Ding Dong The Dipshit’s Dead– Scaly Scalia Has Left The Building.

I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute, where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic) how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom to vote; where no church or church school is granted any public funds or political preference; and where no man is denied public office merely because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or the people who might elect him. - JFK

Yeah, it’s bad form to piss on somebody’s grave after their demise. Some people claim that this guy had a ‘fine legal mind’. He was a fucking homophobe and Young Earth Creationist – two qualities that shouldn’t be allowed near ANY political office.

Understand this: I could give a fuck what someone believes. You want to live a life of delusion? Who am I to tell you not to? I can’t tell you what to think say or do – and that works both ways, even if you think you have to force your shit down my throat because you believe some Iron Age campfire stories told by lost shepherds in the desert are real. It gets you through the night? Fine.

Despite the fact that I despise Catholicism, I rather liked JFK (as per the quote above). Because he got it. Regardless of his ideology, he understood this.

Scalia didn’t get a lot of things – it’s not the religious conviction that bugs me the most, it’s the intellectual lobotomy that occurs. The special pleading. All the facile and specious ‘arguments’. And of course, the false moral superiority exhibited by these clowns.

Whenever I have voiced this particular opinion, I always get some fucknut claiming that I only want to elect people who agree with me. Actually, it grates on my nerves it does – what a stupid accusation it is.

If your faith is going to come first, then you can’t be trusted to make an objective opinion on decisions that affect millions of lives. Same thing in medicine: if your ‘faith’ or ‘conscience’ forbids you to administer effective care, you’re forcing your beliefs on others. THAT is the ethical dilemma, not how you feel about it, but it how it impacts others. Some poor woman being denied contraceptives because she’s had a dozen children already and everyone in the family is broke and starving – fuck your god’s will. Free will? Whadda laugh. Can’t use birth control because somehow your absentee deity might object? Gay people can’t get married? Fuck these people. This isn’t YOUR country, it’s OUR country, learn to share and leave people alone, or get the fuck out and found a theocracy somewhere else.

And I don’t care if Carson IS a neuroscientist, I don’t care if everyone is applauding Scalia’s so-called ‘brilliance’ – denying evolution is just denying reality. It consists of denying not oodles, not a hillock, but entire MOUNTAINS of forensic evidence. It’s the pathetic equivalent of clamping hands to ears and shouting “NO! I WON’T LISTEN!” Only the feeble-minded see this sort of stubbornness as a virtue, rather than the willful ignorance it truly is.

As ugly as this sounds, I’m glad this assclown passed. We can only hope someone who is more progressive and objective will replace the stupid anachronisms that Scalia and his cronies perpetuate and propound.

Till the next post then.

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You Can't Marry A Snapping Turtle!

Time for one of my favorite all-time masters of rant - Lewis Black. From his Red White and Screwed HBO special. I have made an effort to transcribe the routine under the fold, in case some of you are still on the antiquated dial-up.

Enjoy.

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Now, there is a difference between the Old Testament and the New Testament, and that difference is, the New Testament god is really kind of a great guy. He is, especially when you compare him, to the Old Testament god, who is a prick. I don't know what happened to god, over time, if he matured, or went to an anger management class. Or maybe just the birth of his son calmed him down. But before he had the kid, holy fuck, he was outta control! All you gotta do is read the Old Testament, it's really unbelievable. Look at Abraham, the first man to have faith in one god, and what does god do? "Hey, Abraham! Come here! Come here! Bring your kid! Let's barbecue him, hahaha!" Moses spends his life with them, crosses the desert with them, devotes 40 years to his people, to get them outta Egypt across the desert to the Promised Land, and god goes, "Hey, Mo! You're not getting in! Kiss my ass, hahaha!" There's a guy you wanna work for. And then, oh ho, and then there's the book of Job. For those of you who are depressed, take a read of that sometime. Because I don't care how bad your day is, you don't even stack up. Job, was the most upright man with the most faith of any man on the planet EVER! And what did god do? He sat on his head, and said "I'm going to take a shit-shit-shit! Open your mouth, here comes some more shit!" The reason the Old Testament god, is a prick, is because the Old Testament is designed, as a book, to get the Jews to straighten up and fuckin' fly right. Because they were outta control. They were ten hairs away from being baboons. And that's the point, when I do that in the South, you can hear the veritable fucking pin drop. Figure it out, okay? You watch Jerry Springer. That's what we're like NOW, imagine what they were like THEN. They needed rules, they needed to know that marriage needs to take place between a man and a woman. Because they were wandering into camp with camels, going "I'm in LOVE!" "I don't care WHAT you are, you can't marry a snapping turtle, asshole!" But it's not good enough for our president, that it's written in the bible. He felt it was just imperative that he put it in the constitution. And so did many states. Because apparently, we heterosexuals have reached a point we're so fucked up, that we better write it down, in case we forget, who we're supposed to marry. It's unbelievable! It's in the book already! What, do you need to print it, are you crazy?!? It's...huh...huh..(shakes his head) . But in the midst of all our problems, that was the most important thing. We have no energy policy, you know? None whatsoever. We still don't have a good one, it's ridiculous. And if you ask, we're not going to have solar energy in my lifetime, you know? A few people have it, but it's something we should all have, it's ridiculous. I'll take no flying cars, but solar energy? And if you ask your congressman why, he'll say, "'Cause it's hard. It's really, really hard. Makes me wanna go poopy." You wanna know why we don't have solar energy? Because the sun goes away each day, and it doesn't tell us where it's going. I can guarantee you this, we could have it if we wanted to, we can have anything we want.

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RED, WHITE AND SCREWED – DEFINITELY A MUST-SEE

I personally think that Lewis Black beats out Larry the Cable Guy (who, according to 60 Minutes, is the King of Comedy) by a country mile (I do find the Cable Guy funny, but for side-splitting laughter and exhausted smile muscles, my money’s on Black).

In his ‘Red, White and Screwed’ HBO special, he does a few great rants, one of which was on my favorite topic, evolution.

I’ve transcribed it here, for the benefit of any readers who are still using a dial-up connection.

“I should’ve known earlier, about President Bush, but I gave him some rope. A lotta rope, & then he hung all of us with it. I should have known, when I heard him say ‘When it comes to evolution, the jury’s still out.’
What jury, where? The Scopes trial is over. I never thought, during the course of my life, that a president who didn’t believe in evolution would be elected, or at least in the ball park, thought, ummmmm, MAYBE IT’S GOT SOME MERIT. But NO! He believes the earth was created, in seven days. Hoo! Takes my breath away.
And why does he believe that? Because he read it in the Old Testament, which is the book, of my people. The Jewish people. And that book…wasn’t good enough…for you Christians. Was it? No, we’ve got a BETTER book, with ANOTHER character, you’re gonna LOVE HIM! And you called your book NEW, and said OUR book was OLD!
And yet, every Sunday, I turn on the television set. And there’s a priest, or a pastor, reading from mah book. And interpreting it. And, their interpretations, I have to tell you, are usually wrong. It’s not their fault, because it’s not their book.
You never see a rabbi on TV interpreting the New Testament, dooo yew?
If you want, to truly understand, the Old Testament, if there is something you don’t quite get, there are Jooos who walk among yew. And THEY, I promise you this, will take time out their VERY jewy, JEWY day, and interpret for you anything you have trouble understanding, and we will do that, of course, if the price is right.
Was…the earth created in seven days? No. For those of you who believe it was, for you Christians, let me tell you, then you do not understand the Jewish people. We Jews understand that it did not take place in seven days, and that’s because we know what we’re good at, and what we’re really good at, is bullshit.
This is a wonderful story, that was told to the people in the desert, in order to distract them from the fact that they did not have air conditioning.
I would LOVE to have the FAITH, to believe that it took place in seven days, but I have thoughts. And that can really fuck up the faith thing. Just ask any catholic priest. And then, there are fossils. Whenever anyone tries to tell me, that they believe it took place in seven days, I reach for a fossil, and go, ‘Fossil’. And if they keep talking, I throw it just over their head.
There are people, who believe, that dinosaurs and men, lived together. That they roamed the earth at the same time. There are museums that children go to, in which they build dioramas, to show them this. And what this is, purely and simply, is a clinical, psychotic reaction. They are crazy. They are stone, cold, fuck, nuts. I can’t be kind about this. Because these people are watching the Flintstones as if it were a documentary.
The first time, uh, that I ever talked about this was in Georgia. That’s, that’s what we call a comic faux pas. Gentleman came up to me, wanted to talk about it, umm, it was at this point in time that I realized that this is where we have our problem. This is a big problem in this country. He had his set of beliefs, and I had mine. It makes it tough, because evolution is a major thread in the larger tapestry that I like to call (yells) REALITY!!!
He said, “Louis, fossils are the handiwork of the devil.” (Looks at camera cross-eyed)
I had to remind myself to breathe. I’d been tasered by the concept of the DEVIL! Something I did not quite understand, apparently the devil is like Wily Coyote, only he is evil, and he has a factory, where he makes…fossils. And he sends his minions to scatter them across the earth every day in order to confuse my tiny, Joooish brain.”

Rent it, buy it, or, if you overhear this dialogue, knock on your neighbors door and ask if you can watch it with them.

Seriously.

Enjoy.

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