Thinking of Jesus

"There are several lessons I've gleaned from my experience coming out of the darkness of a sin that so thoroughly dominates the lives of the people it ensnares: (1) This is a major problem that is unbelievably difficult to overcome.... (2) The most important source of support and strength in the repentance process is the Savior....(3) Intense, daily scripture study, regular temple worship, and serious, contemplative participation in the ordinance of the sacrament are all indispensable parts of a true repentance process. This, I assume, is because all of these activities serve to deepen and strengthen one's relationship with the Savior, one's understanding of His atoning sacrifice, and one's faith in His healing power" (letter dated Oct. 24, 2005).

"I knew it would be difficult," he wrote, "but I didn't realize what I would have to go through." His letter describes the emptiness and loneliness and the incredible pain he experienced from deep within his soul as he sought to return. He prayed mightily for forgiveness, sometimes for hours at a time. He was sustained by reading the scriptures, by the companionship of a loving bishop, and by priesthood blessings. But what finally made the difference was the help of the Savior. He explained:

"It [was] only through Him and His Atonement.... I now feel an overwhelming gratitude. My pains have been almost more than I could bear at times, and yet they were so small compared to what He suffered. Where there once was darkness in my life, there is now love and gratitude."

He continues: "Some profess that change is possible and therapy is the only answer. They are very learned on the subject and have so much to offer those who struggle . . . , but I worry that they forget to involve Heavenly Father in the process. If change is to happen, it will happen according to the will of God. I also worry that many people focus on the causes of [same-gender attraction].... There is no need to determine why I have [this challenge]. I don't know if I was born with it, or if environmental factors contributed to it. The fact of the matter is that I have this struggle in my life and what I do with it from this point forward is what matters" (letter dated Mar. 25, 2006).

-As quoted by Dallin H. Oaks

The first quote is from a man who was struggling with pornography. The second is from a gay man who had been excommunicated and was returning to the church. Involving Heavenly Father and Jesus in dealing with all the struggles in my life should be obvious, but sometimes I have a hard time remembering to do it.

The sacrament, I suppose, would be the appropriate time to think about this. Jesus knows what I face and how I feel more than anyone in the world. He's better able to comfort me and give me help than anywhere else I might turn. Seems like a benefit I'd want to take advantage of.

If anyone needs me in the next little while, you'll find me over here thinking of Jesus.

Turkish delight

She knew, though Edmund did not, that this was enchanted Turkish Delight and that anyone who tasted it would want more and more of it, and would even, if they were allowed, go on eating it till they killed themselves...

C.S.Lewis in The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe

I've been thinking about visceral desires. They make perfect sense a lot of the time, but then you have desires gone awry, like pica where a pregnant woman has an irrational desire to eat dirt. I'm not kidding. Dirt in this case may even be good for her since the desire is based on a mineral deficiency. More likely though, the dirt is just going to get stuck in her teeth.

Near as I can tell, the process by which your body associates a certain behavior or food with meeting a particular need is an imperfect one. Pickles and ice cream good for babies? How does that work? It actually does sometimes. Of course, sometimes it doesn't.

When a properly diagnosed vitamin deficiency is treated appropriately, the cravings are then irrelevant--it doesn't matter whether the desired object is weird or not in terms of health, the needs are being met. But there's still that craving. And that's kind of where I see my current status with another flavor of Turkish Delight. My reproductive needs have been met despite a misdirected craving that seems never to relent. Porn, then, seems to stop the craving itself for a while, but then I want more and more of it. And that Turkish Delight is threatening to kill me. Too bad I agreed to have some from the White Witch in the first place.

I'll have to keep trying to remember how Edmund's problem was solved.

In embryo

For the most part, my various blogs have replaced my journal. I blog what I'm feeling and thinking and experiencing instead of typing it in my private record. However, it's a different dynamic. Today as I was chatting with a friend I remembered some experiences from a few years back and that motivated me to read a few journal entries. The things I wrote were so surprising through the refraction correction of hindsight! There were several things I thought about posting, but this one from five years ago is the one that, surprisingly, seemed the weightiest.

Today I’m more interested in who I am and where I am in my life. In my anatomy class I’ve been surprised to see men and women in the most vulnerable and exposed position possible—inside out... Each one of us presents on a day to day basis as an attractive, thinking, feeling individual. And yet each of us is, on a more fundamental basis, a very intricate and astounding combination of organs, genetic information, and just plain guts. Guts that change from day to day, as a matter of fact. I’m quite literally not the man I was just a few years ago. So the continuity I suppose is in the spiritual factor. In some inexplicable way a person’s spirit infuses the body with ... individuality and higher feelings.

... In embryology we speak of organs that are in the embryo but are then obliterated during later growth. I’ve seen parts of myself—parts that some have told me will never leave me—that I would like to be obliterated. I like to think that some have been and that it has made me closer to being like God. Others are to follow.

I don't care much if I sound like a broken record. I like to reinforce myself to myself once in a while, and I really feel powerfully certain that there are parts of ourselves that we need not mourn losing. Without such metamorphosis, life would not be possible. And without such a metamorphosis, becoming more like God is entirely impossible. Hence the concept of being born again, or letting God change us. I hope I can be changed in a manner that will remove my prejudice against change.

Depth of Conversion

"Conversion" has nice rhetorical relevance to this blog, given the name. It's about change. And while changing sexual orientation has been on my mind quite a bit of late, the evidence is pretty weighted against that. Conversion to greater satisfaction with hetero sex may be more likely. Hell, that's already happened, come to think of it. But I'm not ruling out the possibility of full flung conversion--there's anecdotal evidence it is possible however improbable.

But the conversion I'm pondering tonight is conversion to the gospel. Testimony is having a knowledge of the truth, conversion is putting it into practice. I once asked my seminary teacher, "Why wouldn't someone who knows something put it into practice? Why would they just act differently?" He pointed out that that's the whole point of life. We must learn to act on things we know... and part of that is avoiding doing what we know is wrong. And as we do that, I guess, we get converted.

"Depth" of conversion is another matter. I remember when I was a kid, my Mom was a doomsday 2nd coming buff. She loved to talk about it, and most of the time scared the crap out of me. But one of the interesting things we talked about was how many in the church would fall away before the 2nd coming. I thought this was ridiculous. I mean, if it's actually part of the prophecy that part of the people would fall away, then why wouldn't people guard against it? Why wouldn't they figure out a way to side-step the risks? Why wouldn't they actually see it happening, realize that it was exactly what was predicted, and then pull their butts back to being faithful? What sort of depth of conversion is necessary to survive?

I have no answers even now. As I see friends and relatives leave the church, I'm struck with amazement as I watch the inexplicable fulfillment of those childhood lessons. People seem to leave for a wide variety of reasons, but (as predicted) most of them can be traced back to pride and sin of various kinds. I realize this indictment of mine can be offensive to those choosing to leave the church, but it still seems to fit well as a rule. And I'm amazed.

So, how does one like me get the "depth" of conversion necessary to make it through? How can I be one of those virgins with the spare oil? I appeal to your collective wisdom.