do so many marital relationships of this kind fail? Primarily because the homosexual attraction of one spouse creates a major difficulty, despite hopes that such attraction will diminish over time. In reality, the great majority of those who are homosexually oriented cannot fundamentally alter their feelings by desire, therapy, or religious practice.
...
The reality is that homosexuality is not a choice and, except in rare cases, is not subject to change.

It's no news that the idea that change is impossible is disputed by NARTH. I'm still considering the idea of reading Schow's and Byrd's books as a set to compare the disparate data they present. Regardless, I agree with the statement here except that I would modify it to say, "...In reality, the great majority of those who are homosexually oriented have not been able to fundamentally...". Per the APA's consensus statement there have been no scientifically rigorous data to prove or disprove the possibility of even Reparative Therapy as a viable therapeutic option, let alone other therapies that could be conceived and have never been tried at all. To say "can't" is what nearly everyone does, and is to overstate our collective knowledge on the matter. Resist, people, and keep a good balance between skepticism and an open mind.

Thus, marriage seems risky for homosexuals and even bisexuals since we presume that some will end their marriages without trying therapy and that those receiving skilled professional assistance still achieve only this level of success.

I'm in total agreement that marriage is risky (for heteros too), but perhaps there ought to be inquiry into the manner and quality of "skilled professional assistance" those in the different outcome groups received. I've widely publicized my initial biases on this matter throughout this blog. The fact that people so pig-headedly refuse to find a workable therapist (and it may involve trying more than one) irks me. Well, I said it. Now you all know what I'm thinking. :-)

One of the reasons so many homosexuals enter into such high-risk marriages is that they are encouraged to do so by many LDS counselors, therapists, and ecclesiastical leaders who are ill informed about the nature of homosexuality and the dangers of homosexual-heterosexual bonding.

The idea that leaders are ill informed on this topic is one I agree with. But I'm curious about the "dangers of homosexual-heterosexual bonding"... or is this in reference to the dangers of not bonding?

The vast majority of homosexual-heterosexual marriages fail. However, as Ben attests, some, with strong determination, choose to try and beat the odds. Such hopes of success are, in part, based on claims that some homosexuals have achieved successful marriages characterized by adequate sexual compatibility. Such claims, however, must be examined in the light of (1) the complexity of homosexual feeling as it manifests itself in individuals (the HH Scale); (2) the relative importance that individuals attach to sexual intimacy as an element in the marital relationship (strength of libido and capacity for sublimation of sexual desire); and (3) other important factors such as whether individuals have personal compatibility and maturity adequate to withstand challenges to the marriage which are far greater than average.

Here's where I'm lost. First of all, as Dr. Schow mentioned in a previous comment, we don't know how many MOMs fail, because the sampling is always biased. It's a privacy issue, a fear issue, a homophobia issue... whatever kind of issue it is, to say the vast majority fail is unfounded. To say the vast majority fail for those couples willing to come forward may be okay. To say the vast majority have failed for those who have written books, opined on blogs, or otherwise inserted themselves into dialog on the topic also might fly. But I'm not aware that anyone has managed to measure how many MOMs are out there plugging away unassailably. Do I think it likely that there are droves? No. But let's be precise so as to give people the best information possible with which to make life-altering decisions.

Also, in regard to this passage, I have some questions for Dr. Schow. Are these three characteristics "common sense" or have they actually been measured as contributing to the success or failure of MOMs? They sound plausible enough, but that alone is not enough to suggest they be used as a yardstick for making this decision. And here's why: you also say, "Much pain—directly and indirectly—results when these marriages fail," but you don't even mention the joy that those who were able to make it work may have achieved. Had I (a highly libidinous, Kinsey 6, man of average maturity) not married, I wouldn't be in the enviable position I am right now of being the happiest I have ever been in my life. I don't offer this to suggest that others can or will achieve the same thing by following the same path, but as an example of the perils of presenting only one side of the data (or patchy data or no data at all).

Using language like, "the odds are against him" bothers me a little bit too. Speaking of "odds" in scientific literature ought to be in reference to odds ratios or statistical measurements where the word has legitimate meaning. To use it as it is used here gives the impression that whether a marriage succeeds or fails is a matter of luck--where you land in that distribution curve is just a matter of odds. I couldn't disagree more.

Overall, the article shares some great information and an important caution about the dangers of hastily entering a MOM without a clear understanding of the risks. Many thanks to Dr. Schow for his tireless efforts to research these issues and help engender compassion and understanding within the church and society. Unfortunately, the repeated statements that adapting to heterosexual intimacy is impossible (sometimes with caveats, sometimes caveats omitted) and statements expressing opinions as facts (who "probably" should or should not marry) leave me disappointed that people will be misinformed on these points.

Marital bliss

I like it when people I've blogged about come to pay me a visit. I dunno, it just makes me feel important. Maybe Elder Oaks will come comment someday. :-) More likely an impersonator, now that I've said that!

In the mean time, Ron Schow stopped by recently to clarify his position on so-called mixed orientation marriages. The data for success is unfavorable, and given the recent planned divorces mentioned in the gay Mormon blogs I read, this has never been more emphatically on my mind.

Gushing about how great our marriage is and how happy I am has become a favorite past time on this blog of late, and I'm still standing by that. It's alarming to me how happy I am sometimes. Seems sort of indecent. Seems like I ought not allow myself such bliss while still struggling with so many issues in my life. I wonder whether it appears that I'm not struggling at all anymore--that things are sufficiently resolved (or repressed, depending on your inclination to cynicism) to put me riding off into the sunset. This makes me chuckle a bit, but I've been told I seem to handle everything with "relative ease" before, so perhaps people may get that impression.

The fact is, a couple years ago I wanted out of my marriage too. Not in a formal sort of way that involved conversations and rational thought and solutions (things I tend to advocate), but in a desperate, under-the-surface, frantic sort of way. This was before I had kids. I wanted to be freed from my marital situation in a way that wouldn't involve any pain for anyone involved--no blame, no long conversations, no tears, no betrayals. I wanted out scot-free. I wanted, during my most miserable moments, for my wife to die.

Yes, that is shocking and horrible beyond words.

But it was there, and I've since talked to my wife about it, and I'm telling you now because I tend to say stuff that no decent person ever would. So, I can understand when Laura says in her blog that she couldn't get married and be miserable for the rest of her life, because I was miserable for a while and there was no end in sight. I can understand the reluctance to consider marriage at all and the hopelessness that comes from feeling there are no happy alternatives.

But, somehow I'm still here and I'm now happy, and every once in a while when my wife takes longer than I expect at the store I have a horrible flash in my mind in which I wonder if there may have been an accident. And then I check the messages, look out the door, and fidget a bit until she arrives, safe and sound. If she takes particularly long and doesn't have her cell phone on, I may even start to ruminate on the worst possible scenarios, and they literally bring me to tears. Being a father and a husband makes me cry a lot, it turns out. I cry for happiness mostly, but once in a while it's out of fear of losing any of mine. I can't imagine life ever ever having the meaning and peace that it does without them all in it.

I can't explain how I got from point A (wanting my wife magically out of my life) to point B (horrified that anything bad might ever happen to her), but it surely has to do with Christ and positive change.

Straight sex

I first want to just extend a welcome to all who came here through a Google search. You may not find what you're looking for, and I won't be offended if you leave. Feel free to come back and bring your friends when I do my post on penis enlargement.

I've been meaning for some time to post about sex, but I haven't known exactly how to do it. Understandably, there is some curiosity among single mohos about how a gay guy can possibly father children. Granting it's possible in the strictest clinical sense, is it something that robs a guy of all dignity to have sex with someone to whom he is not fully sexually attracted? How about with someone to whom he is not the least sexually attracted?

Well, the only way I could get myself to write this post at all was to speak only in vague terms about where we've been in our sexual relationship. I don't want to cheapen what I consider to be sacred and legitimate intimacy by sharing too much, but I do want people who are interested to have an idea of what it's like to be gay, Mormon, married... and sexual.

There's no question we were off to a slow start. I never kissed my wife before we were engaged, and even then I found that I enjoyed it less than when I had kissed a guy. This was not surprising to me though--after all, I'm gay. What surprised me was that I enjoyed it increasingly. I loosened up, thought about her rather than me, and things got better.

On our wedding night we had a family prayer right away. It seemed like an appropriate way to start a family, and without consciously deciding to, I turned it into an invocation for our sex. I asked God to bless us that the sex would be "hot and gratifying". Unfortunately, there were complications. [Shocker.] I even saw a doctor about this (who was, looking back, a complete moron). Viagra doesn't really help a healthy gay guy have straight sex, FYI.

Over the first couple years of our marriage, we tried different things to make sex more enjoyable--to facilitate things. We tried getting lots of books from the library about sex (I liked the pictures... hee hee), we tried toys (dice, edible whatevers, etc.), we tried lots of positions and circumstances. We conceded that our situation wasn't one well documented, and we were going to have to do some primary research of our own to figure out what would work.

And eventually the orgasms came.

I'd like to be able to say here that my wife turns me on as much as any guy ever could. But alas, it isn't so. And besides, what would I have to blog about if I were already at that point? I'll get there some day. The sex is enjoyable despite that, though, because we've both learned that most of the fun is in giving to the other person. I want her to feel every good thing possible, and it turns out that I do get turned on when she's turned on, despite it all.

For now we still have to be unconventional sexual partners--working out the kinks because we love each other and we're best friends. We don't have to have sex, certainly. And I think a lot of mixed orientation marriages end up being a version of celibacy. But despite the unusual amount of work that goes into gearing up for and making love, I think it's important. For one thing, people that have more sex are generally happier and more successful ;-). For another, they're healthier. Maybe Scot can whip through the primary research and provide a bibliography for that, but I'm pretty sure that's an evidence based statement (notwithstanding the screaming problems with the causal connection I'm implying).

Thankfully, our sexual encounters aren't like that creepy scene in Angels In America. I'm sure there are gay Mormons who might approximate that... but with some communication, open-mindedness, honesty, and commitment, sex has been "hot and gratifying" on more than a few occasions since my invocation. Even when the sex isn't quite as hot... there's always the cuddling. Mmmm... I'm gonna go lie down with my favorite person.

To marry or not?

I wrote this a long while ago, but thought it was relevant to a few things I've read by others recently, so I went ahead and busted it out of draft status:

I remember the ache in a deep place in my heart. I wanted to be married so badly. I felt alone and needed someone to love me unconditionally--not just as a friend.

I've always been one to make friends pretty easily. At least, the kind of friends who are well above "acquaintance" but not quite intimate enough to call on a moment's notice to demand a shoulder to cry on. They would have said yes, of course, but I'm not one to make myself so vulnerable... even if it means being miserable in my wallowing loneliness.

Amidst the misery and self-pity, I had little insight into the fact that I was gay. I mean, I knew it in some sense. But it didn't weigh in consciously as a factor in my everyday decisions. So I still dated as if I were straight. I found no girls to be particularly what I was looking for, but I had a lot of fun just the same. On the rare occasion that I could comprehend the fun simultaneously with the inadequacy of it all, I realized I was in deep trouble. Fun wasn't going to get me a soul mate. And the soul mates I wanted were unavailable to me (as men).

Finally I got some good advice from my brother. He's an ardent Mormon in the true sense--works for the church, loves it, gives everything he has to it. I explained to him that there was a girl I had a lot of fun with (and had for years), but that it just didn't seem to be romantic or sexual. It didn't seem to be enough. Now, I suspect that he might know about my gay feelings even though we've never discussed it. He suggested that I consider all my feelings for her and not demand that it be a perfect fit. We had a connection, he said, that he had seen first hand. If we were both committed to each other, to the gospel, and recognized that life wouldn't be perfect, we might be right for each other.

Ultimately, God knows what is best. I'm one who believes there is not just one person in the world right for me, but that I could be happy with many of them. So, I asked God if she was right for me and he gave an affirmative answer. This woman knew by this point that I was gay. She accepted me anyway. We had a long history that I had never had with any other woman. We had had a lot of fun over the years. I thought that we could make it work. But there was a still a reluctant part of me that wondered if there was someone better. Should I hold out or should I just settle? My pride got in the way and the issue was suddenly not about sexuality at all, it was about finding perfection rather than accepting the love that was right in front of me. She loved me. I knew that she did. And on reflection I knew that I loved her. But the fact that it was only a deliberative love, not an unreflective one, gave me a lot of concern.

It took me several years to finally mature to the point where I realized that love can be something you perfect over time, given the proper quality and a sufficient quantity of raw materials. My gay feelings would be an obstacle more obvious than those imperfect character qualities that everyone has to deal with in marriage. And yes, it's qualitatively different, but not unmanageably so. We've made it work. And we continue to make it work. And despite all the nay-sayers who refuse to give any validity to our testimonial because of our relatively young marriage (not quite 5 years), I'm 100% confident that we'll continue to make it work.

I've never been happier and my loneliness is gone. The work continues, certainly. It's not all automatic.

But it's real. It's not a sham marriage. Despite the charges that I'm deluding myself, that I'm in denial, that I'm just a few months from melt-down... it's absolutely wonderful.

So. To the person who recently asked for advice on how to tell his family to lay off a little with their advice, I'd say just listen and relax. They might actually have something of value to relate, even if they know nothing about your sexual situation. Don't assume you will or won't marry. Live and learn, and stay open to God and his miracles. In my mind, it can always go either way until you close the door with your own self-determination.

Unconquerable

OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Invictus
-William Ernest Henley

Too familiar perhaps? But I still love it.

Have you ever laid down at night and when your head hits the pillow you realize with sudden clarity that you were beyond tired but failed to notice it because you just kept moving anyway? I sometimes stop and ponder whether I don't realize I'm miserable because I've just been too acclimated to it--but if I only had a moment of real freedom and gay enjoyment I would realize how much of a sham my attempt at a conventional family has been. And then I laugh out loud at the absurdity. Don't get me wrong, you'll see plenty of melancholy posts pop out of this blog, but the balance of my current life has been no less than charmed.

I've heard people claim that marriages like mine are destined to either fail or be propagated by sheer force of will despite that everyone involved is utterly miserable. By "marriages like mine" I mean a straight marriage in which one partner is gay. -L- must be some care-worn and prematurely aged 30-ish guy who puts on a brave face and continues through the motions of existence with no passion, no love, and very little life left after caving to the unreasonable... nay, impossible... demands of the LDS church.

Makes me roll my eyes just to portray the caricature.

But, perhaps it's precisely because I'm willing to weather the bad times without promise of relief--even when they're a bit extended--that I can feel comfortable knowing I'm the captain of my fate and my family's, and the fate will ultimately be a good one. If I have to endure misery for the circumstances I've chosen, I will. I'll continue "bloody, but unbowed." But I have full confidence that 1) such misery will be temporary, and 2) it's not inevitable by any means. Enduring calculated discomfort may be the secret to success in life... and so I don't really want or need to avoid all the misery I might be subjected to; but I have every intention of bringing happiness to the amazing folks who find themselves in my small family.

Scapegoating

I noticed in my last post a tendency in myself to use my past to explain away aspects of my life--to attribute cause and perhaps subconsciously also attribute blame. I try to consciously recognize and counteract such scapegoating because I think it's largely unproductive. Sure, the various circumstances of my life have helped to make me who I am, but ultimately I believe the responsibility for who I am lies in what I do with myself today, right now. And then I rightly have nobody to blame but myself for the character of the person I see in the mirror.

When Emma (who has since vanished into self-conscious lurker status) reminded me about the difficulties of mixed orientation marriage (yes, I know everyone hates the term, but it's at least common enough to be succinct and understood), I responded to her like this:

You mentioned depression and addictive behaviors and I'm afraid to say that I know intimately and personally how horrible dealing with such challenges can be (both from my own experience, my wife's, and other close family members... and my patients for that matter). However, my inclination has often been to attribute the problems we face in our marriage and my personal life specifically to my SSA. Now I've got a broader perspective and I think I've used SSA as a scapegoat inappropriately. That's not to say that it isn't a big challenge and that it doesn't influence every part of your married life, because it does. But there are healthy ways we've found to deal with depression and addictive behaviors within our current situation and we have no desire whatsoever for divorce.

I've never been suicidal, but I think the same applies. And I'm not suggesting that a person place blame on himself or herself, I'm suggesting blame isn't usually helpful at all when there are deep personal problems in our lives. If assigning a cause helps to mitigate it, then great. But blame usually just helps us feel victimized and absolved of solving the problem for ourselves. At least, that's the way I feel sometimes. I scapegoat lots of my problems as directly attributable to my struggle with porn, but what good does that do? It doesn't change the challenges I've got and the opportunity I have today to kick those challenges squarely in the butt. I can have better relationships with my friends, see guys around me as people rather than objects, etc. No more scapegoating for -L-.

As an extension of this topic, I've seen the church used as a scapegoat for all the difficulties people experience in the context of homosexuality. Blame is heaped on the church for not solving the full spectrum of people's personal problems--or for causing them. I realize that such blame is important for some to keep their feelings of betrayal fresh and hot, but I think the genuine mistakes made by church leaders or just the inadequacy of an organization to solve all of life's ills doesn't change the virtuous purposefulness and good that the church does accomplish. Attributing suicide to the church for its position on homosexuality is easy, but wrong. Folks who are suicidal because of an inability to deal with their sexuality within the church's context need professional help, not for the church to change its doctrines.

So there you go. It can't all be blamed on your parents, on being gay, on your struggles with porn, or on the church. Whether it's your being gay, your marriage, your personal flaws, or your unhealthy emotions, you can deal with the realities regardless of where they came from. And by "you" I mostly mean "me"!

Spouses

Emma sent me a message recently asking where all the blogs were of spouses of LDS gay folks. I didn't know of any but sent her to the disciples2 page and Emily Pearson's Wildflowers site. It seems like people have mentioned others, but I can't remember them. Anyone else remember? Emma decided to go ahead and start her own blog at emma-emmawrites.blogspot.com and I've enjoyed reading her posts as well as her comments around the blogs.

I just wanted to say welcome, Emma, as you look for insight and support.

Full disclosure

I recently discussed with my wife that moment when I came out to her. I remember it as awkward, very embarrassing, and still sort of heroically wonderful. It was the first time I ever admitted I was gay to anyone other than a therapist.

But, I have a terrible memory, and for this reason I generally charge my wife with keeping track of life's most important reminders. And my wife's recollection of the event is a little different from my own. She remembers me saying, "I think I might like boys... sometimes." The careful reader will note that this is not identical in declarative solidity or content to "I am gay."

Over the last several months I've read with interest the accounts of other gay married men who either came out to their wives before or after marriage, as well as Oaks' comments on the subject and others' takes who are only spectators to the situation. The general sentiment seems to be, shame on you if you didn't tell your wife exactly what she was getting into before you married her. And, in some few cases, this may apply. But I really feel that the majority of cases (mine included) suffer from a lack of full disclosure not because of some sneaky reluctance to be honest, but because there has been such a lack of self-understanding that one could just as easily say, "Based on my feelings, I'm not sure if my gallbladder is performing at 100%."

I still don't fully understand the nature and depth of my homosexuality. But neither of us quite knew at the time we were dating and engaged that it would be as hard as it has been. I didn't think pornography was going to be the long-term problem that it has been, and she interpreted my "coming out" as a turning point--believing that having finally admitted it I was in a position to just walk away from it.

Back when the SLT article came out about gay married Mormons, many an idle commenter declared us to be naïve in believing our marriage could work. I believe we were naïve in the same way everyone is naïve when starting something as strange and new as marriage--there's no way you can know the odd ins and outs without experiencing them firsthand. And we were ignorant to the depth and breadth of the challenges my homosexuality would create for us. But we were not naive in the largest sense--we knew marriage would send us all sorts of curve balls, and that we would need all our loyalty and commitment to one another and the gospel to make it through regardless of the nature of the challenges.

We still believe (and I don't think it's naïve at all) that our marriage is and will be what we make it. Our marriage has improved and strengthened consistently over the years despite our growing understanding of the sexual challenges. It's not an overstatement to say that our family is thriving. Although my initial admission to my wife was something short of full disclosure, it represented an honest effort to communicate what I knew and understood at the time, and so the real measure of the success of our communication is not in whether I told, but in whether I continue to tell.

Stereotypes: true or false

Last week a maintenance guy banged on our door to warn us that "a couple black teenagers were just hanging around your truck and then I saw them put something shiny under their shirt and take off." While I appreciated the warning of suspicious activity, my first reaction was not to thank him but to ask "why does it matter that they were black?" But, I'm not the confrontational type typically (in person, anyway:-)), so I bit my lip.

It got me thinking though. I imagine that detail was relevant because of his experience. He does live in a neighborhood where a lot of crimes are committed by black teenagers. And the general stereotype presented in media is that teenage hoodlums, gang members, and thugs, are typically black. But, I have many close friends who are black who are wonderfully gifted, honest people who suffer from such stereotypes.

I see a lot of black people in our Emergency Department. I wish I could report that there was absolutely no difference between blacks and other races as they present in the ED, but there are. There have been some belligerent and unreasonable patients with a particular issue that have all been black. All. Without exception. Instead of accepting that association as a fact generalizable to all blacks, I consciously remind myself that it is NOT generalizable.

So how do I use such information? Very carefully, if I'm at my best. If I or my family have been burned for trusting in a particular set of circumstances, it would be foolish not for me to take caution when met with those circumstances in the future. And given how limited my own experience is, it's prudent to learn from the experiences of others. And that leads to judging individuals based on the most prevalent actions of a particular demographic. Racial profiling. Discrimination.

Although the popular notion these days is to be completely tolerant and non-discriminating on the basis of race, sexual orientation, etc., I think that's way oversimplified. Sorry to say it, and I recognize the unpopular and vulnerable position such a thought places me in, but I'm learning and willing to take the hits if it teaches me something valuable. A more nuanced position is to minimize the harm. Sometimes minimizing harm will involve erring on the side of caution--being more careful in certain circumstances because of who someone is based on my experience, all the while recognizing that I could be completely safe and the person may be offended because of my caution. Other times I will have to play that against the harm experienced by a person who is not typical, who does not fit the data, who bucks the trends. Such people can be truly harmed by being treated differently for someone else's crimes.

Someone like me could be harmed.

So, yeah, I can see how a parent wouldn't want his daughter to marry someone like me based on the data. Based on conventional wisdom, he'd want his loved one to be safe from the nearly universal failure reported for mixed orientation marriages. But after getting to know me... after learning about my values and my integrity, I think I could demonstrate that I'm an exception.

Specifically, racism is a metaphor for generalizations about gays being promiscuous and mixed orientation marriages failing: two topics more close to home. I have a personal belief that the data presented on both of those topics is rapidly becoming outdated as society changes. It would be a terrible mistake to pronounce final judgement on individuals based on such stereotypes. Caution and respect are both necessary for understanding and acting on the data--the common, the uncommon, and the ideal.

Trembling before G-d

Just watched the movie Trembling Before G-d. Chris had posted on it before, and it's been on my list for a while because of its relevance to my personal situation. It's a movie about orthodox and Hasidic Jews who are homosexual.

It was... nice. I guess. I think I've maxed out on the whole religion vs. sexual orientation debate as an interesting novelty to explore, and that's what the movie seemed to depend on. As I watched I kept thinking, I've thought about that... yup, that's true... well, that's not how I think of it... that guy is smart... that guy is annoying... etc. The point is, I've already got opinions on pretty much all of it. There wasn't much new to chew on.

Having said that, I think the movie would be very new and shed lots of light on the issue for 99.9% of the population. Unfortunately, I think it's one of those biased presentations that ignores the minority of folks who are actually able to deal with the friction between their faith and their sexuality and don't have regrets about it. There were several married folks in the film who were living the orthodox life, but they seemed to hate it. And everyone seemed to feel like somehow they were being cheated. I don't feel that way, as anyone who reads here much would know. I now have a gay but faithful Muslim acquaintance (read: abstinent from gay sex) who feels the same way. Surely there are Jewish folks too?

I wonder if it's just easier to maximize the issue by milking the false dilemma. "I tried to change for years, my religious leaders told me how to do it, and it didn't work. What can I do now? Am I to live my life without a loving companion? Does God expect that of me? He can't! Not the loving God I believe in!" This reasoning is a lot more dramatic and heart pangy than saying, well, actually some people figure stuff out and although there's no magic recipe to make it work, it's not the hopeless futility it seems. And yes, God still loves you even when some of the realities of life seem harsh and unfair. But his love doesn't magically make those realities go away. There were subtle denials of any such possibility of middle ground in the movie. Various people would assert things like "celibacy is impossible" and spout anti-ex-gay sentiment without explanation. Labels like "marriage of convenience" are more amenable to the false dilemma than obnoxious notions like celibacy, happy mixed orientation marriages, or ex-gay.

One problem is most people can't deny the false dilemma without appearing homophobic. The shrieking starts, "How can you be so insensitive? How would you like it if... [insert heterosexual analogy of sexual denial here]? You have no idea what it's like."

Folks, I know what it's like, and I, for one, am irritated that people can't be allowed to form opinions on the issue that involve taking a tough position without being made out to be a homophobic ignoramus. It's the last resort trump card: "You're not gay, so you can't know what it's like."

I am gay. Your powers of trumpiness are thwarted! [Queue evil laughter.]

Alone

When I learned how many of the men I had been friends with in college were gay, I was astonished. I discovered that two women acquaintances were homosexual and eight long-standing male friends were also gay. Eventually I spoke to all these men. Two had married, had children, and divorced. One had been married briefly and then had the marriage annulled. One was in a committed gay relationship that had lasted fifteen years. Two had had various gay relationships and were still hoping for true love. One had been deeply involved in the gay lifestyle, found it was taking him nowhere, had made the decision to be celibate and said that he was very happy. Another had spent years pursuing a gay life and then surprised everyone by marrying and having children; he had counted the cost and decided that more than anything even if it was not always comfortable, he wanted a family. My life would be less without these good friends, and I shake my head with the irony of it all: I had thought that Gerald was the only homosexual man I had ever known. As the wife of a homosexual man, I had felt so alone. And so, I suppose, had the three wives of my friends—the women who had been left in the wreckage by men who only wanted to do the right thing. Why had we all been so alone?

Carol Lynn Pearson,
in Good-bye, I Love You

The first part I quoted yesterday of The Buried Life speaks of "lovers powerless to reveal to one another what indeed they feel." There is a sense in which this is necessarily true. Some feelings are impossible to fully verbalize. But in another sense, we only perceive that other feelings are too incriminating to be honest about. Happily, every time I've tried to be less alone by sharing my burdens with my wife, good has come of it. It's not always immediate. It's occasionally an emotional and messy disaster at first... but then there's the truth out in the open, manageable as only the truth can be.

Was it a good thing that I didn't hang out with gay friends in college? Was it a good thing that I didn't have a support group who may or may not have encouraged me to be true to my values? I don't know. Luckily, there are many supports available to gays these days along the entire spectrum of thought. One should be able find a group consistent with their own values without too much trouble, for what groups are worth (see my sidebar, for example).

There are books, movies, and news clips being produced with increasing frequency that shed light on gay Mormon issues, and I can only hope they reach some of the closeted folks who are trying to figure out how to deal. As for me, I do wish some of my gay bloggin' buddies were around every once in a while to sit down and share a cheese fry. But, luckily, sitting here by myself I don't feel lonely at all.

Buried Life

"No one’s spirit is gay or straight, but right now, in this life, as Gerald Pearson, I am a homosexual. I have got to follow that. You’re right. I could be celibate. If I didn’t >need to know and feel and experience, if I were content to just live on the surface of things, I could give it all up. I could squash myself down and bind myself up and tell life to go around and not through me. But, Blossom, I’m a person who needs to live! I am not an empty person. I’ve got to plunge into a life and find out what’s there for me! If I don’t, I’ll gradually die, piece by piece by piece. And I’ll be of no value to anybody, not you or the children or myself!"

Carol Lynn Pearson,
in Good-bye, I Love You

I found this highly offensive. I tried not to. But, Gerald, am I then an "empty person"? Is life merely going around and not through me? Am I not truly living? [Makes obscene gesture at Gerald.]

Gerald isn't the first I've heard make this charge, and he's no doubt not the last. I can imagine if I were him I would quickly add that what I say applies to nobody but myself... that I mean only that I could not live such a life, but that others might (although secretly to myself I would doubt it).

Actually, I have said something very much like that. When people ask me if I think every gay Mormon man should get married I say that my path is only for me. And it's a constant theme in the gay Mormon blogs that each one must reach down deep inside one's self and decide how to deal with this difficult situation.

But then there's that nagging absolutist deep down inside of me trying to claw out. Trying to say, "No, the answer for EVERYBODY is to trust that God knows more about our happiness than we do ourselves. What we can feel is so limited. We're like young children screaming to get away from the needle coming at us, the needle that will save our life."

And then the pragmatic L steps in and sasses back, "People know what makes them happy. They know it more than they know that something unseen and unsure can improve on the here and now." And then the absolutist L violently assaults the pragmatic L with an anvil and the spectator L grabs the popcorn.

The two L's invariably come to a compromise. The absolutist L, being much older and stronger, lays down the law that I internally acknowledge that everyone will be better off following God, but the spry and resilient pragmatic L won't back down until the concession is made that everyone should be allowed to figure that out for themselves, even if it's a tragedy. Gerald, for example, got a lot less life than he expected. And that's not just because he died of AIDS. He was unhappy as a gay man (although I'll save the quote on that for a later post).

But, pragmatic L insists, plenty of gay guys are plenty happy. It's not all tragedies. Absolutist L mutters under his breath, "Yeah, in this life." And spectator L throws his popcorn at the two and says, "Shut up, the poem is coming up."

...Alas! is even love too weak
To unlock the heart, and let it speak?
Are even lovers powerless to reveal
To one another what indeed they feel?
I knew the mass of men conceal'd
Their thoughts, for fear that if reveal'd
They would by other men be met
With blank indifference, or with blame reproved;
I knew they lived and moved
Trick'd in disguises, alien to the rest
Of men, and alien to themselves--and yet
The same heart beats in every human breast!
...
There rises an unspeakable desire
After the knowledge of our buried life;
A thirst to spend our fire and restless force
In tracking out our true, original course;
A longing to inquire
Into the mystery of this heart which beats
So wild, so deep in us--to know
Whence our lives come and where they go.
...

-Matthew Arnold

When Gerald heard this poem on Music and the Spoken Word, it was the first moment he knew absolutely that he was gay. Spectator L munches on a handful of junior mints and chuckles at the irony of why the poem was probably included in that religious program vs. how Gerald interpreted it.

Marriage advice

Our marriage started normally enough. High-stress wedding planning with a variety of mishaps and offended relatives was followed by a wedding we had hoped would take place during a cool sunny time surrounded by content smiling relatives. What we got was packs of sticky crabby children running around uncontrollably in a blistering humid swelter, and a set of adults who look in our photos as if they would rather be at the dentist.

That night I lost my virginity in an experience that could be described variously as wonderful and traumatic. We settled in finding out what each other was really like, and realizing that marriage involves seeing disgusting personal aspects you would otherwise never have to tolerate. We learned over the course of months how to make sex work, and with what I assume is a typical number of spats and apologies we now find ourselves comfortably acclimated to married life.

But there's more to the story than that. Much more.

We went to a marriage counselor before we were even married. I see this as a key decision. We talked through my homosexuality and my wife's willingness to accommodate me. We talked about what was possible, what was fair, what we feared and what we hoped. Our counselor knew very little if anything about our religious values, but he did a commendable job of working through the issues with us realistically.

I've been in personal counseling off and on since before we were married. I don't remember if there was anything in particular that precipitated my first visit. The first time was very difficult. I distinctly remember sitting in the waiting room before my appointment. I felt so self-conscious. I thought everyone must be looking at me wondering what I was doing in the office. Is he a wife-beater? A psycho? Suicidal? I hadn't started medical school yet, so I hadn't enjoyed formal training on mental health and the terrible problems with stigma and misunderstanding that go with counseling, but I consciously recognized in my mind that there was nothing wrong with my getting some professional help despite the strange feeling I was having. It felt like I was weak, but I recognized the self-awareness was actually more indicative of strength. I think it always is.

Over the years I've had a variety of counseling experiences. I've had an LDS therapist in a secular practice, a church employed counselor, phone counseling, student counseling, and couples counseling. Once I filled out all the paperwork in a counselors office and then had an uneasiness that I interpreted to mean I should look elsewhere. So I did. I just told them I changed my mind and walked out.

My wife has also enjoyed seeing a counselor. I don't know what exactly she works through during her sessions, but I know she's happier when she's had the chance to talk through things with a professional. I can think of at least one issue that she probably discusses with some regularity. [ha ha]

I've heard enough counseling horror stories to know that it is not a panacea. You have to be somewhat discriminating in finding a therapist. You have to do a lot of work on your own. And it can be expensive.

But my advice to anyone who is gay (and probably everyone else too) is to get comfortable with the idea of counseling. Get comfortable with the idea that living in this society with that particular issue is difficult no matter how you slice it. Get comfortable with the idea that it is not a sign of weakness but of strength to accept help. This advice is doubly emphatic if you are gay and in a straight marriage. And it's emphatic to the nth degree if you have found yourself happily married for years, but have never been fully honest about your sexuality with your spouse.

To every married person who reads this, I recommend you speak with your spouse to institute the following rule: either partner can request that either partner or both see a therapist and the other will agree without feeling defensive. That's what we've done, and I think we're a pretty damn good example.

Individual paths

I try to keep my posts on the short side. I think it's because I anticipate that everyone has an attention span about the same length as mine. But it's impossible to really put all the background information necessary into some of the discussions I want to have. Short of teaching the entire missionary discussions on my blog, I don't see how to change that.

But, I want people to understand something about my confidence in God and the Mormon church. I mean no disrespect to others when I say I believe that God speaks through individuals He has chosen, and that anyone else who tries to figure out what God is thinking by some other method is at a serious disadvantage. I end up following the church and the men who lead it because through various means I've come to understand the truth of what they say bit by bit. I'm not constrained to believe, I'm not forced to follow, and I'm not uncritical as I know I have yet to learn many things. Experience and an indescribable intuition sometimes called the still small voice lead me to become more and more certain that these guys (leaders of the LDS church) know what they're talking about.

That's not to say they know everything, or that they can't be wrong, or that they don't make mistakes. But it is to say they're the ones I need to be paying attention to for the, umm, "straight dope".

There are those who believe not only that the prophets and apostles are not, in fact, prophets and apostles, but that they know they aren't, and that their whole lives are an exercise in deception and fraud. These men spend every ounce of energy testifying of Jesus and the truths He taught. They plead for people to be more honest, for people to love one another. They waste and wear out their lives in service to follow the example of their ostensible leader the Savior... and this is all a crafty cover up of their secretly venomous and dishonest natures and for their diabolical scheme to... what, exactly?

You may have noticed in my sarcasm that I have a pretty firm opinion of those who maintain this line of thinking. They are stupid.

A more compelling argument is that these men honestly believe they are following God and receiving His revelation, but that they are in fact working from their own prejudices combined with various indistinct warm fuzzies. The people who believe this are smarter (and kinder) but I think they are still wrong.

Perhaps the most perplexing group are those that believe they are indeed prophets (or that the church is true) but that they're wrong not only on little things where one could imagine God left it to their own judgment, but on things big enough to warrant statements from the First Presidency, proclamations, and explicit positions on civic matters. I've had my difficulties reconciling my views on some of the issues, but one that seems particularly unequivocal is that gay sex is wrong. I can acutely appreciate misgivings about the best form of governance on this matter, but I can't see how the morality of gay sex is up in the air for anyone who has any confidence in the church whatsoever. And since romantic affection with the same gender leads to gay sex, it is also not such a good thing (as opposed to affirming platonic friendships). As I've said before, it's not that they're bad, it's that they're not good enough for the ultimate end God wants for us.

And that leaves someone like me in an unpleasant and lonely predicament. One that I've, after many years, miraculously been relieved of. But my solution (marriage) is not the same miracle God has for everyone similarly situated. In fact, I firmly agree with church leaders that marriage should never be a form of therapy to try to change a guy straight, and I attribute the high divorce rate of mixed orientation marriages to wedding out of desperation rather than full love and carefully measured honest heart and soul searching. The absence of easy answers leaves a lot of people in an uncomfortable limbo. I was there for a long time, and I realize the waiting is the hardest part. But waiting, changing, and searching can be worth it.

Over-indulgence

It’s kind of surreal to read about yourself in the news. The comment banter weighing out your worth and wisdom is another experience altogether. I mistakenly thought that I would get lots more comments on my own blog after the Tribune article was published, but I’ve found most people come quietly to read and then go somewhere else to whisper their incredulous disbelief at the spectacle that is me.

But, folks, this is the good ol’ WorldWideWeb. I can hear you. I will now indulge in sarcastically responding to your stupidity.

Children

The unforgiveable part is the fact that they are *breeding*... I feel very, very sorry for their children.
-ortizzle

Excuse me, I was out for a moment beating my son. You were saying? Oh yes, discussing my breeding habits… like I’m a dog. Well, you’ll be happy to know that I’ve successfully avoided DHS for 2 years now. I’ll pass along your condolences to my brilliant and well-adjusted toddler.

If you are gay and must get married--have a vasectomy. Children should not be made to pay for the ups and downs of your personal fullfillment odyssey.
-lovestone

I certainly hope you will do the same. Children should not be raised by ignorant bigots with Hitler-like agendas.

It is something else entirely to gamble with the emotional well-being of the children who are brought into the situation.
-Diogenes

And yet I’ve seen in all the comments thus far not one shred of actual evidence that what we’re doing is bad for the kids. Even if the numbers were out there, it wouldn’t be a “gamble”. Where you fall in the distribution of a bell curve is not necessarily random.

The poor wife

This is a marriage that we know (and the partners know) is almost certain to fail.
-Diogenes

No, we’re quite confident that we won’t fail, actually.

And I thought the women who married death row prisoners were nuts. I can't imagine marrying a guy who is openly gay. I just can't.
-Jennifer in Ohio

Well, if being nuts is a requirement, you’re well on your way.

Essentially, these are marriages of social convenience….
Would you want your daughter to enter such a marriage?
-MikeInWeHo

No, Mike, I can only hope she’ll be lucky enough to find a death row prisoner instead.

Motivations

Ben in the article said he chose his heart over his libido. Sounds noble, sure, but it’s wishful thinking.
-slm

Following your heart… dreaming the impossible dream… such stupid concepts. Don Quixote is such an ass. I hope the windmill chops him in half. We realists know there are no happy endings ever.

I think that the folks who enter into these marriages are probably somewhat naive about what they’re dealing with.
-pjj

What the hell? I just married a straight woman? What was I thinking? Why didn’t I actually give this some thought and research a little bit first? Why didn’t I ask the advice of every cynic on the web first? Why, why, why???

There is conservative critique, and then there is moving into outright self-hatred manifesting as political expression.
-Jason Pitzl-Waters

Okay, this wasn’t about me, but it does show the profoundly stupid notion that anyone who feels anything less than disdain for ex-gay therapy is filled with self-hate. Please.

Church

Seriously, he's gay - great! He should live his life that way and not spend a life-time feeling guilty and trying to make it match what a man-made religion thinks he should be doing with his life. HIS life. Not theirs, as much as they make think so.
-Bea

Can you please highlight the part of the article that says that our church dictated anything, anything at all about our decision, and send it over?

Wow. Repression-o-rama. I can't imagine how hard it would be to be told that your natural, normal attractions are wrong, and immoral and you must (should?) marry someone contrary to that attraction. Sad for all involved.
-Heather

Again, highlighter? Must/should where? Just because we did something you don’t understand doesn’t mean we were coerced.

So I can understand why the two of them would want to try a mixed-marriage like this, but it was done "right" by the church for all the Wrong reasons.
-Eli

The wrong reasons being love and commitment? Cuz that’s where we started from.

The confused gay

Has it never occurred to you that God created you homosexual for a reason, perhaps to help others of His creation become more honest, more compassionate, and more loving? And that, by living your life either in control of your "same-sex attraction" and closeted, or "openly gay" yet married to someone of the opposite sex for the sake of procreation was actually living a life contrary to God's plan for you?
-Anon1

I sincerely hope that the road ahead for you is far less painful than the obvious mine field I see you've laid out for yourself. Remember, it's never too late to be true to your authentic self. And by doing so, only then will you be true to God's plan for you.
-Anon2

I'm always amazed at the silly argument that God created us this way for a reason. Did he create someone with six fingers that way for a reason? (They're in big trouble for lopping of the spare, first chance they get!) What about someone stupid, should they feel satisfaction at maintaining allegiance to their true ignorant self by trying not to open their mind to new points of view? Are they more "authentic" as a dumbass? Maybe what God wants us to learn from being gay is humility, not complacency and self-justification.

Eventually, these gay people who are married to straights will either decide to accept they are gay and leave their current relationships or be very miserable up to and including suicide.
-golexx

Says the Oracle of Delphi. I've seen examples of great mixed-orientation marriages, and I've seen the bad ones. But they're not me, and so really I have to go by the specifics of our situation, something you know nothing about. I have a healthy attitude toward counseling and professional assistance, as does my wife. Our marriage by every measure imaginable is more harmonious and nurturing than 99% of my coworkers and friends as near as I can tell. We’re both happy. We both laugh like hell. And I think we’ll be fine.

I acknowledge a lot of this is out of context, but it gives you a feel for the discussion. And it's been cathartic for me to indulge in a little sassiness directed at what I see occasionally as rancorous ignorance.

Aftermath

There have been occasional comments underlining skepticism among by bloggin' buddies about how great my marriage is (or how selective I am in describing it!). The dogma is that gay/straight mixed marriages won't last, but I keep touting how great it is and how happy we are. And I stand by that. Marriage for a gay Mormon is no panacea, but it can work. Work, being the operative word there--it takes lots of work.

The issue of the week for us has been porn, but it could easily have been something else. Issues will come up with some regularity between couples, and dealing with them appropriately is the key to success and happiness. Last night things went south and we had a fight.

My wife and I have discussed pornography before on many occasions. I have always tried to be honest with her no matter how much it hurts. I have, once or twice, misrepresented things only to be prompted to come clean a short time later. But when we get into the issue it usually gets really sticky. My wife feels betrayed, rightly so, and becomes quite emotional. I feel misunderstood, and become defensive. Soon, we are acting not as if we are on the same side but as if we are bitter vultures gathering ammo for divorce court.

Invariably one of us will extend a reconciliatory olive branch in the form of validating the other person's feelings and listening without interrupting (despite the impulse to defend or correct every other sentence!). The other will answer in kind. We will slowly return to the point where we want to understand, work through, get back to being on the same team.

And that's pretty much what happened last night. I had been acting cagey while chatting with a gay Mormon friend, and she suspected that something was up. In reality, the reason I didn't want her to see the conversation was completely unrelated to porn, but that was irrelevant. We've long had the understanding that she can read my e-mails, my blog, or my chats any time she wants. She doesn't, as a rule, because she respects my privacy. But when I do something that seems odd, she is allowed to look, and look she did. What she found was my description of caving to the temptation to look at porn recently--an account of the incident that precipitated my last post. And then she read the post. And she felt betrayed because I had shared it with the blog but not with her. She felt shut out--as if I had been keeping secrets from her.

Ultimately, we sorted things out in conversations last night and through the day today. Her view is that I need to be willing to share with her--allow her to know what is going on. She worries that pornography can destroy our family, and that fear is certainly not without cause or precedent. My view is that I am willing to share, in fact, I long to share this burden. However, past experience has shown me that things become so dramatic afterward that it isn't particularly helpful to me. I feel judged rather than supported. I would rather share where the reaction is more calm concern.

So, the point is this: My marriage rocks. My marriage has bumps, just like anyone else's. Communication is a good thing and things may get immediately worse but will almost certainly then get better. Being one with another person is tricky to do, but completely worth it.